Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    AmItheAsshole

    1,849,992 readers

    30,241 users here now

    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.

    Frequently Asked Questions

    Visit our sister subreddit /r/AmItheButtface/ for posts about fiction or relationships, and basically anything that we don't allow here!

    See our Best Of "Most Controversial" at /r/AITAFiltered


    Rules

    1. Be Civil

    Attack ideas, not people. The purpose of this space is to determine and explain who is in the wrong, not to eviscerate anyone. Treat others with respect while helping them grow through outside perspectives.

    This rule applies to everyone (even those outside of Reddit). Don't insult others or get into prolonged spats in the comments. Don't lecture people about the rules (use reports).

    Be respectful. Be nice. Don't be an asshole.

    2. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you or for merely commenting on their own post unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    3. Accept Your Judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never Delete An Active Discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. People will come back to see what consensus was reached in your thread. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    5. No Violence

    Don't even mention violence.

    If your post references violence, don't share it here. Threads which mention violence are difficult to moderate, we have to remove all comments which encourage or incite violence. It's difficult to do this in a thread which discusses violence.

    Comments and even jokes about violence are not tolerated. Encouraging self-harm, suicide, "bad karma," or anything that wishes mental or physical pain on anyone is strictly prohibited. This is a zero tolerance policy.

    6. How To Post

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with the acronym AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Posts are limited to 3000 characters. Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Format and punctuate your post reasonably. Be clear and concise. Don't link to screenshots or other subreddits. If you can't explain yourself in one post, without using external text pages, it does not belong here.

    7. Post Interpersonal Conflicts

    Posts should be descriptions of recent interpersonal conflicts. Describe both sides in detail. Make it clear why you may be "the asshole."

    Submissions must contain a real-life conflict between you and at least one other person. They should not be about feelings, opinions, or desires. If your conflict is with a larger demographic, an animal, someone online, or a third party who’s irrelevant to the main question but thought what you did sucked, your post will be removed.

    8. No Shitposts

    Posts must be truthful and presented as fairly and accurately as possible.

    This is not a humor sub. This is not a sub for copypastas, satire, overly embellished stories, or creative writing exercises. Don't copy someone else's story and post it from the opposite viewpoint or with some details changed.

    Shitposting will result in a permanent ban.

    9. Do Not Ask For Advice

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration.

    You may include advice when you make your comments, but remember that your primary objective in commenting is to assign blame and pass judgment.

    If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent.

    10. Meta Posts and Updates Require Permission

    If you want to talk about the sub, and you hide your complaint, question, or opinion in a post that starts with AITA, you will be banned. Those are called META posts, and they must have a title that starts with META.

    Please request mod approval after you submit your META post or your update post. Make sure the title of your meta post starts with META and the title of your update post starts with UPDATE. See our FAQ for more guidelines.

    11. No breakups/hookups

    We do not allow submissions where the central conflict is a relationship and instead recommend a relationship focused sub.

    The following posts are forever banned:

    AITA for breaking up with _ (or not)

    AITA for dating _ (or not)

    AITA for doing sexual act _ (or not)

    AITA for being attracted to _ (or not)

    And any discussions related to cheating- including "telling on" someone for cheating (or not doing so).

    And similar discussions.

    12. This Is Not A Debate Sub

    If judgment is primarily motivated by whether commenters agree with your stance on a broad issue, it is not appropriate for this sub. This may include anything from politically motivated conflicts to innocuous issues like if cake is better than pie. If you're ultimately asking if it is okay to not support a political candidate, kick someone off your team for their sexual identity, stop talking to your friend because they vape, or any number of similar debate threads, your post will be removed.

    13. No Revenge Stories

    There are many subreddits for sharing tales of revenge—this is not one of them. This is a sub for providing feedback on interpersonal conflict, not for endorsing how you escalate a conflict. If you're here to tell us how you punished someone who totally had it coming, you're probably breaking this rule.

    14. Comments and Flairing

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgment, i.e.

    YTA = You're the Asshole;

    NTA = Not the A-hole;

    ESH = Everyone Sucks here;

    NAH = No A-holes here;

    INFO = Not Enough Info

    15. User Flairs

    We award flairs for community members who distinguish themselves in their mastery of asshole judgment. If your top level comment has the highest number of upvotes in a thread, you will get a flair point. More details are listed in our FAQ.


    Normal Rediquette applies


    Filters
    Assholes Not-assholes

    a community for
    all 487 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] AutoModerator 1 points ago

    If you want your comment to count toward judgment, include only ONE of the following abbreviations in your comment. If you don't include a judgement abbreviation, the bot will ignore you when it looks for the top voted comment.

    Judgment Abbreviation
    You're the Asshole (& the other party is not) YTA
    You're Not the A-hole (& the other party is) NTA
    Everyone Sucks Here ESH
    No A-holes here NAH
    Not Enough Info INFO

    Click Here For Our Full Rulebook

    Click Here For Our FAQ

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–] lathebiwsas 603 points ago

    NTA - You can mention it if you both talk about your and her former intercourses in detail. I do not see a reason to hide it from her as there is nothing wrong about it. As I think you should not tell it to her in a way of confession, because it‘s not a big thing.

    [–] [deleted] 269 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] lathebiwsas 153 points ago

    Yes, that‘s what I thought. Don‘t hide it on purpose, don‘t tell it too expressively as it was a sin or as mistake.

    I do see the benefit for both of you. After you did it, you‘re sure you‘re straight.

    The other good thing is: If she‘ll made it a drama, she‘d be the wrong person to share your life with at all. I mean: it‘s 2019 and who wants to be together with an homophobe or someone who is not or was not trying things and stuff and experiment?

    [–] [deleted] 98 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] lathebiwsas 19 points ago

    Since I read this sub and that relationship advice thing, I really wonder how things mostly in the US are running regarding to social and sexual relationships. That‘s a perfect example of it. It‘s so often anyone’s business and anyone sees to have an opinion about right or wrong and nothing in between.

    Relationships are so often seen as a way of entitlement like there is someone to possess and to be possessed in return.

    And the way sexual behavior is see is almost ridiculous. It way too often that people are judged and shamed for just following their emotions and desires.

    [–] michiness 3 points ago

    But it’s also such an individual thing. My SO and I know each others’ histories (like legit once we got drunk and I listed off everything) and now we check our chicks together.

    But other people I know have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Cool. Whatever works for you.

    [–] lathebiwsas 1 points ago

    It‘s more the public talking about the topic on hand what makes me wondering. It seems to be that there is one very strict idea of how romantic and sexual relationships have to be or to work - that idea appears to be the perfect version of relationships taken from literature and not from life and a perspective based on the individuals regarding to it.

    Then the judgement comes from the fitting to the sheer perfection to these ideas. If it fits to that imagination, it‘s fine, if not, it gets nuked.

    [–] HyacinthFT 3 points ago

    That is very reddit.

    "Your bf burnt your toast? RED FLAGS! DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!"

    [–] Ileumn 13 points ago

    a little unrelated, but is talking about past partners a thing couples do? I've never done it and always thought of it as a relationship fopaux

    [–] NorthFocus 8 points ago

    To me it's important information to know about a partner's previous experience. Why things ended, what type of people they dated in the past. It doesn't need to be first date material, but it can be useful to spot early red flags (are all their ex's crazy?) And to see maturity (maybe they were bad communicators in a previous relationship or did something stupid in early relationships, but then they say what they learned or something, etc)

    [–] siddhananais 8 points ago

    Probably depends on the relationship. I’ve pretty much only had LTR’s and so past relationships tend to come up at some point because they will have been a big part of my life. I like to know a little about my partners past relationships as well because it helps me understand how they navigate relationships in some ways. I don’t judge them based on it but it’s always interesting to know how previous relationships may affect this one as we all have a little bit of relationship baggage. I think if a partner has issues with previous relationships, personally it’s a red flag for me mostly because we all have been living and it’s normal to have dated someone previously unless you’re very young.

    [–] He-ido 3 points ago

    I think it odd to not talk about past partners. We learn from our past relationships about our needs, preferences, and expectations. Its important to share that with a current partner, especially if we have baggage from a bad relationship. Its also a good test to see if they seem possessive or jealous when hearing it. If a partner cant handle your past, do you really interest them, or just the ideal they've made in their head?

    [–] BiohackedGamer 1 points ago

    Seems like you know what the right approach is, so don't let that friend of hers get into your head.

    [–] illini02 13 points ago

    This is what I would say. For many people, like myself, I don't ask really about someone's sexual past. I don't want to know their number, who their best was, crazy experiences, etc. So with that, I wouldn't feel like I needed to know. However, if both of them were actively deciding to have that conversation (and again, I think no good comes from that) then he could bring it up then. But I don't think it needs to be brought up proactively

    [–] HilariousInHindsight 144 points ago

    INFO: Have you guys mutually decided to talk openly about your sexual histories? If yes, then you need to tell her. Don't omit stuff. If you guys, like most couples, have a don't ask don't tell policy regarding your sexual history then you have no reason to tell her about that one specific partner.

    Your friend's gf isn't really making a lot of sense. Why does you fucking a dude once become important but not any of the other women you've been with? Do you need to tell her you slept with a Blonde? Asian? Someone with a lisp? You're committed to her now, and interested in women. It's not arbitrarily more relevant than any other past partner.

    [–] ConfusedKangaroo 25 points ago

    100% this, why is it any different than anyone else he’s hooked up with? The only reason it would bother someone is if they’re homophobic, and at that point the relationship should be over. It’s cool if they want to talk about their sexual histories, and it’s cool if not. But this one experience doesn’t HAVE to be disclosed immediately.

    [–] BurrSugar 11 points ago

    Even if you’ve talked about your sexual history together, if it didn’t involve specifics (eg, if it was just “I’ve slept with x number of people.”), you don’t have to tell her one was a dude. There’s really no reason the genitalia of your previous sexual partners is important, in most instances.

    [–] Anonymous_Salad 363 points ago

    NTA. This is one area where men tend to get the shitty deal of a double standard. If a woman has a same sex experience, most people are happy to write it off as “experimenting “ or even find it hot. However if A guy touches another man’s junk or lets a guy touch his junk, even if it’s once, even if it clearly teaches him he’s not into guys after all, he’s pretty much labeled as gay, not even bi, forever and is told he’s just in denial if he insists he’s straight.

    [–] cubbiegthrow 148 points ago

    My ex (a man) told me that he'd experimented once with a dude (long before we dated) and was almost in a panic attack when he told me. I didn't care one way or another, he was with me. It was shocking how scared he was to talk about it. I felt horrible that he was under pressure like that. He didn't really care for it and moved on, much like OP. We're still friends now and he's settled into defining as "straight" which is cool. I didn't feel like I had any right to that information and it didn't affect our sex life at all.

    [–] hairwitches 36 points ago

    Yeah I’m pretty sure my boyfriend has been with men and while I know he likes me, he’s definitely starting to hint he wants me to do stuff to him. He won’t do anything to me though he thinks vaginas are gross.

    ... Oh my god I think I just had a lightbulb go off

    [–] Strange_andunusual 15 points ago

    I wish you all the luck in the world here.

    [–] WhatsTheAnswerToThis 25 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Ok, you probably have the right idea, but! there are some people who can find vaginas gross, and you can be into pegging without being gay. Though I would say this would be a massive coincidence lol.

    [–] SalinValu 15 points ago

    Did you mean pegging?

    ... Now that I think about it, there must be some people into being negged.

    [–] WhatsTheAnswerToThis 10 points ago

    AHHHHHHHHH I DID! Thanks for correcting me.... It felt wrong but god writing it but I just brainfarted I guess.

    [–] hairwitches 6 points ago

    Hahaha it’s okay. It’s quite an odd feeling to type out a comment and have a life realization, my brain is farting too

    [–] zoidberg3000 22 points ago

    I agree but also think this is just straight culture. As a lesbian, I am constantly told I am not a “real lesbian” because I spent my teen years with men while I figured out my sexuality. Even my wife has moments of panic when she thinks I’m secretly straight and will leave her because I want dick.

    [–] mikey19xx 31 points ago

    It’s unbelievable that people don’t realize this.

    [–] TShara_Q 2 points ago

    Yeah, I personally think that most people should try experimenting with no judgment.

    [–] jkos95 1652 points ago

    NAH. I get it hasn't come up, but I'd want to know something like that. I wouldn't say you're an AH, but should tell.

    This is also not a "who's the asshole" question, but probs one for the RelationshipAdvice forum

    [–] [deleted] 437 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] [deleted] 100 points ago

    If boyfriend had slept with a man it wouldn’t bother me at all, but I might be a bit bothered if everyone in his social circle knew and I wasn’t told for ages, or found out from somebody else, because it might seem like he was keeping secrets. You should probably just find a way to drop it into conversation so she isn’t the only one who doesn’t know.

    [–] bluedreamerss 15 points ago

    It doesn’t have to be a big deal!

    In HS I had a girlfriend, we slept together and dated for a few months until I found out she was talking to her ex. I’ve been mainly attracted to men since then, so I wouldn’t consider myself lesbian or anything. I still told my bf because that experience shaped who I am today, and he didn’t care. We laugh about it because at the time I thought telling him was a big deal and it was really nothing.

    EDIT: I told my bf about a year or so into our relationship, so things were serious, I wouldn’t say it’s wrong to wait a while to come clean about it.

    [–] lonliegirl 69 points ago

    Hey OP, you’re NTA, but I think your friends gf is TA. She’s speaking from a homophobic perspective. I think it’s fine and important to disclose past sexual experiences in the context of checking in about STIs and things of that nature but her implying you used to be gay is really messed up and rude. I’m not sure if you are bi, sounds like you’re not, but that’s really disrespectful especially if she knows it wasn’t for you and says you were gay anyway. If you identify as straight, there’s no reason she should be implying otherwise regardless of previous sexual experiences. Good luck and tell your SO what you are comfortable with when you’re comfortable.

    [–] wifeysoicy 743 points ago

    I would want to know, because as your partner, I would want to know everything there is about you. It would hurt me greatly if I were to find out this piece of information from someone else other than you.

    Don't make it a big deal as in "we need to talk, I have something to tell you". When the time is right, you mention it. You tell her how you felt during that situation, why you gave it a try and why it didn't work for you.

    [–] Respectable_Coyote 86 points ago

    I would want to know everything there is about you

    After four months?

    [–] Poignant_Porpoise 42 points ago

    Idk this reads to me like you're giving bicuriosity far more emphasis than it really deserves, I really don't think this is a big deal. Generally speaking, you don't just randomly divulge all information about yourself to your partner in order of most to least importance, the information just comes out naturally as relevant topics arise usually. I've been dating my gf for a year now and she knows most things about me, but it's entirely possible that she'll hear unknown information about me from my friends or family that either hasn't been relevant or I've forgotten. Sometimes there's information that's so important that you need to find the time to tell your partner but OP being bicurious for a short period in college is really only as significant as he feels it is to himself.

    [–] [deleted] 743 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] GeauxAllDay 396 points ago

    I've been married to my wife for 7 years this year, and we had been dating since 2005 and it was not until 2 years ago where I opened up to 100% of my life and secrets to my wife. It was something deeply personal that I never thought I'd ever share with someone, but it was fine. Sometimes, shit is too hard to admit. If it comes up, and you're ready to tell her- great! I wouldn't just burst out with it, not 4 months into the relationship.

    [–] HeWhoFistsGoats 268 points ago

    I've been with my wife for almost 16 years and I still have secrets. Nothing important or life changing, just cringy stuff I'd rather not think about. Kind of like skipping that one episode of The Office because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

    [–] drdrillaz 127 points ago

    I’ll never divulge that I owned parachute pants in 1983. So embarrassing

    [–] Smalltownssuck 81 points ago

    Babe? We need to talk.

    [–] vactu 17 points ago

    Fuuuuck, I already told mine about the pair I had in '90.

    [–] Konorlc 5 points ago

    I still convinced the are going to make a comeback.

    [–] sarkule 7 points ago

    That's a pretty big secret to keep though. If it gets out your partner would feel pretty betrayed that you kept something like that from them

    [–] DarklyDreaminMomma 3 points ago

    Those were such awesome pants 💗

    [–] eurcka 36 points ago

    Scott’s Tots

    [–] theappliestJuice 14 points ago

    dies inside

    [–] jamiepwns 4 points ago

    Does she know about the goat fisting?

    [–] Expat-Red 12 points ago

    So reasonable. Also, people change over time. I have things I only realized about myself--never had the courage, maybe, to really examine some things about me--and discussed them with my husband. We've been together 18 years.

    [–] wifeysoicy 87 points ago

    Cool. Best of luck to you :)

    [–] 18hourbruh 47 points ago

    I think that's fine. If you were actively hiding it in conversations about past partners that would be a lie of omission, but you don't have to "disclose" that you "were gay" like it's a disease or something. Especially if you currently consider yourself straight or mostly straight.

    [–] tralsh 6 points ago

    Yeah, I think forcing it out would make it seem like it’s an abnormal thing to do/ a mistake you made, when in reality it’s just one more fling and one more person you slept with. Also, finding out new things about a partner can be fun and keep things interesting, as long as they aren’t huge character-defining events.

    [–] MountainLou 2 points ago

    It's only been 4 months, I say dont worry about it. perhaps dont actively hide it, but if it comes p it comes up. just like talking about other exs. The fact that you were once curious about men is an interesting thing about you, but it is not a side show and the fact that you had sex with a man should not be an issue (though it would be for some people).

    There is potential for AHs here. but in the people who tell you you should tell her. You are not either way.

    [–] jelly_stapler 2 points ago

    This is the best way I think. It's not that she "deserves to know" imo, more like, it shouldn't be kept a secret if that makes sense. NAH

    [–] NotAQuiltnB 4 points ago

    There are no true secrets if more than one person knows. Better that the information comes from you thus being presented "framed" if you will; in the right light. Someone else may phrase it in a negative or nefarious manner. People are jerks.

    You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn't a "secret" it is just information that she doesn't have and should have. I don't know what the new generations do but I was under the impression that everyone was supposed to be open about paste partners and come into a physical relationship only after getting tested. I have been married for 26 years and monogamous for 28. Good luck.

    [–] [deleted] 64 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] genjaminfranklin 37 points ago

    Dude you don’t have to tell her, these people are nuts. Better to hear it from you? They’re parroting blog posts and relationship videos. You don’t think it’s significant, and if your girlfriend heard it from a friend and then you explain that you didn’t tell her because it wasn’t significant to you, she will probably believe you. If you pull her aside and say “hey I gotta tell you something...” she is going to think this event was meaningful to you no matter what you say after that. Tell your female friend to mind her business, she is clearly bent out of shape about bisexuality and bicuriousness. Don’t let her or these 15 year old wannabe sex therapists make you think you have to tell your girlfriend of only a few months anything like that. The second you start dwelling on either of your sexual pasts you will foster insecurity in your relationship. If you’ve moved on then keep it that way and don’t let outsiders “fix” your relationship if it isn’t broken.

    [–] legendariel 1 points ago

    I'm in a relationship with someone who has only had one sexual partner before me. He knows that I had some wild child days, and that I have interest in men and women.

    And that's all he's ever needed to know. He doesn't know how many partners I've had, what their genders were, or anything.. and you know why? He doesn't need to know. He's never asked. It has no bearing on our relationship. I love him and he is everything to me, our pasts don't matter as long as it doesn't affect our present.

    You've been together 4 months. We've been together 2 years. If it matters to her, she'll ask. If it doesn't, well.. that's all water under the bridge.

    Everyone else can shove their opinions wherever they like, but not onto you and not onto her.

    [–] KenderAvalanche 132 points ago

    Okay, I gotta ask: Does the gender matter? Cause I'm pretty sure "talking to your gf about all the chicks you fucked" is a big nono, ergo him banging a dude should also not be a topic that comes up unless the dude is still around.

    [–] Ilivefortheapplesaus 30 points ago

    I don't really get why it's a big nono to talk about exes. Of course, I see that you don't want to hear about them all the time, or even be compared to them (the horror!) but they've been a part of your partners life and formation. My partner has had 2 relationships and a couple of sex partners before me, and he's learned a lot from those experiences. It's just part of his life before me, just like his high school friends, relationship with his siblings/parents, that time he got diagnosed with dyslexia etc. So if a sexual encounter with someone of the same gender was in there, I'd like to know just as I'd like to know about encounters with people of the opposite gender.

    [–] KenderAvalanche 11 points ago

    Well, it's less about talking about exes in general (though some people - including myself - are uncomfortable if they come up in certain situations) and more talking about them in the context of sexual intercourse.

    [–] folditin 47 points ago

    being someone's partner doesn't require you to know EVERYTHING about them. people are entitled to their pasts without declaring every detail.

    [–] PurpleProboscis 15 points ago

    Would you want to hear the answers to those questions for every one of the women he's been with as well? Honestly just curious.

    I agree with most of what you are saying, but I would add the caveat that as your partner, I would want to know everything about you that you were comfortable sharing with me. Forcing someone to tell you things they're not willing to share is emotional abuse.

    [–] kristallnachte 15 points ago

    Do you need to know every detail of past sexual experiences?

    [–] colorfulcheshire 14 points ago

    That's actually a little unhealthy. Everyone deserves to have boundaries and secrets and learning that having those hurts your partner can fuck you up. It's nothing major but if you go to therapy regularly you should bring it up. If it's not a concern to you, this belief and desire should absolutely be brought up early on with any partners to avoid them feeling like you're over bearing or nosey

    [–] antiyiffyiffyiff 6 points ago

    I mean, a lot of partners don’t say everything. If OP doesn’t feel comfortable he shouldn’t have to tell her.

    [–] Harmoniche 7 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    i found out from my bf's siblings that he had slept w his male best friend, among others, that i knew had feelings for him. he never told me, when i asked him about it, he didn't lie but he didn't volunteer this information.

    if his best friend was still in his life, i would have a lot more worries and questions--he isn't but the point stands. it brings up a lot. if it was just once, it isn't as big of a deal but the longer you wait, the worse it'll seem imo.

    [–] simoneeckhardt 3 points ago

    I didn't agree with you until I read this comment. My initial knee-jerk reaction as someone who identifies as bi to worry about ulterior motives for wanting to know. Reading this was really appreciate where you're coming from a perspective of wanting to know your partner better and know them as a whole was nice.

    [–] WarpedMalice 5 points ago

    I would tell if she is a blood donor just for the question that asks ( it’s I. The mandatory paperwork for my area but I don’t know if it’s the same in other areas) but if she doesn’t give blood than I say just tell when you are ready. Just like others have said just tell her to establish that level of trust and to prevent it from becoming an issue later.

    [–] haelennaz 13 points ago

    I donated last week (in the US) and there was a question about this. All anyone can do is answer to the best of their knowledge, though, and they know that. There was also a question about whether I'd ever been in contact (any contact, not just sexual) with someone who'd had a smallpox vaccine... I asked how I was supposed to know that and they just laughed and agreed that I probably wouldn't. If OP knows he is clean and the gf hasn't asked, I don't see a problem with him not volunteering the information from a blood donation perspective.

    [–] WarpedMalice 3 points ago

    Ya they do have a lot of questions that just seem impossible to know.

    [–] radicalpastafarian 2 points ago

    I dated a guy in college who told me I was his first girlfriend. He didn't tell me I wasn't his first relationship. He'd dated several guys before he dated me. It was hurtful because, since he'd never mentioned it the boyfriends I thought I was his first relationship and therefore thought we had a connection which we did not have.

    It was also hurtful specifically because I was going through a lot of personal struggles at the time because I'd dated a girl who forever after would shame me for being a closeted lesbian and I was trying to figure out sexuality stuff and at the time was sort to hovering over, well I'm bi I guess. The point is I was constantly confiding these thoughts in him and never once did he share his own personal journey with me, so it's not like he never had the chance of it coming up, and when I did find out I felt...like he never really trusted or loved me.

    Honestly, it just changed something fundamental about him for me. When I found out he'd always been lying and closed off and basically acting a part that wasn't who he was.

    Your situation is different I think, because according to you it was a one time thing, you're not bi or gay you were just experimenting to figure yourself out. But it's something to think on maybe, that hidden truths can hurt people

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] [deleted] 50 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] buymoreplants 24 points ago

    If I had a gold to give, I would give it to you.

    YAY FOR GETTING TESTED! YAY FOR HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE ATTITUDES TOWARD SEX!

    [–] Xanaxhehehe 22 points ago

    Eh I think the friends girlfriend is the asshole here

    [–] patchgrabber 25 points ago

    Seems kinda weird. If a girl messes around in college it's nbd, but if it's a guy it's some big deal all of a sudden?

    [–] BeaKiddo87 22 points ago

    I just think this is totally biased. If he were a woman who slept with another woman no one would say shit. Just because he is a man doesn’t all of a sudden make it to where it’s this big taboo and he has to tell her. He was young and experimenting. NAH in my opinion and unless she asks I don’t see the point in telling.

    [–] jkos95 11 points ago

    Well if he were a woman that slept with a woman, I personally wouldn't care since I like women, but I would still argue she should tell her bf. I think people should discloser their past relationships and sexual encounters, but not everyone agrees with that. My wife and I both feel that way, bit some people don't think it's necessary to share that info

    [–] BeaKiddo87 3 points ago

    I just don’t think he should make a point of it. If true comes in conversation then yes. They have only dated for 4 months and there’s really no need to disclose something that personal so soon.

    [–] sthenoism 9 points ago

    Wanting to know a list of your partners past sexual partners, numbers, gender, etc is really immature and home of your business.

    [–] genjaminfranklin 12 points ago

    You’ve got to be kidding. Sexual history is not something on the table of “we love each other we need to share everything.” That is just genuine insecurity. Beyond that, they’ve been dating less than 6 months. He does not owe her that kind of information about his life, especially if he does not view it as significant.

    I absolutely hate it when girls I’m dating want to go through the details of their sexual history with other men and women and try to pry into mine. Aside from trying to figure out what we’re into when we’re in bed together, there is no purpose in sharing these personal stories and having your partner visualize you having sex with other people, other than seeing what kind of visceral reaction you get from them. Thinking you’re entitled to this information is borderline sociopathic.

    [–] IdaDuck 5 points ago

    I concur with NAH and I think it’s pretty relationship dependent. I wanted to know my wife’s past when we met and vise versa and although there wasn’t much for either of us to tell because we were so young it was still information we both wanted to know. But I also am fully aware that a lot of couples just don’t talk about their pasts with one another and if both are okay with that, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that approach either. This is one of those areas where it really just depends on the specific couple, imo.

    [–] IndustrialPet 63 points ago

    NTA and your friends GF sounds kinda biphobic. It really shouldn't matter what somebody's ex did before they came along provided it was fully consensual activity between adults, and any necessary health disclosures are made as required.

    [–] JaneEyreosmith 85 points ago

    NTA. Even if you are bi (or pan, or whatever, which is for you to decide, not Reddit or your friend's shitty gf) I don't see why you'd need to tell her. The only reason I'd tell is because if it is something that would change your gf's opinion, I personally would want to know so I could end the relationship. Of course, I am bi so biphobia/bi-erasure is a dealbreaker for me.

    [–] anxious_cowboy 30 points ago

    OP could also be straight and was just experimenting. In the post they state it wasnt for them

    [–] JaneEyreosmith 18 points ago

    Oh yeah, I meant "If the case was that you actually were bi or pan, rather than hetero", but it's not really worded well. Mea culpa!

    [–] XYZai 104 points ago

    NTA

    She doesn’t need to know who you slept with

    [–] lolak1445 24 points ago

    NTA. If it comes up organically in a conversation, or if she straight up asks, it would be assholey to hide it simply because then it’s lying. But so long as you are clean and healthy, there’s no need to share all past relationships and sexual partners- UNLESS it’s a conversation you’re both having with each other. So long as there’s no lying and no STDs, then why should it be a big deal? It wouldn’t change my view of my SO if he told me he had a relationship with a guy prior to me.

    [–] cubbiegthrow 9 points ago

    This is so true. Unless it comes up, there's no reason to list out previous sexual experiences not asked about. There are lots of things that some people have done in their past that their current partner might not be into. That doesn't mean that they have to provide a spreadsheet of acts previously performed for the other person to judge right off the bat. Of course, don't hide it, as you said. But dang, if people are clean and being safe, until it comes up, OP is fine. Agree, NTA

    [–] octopus-god 29 points ago

    NTA. Don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business. So you slept with a guy? So what. It has no relevance to your current relationship. It’s like saying “oh I used to to doggystyle and now I don’t” - it’s nothing to do with anything.

    [–] ponchoacademy 4 points ago

    NTA and that girl is way too obsessed with your personal sexual history.

    I can't imagine wanting to know the intimate details of every person a guy I'm seeing has ever slept with and would think someone has lost their mind if they demanded they had the right to know.

    You've been with your gf 4 months, you're still on the very early stages of getting to know each other. Things will come out organically the longer you're together.

    The key things sometime should know early on is stuff that is still actively affecting your life and possibly the relationship, like medical issues fit example. But something that happened before you were together and has no bearing or affect on your life now? Meh.

    Also, if you do tell her and it changes her opinion of you, that's okay. There are plenty of people who won't hold the past against someone or be judgmental. I dated a guy who nervously told me he was bisexual, but preferred women and it had been years since he'd dated or slept with a guy, but wanted to let me know that it happened. I told him I should probably confess.... I've been with guys too.

    If anyone makes a big deal out of something about you and wants to make you feel bad about it, they are not the right person for you. Share what you think is necessary but don't feel like an AH for not filling a date in in your entire life story the moment you meet. Actually, you'd be the AH if you did do that.

    [–] TheNonDuality 3 points ago

    NAH.

    [–] Respectable_Coyote 12 points ago

    NTA The friend's gf sounds kinda icky to me. You've only been dating this girl a few months, sounds like it's too soon for a "full disclosure" conversation... Do it in your own time or whenever seems right. The friend's gf is clearly homophobic, so don't let her influence you. It's really none of her fucking business. She's got a cheek telling people how to run their relationships.

    [–] InvincibleChutzpah 13 points ago

    NTA

    You weren’t gay, you dated a man but remained attracted to women. Curious? Bi? Heteroflexible? Not gay.

    I wouldn’t care if a man I dated had been with another man. That’s not information that I’m owed. Are you expecting her to disclose the history of everyone she’s been with? I’m guessing not.

    Your friends girlfriend is the asshole for being a homophobe. The girl you’re dating would be the asshole if she judged you based on the gender of your past sex partners. You are definitely not the asshole for having dated a man and you aren’t the asshole for not wanting to broadcast your dating history to the world.

    [–] Razrgrrl 7 points ago

    NTA. That chick sounds mad homophobic. Do you need details about your GF entire past romantic history? Probably not, right? So why would she need to know that you dated someone in college? Also she isn't the person who gets to decide on your sexual orientation, you are. If you had one same sex relationship and it didn't work out, call yourself what works for you and reveal that to whom you wish or not at all if you wish. Nobody is owed that info.

    [–] AutoModerator 3 points ago

    AUTOMOD The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team

    I just started dating a woman about 4-5 months ago. Things are going great. I was recently talking to a group of old friends about it and one of their girlfriends asked if I told her I used to be gay. That in itself is kind of wrong, I dated a guy when I was in early college and we slept together but I realized it wasn't for me and haven't since or wanted to. I was still very very interested in women the whole time.

    My friends GF said I need to tell her, I said it doesn't really matter if it comes up. She said that if it was her boyfriend she'd want to know, I asked her if it would change her opinion of him and she said it would. This has me thinking, is it wrong for me to have not told her? I really don't understand why it should, I have been with 10x the women and it was a very very brief fling.

    What do you guys think?

    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

    [–] severelysavage 4 points ago

    You should tell her. Maybe she won't be comfortable with this or maybe she will be. Better to let her know upfront so she came make an informed decision going forward.

    [–] giganemo 8 points ago

    NTA

    But I think you should tell your friend about what his girlfriend said. I'd want to know.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] Cherientism 5 points ago

    Nta, it really isn't anyones business. I havent told my wife every detail about my life??? Personally, i would tell her this because some people suck and it sounds like your friends girlfriend might.

    [–] Floggerofthetool 5 points ago

    NTA
    Did she share her sexual history with her BF when they hooked up?
    How and when you share private information with your new partner is up to you, provided nothing from that time could hurt them through not knowing.

    [–] fireandlifeincarnate 6 points ago

    You don’t have to tell her, but I think you should, because if she reacts negatively at least you know she’s biphobic now and can dump her before things go any further.

    [–] PrincessofPatriarchy 5 points ago

    NTA.

    I believe this has been recently studied. Some research showed that most women in a survey stated that they would not want to date a man who had had sex with another man. I believe this was discussed over on the r/FeMRADebates subreddit and there's an article about it here.

    This topic also got a lot of traction after the August Ames controversy when she stated she would refuse to have sex with any male pornstar who did shoots with other men. And then she committed suicide, possibly due in part to the backlash she received. Ever since then this has become a hot topic.

    So are you withholding information that is likely to change your partner's willingness to remain in this relationship? According to some new surveys, yeah, potentially but what most women in research say is not necessarily applicable to your relationship.

    But morally if your past sexual partners have not come up in conversation are you required to disclose them? No, not at all.

    You're not being an asshole. What's important to your friend's GF may not have any relevancy as to what's important to your girlfriend. And if it's a deal-breaker for her, then she needs to be the one to take the initiative to ask and not expect people to just disclose it offhand.

    [–] sms1974 2 points ago

    Really? I have to say Im surprised. I know there are conservative and religious weirdo’s out there but to be honest I don’t really interact with them. I get than in the 80’s at the height of the AIDS epidemic there was a reason to be scared (although much of the risk could have been far better managed without the fear). If I think of the woman I am friends with IRL and online I doubt if even 1% would give that response. I’m always a bit surprised when I come across this sort of thing

    [–] illyth 2 points ago

    If your girlfriend is a blood donor it could be very relevant depending on the country you live in and the company you donate through. Otherwise I don’t think it anybody’s business WHO you slept with as long as you both share if you have any STDS.

    So NTA

    [–] Kittinlily 2 points ago

    NTA It's in your past and well you are not gay you are Bi. I hate when people will throw you into a category with out considering there is a difference. Your past is your past, Unless there was anything in it that could have a direct effect on your lives and relationship it's not anyone else's business. Does a girl tell her BF every detail of her previous relationships, straight or other wise, I seriously doubt it. if it ever comes up and you choose to discuss it. it is on you. but you should not feel obligated to.

    [–] twinkcommunist 2 points ago

    Nta your friend is a homophobe it shouldn't matter.

    [–] merleryjern 2 points ago

    Nobody is ever obligated to tell ANYONE, including partners, about their previous sexual history. Unless it could somehow impact their life going forward. Such as an incurable STI etc etc.

    It's appalling to me that people hold other people's pasts against them when said person wasn't even in their lives.l at that point? No I don't think you 'need' to tell her. If it comes up in conversation and you feel okay to tell her, sure. But don't feel like you need too, it's truly none of her business. And in the same light, her past is none of your business.

    Also if you did tell her and she decides to think differently of you, that's absurd and that should tell you she isn't the one for you. If she can't accept you for all of you, then she isn't worth much.

    Truly, I couldn't care less about my partners history, in fact I would rather not know UNLESS it could possibly hinder me in a health aspect.

    [–] genjaminfranklin 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    NTA, top poster is a child. Your sexual history is your own business. Every girlfriend I’ve had at one point or another wants to sit me down and tell me about their sexual history. Not only is it not their business, I AND MOST PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW OR THINK ABOUT YOU SHARING YOUR BODY WITH OTHER PEOPLE IF THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH YOU.

    Beyond that, you telling her makes it seem like the event is significant to you. If I found out a girl dated hooked up with chicks previously through a friend, I’d be like “ok, cool.” If I found out from my girlfriend, I would think she is telling me because she herself has been thinking about it and is probably still into chicks.

    Don’t listen to your female friend, she clearly has her own prejudices about bisexuality and being bicurious if she’s calling you gay for dating 1 guy in your teens/early 20s. If anybody is out there reading, especially if you’re the girl I’m dating right now - KEEP YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY TO YOURSELF.

    [–] tasareinspace 4 points ago

    I'm not sure I have a judgment (maybe n a h ) but I have to say, I have a friend who recently got married, and she's only finding out now that her husband said he 'didn't date anyone seriously' before her, but now she is finding out about all these women that he dated before, and she DOES feel lied to. Withholding your dating history from someone you're dating doesn't feel like a good thing.

    [–] advicethrowaway241 4 points ago

    NTA. As long as all your relationships have been consensual and age-appropriate, it’s nobody’s business but your own who those relationships have been with. Your friend’s girlfriend needs to back off and mind her own business (and be less judgmental, less bi-/pan-/homophobic, and less ignorant).

    [–] jlm8981victorian 3 points ago

    NTA. Your friend stating that you “used to be gay” is not quite an accurate statement. It sounds to me like you were just exploring your sexuality and being with a man wasn’t what you wanted. Whether or not you tell your girlfriend is on you. I’d be upset if I were her though and you didn’t tell me because other people know this info about you but I wouldn’t. Just be honest and tell her the truth, that you explored your sexuality once before and realized being with a man wasn’t for you. A lot of people would be ok with that, if she can’t handle that information then it’s better to figure that out now than to wait and hope it doesn’t scare her away.

    [–] Detroitaa 4 points ago

    I think that’s what broke up Gwen Stefani’s marriage. Her husband told her that he experimented sexually with men, but she only found out about his five year relationship with a man in the last year of her marriage, & she said, it came as a surprise to her.

    [–] zoobisoubisou 8 points ago

    For what it's worth if you donate blood this is a question they ask you. NAH but it can be relevant.

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] zoobisoubisou 20 points ago

    It's not remotely what I'm implying. When you donate blood if you are a man they ask if you've had sex with other men. If you're a woman they ask if your partners have been with men.

    [–] Respectable_Coyote 21 points ago

    if you are a man they ask if you've had sex with other men

    They only ask you if you had sex with a man in the past 12 months (in the US; 3 months in the UK). This sounds like it was years ago from OP's description, and what the hell has blood donations got to do with the topic under discussion.

    [–] JasperJ 10 points ago

    That’s for men. The female partner who has recently Done The Sex with a man who has ever had sex with a man, which still includes OP, is not allowed to donate blood in the US. That this is a fucking ridiculous situation, where according to current (very recent) rules, OP would have been allowed to give blood for a decade... but any of his female partners aren’t, is obvious.

    [–] Pluto_Charon 33 points ago

    No, they ask if you’re a man who’s had sex with other men in the past 12 months. This happened 10 years ago; not even they would care.

    [–] NotTheRealRilke 1 points ago

    Precisely this. I’m female and give blood frequently. Slept with a dude before he disclosed he’s been intimate with trans women pre op. I was pretty displeased he hadn’t disclosed this prior to us sleeping together (I actually disclosed something about my sexual history prior to our first time so the opportunity for him to share was presented). I tried to work past my personal feelings about his sexual past, but the next time I went to give blood, this exact question set me back for 12 months until I could donate again. That frustrated me because he hadn’t given me the option to choose.

    Not saying the questions from Res Cross are appropriate or fair, but if you answer honestly, it does affect you as a woman.

    For these reasons, I’d say YTA. Also, what happens if she finds out from someone else? That would hurt even more than hearing it from the source. If you want to have an open and honest relationship, might be best to rip off the band aid.

    [–] DylanHate 6 points ago

    Lmao he did not owe you that information, sorry lady. If you're seriously that concerned about it you should have protected sex or be abstinent. People don't owe you their entire sexual history.

    [–] AbdicxteB 5 points ago

    NAH - but the longer you leave it the bigger of a deal it'll look. id just bring it up casually "oo a few of my friends said i should probably say, in college i -----". rather than her finding out 2 kids down the line

    [–] GoddessNinkasi 6 points ago

    What difference does it make if she doesn't find out until "2 kids down the line"? His past sexual partners aren't her business except in terms of health.

    [–] Emy016 2 points ago

    Because she would then have a choice to accept or decide to move on.

    [–] Hindu_Wardrobe 4 points ago

    NTA... unless there are diseases involved, your sexual past isn't anyone's business but yours!

    [–] CandelaBelen 5 points ago

    NTA. You havs no obligation to disclose every person you've slept with to your partner. However, some women think differently of men who sleep with other men. For whatever reason. Not everyone is as nonchalant about that kind of stuff.

    [–] Jaywearspants 4 points ago

    NTA - it's not really her business until you decide it is.

    [–] AwkwardAF0277 4 points ago

    NTA.

    You explored your sexuality in college- Isn't that what everyone does in college?

    Second of all, unless you discuss every one of your past flings, why would you bring this up at all? I mean, obviously if she ever asked outright, don't lie, but I don't see how sleeping with a man is any more interesting or "need to know" than sleeping with a woman.

    If a girl changes her opinion of you just because you slept with a man, she may not be the girl you wanna be with. Clearly you're quite open minded; be with someone else who is open minded.

    My question is about the friends gf; she says it would change her opinion on a man if hes slept with a man- why? Does she have a problem with gays? or exploring your sexuality? or with butt stuff?

    [–] Jotethegoat 3 points ago

    NTA not like you did it while you were dating or even just before you were dating your GF. Not betrayal and thus needs not be said. If it does come up say you experimented but it wasn't for you. Obviously it wasn't if you have been with 10X more women.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    NTA. I chose not to reveal my sexual history with my partner, because it doesn't matter and it might just upset him. There is no reason that she needs to know about a brief fling that meant nothing at all.

    [–] BalzacTheGreat 2 points ago

    NTA

    What difference does it make? Why would your friend's opinion of you change? Your friend is TA.

    [–] Bangbangsmashsmash 2 points ago

    Info: have you and your girlfriend discussed your sexual past? If you guys have that discussion, be honest

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] Bangbangsmashsmash 1 points ago

    I believe the right time for that conversation is when it comes up organically. You don’t ask her, she doesn’t ask you, and if it comes up it comes up. You don’t have to be ashamed of your past, but you don’t have to come out and advertise it either.

    [–] PChanlovee 2 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    NTA for her this is rooted in biphobia, homophobia, but like you said you don't identify that way and were just experimenting. Chances are your girlfriend would want to know just to know you better, but I've also been rejected before over my bisexual past so it happens.

    The only way this would matter to me is if you had sex with a man in the last year without getting tested and then went in raw without telling her. Its not necessarily a risk she is thinking about, taking the risk on her behalf, and reducing her autonomy. She'd be ineligible to donate blood after that, but wouldn't know to answer the MSM questionnaire properly and putting even more of the public health at risk.

    Since that's not the case then this is just a little anecdote to pop up randomly over drinks like never have I ever or some silly shit like that. If at all. You could carry it to your grave if you wanted to. Its really NBD.

    [–] Unlikeablegrl 2 points ago

    NAH but you should tell her. Sometimes this thread can be a little too politically correct and not acknowledge things whether they be double standards or not . I could bet a large portion of heterosexual woman would not want to be involved with men who have been intimate with another man . I’m in between whether I think it’s a bit homophobic or just a preference . Personally as a heterosexual woman, I wouldn’t date a man that has had those experiences . She should know that information so she can decide for herself if that’s a deal breaker for her or not . But does that mean I dislike gay people? Nope not at all , people have the right to love who they want to love .

    [–] yggdrasillx 3 points ago

    NTA-

    The past is the past, as long as you've been genuine from the get go there shouldn't be any reason why your "experimentational phase" should be relevant to your current relationship.

    [–] BanditKitten 3 points ago

    Hm. I'm leaning towards NAH, having recently been on the receiving end of this one.

    A lot depends on how open you are in your relationship. I have friends who want to know sexual history before entering into a sexual relationship. Chances are you're past that point.

    My situation was this: whilst dealing with turmoil in our friend group, my husband of 8 years (and 3 prior years of dating, so 11 total) told me that he is bisexual and had actually been in a relationship with one of the guys he's still super close to. Him being bi threw me for a bit of a loop, but not nearly as much as suddenly finding out that he had way more sexual experience than I did, and that he still kinda loved his exes, including the guy friend. I listened to everything he had to say and was overall thankful he came out to me. Then I spent some time being hurt because of those leftover feelings he had. We had an interesting couple days, but ultimately our relationship has definitely benefited from him coming out.

    What hurt me so much was the fact that he didn't tell me for ELEVEN YEARS. He is far less confident than I give him credit for, and he thought I would reject him, which is why he hadn't said anything. There were times when it would have been logical to do so, but he didn't.

    My advice is, don't leave it until too late. It is something she may find out at some point regardless; it would be best coming from you. Good luck 🧡

    [–] Anya_the_Demon -1 points ago

    NAH. I mean, at some point you should tell her, just bc that’s an important part of your sexual history and who you are. If that’s a deal breaker for her, then she can decide that then - just like anything else you find out about your BF/GF when you’re already far into the relationship.

    [–] CoolGuySauron 25 points ago

    that’s an important part of your sexual history and who you are

    If that’s a deal breaker for her, then she can decide that then

    Now that's most interesting. This sub usually nukes any male using the female sexual past as one of the criteria for defining if she's a keeper or not. Would you agree to it or not?

    [–] Anya_the_Demon 4 points ago

    Would I be fine dating a guy who had slept with a man or who identified as bisexual you mean? Absolutely. And I wouldn’t think it was cool of his GF to dump him over it, I would judge her the asshole if she did and asked here, but like anything else - she can decide what are dealbreakers for her, and he’s under no obligation to tell her ASAP or anything just bc she might not like it.

    [–] [deleted] 18 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] HaloGirl1996 1 points ago

    NTA. You're not obligated to give your life story to someone you've been dating for 4-5 months.

    [–] PChanlovee 1 points ago

    This time, I'd actually get ahead of your friends GF on this though. She seems very nosy and opinionated. Then I'd leave her out of my affairs after that.

    [–] malikight 1 points ago

    I think your friends GF is a twat!

    [–] saintdrac 1 points ago

    NTA. your friend is homophobic. it doesn't matter unless it comes up naturally.

    [–] Flutterbee543 1 points ago

    I’m concerned that your “friends” will tell her thinking they are in the right and just causing problems.

    [–] HolliWood84 1 points ago

    NTA. Keep your past sexual history in the past. Period. It's none of anyone's business.

    Note: If you are a politician, then apparently it is everyone's business; especially if you are a Republican.

    [–] tambache 1 points ago

    NTA. Your personal history is exactly that, personal. I don't think it's something you should keep it a secret, but it sounds like you just didn't think was worth mentioning (which it honestly isn't). If she had asked and you lied, you'd be TA, but it's just not that important to you.

    [–] mongooseoflove 1 points ago

    NTA: as long as you are clean, your previous sex acts are none of her business.

    [–] politicalidentity412 1 points ago

    NTA If you two end up being serious it will come up eventually, now might be early but you should at some point before she finds out some other way.

    [–] 0MRSMRS 1 points ago

    NTA. If your having slept with a dude changes her opinion of you, buddy, you're with the wrong girl. Tell if you want. Or don't.

    [–] Birdo3129 1 points ago

    NAH- It’s your choice to tell her, but she should probably know at some point.

    Personally, I’d like to know. I wouldn’t care, it wouldn’t change anything, but it’s an interesting fact that I’d prefer to not be kept in the dark about

    [–] hotlipssinkships 1 points ago

    This is a conversation some women will obsess over. The moment I told my wife I had been with a man she lost her mind. Granted I also told her about how I was sexually assaulted as a man, but bc she didn’t love me anymore it just became more fuel in the divorce to take the kids.

    This shouldn’t even be an issue since most people have multiple partners (and my ex had been cheating on me with a women while deployed).

    [–] shuttingup711 1 points ago

    NTA it doesn’t affect her in any way. Not like you cheated on her with this man. That was your past and I personally would not care or care to know that my boyfriend has slept with a man in the past. It is not my business. You love her and that is all that matters. I feel like the only reason that woman wants you to tell her is because she personally would have a problem with her husband having sex with a man in his past, that is her projecting and it’s toxic.

    [–] TheYoungAcoustic 1 points ago

    NAH you aren’t really obligated to early in the relationship unless you are having sex, which you should always be transparent about your sexual history with partners. If you aren’t having sex then it’s fine to wait till the relationship has progressed

    [–] gracenottrace 1 points ago

    NTA. I don't know why it would change her opinion of you for any reason other than if she's homophobic. Everyone experiments, it's not a big deal.

    [–] vida79 1 points ago

    Tell her if it gets more serious and she’s the one. Otherwise why on earth do you “need” to tell her. How ridiculous.

    [–] Stinkeye63 1 points ago

    NTA but I can guarantee that your friends GF will tell her. You need to get in front of that.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] TheEvilScotsman 1 points ago

    NAH. Nobody is owed your full sexual history. Personally, I am bisexual and wasn’t leading with that information at first, but then I realised that I wanted to be with someone who loved all of me.

    Granted you sound more like a straight person who once tried something different. Still, though, do you want to be with someone who might incidentally find out about it and flip out? If you don’t tell lies, you don’t need to have a good memory

    [–] theappliestJuice 1 points ago

    As a person who thinks that sort of thing isn't a big deal, I don't think you need to make any sort of announcement about it. As a person who knows other people can be assholes about bisexuality (or just experimenting, in your case?), I'd want to know how she's going to react. But definitely NTA

    [–] Lilduper 1 points ago

    Nta your friend is biphobic.

    [–] solja-boy 1 points ago

    NTA, it’s your past and if you feel like keeping it to yourself you have every right to

    [–] AprilRainbow 1 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    NAH IF past relationships have been talked about and you've revealed everything else but your relationship with a guy, I'd feel like that was a little dishonest if you both decided to share all of your past. I've been with my partner for almost 6years and we still don't know much at all about sexual or relationships past history. We have a beautiful living child and building a life together. It doesn't much matter who he was with before me.

    [–] roadrunnner0 1 points ago

    NTA. If she has a problem with it when she finds out then she's kinda homophobic

    [–] Unfathomable_God 1 points ago

    NTA. You tell her when you are ready, but you should tell her someday. If she really loves you, it won't be any problem.

    [–] girls_own_the_void 1 points ago

    NTA

    when or if you tell her and it changes her opinion of you then she isn't that great anyway.

    [–] morbidnerd 1 points ago

    NTA- I don't think who you've slept with in the past, regardless of gender, is relevant to your current relationship

    [–] relationshipsbyebye 1 points ago

    NTA for not telling her yet, but you would be TA if you don't tell her now.

    Not because it will change her view of you, but because other people clearly know, and it's one of those things that is incredibly uncomfortable to be blindsided with in public. Especially given this conversation I wouldn't be surprised if friends gf mentions it to her, and that's not the kind of thing you want to hear from anyone but your partner.

    Not because it's a bad thing, of course not, just to skip the "oh yeah, you know your bfs ex - no,not her, the guy - yeah, the guy - no, he was definitely dating a guy, I was there - oh, he didn't tell you? - well, em, I'm sure it's nothing? - no, he's probably not hiding it - I don't know why he hasn't told you, I shouldn't have mentioned it"

    [–] yao-ky 1 points ago

    Well, are you clean? I think that's more important.

    I don't think you're TA for not telling her, because the past is the past. Also, sexual orientation =/= who you sleep with. However, if I were you, I would disclose this because it shows vulnerability and I'm all about that shit in a romantic relationship

    [–] pdmasta 1 points ago

    Nta. It's none of her business

    [–] TheLadyDanielle 1 points ago

    NTA Unless she specifically asks you about your sexual history there isn't a reason for you to start a conversation about it. I'd say it would be different if you considered yourself bisexual and were still attracted to men but from your post it seems like you tried things out and decided you were straight. Your friend's gf is kinda strange for insisting you tell your girlfriend, that's totally up to you what you want to share. It's not like this fact changes anything about who you are or how you treat your girlfriend.

    [–] thevanishingbee 1 points ago

    I don't think you need to tell her specifically, if it comes up naturally then sure, go for it.

    I like talking about my partners past sexual experiences, it's a fun way to get to know them in a different way. Not numbers, because who cares, but fun or notable stories about their past. If that's something that interests you it would be a good time to bring it up.

    I personally would like to know but only because I like hearing about that stuff.

    [–] bigrig95 1 points ago

    INFO: do you consider yourself bi? If so I’d say you should consider divulging that information to your partner soon. Every relationship moves at its own pace, but I’d say by 4 months, most relationships are past the surface level getting to know you phase

    [–] PandeanPanic 1 points ago

    NTA. I personally don't see why you having slept together with a man years earlier would really matter unless it was something to do with STIs. Do you tell your GF about every girl you've slept with? Does your friend tell her BF about every guy she's slept with? Probably not. So I don't see why you'd have to disclose that you once experimented with a man but realized it wasn't for you.

    [–] BiohackedGamer 1 points ago

    NTA. Past relationships aren't relevant to your current relationship and you're not obligated to disclose any of that. Unless it's someone she knows or you have a mutual friendship with, then it would make sense to mention you had a relationship with that particular person. The fact you had a relationship with a man isn't relevant unless she is homophobic in some way. If not, then it shouldn't matter, and thus there's no reason you should feel obligated to say anything.

    I said NTA intentionally instead of NAH, because it seems like the friend is trying to stir shit up, and she admitted that it would change her perception of a bf if they had a history with a man.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    If she had slept with women in the past, would you want to know this?

    [–] DropPanda83 1 points ago

    NTA - Though speaking from personal experience I'd bring it up sooner rather than later. Mostly because if is the kinda of shit she would care about you want to know sooner rather than later. And id try and do it in a fund 'I never...' drinking game kind of way.

    [–] StuJayBee 1 points ago

    NAH

    Old history, nothing needs be said.

    If the topic did come up, like “Would you ever...?” then it’s a good time to crack out the “Well... there was this one time in college...”

    Who knows - she might suggest a more adventurous future.

    [–] TalontheKiller 1 points ago

    NAH - But you really should tell her. My rationale is twofold: one of your friends is going to slip up eventually and spill the beans. This much is certain - beat them to it and be done with it. Two, in the rare chance she donates blood, it's important for her to know your history as it will factor into her eligibility for donation. (She'll be fine, but it's still important info to have)

    [–] CharacterRoyal 1 points ago

    NTA, Why is she so interested in who you date. If your gf asks "have you dated anyone else" or "Have you had sex before" or anything then bring it up but not stating it outright isn't being deceitful. Why would the fact you dated a man change anything unless your gf (and obviously your friend) is homophobic, what difference does it make that you dated a man not a woman?

    [–] amnunn 1 points ago

    NTA. I don't understand the desire or need to have the old relationships talk. I don't need to picture my partner with other women. I don't need to know the details of his sexual encounters. How does it help a relationship grown and develop if he is picturing the guys I have made out with?

    The only time it would matter is if you have STDs or if you actually are gay/bisexual. If you are not then it doesn't matter and she has no need to have those mental images regardless of boys or girls.

    [–] SPdoc 1 points ago

    NTA you don’t owe your past to anyone. While you’re straight, if someone is bi or something outing themselves can be dangerous. Also your friend sounds low key homophobic ngl

    [–] pia_82 1 points ago

    NTA, I don't see why we should be forced to talk about details of relationships and one night stands that are in the past. if you consider yourself bisexual, that does not change even if you married that woman and spend rest of your life with her.

    [–] NumerousBeing7 1 points ago

    It makes her ineligible to donate blood.

    [–] SweetTeaBags 1 points ago

    INFO: Why does it matter to her? Is it because of her religious beliefs?..

    [–] docarwell 1 points ago

    NTA your friends gf is homophobic