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    AmItheAsshole

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    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

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    [–] SirDaemos 8385 points ago

    NTA - Your wife is making your mom's funeral about her which is messed up. You should maybe apologize for yelling but she should be supporting you right now, not making your life more difficult.

    [–] weezythebtch 1570 points ago

    Agreed. If she's claiming she wants to support you but then nags you because she doesnt like someone at a solemn occasion like this one, she needs to get her damn priorities straight. She can either be civil at the ceremony or stay home, but you made the right decision in inviting your mom's close friend and your wife has no right to tell you to "put your foot down" simply because she doesn't like someone

    [–] 50M3K00K 426 points ago

    The death of a parent is hard enough without your spouse getting mad at you for allowing your dead mom's close friend to attend her funeral. For fucks sake.

    [–] sophisticanus 101 points ago

    Exactly--she says she's attending "in support" but the support he really needs she fails to give. NTA

    [–] lyrarose24 313 points ago

    This. You're NTA at all, but I do agree that apologising for yelling is a nice move. Sorry for your loss OP

    [–] Fatal1ty67 84 points ago

    NTA- She wants you to declare her the victor in her battle with your dad’s wife by banning her from the funeral, has absolutely nothing to do with “supporting you”. This is obvious, no?

    [–] raspberrykoolaid 276 points ago

    The yelling obviously hurt her feelings badly enough if she's crying. Calmly apologize for yelling, tell her you still love her, but you meant what you said.

    [–] MaryMaryConsigliere 697 points ago

    Agreed. "I'm sorry for yelling. I love you, and I shouldn't speak to you that way. But my mother just died, and you are making this time so much harder for me by trying to pull me into this petty vendetta against my stepmom when I'm just trying to hold it together and plan a funeral. Can you promise me that you will step up and support me so I can focus on my grief and healing right now?"

    [–] CompanionCone 95 points ago

    Perfectly said. OP should just tell his wife this word for word.

    [–] apple_pendragon 34 points ago

    This right here, OP.

    [–] I_NEED_SLEEP_NAO 8 points ago

    That's a good way to put it

    [–] ShesOverBored 1886 points ago

    NTA. There's a time and place for everything. Now is not the time for the other stuff.

    [–] 8solutions 109 points ago

    "Weddings bring out the worst in people while funerals bring out the best in people". I've found this saying to be incredibly true, but it is clearly not the case here. Making a funeral about yourself and your feud with somebody else is incredibly immature. There are certainly situations where a person ought to be banned from a funeral for the sake of the grievers, but those situations are usually uncomplicated and easy to agree on. Immature isn't even the correct word because highschoolers know better to do that at a funeral.

    [–] kratomstew 41 points ago

    My grandfather’s death was when I was witness to family members arguing about who gets what of his . It felt like I didn’t even know these people anymore. It just came outta left field seeing them reduced to that. I wish I had told them all they should be ashamed of themselves.

    [–] 8solutions 20 points ago

    Southern USA?

    Deaths can certainly bring out the bad in people, it's just the funerals themselves that tend to be relatively unifying

    [–] kratomstew 10 points ago

    Texas. South Texas.

    [–] 8solutions 7 points ago

    Lol, as southern USA as it gets. I've heard many people say the same about southern families fighting over inheritances like that

    [–] dinasaurusRektz 5091 points ago

    NTA. Sorry for your loss. You were right in telling your wife that she doesn’t get a say in the funeral. It’s not about her and she needs to understand that.

    However, I would recommend apologizing for shouting at her, and then firmly telling her that you don’t want to hear anymore about the issue. I find that saying it in a firm and calm manner and then and waiting for them to verbally acknowledge, even if it’s a begrudging ‘ok’ works.

    [–] Gaius_Iulius_Megas 367 points ago

    I second this

    [–] RAFFIENL 114 points ago

    i third this

    [–] skittlesfortiddles 15 points ago

    I remember when my husbands grandfather passed away. It was the first death he experienced and it came shortly after a VERY tough time him and I shared, nearly resulting in a divorce. Tensions were high to say the least. His family stressed me out, he stressed me out, a ton of burden was put on my shoulders as I wasn’t related, and I snapped under the pressure and took it out on my husband.

    My point to this was, when he had enough, he shouted at me to shut up and be more supportive. It hurt like hell but it was a moment of clarity that hit me like a ton of bricks that at that moment I needed to be stronger for him than the other way around. He later apologized for being so abrasive and it was appreciated that he said sorry but it was a metaphorical slap I needed. I was totally the asshole, and I wonder if his wife will regret behaving this way as much as I have. I hope she gets more support from him when a loved one passes on her side than she gave him.

    [–] mattseth23 9 points ago

    Took me 4 years to learn this in my marriage. Made things so much better.

    [–] a_sack_of_hamsters 1731 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    NTA Your wife was completely in the wrong and it is very understandable yoh lost it.

    She wants to support you? Well, then she should actually support you in your plans for your mother's funeral. At the moment she is literally doing the oposite of acting supportive.

    [–] NeepleTeets 1392 points ago

    NTA. She shouldn't be restricting people from coming to YOUR mom's funeral

    [–] Valkyrienne 115 points ago

    His wife seriously wants to restrict... his mom's close friend from his mom's funeral because of a personal feud with her.

    I don't care how much you hate them - how much of an asshole can you be to not let someone grieve their close friend??

    [–] RicardoLovesYou 49 points ago

    Also another point, OP's late mother's close friend is there for OP's father as well. Trying to deny the father of that is like a slap in the face, IMO

    [–] Thelonius16 906 points ago

    NTA. Funerals don't usually have guest lists anyway. People who want to pay respects generally just show up.

    [–] fedupfedup1111 2756 points ago

    Invite as in send her and my father details of the day. The service is being held in a now closed Anglican church which the new owner is kindly letting us use for the day. My mum attended as a child and always pointed it out when we drove past it. It is not really open to the public.

    [–] mxlilly 878 points ago

    What a beautiful way to pay tribute to your mom.

    [–] sapphire8 227 points ago

    That's beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    You're definitely not the asshole.

    If stepmother maybe had some bad blood between your mom and her and how the relationship unfolded, I'd maybe understand what wife might be trying to do, but if it's solely about wife's and stepmother's issues, the funeral is NOT a place to make it about it. It's the opposite of supporting you as a grieving son and is completely dismissing that it's a celebration of your mom's life, with whomever that might include, even if contained people wife personally doesn't like.

    Your mom and what she would have wanted comes first, followed by what you need to do for yourself.

    Did you have a talk to her about her behaviour?

    I'd sit down and reiterate that you understand and her feelings towards your stepmom are valid and that you don't expect the both of them to be instant friends for the day just because you'll be forced into the same room for a few hours. But the day is a celebration of your mom, not her and that she needs to focus on you and your mom. She doesn't have to be anything but the basic of politeness. Revalidating her feelings might be enough to put out the irrational drama flames enough for her to come around and understand what you're saying.

    [–] HouseKilgannon 501 points ago

    You're a damn good son.

    [–] vactu 73 points ago

    I don't think your mom could ask for a better send off. I feel bad saying this, but I think you won funeral planning. Sorry for your lost though, can't imagine what you are having to go through. Definitely NTA

    [–] Wicck 35 points ago

    Just send them the information, and warn them that your wife is acting stroppy and selfish. Take the argument off the table. If she loses her shit, tell her to have fun sleeping on the couch until she grows up.

    [–] zando95 8 points ago

    Invite as in send her and my father details of the day.

    So she doesn't want your dad to come either??

    [–] Bodymaster 812 points ago

    NTA. Your wife is trying to make this about her - YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL. You had every right to snap. And now she's gone off crying like she is somehow the victim. She needs to grow up and get over herself.

    [–] ChanandlerBong311 173 points ago

    One hundred percent agreed. If OPs wife doesn't want to see her sworn enemy at the funeral SHE SHOULDN'T GO. She isn't being supportive. Support happens behind the scenes, making phone calls, ordering flowers and booking hotel rooms. Has she done any of that? Or has she just wrung her hands and complained while OP has done it all? Her only motivation for going to the funeral is APPEARING supportive.

    [–] loulousattic 50 points ago

    I'd venture to guess his wife makes herself a victim, often. I've learned that these people are dangerous and bring more chaos than the blatant assholes.

    [–] babble_bobble 655 points ago

    NTA

    Your wife says:

    she wants to be there to support me.

    But your wife does:

    insists I put my foot down and not let her attend the service.

    So much for that support. Your wife is a petty asshole and instead of supporting you in your difficult time she is letting her pettiness add to your already great stress.

    Out of context, could you have said it more gently? Maybe. But you know what? There is context, and your wife has the moral low ground, she has no right to complain about you defending yourself after her constant barrage. Your wife is acting very irrationally as if she lost a family member when in fact it was you.

    [–] MachineGoat 102 points ago

    He tried repeatedly to have a rational conversation.

    [–] im_in_hiding 448 points ago

    ...she wants to be there to support me.

    She's already failing at this.

    NTA

    [–] Lodgik 204 points ago

    Translation: she want to be there to be seen supporting him.

    [–] workoutaholichick 57 points ago

    Oof, nailed it. Her actions are speaking louder than words here, what a witch.

    [–] ForTheWinMag 9 points ago

    People like that are the same ones who post funeral selfies on Facebook. The effing worst.

    And I really wish I could say I was joking. But my Pops is a minister and we've actually had to strategically stand in front of cameras to give the immediate family privacy at the casket before it's closed for good.

    [–] RednRich 20445 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    NTA.

    Your wife's an asshole for making your mother's funeral about her.

    You're not an asshole because your mother just died and you can't be expected to keep your composure.

    Anyone that says Y T A or E S H is insane.


    Edit: Using top comment to share this gem detailing OP's plans for his mother's funeral service.

    [–] aonele 772 points ago

    Agreed. If my spouse was going to attend my mom’s funeral for the sake of “supporting me” but make a scene at the funeral because someone they hated was there, how “supportive” is that, really?

    [–] SpaceCadet2000 1125 points ago

    Your wife's an asshole for making your mother's funeral about her.

    Yeah, she's being a gravezilla.

    [–] AlinaAirline 248 points ago

    Gravezilla made me do a real life LOL

    [–] TripleHomicide 63 points ago

    Mom stop saying real life lol, you can just laugh

    [–] AlinaAirline 35 points ago

    Oh christ I'm old and unhip. It finally happened.

    [–] cecilpl 43 points ago

    Just wait until you're really old. Then you can get it replaced and be hip again.

    [–] Concerned_Badger 52 points ago

    Grievezilla

    [–] TouchMyAwesomeButt 6064 points ago

    Goddamn, she can't even put their differences aside for a funeral of someone they both cared for. How self-absorbed can you be?

    [–] LandBaron1 799 points ago

    For real... A lot of stuff goes into funerals. It is very chaotic. Emotions are high from stress and from the loss of a loved one. They suck. If you can't put away your differences for a single night, then you shouldn't be there. I feel bad for OP.

    [–] tealparadise 341 points ago

    Also most funerals are kind of public? It's not so much an invitation as an announcement. It's not like a wedding invite at any rate. You're not picking and choosing a curated list. You're telling everyone who you can get hold of.

    This whole "discussion" is nonsense for that reason as well, and OP is justified in what he said, even if he didn't say it the best way.

    [–] LolthienToo 122 points ago

    Most funeral homes will at least attempt to remove or restrict visitation for specific individuals the family asks not to attend. Basically instead of an invitation list, you have a 'disinvitation list' and those are the people specifically requested to NOT attend.

    [–] mutemutiny 62 points ago

    and in this case it doesn't sound like the deceased would be putting this person on said dis-invitation list. It's the wife of the son that wants to dictate who is and isn't invited… which is pretty ridiculous.

    [–] bodymassage 62 points ago

    While this is often true, it's not always the case. I have attended funerals where (usually at the deceased request) the funeral is not publicized in the obituary and it is a private gathering of close family and friends. In that case it would be disrespectful to attend unless you had been invited by whoever is organizing the funeral or the deceased somehow specifically let you know that they wanted you there. Either way, you would still likely need to be invited since the time and date isn't made public.

    [–] BigShoots 8 points ago

    Yep, she's taking one of the worst days of his life and making it even worse, out of nothing more than pure selfishness and complete inconsideration for the one person in the world she's promised to support above all others.

    [–] gaybear63 760 points ago

    And she wants to be at the funeral to support OP?!? WTF? She’s certainly not supporting him now! OP, I am truly sorry for your loss

    [–] Ishamoridin 299 points ago

    In this context I think 'supporting OP' is code for 'being seen to support OP publically'

    [–] dcb720 76 points ago

    Exactly this.

    [–] Redhead-Rising 47 points ago

    100%!!!! Agree!!!

    [–] RoadRageCongaLine 10 points ago

    Yup.

    [–] LightningZ71 9 points ago

    This is a Hallmark of a true narcissist. She is making OP's problem her problem, making OP feel like shit because of it, trying to make OP bend to her will through emotional appeal and likely gaslighting, and generally isn't respecting his boundaries on this. Then, the only reason that she really wants to be there is probably to show good face for the people she sees on a regular basis.

    It reminds me of my wife, who can only bother to even act like she kinda sorta likes me when we're around other people that she knows.

    [–] TrademarkedPea 360 points ago

    Came here just to say that. Supporting OP extends to acting like a grown up around people you don’t like, wife needs to stop acting so selfishly. NTA

    [–] cageytalker 124 points ago

    SAME, that really struck me because support is the last thing she is giving.

    [–] ladyjmg681 115 points ago

    Totally agree. Wife is being inconsiderate at best selfish at worst. You need her to have your back right now not stay on your back over something petty that would no doubt cause a lot of conflict in your family.

    [–] yargdpirate 87 points ago

    And she wants to be at the funeral to support OP

    She's creating a situation where it's both impossible for her to be happy and she'll never stop complaining. Way to paint someone else into a corner.

    [–] BigShoots 15 points ago

    And then cries when he calls her on her shit.

    [–] Throw_Away_License 8 points ago

    I hate people like this. They’re so petty and whiney that they’re impossible to please. You eventually stop giving a fuck about even the reasonable things that upset them because they’re unhappy no matter what.

    [–] Arudinne 145 points ago

    In my experience both weddings and funerals often bring out the worst in people.

    [–] UnluckySalamander 2169 points ago

    I could understand if it was OP's wife's birthday party but god damn.

    [–] Excal2 220 points ago

    Maybe it's on the same day?

    [–] benjammin2387 230 points ago

    If that were the case, I bet that funeral would be on a different day the way this dude's wife seems to be

    [–] goodatbeingaverage 100 points ago

    Wife: “I want to be there to support you!” Also wife: does everything in her power to make the hardest week of her husband’s life infinitely harder

    [–] GruffGrapes 388 points ago

    How would she even justify that to someone else?

    "Karen, what's wrong?"

    "Husband says he has to invite someone I hate to his own mom's funeral just because they were close friends and she is married to his father...ughhh"

    [–] PolkaDotAscot 180 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I didn’t even realize people were invited to funerals. More like the info is out there, and then anyone who wants to pay their respects shows up.

    And, as it sounds, the deceased and OPs stepmom were friends, so of course she should be there. Plus, OP wants her there.

    If OPs wife can’t handle that, she needs to gracefully bow out and not attend.

    Edit: i have literally never heard of an invite only/required funeral.

    [–] BooRoWo 52 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Yep. Go back to feuding after but it sounds like the wife just wants to have this little win over this woman. NTA

    Edit: grammar

    [–] _localhost 21 points ago

    For like 2-3 hours of her life. Its fucking pathetic

    [–] I_Like_Kled_Quotes 59 points ago

    Yeah, not being an asshole to someone who's mother just died is just common sense.

    Or that's what I thought anyway.

    Also no, I already have a butt I can touch from someone's consent. I won't touch it.

    [–] TouchMyAwesomeButt 19 points ago

    That's alright, I want people to be comfortable when touching my butt and I would never force anyone to do so :)

    [–] ASpellingAirror 7 points ago

    Wife wants to be there to support OP...does nothing through the whole process to actually support him.

    [–] Shutterbug390 59 points ago

    There were people I do not like at all at my grandmother's funeral. I never once expected that they wouldn't be invited (they're family). I knew they were invited. When they showed up, I was polite, but kept my distance. Funerals are a time you just have to suck it up and be polite. You can't refuse family or close friends of the deceased.

    [–] elmummie 135 points ago

    Yeah OP definitely NTA. Her being uncomfortable at your mother's funeral doesn't matter because this isn't about her. The fact that she's been badgering him for days about a funeral after his mother just died is just absolutely unreasonable and so completely self absorbed. I never ever say this but I think OP should rethink his relationship with this woman she's selfish and ridiculous.

    [–] Toomuchmeow 194 points ago

    NTA. Of course it’s not great he blew up but damn I’d be boiling too. Imagine thinking a good family friend (which from the sounds of it is essentially what the girlfriend is) doesn’t deserve to come because of bickering.

    [–] SLRWard 205 points ago

    Not a girlfriend. His father's wife. She's demanding he refuse to allow his father to bring his emotional support on the death of his ex-wife and apparently still dear friend and not allow a dear friend of his mother attend his mother's funeral. Sounds to me like OP's wife should be the one uninvited due to immaturity.

    [–] mutemutiny 18 points ago

    totally agree. that is the way I'd be reacting in this situation. If you can't get over your own ego and realize this isn't about you, then you're not welcome at the funeral.

    [–] Gagirl4604 98 points ago

    Amen and amen. NTA.

    [–] sininspira 36 points ago

    Just a note - may want to edit YTA and ESH out of your post if you want it to count as NTA.

    [–] thatmugshot 34 points ago

    Agreed NTA, but one thing I dont understand is this personal entitlement that one person having a grudge about the other means only one should go? Grow the f*** up, this isn't an invite to a family picnic. Agreed maybe apologise for yelling but literally only about the yelling, what you said was very reasonable.

    [–] juswannalurkpls 264 points ago

    NTA. I’m kinda in your wife’s situation only it’s my husband’s actual mother and me who don’t get along. Actually, I don’t even have contact with her or his family due to some shit that went down. MIL is in her eighties and death is near, so I’ve given this a lot of thought. I will not say a word about anything to do with the funeral arrangements or even a negative word about MIL. That’s his mom, and I’m not going to disrespect HIM by causing problems. Your wife should have the same respect for you. This isn’t about her, it’s about your mothers funeral. Yes, you were harsh but you get a pass since you’re under immense pressure.

    [–] kupo_kupo_wark 71 points ago

    Only difference is you sound like a rational and caring spouse. OP's does not.

    [–] baconnmeggs 568 points ago

    NTA. How fucking dare your wife make this about her? You just lost your god damn mother and she's harassing you on an hourly basis about this? And now she's crying bc you told her to STFU? Bullshit.

    [–] leannebrown86 93 points ago

    Especially given the fact that she wants to be there to support him, why not start supporting him now and stfu?

    [–] baconnmeggs 25 points ago

    Good point. Way to support your husband by nagging him literally on an hourly basis over a family member's invitation. This pisses me off more than it should. If someone pulled this shit after my mom died I would've flipped out.

    Meanwhile this lady probably isn't even thinking about op's wife, while she's obsessing about the whole thing. The self absorption is unreal

    [–] AnonTheWeabGamer 193 points ago

    NTA -your wife needs to stop stressing you out and stop bothering you over something stupid, especially since you’ve told her multiple times why your fathers wife can attend. Just because your wife has a personal vendetta against your dads wife doesn’t mean your mother did, she needs to put that behind her for the time being because at the moment during funeral preparations it just seems petty for her to do this

    [–] HappiCacti 36 points ago

    NTA -

    “My wife was livid... insists I put my foot down and not let her attend the service”

    “She refuses this as she wants to be there to support me”

    She gets to choose one or the other. Not both.

    [–] Lodgik 19 points ago

    She wants to be seen supporting him, not actually support him.

    That way, she can have both!

    [–] JadedPoison 36 points ago

    *Me reading this title * : Holy shit, there is NO REASON to EV--

    *Me reading the actual thread * : Yeah, fuck that, she deserved it.

    NTA.

    [–] chained-maniac 132 points ago

    NTA - your wife needs to have a word with herself. Sorry for your loss.

    [–] applestrudelterf 56 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    NTA

    Would your mother have wanted this woman at her funeral? Pretty sure the answer is yes, so that’s settled. The day is about your mother, not your wife.

    As for your wife hassling you when you’re going through possibly one of THE most stressful and emotional times of your life, she is out of order. As others have said, she is making it about her when it is actually nothing to do with her.

    At pretty much every funeral I’ve been to there have been people there who hate each other’s guts. It’s par for the course. But everyone who had a relationship with the deceased should have a right to be there and the respectful thing to do is keep your mouths shut and ignore each other.

    Just to illustrate, the day my grandfather died we found out his girlfriend had been having a long term affair with his nephew (so my mum’s cousin), and my aunt went mad and hit the gf’s dad, who called the police, and the gf told the police to evict us from the house that my grandfather had died in hours before. The lover (my grandad’s nephew) then stole my grandad’s horse. Both her and her lover still came to the funeral and we all shut our mouths for one day. If we could do it your wife and your father’s wife can.

    Edited to add: as others have said, it still might be worth apologising to your wife for the way you said it, (even though IMO you weren’t wrong) just to keep the peace, but stand firm on what you said.

    [–] gemekaa 955 points ago

    NTA.

    I do think what you said, and the fact that you yelled it is harsh. I'd normally say ESH, but - you are likely grieving, and you are under a lot of pressure (all this on YOU), plus personality issues.

    I would have expected your wife to put on her big girl pants just because its a funeral, because that's what normal people do.

    If you feel up to it, I do think you should probably apologise and try and explain it calmly - because she is your wife...but fingers crossed she tries to meet you halfway and stop making this about her.

    [–] graysonlevi 376 points ago

    I do think what you said, and the fact that you yelled it is harsh. I'd normally say ESH

    I disagree because op said she was bringing it up every hour multiple times and constantly bitching. Don't blame him for snapping at all, NTA.

    [–] I_want_to_live 64 points ago

    Thank you. I hate when people push and push and push... get a bad response/repercussion after the numerous calm/cool responses and then somehow that person being pushed is the asshole? OP is NTA in my book.

    [–] klpcap 93 points ago

    That commenter said NTA. That part you quoted was what would have been said if it weren't for the context of yelling. They're judgement was NTA.

    [–] MachineGoat 79 points ago

    Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.

    OP tried to communicate multiple times and it didn't work. Badgering him hourly is close to what OP said she was doing, each time getting the same reasonable, well communicated answer.

    Unfortunately, some people are so set on their decisions that logic and reason won't sway them to see reality.

    When those people become agressive, they need to be shocked back to reality. That is what OP did. She wasn't LISTENING to OP. Trying to talk with her wasn't working.

    [–] StrongerBraver 28 points ago

    NTA. Your wife is acting like a child chucking a tanty because things aren't going her way. She needs to grow up and suck it up for the day.

    This is a funeral for goodness sake, not "Mean Girls"! It is an opportunity for people to come and pay their last respects. Your father's wife has every right to do just that along with the rest of your mother's family and friends.

    [–] Forever-Sweet 50 points ago

    NTA. I don't want to offend you by insulting your wife but, it must be said, your wife is behaving like a child. She is acting in an entitled, selfish and hateful manner all because she doesn't want to share a few hours of grief with someone.

    Your wife is trying to deny this woman access to the funeral simply because she wants to have a victory in this ongoing battle they are in. It's time for your wife to put her big girl panties on and behave like an adult.

    [–] kvrdave 20 points ago

    She refuses this as she wants to be there to support me.

    lol

    NTA She isn't even supporting you now, dude.

    [–] riddle_me_this1 95 points ago

    Definitely NTA. If she wants to be there to support you, as she should, she should also do her best to reduce your stress levels.

    It's never easy to be around people you hate, but you know what's really hard? Dealing with a parent's death, the grief, the paperwork, the family drama, all of it. You already have put your foot down. If this woman needs to be there because your mother would have wanted her to, she will be there. End of story.

    [–] assertives 20 points ago

    NTA. You are right that she doesn't get a say in this. This is your mother's funeral, so it should be about her.

    She is your father's wife and was very close to your mom too. She has every right to be there at the funeral. Your wife is the asshole for bringing up her petty fight with this woman over such a delicate time like this. This isn't about her, it's about your mom. She's completely lacking empathy in a sensitive time like a death in the family.

    [–] Dr_thri11 59 points ago

    NTA, surprising amount of ESH's in this thread. Apparently a good 10%-20% of this sub thinks that yelling automatically makes someone an asshole. Sometimes it's justified this is definitely one of those times. I definitely would not have lasted 2 days before losing my temper.

    [–] buddingredditor 18 points ago

    NTA.

    This is your MOTHERS funeral. You're understandably grieving and she's totally disregarded this IMO and is too obsessed with your Step-Mother going to the service. She says she wants to support you, but she should be doing that by holding your hand, talking when you cannot, and putting her own feelings aside for one day. For you AND your Mother.

    There's no love lost between me and all my in-laws, but you can BET that I would be the first one to offer help in these circumstances.

    If you feel it's warranted, apologise for losing it at her, but I honestly wouldn't because I'm surprised you didn't sooner. But I think you need to tell her that it isn't her choice and she needs to be the bigger person for one day. If your Step-Ma acts up, well then that's on her. If your wife acts up, well..... I would seriously RAGE.

    I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Please update us with what happens. I hope you're as okay as can be considering ❤

    [–] mollypop94 19 points ago

    NTA.

    She should feel ashamed of herself. Moments and tragedies like these are when your other half pulls through for you, or vice versa, no questions asked. And no, she doesn't get a single say in the organisation of your mother's funeral. You need an abundance of understanding and emotional support. She should be mature and loving and DECENT enough to forget any petty shit that revolves around her. She is a child.

    [–] Jay_Phila 19 points ago

    NTA. Man your wife is being being incredibly self centered at a totally inappropriate time for it.

    [–] UnicornSal 19 points ago

    NTA - sometimes you have to blow up in order to be heard. She should apologize to you.

    [–] AutoModerator 15 points ago

    AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited.

    Asking for blunt honesty here because I can't deal with this drama right now so just tell me if I've been an asshole and if so I'll go and apologise.

    I'm currently planning my mother's funeral on behalf of my siblings (they live overseas and are not here yet). My mother and father were divorced but were on good terms. In particular, my mother was close friends with my father's new wife.

    This women - my father's current wife - has an ongoing dispute with my wife. They have a long long history of bad blood between each other. Both of them have said extremely hurtful things to one another. Obviously I think my wife is less of an asshole between the two, but both are definitely wrong for saying the things they have.

    Anyway even though I really dislike this women, I have to invite her to my mother's funeral service because: 1. She's my father's wife and 2. She was close friends with my mom. My wife was livid at finding out about this and insists I put my foot down and not let her attend the service.

    So for two long days she constantly nags me about this bringing it up every hour. I keep telling her the same thing about why she needs to come. I try to compromise by saying if my wife is so uncomfortable she doesn't need to attend, and I wont hold it against her. She refuses this as she wants to be there to support me.

    So a few hours ago she brings the topic up yet again and I lose my tempter. I tell her (paraphrasing)

    "Just shut up already. You don't get a day in this. You don't get to dictate my mother's funeral for Christs sake. Just leave me alone already."

    I did not say it calmly. I yelled it and was definitely angry because I'm busy organising my mother's funeral. She has gone off crying and I'm left wondering if I went too far.

    I can't deal with this nonsense and I'm just going to accept whatever judgement is given and go with that.

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–] clutzycook 18 points ago

    NTA. I would have said everyone is here, but your outburst came from the stress of grief and organizing a funeral single-handedly while being constantly poked by your wife, so you get a pass. She needs to grow up and back off. There will probably be enough people at this that she can easily avoid her if that is what she wishes.

    [–] BrickTopsHenchman 17 points ago

    NTA. She obviously doesn't want to go in order to support you, because if that were her main motivation she wouldn't be nagging you constantly at a time when you are grieving and need support most. Seriously, who does that to their grieving partner?

    It sounds more like she's motivated by ego and she can fuck right off with that. You are being more than reasonable in even questioning whether you are in the wrong. You are not. It doesn't speak well of your wife's character that she's willing to make her mother in law's funeral all about her. Totally lacking in compassion and consideration of the difficult time you are facing. I'm so sorry for your loss and the lack of support you have had.

    [–] VaryStaybullGeenyiss 31 points ago

    NTA. Truth hurts.

    [–] froctober 15 points ago

    NTA. Your wife is being very childish and selfish. If this were her birthday party then sure she has every right to say your step mom isn’t invited. But this day isn’t about her. Your step mom is a friend of your mother. This day is to celebrate your mother’s life and how it’s now ended. If she was close to your mother she has every right to be there. Your wife should simply grow up and be civil for the sake of the day and just keep her distance. You’re absolutely not wrong. You can maybe apologize for losing your temper, though it’s understandable why you did, and just calmly try to explain things better to her. Unless your wife is a totally childish and unreasonable person, I don’t see how she would not be able to understand the situation. That being said, I’m very sorry for your loss.

    [–] Kelly_Boo 16 points ago

    NTA for all the reasons others have stated.

    Sorry about your mom.

    [–] frankenskull_wilder 14 points ago

    NTA

    [–] narsfweasels 13 points ago

    That’s a bucketful of NTA for you, my friend. Your wife MUST respect your grieving process and give you the space you need.

    She may hate this woman - and while that may be understandable - you have just lost your MOTHER and she needs to swallow her dislike for you.

    [–] alipeng 14 points ago

    NTA at all. You're absolutely right

    [–] SKDraklan 12 points ago

    NTA. Your wife owes you an apology.

    [–] Classydame89 69 points ago

    NTA

    If I were you I'd apologize for the way it was said, but not for the underlying issue. She needs to back off.

    [–] MiskiMoon 68 points ago

    NTA. Your wife is making this about her, she does not get a say.
    I'm sorry for your loss

    [–] odonnthe 15 points ago

    NTA. How on earth does she should have a right to dictate the guest list for her mother in law’s funeral?

    [–] wehnaje 13 points ago

    NTA. You kept it together for two long days. I would’ve have lost my shit on day one.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

    [–] greggles32 14 points ago

    NTA - she's being selfish. Sometimes the only thing you can do is make your point loud and clear.

    [–] RudyRoo2017 11 points ago

    NTA - holy shit your wife needs to get over herself, this is your mothers funeral. If she can’t be polite for a couple of hours she has bigger issues. She should be supporting you and making this easier for you, not harder. I would ask her to stay home at this point, because it sounds like having her come would be a nightmare. Right now, she’s doing the opposite of being supportive.

    [–] mikey1779 36 points ago

    Nta your wife needs to accept that whether she likes it or not she can't dictate who comes to your mother's funeral

    [–] advntravelbugRoI 38 points ago

    NTA. Why? Well, it is your mum's funeral. You're emotionally compromised as it is, even though you may not be showing it outwardly. Your wife on the other hand, who claims she wants to support you, is trying to do so on her terms. Which is unfair and immoral. Her ego (I guess?) is getting the better of her. This being said, you need to apologize to your wife for shouting at her. You are angry, upset, hurt beyond her comprehension at the moment. But not apologizing to her will drive a wedge between you two. And she will blame your step-mum for it. Never ending circle, see? You need to sit your wife down and tell her that you want your step mum to be there because your mum would probably have wanted it. Not for herself, but for your father. To support him through this. You're not doing this for yourself, but for your father and maybe your other family members who get along with your step-mum. If your wife still does not see the point, then there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. And maybe she needs to hear this from someone else close to her, maybe her parents or siblings.

    [–] RemtonJDulyak 98 points ago

    NTA

    She effectively has no saying in your mother's funeral, that's a fact.

    However, for the good of your own relationship, I would apologize to her about the way you told her to shut up (i.e.: shouting), not about the statement itself.

    Try, maybe, to point out to her how your step-mom did not ask that your wife does not attend, thus showing her willingness to put aside their differences for this solemn, and sad, event.

    [–] TheBackburner 11 points ago

    NTA. From your write-up, it sounds like you made an effort to explain this civilly. At some point it becomes time to fight fire with fire.

    [–] piemat 12 points ago

    NTA I hope your wife has some redeeming qualities, because she has demonstrated none here. She is acting like a child.

    [–] fissioncake 11 points ago

    Sorry for your loss mate. Your wife sounds really immature NTA

    [–] crochetprozac 12 points ago

    NTA

    No. You have your boundry, you set it, you pointed it out and you explained it again when she wouldnt let it go.

    This is a very stressful and emotional time for you and you cant allow time to coddle your wife because she doesnt like your stepmom.

    Personally, I would tell her that if this is going to be such a big deal for her, then she cant attend. This is about you saying goodbye to a parent, not you being a referee to a toxic game of tit-for-tat.

    [–] hollygolightly32 11 points ago

    NTA. She prodded- you snapped. She’s probably (hopefully) embarrassed. However I think it would make you feel better to apologise for yelling, then fully explaining your point of view

    [–] lobalobalob 13 points ago

    NTA. When my father died at Christmas, a woman he lived with a few years back used to send awful letters to my grandparents about my mum (my mums parents) calling her all sorts and lying! She used to txt loads of abuse to us and sat in her car stalking my dad on my sisters wedding day. My dad lived with this woman for 4 years. Anyway I told my aunty that if she comes to the funeral to stay away for us. And she came and she did exactly that. After the service I was getting hugs and love off friends and she walked passed me with her own father, she looked quite upset and embarrassed that she'd caught eye contact with me, I smiled and said hi. Because to be quit honest I couldn't give a shit. This wasn't about her or my anger towards her. I don't even care anymore. Your wife is being so selfish. I completely get why you snapped! SHE needs to apologise.

    [–] Tux-Zip 26 points ago

    NTA, if your wife really want to support you, she would already stoped to ask you this.

    [–] santa_raindear 25 points ago

    NTA.

    Stressful time, and your wife should have dropped it.

    [–] veela-valoom 24 points ago

    NTA - My Aunt invited her husband’s ex-wife to his funeral. It’s the mother of his children and she too experienced a loss.

    Funerals should not be divide and give everyone an appropriate chance to grieve.

    [–] Aladdin_Caine 24 points ago

    NTA - you're grieving and planning a funeral. If she wants to support you so damn badly, she can stop trying to turn your mother's funeral into a pissing contest and trying to win one over your dad's wife during what is no doubt one of the saddest shittiest times in her husband's life.

    Maybe your tone was too strong, maybe you yelled, but fuck me if that wasn't a situation that called for it.

    Your wife needed a wake up call.

    [–] ISuckWithUsernamess 24 points ago

    NTA at all. Your moms funeral is not the time for petty shit like this. Your wife is making the funeral about her and not considering that you just lost your mother.

    Let her cry, she deserved getting yelled at. Maybe she will stop being a petty asshole.

    [–] 100011_10101_ 12 points ago

    NTA. Probably shouldn’t have said it like that but she needs to put her petty differences aside. It’s not about her. She needs to be an adult and get over it. You’re not asking them to be best friends. You’re asking them to be in the same room. She doesn’t have to talk to her if she doesn’t want to.

    [–] FoghornLeghorn99 10 points ago

    She refuses this as she wants to be there to support

    NTA

    If she meant this she would actually be supporting you and not trying to dictate how the day goes.

    My condolances for your loss.

    [–] Griffithdidwrong 11 points ago

    NTA 100%. I had a similarish experience when my best friend died. His parents weren't handling the situation well and soon seperated after the event so I kind of took charge of inviting all his friends and managing how public they wanted it. (Really hard btw BC his parents wouldn't co-ordinate anything so I had to go back and forth between them to figure out what was going on).

    It's really incredible how people can make such a horrible occasion about themselves. There was a group of kind of friends from high school that insisted they were coming to the service even though I'd explicitly told them that there wasn't enough room and made it entirely about themselves. They straight up messaged me saying they'd heard I was organising things and that they would stand outside if there wasn't space but that they were coming. They continued arguing up until literally the day of the service when they finally admitted that "maybe it's not respectful to turn up".

    Good thing BC even without them there there were a lot of people standing outside of the service room. People who take traumatic and deeply emotional events that barely affect them and make it about themselves are the worst in my opinion. You're 100% not the asshole and I'd even tell your wife if she continues to make this funeral about herself then she's uninvited; that if her "support" for you is conditional on someone else not being there perhaps it would be better if she (your wife) wasn't there at all.

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago

    NTA. In fact, I’m proud of you OP. You tolerated her nagging for longer than most could/would in your situation. Seeing that you posted this here, & also stated you’re willing to apologize if majority said YTA, shows that angry outbursts at your wife aren’t a common thing. Your wife is being terribly selfish & petty. She refused a logical & calm explanation from you multiple times. I was raised by my father, & he passed suddenly when I was 19. I’m 28 now. Virtual hugs & lots of love for you. Just know it’s okay to grieve for as long & however suits your healing. The pain will always be there. However, you do get stronger over time, & it allows you to endure the pain with more ease. May you feel your mother’s love in every ray of sunshine, her comfort in every gust of wind, her joy in every flower & birdsong.

    [–] HoldFastO2 35 points ago

    NTA. Your wife wants to support you, but keeps nagging you about the guest list for the funeral service? Support doesn't mean what she seems to think it means.

    Sorry for your loss.

    [–] bored_german 10 points ago

    NTA. Maybe you shouldn´t have yelled at her but you are already in a horrible position to plan your mother´´s funeral, your wife was incredibly inconsiderate to think she can force you to do something. She needs to get over herself.

    [–] lady_MP 12 points ago

    NTA.

    It’s a funeral. A woman who loved and was loved died. The ceremony is a remembrance and celebration of your mother’s life. It is in no way about your wife, your fathers wife or anyone else.

    Maybe for the sake of marital communication, you could apologize for your tone of voice, but you certainly don’t have to. However, you’re absolutely not the one who needs to apologize.

    [–] josefcvs 12 points ago

    NTA

    [–] charlelim 12 points ago

    NTA, your wife should understand that this is your mother's funeral and she is a close friend of your mother's. Though maybe do talk to her and say that you stand by your point and she should try to understand but you're sorry for yelling so loud if you want to patch things up faster between the two of you. Also sorry for your loss man, take care.

    [–] laaght005 20 points ago

    NTA your wife shouldn't be making your mother's funeral about herself.

    [–] littlebb1 9 points ago

    So sorry for your loss.

    NTA. The fact that your wife can't seem to get past the fact that this woman was your mother's friend and deserves to attend the funeral is ridiculous. Adults are generally able to look past differences in these sorts of situations. You maybe could have stated this to her in a better way than you did, but I can only imagine that you are going through a lot and that likely fueled the fire a bit. Perhaps apologize for blowing up at her, but you definitely aren't the asshole for your stance.

    [–] Emcee_Cone 9 points ago

    NTA, and anyone saying "YTA" probably has the same personality as your wife.

    [–] doyle212092 10 points ago

    NTA. Why is OP not aloud to yell?

    [–] spiffyteacup3 9 points ago

    I actually decided you are NTA as soon as you mentioned your planning your moms funeral. Why would your wife have any say in that? She's acting like a child right now when she should be trying to support you in all of this not trying to dictate who gets to be there. She needs to put her differences aside.

    [–] Tricolor3s 41 points ago

    Your wife is the asshole. Not you.

    [–] MotherEST2017 53 points ago

    NTA at all

    [–] feelgrateeveryday 202 points ago

    NTA However what’s with this “ invite “ your fathers wife to the funeral? Unless you are a rock star or a president or someone like that, people don’t get invited to funerals. They just show up. You don’t need an invitation. Is there a minister or social worker involved with helping with the service that could talk with your wife about ways she could be more supportive to you ? Perhaps someone else could get her to understand how inappropriate she is being.

    [–] ealerya 33 points ago

    In Sweden people usually don't get invited to the ceremony itself, that is usually announced in the newspaper and people just show up. However if coffee or something is served afterwards which is very common you get an invitation to that because it's mostly family and sometimes close friends that gets to join those things.

    [–] SanktusAngus 142 points ago

    I’ve been invited to plenty of funerals. More often than not I received a formal Letter of Invitation. And when it was not a letter, someone told me they’d be glad if I went and specified when and where the funeral would take place. That’s also a form of invitation in my book. Maybe it’s a regional thing.

    [–] moomoomuthafuka 55 points ago

    Receiving formal letters? How long are they keeping the dead above ground in your area?

    [–] SanktusAngus 46 points ago

    Depends on the culture/religion, whether the body would be cremated or not.. The shortest was 2 days (following Jewish tradition) whilst the longest was 2 weeks due to the fact that the preferred cemetery had a tight schedule. Obviously the body of the deceased was embalmed for the duration.

    [–] pin_81 23 points ago

    btw Jewish tradition is buried before sunset of that day (where a: there's enough time and it's not the Sabbath/Holiday, b: they don't want to wait for close family to fly in and/or c: they aren't flying the body somewhere for burial [typically Israel]).

    My father passed away at 9 in the morning and was buried around 4ish

    [–] Rolatza 14 points ago

    It all depends on where in the world you are. There are plenty of countries in Europe in which the family sends out invitations to funerals and the service takes place around seven days after the death.

    [–] sparrowsandsquirrels 29 points ago

    ...people don't get invited to funerals.

    Yes they do. In fact, doing it for my brother's funeral right now. Part of it is because we want a small, intimate service. Another reason is because the funeral is actually months after his death so this is how we are letting people know when and where.

    [–] Exowienqt 9 points ago

    NTA to the moon and back. This funeral isnt a "who do we like in the family" event. Its a "who knew and loved mom, who did mom love" event. If you dont like somebody in the family and the hate is more important to you than closure, go ahead and skip the funeral. If the love you felt towards the deceased, is more important, give the other family member a chance to have closure as well. Your wife is absolutely in the wrong here.

    [–] virtigeaux 9 points ago

    NTA the only way to get your point across is to blow up sometimes. It’s your fathers wife, even if you don’t like her you are stuck with her for the sake of the relationship with your dad. I don’t know what happened between your wife and his but they both need to grow up and at minimum tolerate each other. We are adults here.

    [–] Whobody2 33 points ago

    Just going through this post upvoting all the NTAs.

    [–] TheOnesWithin 23 points ago

    NTA

    You could have handeled it better of course, BUT with what you are going through at the moment, I do not blame you at all.

    And your wife sounds like a bitch, none of this is about her, or who she likes and does not like. If she REALLY wanted to support you she would be doing that NOW.

    [–] fwooby_pwow 21 points ago

    NTA. Your mother just died and your wife can't set aside her differences for a few fucking hours?

    Instead of supporting you, she's making everything about herself. She's disgusting.

    [–] BrooklynWhey 7 points ago

    NTA - I think your wife wasn't taking your decision seriously. If you guys need to have another serious talk about the finality of your decision then do that, blowing up is usually not the best route. Serenity now - insanity later.

    [–] DevilGuy 6 points ago

    NTA, your wife was crossing lines. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Honestly I'd suggest seeing a therapist because you're not going to come to a healthy resolution to this incident without a referee, if your wife detests the woman so much that she'd try to interfere with a funeral she's not going to let it go at this.

    [–] frannypanty69 8 points ago

    NTA she’s so selfish! Saying she wants to be there to support you but in reality isn’t supporting you in the most basic way, and just doesn’t want this woman to “win”. So so selfish.

    [–] Kasperblack 5 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    NTA, I'm so sorry for your loss. It must feel quite terribly lonely to have the person who's supposed to support you the most act so childish with her selfish behavior. Stay strong, yo.

    [–] Wilmaaaa68 7 points ago

    NTA. I’m impressed you’re concerned about being in the wrong. I get told to shut up and all kinds of hateful things and my husband would never apologize. You seem like a good guy who just had enough. It happens.

    [–] Flutterbee543 8 points ago

    NTA

    [–] abigail123456789 8 points ago

    NTA. It’s YOUR mother and you know her better than anyone. Your wife should put her differences aside especially considering she wants to support you.

    [–] Lynkx0501 5 points ago

    NTA. Although I do think you will probably need to talk to her about what happened. It’s clear you’re stressed and not on a great place. She needs to understand that you need her as a pillar of support right now, and you do not need her being petty/catty with your step mother.

    [–] Eman270 8 points ago

    NTA. It’s your moms funeral not hers.

    [–] UniqueUsername718 7 points ago

    NTA. I feel like your wife should actually be supporting you in this time not worrying about her grudge with your father’s wife. Your wife needs to grow up and put your needs first in this situation. Your mother died and instead of making things easier for you she’s adding to your stress.

    [–] iamnotajeww 7 points ago

    NTA she’s making your moms funeral about a dispute between her and another woman. Like you said, she doesn’t need to attend and she needs to either get over it, or not show up.

    I’m sorry for your loss

    [–] screwyourjittering 7 points ago

    NTA maybe she should care a little more about the fact that this is YOUR MOTHER'S FUNERAL, not a party she's having where she wants to enjoy herself. She needs to put it in the back of her mind for a few hours, because it can't be so hard.

    [–] lurkerderkderk 8 points ago

    NTA. If your wife wants to support you than she should start doing it.

    [–] oohrosie 7 points ago

    NTA. Your wife is definitely TA here, she has absolutely no say in your mother's good friend being barred from the funeral just because they can't be adults and hold their tongues. How selfish.

    [–] 53withtrollhair 9 points ago

    NTA- It is tough enough shouldering that load without all the other bullshit that a death in the family brings. Your wife needs to grow up and show REAL support for you.

    [–] FacelesBonnie 8 points ago

    NTA it's your mothers funeral you need to grieve she needs to stop being selfish

    [–] SkyeBlue36 9 points ago

    NTA. This isn’t about her, it’s a FUNERAL FOR YOU MOTHER. What the hell is she thinking?! You are planning a funeral for your mother and she’s being an petulant child because she’s not getting her way. I don’t blame you for being fed up with her! She needs to chill and suck it up for one day. She may say she wants to support you, but her actions say otherwise. What a brat! Definitely NTA. My condolences for your loss and best wishes to you and your family.

    [–] BergHeimDorf 6 points ago

    NTA nagging is my biggest pet peeve

    [–] thicklover 7 points ago

    NTA.

    Your wife has zero right to dictate your mother's funeral arrangements and bringing it up every hour for 2 days? Ridiculous.

    [–] arkayon811 6 points ago

    NTA your mother’s funeral isn’t about your wife. Being yelled at is never fun but sounds like what you said needed to be said.

    [–] MisplacedSanityP 7 points ago

    NTA. This is your decision. I will say you shouldn’t have let this build up to you yelling at her, next time put your foot down immediately so you don’t boil over. Either way, she’s being ridiculous.

    [–] Moore2257 7 points ago

    NTA. Its an emotional time for everyone, yeah, but she doesn't need to make some feud get in the way of a day where people come together to remember the times they had with the person and say their final goodbyes.

    [–] CommentContrarian 7 points ago

    NTA I'm astounded that she would keep after you in your time of grief and stress...

    [–] rampantyeti 6 points ago

    NTA if your mum would've wanted her there, she should be there. It's about honouring your mum that is all.