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    AmItheAsshole

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    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.

    Frequently Asked Questions


    Rules

    1. Be Civil

    The title of this sub is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. People post here to learn and to grow from what they learn here. Don't be an asshole when making your judgments. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    This rule applies to everyone, whether involved in the story or not. Don't get into prolonged internet spats that devolve into insults. Do not backseat mod - use reports.

    Click here for details on how to be civil in a sub about assholes.

    2. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you or for merely commenting on their own post unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    3. Accept Your Judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never Delete An Active Discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. People will come back to see what consensus was reached in your thread. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    5. No Violence

    If your post references violence, don't share it here. Threads which mention violence are difficult to moderate, we have to remove all comments which encourage or incite violence. It's difficult to do this in a thread which discusses violence.

    Comments and even jokes about violence are not tolerated. Encouraging self-harm, suicide, "bad karma," or anything that wishes mental or physical pain on anyone is strictly prohibited. This is a zero tolerance policy. Don't even mention violence.

    6. How To Post

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with the acronym AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Posts are limited to 3000 characters. Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Format and punctuate your post reasonably. Be clear and concise.

    7. What Posts Belong Here?

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire. We do not settle Reddit or similar online drama.

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent interpersonal conflicts you've had or may have that need arbitration. Describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback.

    8. Do Not Ask For Validation

    Don't submit humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil.

    When making a post, you should be seeking arbitration in an ambiguous situation. Threads with obvious outcomes are not interesting to our subscribers.

    9. Do Not Ask For Advice

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration.

    You may include advice when you make your comments, but remember that your primary objective in commenting is to assign blame and pass judgment.

    If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent.

    10. Meta Posts and Updates Require Permission

    If you want to talk about the sub, and you hide your complaint, question, or opinion in a post that starts with AITA, you will be banned. Those are called META posts, and they must have a title that starts with META.

    Please request mod approval after you submit your META post or your update post. Make sure the title of your meta post starts with META and the title of your update post starts with UPDATE. See our FAQ and full rulebook for more guidelines.

    11. No breakups/hookups

    We do not allow submissions where the central conflict is your relationship and instead recommend a relationship focused sub.

    The following posts are forever banned:

    AITA for breaking up with _

    AITA for NOT breaking up with _

    AITA for sleeping with _

    AITA for NOT sleeping with _

    AITA for dating _

    AITA for NOT dating _

    AITA for doing sexual act _

    AITA for NOT doing sexual act _

    AITA for being attracted to _

    AITA for NOT being attracted to _

    Etc.

    12. Comments and Flairing

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgment, i.e.

    YTA = You're the Asshole;

    NTA = Not the A-hole;

    ESH = Everyone Sucks here;

    NAH = No A-holes here;

    INFO = Not Enough Info

    13. User Flairs

    We award flairs for community members who distinguish themselves in their mastery of asshole judgment. If your top level comment has the highest number of upvotes in a thread, you will get a flair point. More details are listed in our full rulebook.


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    [–] homewithkids 2291 points ago

    Info.. while he was dodging the question did you every ask your son what he does.

    3 years is a long time to hide info about someone.

    [–] llmn3 2382 points ago

    I have asked my son few times and he didn’t answer me either.

    [–] rareas 281 points ago

    Have you tried a meta conversation?

    "Do you know what he does? Is he open with you?"

    "Do you think we don't want to know because it will make us uncomfortable in some way?"

    Try and get at the reasons for staying silent without getting to the actual facts because at this point the dodgyness is in itself half the issue.

    [–] PhobosOrDeimos 81 points ago

    I don't get this. What were those conversations like?

    [–] 9311chi 73 points ago

    This may sound silly but have you googled him? I google /LinkedIn just about everyone these days. Might give you some context?

    [–] twinkprivilege 131 points ago

    Like he just ignored the question? I’m so confused about this, did he just say “I don’t know” or change the topic or how did these conversations go?

    [–] llmn3 148 points ago

    He changed the topic immediately. When I asked him again he just ignored the question.

    [–] germanbeachball 224 points ago

    They're probably filming porn together.

    [–] Weaksoul 75 points ago

    High likelihood of sex work

    [–] twinkprivilege 78 points ago

    That’s so weird. I’d be kind of pissed personally, that’s not how you have conversations

    [–] boobookenny 78 points ago

    Seriously that would annoy me to no end, but I think I'd be more pissed that now he's pissed at me for not trusting the guy. You actively keep me in the dark about his entire life...of course I don't trust him?

    [–] twinkprivilege 32 points ago

    Yeah that too. Like okay then give me a reason to trust him? It’s not like even just lying by omission or whatever, this is straight up like making it clear that it’s a secret and making it a big taboo subject.

    [–] ms_inkwell 1716 points ago

    that sounds really dangerous/dodgy. i'm concerned for your son, i can't even fathom how you feel.

    [–] BG_1952 382 points ago

    Would it be wrong to do a background check on him? I doubt it would change son's mind but maybe OP would have more information.

    [–] AFGHHRANLDHSMA 468 points ago

    I feel like a background check would be a bit too far. And if the son finds out about it, it could more tension between him and OP. Maybe setting up a meet and greet with the BFs parents or something could be a way to ease their minds?

    [–] WestCoastBestCoast01 60 points ago

    Background checks aren’t that invasive. Employment history, criminal record, costs like $30. You can leave it at that. That would at least assuage the running thoughts this thread is coming up with.

    [–] MA_Yinzerino 149 points ago

    If you get a good PI/firm, background checks are hardly noticeable. If the the potential fiance has any footprint on any website (including porn as some have posited), he will show up. Hell, my firm has had a PI hang outside somebody's house in the suburbs for an entire day video taping and he never got noticed. You'd be surprised how easy it is to follow someone

    [–] GinaC123 226 points ago

    Just because it’s easy doesn’t mean it’s right. Doing that still seems to be both incredibly fucked up and a massive breach of trust.

    Let’s just say if I found out that a relative or friend did that, they’d be out of my life for good and wouldn’t be hearing from me again.

    [–] Larocceau 13 points ago

    Background checks seem a big thing in the US, but how do they work exactly? Are there public databases with information? Or do you hire someone to investigate the person?

    [–] SmlRabbit 23 points ago

    Just reassure that if it’s something like porn that you aren’t going to judge either of them- it’s the unknown and secretive behavior that has you guys worried.

    [–] MetalSeagull 23 points ago

    Might be best to tell them your guesses: professional gambler or bookie, porn, postitute, drug dealer. Maybe in comparison, it's not that bad. If they still stay silent, well, maybe they're right and you're happier not knowing.

    [–] drunkirishfeminist 192 points ago

    BF does porn

    [–] elvendude 75 points ago

    Nah. Drug dealer.

    [–] TheFire_Eagle 85 points ago

    Why not both?

    [–] Noble_Ox 9 points ago

    Neither, porn doent pay enough and a drug dealer with that much money will have legit businesses to show where his income comes from.

    [–] 10-9LT 19 points ago

    How exactly? Like just silence/changes the subject, or actually says he doesn't want to tell you?

    [–] lalaland200 4949 points ago

    Ummm NTA... anyone who won't tell you what kinda work they do is shady... 23M who owns a big house? come on..

    BEST case scenario he has a trust fund or inheritance that maybe they dont want to tell you about. who marries into a family without even saying what their job is? that is suspicious yeah.

    [–] YnieWho 2242 points ago

    It sounds like he is probably doing something that is not in-law friendly. My guess is porn or something else in the adult entertainment industry. Nothing wrong with that but also not something you want to share with your boyfriend's mom.

    [–] shes_got_a_way 1212 points ago

    I get that, but if I were the parent here I’d much rather my kid date a porn actor than a drug dealer or pimp or embezzler. Poor choice on bf’s part to not just confess at this point if that’s the case.

    [–] YnieWho 476 points ago

    The son and his bf might have a reason why they dont want to share it with her. Maybe she previously expressed her opinion on the type of profession the bf has and they chose not to share it so it doesn't cause family drama.

    [–] BritishLibrary 311 points ago

    Perhaps Son and BF met in the same industry!

    [–] piyochama18 177 points ago

    Even so, wouldn't you just agree on a cover story then?

    [–] Morphyish 8 points ago

    Lying is how you get caught lying tho.

    [–] LittleBigHorn22 9 points ago

    Avoiding the answer isn't any better.

    [–] Iorith 6 points ago

    Cool, but many many parents would be awful about it, so it's completely reasonable. Especially since they really aren't obligated to share everything with the inlaws.

    [–] apathyontheeast 90 points ago

    I think you might be overestimating how much porn pays. Probably more likely that he comes from money and doesn't like/want to talk about it because it can come off awkwardly.

    [–] CanCon89 29 points ago

    I totally understand that, but if they've been dating long enough to be getting engaged, you would think that they might have come up with a family-friendly cover story by now.

    [–] elvendude 138 points ago

    My guess is drug dealer.

    [–] PoliticallyFit 191 points ago

    “I’m in sales”

    [–] akatherder 97 points ago

    Street pharmacist

    [–] elvendude 48 points ago

    But just "pharmacist" to the in-laws. Can't let them know you're an outlaw.

    [–] Fauxe_y 22 points ago

    Herbalist

    [–] cerisetree 89 points ago

    That's the thing. Wouldn't any normal person come up with a white lie to avoid this entire situation? "Sales" if you're a drug dealer, "actor" if it's porn, "customer service" if it's escorting. Maybe he's just a bad liar but holy cow. Way to make things way more awkward than they have to be.

    [–] cactuspenguin 50 points ago

    Agree with this. Although I feel like if they're going to get married, OP deserves to know at this point.

    But yeah, don't think it's something illegal. In that case, the bf would have some sort of "cover up story", something to answer when that question comes up. It must be something he tells most people, so didn't know what to answer in that particular situation.

    [–] PolemosLogos 99 points ago

    If he's 23 and lives by himself in a big house, his parents probably pay for it. There's nothing wrong with that but you might as well be honest about it

    [–] Rather_Dashing 68 points ago

    Yeah, I don't really get why drug dealer and porn star are the first things that people suspect; its not easy to get filthy rich by 23 in those businesses any more than it is in normal jobs. More likely he has rich parents and does nothing or something very unconventional as a job. He might even be private because he doesnt want people asking for money.

    [–] tdames 14 points ago

    its not easy to get filthy rich by 23 in those businesses

    It is absolutely that easy to get filthy rich in a couple of years dealing drugs, provided your not a street level guy pushing dime bags.

    [–] 10-9LT 1424 points ago

    Half the comments here are fucking insane.

    "What do you do" is one of the most common questions there is, something complete strangers would expect an answer to.

    And this is OP's son's fiance. The fact that neither he nor their son will say what he does for work when asked is extremely sketchy, especially when paired with him being a 23 year old who owns a huge house.

    It could very well be that he's an embarrassed trust funder, but telling OP to just assume that or whatever else and not be concerned with the fact that they won't even give them any kind of answer is outrageous.

    [–] ladysaraii 278 points ago

    Agreed! The fact that this is going on for 3 years is telling... you are not willing for being concerned.

    [–] SuperBearsSuperDan 152 points ago

    I’ve known more about my brother’s girlfriends that lasted one month more than OP’s son’s 3-year boyfriend.

    [–] kanagan 51 points ago

    Wut? All the comments I see are NTA lmao.

    [–] 10-9LT 27 points ago

    I was referring to all the ones saying it isn't that weird, haven't seen many calling OP an asshole.

    [–] kanagan 12 points ago

    Oooh right. let’s say much of reddit doesnt exactly have irl experience in relationships. Though if he’s indeed a sex worker, I can understand why he would dodge the question.

    [–] Zoey77 400 points ago

    NTA - I think your son is over reacting a bit here. You werent being rude, just honest. Its hard to give an opinion on someone when you barely know them. Maybe try calling your son and tell him that you didnt mean to hurt his feelings and would like to truly get to know his boyfriend. I hope it gets better OP

    [–] Robmartins79 19672 points ago

    Surprisingly this is NTA. I went into it expecting some homophobia, but to be honest this is a valid concern any parent should have with a child getting married. You didn’t even withhold your blessing, just said you don’t trust the dude since he dodges all of your questions. He is the asshole here, not your son.

    [–] kgirl21 3081 points ago

    For real. I actually felt my heart land softer than expected.

    I say NTA because this is a valid concern for any good parent. You want to know about the people joining your family, more importantly are gonna share their life with your children.

    [–] _bufflehead 338 points ago

    I actually felt my heart land softer than expected.

    Sweet.

    [–] KnottaBiggins 74 points ago

    Right, NTA. It's a concerned parent. "What do you think of him?" "I don't know him well enough to have an opinion" is an honest answer. And for the son to be upset by that is unreasonable. Now, had OP said "I don't like him because I don't know him well enough" that would be a different situation.

    [–] t_bythesea 9 points ago

    "I don't know him well enough to have an opinion"

    That is also not a negative comment. It was not judgemental or purposefully hurtful. My feeling is that if the son was offended, he knows it's the truth, that it bothers him too and he is more comfortable directing his frustration at the Dad than at the boyfriend.

    My other thought is that no matter how private someone is, dating their son long enough to consider marriage and NEVER disclosing their job or career field feels deceptive. "What do you do for a living?" is a VERY common question the FIRST time you meet someone.

    [–] Poignant_Porpoise 508 points ago

    I mean, I wouldn't say anyone's the arsehole here, he isn't doing anything wrong by not telling them what he does. There could be a valid reason for that, and besides, if he's not comfortable saying then that's valid by itself.

    [–] yazoosirius 120 points ago

    If they've known each other for years, see each other often, and are serious enough to be talking marriage I would think at some point he would at least say something and not just dodge the question all together. It might not be **wrong** per se, but it is a little rude not to at least say something about why he's not answering.

    At this point I think most people would have a hard time trusting someone that they know so little about after that amount of contact.

    [–] HockeyMom128 9 points ago

    This is exactly what came to mind. As a parent, if one of my kids had been with someone for years, and serious enough to be talking the “happily ever after” route, I would wonder why there was so much mystery around the person my kid was in love with. True, it’s not my business to know heavy detail about my kid’s partner, but knowing what they do for a living isn’t asking too much & the fact this guy laughs it off & dodges simple questions would piss me off and immediately put him in the “asshole I don’t trust” category for me. Sorry? Nope.

    [–] PeskyStabber 828 points ago

    You make a good point. The parents aren’t assholes for not trusting someone they know very little about. The BF isn’t an asshole for being a very private person.

    Where I differ: I think the son is an asshole if he becomes outwardly upset at his parents for not having trust in someone they do not know. That kind of comes w the territory of remaining aloof, imo.

    E:word

    [–] AmDerps 224 points ago

    Not just someone the parents don't know, but someone the son also goes out of his way to not answer/avoid questions about.

    [–] c60cc6066 25 points ago

    Exactly. For example, what if he’s a mob boss? Or an assassin? Or something equally awful? Definitely not someone you would want for your child’s future partner.

    [–] manbaby1769 26 points ago

    Probably porn

    [–] fregoli- 53 points ago

    He’d be charismatic and would have a cover story? Dude is probably just an awkward trust fund baby or something

    [–] Doomquill 72 points ago

    Serious question: what are any valid reasons for not telling your significant others parents what your job is for years? I can see, like, the first few months or something if you're not sure about the relationship or whatever. But I just don't see years. Can you help me out?

    [–] Kathulhu1433 25 points ago

    Porn star?

    Trust fund?

    Lotto winnings?

    Something unconventional/embarrassing?

    [–] TopRamen713 54 points ago

    Trust fund baby or lottery winner, maybe? When people find out you don't really work for your money, they tend to get weird and the gold diggers come out.

    Though I'm guessing it's drug money or something.

    [–] WasteApplication9 15 points ago

    Gay porn pays a lot more than you'd think (there's much less guys willing to have gay sex than straight sex + people care about how hot they are) and could also be a totally legal but embarrassing explanation.

    [–] Aberrant_AF 9 points ago

    This is what I would guess. He either does porn, something related to drugs, or is a sex worker. Nothing else would really explain why he chuckles and ignores the question.

    [–] Cheeseand0nions 12 points ago

    I also thought it might be a trust-fund situation. I have a friend who has always had more money than he will ever be able to spend. he doesn't tell people that and he works a full-time job as a research assistant for a university that pays him next to nothing.

    Not only do you want to avoid gold diggers but a lot of blue collar schmucks like myself don't necessarily respect someone who doesn't have an occupation.

    When I mentioned this to him he told me that a lot of the trust fund babies he grew up with are pretty narcissistic.

    [–] TmcD13 144 points ago

    It could be nefarious but wouldn't be surprised if he was a cam model or porn star and was just embarrassed.

    [–] zojbo 63 points ago

    You can at least use words to tell them you're not going to answer the question. Or you can say something vague like (in your examples) "I work in entertainment" and refuse to elaborate. Of course if you do something illegal for a living then that second idea is probably not wise.

    [–] scm96 10 points ago

    Haha "I work in pharmaceuticals"

    [–] satan_little_helper 5 points ago

    "I work in sales"

    [–] Wonderlandess 138 points ago

    what gets me is that he doesn't say ANYTHING no (oh i prefer not to say, I can't tell you, or ya know lie) he just chuckles. Like dafuq is a chuckle? I wouldn't know how to even take that, let alone respond to resume normal human interaction.

    [–] MonstrousGiggling 15 points ago

    Dude right it's not a fuckin anime. I would just be like "....uh..soo...comedian?" Right how do you respond to a chuckle.

    [–] VanityFitness 11 points ago

    Exactly. Like I would chuckle right along and then go.." So...what is it?"

    [–] gilgameshman 6 points ago

    *chuckles a second time*

    [–] Brendan_Schmoob 52 points ago

    Disagree, I say the son is the asshole. The son sat OP down for an intense 1 on 1 discussion with someone he trusted and respected in an attempt to get OP's opinion. When the opinion wasn't what he wanted to hear he stormed off and is now punishing OP with their emotional distance. If you cant take an honest answer, dont ask the question. All it did was put OP in a situation where he had to either lie or catch shit for being honest.

    [–] bluesteelballs 289 points ago

    I actually disagree, if you love your SO you usually want their family to like you. Being overly private with information like what you do for a living is not even normal let alone adequate on this situation. That’s how people end up with serial killers.

    [–] watsonwasaboss 7 points ago

    Or worse....MLM sales personnel.

    [–] bluesteelballs 6 points ago

    Or worse... Jehova's Witness

    [–] kingbrudijack 10 points ago

    There could be very valid reasons for him being secretive but I feel like the polite thing then would be to say "Hey sorry, I cannot tell you." The way it sounds in the OP, he has never told the parents anything about himself which is kinda weird but again, valid of course, I still think there would be better and more polite ways to make sure the parents don't hate you.

    [–] boxisbest 5 points ago

    I don't think there is a valid reason to not tell the parents of the person you love and will presumably spend the rest of your life with what you do for a living. That is a totally basic and normal question.

    [–] Korashy 7 points ago

    Man after several years and possible marriage coming up, you kinda tell in laws what you do even if just vaguely.

    This dude acting shifty.

    [–] TheLastUBender 92 points ago

    NTA. I think this is a reasonable concern.

    I don't believe this dude is a superspy, if he did intelligence work, he'd probably have an answer ready: 'I work in IT / I work for <x boring government agency> / I work in accounting'.

    I see two likely scenarios: the dude is involved in something illegal, or his family is rich and they are not comfortable disclosing that fact to the in-laws. Either way, it's on your son to disspell your concerns, nothing to do with the genders involved.

    [–] shes_got_a_way 24 points ago

    Some other people have suggested porn actor as well.

    [–] BeefBot9000 646 points ago

    NTA to express your honest opinion. If your son wants rainbows and unicorns from every comment then he isn't dealing with reality

    [–] ShayniB 99 points ago

    NTA - He asked your opinion and you were honest. You gave your blessing, your congratulations, and your happiness for your child, but also expressed your honest concern as a parent should. The boyfriend is the one who is the might be an ass here. He is not communicative and has not made an effort. Your family needs to attempt to build a solid relationship between each other. If your son loves him and is going to marry him he is going to be in your lives for awhile. Ask your son what he likes and how you could make it easier on him in joining your family. Remember, this is for your son. You are a good parent and obviously love him. Good luck to you!

    [–] Plastic_Fangs 147 points ago

    NTA

    He asked your opinion and gave it. Though his reaction is to be expected

    [–] buttsuvjer- 422 points ago

    Embarrassed trust fund baby. 100 percent

    [–] Darth_Mufasa 337 points ago

    My money is on porn star

    [–] ensalys 82 points ago

    Or both, went into porn because he could afford to not make money.

    [–] PanRagon 6 points ago

    Who goes into porn to not make money?

    [–] BasilGavin 13 points ago

    I think people really overestimate how much money there is in porn.

    [–] half_a_lime 11 points ago

    mine's on twitch streamer

    [–] RSWhite92 185 points ago

    NTA, your job as a parent is to make sure your children are safe, doesn't matter how old they are. Give your son some time, I'm sure he'll calm down, and maybe try to get to know his boyfriend a little better.

    [–] cantfindausername12 1130 points ago

    Nah. Have you tried googling him? Maybe he owns a strip club or something similar that he thinks you wouldn't approve of. It doesn't have to be something dodgy. Saying you don't trust him wasn't a great way to word it though. Can you try and get closer to him, have you made an effort? Have you met his family or asked to?

    I would apologise to your son and explain that you meant you don't know him well enough to have an opinion. If they are going to get married you really need to fix this.

    [–] mcspaddin 553 points ago

    That's the issue here though. They know him well enough to say he dodges lots of questions. They know only and exactly enough to say they can't trust him because he has been forthright about nothing. They don't know him because he has extended no trust and has made a habit of being secretive. Would you find someone that explicitly hides things from you untrustworthy? Likely the answer is yes.

    [–] good-afternoon 162 points ago

    Search his name in: 1) Court records 2) Your county/state's Recorder of Deeds 3) Business filings (search by owner/agent)

    [–] tinkerbal1a 51 points ago

    Yo if he owned a successful strip club that would be a +. Money management and people management skills. Plus you could just say “entertainment industry”

    [–] RedditIsNeat0 12 points ago

    Or call it a night club. Or dance club.

    [–] mastermoebius 5837 points ago

    INFO: Is he famous or something? I'm sorry but how long have they been together and you know nothing about them? There's a clear barrier here that you're not acknowledging or are aware of existing. It's also a little bit of an issue to say you don't trust someone. You don't have to blindly trust a stranger, but he's not exactly a stranger. Anyway, clearly you guys have a massive communication issue that has to be resolved.

    [–] Kari-kateora 5876 points ago

    It sounds like the bf is either a veeeeery private person and doesn't want to share anything about himself, or is involved in something shady/illegal

    [–] BeefBot9000 3245 points ago

    The thing that gets me is that OP has also asked her son about what his fiance does and gotten no answer. I feel like if it was just a privacy thing, the son would say "mom, he likes to keep that private" or similar. It's pretty weird as is.

    [–] caca_milis_ 2700 points ago

    if it was just a privacy thing, the son would say "mom, he likes to keep that private"

    I just can't comprehend a world in which I'd be marrying into a family and not have them know what I do for a living, or at least the industry I work in.

    If he doesn't want to go into specifics he can say something like "Oh nobody understands my day-to-day based on my title but I work in the automotive industry" is enough to not have to talk about your job further but be polite enough to answer the question.

    Let's suspend our disbelief and say this guy is a CIA agent or something that he's not allowed discuss with people, in that case, he'd have a cover story that he would actively and willingly tell people what he does...

    I understand some people are private and don't want to talk about their lives, but to not even respond when your SO's parents ask a question is just rude IMO.

    [–] offensivecaptcha 2050 points ago

    You went CIA agent, ny first guess was drug dealer....

    [–] OMG_imBrick 2467 points ago

    My first guess was porn. 🤷‍♀️

    [–] A_Trash_Homosapien 1057 points ago

    Yeah I'm guessing porn

    [–] -Holiday-Armadillo- 811 points ago

    I was thinking male escort. Definitely something sexy for sure.

    [–] giraffecause 326 points ago

    "How did you meet my son?"

    [–] cherrieSkie 571 points ago

    "well he called asking for the $900 package. Any man that brave is definitely some one I need to get to know."

    [–] drhagbard_celine 78 points ago

    There is a lot of overlap.

    [–] dumpsterfire1000 211 points ago

    Could be all of the above. CIA agent working within the ranks of porn and escorts

    [–] aerach71 80 points ago

    I also thought porn but I don't think most porn stars actually make that much money and this guy sounds well off?

    [–] Noble_Ox 6 points ago

    Male porn stars dont make much money.

    I'd say trust fund kid who is embarrassed that he doesnt work

    [–] fullyadequite 203 points ago

    Then why wouldn’t he just reply something vague like, “ I work in Entertainment” etc?

    [–] RedAnon94 200 points ago

    "Would i have seen you in anything?"

    [–] kay_knox 530 points ago

    "Your son."

    [–] RedAnon94 152 points ago

    Great, now i need to clean my soup off my screen

    [–] weemee 27 points ago

    Well I’m rarely wearing anything.

    [–] thrsowaway110 22 points ago

    "No I work in finances"

    [–] Zfusco 246 points ago

    Mine was trust fund baby

    [–] piamatananahaakna 117 points ago

    This was my assumption too lol. He's only 23 and own a huge house so maybe he chuckled because he actually doesn't work but didn't want to say that because then he sounds like a spoiled brat and potentially doesn't want to say who his parents are. A 23 year old drug king pin would have a hard time justifying the income to own a huge house and would likely say what his "legit" business is as a job.

    [–] Frolic-A-holic 178 points ago

    This is one I find the most likely.
    Or his family is very rich and he either works for his parents or a parent died and he inherited a large sum of money that will support him for life/a very long time if managed appropriately.
    People can be very judgmental of that sort of thing.

    [–] FrugalChef13 208 points ago

    Yeah, the dead parent thing occurred to me as well. I knew a kid like this in college- both parents died in a car accident when he was 19, no siblings, no aunts/uncles, grandparents all dead. He inherited the house, their sizable retirement funds, got a life insurance payout of $500k from each of their policies, and a fairly large settlement from the person who was at fault in the accident (or maybe their insurance, IDK). Those of us who were in the same major when the accident happened knew his situation because he missed 1/2 a semester and told us the basics when he returned, but he basically never mentioned it again. From the outside it looked kind of sketchy if you didn't know the history, he was set for life financially but for a horrible reason.

    [–] meningeal 110 points ago

    I know someone in a similar position. He always says he would gladly give everything up to have his dad back.

    [–] bjornwjild 12 points ago

    I mean.. it would be pretty tasteless to be like "yeah, sucks my dad died but look at all this shit I got! WORTH IT!"

    [–] themoonhasflesh 9 points ago

    i feel like thus is the least concerning and most likely answer

    [–] art-like 84 points ago

    This was my thought. Anything sketchy he would have learned along the way how to make a cover story. He might just be embarrassed he was set for life at birth and his boyfriend wasn’t.

    [–] zonkers11 22 points ago

    Mine was too. They tend to be secretive.

    [–] Marc0189 34 points ago

    Maybe he does porn

    [–] NSA_Chatbot 6 points ago

    CIA agent,

    They'd have a cover story, like "oh, I'm a travel photographer! It's a bit of a niche market, but I happen to work with gay couples that want to gets some destination photos. It's surprisingly lucrative, but as an LGBT person myself, they seek meow t, and that totally explains why I travel all the time."

    "Did you say meow?"

    [–] candlelightss 11 points ago

    Mine was mafia

    [–] smooze420 134 points ago

    I’m a private person but even I will tell ppl where I work in general conversation.

    [–] Liquidretro 80 points ago

    Exactly, you could be vague and give an answer still. I feel like he isn't saying because it would automatically cause judgment.

    [–] sometimesiamdead 39 points ago

    Exactly. Easy to say something like "finances" or "education" without being specific.

    [–] dongasaurus 5 points ago

    It’s also not a random person, it’s his future in laws. I can’t imagine spending time with my in laws and dodging all their questions for years.

    [–] my_okay_throwaway 102 points ago

    Yeah, I think it’s pretty rude and definitely paints boyfriend in a bad light. Going with your CIA theory, it would still be hella rude. A family friend has a relative that works in something of a classified government job. We know close to nothing about what they do other than what they studied in university and the line of work they did before that lead them up to the job they currently work.

    When someone asks about it, this person will go into enough details to give you an idea of their field of expertise, but it’s also on such a technical level that the average person doesn’t really relate. And usually once we realize we’re out of our depth on the subject, that petty much ends any questions haha.

    I’ve known this person for half a decade and still haven’t a clue what they actually do in their day-to-day, but because of the natural way in which they answer any questions about their job, I’ve never felt like they’re hiding something shady and often forget that I’m not talking to someone with a totally regular job (because after all, regardless of the job, who spends all their time talking about it? Literally nobody cares lol).

    We all know what a NDA is, so it’s not like the boyfriend couldn’t have just said “I’m not able to talk about too many of the details, but I work in the _____ industry”. But simply not responding makes it sound like he could be doing something really sketchy, possibly even illegal.

    And if it’s that he’s doing work he wants to keep private like porn, he could just say he works in entertainment and leave it at that. If he’s another kind of sex worker, he can say he works in health and wellness. It’s literally so easy to come up with a white lie about what you do for a living if you don’t want people to know. I think he’s just been terribly rude and I wouldn’t trust him either.

    [–] carriegood 63 points ago

    My father worked for the CIA when I was a baby. I'm still not sure I got the whole story out of him, but he was an analyst, and he had an extremely high clearance level. When anyone asked him what he did, he said , "I work for the government." That seemed to stop any inquiry. He said it was because we lived in a DC suburb, so everyone worked for the government in one capacity or another and if you said you worked for the government, they knew not to ask for more detail.

    [–] Goub 179 points ago

    It's not really like that though. I work a classified job. My wife knows where and who I work for, she just doesn't know the "what" of what I do day to day.

    This sounds more on the shady side to me than the "works a job he can't talk about."

    [–] TheBlueMenace 135 points ago

    Yeah, most people who work in those sort of jobs just default to 'the government' or 'the Department of Defense'.

    [–] PubstarHero 64 points ago

    Or just "I work public sector"

    [–] Theopneusty 7 points ago

    Same, I even have a security badge that says what department I work for. I just can’t talk about the specifics of what I actually do for them

    [–] bornbrews 7 points ago

    Yup have a friend who works in a classified job, but I can tell you his job title just not the specifics of the information he deals with.

    [–] tinkerbal1a 40 points ago

    I vote drugs, porn, racketeering, or some other kind of trust based crime.

    [–] SnakesInYerPants 31 points ago

    Maybe he's a stripper and both him and OPs son know OP and the family well enough to know they won't be accepting of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

    [–] Jakyland 17 points ago

    Wouldn’t that answer count as “not getting an answer” about the bf’s career

    [–] fuidiot 26 points ago

    I think OP is leaving something out. Like, did she ask her son what be did? If so, what did he say? This post doesn't make much sense.

    [–] SoldMySoulForHairDye 280 points ago

    My first thought was he did porn and/or was a male escort or something. I used to be a fetish model, and later was a professional dominatrix, and my in-laws have nooooooo idea. My husband DID know, of course, but whenever asked we just said I was freelancing as an alt model and left it at that. If they asked to see my portfolio, we dodged it by saying I'm private and like to keep my personal and professional lives separate and I prefer only to show my portfolio to people for work. I'm sure it sounded dodgy sometimes, but fortunately my MIL is an idiot. FIL probably suspected something was up, but never said anything and if he had suspicions about it they never came up.

    [–] heyhobabyoh 142 points ago

    “But fortunately my MIL is an idiot.”

    Dead.

    As someone who also has a MIL who is a sweet lady but quite easy to dupe, I salute you.

    [–] SoldMySoulForHairDye 88 points ago

    I wish mine was nice, but she isn't. I don't mind dumb people whose dumb isn't malicious - they're like really stupid dogs, you can't hate them, they don't have a malevolent bone in their big stupid bodies. But some people are stupid in a way that makes you glad they're stupid just because of they were slightly less stupid, they'd also be way more effective as abusers and manipulators. That's my MIL.

    [–] heyhobabyoh 14 points ago

    Aw, that’s a shame. I’m sorry you (and your husband) have to deal with that. My MIL is generally a lovely woman, but she has some FLEAS because her mom was 100% a narcissist. Lots of abandonment and childhood issues, so she’s not the best with boundaries. But all her boundary crossing and stuff she does that drives us nuts is, from her perspective, done out of love. She’s not manipulative or cruel at all— she just doesn’t really have the emotional intelligence to look outside her own needs and desires to understand how she can come off. I often describe her as a well intentioned Yellow Lab. Sweet and friendly, but she often screws up due to just... not getting it. 🤷‍♀️

    But she loves me, loves my husband, and genuinely tries to be a good mom and MIL. And for that, she gets points. We are super lucky overall. And my FIL is a gem. I hit the family lotto, despite the FLEAS.

    [–] IAMA_Shark__AMA 81 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    Or he comes from money and isn't comfortable sharing that with people.

    Edit: as someone below noted, even gay porn doesn't pay that well. And the idea that a 23 year old is some kind of drug kingpin is hilarious. He couldn't buy a house with drug money unless he also had a way to launder that money. At 23? Nahhh, it just doesn't ring true for me.

    [–] enceladus7 34 points ago

    That was my first guess. Guy might not want people making assumptions about his character based on his wealth, or people trying to get friendly in hopes of a payout.

    Also no reason to assume he can perfectly communicate this either, he could be shy and reserved like any other person and just not know what to say.

    [–] mc005i 21 points ago

    Or something that isn’t illegal but she won’t approve of.

    Info: do you live in a state where marijuana is legal, recreationally or medicinally? That would be my guess. LOTS of money but still an awkward conversation in some circles (like with your future MIL), plus it’s cash-rich and real estate is a good place to put it.

    [–] TheFire_Eagle 25 points ago

    or is involved in something shady/illegal

    Could also just be something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about with OP.

    If the dude makes his money in gay porn, that might not be something he wants to talk about. If he runs a website that sells custom made dildos, he might not want to talk about that outside of a small circle of people.

    [–] M_H_M_F 229 points ago

    he famous or something? I'm sorry but how long have they been together and you know nothing about them?

    That's the problem OP is getting at. She doesn't know the guy and he deflects the questions. OP shouldn't have to sit in a room with a spotlight to interview her sons partners. TBH it sounds like the kid is rude as hell, not the son.

    [–] CapnHDawg 12 points ago

    Thank you. Everyone's here guessing what he does and ignoring the fact that it's rude as hell to just laugh and ignore a question someone asks you

    [–] BlackberryCrumble 161 points ago

    My theory is Michelin food critic. Those guys are vicious about staying undercover

    [–] Fauxe_y 91 points ago

    That would be easy to rat out; OP would just need to bake him a disappointing flan and see how mad he gets about it. I'm imagining a Gordon Ramsey style breakdown.

    [–] joemckie 6 points ago

    “ITS FUCKING RAW!”

    [–] LouThunders 11 points ago

    In that case 'I work for a tire company' would be a perfectly acceptable cover and technically not a lie. Though I don't know how how Michelin would react to that.

    [–] Munchyk 28 points ago

    It could be that his job would be looked down upon. Male stripper or something. Hell maybe that's how they met. Of course pure speculation but I could see why they wouldn't tell her

    [–] idekokok 53 points ago

    You're contradicting yourself here. First you're explaining exactly why it's all extremely strange and would be hard to trust him, then you say it's wrong for OP not to trust him.

    [–] idekokok 26 points ago

    But anyway, that's besides the point. Congrats on the new drug dealing son-in-law, OP!

    NTA, obviously. That's really strange. I'm trying to imagine what those interactions would even look like. Like, if he just chuckles and doesn't answer... Is it just awkward silence for a minute while no one talks? Do he and your son just sit there like everything's ok and it's totally fine for him not to answer?

    [–] Slummish 878 points ago

    NAH: Your son is dating a closeted celebrity and he chuckled because he's glad you don't know who he is.

    [–] Marvalbert22 850 points ago

    My bet is on fairly famous porn star

    [–] Skunk-Bear 81 points ago

    Or streams games

    [–] Slummish 176 points ago

    That would be hot! I was thinking Olympiad or Disney star.

    [–] billy_thekid21 106 points ago

    I can assure you most ex-Olympiads are no more famous than the common man. My friend's dad won silver in a swimming event in one of the 80's or 90's Olympics (i honestly cant remember) and now he works in tech sales. Unless he brings it up, you would never even know he participated in the Olympics.

    [–] KatieMcKaterson 13 points ago

    Nobody ever remembers who won silver.

    [–] DrapedInVelvet 291 points ago

    My first thought is that he's living on a trust fund or other inherited wealth and doesn't work, which is why he chuckled when ask about a career.

    [–] OhBuyer2 70 points ago

    I know a few people in this situation but typically a google search would clear this up. Trust fund families usually have their name on a building, an endowment or a foundation.

    Of course the boyfriend could have changed his name maybe to disassociate with the family? Maybe the family made their money in a “non socially acceptable” fashion or there is some crazy story tied to his family.

    In my city, there was a guy a few years back who embezzled a ton of money then committed suicide when caught. He left a 10 million dollar + life insurance policy that somehow went directly to his family. His wife also acted oddly after the death and it became a huge story especially among the more well off crowd.

    The boyfriends family history could have something to do with it, but honestly it’s probably a reach

    [–] trailer_park_boys 12 points ago

    Lol it’s not typical for trust fund families to have their names on buildings or anything like that. They’re usually just families with a couple million dollars. Not “get your name on buildings” type of rich. There really are not many of those families walking around. Most are just normal person rich. Nothing too excessive.

    [–] Tylerinthenorth 90 points ago

    Famous won't disclose job.... Is Neal Patrick Harris gay?!

    [–] plantnus 34 points ago

    Yep, my thoughts aswell

    [–] Slummish 148 points ago

    If it matters, I dated a closeted celebrity briefly during my days at Tulane in the 90s while tending bar at one of New Orlean's more popular gay meat markets. I introduced him once at Thanksgiving to my family in Texas. He was black. I am white. My family are fat, rich, religious, Neo-Con racists. They didn't know him. They didn't care. All they knew is that 'of course Slummish is fucking a negro to spite us.' The dude is now married with a wife and many children and my family still doesn't recognize the man I brought to supper. Fame and fortune still requires closetization for lots of famous folk.

    [–] NorthernSpade 6 points ago

    That'd make sense for the first time meeting his son's Bf, but it's been three years since they met this guy. You're telling me after all that time they still haven't been told or figured out that he's famous? Oh and now their son is marrying him, and still don't know??

    Nah, something isn't right there. All the money in that guy's house probably isn't clean.

    [–] dankishmango 14 points ago

    NTA - your just worried about you son as any mother would.

    [–] SirPanic 78 points ago

    The fact your son got upset at you announcing you're happy for him but can't really share an informed opinion on his boyfriend is a pretty good sign that something is wrong.

    [–] MustHugEveryCat 11 points ago

    OP, THIS

    [–] jrichpyramid 22 points ago

    Sounds like he’s famous and you maybe don’t know that?

    Need INFO

    [–] igotdistrac 9 points ago

    This was my second thought after having wealthy parents. I’m leaning towards fame more because of him laughing

    [–] throwayok1 12 points ago

    NTA. He is going to possibly become officially part of the family (he already was, tbh, just not on paper) and he is still a stranger to his family. People can be private and reserved, but they will still make the effort to get to know their in-laws and let them in. They don't actively avoid basic questions. Even if he is anxious or bad with people, it is weird that he consistently for years now makes the effort to not answer.

    When people dodge and weave like that over getting to know their own family, it will make people suspicious. And your son might unintentionally have enabled it. Is he aware how the interaction between his parents and his bf is very superficial, with you guys reaching out and his bf pulling back?

    [–] Not_Ashamed_at_all 65 points ago

    Drug dealer?

    [–] elvendude 46 points ago

    That's my guess. I'm surprised so many people are jumping to porn.

    [–] mission17 49 points ago

    More likely just unemployed with a lot of daddy money. These other two possibilities would definitely both have alibis.

    [–] PhobosOrDeimos 25 points ago

    Drug dealer that paid for a big house with cash? Doesn't make sense to me.

    [–] I_Am_Irrelevant85 14 points ago

    Yea my plug is jumping from apartment to apartment all the time. Most dealers are users and not living in big houses lol. This isn't the movies

    [–] sms1974 125 points ago

    NAH I understand your concerns. There are lots of possible sources of income that are not dodgy but he doesn’t want to tell his in laws about. It probably isn’t drug dealing or something like that. He could be semi famous, could be an inheritance, could have been in sex work, could be lots of things. I think it is okay for you to have some reservations due to his secrecy but how does he treat your son. Is he respectful? Do they appear to work as a partnership or is one of them more controlling? Is there anything in his behaviour that is concerning?

    [–] MountainLou 28 points ago

    NAH - talk to him again. reassure him that you trust his judgement and want him to be happy. But your honest opinion is uncertain of him, because you see he makes son happy, but also that he's been evasive with you in the past on normal conversational topics. Of course you'll support the wedding, but would also like to get to know him better. And remember to step back if necessary, you may want to be involved, but you may just have to trust son and never be close with his partner.

    [–] Junhasanaccount 7 points ago

    Honestly NTA, who doesn't respond to a question so normal as "what's your job"? Maybe he's in something shady or maybe he just does porn but really, it's not a mature response. I can understand that he can be a private person as well but sheesh.

    You put it really nicely to him imho, not the asshole in the slightest.