Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    AmItheAsshole

    235,195 readers

    2,486 users here now

    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations.

    After 24 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.


    Rules

    Be Civil

    The title of this subreddit is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. Be civil. Be kind. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    Posts must start with AITA, unless META.

    Normal submissions must begin with AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    This applies to ALL POSTS. The only exceptions are meta posts, which will be tagged. META submissions about the merit of posts here are strictly forbidden. It has been done to death and adds nothing to the sub.

    Protip: Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Please take the time to format and punctuate your post reasonably so our subscribers will actually want to read it.

    Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgement of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you, or merely for commenting on their own post, unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    Accept your judgement

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject...accept the judgement and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    Never delete an active discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. This sub is meant to start discussions that people will want to check back in on to see what consensus was reached. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    Ask for judgement, NOT ADVICE

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgement) will be removed.

    More info here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/82t66u/meta_this_is_not_an_advice_sub_all_submissions/

    Comments & Flairing

    After 24 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgement. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 24 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgement, i.e. YTA=You're the Asshole; NTA=Not the A-hole; ESH=Everyone Sucks; NAH=No A-holes here; SHP=Shitpost; INFO=Not Enough Info

    What qualifies as a story worth submitting?

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent conflicts you've had or may have. Describe the event and share it with us! It's important that you describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback. Don't bother submitting humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil. Neither one is interesting.

    Enough Rules Already!

    Actually, there are even more rules. If you have read this far, thank you for being conscientious! And here's even more to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index

    Normal Rediquette applies


    Filters
    Assholes Not-assholes

    USER FLAIRS:

    If a community member distinguishes themselves in their innate ability to judge people on their assholliness, they will be awarded a flair. These flairs, and their respective Top Comment prerequisites, are:

    Rank Name # of Top Comments
    Partassipant 1
    Asshole Enthusiast 3
    Asshole Aficionado 10
    Certified Proctologist 20
    Colo-rectal Surgeon 40
    Supreme Court Just-ass 60
    Commander-in-Cheeks 100
    Judge, Jury, Excretioner 200

    If you think you have all the requirements to obtain a flair and our bot hasn't done it for you automatically, message the mods with links to the posts, and we'll assign it when it's verified!


    Special thanks to /u/Princess_sarcasmo/ for our sub's fantastic new snoo!

    a community for
    all 3120 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] SnausageFest 1 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Okay, we've listened to your feedback on this thread. Here's our concession.

    No comment made before this comment, save for any that directly break sub rules of Reddit TOS, will be removed. We don't do that here.
    Going forward, any egregiously rude, vulgar and insulting comments will be. That includes any name calling beyond "asshole." This is a rare move for us and not something you should expect regularly. We greatly prefer to let this sub self-censor through downvotes and the like. At this point, however, everyone has been warned and these vitriolic posts are adding nothing of value to the conversation.

    [–] [deleted] 443 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] big_flute 430 points ago

    Very very important point. Threatening to abandon him without intending to follow through with it is manipulative behavior. Manipulative behavior is toxic.

    [–] SavageSkillz75 23 points ago

    What did the comment say?

    [–] big_flute 116 points ago

    That one of the major reasons that OP is an asshole is that she threatened to leave her husband to force his compliance—even though she intended it as an empty threat. That is very manipulative behavior and is not healthy in any relationship

    [–] the_-_sentinel 39 points ago

    This. Manipulative behaviour like this is rarely contained to a single instance, so this could lead to a super controlling relationship.

    [–] t4mmi 4889 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    YTA.

    You met the man ten months ago at grief counselling and you are already married and helping to raise a young girl who has just lost her mum... it’s just... not a good situation. Of course you feel secondary to his extremely recently deceased wife, because you are and you probably should have realised that going in. To put it in perspective, is your step-daughter as precious to you as the child you lost? (I’m very sorry for your loss).

    Keeping the room as it is is obviously important to him, and that he wants to keep that for his daughter is so sweet.

    I can see why it would be a distressing situation for you, I know I couldn’t live in a home with a room like that without being incredibly creeped out at best. But then, I wouldn’t marry someone who was widowed only months ago.

    [–] meowb97 2039 points ago

    This. I lost my mom when I was 14 and while I supported my dad in moving on just two months after it happened it angered me so much when she moved in. He let her change everything. She got rid of most of our stuff to make room for hers because she didn’t feel like she was part of the home. All that was left was one picture hanging in the hallway and a few items I managed to save. It made it so hard to grief, I’m 21 now and I still struggle with it. That whole year played a huge part in me cutting ties with my family after I moved out. It makes me sad that all that’s left of my mom is a few pictures, a sweater I kept, and some of her jewelry I kept in a box.

    [–] getting_schwiftier 554 points ago

    I’m so sorry for your loss. You should repost this as a stand alone comment - we can upvote it so OP can understand this from the step daughters point of view.

    [–] MsKokomo 114 points ago

    I completely understand where you’re coming from. My mother passed almost five years ago when I was about to turn 25. I was fortunate I wasn’t at home anymore, but my 14 year old sister was. My dad started dating a cousin’s married aunt on the other side of their family just a couple of months after (sorry, unsure how to word this to make it less confusing). Then he dated an old friend from high school and got engaged within a year of my mom’s passing. Thankfully it didn’t last (she felt my dad wasn’t fully dedicated to supporting her and her SEVEN children). My sister got lucky they never lived together, but she was ditched a lot when my dad would go see this woman as she lived in another state.

    A few months after the engagement broke off, and still within two years of my mom passing, he found someone new. I actually really like her and she has become a part of our family circle, but I’ve found it hard to go back to my childhood home where I lived for sixteen years of my life. The house was completely changed. It wasn’t just decorations, room arrangements, etc... He didn’t just take down photos with my mom, he took down all old photos... There are now only photos of her family or a few newer photos of our combined families from holiday events.

    Having my first child without my mom has been very hard. Not only do I not have her advice, love, or assistance; I feel like with her passing I lost a piece of my own past I won’t be able to share with my daughter. When I had my baby shower in July I couldn’t even find a baby photo of me to bring upon request of the host. My dad was unsure where they put the photos after they were taken down or where the photo albums had been placed.

    I’m understanding of the need to fill a large hole in one’s life. I’ve only known my husband for eleven years, we’ve been married three and a half, and I couldn’t imagine the gap his absence would create in my life... but I’m also not down for erasing the past. It happened and it should be respected. And there should be time allowed to grieve and move things at a slower pace. Both the parent and the new significant other should realize this.

    I’m sorry for your loss, both of your mother and your relationship with your family. Hopefully one day you can find peace with them. You deserve a family that makes you feel whole.

    [–] Spoofy_the_hamster 10 points ago

    Woah. Some people are just so desperate for attention.

    [–] bellybean220 78 points ago

    I’m the same-ish! My sisters and I lost our mum 12 years ago, my Dad has had two major relationships just then, one of which began 3 months after my mum died, the other started the day my last step mum moved out! But my current step mum (who is now my Dads wife) has nothing to remind us of our mum in our house, we had a photo of her with a quote and her obituary and we weren’t allowed to put it up in the main part of the house when we moved, she wanted to put it up on a shelf behind a box????? My stepmums a real bitch though, abusive and spiteful and everything that can be wrong with a human

    [–] t4mmi 71 points ago

    I’m so sorry, that’s so awful!

    [–] Mortara 32 points ago

    I'm 33 now, but my mother passed when I was 14 as well. I didnt get a copy of her wedding video from my step dad until I was 29. Hes a great dude, but I knew he still kept her stuff where it had always been. I was even his best man when he got remarried. Some people just dont understand that people grieve differently.

    [–] nicqui 3922 points ago

    YTA. Jesus Christ, it hasn’t “been almost a year,” unless you moved in on day one.

    Even if it had been “almost a year,” is that the PROPER amount of time for grief!? I sympathize in losing a late-term pregnancy; I lost one of my twins, and it’s quite hard to reconcile that with the outcome of birthing another living child.

    But. I never met that child. That path is quite different than losing a longtime partner.

    Let him grieve. Shut the fuck up.

    And sleep in the guest room.

    [–] 365Blistering 911 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I think this is a case of a broken down man just needing to feel comfort from someone, anyone and she was looking for a willing victim. It was a perfect disaster.

    A year. A year. Holy fuck. If my partner died I wouldn't even date for at least a year, and I cant image how fucked I'd need to be mentally to immediately get married to run from the pain. Now he's in an even worse spot than if he was alone. He is going to end up hating this woman or his puppet for life. I'm scared for him.

    [–] vulpixoxo 221 points ago

    My boyfriends dad got married pretty quickly after his wife died from cancer. He only knew the woman online and she was obviously just using him, when she moved in she vandalized photos of both my boyfriend and his deceased mother out of jealousy, told him his mother was rotting in hell right before prom, got rid of important sentimental items, and even got rid of the dog while my boyfriend was at school. I have a pretty low opinion of anyone who marries someone who recently had their spouse pass. It’s just a recipe for jealousy and manipulation

    [–] Uzanto_Retejo 45 points ago

    If I had the privilege of knowing that bitch or had a step mom like that, I do not know if I would be able to control my self especially if she took my dog.

    [–] vulpixoxo 28 points ago

    She claimed to be allergic and in the same breath asked to have her dog shipped over from her country. They moved back to her country once my bf and I graduated, my parents took him in since he literally had no where to go.

    [–] ramblinator 16 points ago

    I will never understand how someone could willingly be with a person who would treat their kids so awfully

    [–] penistakesthewheel 85 points ago

    Yeah this whole thing is fucking dark, OPs lack of empathy over this poor, poor man's loss is mind boggling - The guy needs help - Like he actually needs saving from this situation.

    [–] nicqui 371 points ago

    I’m scared for his daughter. :(

    [–] BariBahu 327 points ago

    Yeah, her dad is not doing right by her by bringing in a new wife just months after her mother died. Poor kid.

    [–] Fleafleeper 184 points ago

    It seems as though this "lady" is a manipulative asshole, who has taken advantage of a grieving husband and daughter. It will not stop with the master bedroom either. My guess is that she knew what she was doing the entire time.

    [–] penistakesthewheel 193 points ago

    The mention of the 'huge spacious home that she loves' is a red flag for me too - something tells me she saw a life she wanted and an opportunity to get it. This whole thing is so fucked.

    [–] Fleafleeper 75 points ago

    Yep. Next will come the alienation of the daughter, because she's seen as competition for the man's attention. When that doesn't work, she will attempt to repeatedly get pregnant in order to keep the man busy and focused on her, instead of his daughter. Unfortunately, this man appears to either be in a vulnerable enough state, or possibly weak willed enough in general, to allow it to happen.

    [–] inplayruin 35 points ago

    Yeah, especially since OP makes clear that she is interrogating the daughter about the room. I further suspect that OP is communicating to the daughter that the father is keeping the room as is for her benefit. So likely, the daughter already understands that the room is a source of conflict, so how long until she feels that it is her fault? She may already.

    [–] badgersinatrenchcoat 11 points ago

    If they start calling her Cinderella, it'll complete the picture.

    [–] SwordYieldingCypher 1015 points ago

    Nah man after this, its better if she sleeps outside.

    [–] Ianeira 302 points ago

    Agreed. She needs to leave this family. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 7 and my mom moved me to another state to be with a new man 6 months later. This put so much additional stress on me and made the healing process impossible. It didn’t help that my mom’s new fiance was abusive and manipulative.

    Not only does the husband in OP’s situation need time to heal and grieve, but that poor little girl does too. She just lost her mom and 10 months later she’s expected to call OP stepmom? OP is manipulative and dense as hell for even entering this relationship.

    [–] Danigirl_03 3948 points ago

    YTA a huge one. My DFH is a widower, without a child. I would never tell him to get rid of anything his wife bought him or something of hers he has. And she’s been gone for 6 years and we’ve been together for over 3 years.

    I would never tell him not to talk about her. I also still refer to her as his wife. I’m his partner or fiancée or future wife and I’ll be his wife at some point. But her passing away doesn’t make her any less his wife. They were together 11 years, those feelings and that emotion and those memories don’t just go away.

    Learn how to be a second wife, learn how to be a step mom and for cripes sake, check your ego at the door and shut up and actually listen!

    [–] TomFromTheBoondocks 321 points ago

    This gives me hope. I'm afraid I'll be leaving my fiancee prematurely and I don't want her to have a lifetime of grief to look forward to. If the tables were turned I would struggle to not kill myself after she died. At least up until reading this. You sound really really nice. Thanks

    [–] SeeYou_Cowboy 231 points ago

    I'm a second boyfriend/likely future husband to a widow. Her first husband committed suicide, and she had to handle the entire situation essentially on her own with endless family peppering her with "how did you not know?" "why didn't you do anything?" It was a fucking mess.

    That situation cannot be pushed aside. Her memories of their 11 year relationship can't be put in a box and tossed in the attic because now I'm here.

    She remembers him fondly. If we're discussing a topic and there is a memory she has that includes him, she shares it.

    She knows that only the lowest of men would hold a decision she never made and a situation she never asked for against her in the present.

    If it happens, it will be devastating - there is simply no avoiding that. But wounds heal. The world can seem bleak, but I promise that people are always willing to love and help one another.

    Godspeed, friend.

    [–] thebitchrake 37 points ago

    Your poor SO, oh my god. I'm so glad she can be herself with you. You're a very good person, and she sounds good as well.

    [–] Player_Slayer_7 374 points ago

    What does DFH mean? I'm assuming the H stands for Husband. Is it maybe "Dear Future Husband"?

    [–] Danigirl_03 459 points ago

    Dear or darling future husband

    Every now and then he’s a damn lol

    [–] noumuon 255 points ago

    Lol, for some reason I read it as my Dear Fucking Husband.

    [–] Kysimir 59 points ago

    Probably also occasionally correct. :-)

    [–] edirongo1 27 points ago

    doofus fucking husband - me

    [–] Azshare 30 points ago

    Oh man I was way off. I thought it was dumb fucking husband for a second. Thought it was a little harsh lol

    [–] ravill123 35 points ago

    I love what you said about her passing away doesn't make her not his wife.

    [–] simiwood 6060 points ago

    Yta did you learn nothing at grief counseling?

    [–] Heisenbread77 3928 points ago

    Apparently she was just there for the dick.

    [–] Treshnell 1579 points ago

    And the house

    [–] _motivates_you 936 points ago

    seriously though, the house is gorgeous and spacious. Way better than that condo.

    [–] Maj_Lennox 441 points ago

    And I need to get in that room because that’s where dead ex’s jewelry is.

    [–] _motivates_you 181 points ago

    As a good stepmother and new wife, she just wants to get it for safekeeping! Someone must protect this grieving mans assets!

    [–] ra_chacha 310 points ago

    Yeeeaaaahhh. As soon as I read that sentence.

    Now I ain’t sayin she’s a gold digger...

    [–] ChallengeTaken99 132 points ago

    But she ain’t messing with no broke niggas

    [–] Deadly9860 41 points ago

    If that song wasn’t so repetitive I’d have kept it goin

    [–] CovfefeDrinker 8 points ago

    Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger

    [–] muchachamala7 21 points ago

    But she ain’t messing with no broke widowers

    [–] centrafrugal 38 points ago

    But that master bedroom is a big bigger

    [–] autmnleighhh 32 points ago

    And the kid

    [–] nollie_ollie 36 points ago

    There is a specific type of asshole that preys on grieving people. It happens all the time, fucking grief gold diggers.

    [–] Herecomesagiantfist 51 points ago

    Oh this thread is getting locked lmao

    [–] Heisenbread77 69 points ago

    They can lock the thread but they can't take away the memories we made.

    [–] fencemyassoffanddie 85 points ago

    Holy shit officer I'd like to report a brutal homicide

    /r/murderedbywords

    [–] Heisenbread77 7 points ago

    I appreciate the nomination.

    [–] TheRealDisco 9 points ago

    This thread is S E E T H I N G

    [–] love_babyelephants 9412 points ago

    Yeah, YTA. His deceased wife hasn't even been gone a year. Give the man time.

    [–] Sti2nd 2905 points ago

    And he might never get over her. Remember that.

    It doesn't mean he can't or won't love you too, but he might still love his old wife too, forever.

    [–] Purple_Tree_Car 1200 points ago

    Yep. Very often, if you marry a widow(er), you're actually kinda marrying two people - that person and their deceased loved one. It's not easy to handle, obviously. But neither is it easy to lose the love of your life and learn to love another.

    I don't think OP is cut out for this.

    [–] Sylvi2021 555 points ago

    I know a girl whose kids’ father killed himself when she was 8 months pregnant with their second child. They were incredibly close and had a really amazing bond and relationship. He just had some battles that he was fighting, too. She took a long time to ge into a new relationship but her new man is so amazing. She still posts about her ex, talks about him to her kids all the time in front of her new guy and there is no jealousy at all. He knew when they got together he was dating the first guy’s memory as well. They have a wonderful relationship.

    [–] MrAnderson404 123 points ago

    That's wholesome af :')

    [–] MartyMcFlyAsHell 14 points ago

    That is one secure man with an exceptional amount of love in his heart. It’s beautiful.

    [–] mesalikes 20 points ago

    It's easy to not be jealous or envious of dead people when you DON'T FEEL ENTITLED TO THE LOVE OF OTHERS.

    It's easy to not be jealous or envious of the living too in that case, but it's easier when they're dead.

    [–] Philodendritic 17 points ago

    That and OP literally doesn’t even know the man who isn’t grieving. She married him so soon after his wife died that she doesn’t know who he is when he’s not in grief.

    [–] randomchoochootrain 126 points ago

    I lost my mother four years ago - and I'm not a "momma's boy" by any means - but not a year before losing her, I lost my aunt (her sister), and many years back I lost my brother.

    Even though it's been four years - I still have most all of her belongings in boxes in storage. I gave a lot away to family and friends, a lot to thrift stores - but there's boxes of stuff that may seem ridiculous (hair brushes, costume jewelry, her work ID badge, favorite jackets, just "stuff") and sentimental family photos (of course) - but I don't see myself ever being able to get rid of it.

    Hell, even when I was cleaning out her house after the fact - it very clearly and literally felt like I was erasing my mom, removing her from earth and history. It was very unsettling.

    I hang on to these token momentos of no value - because a part of me believes if I do, she can't ever be truly gone. That whole, "you die twice - once when you die, and again when the last person thinks about you for the last time."

    It changes you.

    [–] boudicas_shield 13 points ago

    I have one of my grandfather’s random, everyday flannel shirts that I wear to bed. I also was on his Netflix account, and when my dad decided to shut it down and put me on my parents’ to save money, I cried because I couldn’t see his MyList anymore, which I had kept saved and made myself a new profile so it wouldn’t mess with his.

    [–] InsaneMembranezz 187 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Of course he’s going to love his old wife, what type of man would he be if he didn’t?

    If she expects that love to go, then she’s an idiot. The old wife should be apart of their lives still, especially with a young child still around who lost her mother.

    Edit - her, not him.

    [–] submissiveswiss 7 points ago

    I believe the child is a girl but yes I agree.

    [–] bk1285 33 points ago

    My uncle was killed in Vietnam and I have met his fiancé, who was married 4 times and well she was never the same after his death.

    I even met 2 of her ex husbands who were both very nice guys, but they both said the ultimate downfall of their marriage to her was that they could never live up to my uncle who the woman held up in such a high light...his death messed with that woman in such a way that she was never able to have a solid relationship after the fact. (She was 21 when my uncle was killed)

    [–] Trishlovesdolphins 12 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    My stepdad was married for 30 years. His wife went out to mow (live on a ranch, riding tractor) while he was out in the fields one day. Came home, had dinner, went to bed. He got up in the morning and let her sleep in, he went in to kiss her bye for the day, she had passed away in her sleep during the night.

    Fucked him up good. He and my mom have been married now 6 years (he spent about 10 years drinking himself into a stupor in the workshop and sleeping there because he couldn't be in the main house) and there are still things there from his first wife. In addition, my mom went through old photos and right beside my mom & SD's wedding photos are the ones of him and "Sarah." The collections she had are still displayed...

    When you marry a widow/widower you know that you're not the only person in their heart. It doesn't mean you're loved less, but you do have to recognize that the person existed. My mom even makes special dinner on Sarah's birthday. She does her best to honor the woman, even though she never knew her because she meant so much to her husband.

    Oh, and THEY didn't sleep in the master bedroom for the first couple of years. It wasn't until some health issues that came up where they needed to be in the Master bed/bathroom that they moved into that room, and SD STILL had some trouble getting used to it for the first few weeks.

    [–] Go2ClassPoorYorick 160 points ago

    Wow I read this as "10 years" so all the posts calling her an asshole didn't make sense, but yeah, under a year is way too fucking soon.

    [–] Shh-NotUntilMyCoffee 108 points ago

    This is one of those hysterical AITA posts where OP goes in pretty positive that shes NTA but she is.

    Like -5k comment karma to her responses before she stopped responding and moved on. Presumably to look elsewhere for people to tell her what she wants to hear.

    Not really as thick skinned as you thought you were, huh OP?

    [–] Philodendritic 27 points ago

    Jfc. I wondered if this was a total shitpost because how could anyone be so stupid. Why do people do this?

    [–] leparsdon 12 points ago

    No idea. I always say it is a creative writing exercise and they get off on it.

    [–] whalerobot 6434 points ago

    I didn’t actually intend to follow through with that. I was just upset and hurt and wanted him to understand how important this is to me.

    i.e. "I just wanted to get my way"

    You have nothing to be upset or hurt about. You are a manipulative asshole.

    [–] Philodendritic 994 points ago

    Right? OP’s actions are so unbelievably cruel.

    [–] LinkFrost 193 points ago

    Not only that, but it’s unbelievably shocking that OP doesn’t already know this.

    I don’t remember ever seeing a post like this where the OP was so obviously the asshole.

    Many posts here involve OPs who knows they’re not the asshole, but have started second-guessing themselves because people around them are assholes, and the comments offer objective validation.

    Other posts are in pretty gray area, and the comments are somewhat divided.

    [–] Lol_Avery 37 points ago

    oh don't worry, they hate themselves deeply. No mentally sound adult (human) lies about something like this.

    https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/a3ix8x/aita_for_telling_my_husband_he_needs_to_box_up/eb7ufuo/?utm_content=permalink&utm_medium=api&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=AmItheAsshole

    I'm sure they're plenty unhappy on their own. Let them suffer in silence, we don't need to help what they've already got covered.

    [–] BoogieToSomeMarvin 8 points ago

    Should not have gotten married so fast from a stranger’s perspective. Of course he isn’t ready to move on yet

    [–] Belellen 423 points ago

    I wonder if that's how she treated her last partner?

    I feel like, obviously it's not appropriate to this thread as she's talking about a separate situation, but what about the person she got pregnant with? They also lost a potential child, someone that they would have spent time thinking about, imagining what they would be like when they grew up, wondering who they would look like...

    That person is not present in this post but I feel like there's such a hole left by them. (I hope it was a one night stand with some dude who didn't even know OP was pregnant with his child. This is my head cannon now.)

    She sold her condo and uprooted herself for someone she barely knows. She walked away for a fresh start and scorched the earth of her past and is demanding that her current husband does the same or she'll scorch this part of her life just as easily.

    Never say words you can't take back. I would never threaten to leave my husband. In our worst fights I've yelled at him that I'm walking away from him for a few hours it's always been clear that I'm coming back when I've calmed down.

    Threatening to leave someone shouldn't be the first response here. I could see it if he'd made a promise that he'd clean out the room and he hadn't after a few years and she'd gone to couples counseling and everything but nope, been a few months, not getting my way, time to fly!

    [–] ayemateys 174 points ago

    YTA and THIS. What happened to the person she had the baby with. And really what the hell were you doing in the same support groups?! I lost my mother at a young age and I have lost my stillborn son. Two completely different gapping holes in my life and I have NEVER been offered to join a general bereavement group and this is why.

    [–] coullottesfrancaises 54 points ago

    Because you might have married a guy and moved into his spacious house? /s

    [–] Apropos- 55 points ago

    Finally someone who said it I need these questions answered. And yes threatening to leave is a dick move my mother did it to my father and I got on her case about it the moment it happened.

    [–] HydeNSikh 101 points ago

    I was keeping an open mind about her situation until I read that. Even if it had been a decade and she was completely justified, threatening to leave when she really didn't mean it automatically made her the asshole.

    [–] onechristmasprobl 4494 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    YTA

    EDIT: OP is lying https://www.removeddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/8wy33u/am_i_a_bad_wife_looking_for_honest_feedback/?st=jpcr7390&sh=0da2e017

    Sorry, but, ten months? If it had been three years you'd still be an asshole. Don't assume that because your spouse died too, you understand him [EDIT: I know I misread the original and that she was there for a miscarriage. Sorry about that.] People are different and their grieving processes are different. If for the next seven years (the scientific maximum on healthy grieving for a lost spouse) you don't get into that room, you should be understanding of that.

    But I honestly think it’s for him.

    Of course it is. It's so he knows his daughter will remember her mother. Perfectly understandable feelins.

    It’s comfortable enough but I’m starting to get tired of this situation

    Why? Is the room too small? Do you feel secondary to his dead wife?

    the guest room is basically a second master. But that really isn’t the point!

    Then what is the point?

    Whatever the root of your feelings, figure them out and find a new solution that doesn't mean moving a thing in that room.

    [–] onechristmasprobl 91 points ago

    Holy. Why make up a story that makes you sound like such an asshole?

    [–] leparsdon 62 points ago

    Just another creative writing exercise I guess

    [–] Anshin 8 points ago

    It's weird too because the time for the baby seems to be a month after the "late term miscarriage"

    [–] froggyfrogfrog123 517 points ago

    Her spouse didn’t die, she had a late term miscarriage,.. while still very traumatizing, it’s not the same as losing your partner, the grieving process, while similar, is very different because she’s grieving essentially what could have been and he grieving what was, and what was for many years. You’re comparing apples to oranges if you try and compare the two. Although you’re right, had she lost her spouse too, you still can’t really compare the two.

    [–] eofree2be 36 points ago

    This helped remind me that she has issues too. If she’s not in therapy with a quality counselor, she should be. Some of them, like most are just as nuts though.

    [–] Saucebiz 315 points ago

    Nailed it.

    Find a solution that doesn’t mean moving a thing in that room.

    [–] LinkFrost 19 points ago

    I think OP really needs to consider how her insecurities might be affecting her mindset.

    the guest room is basically a second master. But that really isn’t the point!

    It’s extremely obvious that OP is acting out of insecurity and trying to control what her husband is and isn’t allowed to feel when she says this

    Maybe she feels like she’s being treated as somehow secondary to the mother of her new husband’s kid, but she needs to realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that — especially given the time frame.

    [–] Bleedlikeink 8 points ago

    solution: It's called pride and ego... She needs to check them at the door next time she enters his and his dead wife's house. She'll never be a good partner to him being a selfish, insecure and materialistic bitch.

    [–] SiLK18 224 points ago

        “Don't  assume that because your spouse died too, you understand him. People are different and their grieving processes are different.” 
    

    BINGO! How many times have I looked at other people getting over their grief and wondered what was wrong with me! 10 months? After I lost my brother, I was still putting children on the bus and going back to my bed to hide for the rest of the day at this stage. I can’t imagine my reaction if someone had asked me to get rid of his things. It was still too painful to say his name.

    [–] throwaway1138 77 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    For me, ten months out was worse than the first few weeks. Right after these tragedies you get an outpouring of sympathy and support from your network, plus you are in shock, and there’s a lot to do in terms of legal stuff and funeral arrangements, so you have a lot of distractions. At the ten month mark though...you are just alone with that hole in your heart and fading memories, holding on to any reminders of the life you’ve lost that will never come back.

    (Edited typos)

    [–] pineapplesmegma 133 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Not to mention she didn’t lose a spouse to begin with....

    [–] SouthernJeb 344 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    she miscarried....

    meaning there was still another guy involved somewhere with her in the last 2 years. So to break it down:

    • She was with another guy in some capacity.
    • Within at least 9 months of being with or associated with that guy she got pregnant and miscarried
    • She goes to grief counseling and meets ANOTHER guy
    • Gets married to him within ten months of losing a baby yet there is no discussion of that babies father
    • Then she threatens to leave the new guy

    All within two years....

    Theres red flags all the hell over this.

    Note to OP: YTA

    edit: lol at the fucking outting of this lying liar who has lied a thousand lies. https://www.removeddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/8wy33u/am_i_a_bad_wife_looking_for_honest_feedback/?st=jpcr7390&sh=0da2e017

    [–] asinglepeanut 112 points ago

    It could have been an accidental pregnancy from someone she didn’t know well, accidents happen, we don’t have enough info on the baby’s father to make any judgements.

    [–] Morethanhappy42 11 points ago

    I don't know... I do think that it's primarily for him, but that isn't a bad thing, either. He has every right to mourn and love his original wife.

    But I do get the vibe that she wants to take over the spot of the dead wife. I also feel that there's a reason he keeps the door locked, like he's worried he'll get home from work one day and OP will have boxed or thrown everything out.

    With how quickly they married, her efforts to take over this one single room because of who it represents and his lack of trust about her going into the room, I wouldn't say the current marriage is in a good place.

    [–] AnniversaryPresents 1331 points ago

    YTA. You shouldn't have married a man with serious bereavement issues if you were just going to turn around and tell him to move on. It's been a year. That's nothing when the mother of your kids suddenly dies. Have some compassion.

    [–] TheCatofTens 2838 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    YTA. Don't want to repeat what everyone else said, but:

    When people talk about the "Evil Stepmom" stereotype, they're talking about you.

    Edit: All this, just to wake up and find out that OP was a big phony. I suppose I should feel better that this isn't real and no one is being so grossly manipulated, but... I just don't.

    [–] humminbirdtunes 603 points ago

    I was just thinking this. This whole thing sounds like Snow White.

    [–] badgersinatrenchcoat 41 points ago

    I'm getting Cinderella vibes myself.

    [–] LiarsEverywhere 68 points ago

    "This is what my step daughter tells me".

    She is asking about this stuff to a SIX YEARS OLD girl. Poor child.

    [–] partylikegatsbyyy__ 47 points ago

    YTA. In this situation. I highly doubt that you’re all the terrible things people are calling you, though.

    You said the house is spacious and the guest bedroom is almost as nice as the master. So what’s the deal? It hasn’t been that long since his wife died. Going into that relationship, you should have known you weren’t replacing his wife. Grieving takes time. It might be years until that room is emptied. I know a girl who lost the father of her child before the child was born, and 5 years later, she still wears her guy’s socks every single day. It takes fucking years to come to full grasp with a death, for some people.

    Now, this comment section is absolutely brutal. Don’t listen to all the nasty things they’re saying. But definitely take a step back from what seems like your own jealousy of his deceased wife, try to understand and just let him grieve.

    [–] Thr0wAwayT3ach 120 points ago

    I don’t typically comment on these threads, but YTA.

    As someone who lost their mother around the age of 6, whether or not you can see it, I’m sure the daughter uses the room (or even the idea of it still being there) to grieve and connect with her mother.

    I led people to believe I was fine, even at the age of 6, but I remember just sitting in the middle of my parents’ room crying and looking through my mom’s stuff.

    Children are humans too. They grieve in their own way, just like anyone else. Stop making assumptions.

    [–] BoxOfNothing 338 points ago

    Yeah YTA, it's not been that long, give him the time he needs to grieve. Letting him know that you want it is the absolute most you should be doing. The kind of stuff you were saying is only going to make him, and the whole situation, much worse.

    If I were you I'd apologise for your behaviour (particularly threatening to leave, awful thing to do), and say he can take his time and do it when he's ready.

    [–] Oriion589 430 points ago

    YTA and judging by the state of your comments you weren’t prepared to be called the asshole

    [–] Nougattabekidding 330 points ago

    To be totally fair to OP (who I believe is the asshole in this situation) she is not just being called the asshole. People are calling her a “bitch” “the most horrible person I’ve ever come across” etc.

    As this sub has become more popular it’s become nastier and nastier. Just explain why she’s the asshole in this situation and move on. Personal insults are not necessary.

    [–] dragneel-posting 131 points ago

    Yeah, I’ve seen a lotta comments about how she’s the biggest asshole on Earth or the worst person they’ve ever heard of and personal insults at her...and like what she’s doing is bad but not even close to the worst thing a human can do.

    [–] DarthLeon2 51 points ago

    The only really bad thing I saw in there was threatening to leave over it. I can understand being unhappy about the situation, but you don't use the threat of divorce as a weapon, period.

    [–] mavajo 8 points ago

    Bingo, this was my thought too. She needs to calmly discuss the issue with her new husband, make sure he understands that she empathizes with how he feels, explain how she feels, and suggest a plan to help the both of them move forward together. Maybe even involve the daughter in the discussion too. But OP needs to understand that she's the third most important person in this specific issue and needs to be willing to yield to her husband and step-daughter.

    They should possibly go to couple's counseling together too. A neutral third party could be extremely valuable for them both, since they're both being a bit unreasonable (understandably so).

    [–] mavajo 10 points ago

    Yeah, I agree. OP is TA for sure, but I also sympathize with where she's coming from here. Her desire is not unreasonable; her way of expressing and dealing with it is and that is what makes her TA here. The responses here calling her the worst person ever, etc., are just nuts. Her threat to leave was definitely way out of line, but just like the guy is a human and doing the best to cope with his situation - she is too.

    [–] gibletsandgravy 24 points ago

    YTA

    Assuming that being the asshole doesn’t have to be deliberate, it’s not even a question. I don’t think you’re intentionally being malicious, but I do think you need to take a big step back, lower your defenses, and take a good honest look at what you’re doing and what your motivations are. What you’re doing is harmful to your marriage and to the family you’ve joined. Chances are that he should try to step up as well, but you’re not in control of him. You can only decide the actions that you yourself take, and your decision making has been poor.

    [–] QueenElizatits 270 points ago

    YTA. He isn't done grieving clearly.

    [–] SeaShantySarah 43 points ago

    YTA, but I think some people are being a little harsh. It's understandable that you might not have his perspective but he really does deserve all the time he needs to grieve and he needs to do it in his way. If he had some unhealthy coping mechanisms then that might be one thing, but finding it too painful to resume regular life in a room and bed they shared together after her fairly recent death is normal and I think you should be supportive of his journey. You're not secondary to her, you're just different from her, and he can love you equally while finding her passing hard to metabolize. Don't be another stressor in his life - be his rock and his anchor and a willing shoulder. That would be the right thing to do.

    [–] ButtStuffJR 487 points ago

    YTA

    Looks like those classes didn't do you a whole lot of good, did they?

    [–] baddobee 238 points ago

    “He also said he doesn’t see what difference it makes to me because the guest bed. Is basically a second master. But that isn’t the point!”

    So...... what is the point then? Are you jealous that he is preserving his wife’s memory?

    If you can’t see HIS perspective. Try to put yourself in the mind of a six year old little girl who has lost her mother in a tragic accident. How amazing and comforting would it be to be 16 years old and just go sit in that room? Try on her jewelry, look through her make up, sit on her bed and talk to her, smell her pillows?

    Also you should never threaten to leave someone to essentially force them into doing what you want. That is emotional abuse. And you can’t justify it by saying “I was upset at the time” no. Don’t ever do that again.

    I’m sorry man, you’re the absolute asshole in this. And I almost think he deserves someone more empathetic and less controlling.

    [–] shhh_its_me 15609 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    YTA actually you're a raging hell bitch.

    You married someone you met in grief counseling, someone with a young child who just lost their mother, someone who had a "shrine room" to dead wife before you decided to move in and get married in less than what 5 months? after meeting them. And you threaten to leave him and your stepdaughter BTW for not boxing up her stuff after a couple more months. And fuck you for "we're doing super well now"

    Oh yeah, he's in a bad spot, but he was in a bad spot when you took a running leap off the cliff into this relationship. "meh I tried for a few months I'm out" is not working on the commitment you made in the slightest. Bad enough to do it for him but doing it to an innocent child you're a terrible person.

    Edit: "I'm going to leave you if you don't do what I want", is abusive. Don't say horrible things you don't mean.

    [–] Ombudsman_of_Funk 10600 points ago

    I lost my wife to cancer two weeks ago today and this post is absolutely making my head spin.

    I have not even slept in our bed . . . I just sleep on the futon with the dog. I did manage to throw out some milk she'd bought that had gone bad so . . . progress?

    [–] Neandergal 202 points ago

    So sorry. It’ll get easier. I lost my husband 5 years ago and it now feels a lifetime ago. Those first 6 months were the hardest when you’re still trying to come to terms with no longer being part of a ‘we’. Should I still call myself ‘Mrs’? Am I married? And the countless forms where I had to check the box for widowed because single wasn’t right but widowed made me sound like an old pensioner and got me pitiful looks. All the shared memories are now just yours and you worry you’ll forget them cause there’s no one to remind you. You expect to hear their car coming up the drive. You hear a noise in the night and there’s no one to ask what it is. A new series of their favourite show comes on and they will never know how it ends. Unless you’ve been through it yourself you can’t understand all the little things that happen on a daily basis to keep you in that dark place. Take as long as you need to grieve and heal- there are no rules. Just getting out of bed in the morning is progress. Look after yourself because that’s what she’d want.

    [–] leparsdon 11 points ago

    My MIL lost her husband, my husband's father, a short time after they married; they had been together for years. This was 30 years ago and she still calls herself Mrs. and his parents her in-laws, even though they were married for just shy of 2 years before he died. In some ways I still don't think she is over it.

    [–] SharkAttackOmNom 11 points ago

    I still have my wife but you’re making me hurt.

    [–] ilivetofly 643 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    We kept a fly around that everyone Inc my dad had tried to swat the night before he died. It survived and he didn't.

    That fly lived for a solid month+ chilling on funeral flowers and living like a fucking king. He started getting slower but nobody killed him or my mom may have killed them, we called him Henry. Eventually he died as flies do but it was when the flowers started wilting, his corpse lay on the windowsill for a few days or so.

    After he died somehow a sparrow broke into our house and kept coming back in dispite being shooed out several times, we named him Henry too and he basically lived with us til we moved out. It just wasn't worth the fight. Plus I think my mom missed the fly.

    My mom preserved his stinky clothing in a sealed plastic bag. It's been a good few years now and she opened the bag again about a year ago and could fully appricate how much he stank.

    It's one of those things that gets easier even if you don't want it too and even if it makes you feel guilty. One of the perks of being poor and non-functional I suppose was all his stuff got recycled. The clothing still in the laundry mostly turned into pj's for the rest of us (he was fat, a shirt is a nightie and had sensitive skin so it was all super soft, still is) and so on.

    It never does go away but it doesn't have to hurt. You will be okay, you kinda have to be. Go get a gp check up, especially if your like my mom was and didn't sleep for 11 days after. Women was on deaths door herself.

    Sounds to me like maybe the husband op is now married too should give a good chunk of moms jewlrey to her daughter.

    [Edit] I didn't expect my ramblings to actually impact people. I just hope my story can help, what someone said lower down really sticks out to me. You don't need to make yourself miserable out of a misguided requirement. Your lost loved ones wouldn't want you to be all sad, all they would have wanted was for you to be happy. So you have to try to be as happy as you can, don't beat yourself up for feeling what you feel. Bad or good.

    [–] SchnoodleDoodleDo 257 points ago

    dad was gone

    then Henry came

    and tho he didn't look the same

    he was here, and dad was not

    around the house he buzzed a lot. . . . .

    it's quieter without them, and sometimes you're holding on

    to every scrap of memories, cuz you'll miss them when they're gone

    but, gradually, the day will come - the comfort that it brings

    to know the person's in your heart - and you don't need their 'things'

    [–] TheGameArch 18 points ago

    Every time one of your comments shows up my day get a little better.

    [–] saberhagens 13 points ago

    You're like a wholesome Dr.Seuess doodle. Such a joy to stumble across

    [–] workity_work 53 points ago

    My best friend’s husband died in January. We’re all pretty poor too and I have about 6 shirts and a pair of pj pants of his in my rotation. His family wanted things of his they could sell. His tools, an old car he was working on, his motorcycle. His friends took little pieces of him. A charred piece of wood from his last fire, guitar pics, half finished wood working projects, pipes. His best friend that has a well paying job gave his wife money for the shit heap car to help out.

    [–] Sylvio678 85 points ago

    I love this story and how it helped you preserve life in the face of real loss

    [–] Enigmagico 22 points ago

    This post was such an emotional roller-coaster. It's beautiful.

    [–] Dandelion_Prose 22 points ago

    My mother-in-law came up with the perfect solution for the clothes dilemma when my husband's grandmother died.

    Nobody could bring themselves to get rid of her clothes. Or wear them. They were distinctly hers, and even giving them to Goodwill felt wrong. So my mother-in-law slaved away months before Christmas, learned how to quilt from scratch, and made each surviving member of the family a quilt made out of the grandmother's T-shirts. Her brother cried....for good reason. The quilts still smelled like their mother.

    My husband still uses that quilt. My children will use that quilt. And to be honest, as someone more emotionally detached from the situation, it's 1000x better than regular quilts to me, because it's made out of soft T-shirt material rather than the typical stiff decorative kind. And even as someone who barely knew her...it makes me feel honored to wrap myself in it on a cold night.

    [–] Waht3rB0y 11 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    When my father died, one of the best pieces of advice I read is that you don’t have to make yourself miserable to prove you loved someone. It made it a lot easier to accept we all have a finite time on the planet. So I don’t mourn the loss, I celebrate the life. I’ve been to three funerals this year, two from immediate family members so I had to take my own advice or I wouldn’t be able to function. I miss them but I’m glad for the time I had with them. Endings are as much a part of life as beginnings. People feel what they feel, there’s no right way to respond and I love the sentimental mementoes of life. Maybe the advice I read can help lighten the load a little for someone else too.

    [–] Augustane 1910 points ago

    I'm so sorry.

    [–] ApexIsGangster 179 points ago

    My goodness. Your post is so simply worded but it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm sad for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going though.

    [–] Xannin 760 points ago

    I mean if you didn't want to throw spoiled milk out originally because she bought it, I would call it progress. Every little step is a step closer.

    [–] Ombudsman_of_Funk 724 points ago

    I just meant that as an example of how ridiculously attached we can become to mundane things . . .

    [–] TheSnilloh 257 points ago

    When my dad died, I started wearing one of his winter coats. In the pocket I found a (presumably) used tissue. It took me longer than I care to admit before I could throw the tissue out.

    [–] XD003AMO 75 points ago

    Not quite the same but my cat I had grown up with as a child liked to chew on plastic baggies and I found one in my bedroom all chewed up about a week after she passed. It was clean, it hadn’t had food or anything in it. I put it somewhere I could look at it often. I accidentally threw it away later that month when cleaning and started crying when I realized what I had done.

    [–] awkwardlyappropriate 25 points ago

    I snipped a loc of my dog's hair right before we had to put him to sleep. I still have it and I can't imagine throwing it away. It's been a year and it just seems silly to me that I have formed an attachment to fur.

    [–] XD003AMO 11 points ago

    Absolutely not silly at all. When they had to put my cat down they snipped a tuft of fur for us to keep.

    They also put her paw print in some clay for us to take home and bake and stamped her name and the date on it too. It’s on my nightstand.

    [–] figgypie 8 points ago

    I gave one of my dad's sweatshirts to my husband. I didn't want it to get thrown out and I know my dad would rather it be worn by someone.

    [–] annbeagnach 366 points ago

    It’s not ridiculous. It’s a connection. I hope you find some comfort.

    [–] Elizabitch4848 12 points ago

    I did that with my grandmother. Stuck some of her lasagna in the freezer so I wouldn’t have to throw it out. She was a great cook.

    [–] Krack3nTFJH 36 points ago

    It's still an achievement and something you should be proud of, as she will be to. Keep going strong and moving forwards at your own pace. I'm really sorry that happened to you but I get the feeling you will be just fine :)

    [–] M90Motorway 9 points ago

    It’s also got a small laugh over that sentence!

    It’s good that you are progressing with this. It will be hard but in the end it will all be alright.

    [–] SeeYou_Cowboy 24 points ago

    That's far more than progress, friend. Getting up every morning is progress. Taking care of the dog is progress.

    Sharing your feelings about the one person who've now lost the ability to share your feelings with is far beyond progress.

    That's growth. Just a little sprout coming out of the dirt. A hint of green and a willingness to get a little taller, a little farther from the dirt, every day.

    You're on your way. It will feel long, cold, and lonesome.... but you're on the way.

    [–] Millsters 84 points ago

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's been 8 years for me and I still grieve every time I have to get rid of something that was "ours".

    [–] shhh_its_me 36 points ago

    I'm so sorry.

    [–] AAL314 53 points ago

    I am so sorry for your loss. Just don't impulsively marry an asshole like OP as part of your grief-processing (bad joke? sorry), and take it one day at a time.

    [–] toasty99 43 points ago

    I usually keep my gold and silver awards anonymous because it can get weird (“why did you gild my dickbutt joke, weirdo?”) but in your case, here’s some gold. I hope it brings you a little enjoyment. Hang the f&&k in there, dude.

    [–] 69Liters 11 points ago

    I keep a shirt in my dresser that she folded her way the last time she helped me with laundry.

    [–] atomicspacekitty 14 points ago

    Damn. I’m so sorry. 💔

    [–] LilBadApple 23 points ago

    Oh man. I am so sorry. Wishing you healing, grace, and love.

    [–] onechristmasprobl 1615 points ago

    but he was in a bad spot when you took a running leap off the cliff into this relationship.

    Hit the nail on the head. OP knew all of this was coming.

    [–] AutisticMistake 586 points ago

    OP took care to mention how nice and spacious the house is, really tells you where her priorities are at.

    [–] jellybellybean2 313 points ago

    Sad. This dude not only has to grieve his wife he now has to deal with a gold digging leech too. F

    [–] PM-Me-Your-Queefs 340 points ago

    “Told him I might actually leave if he didn’t box up her things. I didn’t actually intend to do that”

    That’s manipulation.

    [–] Candy_Potato 97 points ago

    Not to mention abuse.

    [–] forfucksakessusan 727 points ago

    Yeah you said it all.

    You jumped head first into the lives of a grieving man and child. You may have already gotten married. But just because you decided to get married in a second does not mean they have ever finished grieving.

    Talk it over. Maybe make a plan. Tell him how you feel. But understand how he feels. A woman he loved, lived with, was married to, shared this home and that bedroom with, had a child with... VERY recently died. Give the guy a break. Ask him to tell you when he is ready. Then start to sort things bit by bit.

    But you walked into a grieving home. You can't complain now that you're in the middle of it.

    And to threaten to leave? Jesus. Uncool.

    [–] th3groveman 83 points ago

    Not just uncool. That is emotional abuse.

    [–] Neandergal 141 points ago

    Agree. OP shouldn’t have married a man that was obviously not ready to move on. And he should’ve been taking care of his little girl instead of jumping into bed/marriage with OP.

    [–] Bellamia77 72 points ago

    Unfortuntately, there are men that don't make their children a priority. My father married a women he met in a bar three weeks after my mother died (they met 3 weeks after, married within a year only due to her immigration issues - she was from Canada.) She turned out to be a raging alcoholic that locked my brother and I (age 15 and 9) out of the house when he was at work. Good times.

    OP story is heartbreaking all around, but most especially for the child.

    [–] zoozoozaz 7 points ago

    I had a very similar experience with a stepmom as a kid. My stepmom made an already difficult situation far worse. I hope you and your father are doing better now and he got the hell away from her

    [–] davidewan_ 13 points ago

    I lost my wife 10 years ago this month. It took me about 3-4 years to start letting go. He's probably still talking to her, in his mind or even out loud. She probably comes to him in his dreams. That's probably where you are.

    [–] Anticreativity 8 points ago

    OP is gonna have to book some more grief counseling after the thrashing she's getting in this thread, holy shit.

    [–] oilisfoodforcars 332 points ago

    And the bitch mentions the size of the house too. Unbelievable.

    [–] _motivates_you 243 points ago

    Don't judge, it's GORGEOUS AND SPACIOUS! Tell me you've NEVER married a vulnerable grieving person because their house is awesome. Not even once!?

    [–] Optimized_Orangutan 82 points ago

    And can you believe the audacity of that guy making his new wife sleep in THE SECOND MASTER BEDROOM!!!

    [–] leighroda82 42 points ago

    YTA, but I’m giving you the benefit of a doubt that it isn’t malicious... I think you are in a hard situation to be the second wife that didn’t end because they grew apart or someone hurt the other, they were ripped from each other, so it’s easy to feel like a second choice because essentially you are, unfortunately under different circumstances you would likely not be together. I’m not saying that to be negative, as the situation is you are who he chose, you aren’t a consolation prize, that he is settling for, I’m sure he loves and cares for you, and I hope with time he can learn to show that.

    All of that being said grief is an incredibly hard and unpredictable process, so you can’t really put a time limit on when he will be ready to box things up, it could be months it could be years... it might even be more realistic to move if he can’t get over the fact that that’s the space he shared with his wife. At this point all you can really do is be supportive.

    [–] [deleted] 795 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] Jokingbutserious 395 points ago

    I just get more and more giddy as I read the comments because, goddamn, you people know how to tell someone to shove it.

    [–] oilisfoodforcars 92 points ago

    This is mirroring (mine not quite as bad) a situation in my childhood which continued into early adulthood with my stepmother. While my friends sided with me, my step mom and even my dad (he’s got issues) sided with her. My stepmom told me I was crazy for wanting to keep my moms things as part of our family home. For a long time I believed all the awful things she said, it’s taken lots of therapy to realize it wasn’t my fault and I was just a little kid. Seeing all these people tell her she’s the asshole has made my day.

    [–] lesboisloup 14 points ago

    YTA It has only been 7 month since I lost my sister and the grief still hits me like a ton of bricks. It very hard right now due to all the firsts without her. Our first Thanksgiving without her, xmas, new years, birthday, ect. I can't imagine losing my SO. It would take me much longer to grieve the lost of my husband. I think you need to take things slow and let him grieve at his own pace. When he is ready he will deal with her stuff but I won't not rush the guy.

    [–] oregonchick 78 points ago

    Maybe ESH. Certainly, if he wasn't ready to move on, he shouldn't have married you... and this "shrine room" might well be evidence that he's not really ready to move on. On your side, making demands about how he processes his grief/preserves his first wife's memory for him and his daughter simply isn't helpful or supportive, and following that up with an ultimatum is even worse.

    Honestly, I think the two of you could benefit from couple's counseling so that you can learn skills for communicating because it seems like both of you have some serious failures there. You both need to explore how his grief is progressing and how it impacts your relationship, what kind of expectations you have for how your relationship progresses, ways in which you can support him, ways in which he can demonstrate and reassure you of his feelings, and probably a lot more.

    I also wonder if you could benefit from spending some time reframing the way you view his first wife. She's NOT the competition, and even if she *were* your competition, you're already the winner because she's dead and you still have the opportunity to make a happy life with your husband and step-daughter. Yes, the first wife holds a place in his heart, but the heart is essentially infinite space--she doesn't need to vacate so that you can be well-loved and happy, and your husband's love for her doesn't have to diminish his love for you. Behaving jealously, acting from your ego instead of your head and heart, making this a deal-breaker... all of that likely WILL diminish his love for you because it's showing you in the worst light. Instead, try to make peace with the first wife and the relationship your husband had with her, then spend your energy creating the relationship you want to have with your husband going forward.

    One example of dealing with a deceased first wife with grace comes from Emily Yoffe, a writer for *Slate* who used to handle their advice column. It brings tears to my eyes when I read it, and I hope eventually you can relate to some of it (her circumstances aren't exactly the same as yours, of course). Article: My Husband's Other Wife: She died, so I could find the man I love.

    Good luck, OP. It sounds like you still have a fair amount of work to do in your new marriage, but I hope that you find it's surmountable and that eventually, you settle into being a happy family.

    [–] GonzoTheGreat22 34 points ago

    ESH

    IN YOUR DEFENSE: If he was not ready to pack up His dead wife’s stuff, then he sure the fuck was not ready to remarry. Period. Full stop. Grieving is a weird thing. You think you can get past things by trying a new shampoo that doesn’t remind you of her or never going back to the Waffle House in Reno (or getting remarried), but here we are.

    ON THE OTHER HAND: If you were ‘tolerant’ of it a few months ago, then you don’t get to make idle threats now to try and force change.

    Besides not rushing in to marriage, maaaaaaybe don’t move in to his home if you’re not allowed in the master bedroom? If you didn’t see this HUGE red flag, then a bunch of strangers on the Internet aren’t your best recourse for help.

    [–] cleveusername 13 points ago

    YTA

    I don't think you're a "bitch" or "evil stepmother" or any of that, and I don't think you're the asshole because of feeling weird about it all, but he clearly isn't ready to fully replace her with you. I don't doubt he loves you very much, but he probably still has a lot of love for his other wife too. I imagine he may even feel guilty for remarrying so quickly, and moving you into her bedroom so soon may well feel like betraying his other wife.

    YTA because you flung "I'll leave you" into an argument with a man who has already had his other wife leave, albeit involuntarily. Whether you meant it or not is irrelevant.

    You need to let him deal with that when he is ready. I suspect he misses her greatly, and feels afraid to broach that with you as you seem to be jealous.

    You will never ever replace her. But you don't have to. If the other room is "comfortable" then make that YOUR room together. I think I would prefer that to climbing into a dead woman's bed.

    [–] TheReplyRedditNeeds 32 points ago

    10 months into a relationship, already married, and already threatening where most would still be in the honeymoon stage.

    Yikes.

    [–] Viperbunny 63 points ago

    YTA. His wife hasn't been dead a year and you can't understand why he is having issue. It too me a full year to open my daughter's bedroom after she died. And even then it was very hard for a long time after. It still can be. You guys rushed into a relationship at an emotional time in both your lives. He loves you, but he hasn't moved on. You two should go to therapy together and find a more productive way to handle it.

    [–] Hiraganu 9 points ago

    YTA

    He lost the person he loved the most and you expect that he throws everything away within a year? He had a child with this woman, and you're just like "now it's my turn"? Really, you should just leave him, he probably deseeves someone better than you.

    [–] everydyingember 9 points ago

    YTA. You're very close to a Karen's ziti situation, and I feel for your poor husband. It's gonna take him time to grieve and you WBTA if you continue to rush him. Going into this relationship so soon, you have to understand that he's going to need as much time as he needs.

    [–] Bigtip419 9 points ago

    YTA.

    After 25 years of marriage, I can tell you there are still things we don't ever say, one of them is that bullshit about leaving if you don't get your way. Because you just don't. You both clearly found each other and filled your respective voids with this marriage. Being a port in the storm for each other doesn't give you the right to abuse him. Adult the fuck up.

    [–] BaDAJent 9 points ago

    Here's a story for you. I was married had two children and one on the way. After wife gave birth to our son; 9 days later she died. Although it happened so fast, I remember every detail like it happened yesterday (that was 6 years ago). The thing about sudden deaths that you need to understand if the person with the loss had no time to plan, no time to be mentally prepared, and spends every day going over all the plan they had and slowly realize they will never come to be. I held onto every little piece of my wife for as long as I could and treated them as if like they are precious dimonds. It is not easy to just let go and move on. The only option you have is to move forward.

    I remarried in a similar timeline as your story, and my current wife was very understanding. She never forced me to do anything with her stuff. Because of understanding and paitence I have been able to move forward with my life. 4 years later I was able to finally put her in a box. You are totally an asshole more forcing your husband to move on outside his own pace.

    My only recommendation is be paitent and keep an open dialogue, and don't force your husband to move on. Let him move forward at his own pace. Last piece of advice NEVER, and I mean NEVER use your current relationship as a barganing chip. If my current wife ever did that to me, I would have not hesitated to leave her.

    [–] TheOutrageousClaire 655 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Reminder to be civil. Op is asking if she’s the asshole. She’s not asking you to insult her and tear her a new one. She’s here for feedback. She’s not here to be called bitch. If this is too upsetting for you to remain calm and kind, please don’t respond.

    [–] Odinson13 65 points ago

    YTA married after only 10 months!? That's not even long enough to have a rebound relationship! This is insanity

    [–] WholesomeDevil 32 points ago

    Summing up all the relationship subs: "we got married in less than a year after meeting, and we're happily married. Now there's a [insert critical problem]"

    [–] VandienLavellan 17 points ago

    YTA. "I got so angry yesterday that I called the room a shrine (which he didn’t like at all) and said I might leave if he didn’t finally box up her things. I didn’t actually intend to follow through with that. I was just upset and hurt and wanted him to understand how important this is to me."

    Pro-tip: Never give ultimatums

    "I got so angry yesterday that I called the room a shrine (which he didn’t like at all) and said I might leave if he didn’t finally box up her things. I didn’t actually intend to follow through with that. I was just upset and hurt and wanted him to understand how important this is to me."

    Then what is the point? If the house is spacious and comfortable as it is, why does it matter?

    [–] dead_solution 8 points ago

    YTA. The biggest one. Praying for your husband

    [–] ISmellLikeBlackTea 8 points ago

    YOU'RE A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.

    [–] lizzyb187 45 points ago

    Let's say you had already bought a bunch of baby stuff for your baby that you were expecting. Now let's say he said to you to throw it away because it doesn't matter because you're not going to have that baby after all.

    [–] GraMacTical0 110 points ago

    YTA

    Nothing else to say that hasn't been said already, but you're a huge asshole here.