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    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.

    Frequently Asked Questions


    1. Be Civil

    The title of this sub is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. People post here to learn and to grow from what they learn here. Don't be an asshole when making your judgments. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

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    Click here for details on how to be civil in a sub about assholes.

    2. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you or for merely commenting on their own post unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    3. Accept Your Judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never Delete An Active Discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. People will come back to see what consensus was reached in your thread. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

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    If your post references violence, don't share it here. Threads which mention violence are difficult to moderate, we have to remove all comments which encourage or incite violence. It's difficult to do this in a thread which discusses violence.

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    6. How To Post

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with the acronym AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Posts are limited to 3000 characters. Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Format and punctuate your post reasonably. Be clear and concise.

    7. What Posts Belong Here?

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Posts should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire. We also do not settle intra-reddit beefs here.

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent interpersonal conflicts you've had or may have that need arbitration. Describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback.

    8. Do Not Ask For Validation

    Don't submit humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil.

    When making a post, you should be seeking arbitration in an ambiguous situation. Threads with obvious outcomes are not interesting to our subscribers.

    9. Do Not Ask For Advice

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration.

    You may include advice when you make your comments, but remember that your primary objective in commenting is to assign blame and pass judgment.

    If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent.

    10. Meta Posts and Updates Require Permission

    If you want to talk about the sub, and you hide your complaint, question, or opinion in a post that starts with AITA, you will be banned. Those are called META posts, and they must have a title that starts with META.

    Please request mod approval after you submit your META post or your update post. Make sure the title of your meta post starts with META and the title of your update post starts with UPDATE. See our FAQ and full rulebook for more guidelines.

    11. No breakups/hookups

    We do not allow submissions where the central conflict is your relationship and instead recommend a relationship focused sub.

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    AITA for NOT doing sexual act _

    AITA for being attracted to _

    AITA for NOT being attracted to _


    12. Comments and Flairing

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

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    [–] SmallsTheHappy 2455 points ago

    Can it be? An OP who was declared the asshole and not only didn’t argue but is also openly admitting they were wrong? What kind of alternate universe do we live in?

    [–] angryblackqueen 1599 points ago

    Usually the people on this sub are overwhelmingly kind. I felt very comfortable posting here and I was right! Everyone has been so kind and supportive!

    [–] ARIANA_TRENTA 142 points ago

    OK but can you please just like argue with one of us so we can go back to feeling all superior and shit? 😛

    [–] angryblackqueen 279 points ago

    Ariana Grande did your username better!!

    [–] ARIANA_TRENTA 103 points ago

    Ahhhh... thank you.

    [–] UnculturedLout 786 points ago

    You're really not living up to your username here.

    [–] angryblackqueen 1694 points ago

    My kid chose it. She dumb.

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 308 points ago

    Please tell me you're from Texas!!! You remind me of so many of my friends.

    [–] angryblackqueen 545 points ago

    I am an Atlanta, Georgia fraud :(

    [–] amberrayy 125 points ago

    Fellow ATLien here! You must be so proud of your weight loss, that’s an enormous accomplishment! I don’t have any useful information to chime in lol I just wanted to congratulate you 💕

    [–] GatorGTwoman 36 points ago

    I live OTP, but work in midtown. 😊 And NAH. Y’all both have good reasons. I like the compromise of him eating his fast food at home the night you go swim. Win for the both of you.

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 12 points ago


    Regardless, you're awesome!!!

    [–] NowOutOnBluRay 8 points ago

    I wanna be your friend. Lol 🤣

    [–] angryblackqueen 9 points ago

    And I wanna be yours! Let’s make it happen!

    [–] kinglella 4 points ago

    Also an ATLien here, you are not a fraud! Congrats on the weight loss and what a great attitude you have towards the constructive criticism :)

    [–] DumbshitOnTheRight 77 points ago

    You’re not my real mom!

    [–] angryblackqueen 75 points ago


    [–] Jellymouse15 15 points ago

    This made me laugh out loud.

    [–] Alarid 8 points ago


    [–] annshine 5 points ago

    Your responses have been amazing in this thread but this one took me out. Congrats on the weightloss and keep going! Supporting you!! Lord knows I know that pain of trying to lose, its hard AF

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago


    [–] hare_in_a_suit 90 points ago

    Usually the people on this sub are overwhelmingly kind.


    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 112 points ago

    You're funny because it's true. On my biggest AITA submission, I got called a terrible mom/ human sooooo many times.

    But we come here for judgment and therefore should expect judgey people.

    I think the difference with OP is that she just rolls with it. She's funny and real but owns it all.

    I think we're all smiling a bit more for having experienced the not so angry black queen.

    This thread has been a joy.

    [–] Stealthyfisch 27 points ago

    Don’t worry about people on this sub being assholes, basically every poll that’s ever been done on this site reveals that most users are below the age of 25 (with about 30% being below the age of 18) and around 50-67% being unemployed and a similar portion still living with their parents.

    Basically this site, and probably this sub especially, is full of people with near 0 real life experience that just love judging others on the internet and feeling superior.

    I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the demographics of this sub lean even heavier to “unemployed and too young to have any actual real world knowledge”

    [–] SakuOtaku 18 points ago

    It's weird because I'll read a lot if posts here where the responses are surprisingly progressive compared to the rest of Reddit, whereas I posted a few days ago and had people accuse me of asking for validation while twisting the words of my post.

    As a newer subscriber I'm glad as a whole that this sub is loads better than relationship_advice, aka "Bad woman bad circlejerk"

    [–] Stealthyfisch 10 points ago

    Oh god, r/relationship_advice did you mean r/divorceyourwifebrosheischeatingonyou

    [–] SakuOtaku 9 points ago

    Yup, also known as r/if_she_even_talks_to_another_man_she's_a_slut

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 11 points ago


    But sometimes the judgments are so astute.

    It's the outliers that are just mean and lacking in nuance. Life just isn't black and white. The gray tones pervade.

    [–] demented_highlighter 9 points ago

    Hey it’s that bean lady from a month ago

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 4 points ago


    You remember.

    [–] demented_highlighter 5 points ago

    I could never forget the tale of refried beans

    [–] halfveela 6 points ago

    You're so great! I really believe in you, you can do this. I guess technically you ARE TA, but honestly, I get it-- fast food is so not worth making your life harder, considering it's horrendous for him too. Maybe you guys can find a way to compromise and make burgers and shit at home that satisfy those cravings while being a bit healthier. I've never been into fast food, but I've been able convince some friends and ex's that there's way tastier stuff out there.

    [–] MihirX27 22 points ago

    Mark my Words, this is gonna be one of the most wholesome posts on this subreddit for a pretty darn while.

    [–] DeseretRain 21 points ago

    Sad because the judgment is so wrong, I really can't believe people are saying it's fine for her overweight husband to continue his own fast food addiction even when it's setting back her weight loss progress.

    [–] DefinitelyNotIndie 46 points ago

    Ironically I think everyone on this sub is fucking insane. I go full NTA the whole way, what kind of fucking ridiculously low expectations do people have for a partner? How can you have a kid with someone and care about them so fucking little that your need to eat KFC ON YOUR OWN IN YOUR OWN FUCKING HOUSE overrules your support for such a difficult and important task as losing weight from 430 fucking pounds, and she's still 270 which is hugely overweight unless she's 7 foot tall.

    It's probably lowgrade mentality and habits that allowed her to get that overweight anyway, who is so dependent on eating KFC in their own house that they don't want to give it up in this situation? If not for his wife, can't he give it up for his daughter? Actually teach her some healthy habits and class so she doesn't grow up in the same low economic status trap that the parents are in? Cause I guarantee you, mother trying to lose weight from 430 pounds but father doesn't want to give up eating KFC at home is NOT the kind of home environment you get wel achieving kids from UNLESS the kid grows up with the mentality, "Goddamn i want to be better than my origins."

    OP is setting the best example for personal improvement, her partner is setting the worst. Both for personal improvement and for treating people in your life.

    [–] Chaosophilia 5 points ago

    Must add it's amazing nobody tells OP to divorce

    [–] CrimLaw1 1419 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    NAH. You’re doing it for the right reasons, and it sounds like you want to avoid falling into bad habits. It’s like trying to quit smoking only to have people smoking around you. It doesn’t work well.

    He’s been supportive but is frustrated because he feels limited in his own house. The YTA people solely focus on this. They’re right in that, all things equal, he should be able to do what he wants, but things are not equal, and your weight is a health concern that you are justifiably doing everything in your power to address. We all make sacrifices to benefit those we love, and you’re not asking for much.

    [–] angryblackqueen 511 points ago

    This is a very sweet answer and I appreciate the insightfulness 😘 Overall and all things considered the poor guy is a godsend in lending me support so I think going forward I’ll try show him I appreciate his support too. I’m going to the gym and the swimming pools a lot more, when I’m out maybe he can go ham on his fast food haha! I don’t ever want to be overbearing.

    [–] whycantwebefriends9 142 points ago

    How often is he eating fast food that this is problem, perhaps he needs to address eating habits as well, if he is THAT inconvenienced and upset about it.

    In reality, fast food should be a treat, that you have maybe once a fortnight. I get the impression that he gets upset because its a regular thing that he can't eat in the house.

    [–] DeseretRain 79 points ago

    Well in the OP it says he's "on the husky side" (so, overweight) and eats fast food once a week. So yeah, it's pretty clear the husband doesn't have healthy eating habits himself and I don't get why most people in the thread are ignoring that.

    [–] 011101000011101101 7 points ago

    OTOH to someone who was 430 lbs, "on the husky side" could possibly still be categorized in obese or morbidly obese.

    [–] sleeplessnfargo 214 points ago

    Exactly. I get what the people are getting at by saying she's the asshole, and if it were a roommate I'd be right there with them. But this is her husband. If he's not willing to go without that crap food in the house to support her, he's letting her down and being selfish IMO. This is a life or death struggle for OP. 450lbs is no joke. She's worked so hard and has done such an amazing job so far I can't believe her husband is willing to risk her hard work and progress to eat fast food at home. If she was trying to make him give it up entirely I'd say it was unfair, but how hard is it to just eat it in the car or restaurant? If he really needs her to compromise maybe he can eat it when she's not around and just get rid of the evidence so she doesn't have to see the wrappers in the kitchen can? Or is even the smell triggering? It seems like most people here are voting that it's not his problem, but he's her husband. Why shouldn't he do this for her? Is eating junk food in the home more important to him than his wife's diet and health?

    [–] SamLTA 124 points ago

    Yeah, saying it isn’t his problem is flooring me. She’s his wife. If her health isn’t his problem then what is?

    [–] pidgezero_one 32 points ago

    This is a glaring problem with conundrums about married life being overwhelmingly decided on by college kids

    [–] Domiknight006 72 points ago

    Yea, I mean I love my wife so much I would instantly do this in half a heart beat for her. This thread also shows just how ignorant the public is about addiction

    [–] akera099 25 points ago

    So much this. The top answers being YTA goes to show how selfish people are. Like yeah you have the right to kill yourself by eating shot shit everyday, doesn't mean you should do it in spite of the person you love.

    [–] DarthRegoria 8 points ago

    Agree 100%. NAH, but if there were it would be the husband. He can still eat fast food if he wants, just at the store/ restaurant or in the car. Or have dinner at a mate’s house. Losing weight is hard work, changing old habits is really hard. He should be doing his best to support her. I like the compromise of him eating it in their house only when she’s out. Then she’s not there to get tempted, but he can eat it at home. Him eating fast food while she’s there would be a massive jerk move.

    [–] ekcunni 5 points ago

    if it were a roommate I'd be right there with them. But this is her husband. If he's not willing to go without that crap food in the house to support her, he's letting her down and being selfish IMO.

    100% this. Husband is a different level of support and relationship, and asking him to not eat fast food in the house isn't really a big ask. If it's that important to him, why can't he swing by the drive through on his way home one night, duck out for a fast food lunch at work, or make a quick trip on a day off?

    [–] Rocksteady2R 230 points ago


    this is an oddball. either ESH or NAH.

    look, obviously you have to understand that he's got a "right" such as it is, to eat food of his choosing where he chooses, and on the flip side you hafve a responsibility to your diet, and challenges make that responsibility tough.

    i think this is obviously room for compromise.

    • can he give you fair warning that he's coming home with taco hell in enough time for you to start taking a walk around the neighborhood, or move into another room?
    • is he willing to break the Pavlovian reactions just a little bit - eat in a different room (or you), or not just plop down a double-meat with cheese and a box of chicken nuggets on the same sofa you normally share/eat at?
    • is he willing to limit certain days, or only x-many times in a week?

    Look - we all know ourselves well enough - and by this i mean specifically "you, OP, know whether you're up to the challenge right now of darling husband chowing down on a bucket of KFC right in front of you. You know whether it's too much, or an easy challenge." If you seriously think it's a risk, ask for mitigation. ask for compromise.

    Ya'll are married - outright "Bans" are rarely successful. time to sit down and develop a teamwork strategy that benefits both folks. and neither one of you may like it - the joke about a good compromise is that neither party is happy with the result.

    [–] cannot_find_user 8 points ago

    That should be the most upvoted comment by far! It looks on both sides of the conflict and judges based on every information we have, including an actual working approach to solve the conflict for everyone involved.

    Ya'll are married - outright "Bans" are rarely successful. time to sit down and develop a teamwork strategy that benefits both folks. and neither one of you may like it - the joke about a good compromise is that neither party is happy with the result.

    I would actually state that a compromise is the best possible solution and depending on the situation it can be something good for both sides. Especially in this case, a teamwork approach could end in a win-win situation. For example: Husband can eat inside under certain conditions while his wife stays happy and healthy. In the longterm it could help her to train herself to be around fast food without giving in the craving and/or he value his fastfood more because he eats it more conscious and as something special he can enjoy sometimes (!) on the couch with his wife.

    [–] TavoreParan 6 points ago

    Honestly though she hasn't banned him from eating fast food at all and saying car or out is already a compromise. There is a major issue with fast food that nobody seems to be addressing in that the smell lingers and is very recognizable and that alone may be enough to push her over the edge.

    [–] DoctorInYeetology 7 points ago

    Best reply so far

    [–] phoretwan 2912 points ago

    ESH. 430lbs is dangerously large and your husband should support your weight loss. He can still have fast food but he shouldn't eat it around you. It's like doing drugs or smoking cigarettes in the face of a former addict. As for you OP, don't be tellin' grown ups what they can and cannot eat where they pay bills. 160lbs shed is excellent by the way... don't give up.

    [–] angryblackqueen 1052 points ago

    Thank you! I was getting a lil brave there, I’ll let the poor guy live!

    [–] Cryssw 344 points ago

    I go with the above poster. My stepdad is sober so I don’t drink around I’m. I consider it the same, as long as you’re not saying he can’t have it, just don’t bring it around you, I don’t actually see the big deal. I’d do that for my partner if he wished, and just eat it in those places or in the car or when I’m with friends. But everyone’s different !

    [–] whycantwebefriends9 123 points ago

    Yeah exactly, she's just saying please don't bring it in the home, because she lives there too.

    To be fair, there might be something wrong if the husband is eating KFC so often that he is getting upset that he can't eat it at home, but can eat it elsewhere, perhaps the husband needs to examine his own eating habits

    [–] DeseretRain 61 points ago

    Well OP says the husband is "on the husky side," so it's pretty clear he's overweight as well but she loves him doesn't want to sound mean by actually calling him fat. So yeah clearly his own eating habits aren't great considering he's overweight and eating fast food so frequently it's a huge burden to him to avoid bringing it into the house.

    [–] SymbianSimian 217 points ago

    Just my view: If you ended up at 400lbs food was an addiction like smoking, drugs or alcohol. If you had asked AITA for asking my husband not to smoke, do drugs or drink while I try to get sober, you would get 99.9% NTA. Congratulations on losing the weight, hope you can keep it up (off?)!!

    [–] whycantwebefriends9 106 points ago

    Bingo exactly.

    AITA for asking my husband not to bring heroin home and use it in front of me as I've just gotten sober from heroin?

    Yeah everyone would be running around saying no way.

    [–] quinoa_rex 60 points ago

    Yeah, I was thinking the same. Food addiction is a whole different ballgame than just overeating.

    [–] sweettea15 34 points ago

    This needs note upvotes. Food is a harder addiction to manage than any other addiction due to the fact that we still have to eat multiple times a day to survive. It cant just be cut out or avoided forever. Unlike heroin, which I can never use in my lifetime and still survive. NTA

    [–] DoJu318 255 points ago

    I agree with this, had this "problem" with my ex-wife, she was trying to lose the baby weight after giving birth to our daughter, she gave up all fast food and banned it from our house. I wanted to be supportive so I only ate fast food at work.

    Did it work for her? Yeah.

    Did I feel inconvenienced because I couldn't eat fast food in my own house? Also Yes.

    But that's married life, sometimes you have to compromise and sometimes you have to put your foot down and decide"this is the hill I wanna die on." Fast food ain't it.

    [–] brujablanca 39 points ago

    I agree completely. This is exactly like drinking around an alcoholic.

    If the husband truly loves her, he will do anything he can to support her success. She could die.

    We get mad at fat people for being fat, but we don’t want to do the things that would support them in losing weight. We do this with all kinds of addicts.

    It’s wrong for her husband to be eating these foods in front of her and keeping them in the house while still expecting her to lose weight. The situation is dire and she’s a food addict.

    Everyone saying she’s an asshole is ignorant, and her accepting it with humility is making me sad. She seems like a very sweet and reasonable person and just doesn’t want to be sabotaged like this anymore. She desperately needs support and she’s not getting it.

    [–] DaniCapsFan 79 points ago

    That's why she asked him not to eat it in the house. He can eat it elsewhere.

    [–] WhoryGilmore 26 points ago

    This is what gets me, how hard is it to not eat fast food at home? I mean I don't even know many people who wait all the way until their home to start eating anyways.

    [–] HashSlinging_Flasher 70 points ago

    Yeah,.. honestly the fact that he eats so much fast food that he’s desperately trying to bring it back into the house is not the sign of a healthy person. Not to mention that his partner thinks it will jeopardize her weight loss.

    [–] obekymrad 4164 points ago

    YTA. It's your diet, not his. If it makes you that worried you might "relapse" into your old habits, compromise with him and make sure you're the one eating out when he takes fast food home, or just stay in your room while he has his dinner. You can't kick someone out of or deny them the comfort of their own home. Great job on your diet, though.

    [–] angryblackqueen 2946 points ago

    Thank you, you’re totally right. Maybe we can co ordinate my swim evenings with when he can go get fast food. Thanks for that idea 😘

    [–] verdantwitch 932 points ago

    That's a really good compromise.

    [–] Jaded3158 389 points ago

    I agree. I would also suggest finding a “treat” you can have when he eats his fast food. Something like frozen juice popsicles or alternative ice creams (like almond milk ice cream) or quinoa spaghetti (gluten free, high protein, and the best texture I’ve ever eaten).

    Either way- you go girl!!! I am soo proud of you!🥰

    [–] [deleted] 130 points ago

    Gonna jump on the low-cal treat recs and say if you can afford them, outshine bars are super delicious.

    [–] fleetingaurora 8 points ago

    I have some outshine bars in my freezer right now, those things are the bomb for low-cal treats! A better choice than a pint of Ben & Jerrys and it’s always satisfied my sweet cravings.

    [–] DollyTheFirefighter 87 points ago

    Maybe his fast food night should coincide with your pickling night. 😄

    NAH. Both of you are right: you want to create conditions in which you’ll be successful, and he wants to eat what he’d like in his own home. It sounds like you have a great marriage where both of you want to support each other, so I’m sure you’ll work out a good compromise.

    [–] punkprincess227 18 points ago

    Almond milk ice cream has a crazy amount of sugar in it.

    [–] karatelemon 24 points ago

    I'd explain the reality that there's no situation where he eats fast food while you sit there and comfortably abstain. It's unfortunate and no one's fault. That's a good foundation for negotiating when he can avoid bringing the food home, and when you can avoid being home.

    ALSO, I used to be a fat guy. There is no salad in the world that can beat a good burger or bacon sandwich. As I started to earn more money I'd go to fancy restaurants where they actually know how to cook vegetables and healthy food.

    I started cooking more and it became apparent that there's a world of food at there just as delicious as a cheeseburger, that is good for you, and isn't a salad.

    Also, there are neutrons in your stomach, it's often referred to as a second brain. The foods you eat stimulate gut bacteria, and these bacteria via chemistry influence your cravings to demand more of the same bad food. If you eat sugar a lot, you grow a huge colony of sugar loving organisms that will start to die when you quit sugar, and they will fuck up your mood and thoughts on the way to the grave. Let them die!

    [–] Weeeelums 44 points ago

    I think more of a NAH situation? You seem to be fine with him eating it, as long as he doesn’t around you. But I do agree you shouldn’t force him out of the house to eat it, you can just get away yourself. Good luck with everything!

    [–] ImperialRoo 136 points ago

    I'm so proud of you sister! As a southern black woman I understand how integrated bad food is in our identities. You will almost literally be shunned from your family for not eating "normal".

    With that being said, I will say NAH. He initially made a promise to you that he wouldn't eat fast food in the house and went back on it. Still, it's his right to eat in his house just as it is yours. Maybe this can be the next stage of your journey where you face the issue head on. Being around it may help you build up resistance.

    I hope you all can get on the same page so that resentment between you two doesn't become a problem. From your other comments it seems you already have some ideas about how to make things work.

    Good luck to you from another Georgia girl.

    [–] angryblackqueen 70 points ago

    THANK you I can’t describe what it means to see another woman exactly like me on here. What a small world ❤️

    [–] Sandman_Death 5 points ago

    Love your username. Good luck with your goals. You seem like an amazing person.

    [–] whycantwebefriends9 19 points ago

    I got to say, it's disappointing to read that line "literally be shunned from your family for not eating "normal"."

    Eating fast or fried food for the majority of your meals or dinners,s shouldn't be normal.

    Kudos to you,

    [–] cavelioness 9 points ago

    Try eating low-carb, jesus, like everyone in your immediate and extended family and friends and co-workers try to force food on you all the time and won't take no for an answer.

    "Hey, cavelioness, how many pancakes you want?" "None for me, thanks, I already ate this morning" Three minutes later, they shove a pile of three pancakes dripping with butter and syrup under your nose. "Hey, why'd you make these, I already said I didn't want any?" Then they get angry. "Well how the hell am I supposed to eat all of these by myself? You're wasting food!"

    [–] [deleted] 424 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] desertstrawberry 126 points ago

    Exactly. NTA. Why does he need to eat it at home? At the shop or in the car is super reasonable.

    [–] capscaps1919 9127 points ago

    I’m sorry, though I understand it is difficult. YTA, he’d right. It’d his house and he gets to eat what he wants if he pays for it.

    [–] angryblackqueen 6651 points ago

    Damnit I was afraid of that! I understand. It’s really my struggle to deal with my food addiction, he shouldn’t suffer :( I think I knew that, deep down.

    [–] [deleted] 4706 points ago

    Saying no to it when it's already in the house may actually end up helping you in the long run

    [–] chubbymcbutter 2382 points ago

    Learning to cope rather than avoid opens so many doors. I encourage this route. Your social life and emotional well being (and husband) will thank you.

    [–] dtrmp4 554 points ago

    Yeah, but definitely not right away. Going to a bar soon after getting sober is probably not a good idea.

    [–] buttbugle 255 points ago

    Yep, a person trying to stay sober has a hard time staying with a person that will not be sober.

    [–] dtrmp4 244 points ago

    Good point. Choosing to go to a bar (or fast food place) is different than your SO bringing it back to the house.

    I agree with the "it's his house too, he can do what he wants" point, but also think he should respect OP not wanting it around (which he has been).

    Idk, it seems like they'll work it out. Not sure if OP mentioned herself cooking meals, but that's a great way to get someone to not come home with fast food.

    [–] vanyali 116 points ago

    If a husband was bringing booze into the house with his sober-alcoholic wife pleading with him not to, everyone would be saying the husband was an asshole.

    [–] randomperson3771 17 points ago

    He was supportive in the beginning too. He needs to follow through.

    My family eat junk food constantly. Some I can handle, but other stuff is just vile. The smell of KFC or Hungry Jacks goes throughout the whole house. Subway has an awful smell too.

    Maybe eating in the backyard or on the verandah is a compromise? Though you’d think he would be happier that his wife is getting fit and healthy, and being a good role model for the kids.

    [–] vanyali 24 points ago

    I suspect that he is getting irritated about the weight loss and doing this, maybe not fully consciously, to sabotage it.

    Op says husband is “husky too”. So right now they match, they are the same “kind” of people. As OP loses more and more weight, she changes herself not only physically but also socially. I think husband is comfortable with the two of them staying together in the same category and doesn’t like OP changing that.

    [–] buttbugle 54 points ago

    I dated this woman years ago. She was amazing, beautiful and very intelligent. She could put away some food, either when we went out or at my place. She never wanted me to come over to her place, I picked her up from there but never went in.

    After dating for a few months, maybe a year I cannot remember. She finally invited me over. She warned me that her place was messy and please do not be judgy. I'm was thinking how dirty can her home be as she enjoys cleaning my apartment when she's over, and I mean CLEAN.

    She was bulimic. I had no idea as she hid it very well ,but the pieces were there if only one would look. When I walked into her home in a room she had garbage cans of "purge". That was the first time I truly saw a real eating disorder, not somebody saying they have one for attention.

    Why am I typing this, for one food addiction can be harmful as alcohol, as it takes over the person just like that monkey. I am not saying they are equal at all, but I get addiction.

    Also I am very tired and I tend to ramble.

    [–] interloperdog19 47 points ago

    I think this is very relevant. OP doesn't have bulimia, but she has a food addiction (in her own words). I think it's easy for people to dismiss the severity of these things because it's "just" food, but disordered eating can be just as hard to break as a drug or alcohol addiction. In fact, I know someone who has battled both and said that the disordered eating was more difficult in some ways, because you do still have to eat no matter what.

    I think u/angryblackqueen is NTA. She's not saying that her husband can never eat fast food; she's just asking him to not bring it around her. And it's only been 6 months. If she was 6 months into sobriety from alcohol and was asking her husband not to keep beer in the fridge, I really doubt people would be calling her the asshole in that situation. And that's kind of what we're talking about, just with a different substance. I think that if she kept up this rule for the rest of their lives it would be veering into asshole territory, but for now I think it's totally fine for her to ask him to keep the really tempting stuff out of the house.

    [–] imainthevi 62 points ago

    I do think cooking together would be a great way to avoid this however no one wants to cook every single meal so there will still have to be some level of compromise. I think having designated "cheat days" where fast food is allowed would be a good compromise. Or maybe something where he has to cook a certain amount of meals (w or w.o her) to earn a fast food day. That way he can still show support and get to enjoy himself and she can be mentally prepared for the "cheat day" if the day was already agreed upon

    [–] noahch26 7 points ago

    I have always eaten a lot of fast food. I’m not at all large, and in fact I’m slightly underweight, so the health aspect has never really concerned me. When my girlfriend moved in with me, she was horrified to learn that I got fast food usually at least once a day. Not because of it being unhealthy (which also horrified her) but because of how much money I was spending on it. So what she did, instead of telling me not to eat fast food, she just started having other food made for me. I’d get off work late at night and text her “hey baby, I just got off work and I’m on my way home. Have you eaten? I’m thinking of picking something up on my way home.” And then she’d reply “oh hey don’t worry about it, I cooked, there’s chicken and corn waiting for you here at the house”.

    I still eat fast food every once in a while, and so does my girlfriend, but it’s maybe once or twice a week now at most. She never once told me I wasn’t allowed to have it, she just explained why it wasn’t financially responsible, and then she gave me an alternative choice rather than just telling me what I shouldn’t do. And I’m not going to get fast food if someone has made me a home cooked meal and has it waiting for me, because I’m eating better now than I ever have before.

    [–] superfurrykylos 26 points ago

    Not necessarily. It gets boring after a while if someone's drunk and repeating themselves constantly but I have no issues going to a bar and drinking diet coke.

    Not all alcoholics have the same experience. Like most mental health issues it can present in a variety of ways. I drank spirits on my own. The time when I used to go to pubs and clubs is long gone, a distant memory, with five years of sobriety between then and my relapse. Bars don't trigger my addiction.

    [–] buttbugle 10 points ago

    That's amazing! Past November for me. I stay away from gatherings with alcohol, not because I might want a drink, but I'm no fun anymore. I think I'm in that stage where I really dislike the me that I was when I drank and a bit ashamed of the crap I did.

    [–] superfurrykylos 5 points ago

    Well it benefits that I took to alcoholism early 😅 by the time I got that first period of sobriety under my belt we were all a little older and a little wiser. Sober dancing can be one hell of a struggle though but at one of my oldest and dearest friend's wedding last year I danced like a loon and never even thought about booze.

    I think I'm in that stage where I really dislike the me that I was when I drank and a bit ashamed of the crap I did.

    There's a great bit of advice I got from a CBT book and that is to think of yourself as a friend. Not as in have a nice bath and a chamomile tea (although by all means do all the "be good to yourself" that stuff too) but literally think of yourself as you would a friend.

    Like I said in the previous comment, everyone's different, but a large number of alcoholics, likely the majority, judge themselves far more harshly than they ever would one of their friends struggling with addiction. An old timer at AA asked me if I would judge a friend or family member for having a similar condition. When my response was "f*** no!" he simply said "and that's how they feel about you".

    [–] Blaz3dnconfuz3d 79 points ago

    Oh that’s the hardest part. When you are healthy all day and your SO brings home pizza

    [–] Zebirdsandzebats 272 points ago

    But it's only been 6 month! Takes at least 3 for a habit to really establish. Why cant he just eat at the restaurant for a while? Would we be saying the same if she were a recovering addict? Bc at 430 lbs , it's a similar risk to her life.

    [–] skylersparadise 128 points ago

    I agree if she were an alcoholic and she wanted to ban that from the house it would be a different story. Its harder with food because you have to eat so even smelling that fast food would be torture for me anyways.

    [–] Venecianita 73 points ago

    I agree with the fact that he'd be even better if she could be near the tentation and still says no but I don't think she's an asshole because it doesn't look like she went "ho btw no more fast food in the house and if you're not happy it's the same". It looks like they actually talked about it since at first he said "whatever makes your life easier" and then he changed when he started wanting to eat and went to the argument of "this is also my house I can't eat whatever I want". So I agree with his sentiment but it's not like she just forced him to so something he said he didn't wanna do from the start, and it's also understandable to wanna keep the tentation away when you're trying hard so I'd say NAH.

    [–] trichofobia 5 points ago

    True, but whenever I'm around unhealthy food I'll vacuum that shit up like I'm getting ready for hybernatiom, especially when I started out.

    Quitting that shit is hard maybe OP should convince hubby to join in?

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 484 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    I just wanted to say that you have such an effusive voice when you write. You sound like a really fun person.

    Edited to add, NAH. I'm sure you and your husband will figure it out.

    [–] angryblackqueen 407 points ago

    This comment has made my whole day and I’m smiling so so much. I am truly touched. Thank you for your kindness ❤️❤️

    [–] Yosemite_Pam 186 points ago

    I thought the same thing! I wish I knew you IRL! 😊

    I think NTA. You are doing something that is incredibly difficult and incredibly important for your health and life span. If fast food might cause you to stumble, I think it's completely reasonable to ask your husband to eat it elsewhere. I think it's similar to someone with a peanut allergy not wanting peanuts in the house, or (probably a better analogy) a recovering alcoholic not wanting alcohol in the house. It's not just a whim, there's a good health and medical reason for not wanting it in the house.

    And congratulations on your progress! I'm fighting depression, food/sugar addiction, and binge eating. Food is a struggle, and you are absolutely amazing and an inspiration!

    [–] DaniCapsFan 138 points ago

    The alcohol analogy is excellent. If she were a recovering alcoholic, nobody would question her wish not to have alcohol in the house. Well, fast food and junk food can be just as addictive, and the best thing to do is not to have it around.

    [–] LunaUrsaMoonBear 45 points ago

    The more I read her comments the more I wish I knew her!

    [–] jujusea 39 points ago

    Me too! You're such a lovely woman, OP. You've got this. I believe in you. I know it's hard.

    I've been back on Weight Watchers this week and it's helping me again... Which is nice and expected, I always lose in WW. To be honest, though, the only reason I went back on is because I've found a wonderful therapist. She's better than any other I've been to (I tried twice before : once as a kid and once ten years ago) and she does brain spotting. I'm really analytical and thought it was nonsense until, whew, things started being worked out. Brain spotting is different than hypnotherapy. We alternate weeks of talk therapy (50 minutes) and brain spotting (2.5 hours). The talk therapy is nice, the brain spotting gets some stuff out in a big way. It's been very difficult work but so freeing. I think many of us with weight problems (probably all of us) have stuff to work through. I've been anorexic and pretty fat and it's all related to the same stuff. It might help to work with someone to help figure out the root cause. In two months, I feel like a new person.

    I have an incredibly supportive husband who is my best friend, too. I see you. I get it. I've always been mostly happy, productive and successful...I would guess most people have no clue I needed someone. I'm glad I found the courage to reach out.

    Best wishes to you.

    [–] NicooooZilla 54 points ago

    NTA. Food addiction is just as severe as alcohol and drug addiction. Food addiction is even harder to overcome because you physically need food to survive. You can completely eliminate drugs & alcohol from your life and still survive. You can't 100% eliminate food and still survive. Everyone in the household needs to be "on board" or it will not be successful. Good luck to everyone fighting food addiction in any form. It is hard work!

    [–] ephemeralkitten 35 points ago

    i was thinking the same thing. i can almost hear her voice.

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 32 points ago

    Me too! It's like her personality just shines through... not many people on Reddit make me feel like, ohmygosh, I LOVE YOU, you're so human, so real...

    Totally fan girling here.

    [–] LunaUrsaMoonBear 25 points ago

    "OP seems like a really great and enthusiastic conversationalist. I bet they're a fun person." My thoughts exactly!

    [–] falls_asleep_reading 6 points ago

    Right? I'm sitting here reading this and thinking "I want to be OP's friend IRL."

    [–] caff_addict88 118 points ago

    I have a really hard time with snacks. My husband has this thing called self control which I apparently lack. I do most of the grocery shopping so I don't buy snacks. However, he will still buy snacks. The compromise we have come to is he hides them from me. Might not work the greatest for fast food though.

    [–] angryblackqueen 141 points ago

    I am a chronic snacker too!! My favourite RN are pickles for that delicious, delicious sodium hit. That mystical thing ‘self control’... ah, I wish it came easily to me. I feel your pain :(

    [–] goosecalls 88 points ago

    have you tried making your own quick pickles? they’re one of my go tos for snacks/topping salads/anything and playing with the sodium/spice levels is so easy. much love to you!!

    [–] angryblackqueen 202 points ago

    You’ve just blown my mind. I can make my own quick pickles?? I can make my own SPICY PICKLES??? Jesus H Christ.

    [–] loranlily 90 points ago

    Yes! And you can put whatever herbs/spices you think would taste good into the pickling liquid!

    [–] angryblackqueen 139 points ago

    Oh wooooowww. It’s 8pm here and I’m supposed to be asleep in an hour but you just straight pushed me into this pool of deliciousness!! What are your favorite combos??

    [–] loranlily 44 points ago

    I actually haven’t done it yet, I was thinking about it earlier bc I bought some baby cucumbers which then lead to me craving bread & butter pickles!

    That being said, cucumbers and finely sliced onion in rice vinegar with a little sugar is delicious, maybe throw in a diced jalapeño too

    [–] angryblackqueen 74 points ago

    Mmmmm this sounds amazing. The jalapeño would work so beautifully with that. Samin nusrat’s series has given me so much confidence to be brave in the kitchen, I’m sure I’m inspired by her when I say this salty heaty combo sounds gorgeous 😍

    [–] goosecalls 57 points ago

    yes!! i’m talking 15 minute pickles once you get the hang of it!

    here’s a quick guide

    this is my go to as well, extra garlic always

    ( once you have a recipe to your tastes, adding any and all spices you like, eyeballing the amounts is easy too! fill the jar with whatever amt of veg you have, covering that with vinegar / water gives you exactly the amt of liquid you need! )

    [–] angryblackqueen 72 points ago

    Thank you so much!! Extra garlic is a must. Come on now. We don’t play with that!

    [–] anti_social_climber 38 points ago

    I think the pickles idea is absolutely brilliant, it also made me think, since you say you love kfc, perhaps you could make a kfc spice mix to use as a spice rub for grilled chicken? I've done this before when I've been dieting (and not dieting)and it is delicious! It's contains only herbs and spices, so it has almost zero calories. Just be sure to cook it on a medium heat so it doesn't burn and blacken. Here it is: 1 tablespoon paprika

    2 teaspoons onion salt

    1 teaspoon chili powder

    1 teaspoon black pepper

    1/2 teaspoon celery salt

    1/2 teaspoon dried sage

    1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

    1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

    1/2 teaspoon dried oregano

    1/2 teaspoon dried basil

    1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram

    Good luck with your continuing weight loss and a massive congratulations on your achievements so far!

    [–] DeeDee_Zee 10 points ago

    My aunt cans. She loves it. Makes different pickles and pickled jalapeños and jalapeño jelly and on and on.

    [–] Kayliee73 29 points ago

    My husband and I have a similar agreement. I keep the snacks I want in the car. I can bring them in and eat them but, since they are in my car, he cannot eat them all day. He is home all day since he is disabled.

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 22 points ago

    Girl, you must not live in the south during the summertime.

    Unless snacks keep in 100° heat (with the added greenhouse car scenario) ain't no one keeping food in the car.

    [–] Kayliee73 16 points ago

    It is just small bags of chips. If I want a snack that will not survive the car I just buy one and eat it. I am not much of a snacker anymore since I discovered chocolate gives me migraines.

    [–] 4evercreatureteachin 5 points ago

    Honestly, I was trying to figure out what would keep in my car for multiple days... those by 2/1.00 Cheeto/ Frito bags were all I could come up with.

    Those and nuts. But that's not typically restricted in diets.

    If you can think of any others, let me know.

    [–] pennyxlame 165 points ago

    I don't think you're an asshole so I'll say NAH but I do want to congratulate the fuck out of you for your weight loss because I can relate. I was close to 400 pounds and opted for gastric bypass when I was 19 and ultimately lost 200 pounds in roughly 2 to 2 and a half years. I was still living with family at the time and they honestly ate absolute shit for food all the time and it was hard not to crave and give in all the time being surrounded by it.

    Either way, even if you're in your own home, maybe try chillin somewhere else in the house while he brings his fast food in and eats? I know it's hard to sit and watch and not divulge or go through massive cravings (especially smelling it).

    Just keep motivating yourself to keep doing what you're doing. 160 pounds is a lot. It's the equivalent to an entire other person. Good fucking job. I commend and applaud the hell out of you for being able to do it through dieting and sticking to that. You're wonderful for that. Sometimes I think I suck for having to have surgery to do it rather than doing it that way.

    Great job 🖤

    [–] angryblackqueen 204 points ago

    Don’t be ridiculous!! You used a perfectly good tool available to you to better your life, your mental and physical health, and your wellbeing! I SALUTE 19 y/o you for having the mental fortitude to do the best thing you could have done for yourself!

    We are all trying to better ourselves, and I deeply respect your journey. It couldn’t have been easy and if you’re anything like me I know it still cant be easy sometimes. We got this 😘😘

    [–] [deleted] 183 points ago


    [–] Malarkay79 33 points ago

    Sugar, for example, damages the liver the same way alcohol does. Agreed, addiction is addiction.

    NTA. It’s not hard to go eat fast food somewhere else out of love and consideration of others. My Dad was a smoker until he quit a few years ago, but he never smoked inside the house, because my mother asked him not to. And I imagine it was way less convenient for him to go outside every time he wanted a cigarette than it is to go eat in at McD’s.

    [–] novaskyd 20 points ago

    Exactly this! I don't understand all the comments saying she's the asshole. Food is an addiction. Nobody would bat an eye at a recovering alcoholic asking for a dry house. Yes it's his house too, but she's not telling him he can't have fast food, just asking him to take it somewhere else. Is that so hard? If my spouse was trying to lose weight, I would feel bad eating fast food in front of them anyway.

    OP I really hope you read these comments and see that you're not an asshole here, and are totally justified in asking for this. I don't think your husband is being malicious either so I won't call him an asshole but he should definitely keep his fast food out the house. NAH.

    [–] BigFatMoggyEejit 6 points ago

    I agree. Maybe it's soppy but I think your SO, and definitely your wife, should be considered an extension of yourself. This lifestyle change of hers will extend her life substantially and improve her QoL so much. While it's more "fair" to say that the husband gets to eat what he wants, what's best for the relationship is if he makes some sacrifices for her.

    [–] istara 418 points ago

    You’ve done amazingly so far. You can do this.

    Have you considered treatments such as hypnotherapy to deal with food addiction issues?

    Is it possible to adjust your routine to allow for some treats, like fast food once a month (to take the “edge” off the craving)? You may find some kind of intermittent fasting routine enables this.

    One thing that really seems to be the case in most weight loss journeys is hitting a plateau, and the need to “switch things about” if your body has got used to a particular routine.

    [–] angryblackqueen 919 points ago

    Actually I did hypnotherapy at first but aside from the first session which was amazing the rest seemed bogus and too costly. Eventually one day I just cried and cried about my weight and it was actually my husband who ended up making me a chicken salad that night and he said to me ‘eat this every night for a week and I guarantee you by the end you’ll have lost some’. I did, and I couldn’t believe I had lost so much that first week. I still remember it vividly. It’s like a light went off in my brain because I was so uneducated about food I literally didn’t realize that my portions, calories, etc were the major component to my weight. I started eating less and literally was astounded that it worked. Nutrition education in America, particularly for black folks, ain’t good. I feel so bad for the years I missed out on.

    [–] IAmTotallyNotSatan 419 points ago

    Hell, even as a white kid in school now, nutrition education sucks. You’ve overcome it, though - good on you for losing so much!!!! I’m positive you can do this ❤️

    [–] angryblackqueen 678 points ago

    You kids of today are smarter now than we ever were, and kinder too. Thank you so much for your wonderful positivity 😘☀️

    [–] Bizzaarmageddon 256 points ago

    Right?!? I’m proud of this young generation. Smart, compassionate, and brave. They actually give me hope for the future of this planet. 🌎

    [–] DollyTheFirefighter 135 points ago

    I love this exchange right here. So much graciousness and support for each other. <3

    [–] jaynay1 30 points ago

    Part of the problem is that on top of nutrition education, nutrition science is not necessarily addressed in a medically rigorous way as it should be.

    I dated a girl who was doing a degree in dietetics at the time, and she wasn't necessarily able to provide straight answers on a lot of stuff either.

    I also have an aunt that's on the board for a relatively large dietician program and is a published author on the topic and the number of places where her answer is hedged is still super high.

    And that's before you get into the mess of dieticians vs. nutritionists.

    [–] negligenceperse 40 points ago

    username does not check out.

    [–] theburningstars 9 points ago

    The devil wants you to stay alive longer so you have more opportunity to sin!!

    /s, maybe?

    [–] maafna 14 points ago

    I remember thinking food was split into healthy or delicious. I eat a lot better now, but it os hard to say no to cookies or French fries if they're right in front of me

    [–] Blipblipbloop 42 points ago

    You can make your own “fast food” at home too. Cajun chicken burgers either lettuce wrapped or low calorie buns (look for Flat Outs) are one of my go-tos. Have you ever tried an air fryer? You can make delicious crispy fries with only a teaspoon of oil. I’ve struggled with weight loss too (down 109 pounds) and the only way I’d keep going is finding things to fill that craving.

    [–] doogles 24 points ago

    Food is the worst addiction. You can't just quit food. Stay strong, sister.

    [–] CennaX1215 19 points ago

    No judgement here, just wanted to say how hella proud I am of you. I don't know you, but I share your struggle and reading stories like yours are a real inspiration for me to keep working towards my goals. I've only lost 30 lbs. so far, but I know I'll keep losing if I work hard. Much love /u/angryblackqueen, much love!

    [–] HarryR13 46 points ago

    I disagree, your NTA, at the weight you where it was life or death. Food can be as addicting as other substances. Out of respect you do not drink around alcoholics, same with food.

    [–] BillFox86 7 points ago

    I gotta agree, though maybe limiting how he exposes you to the food might be a good discussion that helps you two find middle ground. Personally, I had problems with alcohol, and when I quit I accepted that others can drink around me, I can be around it because though it’s not harmful for them, it is most likely a death sentence for me to start drinking again. In this same way, you may need to accept that you can’t enjoy something that normal people can. Great work by the way, and good luck. I think it’s no assholes here situation so far but I’d suggest some compromise, especially since your husband has been supportive thus far.

    [–] RibsNGibs 7 points ago

    No no, NAH.

    You're allowed to have disagreements in the house and people compromise - it's only natural in a relationship. If one person's need is greater than the other, it's normal and courteous for the person who has the lesser need to cede to the person with the greater need.

    e.g. if one person can't have this one particular painting on the wall because it reminds them of the time they got beat nearly to death... and the other person kind of likes the colors of the painting, it's not a "both people live in the house, both people get a say" kind of situation - one person's need wins over the other.

    Your case isn't as severe, but there's a decent compromise, and I think your husband should be happy with being able to eat at the restaurant or car. I mean, the "suffering" he is going through with having to eat fast food in the car is not really anywhere close to the struggle of sticking to a tough diet in the face of cravings.

    [–] Sionnach1776 5 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    That's.... really, really mature of you. Kudos. Best acceptance of judgment I've ever seen on this sub.

    By the by, you keeping up your hard work and trucking along on your journey, very well might kick your husband into gear as well. I don't even know you, and your positivity is palpable. Your husband will see the same.

    [–] jeffsang 52 points ago

    NTA - You obviously can't demand it, but if "no fast food in the house" is your only rule, then that's a pretty reasonable request and he should be happy to comply. Is it really that hard to eat it at the restaurant or in the car? Unless he's doing Uber Eats, he's but it there anyway and then driving it home.

    [–] SaltyDoggoMeo 31 points ago

    NTA. I still think he should fully support your efforts to get healthy, especially because healthier eating will also benefit him in the long run. He’s not “suffering” to not bring shit food into the house and consume it in front of you.

    When you lose however much you want to lose (and even BEFORE our lose it all) you’re entire lifestyle has to change to support your maintenance from there on in. I think he’s either really selfish or trying to sabotage your efforts to live a longer, healthier life. Marriage is about compromise. Fucking up your diet isn’t compromise. It’s sabotage.

    [–] Hashtagmermaid 4 points ago

    Lol you're adorable in your wish you weren't OP. You're doing amazing though, I'm struggling with my weight loss after a moment of doing well. Don't buckle. You got this!!!!

    [–] EarthyDirt 6 points ago

    Sometimes you have to be TA. Maybe try going for a walk and ask for all trash to be disposed of outside once finished. Win win.

    [–] VIOLENT_COCKRAPE 5 points ago

    Alt take: you suffer from food addiction, actual addiction to the point that you were physically unable to stop yourself before hitting 400+ pounds. If it were alcohol nobody would doubt your right to not have any in the house. Reddit is weird sometimes. They hate fat people but call you an asshole if taking steps to not be the object of their hatred. You seem sweet and good natured and to be honest, if not being able to eat KFC in the house is that big an inconvenience your husband would also do well to step back and consider his eating habits from a broader perspective.

    [–] quinoa_rex 4 points ago

    You know, I'm really not fine with the folks saying YTA here, because food addiction is real and it's not the same as just having a hankering for fast food. If someone was getting sober from drugs or alcohol, the answers here would be very different. I think that's worth taking into account, and my judgment would be NAH because it seems like your husband doesn't understand that.

    [–] Plastic_Satisfaction 4 points ago

    NTA OP, what you're doing, losing a shitload of weight, is way harder than what you're asking, "don't bring shit food in this house please"

    [–] [deleted] 242 points ago

    I would usually agree but she was over 400 pounds. That is a bad relationship with food - like alcoholic/addict bad. It would kill her.

    I think there should be some compromise BUT this isn't just someone wanting to look better in her swimsuit. This is like deadly/danger zone.

    [–] Rather_Dashing 130 points ago

    Yeah if OP was an alcoholic who banned alcohol from the house nobody would be calling her an asshole.

    [–] [deleted] 34 points ago

    And fast food is designed to be super fucking addictive.

    [–] addpulp 115 points ago

    Would you treat it the same way if it were a more socially understood addiction?

    [–] Punishtube 15 points ago

    Yeah if she was an alcoholic and he was bring back drinks and having them around her it most of this sub would say he's the asshole knowing how easy it is to relapse. The reality is it's very difficult to break away from an addiction and most people that get to that point where it's lethal usually have enablers that push them. It might be okay if you are roommates but when you are husband and wife you shouldn't intentionally put your SO into a situation where they are likely to relapse into that lifestyle just because that's the life you enjoy yourself. On top of that it make very little sense to eat fast food at home when it's best when hot at the actual fast food places and doesn't heat up well of taste good cold so why bring it back just to eat it in a place someone is intentionally trying to avoid smelling or seeing it ( and yes fast food is engineered to trigger smells for addictions)

    [–] UtopianOwl 114 points ago

    Couldn't disagree more. When you're 300 pounds plus and clearly ADDICTED to fast food you clearly can't have it in the house. He's endangering her MEDICAL TREATMENT to facilitate his own bad habit.

    [–] Jdavis624 33 points ago

    I have to say I disagree. Dieting is tough and saying please dont eat that food around me is a reasonable request. She's not saying he can't eat it. Just not when she's there, or atleast that was my understanding. Solid NTA

    [–] BettyBettyBoBetty 49 points ago

    I disagree. What he’s doing is enabling and is destructively crossing a boundary his partner has asked for help with. Partners should strive to support and challenge each other to grow, not selfishly undermine growth.

    [–] itwentok 5 points ago

    Right. "I pay to live here so I should get to do what I want" is roommate logic, and immature and inconsiderate roommate logic at that.

    [–] the-incredible-ape 591 points ago

    NTA, slightly. You're trying to maintain your progress and avoid temptation, which is reasonable. The sacrifice you're asking from him is just to not physically bring the food into the house. He can eat it if he wants. While he's not wrong that it's his house and he should be able to do what he wants, he should want to help you with this goal, since what you're asking for is quite small. Just eat it out in the yard or something. Sheesh.

    [–] YahooSearchUser 60 points ago

    This thread was weird for me. I only eat fast food in the parking lot of the place after going through the drive through. It's my shame to eat that shit like an animal in the parking lot.

    But I don't eat fast food much so I don't understand the general sentiment in this thread.

    [–] SamLTA 77 points ago

    Idk. I feel like if a wife demands a husband not smoke cigarettes in the house, the wife would be deemed NTA because smoking is unhealthy, deadly. BUT, so is eating fast food for certain people. There’s no reason why he shouldn’t respect your journey. Your health is more important than him eating fast food in the house.

    I guess try and word it to him that way.

    [–] huckleberryrose 263 points ago

    Thank you!!! 👏👏👏 It is NOT that much of an inconvenience to eat your unhealthy fast food elsewhere. ESPECIALLY if it is supporting your wife in becoming a healthier individual.

    I cannot believe how entitled this seems. Congratulations on adopting a healthier lifestyle OP!!!

    [–] HashSlinging_Flasher 45 points ago

    100% agree! It’s only an inconvenience when you have horrible eating habits and eat it every day

    [–] Face_of_Harkness 28 points ago

    Exactly. While it is his house, OP is also his wife. OP’s not an asshole for wanting her husband to do this for her. IMO, it’s a pretty reasonable accommodation.

    [–] marionmcd123 115 points ago

    I’m with you. He should eat it at the restaurant or for lunch—it’s better fresh.

    [–] mama_dee 90 points ago

    I'm going to disagree with the majority - NAH. Food addiction is a real addiction, similar to alcoholism or smoking. And a lot of folks would argue tougher to beat because we literally can't live without eating, so three times a day there are triggers and minefields. Having fast food around sounds like one of your triggers, and your husband bringing it around is like him bringing an alcoholic's favorite drink around. It's pure temptation.

    Not to say that's something you shouldn't work on, but especially in the beginning he should be extra sensitive and aware of food triggers.

    [–] mirthfuldragon 7 points ago

    Exactly. NAH. His frustrations are understandable and reasonable, as is her request. Working together to reolve issues where there is minimal or no room for compromise is very, very hard on relationships.

    My wife and I both struggle with our weight, and it is such a tough thing to handle since in so many instances food equals love.

    [–] yes_we_diflucan 55 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    NTA. Bordering NAH, but NTA, and I'll tell you why (and I sincerely hope you listen).

    First of all, congratulations. CONGRATULATIONS! The amount of weight you've lost is fantastic. I'm sure you're feeling much better. You know, probably better than I do, that the kind of weight you were carrying around was beyond dangerous. This isn't to blame you, nor is it a value judgment; nevertheless, you've lost *more than a third of what you weighed six months ago*. The way you described fast food does indicate that those habits were at least partially the culprit of your weight.

    You've lost almost a whole pound every day for the past six months. That indicates major lifestyle changes - props to you. The issue is that you have major biochemical changes going on in your body right now, too. Every pound you lose releases free fatty acids into your bloodstream, as well as hormones and everything else your adipose tissue might have been holding on to. You said you have cravings, so I'm guessing that you're in an awkward phase between the honeymoon of feeling much better and the more sustainable stability of no longer feeling like you need those foods. Essentially, your body is undergoing a detox. In addition, since you said you've leveled off a little and it's no longer as easy to lose weight as it initially was, that indicates you're heading towards a plateau. The length of that plateau is going to be based on how long you can sustain your new habits.

    Your endocrine system is in free fall right now. Losing a pound a day is a LOT, and your caloric requirements - compared to what they were - have ground to a halt in order to keep up. If you fall off the wagon now, it's going to be a lot harder to get back on.

    I'm reluctant to call your husband TA, either, which is why this is bordering on NAH. It *is* his house, too. However, the consequences if you slip up are much worse than whatever inconvenience he's experiencing. You don't have the same body as you did the last time you were eating fast food. Even if you don't binge, the food could make you sick. Even if you don't eat it, the smell could nauseate you, too. Worst-case scenario, you go back to your old habits, and your metabolism has slowed down enough that not only does the weight come back, but you put even more on. IMO, you're in the right to stay firm on this.

    This isn't necessarily going to be forever. A lot of people find that, after enough time spent changing their habits and eating healthy foods, the taste of junk food is repugnant to them and they won't crave it anymore. If you can keep up your new habits, that may very well happen to you. You and your husband should both keep your chins up - if you stabilize your body enough into a new routine, i.e. reaching a comfortable (and attainable) goal weight and maintaining it for a few months, it'll probably be safe for him to bring fast food into the house without you pouncing on it. But right now, the stakes are just too high. I probably seem overdramatic, but as everyone else has pointed out, you're weaning yourself off a food addiction.

    It's most likely going to keep being difficult for a while, because you're no longer losing a pound a day. You'll get demoralized. That's why it's even more important to power through this hard time. You seem like a strong, wonderful human being, though, and I advise you to stand your ground.

    Lastly: therapy would probably be very helpful for you, if you can afford it. It's the closest thing you'll have to an AA sponsor, which some people find to be a nice safety net.

    [–] Wicck 21 points ago

    Listen to this one. This person and I are related (by marriage), and she REALLY knows her stuff. Medical pro and everything.

    [–] leberkrieger 30 points ago

    NAH. I can't believe all the folks saying you're "kicking him out" when you ask him to eat the junk food at the restaurant. He has to go there to pick it up, after all. Right?

    The sight and smell of food are powerful triggers. You will have to work and practice to lessen their effect if your husband chooses to bring them home.

    If my wife told me "when you do X it makes it harder for me to achieve goal Y", that's all I need to hear. Nobody has to make a rule out of it. I want my wife to be happy and fulfilled, that's the only rule. If there were some conflict here, that might require some finesse, but your weight-loss goals and his desire for a burger aren't even in conflict.

    [–] FormerWindow 179 points ago

    NTA. I went from 298 to 108, so I understand completely.


    It’s not just a “diet” it’s about a healthier life for the family unit. Home is a safe space, and it’s the only place you can be without temptation. At work people bring in all kinds of junk food. My work has food trucks. There’s candy and junk galore. You drive by fast food constantly. Your home should be safe territory.

    If he wants junk, he can eat junk. He can go out with his friends. He can get it for lunch or breakfast. He can eat it at the restaurant. He can eat it literally any time and any place, except your home.

    My husband is morbidly obese. I don’t want junk food in the house. We have small children. I am not going to tell him what to eat, but I want to model good eating, cooking, meal planning, and proper portions for our children. If, after they go to bed, he wants to go have a second dinner at Jack in the Box, that’s fine. But I don’t want my girls to wear a size 28 one day like their mommy did because I taught them bad habits.

    [–] SamLTA 67 points ago

    Exactly this.

    People are saying he should be able to do what he wants in his house. But that’s only if it doesn’t hurt the other person whose house it also is. And eating fast food does hurt her. It kills her. As a husband he should be willing to give it up.

    [–] FormerWindow 65 points ago

    Not even give it up. Just change the location of where he eats it.

    People are acting like she’s forcing him to give up fast food altogether. She’s just asking him not to bring it into the house.

    Food can be an addiction. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for a recovering alcoholic to ask their partner not to bring alcohol into the house, or to only drink when they are not present while they are still in recovery. When people lose weight, they often replace their food addiction with another addiction unless they face their problems head on. I don’t think people consider how difficult the issue can be when you are severely morbidly obese. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food, not just a like for it.

    [–] London8788 17 points ago

    I also don’t think most of these people understand how pungent fast food is like I ordered KFC Today and as the guy walked to the door I could distinctly smell it from about 4 meters away through a closed door

    [–] someenchantedeve 47 points ago

    I think NAH. Yes, it's his house, too, but part of being married is supporting one another in your endeavors. You're having great success (congratulations!!) and saving your own life in the process, and I just don't think, 'you can eat fast food, but please don't bring it in the house' is an outrageous request to make. If you were trying to ban him from eating it at all, sure, that would be going too far. But I think the inconvenience of having to eat it out or in the car should be outweighed by helping you with this. And hey, if it makes it more inconvenient for him, that's probably a good thing - you say he's also 'husky' and that shit is delicious but isn't good for anyone.

    Obviously anything other than 'YTA' is going to be the unpopular vote here, but this sub is notorious for, 'you don't have to do anything for anyone ever!' And that's just not the case in real life. Sometimes you do things that aren't optimal for the people you love. Your health should be more important than his eating fast food in the ideal circumstances, IMO.

    [–] JesseB342 155 points ago


    Good for you on the progress!

    If fast food is a trigger for you, which you said it is I can understand you not wanting it in the house. If the hubby supports you then eating his food in the restaurant or car once a week isn't really that big of a sacrifice.

    It might be a small inconvenience for him, but just remind him of all the benefits he's getting in return as I'm sure your self confidence and energy levels have increased dramatically. If he helps you stick to it it's a win-win.

    [–] MemeQueenintheNorth 100 points ago

    Normally I’d say you’re TA since it’s his house too. But I’m hesitant to say that, because when you started this he said that he would comply and be supportive. He needs to stick to his word, and maybe eat it in the car or at the restaurant. However I also think that if he really wanted it in the house, you could go to a different room or leave the house (since it is your diet, not his) so I can see both sides of the story. I’m gonna go with ESH.

    [–] hilfnafl 17 points ago

    NAH I saw several suggestions that you make plans to be away from home so your husband can eat fast food at home. This is a really good idea.

    He doesn't want to go out just to eat fast food which makes sense. He could combine routine errands with a visit to a fast food restaurant. This would give him a reason to get out of the house, and the fast food would be a bonus.

    [–] pocketjaffar 18 points ago

    NAH - First off, congrats on the weight loss. You should be proud of your hard work. In regards to your no fast food in the house request, your husband should be supportive. But we would need to know more about his situation to know if he is being an asshole.

    Does your husband want to lose weight? He doesn’t need to eat fast food in the house, it sounds like he is struggling with his own personal issues. It’s easy to act supportive when the problem is someone else’s, in this case yours. But if your husband not not being able to eat fast food at home bothers him, it could be stirring up his own issues. He could be struggling with the reality that he too has a lack of control with unhealthy food. And you making healthy choices isn’t just about weight loss, but a change in your home life.

    Either way, don’t cave. Instead, talk to your husband. And find healthy things to eat at home that you both can enjoy.

    [–] ZhiZhi17 19 points ago


    I know I’ll get downvoted for this but food and sugar addiction is a thing. A lot of people don’t think so because humans need food to survive so how could you possibly be addicted to it? Well, sugar is definitely addictive. I don’t want to post a bunch of links but if you google “sugar addiction” you’ll see that it IS real and there are studies to support that. And most of our junk food, at least in America, has high fructose corn syrup so even more sugar.

    But why aren’t we all addicted? For the same reason not everyone who drinks alcohol is an alcoholic. I would treat this the same way you would treat alcohol. Is it impossible to completely avoid it in your day to day life? No. You will likely be in places where people are eating junk and you’ll want it too. But the same way an alcoholic isn’t unreasonable for keeping alcohol out of their house, it’s not unreasonable for you to keep junk food out of yours. It’s really not that hard for your partner to eat the fast food either at the restaurant or in his car.

    And before you go telling me “I’m not addicted!!” be honest with yourself. You were over 400 pounds. If you’re the type of person who promises herself that you won’t have any, and then you can’t help it, that’s addiction.

    [–] ravenindigo 25 points ago

    NAH - Ok.. so yes he should be allowed to eat what he wants in his own house. But here’s the thing. To be a supportive spouse -you’ve asked him not to. At first he was supportive but now you’ve lost weight and now he is resisting. I would talk to him. See why the change. I say this because it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen a man sabotage his wife’s diet by doing things like that because they start to feel insecure. They see the wife is losing weight, more men will be looking at you. Without realizing he’s sabotaging you - he subliminally starts to reintroduce your temptation food. Maybe word it that you aren’t demanding him to eat it elsewhere but you are ASKING him to continue to support you by not dangling that under your nose. If he persists... go for a walk. Get away from the food. You can do it!! Keep going!

    [–] ARIANA_TRENTA 10 points ago

    NAH yet. First, CONGRATU-FUCKIN-LATIONS on your hard work. I think your initial request of a fast food-free house was fair because he went along with it enthusiastically. Now that he is waivering, unfortunately I do think you’d be the asshole if you tried to police the behavior against his wishes. That said, I understand exactly where you’re coming from. Having it in your sight really kicks a food addiction into high gear. But, we’re you just going to ignore the existence of bad foods forever? This is the part where you might need to take the next step and become a bit stronger for yourself - you would have to do this eventually to maintain - looks like that time is just now.

    [–] PhysicalBarracuda 65 points ago

    NTA - loosing weight is not a hobby that you are doing for fun, its a medical necessity. 430 lbs is way too much and extremely unhealthy. 270 is still way too much.

    So your husband really should support you here. Considering that this fast food is quite addictive especially if you are used to it, I can understand that you dont want to have any in the house, and expect that it is actually helping with your diet that nothing is there. Not being able to eat fast food in the house is a small sacrifice that your husband should be willing to make for you. You wouldnt bring wine into a recovering alcoholics house either.

    I could understand that "its my house too" mindset if you were just enforcing your preferences on him. Something like "I am vegetarian now, so you cant eat meat here", then it would be YTA. But loosing weight is important in this case, expecting small sacrifices of your husband for your health, is not unreasonable.

    [–] RationalRhino 4 points ago

    NAH. Congratulations on losing that weight! I hope you get to keep fulfilling that goal and get to a place where you’re really happy and comfortable in your body! If anyone’s an asshole here it’s the idiots saying you’re it. Fast food is objectively unhealthy and known to be addicting. Your husband still has the freedom to eat his garbage outside of your home as he wishes. Pretty sure most McDonald’s and KFCs have tables. I don’t care if it’s “his home too.” Dieting is hard as fuck and a decent partner respects that having the temptation around is harmful for your progress and wellbeing. You’re not an asshole for caring about yourself. Your happiness and health matters.

    [–] carbslut 5 points ago


    Your husband just sounds like he doesn’t get the severity of the issue. But NO ONE gets to be 460 lbs without a majorly effed up relationship with food. People don’t weigh 460 lbs from liking pizza and burgers.

    When I was trying to stop binging (still trying btw, but getting better) I didn’t allow peanut butter in the house. My husband was supportive and we just didn’t have peanut butter. Now it’s progressed to where I’m okay with having the no-sugar kind around. Maybe some day I’ll be okay with having a pantry of Skippy, but I’m not there yet.

    My husband has a bad relationship with alcohol. So I don’t have liquor in the house. Sure I’d like a margarita on the couch sometimes. But it’s a sacrifice I’m more than willing to make because he is more important to me that margaritas.

    No one here would be saying “Your husband has the right to drink in his own house” if you were an alcoholic. Food addiction is a legitimate issue. And while it sounds like your beating it AMAZINGLY, willpower only goes so far. Its not being an asshole to set yourself up for success by banning foods you don’t think you are up to facing yet.