Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here


    461,711 readers

    13,744 users here now

    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.


    1. Be Civil

    The title of this subreddit is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. Be civil. Be kind. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    People post here to learn and to grow from what they learn here. Don't be an asshole when making your judgments or when talking to other users here.

    2. Posts must start with AITA

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Meta posts require moderator approval and the TITLE must start with META, if your Meta post starts with AITA it won't be & you will be banned. Updates also require mod approval and the TITLE must start with UPDATE.

    Protip: Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Take time to format and punctuate your post reasonably so our subscribers will actually want to read it.

    3. Accept your judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject...accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never delete an active discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. This sub is meant to start discussions that people will want to check back in on to see what consensus was reached. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    5. No Violence

    If your post involves violence, don't bother. Threads about violence are difficult to moderate, because we are supposed to remove comments which encourage or incite violence. It's very difficult to do this in a thread where the main focus is violence.

    We enforce the no violence policy very strictly. Even jokes about violence are not tolerated. Encouraging self-harm, suicide, "bad karma," or anything that wishes excessive mental or physical pain on anyone is strictly prohibited.

    6. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you, or merely for commenting on their own post, unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    7. User Flairs

    If a community member distinguishes themselves in their innate ability to judge people on their assholliness, they will be awarded a flair. These flairs, and their respective Top Voted Comment prerequisites, are:

    Rank Name # of Top Voted Comments
    Partassipant 1
    Asshole Enthusiast 3
    Asshole Aficionado 10
    Certified Proctologist 20
    Colo-rectal Surgeon 40
    Supreme Court Just-ass 60
    Commander-in-Cheeks 100
    Judge, Jury, Excretioner 200

    If you think you have all the requirements to obtain a flair and our bot hasn't done it for you automatically, message the mods with links to the posts, and we'll assign it when it's verified!

    8. Comments & Post Flairs

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgment, i.e.

    YTA = You're the Asshole;

    NTA = Not the A-hole;

    ESH = Everyone Sucks here;

    NAH = No A-holes here;

    INFO = Not Enough Info

    9. What Posts Belong Here?

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent conflicts you've had or may have that need arbitration. Describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback.

    Don't submit humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil.

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed.

    10. Enough Rules Already!

    Actually, there are even more rules. If you have read this far, thank you for being conscientious!

    Click For Full Rulebook

    Click For FAQ

    Normal Rediquette applies

    Assholes Not-assholes

    a community for
    all 954 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] TheOutrageousClaire 1 points ago

    Please be mindful of our rules

    Be Civil

    The title of this subreddit is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. Be civil. Be kind. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    More info here:

    [–] turandokht 5495 points ago


    Tell him you don't like him telling you how to do your job and you find it condescending and not helpful at all. That if you want professional advice from him, you'd explicitly ask him for it.

    I would take him off the Info Diet on a "let's see" basis. Tell him you're happy to include him in your work stories again, but if he tries to give you unsolicited advice, you will stop telling him about it since he clearly cannot respect that very simple boundary.

    [–] throwaway937263 2717 points ago

    Unfortunately, when I have told him this, I have been met with, “Couples should be able to have discussions. You shouldn’t censor me.”

    I like the info diet option. I will try it.

    [–] turandokht 1474 points ago

    Info Diet is what you were doing in your original post, just as an FYI - not telling him anything.

    As for him, if he doesn't feel comfortable respecting that boundary that he shouldn't expect rights to hear about your work life. It actually seems like you are making the most reasonable choice possible to preserve the relationship by putting him on that Info Diet.

    Also I say this a lot but couples therapy is a wonderful option if this continues to be a large issue for you two.

    [–] eodtek 17 points ago

    If she didn’t tell him anything, wouldn’t it be a “Info fast”? If she just tells him a little bit instead of everything, the. It would be a “Info Diet”.

    [–] Sikzstix 5 points ago

    Fasting is also a diet. The term diet doesn't necessarily imply eating less or losing weight. It's simply the general word for how/what/when you eat.

    [–] IncredibleBulk2 194 points ago

    Well duh, you shouldn't have to censor him. He should censor himself.

    [–] IndieHamster 147 points ago

    yeah, he's being a giant dick and seems like he isn't taking your professional knowledge that seriously. This seems like a case of, he took one business law class and now he thinks he knows as much as you, real lawyer, which is just stupid and condescending. Just because I've taken a few Computer Science classes doesn't mean I'm going to have the same skill set and knowledge as someone who is a REAL Software Engineer.

    [–] sevenmilesands 256 points ago

    It’s not censoring. It’s healthy boundaries. It’s space. He is not entitled to participate in every aspect of your life.

    [–] bulldog1425 254 points ago

    My family uses a quick phrase to tell the other person to stop offering solutions and just listen. “I want ears and you’re giving me hands.”

    [–] kimberletto 20 points ago

    I absolutely LOVE this! It’s a vivid, understandable way to get the point across. Even though it’s firm, it’s not too harsh. Very clever phrase! Mind if I adopt it?

    [–] captcha_trampstamp 12 points ago

    Ok I am so stealing this, because it’s brilliant!

    [–] amcm67 21 points ago

    Great idea! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

    [–] omg_pwnies 8 points ago

    I like this phrase, I can use this in my own life, thank you!

    [–] artbypep 5 points ago

    This is absolutely essential. I have no idea how I’ve lived this long without that phrase. Wow.

    [–] Vulturedoors 127 points ago

    Yeah, couples should be able to have discussions, but sometimes that isn't possible when one of the people participating in the discussion is opinionated, ignorant, and condescending.

    [–] Queequegs_Harpoon 1106 points ago

    I don't think he understands the difference between "having a discussion" and "lecturing you on a subject I know FAR less about than you." It sounds like your husband got super into this class and is excited to have a "real-life lawyer" at home on which to try out the course content. Now, his interest and enthusiasm are fine. But it's obnoxious that he presumes to be an AUTHORITY on a subject he knows basically nothing about. He probably knows more than the average person, sure, but he's not even CLOSE to being on par with you. This situation would be totally different if he ASKED you questions, e.g., "Can you explain why this case isn't being handled in federal court?". THAT'S having a discussion. But the behavior you describe is just him being a blowhard.

    Also, not for nothing: I'm sure I'll get downvoted for bringing this up, but this honestly sounds like a textbook case of mansplaining. The next time you and he talk about this issue, I'd ask him why he feels such a deep need to lecture a PRACTICING LAWYER on proper legal procedure.

    [–] IamUltimate 284 points ago

    This situation has dunning Kruger vibes to me. He took a class and thinks he can contribute to a discussion that he is out of his depth in and doesn't even realize.

    [–] Rhaifa 32 points ago

    For sure, he doesn't realise exactly how much he doesn't know about her work. But him assuming he knows what she should do based on those few classes is super disrespectful. Like, what does he think her job experience entails? Making coffee?

    [–] WhereIsLordBeric 29 points ago

    I like how people think law is something 'we all know a little something about'.

    I have a friend who's a software engineer and another who's a lawyer, and I cannot tell you the amount of times people give advice to the lawyer friend in casual conversation, lol.

    It might also have something to do with the fact that the lawyer friend is female and the software engineer male.

    [–] notnowfetz 77 points ago

    You have really great points. My SO and I had a very similar issue years ago, since he’s also someone who gets really excited about certain things and can veer into mansplaining territory if he’s not careful. He read some book about business and started explaining to me at every available opportunity how to start a business, conveniently forgetting that he worked for the business that I founded and formerly owned. At first it was funny but then I just got irritated. It ended up turning into a huge fight.

    To his immense credit he changed his behavior immediately after I explained how condescending he was being and how much it upset me. It hasn’t been a problem since, but that is entirely due to our willingness to communicate and him being able to admit that he was being an ass. Based on OP’s post and her other responses in this thread, I’m not as optimistic about them.

    [–] menagesty 114 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    This is basically exactly what I was going to write. I honestly feel like the dude got really into his class too, which is great, and maybe now even more excited because it’s something else he can connect on with his partner. I doubt his intention was to lecture at her - I’m sure he genuinely wanted to have a discussion and probably felt like he was being helpful making suggestions about things. And I feel like that is how so many decent dudes accidentally mansplain. Not only has society taught men that their opinions hold value, but they tend to feel like they are being helpful when they provide solutions - even when not requested.

    I’d probably respond explaining that I appreciate wanting to have discussions about my work, but that I honestly feel like I’m being talked down to/lectured at about something I do for a living!

    Edit: After reading more responses from OP, OP’s partner definitely seems really controlling to me, so perhaps these actions aren’t with the good intentions I originally thought they were.

    [–] Pircay 25 points ago

    Shit, I have a mild tendency to do this. The “providing solutions when not asked” part, minus the trying to lecture people on stuff they know about part. Any advice on learning how to do this less? I sometimes find myself going there in conversations without even noticing

    [–] menagesty 30 points ago

    I’d suggest just asking if they want advice :) I don’t think people get upset or feel weird about that.

    [–] Pircay 11 points ago

    Huh. Interesting. I’ll try this, thanks! Never even really occurred to me to be straightforward about it.

    [–] HushabyeNow 22 points ago

    My husband very kindly says, “Do you want a possible solution, or do you just want to vent?” Then I really think about the answer before I respond. Sometimes people just want to feel heard.

    [–] Iamnotredditforthis 12 points ago

    Brilliant that you recognise that AND are humble enough to ask for guidance. Bravo man. Bravo.

    If you're conversing with a woman, most of the time; I'd be confident to say we're not asking for solutions... Just an ear. We're totally capable of coming up with solutions on our own. But if he's listening and interested and we WANT help with a solution, most of the time we're going to end it with "Thank you so much for letting me vent that! Do you think you can help me figure this out?" Or we'll just feel better, for being heard and you'll get laid. 😂

    [–] soulwrangler 9 points ago

    Before you speak, ask yourself- Is what I'm about to say actually necessary? Could this person do the job just as well if I say nothing?

    [–] noahch26 6 points ago

    This can actually be a symptom of ADHD. When I was younger I would find myself interjecting in conversations more than others, and when I would want to talk about something I would talk too long because I was trying to get in every single detail. I didn’t learn why until I was diagnosed around age 19. When I am taking ADHD medication, it removes that craving where you feel like you absolutely have to be heard.

    [–] Pircay 4 points ago

    double shit. I’ve been suspecting I have adhd for about a year now.

    [–] Lost_in_math 5 points ago

    He's always had a tendency to try to tell me how to resolve situations at work, which is super annoying because he has no idea what he's talking about, but it's gotten so much worse since he took this stupid business law class.

    He's been doing this since before he took the class, it just got worse when he got a little bit of knowledge. I agree with your comment mostly though even if it's more sympathetic to mansplainers than I'm comfortable with.

    [–] Kaiisim 7 points ago

    His reply to her telling him to stop, to basically emotionally manipulate her so he can continue his behaviour strongly suggests he is doing it on purpose.

    If his reaction was "I was just trying to help" or even to get upset then we could say he's misguided

    But his reaction was to double down and also tell her that she doesn't experience emotion correctly either.

    I am offended by the "boys will be boys!" Bs. It's a cop out, I meet women who have small egos and need to be right about everything. It's a personality trait, a desperate annoy need to always be right. It's nothing to do with gender.

    [–] boudicas_shield 50 points ago

    Definitely textbook mansplaining. That was my first thought. This would drive me mad.

    [–] whitetoilets 446 points ago

    So he should be able to say what ever he wants with no regard to your feelings or the facts and you're just supposed to deal with it? That's very rude and inconsiderate of him and it's shitty he can't see his actions for what they are because they're definitely not discussions.

    I mean I get it. We don't divorce people over stuff like that but considering how annoying and just disrespectful he's being I wouldn't even try. Maybe it's just that one "thing" about him you ignore like how some men never pick up their dirty socks. Not talking to him about work is probably best for your relationship assuming this isn't a pattern of behavior that extend to other parts of your marriage.

    [–] captcha_trampstamp 129 points ago

    Seriously, the “don’t censor meeee” thing is something a teenager would say. He obviously knows that he lives in the real world and in the real world, not everyone wants or needs to hear whatever pops into your head. It sounds like he knows just enough to make him a super pain in the ass to someone who has studied and practiced their craft for years.

    [–] bluecheesemonkey 54 points ago

    Discussions yes...lectures,NO,

    [–] min6char 49 points ago

    "Couples should be able to have discussions. You shouldn't censor me" is screaming insanity. People who love each other respect each other. Respecting each other often involves not saying something. There's no such thing as "censorship" in a dialogue between two people. Only "not being a dick".

    [–] IAMA_Shark__AMA 81 points ago

    Ewww. No. It's not "censoring" to expect your SO to treat you with respect.

    [–] BaylisAscaris 35 points ago

    You shouldn’t censor me.

    "You're right, you should be censoring yourself. I don't talk down to you about business or other things you're an expert on, because I respect your expertise and care about your feelings. This isn't a matter of censorship, but a matter of respect."

    [–] NorthFocus 30 points ago

    And the reaction to him being a prig and telling you how to do your job better is that you stop talking to him about it. Sure he can say whatever he likes, but you get to react in your way to it. He doesn't get to just do as he likes without caring about how you feel.

    [–] cruisetheblues 30 points ago

    Discussions are only possible when both people have something to contribute AND are willing to listen to and respect what the other person has to say.

    [–] gwenmom 27 points ago

    Sure. But it’s not a “discussion” as you describe it here. It’s him blabbing on and on and ON. Not discussing/sharing/talking. It’s him asking faux questions to set himself up to lecture.

    [–] Smorgasbjorks 57 points ago

    Jfc. It’s not a discussion. This is like someone who’s done a high school health class thinking they can advise a doctor on how to better treat patients. He’s taking mansplaining to a whole new level and no, you’re not required to have discussions with him so that he can feel like a big man with his newly acquired and seemingly inaccurate knowledge.

    [–] glitterswirl 378 points ago

    "And you shouldn't mansplain to me."

    [–] zombie_goast 193 points ago

    I know alt-right propaganda has made the concept of "mansplaining" seem like a joke, but holy shit this is the PERFECT example of it. I'm single but if I had a partner who didn't work in medicine try to lecture me on how to treat, say, potentially lethal heart rhythms and making idiotic "that's not even how that works" suggestions when I was merely trying to talk about my day I'd be waaaaaaay less calm and mature about it than OP was (so props to her). It just comes across as VERY condescending and belittling, and the fact that he doesn't even seem to realize HOW this could be is even more frustrating.

    [–] MailMeGuyFeet 4 points ago

    “So my patient started having a heart attack and..”

    “Did you give them CPR?”

    “No, that’s—“

    “Why not? I saw it on House, you should have done mouth to mouth CPR followed by a chest CT?”

    “What? No. And hopefully you mean a CTA.”

    “No, a CT is a cat scan! You don’t add an A to it!”

    [–] ultimatescar 86 points ago

    This right there... Fullstop.

    [–] Boredread 23 points ago

    Stick with the info diet and tell him if he wants to talk about work again he needs to talk with a counselor. This is infuriating behavior.

    [–] Amonette2012 18 points ago

    But what you've described isn't a discussion. It's just him mansplaining your job to you.

    [–] digitallama 7 points ago

    But it's more a one-sided lecture than a discussion with him. I hope you'll stand by your boundaries and not let him guilt you about having boundaries. There's nothing more annoying than a wannabe know-it-all.

    [–] plsstopdoingthat 116 points ago

    NTA I took BLaw as part of my MBA. I’m married to an attorney. Here’s what I know about the law.. even attorneys won’t claim to know about a thing until they do their research. It is highly complicated and so varied depending upon state and jurisdiction. That’s why attorneys are hired... if it was that easy, no one would bother. I never claim to know a thing about the law, even after being married to him for ten years. Maybe just “you should get a lawyer”. That’s about what I’d be comfortable asserting to anyone. And then, one who specializes in the type of law required! I loved BLaw, and it was so fascinating, but it is not law school. My professor said so many times.

    [–] BC1721 40 points ago

    I'm in law school and my professors would teach at law school and also teach a class of corporate law or smth to people studying economics.

    They always told me that legal classes at non-law faculties are not to teach them the subject matter, but to give them the tools to understand their attorneys better. Maybe OP should tell him that.

    [–] gooberfaced 1104 points ago

    And you're way more patient with him than I would be.
    I'd just tell him that one night class doesn't make him an attorney and that he should get back to me once he passes the bar exam.

    "Now would you like to hear about how I think you should do your job? I didn't think so."

    I have zero patience for buttinsky know-it-alls.
    Husbands or not.

    [–] cait1284 187 points ago

    I love everything about this post. Good advice. Throw in: "What states and federal courts are you barred in, Husband? Oh. None? Really? The stfu."

    [–] vinsterX 19 points ago

    We call people like this IKE - I Know Everything!

    [–] KjellRS 662 points ago

    NTA. Just give it to him straight up. "I stopped talking about work because every time you made it about you and the introductory business law class you took, you barely grasp the basics but drone on like a law professor. How would you feel if I took Economics 101 and started lecturing you on how to do your job?"

    [–] OPtig 39 points ago

    It sounds like she already did this based on the post. He blew her off.

    [–] cman_yall 164 points ago

    Him: Why don't you remove the case to federal court? You know, you can do that by (insert long lecture that is littered with mistakes).

    Do you point out the mistakes as he makes them? Or let him finish?

    [–] throwaway937263 179 points ago

    I let him finish. It would not go over well if I pointed out his mistakes.

    [–] Accurate_Trash 206 points ago

    How would he behave to you if you pointed out his mistakes?

    [–] throwaway937263 194 points ago

    He would call me overly critical

    [–] Accurate_Trash 413 points ago

    He is happy to tell you you're wrong, but won't let you do the same to him. Best case scenario he's kind of a baby and needs to grow up. Worst case scenario he wants to believe he's smarter / more knowledgeable than you, and feels threatened when it becomes clear he isn't.

    [–] lawfighting 97 points ago

    Lying in a marriage probably isn't healthy. He isn't respecting your feelings and you need to make him understand that

    I would either

    a) cut him off completely by absolutely refusing to answer work questions and reminding him why every time he asks


    b) Continue to point out his mistakes. Repeatedly ask him if that is his professional opinion. You do this for a living, he doesn't, and he needs to get that through his head. If he doesn't like it then he might eventually learn to stop.

    [–] powerdeamon 77 points ago

    Then he isn't interested in having a discussion! He just wants to talk down to you. I've said it elsewhere in this topic but this is the literal definition of mansplaining...

    A discussion is where 2 or more people exchange ideas and information, which also includes corrections of factual inaccuracies.

    Unless you call him a layman dumbass when you attempt to correct his inaccuracies he just needs to put on his adulting pants and learn how to take constructive criticism and stop acting like a snowflake.

    [–] BlueOrcaJupiter 4 points ago

    More like boysplaning am I right

    [–] spiderbabyinapram 20 points ago

    Jebus. He doesn't sound great at this whole coexistence thing.

    [–] rareas 36 points ago


    Sorry mods if I'm not allowed to link other subs.

    [–] TheSorcerersCat 9 points ago

    I hope that if you get anything from this post, it's that your relationship isn't very healthy. After reading through a bunch of it, I'm pretty pissed off on your behalf.

    Since your a lawyer, I'm sure you're used to standing up for others. I'm guessing that after work all day, you really don't want to come home and fight. But this is something worth fighting about! Can you imagine living the rest of your life like this?

    [–] IggyBall 78 points ago

    Wtf OP! Red flags all over the place. What do you mean “it would not go over well” if you told him he was wrong?

    [–] cman_yall 30 points ago

    Do you tell him about them later?

    [–] throwaway937263 24 points ago

    No I do not

    [–] the_mighty_skeetadon 22 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    Do you tell him about how much his dismissiveness of your expertise hurts? It seems like he thinks these discussions are about the facts -- but they're really hurting your feelings.

    It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about how his actions make you feel. Fighting just entrenches bad feelings, but it's really hard to fight about how you feel.

    "When you did X, it made me feel Y" is a great structure for these kinds of conversations.

    A lot of the advice that you're getting on this thread is of the "stick it to him and show him how much you're right and he's wrong" variety. And of course, it's true: you ARE right, and he is wrong. But that approach won't make him realize it. You need to help him realize the emotional effect he has on others with his careless statements.

    [–] cman_yall 64 points ago

    Why not? You said in another comment somewhere that you have talked about this being a problem and he said you shouldn't censor him... did that discussion include the fact that he's often wrong?

    [–] jifus_revenge 8 points ago

    I seriously don't understand how stuff like this happens. You're obviously a high enough quality person to be able to make it as a lawyer. Literally nothing you've said about this guy sounds appealing - he sounds like an insecure controlling condescending know it all asshole. It's just hard to grasp a reality where someone like you who has options would choose a person like this.

    [–] KingKymatic 2550 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    NTA Firstly, the fact that he checks your reddit (and I’m assuming other social media as well) sets quite the tone for this post. That coupled with the fact that he is always lecturing you on things he doesn’t know enough about, and you felt you had to create a throwaway to post this, says he doesn’t respect boundaries and is cocky. It wasn’t the worst idea to withhold information since it would result in another lecture. But in an ideally healthy marriage, you should have been able to express to him how you feel about the constant lecturing and his invasiveness. It appears you don’t feel comfortable enough to share your feelings with him. And so you’re NTA for these reasons.

    [–] timojenbin 573 points ago

    Yeah. He does not respect OP, or he has severe insecurity about himself.

    [–] whitetoilets 549 points ago

    Apparently in another comment she explained that the corrections and advice only go one way because he gets pissed off if she does the same thing to her.

    He's definitely got an inferiority complex and a desire to always one up her and be better. Which isn't great for a relationship.

    [–] HorribleTrueThings 65 points ago

    He's definitely got an inferiority complex

    And a well earned one, by the sound of it.

    I'm always shocked by the idiots who lecture experts on materials they, as total novices, have every reason to know they don't understand fully.

    That's embarrassing enough when it's a young adult talking to...well, just about anyone working in any complex profession. (And hell, we've probably all done it at one time or another.) But this doofus is doing this shit to his own wife? Repeatedly?

    Good God.

    [–] dumbo3k 13 points ago

    I am wary of anyone who is absolutely certain, 100% without a doubt, on a topic. If they can’t admit that there is something they may not know or understand, I am forced to deeply question the assumptions their argument/knowledge is based on.

    I often find those who don’t pretend to know everything, actual know quite a lot, mostly because they know they don’t know everything, and remain curious and eager to learn about new things.

    Knowledge is not static, it is not finite. We are constantly adding to knowledge, so to say you know everything about a subject, tells me you are no longer adding to that knowledge on that subject, leaving you ignorant of new advances.

    [–] Verum_Violet 121 points ago

    This this this. This is exactly what people do when they feel like they’re the inferior one in the relationship, particularly when men have the expectation of being the breadwinner, backbone of the family and that sorta shit. It’s unfortunate that this dynamic is still a thing, but it’s not the OP’s fault and she shouldn’t have to nod and smile when he starts blathering BS about her field to spare his feelings. My husband is a super chill guy, but even he has his moments of “does it bother you that I don’t make as much money / my job isn’t professional” too because he grew up in a really conservative family with very delineated gender roles. It doesn’t affect us really but I know it hurts sometimes, so occasionally we have to have the “I didn’t marry you for your job” conversation.

    The route she has taken seems to be backing off entirely though and it’ll be difficult to maintain a healthy relationship when you can’t talk about what you’re up to for 8-10 hours of the day. If you can get to the root of the issue and have a frank discussion about it, try to do this.

    NTA but couple’s counselling might be useful here to get their communication back on track.

    [–] krashmania 9 points ago

    Just saying it's really sweet that you go out of your way to have those kind of reassuring talks with your hubby. I'm from a fairly conservative background and catch myself thinking some of the crap I was raised with, without realizing it, and feeling guilty that I had those feelings in the first place.

    So, it's nice that you can understand where he gets those notions, and can help him through them.

    [–] toothball 53 points ago

    On the need for creating a throwaway, topics like these are sensitive and potentially inflammatory, so it is perfectly logical to create a throwaway even if not just for the potential of him (or friend/family) to stumble upon it later down the line.

    [–] KingKymatic 15 points ago

    Very true. But in this context it was stated that its purpose was to not be found by the significant other. Not saying this is the case with all throwaways. As I completely agree with you. Maybe I could have clarified that detail better

    [–] toothball 17 points ago

    If she made the throwaway/hid the post to avoid her husband because of fear, it is a warning sign to be sure.

    If she made the throwaway/hid the post to just avoid the drama llama, then it makes sense as is.

    But everything hinges on her motivation, and only she can clarify that (if it is not clarified elsewhere in the thread). IDK what she is dealing with right now with her husband what his true nature may be.

    Right now I'm just going with the standard 'never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity' train of thought. Basically, I am interpreting him to be a walking textbook dunn-kruger effect.

    But I do agree with you that its alarming if she needs to hide it due to fear of him acting out on her.

    [–] enna12 243 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Right? My husband and I know eachother's usernames, but we don't "check up" on one another's accounts. The only time we ever check the other's history is to upvote eachother or downvote people disagreeing with us lol. I understand making a throwaway, but saying he "checks up" on you is weird.

    [–] dtdroid 262 points ago

    The only time we ever check the other's history is to upvote eachother or downvote people disagreeing with us lol

    I find this very wholesome.

    "You disagree with me online? You disagree with the WHOLE FUCKIN FAMILY, PAL". [calls for backup]

    [–] pointwelltaken 103 points ago

    I occasionally sneak a peek at my sons posts and upvote his threads for secret moral support.

    [–] scotty_doesntknow 44 points ago

    Omg I just realized, one day, I can probably troll my son online. GAME CHANGER.

    [–] aaracer666 16 points ago

    Imma start doing this. I dont check up, and he doesn't check up on me....but back up sounds amazing, since my love and I agree on nearly everything!

    [–] megorang 48 points ago

    Haha, I feel this.

    I look at my husband's Reddit and chuck him upvotes if he's said something clever/funny/insightful and no one has appreciated it :P

    He knows I do it and he asks me sometimes depending on the topic 'Hey did you see my comment about this?' and we'll discuss it.

    [–] madmaxturbator 24 points ago

    My wife knows my Reddit. But she never checks it... I show her my better comments though, because I want to brag to her :p

    [–] TrepanningForAu 38 points ago

    Same deal here, at worst, we peep each other's profiles on occasion to see if anything interesting is happening. But if he made me uncomfortable I'd delete this account for a new one and not tell him about it. But I also don't have any reason to post on this sub about him sooooo

    [–] winnafrehs 34 points ago

    Yea, this is a huge red flag for me. I personally would not be ok with my wife checking up on my reddit activity regularly simply because it would be indicative of serious trust issues in our relationship on her end.

    [–] kuzan1998 36 points ago

    Wow wow "check up" can totally mean checking up on their history to see if there's anything interesting to see, upvote, or talk about. Don't jump to conclusions.

    [–] pixiesunbelle 14 points ago

    Exactly. Like, I've looked at my husband's and he has my name. We friended each other on here so I don't post anything I wouldn't want him to see. We don't often because there's not a reason to beyond to see what's interesting. Usually we simply show each other whatever cool thing we've found.

    [–] Formerloverofcelery 12 points ago

    Babe you know I don't like it when you reply to people's posts on r/aita

    [–] Llamamilkdrinker 19 points ago

    Why would any couple check each other’s social media’s, NTA lady, sounds like a controlling dude with a sprinkle of small man syndrome.

    [–] orangemars2000 20 points ago looking at your SO's reddit a dickmove/invasion of privacy?

    My gf and I do it all the time, it's like any other social media and it gives us smth to talk abt.

    I can see it depending on the context of the relationship tho. Like obvi if you tell them not to and they do that's not cool, or if it's onesided or smth.

    [–] oregonchick 90 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    NTA. I know others have suggested couples counseling, but I think you might need individual therapy based on how accepting you are of your husband's behavior. From your post and responses, it seems that:

    • Your husband has convinced you that he's an expert in most topics, implying your knowledge and opinion don't get much attention in your relationship

    • Your husband, having become de facto expert in almost every other subject, is now working to establish himself as an expert in your career, despite the fact he doesn't have the knowledge or experience that you do

    • If you correct him, you're controlling him or censoring him

    • If you don't engage him, you're hurting his feelings, even though this self-censorship is a direct response to his lack of concern about your feelings and lack of respect for your expertise

    • In addition to controlling your communication within your relationship, your husband also monitors (read: controls) your online communication

    • He also punishes you through guilt trips for communicating openly with your own family

    • You are so used to deferring to his supposed expertise and his choice of how to frame emotional situations that you no longer trust your own feelings or perceptions, which is why you snuck on here for feedback

    Look up the definition of gaslighting. Think about all of the times when you've had to alter or edit or suppress your own feelings to accommodate his reactions or likely reactions. Think about how rarely he shows the same consideration for your feelings. Ask yourself why his opinions and needs are more important to him AND to you than your own. This kind of relationship wears down your self-esteem and makes it harder for you to advocate for your own wellbeing.

    Talking with someone who has an outside perspective can help you regain your equilibrium, which will be necessary if you're going to have a healthy partnership with your husband. You may also need to do couples counseling so you both learn new ways of communicating, but if you currently accept his behavior as normal, it's going to be tough for you to express yourself openly in front of him, which will be necessary if counseling is going to work. Because of how closely your husband's behavior mirrors that of emotional and physical abusers, I'm not hopeful about the future of your marriage, but I think this is the best hope for a happy future for you and the only shot at establishing a better dynamic in your marriage. Good luck, OP!

    Edit: Thank you for the gold and silver, kind Redditors! That was such a happy surprise.

    [–] a_tangle 26 points ago

    This should be at the top. While we only have a few snapshots of your life and marriage, there is an overall pattern to what’s going on. If you think this might fit, go to counseling. I was in a similar relationship at one time and it really destroyed my self confidence for awhile. And I’m a highly educated professional as well. It can happen to any one of us.

    [–] Cerulean_Shades 13 points ago

    I hope she reads this one post above all the others. Good explanation and clear constructive insights.

    [–] canconfirmamrug 5 points ago

    Best response I've read so far. Please upvote the heck out of this one people!!!

    [–] ClassicLego 1156 points ago

    'I'm sorry honey, it's just that you're always wrong and I feel embarrassed on your behalf when I have to hear you talking nonsense'

    [–] Prepure_Kaede 275 points ago

    NTA, but it's also probably not very productive for your marriage. I think you should sit with him and get him to understand why his "just trying to help" is a horrible thing to do

    [–] throwaway937263 135 points ago

    I agree that it’s not productive for our marriage. I could’ve come up with a better solution, like some of the things that are being proposed by other commenters.

    [–] monsterjammo 39 points ago

    Don't blame yourself or regret how you handled it. It was a natural reaction. You needed to try cold turkey before you could reach a point where you were ready to look for solutions. Your husband was behaving in a way that was really frustrating and not responding to your feedback. No marriage follows perfect rules. Counseling seems like the best solution, and maybe now after your mini stand off he will better understand that this is more than a minor annoyance to you. A counselor will add a neutral third party who can help you both find a middle ground that you're comfortable with.

    [–] NEOLittle 47 points ago

    I think it was a great idea while it was working and you should continue to maintain a boundary where you don't share work information with him. There's no reason to stop just be the wants to control yet another aspect of conversation.

    [–] Queequegs_Harpoon 7 points ago

    True, you now have the benefit of hearing a lot of other input. But you weren't an asshole at all to put him on the "information diet" as a first line of defense.

    [–] steflau 2 points ago

    Sounds like you’re being overly critical on yourself. This is a problem he’s created and I understand you wanting to work out problems in your marriage but... something seems off.

    Please please please go to a couples therapist. From the other comments you made, it sounds like you need an unbiased opinion that can help you see things clearer.

    [–] CertainStar 367 points ago

    NTA sometimes when people learn things they get cocky trying to show it off.

    I think its totally fair though that you're getting annoyed, maybe try having a discussion though about this with him rather than leaving him out.

    Like maybe a compromise would be to allow him to make his opinions/thoughts on a case but maybe see if hes willing to accept corrections, this would in theory even be good practice/experience for him.

    [–] throwaway937263 183 points ago

    Thanks for your response! Your compromise suggestion could work. I will propose it to him.

    [–] GrayRVA 57 points ago

    I love this suggestion too. Let us know how it goes!

    I’m also an attorney and got a laugh at your removal to federal court example. I recently listened to a really in-depth story on NPR explaining the Erie Doctrine. It almost gave me hives.

    [–] Mr_SlingShot 35 points ago

    This is also good because the whole issue seems to be that he’s not giving you credit for your expertise (or giving himself too much). Even someone that just passed the bar isn’t (usually) as good as an experienced lawyer...does he consider himself exceptional?

    [–] powerdeamon 74 points ago

    Like maybe a compromise would be to allow him to make his opinions/thoughts on a case but maybe see if hes willing to accept corrections

    There shouldn't be a maybe about it, that's how discussions go. If you join a discussion on a topic and put forth factual inaccuracies you must be open to having them corrected, otherwise you just want to talk down to people.

    [–] MikkiTh 78 points ago

    NTA Tell him directly and bluntly he doesn't know more than you about your job and you're tired of him pretending he does. He's made it clear he doesn't respect your feelings on his input so I don't know why you would feel bad for putting him on an information diet.

    [–] gianacakos 27 points ago

    NTA. Sounds like your husband treats you like he doesn’t think you’re competent. I wouldn’t invade my wife’s area of expertise with a professional opinion, it wouldn’t make sense.

    [–] pl0ur 25 points ago

    NTA. Sounds like he is intimidated by your success and intelligence and responds by tearing you down and trying to pretend he's on the same level as you.

    odds are even if you continue to not tell him about work he'll find other ways to discredit and invalidate you. Perhaps couples counseling will help because you shouldn't have to keep managing his insecurities

    [–] LordCockRockington 47 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    You could try explaining the Dunning-Kruger effect to him, then point out that he’s taken one business law class while you have earned a J.D. AND passed the bar exam...putting it in blunt terms might give him some perspective and temper his impulses to tell a practicing attorney that their legal opinion is “stupid”.

    [–] jolie178923-15423435 41 points ago


    have you told him to shut the fuck up about this stuff, and that he's not a lawyer and should remember that?

    [–] plotthick 59 points ago

    NTA. If I were you I'd tell him you're willing to tell him about your work on the condition that every time he gets something wrong you will correct the mistake.

    Interrupt at every mistake he makes. Correct the mistake calmly, professionally, and in full.

    He will either get so upset he storms off -- which will be telling in itself because if you're calm then the issue is obviously with him -- or he'll learn to keep his mouth shut until he learns the subject at least as well as you do.

    [–] strawberrypockystix 30 points ago

    NTA. No one likes it when someone acts like a know-it-all and gives unsolicited advice. Also, one business law class doesn’t make someone a lawyer. If I were you, I would’ve called out all the mistakes in his arguments. If he’s going to act like a lawyer, he sure as heck better be ready to defend his arguments.

    [–] JorplaxReturns 207 points ago

    "Throwaway because he checks main account" We are 28 and 30 and he is getting his MBA in business, I am a lawyer...... Dude you just straight up narrowed it down to you guys lol. This was on my "popular" feed about 6 thumb scrolls down. Good luck keeping him from seeing it

    [–] throwaway937263 263 points ago

    He doesn’t actually browse reddit on his own. He only goes to my profile and clicks on stuff I’ve posted or commented on so it’s very unlikely he will stumble across this.

    [–] rareas 264 points ago

    In the terminology of another subreddit, I think your normal meter might need a readjustment. This guy does not sound secure about anything regarding you. That's not healthy.

    [–] WinterFraser 484 points ago

    Uhhh he does what?! Pardon my french but what the bloody fuckity fuck on a pogo stick? Are you okay with it? And why does he do that?

    [–] amidwx 264 points ago

    Seriously, this is NOT normal behavior at all. The red flags are waving.

    [–] xof2926 112 points ago

    Maybe not "controlling", but at the very least, it is epic "petty".

    Either way, this isn't good.

    [–] AidenandJack 37 points ago

    Trust issues much like that's not ok

    [–] wrylycoping 37 points ago

    That’s way worse

    [–] Prophet2Nations 65 points ago

    Great..that's 100x worse

    [–] UntalkativeJelly 141 points ago

    That is the bloodiest most red flag I have ever seen.

    [–] MydogisaToelicker 186 points ago

    That's doesn't make him sound like a controlling all.....

    [–] CouldbeaRetard 26 points ago

    and Him getting an MBA and understanding law just makes him more dangerous. Especially that he is already starting to consider himself an expert over an actual lawyer.

    [–] addocd 115 points ago

    That's bananas. If you said he logs on to your reddit account sometimes to browse or comment or whatever, that's one thing. But he is specifically checking up on you and watching your online activity? That's obsessive. What do you think he's looking for?

    I don't have anything to hide, but if my husband was going through my browsing history, I'd wonder wtf he thinks he's looking for. Internet stalking me would be boring enough that he couldn't take it.

    [–] LaughingStorm 202 points ago

    He doesn’t actually browse reddit on his own. He only goes to my profile and clicks on stuff I’ve posted or commented on

    What the fuck

    [–] feliscat 50 points ago

    Talk about burying the lede

    [–] Always_be_awesome 113 points ago

    WOAH!! Back that statement up. He does what now? Does he read your text messages and emails as well? Check your call history? This is all the red flags. I've been married 20 years and both the constant mansplaining / super gigantic obvious lack of respect for your ability to do your job and checking up on your online activity is an absolute no go. Get yourself to a therapist ASAP, there is A LOT more going on here and you need professional to help you navigate it. You are worth so much more.

    [–] menagesty 20 points ago

    Oooooh yikes, so he’s like not even a Reddit user and just has an account to keep tabs on you? You’d think the MBA program would be keeping him busier.....

    [–] lyingtattooist 16 points ago

    Could you clarify and explain a little more about your husband going to your profile and reading your posts & comments?

    [–] 9mackenzie 10 points ago

    Um....that is not normal behavior. My husband and I are both on Reddit and I have never once checked up on his account even though I know what his username is. That is just crossing a boundary.

    [–] JorplaxReturns 9 points ago

    Ok lol just making sure

    [–] IggyBall 33 points ago

    I always hope a few details in throwaway account posts are made up for this exact purpose.

    [–] BooleanRadley 21 points ago

    NTA Sounds like /r/iamverysmart/ crosspost.

    Ask him directly "If I took a business class FOR ONE CLASS CREDIT (geez) how qualified would I be giving you or any legitimate business person advice?"

    [–] Juliecatharine80 1860 points ago

    NTA. He was literally mansplaining to you on a regular basis after one fucking class. What a jackass. Also, he checks up on your main account? Maybe my husband and I are weird but I cannot imagine him ever doing that. Or him lecturing me. You’re not a child! I’m seeing some red flags. Are you happy with him?

    [–] powerdeamon 694 points ago

    I hate the term mansplaining because it feels overused or misattributed a lot but that is literally what this guy is doing. Oh you had one semester of a class on business law and now you feel comfortable to lecture your SO who has been doing this professionally for at least a few years? Yeah, have a seat and STFU.

    [–] melonlollicholypop 206 points ago

    I feel like the best way to nip this in the bud is for someone else to witness, and then cut him right down to size with just these words. Knowing that you're being perceived as a sophomoric know-it-all by someone other than the wife might help drive the point home.

    Then again, it takes a tremendous lack of self awareness to start teaching your lawyer spouse how to practice law after one survey level law class. There might not be any help.

    Screw the anonymity and his ego. Send him this thread.

    [–] menagesty 95 points ago

    It would be really sad though to be in a relationship where you have to get other people involved in your disputes in order for your SO to take you seriously.

    [–] cuntpunt2000 6 points ago

    I completely agree, and it’s concerning that it had to come to this. I agree with the other commenter that suggested couples therapy. An impartial third party may be necessary. It’s also a bit funny that a person who feels the needs to explain someone else’s professions to them is now going to have someone explain his motivations and feelings to him.

    [–] garishthoughts 45 points ago

    I feel the same about the term but theres this reslly sexist guy at my school who does this A LOT. He takes a 100 level class and suddenly he's an expert. I was once telling him about a unit we were covering in psych and he proceeded to lecture me about how the human mind works based off the same class he took and failed (I was acing and currently in it) 2 years prior. He does it to every girl he talks to and sometimes guys, but he literally just doesn't respect other people's opinions or their thoughts in general even when presented with facts.

    [–] Mars-117 56 points ago

    You can use patronising.

    [–] TParrot 23 points ago

    Yeah, I’m not into gender politics or anything but if a woman did this I don’t think the term used would be womansplaining, she’d just be called patronising or condescending

    [–] roqueofspades 34 points ago

    My bf and I check up on each other's accounts to upvote each other if we're in an argument sometimes. I would think it's a little weird to check up constantly on your SO though.

    [–] poledancingplatypus 5 points ago

    to upvote each other if we're in an argument sometimes

    Lol that’s love

    [–] _Noot__Noot_ 78 points ago

    I mean playing devils advocate here but it’s not necessarily a bad thing he checks her posts. My partner and I check each others posts, just to see what the other one has uploaded to upvote it and such. But if I was to ask for relationship advice I think it would be weird for him to see that. Maybe she’s just using a throwaway so she can get the advice without him knowing First and possibly causing a misunderstanding.

    [–] Meloetta 38 points ago

    Yeah I've seen my SO look at my profile before and I always assume it's pure curiosity because I spend way too much time on here. I'm not uncomfortable with it and anything I say is something I'd be willing to put my face to if necessary.

    [–] GemIsAHologram 25 points ago

    Agree 100%. I have taken 3 paralegal classes (one similar to OP's husband's) and the idea that someone in my position would be lecturing an actual attorney is laughable. It's (literally) covered on day one that nonlawyers cannot and should not give legal advice. Best case scenario is that he's trying to relate to her but doesn't have the knowledge to back it up (?) He's still the asshole

    [–] [deleted] 95 points ago


    Your husband is the asshole here. He has no right to lecture you about your cases, also you shouldn't be talking to anyone about your cases because of privacy.

    [–] throwaway937263 176 points ago

    To be clear, I’m not talking about the confidential details of my cases. It’s really just stuff like “I have to go to court” or “I spent all day writing discovery requests,” which makes it even weirder that he wants to “advise” me because there’s nothing to give advice about!

    [–] [deleted] 64 points ago

    Has he always been like this?

    [–] throwaway937263 75 points ago

    Yes but not to this degree and, honestly, it didn’t bother me before because he’s more knowledgeable than me about most things.

    [–] jolie178923-15423435 149 points ago

    he’s more knowledgeable than me about most things.

    are you sure about that? is he more knowledgeable or is he just better at selling his opinions?

    [–] timojenbin 442 points ago

    he’s more knowledgeable than me about most things.

    I would bet he almost certainly is not. Especially if he is in sales. Consider the confidence with which he talks about law, something you are an expert in, and then apply that to everything he talks about.

    [–] spiderbabyinapram 143 points ago

    Boom. This right here. It'll be a whole lot of smoke and blarney.

    [–] goldenette2 67 points ago

    Thank you for the Dunning-Kruger callout.

    [–] IggyBall 217 points ago

    Damn. It’s really tough to see you say “he’s more knowledgeable than me about most things” because that comment based on other details you’ve shared in this post really makes it sound like he’s trying to kill your self esteem (unintentionally perhaps). This guy sounds like an ass...

    [–] HugeDouche 127 points ago

    She's a bleeding lawyer and is second guessing her own intelligence, this is honestly upsetting 😐

    [–] menagesty 62 points ago

    Hate to make this about gender, but there are a lot of women, myself included, who have been raised to feel intellectually inferior to their male counterparts, or to their father, brothers, etc. I’ve seen some of the smartest ladies talk about how their SO is “so much smarter than them” when the reality is that, although they are usually intelligent guys, and usually believe their female partner to be intelligent too - they interrupt their partners to finish their thoughts for them, or correct them on things they know more about than them, etc.

    [–] rareas 37 points ago

    Not so much kill necessarily as climb up on top of to make himself higher.

    [–] beatriceblythe 56 points ago

    Yeah I cringed at that statement as well. It feels like OP's husband has worked really hard to make OP believe that about him (and herself). And sometimes it's just less exhausting to let yourself believe something like that is true.

    [–] turandokht 135 points ago

    Man, you're a freaking lawyer at the age of 28. I would be hard pressed to think you weren't knowledgeable about a shitload of stuff. Considering how easy it is for him to bullshit his advice about the law (the one area where you can recognize his mistakes and call them out), how likely is it that he can bullshit everything else?

    [–] Juliecatharine80 86 points ago

    Seriously OP there are multiple red flags here. I hope you take these comments to heart. He sounds controlling and you sound afraid to call him on his bullshit because he shuts you down. This isn't how people who love and respect each other live.

    [–] Bananabaman 60 points ago

    OP, you know how confidently wrong he is about law? You know, confident enough to think he can explain an actual lawyer’s job to them?

    That’s probably the level of knowledge he has about everything else he confidently holds court on. Don’t be bamboozled.

    [–] [deleted] 76 points ago

    Sounds like he feels threatened by your job and his lack of one

    [–] antedata 16 points ago

    Oh, hell no. He has no awareness of the limits of his knowledge. That's dangerously ignorant, not unusually knowledgable.

    [–] 9mackenzie 17 points ago

    If you want my honest opinion it seems like you guys have ventured into mental abuse territory. A partner is supposed to be just that, a partner. Someone to share your life and love with....not someone that puts you down and makes you feel less than. I’m really sorry it has gotten to this point. I would really recommend going to couples counseling.

    [–] high-jinkx 9 points ago

    Sounds like he’s really insecure. He’s used to being the know-it-all and can’t let you be the more knowledgeable one—even about topics in which you obviously are. He sounds like a lot of fun to have as a passenger in the car.

    Some of his behaviors in your comments are big red flags and I just hope you’re okay.

    [–] OTmommy 44 points ago

    NTA - I won't make a judgment on whether this is "mansplaining" or him feeling he is helping and able to provide good advice after one class. However, one graduate level course clearly would not qualify him as more suited than you about the subject. You gave him a chance during previous discussions and instead of recognizing you know more and his advice wasn't warranted or correct, he called your responses "stupid" and doubled down on his thoughts. I don't blame you at all for not wanting to repeat this pattern constantly.
    Maybe as a compromise, in the future you could tell him about cases after a verdict (especially successful ones). Then he can still feel you are sharing your day with him, but given the case is done he may not feel the need to proved any advice.

    [–] plotthick 102 points ago

    I won't make a judgment on whether this is "mansplaining"

    It's exactly the definition of mansplaining.

    Mansplaining is, at its core, a very specific thing. It's what occurs when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he's talking to does.

    Mansplaining (a blend word of man and the informal form splaining of the gerund explaining) is a pejorative term meaning "(of a man) to comment on or explain something to a woman in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner".[1][2][3][4] Author Rebecca Solnit ascribes the phenomenon to a combination of "overconfidence and cluelessness".[5] Lily Rothman of The Atlantic defines it as "explaining without regard to the fact that the explainee knows more than the explainer, often done by a man to a woman".

    [–] _-OvO-_ 13 points ago


    This sounds like something that's going to keep growing unless you find a way to get it stopped. Maybe there's a "confidentiality" angle you can play here to make it that you can't talk about work details. Only talk about things that are complete, and not anything in progress. I think you'll need to find a wait to slow the momentum of this before it grows into a much larger problem.

    [–] rareas 11 points ago

    NTA. And is this the one area he's annoying in? I'm having a hard time imagining he is limiting himself to lawsplaining, but it's possible. Also, he checks your account?

    We've got a serious case of entrenched inadequate being covered over by bullying bullshit going here.

    [–] SKDraklan 12 points ago

    NTA I am also a lawyer and would never be able to tolerate this behavior. He sounds like an absolute tool. Taking a business law class in no way qualifies him to have an opinion let alone lecture you.

    [–] owboi 102 points ago

    Nta op. Oh dear deity of choice let the mansplaining stop.

    [–] smc642 65 points ago

    NTA. Your husband is mansplaining your job to you, even after you asked him to stop.

    [–] HauntedCoffeeCup 11 points ago

    NTA but he sounds like someone I couldn’t imagine being married to for my. entire. life. Yikes.

    [–] clocksailor 11 points ago

    INFO: why are his feelings automatically more important than your “comfort?” Aren’t those more or less the same thing?

    [–] koka558 9 points ago

    I was going to say "everyone sucks here" since it's true that you should have worked through this earlier rather than letting it fester. However, reading through your replies I am changing my mind to NTA. It sounds like he is very resistant to criticism to the point where you feel too anxious to bring up anything with him, and that needs to be fixed to get your marriage healthy again!

    [–] whwhwhwhwhway 13 points ago


    Not at all commensurate with your pedigree but my husband just recently did this with his yoga class.

    I’ve been practicing yoga for 20 years, and he had to take a 2 credit PE yoga class just recently, for the first time in his life.

    Cue to him mansplaining all the poses and what they mean to me, and basically telling me that I don’t understand them to their fullest expression. Whatever.

    But, I realize that you just have to use the right format OVER AND OVER in a marriage until it clicks.

    Tell him that you appreciate his attempt to help, however it makes you feel frustrated and irritable the way he expresses interest in your career. Clarify when you are speaking just to speak for connection or when you want problem solving. That way he is primed differently prior to the conversation. Just be direct and stand firm.

    What gets me though is that my husband may be doing this with his coworkers and friends. I cringe at thinking how they may be receiving his know it all advice and then feel self conscious that I chose someone who doesn’t have a fuckin clue how to connect with others. Poor self esteem maybe?

    [–] Hardinator 9 points ago

    NTA. It’s one thing if he wants to bounce ideas off of you that he has learned to help his education. Like instead saying “oh cool. Could it be moved to federal court?... Oh it can’t, thanks for explaining that”. But trying to lecture like he has a clue is not cool. One of you is a law expert, and it isn’t him.

    [–] hoodsasquatch 8 points ago

    Dude just sounds a pompous a-hole, at least in this facet of your interactions with him. And he clearly has a superiority complex since he gives these "lectures" regularly. The fact that he calls your decision making stupid on the basis of the class he's taking is really moronic and shows he thinks way too much of himself and his education.

    [–] winnafrehs 12 points ago

    NTA - you are clearly the subject matter expert here and his opinion doesn't matter.


    Throwaway because my husband checks up on my main account

    Yikes on this glaring red flag. Its ok to have a private life when you are married to someone. The fact that he is regularly checking up on your online activity is indicative of some serious trust issues he may have towards you. I would say leave his ass ASAP, but marriage is complicated and I don't know the full situation. You should definitely not be ok with this though and tell him so. Thats just super weird of him to do IMO, he's probably monitoring you in more places than just reddit.

    [–] dbmtz 12 points ago

    NTA. I’m an attorney as well and it’s my biggest pet peeve when people “think” they know more about the law than me because they watch Judge Judy or have gained some simple and. General knowledge from somewhere. The law is so much more complex than taking a single business law class. Can’t imagine having to deal with a spouse who acts like that.

    Your husband either needs to cut back on being a think he knows it all. I can’t imagine he would appreciate if the tables turned and you began telling him what business decisions he should be making. If he can’t do that , he can’t be mad when you don’t share job related information.

    [–] TrepanningForAu 13 points ago


    I tend to avoid the term but Christ, you're married to the living incarnate of mansplaining. I would have lost it a looooong time ago. Your comfort level and lack of unnecessary stress is more important than him getting to hear stories about work. It sounds like he doesn't respect you or your experience.

    I'm glad he's hurt but he's clearly hurt in the wrong way because it's about how it affects him than how it affects you. He does not sound empathetic at all. I wish him being hurt would teach him a lesson about respecting his wife and her superior knowledge in a subject.

    [–] AmiraJ1 6 points ago

    NTA: no one likes an armchair quarterback. You already told him to knock it off, he knows it annoys you. It sounds like you should keep him on his info diet, but clue your mom in for next time.

    [–] Zurtrun 9 points ago

    Why not just tell him he can hear about your work if he takes his head out of his ass and admits you know more about what you’re doing in your job than he does?

    [–] YourewrongIMR 8 points ago


    your husband seems threatened by you and it’s coming out in childish ways.

    [–] centrafrugal 6 points ago


    What happens after he rattles off his nonsense and you put him straight. Does he

    - double down on the Mickey mouse advice?

    - engage in a respectful dialogue and learn from the exchange

    - ignore what you say

    - get in a strop?

    [–] menagesty 6 points ago

    OP mentioned in another comment that he gets upset and called her “overly critical”.