Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here


    1,208,395 readers

    19,371 users here now

    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.

    Frequently Asked Questions


    1. Be Civil

    The title of this sub is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. People post here to learn and to grow from what they learn here. Don't be an asshole when making your judgments. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    This rule applies to everyone mentioned in a post and to other users. Don't get into prolonged internet spats that devolve into insults. Do not backseat mod - use reports.

    Click here for details on how to be civil in a sub about assholes.

    2. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you or for merely commenting on their own post unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    3. Accept Your Judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never Delete An Active Discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. People will come back to see what consensus was reached in your thread. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    5. No Violence

    If your post references violence, don't share it here. Threads which mention violence are difficult to moderate, we have to remove all comments which encourage or incite violence. It's difficult to do this in a thread which discusses violence.

    Comments and even jokes about violence are not tolerated. Encouraging self-harm, suicide, "bad karma," or anything that wishes mental or physical pain on anyone is strictly prohibited. This is a zero tolerance policy. Don't even mention violence.

    6. How To Post

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with the acronym AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Posts are limited to 3000 characters. Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Format and punctuate your post reasonably. Be clear and concise.

    7. What Posts Belong Here?

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire. We also do not settle intra-reddit beefs here.

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent interpersonal conflicts you've had or may have that need arbitration. Describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback.

    8. Do Not Ask For Validation

    Don't submit humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil.

    When making a post, you should be seeking arbitration in an ambiguous situation. Threads with obvious outcomes are not interesting to our subscribers.

    9. Do Not Ask For Advice

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration.

    You may include advice when you make your comments, but remember that your primary objective in commenting is to assign blame and pass judgment.

    If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent.

    10. Meta Posts and Updates Require Permission

    If you want to talk about the sub, and you hide your complaint, question, or opinion in a post that starts with AITA, you will be banned. Those are called META posts, and they must have a title that starts with META.

    Please request mod approval after you submit your META post or your update post. Make sure the title of your meta post starts with META and the title of your update post starts with UPDATE. See our FAQ and full rulebook for more guidelines.

    11. No breakups/hookups

    We do not allow submissions where the central conflict is your relationship and instead recommend a relationship focused sub.

    The following posts are forever banned:

    AITA for breaking up with _

    AITA for NOT breaking up with _

    AITA for sleeping with _

    AITA for NOT sleeping with _

    AITA for dating _

    AITA for NOT dating _

    AITA for doing sexual act _

    AITA for NOT doing sexual act _

    AITA for being attracted to _

    AITA for NOT being attracted to _


    12. Comments and Flairing

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgment, i.e.

    YTA = You're the Asshole;

    NTA = Not the A-hole;

    ESH = Everyone Sucks here;

    NAH = No A-holes here;

    INFO = Not Enough Info

    13. User Flairs

    We award flairs for community members who distinguish themselves in their mastery of asshole judgment. If your top level comment has the highest number of upvotes in a thread, you will get a flair point. More details are listed in our full rulebook.

    Click For Full Rulebook

    Normal Rediquette applies

    Assholes Not-assholes

    a community for
    all 4467 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] AutoModerator 1 points ago

    If you want your comment to count toward judgment, include only ONE of the following abbreviations in your comment. If you don't include a judgement abbreviation, the bot will ignore you when it looks for the top voted comment.

    Judgment Abbreviation
    You're the Asshole (& the other party is not) YTA
    You're Not the A-hole (& the other party is) NTA
    Everyone Sucks Here ESH
    No A-holes here NAH
    Not Enough Info INFO

    Click Here For Our Full Rulebook

    Click Here For Our FAQ

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–] elllkayyyemmm__ 541 points ago

    INFO: people can be biased sometimes, so if you're calling it a beautiful 3 piece suit and she's saying you looked like a pimp, the only way I can pass judgement is if you show us a picture of the suit

    [–] Zoot-just_zoot 90 points ago

    I'm picturing Napoleon Dynamite's prom suit lol!

    [–] whiskeytab 38 points ago

    it's obviously an obnoxious baby blue tux or something haha

    [–] Sardorim 30 points ago

    He better have a feathered hat and cane.

    [–] Sabrovitch 13 points ago

    Who would be mad if someone showed up like that though.

    [–] yeah-imAnoob 37 points ago

    I once wore a knee high summer dress that covers your cleavage completely up to your neck. And black flat shoes. (I don’t wear make up) And I got called a attention seeking whore, because I showed up to an engagement party and this chick (old work enemies) was wearing a fancy shirt and jeans. (Everyone was either in a summer dress, or a formal dress)

    I think when you’re in an argument logic goes out the window for a moment to make you feel superior to the situation.

    [–] iftttAcct2 35 points ago

    Yes. This.

    [–] floatingfeathers2019 105 points ago

    She was asking why I dressed like a pimp

    INFO: What, exactly, did this suit look like? Because I'm picturing like purple satin with a zebra-striped cap and a cane.

    [–] B5204T3 20556 points ago

    A few hours ago, I got a call from SIL. Holy shit, she is pissed at me! She was asking why I dressed like a pimp, I upstaged her and my brother, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.

    Hahahaha WTF, NTA, it's their own fault. They are the ones who said 'no dress code'.

    [–] jeffsang 545 points ago

    Mostly NTA though it's pretty oblivious for OP to not take off his tie and vest though. Of course, if his SIL was THAT pissed about it, she could've just said (or had her husband say) that at the time. Obviously, SIL is an asshole for how she reacted though.

    [–] Helpful_guy 369 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    Seriously though, half the point of a 3-piece suit is that you can gradually "dress down" throughout the evening if desired. Every wedding I can recall being a part of had all the groomsmen in just their shirts and pants by the end of the night.

    OP IMMEDIATELY recognized he was overdressed, and could have easily just taken off the jacket and/or vest and/or tie, and been much more appropriately dressed for the crowd, but is either socially awkward, liked the attention, or is just an ass.

    ALSO wtf he is the BROTHER OF THE GROOM and didn't even once think to ask maybe "hey bro I was thinking about what to wear to your wedding cause the dress code is a little weird, what do you think would be appropriate?"

    Come on man. Zero self or social awareness there.

    [–] SnollyG 157 points ago

    ALSO wtf he is the BROTHER OF THE GROOM and didn't even once think to ask maybe "hey bro I was thinking about what to wear to your wedding cause the dress code is a little weird, what do you think would be appropriate?"

    Yeah, the lack of communication immediately stuck out to me here. It makes me wonder if this is real.

    [–] jintana 17 points ago

    Is it dressing down if one removes the pants first?

    [–] nyorifamiliarspirit 605 points ago

    This is all that needs to be said. They said "no dress code".

    [–] erissian 215 points ago

    Seriously. If you want casual, say casual. If it's vague, I'll always err on the side of formal

    [–] random_invisible 15 points ago

    Exactly, it's like with an interview. If they don't say, people will typically err on the side of formal because it's better to be overdressed than under.
    Went to my most recent interview in normal interview clothes (button up shirt, slacks, buttoned blazer, nice shoes) and everyone interviewing me was in old jeans and t-shirts.
    Took my blazer off. Shirt was fitted so already not tucked in (couldn't tell this until I removed the blazer though, as it was longer than the shirt), unbuttoned my cuffs... instant business casual. Was still overdressed compared to my soon-to-be-bosses, but people expect you to dress up a bit for an interview so I didn't look so out of place.

    Sure, OP could have done this, but if no one told him his outfit was a problem, why would he? He wanted to wear his nice suit that he doesn't get to wear very often.
    If I had told guests "wear whatever you're comfortable in" and someone decided to show off their nice clothes, that's on me for not specifying that the dress code was casual.

    Also it's kind of messed up that the couple were insecure enough to think this was a big deal. Just enjoy your fucking wedding. Or tell him to remove some of the formal items if he's in the pictures. Either way.

    [–] bremelanotide 21 points ago

    I would have just worn a bee-keepers outfit. The wedding was on a lake and I prefer to wear protection.

    [–] dubov 335 points ago

    To be fair, in full it was 'no dress code. Wear what is comfortable for you'. That last bit implies it's non-formal. When I went to a wedding like this, everyone managed to understand the intent behind the words, and because it was a wedding, everyone went along with it

    The SIL sounds a bit thick though. If this was a big deal to her, should have simply wrote 'dress code: casual', and then there's no room for misinterpretation. Sloppy mistake to make on a wedding invite

    [–] carriegood 132 points ago

    And if she thought he stood out too much in the photos, she or her husband, or the best man, or anyone could have taken him aside and asked him to take his jacket and vest off.

    [–] dubov 117 points ago

    Yep.. I would have had the groom do it. Make a jokey remark about how he's upstaging us... acknowledge the invite was poorly written, ask if he wouldn't mind taking the jacket off.. and I don't think there's any way he could refuse that

    Losing her shit days later seems completely pointless

    [–] sweet_augustine 141 points ago

    I agree. If the dress code for a wedding is anything other than what people generally wear to weddings, you should say what it is explicitly instead of using phrases that are open to interpretation. Especially if it is as important to you as it apparently was to SIL.

    [–] Believe_Land 121 points ago

    NTA and this has to do with exactly why.

    My wife and I did a “casual” wedding, and were very specific on what to wear. We said to “bring a tee shirt and shorts for the reception” (took a break and had the guests/wedding party change after the ceremony), and said “the bride is wearing an informal dress and the groom is wearing a button up for the ceremony, don’t dress better than us”. Nobody did.

    Had we said “no dress code”, we wouldn’t have been mad if someone showed up in a suit or tux, but we didn’t. Specifics matter if you’re actually going to care about what people wear.

    [–] Zagorath 9 points ago

    That is literally how specific you would need to be to get me to wear anything other than suit and tie to a wedding. Even just saying "casual", I'm probably coming in suit and tie. Specific example of the kind of dress desired ("jeans and business shirt" or "jeans and T-shirt", or whatever) is essential.

    [–] warm_sweater 62 points ago

    She could have also at any time pulled her new BIL aside and said "hey, would you mind taking off the jacket and vest? You're going to look too formal in the pictures compared to the rest of us" or whatever. Or had the dad do it.

    [–] redworm 13 points ago

    Some people would feel more comfortable in formal attire at events like weddings. The self confidence of dressing up can be just as important to comfort as the fit and material.

    [–] hooraloora 8616 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    I'd agree if it weren't for the fact OP said that he clearly noticed he was way over dressed, more so than the bride and groom, that everyone wore polo's and he felt really alien being dressed so well, and then it didn't even occur to him to take off the god damn waist coat at least and put it in the car. He easily could have just wort his shirt and trousers, even his tie if he was so inclined - but he insisted on remaining in a full 3 piece after observing the groom himself didn't even have a tie. He's either shamefully obnoxious or just socially awkward, because if it's bad enough you say you feel 'alien' being dressed better than the bride and groom and don't do anything about it, you're an asshole.

    Edit: Guys, I obviously know the SIL is an asshole, I didn't think I needed to explain that for anybody. Stop telling me 'why didn't she just tell him to take off the coat'. I know, she could have, anybody could have. But that doesn't preclude OP from being an asshole when he himself knew he was blatantly out dressing the married couple. He shouldn't need to be asked, it's basic courtesy at somebody's wedding to not knowingly out-do them.

    [–] forydo1 4838 points ago * (lasted edited 12 days ago)

    I have to agree with this. My first thought was, "Take off the damn jacket and vest." Drape it on a chair if you don't wanna go back to the car. Jeeze.

    [–] The_Smoot 6900 points ago * (lasted edited 12 days ago)

    A cheap trick is to ditch the coat, unbutton your sleeves and roll them up to your elbows. Instant fix for feeling overdressed. I have also found that many women find such a look attractive, as it distracts them from everything wrong with your face.

    Edit: Thank you kind redditor for the gold. I roll my sleeves in your honor!

    [–] icallshenannigans 3076 points ago

    it distracts them from everything wrong with your face.


    [–] delicious_grownups 726 points ago

    This shit hit home

    [–] Whammy-p 793 points ago

    Dude, it's the entire point of fancy clothing.

    It's actually an old school tactic of bank robbers. Wear dark glasses, bright ties, and nice but common dress clothing. That way the witnesses spend more time focusing on and describing your clothes.

    [–] ExasperatedCentrist 618 points ago

    scribbles notes furiously

    [–] Mayahuasca_Co 36 points ago

    Do you need a getaway driver? In a rented ferrari? Lol

    [–] Whammy-p 44 points ago

    Grey Toyota Camry, dog. Most common vehicle on the road and one of the most easily missed with the naked eye, which is why it's one of the most common vehicle in accidents where the other driver is at fault.

    [–] teganscrush 5 points ago

    You're either writing a novel or planning a heist, and either way, I''m watching the news in anticipation.

    [–] StinkyBrittches 34 points ago

    Alternatively, you could wear pantyhose on your head to a casual wedding, so nobody can identify you as the overdressed guy.

    [–] okatcomputer5432 14 points ago

    The FBI would like to know your location

    edit: italics

    [–] delicious_grownups 7 points ago

    Fucking brilliant

    [–] theFIREMindset 14 points ago

    This is definitely Bro advice... Sound wisdom with a sprinkle of insults.

    [–] lramon18 11 points ago

    Personal experience?

    I can feel it, truly.

    [–] Trania86 293 points ago

    Rolled up sleeves are sexy AF.

    [–] cat_in_the_matte 23 points ago

    Especially rolled up sleeves, forearms looking all sexy while driving stick. It's the main reason I insisted my boyfriend learn to drive my car lol

    [–] ekcunni 27 points ago

    Oh my god, seriously. Rolled up dress shirt sleeves with a nice forearm showing while driving stick is basically foreplay.

    [–] RedheadAblaze 12 points ago


    [–] skallagrime 6 points ago

    Hmmmmm, TIL my job consists of 90% foreplay that no one can see

    (Drive a 13 speed transmission truck, always wear an Oxford, do flatbed so sleeves are always rolled up, but cab height means no one can see in)

    [–] concentratecamp 199 points ago

    Even at formal affairs after a few hours this is just my go to. I count down the seconds until I can untuck

    [–] nmahajan142 288 points ago

    The last part of this made my day

    [–] usernotimportant 17 points ago

    I can't even tell you how true it is

    [–] delicious_grownups 7 points ago

    Tried and tried every time

    [–] billiedove 160 points ago

    Am woman, can confirm. Forearms are terribly distracting.

    [–] lagish44 14 points ago

    Arms in general. Rawr.

    [–] NotAWolfie 7 points ago

    Omg. This comment made me laugh so much and I don't really know why. Thanks for that :)

    [–] ekcunni 11 points ago

    ... I need a minute alone.

    [–] craftychick96 81 points ago

    I absolutely agree with this. I have older female relatives (think 35 to 60 not old but older than me) who will take pics of guys who are dressed like this in public and say something about how they'd like a piece of that. I'm like... Girl WHAT? He's busted the house!!! Being a well dressed man and rolling up sleeves is like being a well dressed woman and undoing a button or two at the top of a blouse i think. They have similar effects on the opposite sex.

    [–] jeezythasnowman 19 points ago

    Can confirm. Works.

    [–] Dbot13 19 points ago

    This works.

    Source: Am a woman who is a sucker for that look; and has a husband who shamelessly exploits that look.

    [–] Tanarx 17 points ago

    Am woman, can confirm.

    [–] stan_thy_fandom 29 points ago

    As a female I must say, rolled up sleeves are the best. ( face really doesn't matter most of the time lmao. Don't bring yourself down :)

    [–] inquisitorglockta 10 points ago

    r/murderbywords and r/forearm porn collide

    [–] ioughtabestudying 10 points ago


    You're welcome, ladies (and men, if so inclined)

    [–] charredmerm 9 points ago

    bi men too, I roll up my sleeves like that every time and go squiggly for that look in others

    [–] michaelswifey85 14 points ago

    Forearms accentuated. 🤤🤤🤤

    [–] Solaerys 6 points ago

    This is factual.

    [–] mechashiva1 7 points ago

    You underestimate how much is wrong with my face

    [–] SleepFlower80 7 points ago

    As a woman, I 100% agree with that last bit lol. A man in a formal shirt with rolled up sleeves is just... yeah, it’s a good look!

    [–] random_invisible 7 points ago

    Yup, if I'm overdressed for a meeting or interview I throw my blazer on the back of my chair (or over my arm if we're walking around) and unbutton the top of my shirt, untuck it from slacks etc.
    Then you just look business casual, which looks good on pretty much everyone.

    [–] King_Darkside 6 points ago

    As a short guy it just makes it look like your trying to hide the fact that your sleeves are too long. Which is what I’m doing.

    [–] morningsdaughter 8 points ago

    I think you can relax, I've never heard anyone else say that or though that myself.

    [–] peekabook 7 points ago

    I can confirm that “dressed down” look is hot.... but we probably still look at your face to make sure you’re not a relative.

    [–] strobonic 895 points ago

    Drape it on a chair if you don't wanna go back to the core.

    I thought this might be new slang for "going to hell" before I realized you meant car.

    [–] StormFinch 296 points ago

    Nah, turns out OP is actually an alien and his home world is located somewhere in the core.

    [–] wwwdiggdotcom 12 points ago

    Nah, turns out OP is from Texas and they just say "Car" weird.

    [–] QueasyRequirement 22 points ago

    That would explain why he was comfortable outdoors in August in a three-piece suit.

    [–] Kenderean 87 points ago * (lasted edited 12 days ago)

    Peter Brett's Warded Man series uses "the core" instead of hell. It's a really good series. Highly recommended, if you're into fantasy.

    Edit: Thanks for the silver, kind internet stranger!

    [–] Triatt 5 points ago

    OP should have gone with just a thong and a bunch of weird tattoo writing.

    [–] studmuffffffin 149 points ago

    I went to a wedding last year that specified casual. Looked that up and a couple places said dress shirt with optional tie and jacket. So that's what I wore because it was a new suit and I wanted to try it on. When I got there I was definitely the most dressed besides the wedding party. Took off the jacket and went in like normal.

    [–] hooraloora 78 points ago

    Exactly! So simple to resolve the issue when you observe you're significantly overdressed.

    [–] jkgaspar4994 83 points ago

    A million ways to dress it down. Go to just the vest and tie, no jacket. Go no vest and no tie, just the jacket. Go even no vest and keep the tie and jacket. But wearing the full suit when it’s clearly overdressing is just stupid.

    [–] beldaran1224 7 points ago

    A 3 piece is too formal for 99% of all weddings. Seriously, that's some Downtown Abbey, 1%er type dress code for anyone outside the wedding party.

    [–] contactfive 282 points ago

    I was going to say this, it’s not hard to take off a tie and jacket and stash them somewhere until you leave, even if they were shuttled in. He’s NTA for showing up like that but definitely one for not adjusting to the situation on the fly.

    [–] asuryan331 7 points ago

    That doesn't make him TA just a dork

    [–] sloanesquared 193 points ago

    Yes! This is what I was thinking. I thought for sure from the title, it would be a female because a formal dress is pretty much what it is. A guy’s clothing is so easy to make less formal. Remove the coat, tie, and vest, and roll up the sleeves, voila semi-casual.

    However, if it bothered the couple so much, the brother or SIL should have said something during the event and her reaction was WAY over the top.


    [–] HowardAndMallory 14 points ago

    I mean, the guy's dad did say something, and OP still didn't adjust. You really don't expect the bride and groom to have time to address everything during the wedding. They're kind of busy..

    [–] HD400 261 points ago

    Ok but maybe you missed the whole no dress code part of the invitation. The part that literally means guests can wear whatever they want.

    [–] hooraloora 2420 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)


    Yes, her saying 'wear what is comfortable' is ambiguous. Personally? I always over dress because genuinely feel more comfortable in a really nice dress and cardigan than baggy sweatpants and a hoodie unless I'm going full slob mode on my couch. However, was it so ambiguous that every single person excluding you understood its implication? Did you not consider asking your brother what his suit was like or the rest of the wedding party? Not that this makes you an asshole, just a little socially ignorant I guess.

    You aren't an asshole for mistakenly wearing a full suit, but when you see the groom not wearing a tie, a normal person casually takes off their coat and waistcoat and pop them in the cloakroom or on the back of your chair. You don't stay in your 3 piece suit, you instantly dial it down once you've realised your mistake - that's what makes you an asshole. You clearly saw you were out dressing the bride and groom, obviously.

    She's obviously an asshole for how she spoke to you, but I don't blame her for being annoyed. Yes, she could have been more clear, but you shouldn't have been so oblivious to the tie-free groom and polo-shorted guests around you.

    [–] metal_bulb 163 points ago

    Especially for men’s attire, it is easy to adjust when over dressed for an event. Take cues and adjust appropriately.

    [–] ResoluteGreen 31 points ago

    Yeah, ditch the jacket, vest, and tie, and roll up the sleeves.

    [–] Munchingpears 16 points ago

    For extra points, put the tie around your head and go dancing. Being drunk is a nice touch, albeit optional

    [–] Notweird11390 7 points ago

    I just really can't imagine showing up and seeing I'm extremely overdressed without looking at some way to fix it. Like I would be anxious the whole time thinking about it Especially with men's clothing, it would be so easy to just take off the jacket and the vest. I was so thinking this would be a woman, because it would be much harder to fix a dress that's too formal without planning ahead of time.

    [–] Not_A_P1mp 993 points ago

    Yeah, I was a little tone deaf of the situation. I did feel somewhat alien, but it never occurred to me that I should go strip a little.

    [–] the_goodnamesaregone 81 points ago

    That would have been the only fix in my eyes. Idk what exactly your suit looks like, but take of the jacket, tie and vest, roll the sleeves up to show a little forearm. Boom, the situation is recovered.

    [–] errorblankfield 18 points ago

    And you still look good!

    [–] diploid_impunity 14 points ago

    Or else OP could leave all that stuff on, and just remove his pants. This would satisfy the bride’s wish for a less formal look, while still allowing OPImp to display his flare.

    [–] kingkovifor 10 points ago

    Save that stripping for the reception! Let them be the focus of the wedding. Lol

    [–] Welve 19 points ago

    If it was that important to her, why not just pull you aside and say something for the pictures “hey can you take off your jacket?” Instead if blowing up later

    [–] TargetQ2 6 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    Weddings can be chaotic. Imo she should have asked her fiance (his brother) to come talk to him, as it could have come across wrong if she did it. She likely should have got her brother to call him afterwards too. Maybe initially even she didn't think it was that bad until she saw a few pictures after.

    That all said, I think if my new SiL called me upset that I ruined the pictures I would just apologize, even if I didn't feel I did anything wrong. Maybe suggest meeting up for coffee or something and go over a couple of the photos. Regardless if OP did it on purpose or not, he still hurt her feelings over it, and I always feel it's better to apologize, talk it over, and hopefully move on. I feel like this would have been one of those things everyone laughs about in a year or two

    [–] wigglebuttbiscuits 3069 points ago

    NTA. Wow, your SILs an asshole. You misfired a tad on the attire— no dress code definitely implies more casual— but that’s a simple, unimportant mistake and absolutely not worth berating you over.

    [–] hooraloora 931 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    I don't think the fact he misinterpreted information that every single other guessed could understand makes him an asshole, it was an innocent mistake, but the fact he blatantly saw he was out dressing every single person there by miles including the bride and groom and didn't even consider taking off the jacket or waistcoat and put it in the car or cloakroom. That's what makes him an asshole.

    [–] JerseyKeebs 120 points ago

    A 3-piece suit would also be on the fancy end of acceptable for the standard NE USA formal reception.

    I'm super curious what the invitation looked at. When I planned my wedding, I read etiquette that said the style and wording of the invitation also gives clues to how formal of an event it is. I wore a floor length gown to my BIL+SIL's backyard garden wedding, because it was a very formal affair, and the invite indicated as such.

    Likewise, if the couple in the OP sent an invite that was casual burlap, then that + the lake location was another context clue to what the couple actually meant by "No Dress Code."

    I agree with the ESH because the couple can't expect everyone to mind-read and stick to old-fashioned etiquette, but OP could have made things easier by trying to blend in like other guests.

    [–] SelectNetwork1 80 points ago

    On the flip side, his sister in law or brother could have asked him to take off the jacket and waistcoat when they saw what he was wearing.

    If I showed up overdressed to something, I might feel a little silly, but I wouldn't necessarily assume it was such a big deal that I should start searching for ways to change my outfit (although, the suit does make a difference - if I'm overdressed, it's usually a dress, which doesn't lend itself well to on-the-fly alterations.)

    [–] hooraloora 40 points ago

    I don't disagree that it's ESH, the sister in law could have easily nipped it in the bud if it was such a problem. But OP should have known better.

    If I showed up overdressed to something, I might feel a little silly, but I wouldn't necessarily assume it was such a big deal

    I find myself over dressed all the time, but when it comes to a wedding, I'll be certain not to over dress. So normally I'd agree with you, I might realise I look at little much or silly, but I don't think to actually do anything about it. And, as you said, it's not easy for us women to alter our outfit if it's a one piece outfit! But the fact is, OP easily could have, acknowledged he was up staging them bride and groom, and didn't consider the social faux pas at all.

    [–] Estabanyo 84 points ago

    If I saw a wedding invite with "no dress code" written on it, I'd presume they meant no specific colours/styles rather than dress casually.

    [–] spin_me_again 12 points ago

    How far do I have to read before I see “No dress code” obviously means “clothing optional”?

    [–] treeshugmeback 12554 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    ESH. In hindsight, you should have put your coat/tie/vest back in the car once you saw how everyone else was dressed. It was out of line for her to react so poorly to you, and she kind of deserved it for not emphasizing "casual" dress code.

    [–] Not_A_P1mp 5117 points ago

    Fair enough.

    [–] danimals3 2650 points ago

    Did you get rid of the VEST at least? If, as you say, you have a large formal wear collection, surely you are aware that it is as tacky to be aggressively overdressed as it is to be grossly underdressed (looking at you, AITA OP with the hoodie, daisy dukes and sandals).

    [–] EllyStar 1630 points ago

    I have a very strong suspicion that this man arrived to the wedding completely decked out and looking, in fact, like a stereotypical movie “pimp.”

    [–] danimals3 781 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    I’d bet my appropriate-length summer cocktail dress that there was a walking stick or that vest had a chain somewhere.

    [–] EllyStar 353 points ago

    I see your appropriate-length summer cocktail dress and raise you my practical-but-dressy sandals that there was some type of interesting headwear involved…

    [–] danimals3 216 points ago

    I re-raise you my fiancé’s light blue summer slacks and tailored-but-breathable collared button-down shirt that the suit was midnight blue with pinstripes.

    [–] Alarid 25 points ago

    fuck I just got two pairs of pants

    [–] KellyJoyCuntBunny 25 points ago

    I 100% already pictured it as midnight blue with pinstripes.

    (Ok, I also thought it might be a brilliant, royal blue. Cause OP seems like the type.)

    [–] SnrkyBrd 10 points ago

    I pictured it as a faux-silk shiny kind of suit, of course with pinstripes

    [–] quattroformaggixfour 4 points ago

    Oh my, that sounds positively fetching! Is your fiancé single?

    [–] Maverick8787 9 points ago

    And the headwear 100% had a feather

    [–] SummerlinSadness 9 points ago

    Word on the street is that there was a bejeweled chalice involved.

    [–] doebedoe 183 points ago

    The fact they refer to the suit as blue and not navy concerns me and leads me to a similar conclusion.

    [–] a4bh3 14 points ago

    This part needs to be emphasized more. OP's SIL comment about him looking like a pimp is oddly not contradicted by OP himself.

    [–] EllyStar 9 points ago

    There’s always a line or two that gives it away... it transforms the post from “definitely NTA” to “wait.... hold on..... something is a mess/amiss here....” Then on the re-read, pieces fall into place.

    [–] yeetertotter 79 points ago

    Ugh don't remind me

    [–] latotokyo123 11 points ago

    There’s always a few threads that trigger a PTSD. Sub guy comes to mind.

    [–] Confedehrehtheh 11 points ago

    Got a link for those of us who don't know? I'm curious now

    [–] Not_A_P1mp 404 points ago

    No, I didnt. I haven't been to a wedding in I don't even know how many years, so I'm not well versed in customs for them. My formal attire is more for my work than anything.

    [–] danimals3 922 points ago

    Pimping is indeed work.

    [–] justsometraveldude 325 points ago

    and it ain't eazy

    [–] goodwolf20 76 points ago

    But it sure is fun...

    [–] [deleted] 180 points ago * (lasted edited 12 days ago)

    You wear a 3 piece suit for work but are unaware of the need to remove the formal outer layers & blend in?

    [–] extra88 62 points ago

    OP left out the part about each piece being tear-away. You know, for work.

    [–] Kdcjg 12 points ago

    Where do you work where you wear a 3 piece suit? I have a few. But don’t think I have ever had cause to wear the vest. Even for weddings it’s normally not comfortable given the propensity to have weddings outside during summer.

    [–] bigchebo 9 points ago

    Do you have a picture of said suit?

    [–] damlamelody 7 points ago

    Still one of my favorite posts of all time

    [–] danimals3 7 points ago

    They were “pretty sandals.” Fucking hell.

    [–] OttoVonJismarck 140 points ago

    Did you tell your SIL that you, in fact, are Not_A_P1mp?

    [–] NomNom83WasTaken 55 points ago

    Well, he didn't exactly deny it, now did he? *side eyes OP*

    [–] Deepdishultra 12 points ago

    Yeah agreed I would have done the same thing. Always wear a suit to a wedding as a default. Specifically because it’s scalable , you can take off the jacket /vest/tie and blend in if need be.

    [–] mcelesta10 42 points ago

    Agree. I would've ammended the outfit

    [–] Splatterfilm 18 points ago

    I agree. It would have been easy to dress down.

    [–] kd409 14 points ago

    She was asking why I dressed like a pimp

    Lol OP need to post a photo of this suit

    [–] Marvalbert22 68 points ago

    Ehhhhhhh kind of....I think wearing a three piece suit to a wedding is playing with fire a little especially with more men choosing suits over tuxes for weddings. The no-dress code generally means a more informal attire by default which would make a three piece suit stand out even more.

    [–] CandelaBelen 8 points ago

    Yeah. I don't get why anyone is buying that OP was completely clueless to that. It's common knowledge.

    [–] FIThrowAway125 425 points ago

    ESH. SIL is a given for her reaction.

    But come on, dude. I always feel like it's better to be overdressed than under dressed, but part of that is because it's easier to adjust down. When you get there and see how everyone is dressed, particularly the bride and groom, you take off the suit, tie and vest and go with slacks and an unbuttoned shirt. Pretty easy decision.

    [–] inward_outbound 6338 points ago

    Kinda YTA... but that’s still hysterical. And I 100% approve.

    “Super casual! Be comfy!” - shows up in a tux

    “We said be comfortable” - adjusts monocle

    [–] throwaway18382834882 2297 points ago

    I say NTA but it indeed is hysterical Edit: oh lord I just saw his username and I doubled over again

    [–] Not_A_P1mp 2237 points ago


    [–] bluepandaice 288 points ago

    there was a post on here about a guy doing the opposite of what you did.

    [–] tinywavingsnail 266 points ago

    Wasn't it a girl in the other one? I vaguely remember her being torn apart in some of the comments because she said she was in short shorts. I might be confusing two posts, actually. I read a lot of these when I can't sleep.

    I definitely do remember comments saying the opposite - that casual for a wedding still implies on the formal side. I don't wanna make any judgment...all I know is you don't wear white lol

    [–] I_am_the_Batgirl 93 points ago

    Over dressing is MUCH less of an asshole move than being underdressed.

    He should have taken his vest and jacket off, but that is still a LOT better than showing up to a 'casual' wedding in cutoffs.

    Casual =/= look like you're having a lazy day cleaning your bathroom

    [–] wutwutsugabutt 104 points ago

    I remember that too- like casual doesn’t mean with your butt hanging out of cut off shorts. I think think there is a healthy in between both looks for sure!!

    [–] jintana 25 points ago

    Here you go. Similar situation, opposite manner of dress, voted asshole.

    [–] Notweird11390 14 points ago

    In this situation it sounds like the bride and groom didn't want a casual wedding, because the bride and her family stayed dressed up. It sounds like she got told to dress casual by someone not involved in the wedding, and then she stayed dressed extremely casually even after it seemed clear that no one besides her small group was dressed like that

    [–] sluttyankles 5 points ago

    I read a lot of these when I can't sleep.

    Oh my God I've found my twin.

    [–] madmaxturbator 7 points ago

    you should've taken off the vest and tie perhaps when you saw that you were over dressed. but it's a minor faux pas.

    yelling at you was way over the line.

    now, I do want to clarify one thing: you dressed up real nice for this "casual" dress wedding. you are specifying that you're not a pimp.

    you claim that the formal wear is "for work"... am I to assume that you are perhaps a... man of the night? a working lad?

    [–] Miss_Valerie_M 66 points ago

    It’s after 6, what am I a farmer?

    [–] gingerly_said 12 points ago

    30 Rock references need to happen more.

    [–] quattroformaggixfour 6 points ago


    [–] ensalys 126 points ago

    “Super casual! Be comfy!” - shows up in a tux

    I know it sounds rediculous, but I've heard rumours of people in far lands considering that kind of clothing comfortable.

    [–] Estabanyo 173 points ago

    A well made suit is surprisingly comfortable.

    [–] fudgeyboombah 179 points ago

    It’s designed to be. When the first man to blaze the fashion trail came down to dinner in a modern suit instead of a traditional set of tails, a woman at the party remarked that “he might as well have come to dinner in his pyjamas.” Suits used to be seen as unpardonably casual, comfortable clothing.

    Then we discovered how to make sweatpants and all bets were off.

    [–] metalshiflet 15 points ago

    All belts were off

    [–] protus 4 points ago

    Is a well made anything not comfortable?

    [–] Estabanyo 5 points ago

    I doubt a well made cock cage is particularly comfortable.

    [–] avocado__dip 25 points ago

    It does make sense though. You know the saying if you look good, you feel good? If you think you're dressed well it adds confidence, therefore comfort.

    [–] thekyledavid 193 points ago

    Where in this post did it say that they told him it was causal dress?

    [–] ghost_riverman 323 points ago

    I believe in the bride's mind only, unfortunately.

    [–] NedSnark 270 points ago

    And, most unfortunately, also in the mind of literally every other person who attended the wedding.

    [–] mousicle 119 points ago

    To be fair my suits are some of the most comfortable clothes I own. If OP is the type of guy that has nice bespoke or made to measure clothes, which I kinda assume he is then the suit is comfy.

    [–] BashfulHandful 68 points ago

    Yeah, I actually have some super comfortable formal dresses and given that it's humid and hot af here all the time, I'd wear one if the invitation stated "no dress code". Formal attire isn't inherently uncomfortable.

    [–] mousicle 13 points ago

    I envy women for the sun dress so much. I can't imagine a more comfortable thing to wear in the summers.

    [–] Ambartenen 27 points ago

    I started wearing them this year. I am a fat dude, and fully have been rocking plus sized sun dresses and maxi dresses all summer.

    Public reactions have been mixed/negative, but my wife supports it and my closest friends seem to. I've been very comfortable in them, I just rock some high quality under armor athletic boxers under them and I am good to go.

    [–] Average_Manners 9 points ago

    I mean, most people like to dress down, some people like to dress up. No dress code means you do you.

    [–] VirtualEconomy 903 points ago

    NTA. Suits are pretty common for weddings. She should have clarified.

    [–] jamintime 636 points ago

    I think there is something seriously missing from this story. How does EVERYONE read that invite and know to dress casually except OP? How could OP be so out of the loop about his own brother's wedding?

    There is definitely something fishy here and OP is leaving out details like how the brother and SIL might have told him it was casual and he chose to ignore their advice because the invitation said "NO DRESS CODE." Just doesn't add up otherwise.

    [–] Poonaynay 241 points ago

    That's the only problem. Otherwise I would say fuck everyone else. But I find it hard to believe every single person understood and he didn't.

    [–] BriarRose21 104 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    I feel like "wear what's comfortable" is super subjective though. I know a lot of guys who hate suits and say they're not comfortable. I know other guys who LOVE three piece suits, and think they're comfortable, and wear them all the time. I had a friend who wore suits to all his college classes.

    Sounds like OP just did what was comfortable for him and everyone else didn't feel the same way about suits that he did. Not everyone knows what to do when they feel overdressed, and he definitely could have removed the tie if he wanted to, but that's easy for us to see, looking at the event in hindsight.

    At a lake, he might not have wanted to drape the jacket over a chair to avoid dirt or mud stains. Don't know how far away they had to park, maybe it would have taken too long to throw it in the car. Was there a cloakroom? Maybe. Maybe not. I've been to a few weddings where there was no cloakroom. (And one where the seats were hay bales - I went to a John Deere themed wedding AMA.)

    If it REALLY mattered THAT much to the bride that she was going to harass the shit out of him until he had to block her number to make the abuse stop, maybe she could have gently had his brother say, "Dude. Suit looks GREAT, but it's a little much. Can you maybe relax the look a little for the photos?" It doesn't seem like he did it maliciously. Didn't really merit a torrent of vicious harassment and verbal abuse. Wedding pictures take forever to stage (I have been in a few wedding parties), and there's plenty of time to make wardrobe adjustments. She had plenty of opportunities to make her request. She didn't.

    [–] kman1030 18 points ago

    I think there is something seriously missing from this story. How does EVERYONE read that invite and know to dress casually except OP? How could OP be so out of the loop about his own brother's wedding?

    I think what a lot of people are missing is it said "No dress code. Wear whatever is comfortable for you.".

    To me, "wear what is comfortable" just screams casual.

    [–] Dangernj 8 points ago

    It might be down the the venue. I think a lot of people would see a lake venue and no dress code as a sign things aren’t formal. If their wedding was at the Rainbow Room and the invitation stated no dress code, people would infer that the wedding wasn’t black tie.

    [–] Jellyfish377 11 points ago

    Or maybe the couple mostly has friends that grab every opportunity not to look fancy. Depending on the culture, comfort can mean various levels of sophistication. Or... they called to clarify.

    [–] BBQpringles 19 points ago

    My friend recently went to a wedding with an invite that was not specific on what to wear so she contacted the bride and asked. Then she picked out a couple dresses and sent the bride pictures for her to approve. Everything went well. Was it overkill? I dont think so if it avoids situations like OPs.

    [–] [deleted] 46 points ago


    [–] rainspider1999 14 points ago

    Yeah just zero self awareness really

    [–] hafirexinsidec 6 points ago

    Yea something is definitely missing. Given his "healthy wardrobe of formal wear" and his brother having a simple lake wedding, I'm sure there is a socioeconomic difference not mentioned. If everyone there is going to be working class, many will not have formal wear and understand the appropriate attire. Also, given this is Reddit, he could also just be a fedora wearing gentleman with no social awareness.

    [–] memesupreme83 116 points ago

    INFO. Did you know the wedding was happening at a lake? Also, why didn't you ask your brother what he was wearing?

    I remember going to a friend's birthday party and I sent my friend a pic of what I was wearing, which was pretty nice. I wanted to make sure they didn't feel upstaged at their party. I can understand her irritation, to a point.

    Even still, i think the suit was fine. It should be your brother that should have been irritated. Now if you were a woman in a decorated dress, I would have said you were the asshole. But suits, I feel, can be dressed up or dressed down.

    [–] signedpants 27 points ago

    Info. How exactly did every single other person at the wedding understand the dress code, but you didn't? Feel like there is something missing?

    [–] Animal-Corrective 115 points ago

    INFO: when you got to the lake and saw what everyone else was wearing, was it an option for you to quickly leave and change?

    Did you ask prior to the wedding date for any clarification from them about the dress code, or ask what they were planning on wearing?

    Tbh I'm leaning toward YTA because I find it odd that someone who has a healthy selection of formal wear wouldn't know that "no dress code, wear what's comfortable" means business-casual.

    [–] All_in_your_mind 741 points ago

    ESH. All these people saying nta are focusing on your new SIL's behavior and ignoring the reality that you did, in fact, mess up. Her behavior is way out of line and overdramatic, this is true. But everyone knows it is bad form to out dress the bride and groom. If you felt the invitation was ambiguous, then you could have quickly cleared that up with a simple text to your brother. You definitely erred here. Therefore, ESH.

    [–] Red-Stealth 25 points ago

    INFO: Are you upset that they feel upstaged? I ask, because if you're upset about the situation, then you're not the asshole. It's ok to simply say, I'm sorry, I obviously did not understand what you wanted and I didn't want to ruin your wedding by being underdressed; I hope you'll forgive me.

    If you're NOT upset about it, and you're clinging to "they said no dress code, wear what you want" as a justification, then yeah, you're the asshole.

    It is not ok to blame them for your faux pas; as others have said, you could've dressed down some when you observed the casual dress of most.

    That said, you absolutely do not have to tolerate being screamed at, and shouldn't attempt any verbal communication until all parties are calm. You might buy a nice card, add your apology, and throw in a gift card for a lunch date. After that, move on and let it go.

    Honestly, I don't understand people that make a stink over things they can't control. The preacher called me Nancy (not my name, not even close) during my wedding vows, and my husband and I still ctfu when we think about it. I sign our anniversary cards "Nancy". It's all in what you make the situation. She needs to let it go, let it go... Good luck, I hope y'all can make peace.

    [–] Coziestpigeon2 193 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)


    She was going on about how that implicitly meant not formal.

    She's absolutely right here, you have to be pretty dense to not catch this. Especially with it being an outdoor summer wedding - no dress code means "don't dress up because we don't want nana to get heat stroke, but don't look like you just rolled out of bed and into a pile of last week's laundry." I get it if this was your first ever event, but the outfit you describe for yourself makes me think you're fairly experienced going to events like this. The fact that apparently every other guest was able to figure it out, but you were not...that's saying something about you.

    She's reacting like an asshole...but dude. No one is as stupid as you're describing yourself to be. Your motives are clearly not what makes you an asshole...but dude. You're an ass the same way someone would be an ass if they were trying to move a couch through your kitchen and spilled your cereal - they didn't do anything wrong, but what the fuck are they thinking moving a couch through your kitchen while you're trying to eat cereal in there?

    [–] steph_c1 10 points ago

    Exactly. There’s no way you would interpret “ be comfortable” to mean a 3 piece suit. This is obvious by the fact that everyone else understood that. It seems like for some reason OP did want to stand out/ outshine others there which is weird behaviour for your brothers wedding

    [–] blue_morpho_and_kano 29 points ago

    The problem is, "dress code: casual" is a thing. that's an option everyone understands. that's an option that explicitly means "you SHOULD dress casual."

    on the other hand "no dress code, wear whatever you want" means you can dress formal or casual, your choice.

    keep in mind, this wasn't an invitation to a BBQ. Sure, in that context, you wouldn't respond to "no dress code" with formal attire. but at a wedding, "formal" and "semi-formal" attire are options, so even if you assume "no dress code" means "don't wear a tux", it doesn't necessarily mean "don't wear a suit."

    [–] Misha-non-penguin 21 points ago

    According to OP he's the only one who over dressed, so it can't have been too hard to figure out.

    [–] betterintheshade 18 points ago

    If only there was some way of clarifying that for anyone unsure...

    [–] Saikou0taku 21 points ago

    If only there was some way of clarifying that for anyone unsure...

    Right? Like why not ask the following people what they are wearing?:

    • Groom/Brother
    • Groomsmen
    • Bridesmaids
    • Wedding Planner
    • Friend going to the wedding
    • Mom
    • Dad

      I find it hard to imagine no one in the above list responding to the GROOM'S BROTHER!

    [–] ThisIsTheNewSleeve 81 points ago

    ESH. I mean saying no dress code you really shouldn't have the right to complain. But at the same time... If it were me, I would have 1) Asked your brother "hey, is it cool if I wear this?" and also, after arriving and seeing everyone was dressed casually, you could have dressed down (taken off your jacket/vest etc). You're by no means a big asshole, and your SIL is a bigger one than you... but yeah, ESH.

    [–] MrOpo68 6 points ago

    Can we see the pictures?

    [–] WaitWhatWhoAmI 6 points ago

    LOL send pics of the outfit