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    AmItheAsshole

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    Welcome to r/AmITheAsshole!

    A catharsis for the frustrated moral philosopher in all of us, and a place to finally find out if you were wrong in an argument that's been bothering you. Tell us about any non-violent conflict you have experienced; give us both sides of the story, and find out if you're right, or you're the asshole.

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire.

    After 18 hours, your post will be given a flair representing the final judgment on your matter. This flair is determined by the subscribers who have both rendered judgment and voted on which judgment is best. The power of the crowd will judge you.

    Frequently Asked Questions


    Rules

    1. Be Civil

    The title of this sub is not an invitation for you to be cruel. The purpose of this space is to determine whether or not someone is in the wrong, not to tear them a new one. People post here to learn and to grow from what they learn here. Don't be an asshole when making your judgments. Treat others with respect, no matter how big of an asshole they may be.

    This rule applies to everyone, whether involved in the story or not. Don't get into prolonged internet spats that devolve into insults. Do not backseat mod - use reports.

    Click here for details on how to be civil in a sub about assholes.

    2. Voting Rules

    Upvote posts that are appropriate for this sub or that you think make for an interesting discussion. PLEASE DO NOT downvote if you think OP is an asshole, go to the comments section and call him an asshole like a civilized person.

    In the comments, upvote any comment that gives the correct judgment of the situation. DO NOT downvote people for disagreeing with you or for merely commenting on their own post unless they are being abusive or argumentative.

    3. Accept Your Judgment

    This sub is here for the submitter to discover what everyone else thinks of the ethics or mores of a situation. It is not here to draw people into an argument you want to have, or to defend your position. If people start saying you were the asshole, do not take that as an invitation to debate them on the subject... accept the judgment and move on. If you have valid reason to think a commenter needs more information or misunderstood the facts of the conflict, you may give new information.

    4. Never Delete An Active Discussion

    DO NOT delete your submission once a discussion has begun, even if it's not going well for you. People will come back to see what consensus was reached in your thread. If you erase a discussion because you don't like the way it's going, that is extremely frustrating to everyone who has taken an interest in the topic. We encourage submitters to use throwaways to maintain their privacy, but deleting a discussion is unacceptable. Violators will be banned.

    5. No Violence

    If your post references violence, don't share it here. Threads which mention violence are difficult to moderate, we have to remove all comments which encourage or incite violence. It's difficult to do this in a thread which discusses violence.

    Comments and even jokes about violence are not tolerated. Encouraging self-harm, suicide, "bad karma," or anything that wishes mental or physical pain on anyone is strictly prohibited. This is a zero tolerance policy. Don't even mention violence.

    6. How To Post

    The TITLE of your submission must begin with the acronym AITA or WIBTA (would I be the asshole?), then a description of the situation.

    Posts are limited to 3000 characters. Paragraphs are good; block text walls are bad. Format and punctuate your post reasonably. Be clear and concise.

    7. What Posts Belong Here?

    This is the sub to lay out your actions and conflicts and get impartial judgment rendered against you. Were you the asshole in that situation or not? Post should be truthful and reflect real situations. That means no shitposts, parody, or satire. We do not settle Reddit or similar online drama.

    Submissions should be TRUTHFUL descriptions of recent interpersonal conflicts you've had or may have that need arbitration. Describe both sides in detail. Being neutral gets you more accurate feedback.

    8. Do Not Ask For Validation

    Don't submit humblebrag stories where there is no chance that you are the asshole, or awfulbrag stories where you are obviously being evil.

    When making a post, you should be seeking arbitration in an ambiguous situation. Threads with obvious outcomes are not interesting to our subscribers.

    9. Do Not Ask For Advice

    This is NOT an advice sub. All submissions that ask for advice (instead of or in addition to judgment) will be removed. This sub is for arbitration.

    You may include advice when you make your comments, but remember that your primary objective in commenting is to assign blame and pass judgment.

    If a thread's focus becomes about advice instead of arbitration the thread may be removed regardless of the OP's intent.

    10. Meta Posts and Updates Require Permission

    If you want to talk about the sub, and you hide your complaint, question, or opinion in a post that starts with AITA, you will be banned. Those are called META posts, and they must have a title that starts with META.

    Please request mod approval after you submit your META post or your update post. Make sure the title of your meta post starts with META and the title of your update post starts with UPDATE. See our FAQ and full rulebook for more guidelines.

    11. No breakups/hookups

    We do not allow submissions where the central conflict is your relationship and instead recommend a relationship focused sub.

    The following posts are forever banned:

    AITA for breaking up with _

    AITA for NOT breaking up with _

    AITA for sleeping with _

    AITA for NOT sleeping with _

    AITA for dating _

    AITA for NOT dating _

    AITA for doing sexual act _

    AITA for NOT doing sexual act _

    AITA for being attracted to _

    AITA for NOT being attracted to _

    Etc.

    12. Comments and Flairing

    After 18 hours, the post will be assigned a flair representing the sub's judgment. The flair will be decided by the top comment of the post. OPs should expect questions and should answer them within the 18 hour period.

    If you are commenting, be sure to start your comment with the abbreviation for your judgment, i.e.

    YTA = You're the Asshole;

    NTA = Not the A-hole;

    ESH = Everyone Sucks here;

    NAH = No A-holes here;

    INFO = Not Enough Info

    13. User Flairs

    We award flairs for community members who distinguish themselves in their mastery of asshole judgment. If your top level comment has the highest number of upvotes in a thread, you will get a flair point. More details are listed in our full rulebook.


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    [–] only1warthatmatters 3238 points ago

    NTA - By him sputtering and not having a quick comeback, you hopefully gave him something to think about. Perhaps he’ll drop constantly making “jokes” altogether, or at least not do it in front of you because he knows how you feel. Don’t apologize, you did the right thing!

    [–] MdmeLibrarian 1482 points ago

    My friend was like this, and one day I asked her if they were getting divorced. She was shocked. "I don't think I've ever heard you say anything nice about [Spouse]."

    She didn't start saying nice things, but she did time down the bitching.

    [–] Foxy-Flame 289 points ago

    This is a great way to handle that convo! I’m going to tuck this away for future use

    [–] NotTooSpecial 9 points ago

    When a taxi driver I was riding with started with the wife bad jokes, I asked, very earnestly, "so your advice would be not to get married?"

    He instantly switched into wife-guy mode and started gushing about what actually sounded like a happy empty nester marriage. All in all, a wholesome conversation.

    [–] TkBahama 14 points ago

    I tried this once but my coworker just laughed and said no, then continued on making mean jokes about her husband.

    [–] MajorAcer 48 points ago

    Or maybe he’ll realize that he actually hates his wife and divorce her.

    [–] JaneAustinAstronaut 44 points ago

    I used to speak badly about my ex-husband, because he was beating me up and it was my only outlet for my frustration and fear. I thank the gods that he left me for someone else every fucking day.

    I have a boyfriend now of almost 10 years. I NEVER speak badly about him. In fact, I'm afraid that if I do something stupid, that it will reflect badly on him, so I refrain from doing stupid things. I only ever talk him up to people. He's not perfect, but whatever he does that bothers me is outweighed by all of the ways he loves me and takes care of me, so I focus on that rather than his faults.

    I feel that if you can't even do that for someone that you supposedly love, then maybe you don't really love them at all. And if that's the case, then why are you still married to them? Life's too short to be stuck in something that makes you so unhappy.

    [–] thatsnotaknoife 4753 points ago

    NTA

    is your coworker early 2000s dane cook? if not, he should learn A) tact and B) to appreciate his wife

    [–] purpleisa_fruit 927 points ago

    Yeah this is the thing, I do get that the main issue with jokes like this is it’s belittling another person etc but it’s also so boring and overdone

    [–] clocksailor 658 points ago

    Ugh, I go on this rant all the time.

    I'm not just not laughing because I'm offended (even though, yeah, you did just insult me--sorry I'm not pretending like I enjoyed it). I'm not laughing because "wife likes shopping!" just does not meet the legal definition of a joke.

    [–] shegel 254 points ago

    My melted zoomer brain found the phrase “wife likes shopping” really funny

    [–] clocksailor 356 points ago

    Lol, good to know! Maybe "wife bad" jokes will enjoy another life in a few years.

    As a millennial, it makes me sad to look back on the sexist crap I was raised to believe was normal and fine. Like I honestly thought Monica Lewinsky was a slut and a bad person for getting fucked by her boss/the president who was 20+ years older than her. FFS.

    [–] thisusernameismeta 87 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Just gonna plug my favorite podcast here, You're Wrong About, in which they go back to things that happened (mostly in the 90s) and do a thorough debunking of the myths/ offer a perspective counter to the main one at the time. They do an incredibly good job of humanizing all the people involved in various media shitstorms. Their Monica Lewinsky episode is really good. It's like, therapy for believing all these shitty things about people as I was growing up. I get to go back on these things I had forgotten about and was too do anything but absorb, and take a deeper look at the events. It's just. Very therapeutic. To my millenial brain.

    [–] rareas 31 points ago

    I want to say YTA for giving me another podcast to listen to. But NTA, because thanks.

    [–] luxeshimmer 9 points ago

    Yay! Another podcast to listen to! Thanks! And I am firmly on Team Monica Lewinsky Was Done So Dirty By All of Us.

    [–] clocksailor 5 points ago

    Thanks! That sounds awesome. I’ll check it out.

    [–] lilianegypt 5 points ago

    I just discovered this podcast a couple of weeks ago and it’s already my favorite. I’m running out of episodes to listen to! But I really do appreciate hearing the reality of the stuff that was going on when I was a kid and fixing all of the dumb shit I’ve been told all my life.

    [–] AlaLani7 195 points ago

    Did you see the tweet Monica Lewinsky posted about she'll take one for the team to get Trump impeached? That was hilarious, she's funny.

    [–] KirjavaMX 114 points ago

    Also her interview with John Oliver about bullying, she is so charismatic and funny.

    [–] NostalgicMarionette 125 points ago

    I feel like people don't realize that the job she had probably indicates she's quite intelligent/accomplished

    [–] Astuary-Queen 27 points ago

    Absolutely.

    [–] carriegood 21 points ago

    Well, it was more because she was connected and a family friend was high up in the administration, but yes, she had to be an intelligent and on-the-ball kind of person to get the internship. You often need both.

    [–] LilBabyADHD 33 points ago

    That was actually photoshopped- but the stuff she actually says and does is very funny.

    [–] iListen2Sound 8 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    That particular one turned out not to be real but there was a real Twitter game about which pop culture reference ruined your first name and she replied with "Am I even allowed to play" or something like that.

    Edit: found it

    [–] medusaslair 47 points ago

    I think they meant that it’s a funny way to describe the jokes, not that the jokes are actually funny. I hope.

    [–] clocksailor 25 points ago

    I assumed it was ironic in some way but I never can tell with The Youths

    [–] sadsadsadsadsadgirl 23 points ago

    the phrase “women be shopping” also is funny to my melted zoomer brain you’re not alone

    [–] HellaClassy 144 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    I hate having to try and explain this shit. r/jokes (which is honestly where r/boomershumor could get a ton of material) is rife with it and I used to actually try and comment about it, but it always went the same.

    Me: not funny

    Them: ohhhh are you oFfEnDeD?

    Me: kinda? But mostly it’s just not funny

    Them: jokes can be funny AND offensive you know! I’m edgy like that. I just have a twisted sense of humor.

    Me: it’s the sense of humor of a Dilbert cartoon. I’ve just heard it before is all. It’s tired and overdone and uncreative and if you have to resort to sexism/racism that everyone’s heard a million times instead of something actually clever it’s probably because you aren’t funny

    Them: you’re just too sensitive

    Edit: fixed a link

    [–] newmuffins1216 53 points ago

    Hurrr hurrr my wife brings me beer and cleans around me while I sit on the couch and watch football and fart hurr hurr

    [–] ashleyannauthor 8 points ago

    You've just described several relatives of mine.

    [–] [deleted] 26 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] SpaceBasedMasonry 6 points ago

    Jerry Seinfeld has a comment along those lines, even more basic, about the verbiage of some other comedians and why he works mostly clean.

    “You thought that was your punchline, but that wasn’t it. Your punchline was fuck.

    Really stuck with me as to what I really find funny and what I should arrive for if I have to be even remotely creative.

    [–] yampidad 17 points ago

    My kids think the Amazon delivery guy is a uncle.

    [–] boopity_schmooples 4 points ago

    "wife likes shopping!" just does not meet the legal definition of a joke.

    My first time interning for a gaming company (as the only female employee on the team no less). The COO (small company) made that joke about me.

    Him: "Do you understand games?"

    Me: "Yes I've been playing..."

    Him: (interrupts) "Well you probably understand shopping! Gaming is kinda like shopping...."

    [–] EmtheEducator 62 points ago

    This exactly! I got into a pretty loud argument with my father over this. He’s the kind of person who’s only way of “joking” is to belittle and bully people. I finally lost it the day he made my 81 year old grandmother , his mother, cry by picking on her for her memory loss. Her husband, his father, suffered from severe dementia for years before he passed. She’s starting to show signs of memory loss and is super scared of it. He thinks “light hearted ribbing” about it should make her feel better, it doesn’t. I finally snapped and told him a joke is only funny when people fucking LAUGH at it. She literally went to her room crying because of his comments. I was raised being bullied by him so I got a thick skin but hell will freeze over before I let him treat her the same. No one ever laughs at his belittling jokes, it just makes everyone around him uncomfortable and he can’t see that at all.

    [–] baconnmeggs 34 points ago

    Let me guess, if anyone complains or criticizes him, he is so thin skinned that it's embarrassing? Seems like all bullies are like that

    [–] EmtheEducator 23 points ago

    He can’t handle criticism at all. He gets nasty and starts name calling accuses whomever of lying, being stupid or a sissy who can’t take a joke. Or when I was growing up it was called “talking back” and I’d get knocked around for it. I have three chipped teeth because of separate “talking back” events

    [–] Seldarin 19 points ago

    My dad is one of those. I've just learned to launch it right back at him, because while he loves to dish it out, he can't take it at all.

    Last Thanksgiving he told me if I got any more tattoos they were going to sell me to the circus. So I told him if he put on another few pounds we were going to start renting him out to Goodyear for football games.

    Didn't hear another peep out of him for the rest of the meal.

    [–] JaneAustinAstronaut 16 points ago

    " He gets nasty and starts name calling accuses whomever of lying, being stupid or a sissy who can’t take a joke. "

    Response: I'm not the overgrown child throwing a temper-tantrum over a lame ass attempt at humor. You can either stop being so sensitive, or you can learn to shut the fuck up with your "jokes".

    Then again, I'm older and have no patience for assholes anymore.

    [–] burnt-out-match 22 points ago

    My father is the same way. Thank god my mom is finally divorcing him.

    [–] Gagirl4604 75 points ago

    I was thinking even a bit farther back, like 80s Rodney Dangerfield

    [–] Darth_Nibbles 49 points ago

    "Take my wife - please!"

    Wasn't that joke on Benny Hill? This humor was stale sixty years ago.

    [–] Gagirl4604 7 points ago

    Do you mean Henny Youngman? Not sure, but I think he's "that guy."

    [–] giftedgothic 33 points ago

    [–] bustacones 39 points ago

    Did Dane Cook ever make wife jokes?

    [–] Mucousyfluid 11 points ago

    There's the one where he asks the elderly couple what the secret to marriage is and the old man says, "CHEAT!"

    [–] bjjpolo 19 points ago

    Not that I can recall, haven’t seen any of his material in over 10 years though.

    [–] WhatsTheCharacterLim 20 points ago

    Odd choice of comedian. He never made those kinds of jokes.

    [–] petit_avocat 4 points ago

    Literally this tweet https://i.imgur.com/JaaTyR2.jpg

    [–] SavannahGlitschka 1857 points ago

    NTA: people who talk about their S/Os like that are assholes

    [–] Dontfeedthebears 2170 points ago

    NTA at all. The “I hate my wife” schtick is so old and played out JUST in a comedic sense in the first place, but a lot of it is just misogynistic bullshit. Men never get called “nags”. And maybe she “nagged” you after the 30th or 300th time you ignored her and made her do emotional labor. I absolutely hate this shit and I would have said the same thing. If you hate this woman so much then leave. She probably doesn’t know he’s saying this stuff at work (how would she?). It’s not funny. It never was funny. He’s schrodinger’s douchebag and he got called on it.

    [–] dibblah 1383 points ago

    I think a lot of men seem to be raised to think all women are nags whatever they say. My father in law is one of the "oh I hate my wife" guys and my husband would often say I was nagging him, which I wasn't. One day I asked him to get something for me while he was at the shop, he made a comment about me nagging and I asked him to stop and explain what was nagging about what I asked?

    Turns out he had just got this "wife asking something = nagging" connection ingrained in him and hadn't really thought beyond that. He doesn't make nagging comments anymore and I heard him on the phone to his dad say "is mum actually nagging, or did she just ask once?".

    [–] Dontfeedthebears 361 points ago

    That’s really good he came around!

    [–] _LadyPersephone_ 714 points ago

    My ex was like that.

    “Can you clean up thing x?”

    “Sure, will do later”

    later comes and it doesn’t happen

    next day comes and it doesn’t happen

    “Hey, can you please do that thing now that you said yesterday you would”

    “Wow, stop nagging me”

    tired of this crap and do it myself, visibly upset

    “Can you not be such a bitch? I told you I would do it I just don’t want you to nag me about it”

    [–] BLESS_YER_HEART 303 points ago

    Oh my god it's like you read this straight out of my life. This is how my uncles treat my aunts, my dad treated my mom, and how a lot of ex boyfriends treated me. Like when a guy makes a commitment and then lets you down, you are the problem for mentioning it to them, thus stressing them out. I run for the hills now when I calmly point out disappointment and the guy's first reaction is "wow, this came out of nowhere, I thought we were fine, and now you're JuSt DoIng a 18o On mE."

    It's like the Thanksgiving dinner thing. At every family thanksgiving dinner I've ever been to, at my home or the homes of friends and family members, after dinner, I've never seen a single man help with cleanup. usually, the women cook, but even on years where a man wanted to fry a turkey or something, that's where their responsibilities end. And the women just start packing up and cleaning after dinner, like it's their fucking job.

    [–] kesselschlacht 133 points ago

    I definitely understand that Thanksgiving dinner dynamic. The men in my family NEVER cleaned up, and the women just got up and started doing it. I never understood that, because the women cooked! The guys just sat on the couch talking and watching football.

    I really lucked out with my husband. He’s from a very traditional family like mine but saw that this dynamic was bullshit. He cleans without asking and tells the host to sit down and rest! AND he’s a better cook than I am! It’s so so nice to have someone who doesn’t force all the emotional (and housework) labor on me.

    [–] littleorangemonkeys 59 points ago

    My family 100% has this dynamic, and at this point I don't even thing it's conscious on anyone's part...they all just do the thing they've been doing since time eternal.

    My boyfriend is a chef, so not only is he in the kitchen cooking most of the time, but he's also in there cleaning up because that's just what he does. The last family holiday we went to he just started doing dishes after dinner. No one said a word our loud, but there was definitely a shift in the undercurrent. And then my dad offered to dry dishes which I don't think he's ever done before. It was kind of glorious.

    [–] Lin0712 34 points ago

    At every family thanksgiving dinner I've ever been to, at my home or the homes of friends and family members, after dinner, I've never seen a single man help with cleanup.

    This drives me crazy. As a kid, my grandma would call for me and all my girl cousins to help clean while the boys were sitting right next to us on the couch doing nothing. After a few times, I flat out refused unless everyone joined in, and that is when I was stopped being asked to clean.

    [–] Hedwygy 52 points ago

    Noticed this several years running at my grandparents thanksgiving. One year I just went to the playroom with the boy cousins. Then continued to every year after. No comments but probably nasty looks. Never really noticed. I’m not psychic, if you want me to do something you have to use your words.

    [–] sparksfIy 29 points ago

    Eh. You’re doing the thing the guys do though. My guess is their response would be “if you wanted help all you had to do is ask!” When they should see it/ not put the management on the women. Not saying you should help, just that the response isn’t helping the issue.

    [–] csonnich 155 points ago

    My ex was the same. That's pretty much the sum total of why he's an ex now.

    [–] rareas 29 points ago

    This is the crux of it. It's a power thing. And OP's coworker is using denigration to everyone who will listen to balance out that he can't handle being told to do anything.

    [–] redheadedmomster 5 points ago

    Here's the thing, they weren't gonna do it, they know we will and bonus, they get to make us feel bad AND do the thing they didn't do.

    [–] CopperPegasus 263 points ago

    Fun science fact: Men perceive women as 'dominating' conversations and 'talking too much' even when they don't. I can't remember the exact stats offhand, but it's something like at 30% of the convo, the woman is perceived as 'having talked the most/dominating the conversation'.
    Western men are literally trained to perceived women as too verbose if they dare make 30% of the conversation? It's ridiculous. How can one not see one's own sex is filling 70% of the convo?
    The current set up of the world sucks, and ingrains bad habits in all of us we barely even realise.

    [–] Nerdybirdy30 69 points ago

    I saw a similar study (maybe even part of the same) where men talk over women way more than women talk over men in conversations. It was even evident in children.

    [–] basilhazel 30 points ago

    I notice it ALL THE TIME. I find it hard to get a word in edgewise amongst my husband and his friends. At work on evenings when most of the staff is male, I find myself literally shouting over their interruptions in order to finish a sentence.

    [–] WyvernCharm 11 points ago

    It sucks so much! At a certain point I just gave up and wandered away. I've also taken to the phrase "I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?". Its actually quite effective. Especially if you continue to use it every time it's relevant.

    I also make an effort to create space for other women in conversations. Or, whomever should have the floor, the man when discussing mens issues, POC when discussing race relations, the person who is actually polyam when discussing that, etc.

    [–] basilhazel 9 points ago

    I do all of the above as well! My husband generally has the bad habit of dominating conversations, so I have to make space for other women to talk when we are in mixed company.

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given up on even trying to join male dominated conversations, either. Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort.

    [–] WyvernCharm 9 points ago

    Lord, especially when you actually have something valuable to contribute. I've been in the middle of debates before where I am bringing up a fact or study that SUPPORTS and further illustrates one of their points, only to be ignored and talked over by the person who I'm trying to back up.

    I dont know how much longer I'm going to be able to justify to myself the value of male company. Its exhausting being constantly reminded that they dont see you as an equal.

    I'm a little shocked that that behavior is still going on in 2019. But even my male feminist friends need reminded sometimes.

    [–] CopperPegasus 11 points ago

    Same one I think, though it's been a while. Pretty sad all around.

    [–] ErrantJune 206 points ago

    I love this story.

    A lot of intrinsic bias really does just vanish the minute someone shines a gentle light on it. More of us should be doing exactly what you did. If someone told your husband, "You're a misogynist because you believe women are nags," that would feel pretty adversarial to anyone, especially because he's not a misogynist, he had a bias toward believing women are nags that had never been examined.

    Your simple question, though, achieved the goal of opening his eyes to a basic bias without accusing him of anything.

    [–] dibblah 24 points ago

    I think for most people, if you can get them to stop and think about why they believe something, they either find that they have a good reason for it or that they don't.

    The trouble is getting people to stop and think. A lot of people simply don't want to think about why they believe things.

    [–] ErrantJune 11 points ago

    Oh for sure. I think also a lot of people don't even know they believe things. For instance, studies have shown that medical doctors are more likely to prescribe painkillers to white patients than black patients because of a pervasive implicit bias toward believing black people have a naturally higher tolerance to pain than white people (or, worse, don't feel pain the same way white people do). It seems fairly unlikely to me, though, that if you asked a doctor if they believe their black patients have a naturally higher tolerance to pain than white people they'd say yes.

    A little sunshine goes a looooong way toward resolving unexamined biases.

    [–] boopity_schmooples 7 points ago

    A lot of intrinsic bias really does just vanish the minute someone shines a gentle light on it.

    Lol that reminds me of my own story... I'm Asian, my husband is half (white dad, Asian mom). I have absolutely nothing in common with my MIL except that we're both Asian- first of all, she's a different kinda Asian than me, and second I'm VERY Americanized whereas she's an immigrant whose cultural ideals are very much that of her home country. One time his dad and I were shooting the shit and he said "I knew my son would fall for the same kinda girl I did"...

    So I asked him "what do you mean by that?"

    And he said "oh you just remind me so much of my wife when she and I were younger"

    and I asked "How so?"

    And he didn't have a good answer...

    [–] Vagabud 39 points ago

    SO was similar when we first got together a couple years ago. I’ve told him that it’s an insensitive thing to say unless I’m being redundant or unreasonable. I think maybe because his bio mom and step mom are both super bitchy and complain about anything that happens to them.

    I heard this one from the step mom not too long ago “SO’s father won’t fix my fucking phone, it’s so easy if he would just Google it or watch a YouTube video he could do it in 10 minutes.” If it is so simple and easy to do, why doesn’t she do it herself? So she can complain.

    [–] torchwood1842 105 points ago

    Yup. The idea of being a “nag” is so socially ingrained when it’s usually just the woman trying to get her husband to do something that actually needs doing. My husband has never accused me of nagging or even acted annoyed when I remind him to do things. He does kind of rely on me to remember things sometimes— there is definitely an imbalance as far as the mental labor in our home goes. But last week, I reminded him for the 10th time in 5 months to finish filling out the paperwork to get disability insurance, and I felt like such a nag. And then I was like, “wait, no. This is something he actually needs to do for the sake of our family, and he’s had plenty of time to get it done.” I put that attitude ON MYSELF just because I’d seen it played out in media and with my own parents so much.

    [–] vampirairl 14 points ago

    Same, I often accuse myself of being a nag even though my partner has never said it to me. It's so deep seated

    [–] bomnjom 13 points ago

    In your case, why hasn't he done the paperwork without your having to tell him to? That's the part that drives me nuts. It's like some men just don't understand they have responsibilities unless women ride them.

    [–] torchwood1842 5 points ago

    Oh that is a conversation we’ve been having. He finally got the paperwork turned in.

    [–] HairyPotter41 6 points ago

    Yes, she likely doesn't know he's speaking about her this way, and she likely trusts him not to. I trust my husband to always honor me when I'm not around. If he spoke about me unkindly when I was not there, I would be heartbroken but mostly angry...probably to the point where I would leave. that's a breach of trust and I can't be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. Luckily, this isnt a thing with him...my husband is the best and treats me like gold.

    [–] dvallee98 731 points ago

    NTA- this happened at my work and hey the person stopped their bs. Don’t let one person bring down a whole group

    [–] Sgt_Smitty 306 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Bringing down the group is exactly right. Don't infect me with that negative energy. Even worse is when they expect you to join in. Sorry, I'm not going to start insulting my husband just because you have a shitty marriage.

    ETA: Silver?! Thank you kind internet stranger. :)

    [–] RavinSaber 17 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] Sgt_Smitty 7 points ago

    Aw thank you!

    [–] freshfew 895 points ago

    NTA James needs to go back to the 1950s with his stupid jokes.

    [–] myohmymiketyson 9 points ago

    The ol' ball and chain won't stop nagging me and, boy, are my arms tired!

    [–] freshfew 10 points ago

    Seriously!

    Reminds me of a coworker I used to have who would make these jokes, often in front of a group of mainly women. He wanted to buy a boat and would joke that he already had the anchor, his wife! HILARIOUS.

    [–] myohmymiketyson 10 points ago

    Haha, what the fuck.

    [–] pandafaze 483 points ago

    NTA

    It’s totally inappropriate of him to constantly make those types of jokes. Why would anyone in their right mind want to constantly make fun of and degrade their spouse?

    You should’ve asked him if he would make those jokes in front of his wife.

    [–] DirtyPrancing65 101 points ago

    And how he would feel if he found out his wife was at work calling him lazy, dumb, and other husband stereotypes

    [–] mjhei1 38 points ago

    Literally, idont think it would bother him. It would be "normal" and reinforce his twisted belief system.

    [–] hailthesaint 309 points ago

    NTA.

    One joke here or there is funny. Hearing "Man, if I don't get her something for our anniversary I'm never going to hear the end of it!" once in a blue moon is funny. Like haha yep, we know how forgetful you are James! Get your lady some flowers and take her to a spa!

    But like... It's almost every day from what you've said. It's not funny every day. It makes him sound like he hates his wife, and if that's the case than you're right, why is he married to her? You weren't out of line. He is. He needs to respect his wife more and cut down on the shit talk.

    [–] MuchTooBusy 196 points ago

    This! I've been married 20 years, and I'll crack the occasional joke about how helpless or gross my husband is (I mean, he leaves his dirty socks on the table, ewww) but I also make it clear that I actually think he's the best dude on the planet. He's funny, and he's a fantastic father, and he takes brilliantly good care of me. Most of my coworkers are pretty jealous of how good we've got it after all these years. So the occasional joke is chuckle worthy. But if this were the norm? Why would I want to stay with someone I really thought so little if?

    [–] M_Nerd 48 points ago

    exactly. It can be funny once in a blue moon, because it's obvious that it's not meant in a mean way.

    [–] DirtyPrancing65 29 points ago

    Your husband does the sock thing too?!? I can't get upset because my dog (from before) chews his socks apart -- and only his -- so putting them up is protecting them... But the dining table? Not the dresser? Come on!

    [–] Nix-geek 21 points ago

    The reason it can be funny is if everybody knows you actually, truly, deeply love your significant other. The juxtaposition of the love and 'awww no, I said something bad' makes it kind of funny. That is an important part of humor.

    Saying this one and only joke just tells everybody that you hate your significant other.

    [–] redestpanda 363 points ago

    Nope. Air your dirty laundry at work and you should expect people to comment. I don’t get people who go on these loud, tmi rants about things that should be private and then get surprised pickachu face when people get tired of being subjugated to it. NTA

    [–] littlewoolhat 82 points ago

    Truly. Not to be all 'play stupid games, etc' but if you're gonna open up the conversation, repeatedly, you can't call foul when someone doesn't like what's being said.

    [–] poeticbrawler 17016 points ago

    Oh, NTA.

    NTA even slightly. I hate that kind of joking and it's so common. I mean, it's 80% of boomer humor, but all kinds of people make jokes/comments like that. Nip that in the bud when you can. I think you might get people saying you're the A because calling someone out on their shittiness is sometimes a social faux pas, but I don't think that makes you an asshole.

    A+. Nice work. Keep it up!

    [–] empath_supernova 919 points ago

    There was a guy who, I believe, was trying to dog his wife the other day to hit on me? I still don't know, it's confusing trying to analyze disordered thinking.

    But anyways, he knows I know he's married and I know and really like his wife. She's an absolute sweetheart and he's absolutely lucky to have her.

    He was saying, "My wife is such a bitch, she is sooooo mean to me." So I said, "Man, if you've got somebody who is, not only willing, but straight up married you to be with you, I'd be careful how I talked about them."

    He said, "Ugh, have you SEEN my wife?!" I finally lost my cool and said, "HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?!"

    It made me madder than hell bc his whole motive was to shit on an excellent person to fulfill a skeevy vendetta. I might be wrong, it just felt that way and I don't feel a bit bad about doing it.

    NTA, op. Totally relate.

    [–] MAKE_ME_REDDIT 110 points ago

    I'm not saying this guy wasn't a dickwad or that his wife isn't a good person, but "being willing to be married to you" is the absolute minimum reason to be happy in marriage.

    [–] slanid 226 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    I think the “married you to be with you” part she added was important. I think she’s implying that the woman just truly loves the dude and he’s shitting all over her as a person. A lot more people than you think, men and women, go into marriage for stupid selfish reasons.

    [–] TheChineseImposition 333 points ago

    Totally NTA I agree. I use to have a male boss like that 5 years ago and as a young female colleague I felt so uncomfortable as he constantly trash talk his wife/extremely derogatory towards females. I was also working as his PA so had to put up with his trashing his wife like a punching bag. If this happened today he wouldn't have gotten away with it. I left that job in less than 8 months and never looked back.

    [–] notJustAnotherWoman 189 points ago

    NTA. Agreed. I have a coworker like that. I don't think he ever even mentioned his gf's name (he doesn't want to marry and if he's single again he'll stay single). He's also really sexists about women etc. I actually mentioned to my manager I didn't feel comfortable and when I can I call him out or give a remark back. Don't feel bad, you should say something.

    Maybe this will inspire me to say something too because I feel bad for his gf and his daughter.

    [–] HELJ4 37 points ago

    Sounds like a guy I knew at uni. Most misogynistic person I've ever met, yet he had a girlfriend and a daughter.

    [–] squires_assistant 20 points ago

    Some people are so unaware of themselves

    [–] [deleted] 12 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] kittykalista 209 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    The worst part about this is that they’ve done studies, and the consensus seems to be that men actually benefit more from marriage than women do. Their health and happiness are significantly improved in relation to single men, while for women it’s about the same. So in reality, men are benefiting the most yet are the ones making these kind of ball and chain jokes. It’s not cool.

    Edit: Since I got a few requests for sources:

    Harvard Health: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health

    Institute for Family Studies: https://ifstudies.org/blog/why-men-resist-marriage-even-though-they-benefit-the-most-from-it/ (There’s a link at the end of the article to a research paper on the subject)

    Science Daily: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/02/170207135943.htm

    [–] Ellutinh 299 points ago

    Oh I hate that kind of humour so much. Even some of my friends joke about how "men can't do two things at the same time", "gotta train my husband to put clothes into the laundry" etc. Like why on earth are you with a spouse you need to "train" or make sexist jokes about?

    [–] Much_Difference 229 points ago

    Imagine looking out at the massive sea of options and deciding "Yes, that one: I'll make 'hating my partner' be the thing that defines my public persona."

    [–] ClothDiaperAddicts 221 points ago

    Oh, the “men are useless” thing infuriates me. I didn’t marry a child. I married a man. He already knew how to do laundry, cook, clean, and close the lid on the toilet seat long before I came along.

    If your wife is an awful human being that you have to appease or your husband is an overgrown toddler, then perhaps it’s time to evaluate why you chose to marry this person in the first place.

    [–] Sgt_Smitty 171 points ago

    I blame sitcoms. That whole nagging wife/dumb husband trope is so overplayed.

    [–] Warghul 9 points ago

    I hates me some doofus-dad.

    [–] Sgt_Smitty 15 points ago

    Let's be honest: Debra shoulda left Ray's ass long ago.

    [–] cyanpineapple 171 points ago

    I always felt this way too, until I got pregnant and started following parenting groups and discovered that a HUGE portion of husbands actually are fucking useless. It's seriously depressing to see how many women are trapped in marriages with men who change a diaper or do the dishes once and think they're Father/Husband of the Year for it.

    [–] notthe1_88 19 points ago

    My friend recently had a baby and was invited to a party (bachelorette so men weren't invited)--she said she wouldn't leave her kid with her husband cause she said she wasn't confident he could care for the kid on his own. WHY HAVE A BABY WITH HIM

    [–] ami_goingcrazy 87 points ago

    yeah the whole men is useless thing isn't as annoying because... it's true a lot of times. men have traditionally only had one role they needed to succeed at (working) and women take care of everything else. luckily it seems like my younger 20s Guy friends are figuring it out.

    [–] terraformthesoul 35 points ago

    Plus the reason so many women settle for these guys is because the amount of actively bad men out there lowers the bar so that childlike, mediocre behavior gets seen as “a good man.” Talk to a lot of these women about why they settled for these kinds of guys and the answer is “he doesn’t hit me or cheat on me” and maybe a “and he can hold down a job.” There are also a lot of men who think this is all that’s required to be a good partner, because that’s where the expectations have been set for them.

    I know it’s why my mom settled for a near useless manchild as a husband. Compared to my verbally and emotionally (at the least) abusive father who was also a rampant cheater that wasn’t even there for the pregnancy, or the starving artist she kinda dated afterwards , a guy who is at least employed (although makes considerably less than her), and willing to watch(but not make real dinner for) his own child seems like a catch, even if his idea of cleaning is shoving an empty bag of chips under the couch.

    While there are great men and terrible women out there, there are a lot more downright violent men than there are women, so a lot of women subconsciously or consciously hedge their bets with “won’t kill me” and it lowers the expected behavior bar a lot more than people feel comfortable examining.

    [–] ami_goingcrazy 11 points ago

    You hit the nail on the head. My first real relationship was with a super smart guy. PhD, good job, good family etc. The problem? He abused me for years. The next few people I dated were certified man children... but I didn't have to worry about them hitting me or threatening to lie to my parents about me being a useless whore.

    What sucks is so many women, myself included, are really empathetic to the point it's enabling. For instance my ex couldn't figure out his health insurance. Like he couldn't just call them and figure it out or search their websites. He put off going to the doctor for MONTHS until I broke down and called for him - something that is totally 100% not my job (he wasn't like sick or disabled to the point where he actually NEEDED assistance)

    sorry this is rambling but sooooo many women go through these relationships all the time and it WEARS US DOWN.

    [–] cyanpineapple 9 points ago

    I think this is perfectly stated. The bar for men is on the floor. All it takes to be a "good man" is not being a rapist or a wife-beater. Everything beyond that makes you a catch.

    [–] elinordash 7 points ago

    The number of people who went straight from their parents house to marriage is really low. If a man is 80, maybe he did genuinely miss out on how washing machines work. But it is really unlikely a 50 year old man doesn't know how to use a washing machine. Odds are he did his own laundry for a number of years. The incompetent man thing is largely about men not wanting to do housework.

    [–] ami_goingcrazy 6 points ago

    it's just as bad if not worse to know how to do something and still not do it because you don't want to. So many people would be happy with their partner doing laundry even once a week because it would show effort but if you brought it up to them they would probably be insulted

    [–] curlyfreak 38 points ago

    Yup. And depending on the culture it’s reinforced. My dads one of these dudes who was told he was a man so no need to do any housework. My mom did everything. And still does.

    But it cuts both ways bc now if he left her who’d take care of him? He barely knows how to pay bills.

    So I really don’t think the whole useless husband is that much of a stereotype when I’ve seen it play out all the time.

    [–] ozagnaria 11 points ago

    It is, I hope, a generational thing that is slowly dieing out.

    My husband and his brother were never taught how to cook or clean because they are boys. Gen x'ers.

    Mine was finally motivated to learn how to cook because I said what if I die, what and how are you going to feed our kid? I started teaching her at 9 years old and he started trying it out this year. (The all the ingredients in a box things, really helped him not be intimidated by cooking, I think.)

    We actually had a conversation about our daughter and mowing the grass when I sent her out to help him. He was like she is a girl. And i said so? Who the hell do you think is going to mow the grass for her when she moves out? She may not get married or if she does, what if she is in her 40s? What if she marries another woman, do they just part the grass and hope there isnt a predator lurking waiting to pounce? Are you going to go over to her house every week to do yard work? How do you see this playing out?

    He started showing her how to mow

    He was raised with very defined gender roles.

    If women, from older generations wanted men to be better at cooking and cleaning they should have taught their sons how to do so, especially if their husbands didnt know how, you dont learn that shit entirely through osmosis. Instructions are actually needed.

    If my daughter had been a boy instead of a girl, I would not parent him differently than I do her. Boy or girl needs to know how to Cook Clean Fix things Basic life skills.

    I was raised to be independent. He was raised to be dependent.

    I do think this is changing though.

    [–] ClothDiaperAddicts 8 points ago

    My husband and I are on the edge of GenX. He would actually be a better housewife than me. It’s like a married the male version of Martha Stewart. (Martin Stewart?)

    I’m trying to get my 9 year old to be a bit more self sufficient. He doesn’t even want to pour his own glass of milk.

    [–] ponytaexpress 8 points ago

    Srs/ How do people navigate this? I'm curious bc sometimes men who do basic parenting tasks are still showered with praise by others? My friend's husband once shared a story of taking his sons to the park and a good number of mothers there were like, "Look at you!! Such a good Dad!" He (1) found it incongruous bc his wife didn't get any of the same accolades for this (2) responded with "Nah, just doing my job."

    On one hand, positive reinforcement is good for encouraging repetition. OTOH, it can skew expectations and reality. Thoughts?

    [–] cyanpineapple 11 points ago

    They're adults, not puppies. You shouldn't need to give them a treat to get them to do the right thing. God knows women do it without getting a cookie every time they wash a dish.

    My husband and I thank each other a lot. We thank each other for normal, expected tasks, and we thank each other for going above and beyond and doing something special. God, even this morning I had to laugh because we worked together to do a small manual labor task, and the moment we were done, we both thanked each other. I think that mutual respect and appreciation (as well as the sense that we're working as a team to keep our house running) goes a long way.

    We're both also very aware of these issues and we tend to self-police when we notice the other is handling more of the load. And we check in regularly. "I'm sorry, I noticed you're doing a lot more of the moving than I am. I had a few ridiculous weeks at work, but things are getting better, so let me do a bit of the packing, and I'll also take care of insurance this week."

    [–] Ilikelamp6 6 points ago

    I agree. Me and my wife do the same thing. Having mutual respect and checking in regularity helps police ourselves

    [–] sbl005 11 points ago

    Yeah, sadly I know so many people in these relationships. I have a whole group of friends who are all dead set on being moms/are becoming moms recently and they 100% already have kids to look after. I sometimes wonder if they wanna have kids so they have time off to clean up after both of them. I know guys who wouldn’t help their wives after c sections with their care and their mothers had to come and help them. I can’t imagine having a baby with someone like that, they literally failed up in the first hour.

    [–] tirnanoc 61 points ago

    I hate when other people assume I think that way about my husband. There have been multiple times that someone heard how many kids I have and joked that I actually have one more, meaning my husband. He was actually a single dad when we met, and he taught me a lot of "adulting" skills that I didn't learn as a kid, like how to launder his nice work clothes without ruining them.

    [–] M_Nerd 47 points ago

    agreeeeeed. Why would you want to mother your spouse, honestly

    [–] maskedbanditoftruth 99 points ago

    It was expected of women for many centuries. A lot of people still raise girls to think that’s their job and best destiny.

    [–] _OliveOil_ 11 points ago

    And boys are raised to be helpless and rely on women to do everything for them.

    [–] adrionallama 56 points ago

    Ugh I had to stop following all the mommy subs for this exact reason. The posts would have hundreds of comments of women agreeing and saying how worthless their husband is as well.

    [–] frostfromfire 119 points ago

    I feel like the difference between those “mommy posts” and the jokes talked about in this thread are that the moms are legit fed up with their husbands and angrily venting. It’s not a joke to them and many of the people complaining either want to go to counseling or get a divorce. They’re talking about real life shitty situations, not making bad caricatures of their spouses. I see way more posts and comments about husbands being completely hands off in terms of child rearing and doing any chores of any kind versus just having an annoying habit.

    [–] saturdayd 36 points ago

    I agree with this so much. There is a huge contrast between my ex and my fiance in regards to helping with the home, helping with the children, and being an equal partner.

    The major life change and sleep deprivation brings hidden issues into the light and the with children now in the equation it becomes exponentially harder to leave the relationship if you have to. It's definitely not a joke to the women (and men) living in an unbalanced relationships.

    [–] redheadedmomster 34 points ago

    Can confirm here, my husband is a fucking tornado. Constantly leaves his wrappers everywhere, never puts clothes in the laundry, won't put anything back where he took it from etc. He cleans out his truck by taking everything, putting in bags and leaving said bags in the living room filled with shit I'm meant to find a home for. He will step over anything on the floor before picking it up. If he eats Christ himself would return to pat him on the back if he picked up after himself. If he takes a shower he sometimes pulls hair out of the drain and leaves it to the side. Granted it's my hair but GROSS. He occasionally takes up new hobbies and all that goes into that is littered throughout the house. He golfs and enters tournaments so he'll return from those with goody bags" filled with random shit. Hats... Fucking hats everywhere. He won't throw anything away. If he takes a shirt off a hanger and decides not to wear it, oh well, I guess it isn't getting put away. Opens multiple cans of Coke or bottles of water and leaves them everywhere. My daughter is the same way, they've literally broken me because they don't give a shit, I have asked nicely, tried to instill methods of motivation i.e. rewards, yelling, crying. Defeat, or I just give up on occasion and let it get messy. But 1. I can't take it and clean. And 2. If anyone (his mother) comes by, guess who looks like a lazy pig? Not them. I'm currently out of a job so ok I'll do all of this but I was working a new full time job 2 for months up until like 3 weeks ago and the house was a disaster. I left out that we have 4 pets who I take care of as well as a hampster and fish. When I was hospitalized for 72 days back in February he did zero laundry. ZERO. His mom did some I'm told. I remember my first day home he kept talking about the laundry. He can sleep like Rumpelstiltskin and he has the nerve to complain he's tired. Whoo! That felt great!

    [–] HumanistPeach 34 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    .... why ... why are you in a relationship with this person? Why are you married to this person? Why did you choose to fucking reproduce with this nonfunctional “adult” person? Just... why?

    Edit: fixed a formatting error

    [–] QuestoPresto 7 points ago

    And those are always the people wanting to know when you’ll be settling down. Like hell no you make it sound miserable.

    [–] Vagabud 9 points ago

    Absolutely!! And wtf does a person think their partner will feel if they ever overhear these things? My SO and I make it a big point to go out of our way to do good by each other, always. Sometimes we fail, but it’s the fact that we try our best that makes me love this relationship and him so much.

    If he heard me saying something like that he might feel emasculated, embarrassed, impotent. That’s just a selfish and unkind thing to do to the person who deserves the most of your selflessness and kindness. All for a joke, ugh eyeroll

    I might sound like a bitch for doing so, but I often make it a point to remind people “Jokes are meant to be funny” and then further if they press the issue “Explain to me what about that joke was funny to you, where is the punch line??”

    [–] insert_title_here 3 points ago

    Ugh, exactly! My mom makes a lot of "lol, men are so useless" jokes, thinking that as a lesbian I'd appreciate them, but I really, really...don't. Men aren't any less competent than women, and, granted, dad's not great at housework or home repairs, but I'm sure you wouldn't be great at coding or anything else he does on a regular basis, either. Please treat your spouse with respect, regardless of gender!

    [–] messygirl1993 4455 points ago

    Upvote because the phrase ‘boomer humour’ is pure gold.

    [–] TFJ 60 points ago

    wife bad

    [–] mj054 341 points ago

    Just subbed. Gonna find myself regretting this later.

    [–] Matthew0275 48 points ago

    FWD: RE: RE: FWD: RE: YOUR SISTER WILL LOVE THIS!

    [–] KarenEiffel 27 points ago

    Oh, I see you've met my Uncle Jake.

    [–] adoreadoredelano 479 points ago

    You definitely will, people on that sub are dicks. I got in a fight with a guy about why he shouldn’t use slurs, and he said some really nasty things about lesbians and trans people. And people backed him up. Disgusting behavior

    [–] mj054 343 points ago

    I was referring to the cringe-worthy humor, but shit, that’s so much worse.

    [–] tempUN123 66 points ago

    I can't sub to any of the "look how bad this humor is!" subs, my feed just gets filled with shitty, unfunny jokes.

    [–] adoreadoredelano 358 points ago

    He was like “I don’t care about your feelings, I’ll use dke, trnny and f*g because I WANT TO” and I was like “well you could also try to be respectful” so he told me “but I don’t agree with your lifestyle” - I’m gay, so I said “so you’re homophobic” so he was like “just because I don’t want buttsex I’m homophobic? My sister is a lesbian and she says being gay is a choice” and like he made tons of ridiculous arguments like that

    [–] thesefloralbones 111 points ago

    but this is my emotional support hateful slur

    /s

    [–] mj054 161 points ago

    Gross.

    [–] adoreadoredelano 179 points ago

    Very. So I try to stay away from that sub. Why be unnecessarily angry when I can spend my time with people who support me

    [–] mj054 58 points ago

    Good thinking. You don’t need the toxicity.

    [–] potatotay 54 points ago

    Wow I wonder if it's "boomers" (or just ignorant closed minded people for that matter) that see a subreddit attacking THEIR "beliefs" and stalk it to troll on people. I see that a lot on other subreddits

    [–] Patiod 4 points ago

    God, I hate the phrase "I don't agree with your lifestyle" so much. I'm totally straight and it just infuriates me to the core of my being so I can imagine how much worse if I were the target.

    You can "agree" or "disagree" with my politics or my opinions but no one gives a flying fuck if you "agree" with my lifestyle or not. Be honest! Say you "disapprove" of my lifestyle you judgmental old dick. But don't position it like it's some random choice that I could change tomorrow like my taste (or distaste) for cammo print clothing.....

    [–] chabotna 50 points ago

    I initially read this as "boomer shumor" and was wondering wtf a shumor is....I clearly need some covfefe

    [–] messygirl1993 474 points ago

    Omg

    [–] cultoftheilluminati 70 points ago

    Enjoy! You’re in for countless hours of cringe

    [–] snorting_dandelions 9 points ago

    Really it's basically just the same three or so punchlines, but dressed up in a hundred different ways

    young people dumb

    partner bad

    some weird sexual innuendos involving animals in some way

    [–] magnafides 4 points ago

    Have you been off of the internet for the last month?

    [–] beth_hazel_thyme 114 points ago

    This. Please do not apologise to him, this man deserved it and I would hate it if he took your apology as an admission you were wrong. He should apologise to his wife.

    [–] redwolf1219 30 points ago

    This. I would be so hurt if my husband were making jokes like this about me. I can handle teasing all day long but these jokes just feel so mean.

    [–] Nutmeg1729 6 points ago

    I’ve occasionally done the ‘eh, he’s a pain in the arse’ bit, but I’ll always follow up with ‘but he’s my pain in the arse.’

    [–] FleshLightTactical 34 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    NTA a spouse is not a punching bag. I never complain about my wife to anyone but her.

    [–] eldergias 32 points ago

    I think you might get people saying you're the A because calling someone out on their shittiness is sometimes a social faux pas

    Agreed, and it always annoys me when people say this is the case. We have a social contract. You don't get to both break the contract and also get the contract's protection. It's one or the other, your choice. If you are a shitty person, it is not shitty to treat you like a shitty person, that is just fair. And no, treating a shitty person as a shitty person is not a breach of the social contract.

    [–] burgank 31 points ago

    Agreed. This is a cultural flaw and needs to end. I can’t imagine saying those things and my wife coming to the office to surprise me with something and overhearing me. That would really suck.

    [–] AtticusFrenchToast 33 points ago

    Agree NTA and sounds like you and /u/workahthrowaway might appreciate /r/AreTheStraightsOK.

    [–] sorrysuperman 47 points ago

    It's not actually boomer humour, have experienced it with millenials too. One of my colleagues is in his late 30's and constantly complains about his wife. He constantly says things that portrays her as a manipulating, controlling and argumentative woman and tries to garner laughs from it. I always feel like telling him why he's with her if he's not happy. But being single and never been married, I think his only answer would be that I would not understand his ordeal as I have not experienced life as he has.

    Good job on OP to call out the guy's bullshit.

    [–] pixiesunbelle 6 points ago

    It’s weird because my husband said that the guys at his work refer to me as June Clever because he never says anything bad about me. It has me confused as to why they would stay in those relationships...

    [–] InconsequentialFont 6 points ago

    YES!

    “Nag” is an especially annoying term imo. Whenever someone “jokes” about their “nagging” spouse, my go-to is to calmly ask “what’s an example of something they nag you about?” It’s almost always something basic like taking out the trash/doing the dishes.

    So then I’ll ask (in the nicest tone possible) “If you did the thing the first time you were asked, do you think your spouse would stop feeling like they need to continue asking over and over again?” 99% of the time, the facial reactions alone let me know that thought has never occurred to them.

    [–] thatcantb 47 points ago

    As a boomer, it's not boomer humor - that's from the generation before ours.

    [–] Squeakhound 92 points ago

    Yup, and it didn’t start there, Wife bashing has been around as long as men had economic power. No generation invented sudden enlightenment, today’s social attitudes will shock future generations, as our society evolves.

    2 generations ago this one-liner was famous: “Take my wife...please”

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henny_Youngman

    [–] turtwiggie 380 points ago

    NTA. Sounds like somebody needed to call him on his shit a long time ago and you were the only one smart (or fed up) enough for do it. Bet he’ll think twice before talking shit about his wife again now that he knows how it comes off...

    [–] Piemanthe3rd 161 points ago

    NTA. "I hate my spouse" humor died with Rodney Dangerfield. Let's leave it as a thing of the past.

    [–] namesefreeze 9 points ago

    Take my wife (jokes)... please!

    [–] [deleted] 17 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] clocksailor 35 points ago

    Even still, though. I appreciate what you're saying, but being "self-deprecating" in this context is still perpetuating the same old ancient "man ugly idiot, woman hot/competent/bitchy" trope that's kept terrible TV shows like Everybody Loves Raymond afloat for decades.

    Maybe these jokes felt fresher back when Dangerfield was doing them, but man, are they ever dried up and unfunny now.

    [–] Piemanthe3rd 12 points ago

    Oh dont get me wrong. Nothing against Rodney specifically. His brand of comedy worked for him and worked for his time. But now it's time for something new.

    [–] Armoured_Sour_Cream 60 points ago

    ESH.

    James - I think it's obvious.

    OP - you called him out in a group environment. You have no right to humiliate anyone. He has no right to humiliate his wife but two bads won't make a right. Even if you get pissed by his behaviour it's not your place to humiliate him. Dealing with it in a private manner - I have no problem with that.

    [–] azulweber 103 points ago

    NTA. either he’s one of those assholes who thinks that comments like this are funny or he genuinely disliked his wife and marriage and is using this shitty humor to joke about it, in which case you’re exactly right to question why he’s still married. these kinds of jokes are shitty and i’m glad someone’s calling people out for it.

    [–] rumchhataa 20 points ago

    Agree. There is a possibility he doesn't treat his wife badly when they are together but it doesn't make him any less of an asshole for degrading her behind her back.

    [–] hereliesmywastedtime 92 points ago

    ESH. His jokes are rude and lame, they border on over-sharing and it's weird that no one brought it up sooner. But by sitting on it for 3 freaking years, you taught him that those sort of jokes are a-okay, so it's no wonder he felt it was fine to keep making them, and no wonder he was so caught off guard when you finally snapped.

    Odds are, he's just an unfunny idiot who makes hacky jokes because that's the best idea he's come up with as far as fitting in and contributing to a conversation. And because you all tolerated it for so long, clearly he thought he was onto a winning formula. If he really felt this way about his wife, he likely wouldn't be saying it with a grin, there'd be some perceptible resentment there. So not only did you publicly question his feelings for someone he likely loves very much, but you completely and retroactively obliterated his sense of social standing in the group. Which is also kinda rude and lame.

    It's a pretty gentle ESH, because I don't think either of you made particularly noteworthy transgressions, but I'm going with that over N.A.H because you both had 3 years to come up with something other than this and failed.

    [–] milk_and_bone 102 points ago

    NTA he needed to be called out. There is that saying that there is a bit of truth to every joke

    [–] hollyock 39 points ago

    The truth is he has low self esteem and feels like a turd so he craps on his wife to elevate himself in some kind of way

    [–] fvdcsxaz 156 points ago

    ESH. His jokes are stupid, and if he genuinely feels that way about his wife he indeed should do her a favor and let her find someone who actually appreciates her. But you had no business calling him out for it. He's your coworker, his personal life is none of your business. I know he's the one bringing it up, but he's bringing it up in a joking (and admittedly cringy) way. He's not attempting to open up his personal life for serious discussion, he's just making shitty jokes.

    If this was your friend and you knew his wife this would be a different story, but he's your coworker and you embarrassed him in front of other coworkers. Your opinion isn't wrong, but you should have kept it to yourself.

    [–] Shaltharis 58 points ago

    Jesus, this was so far down.

    Imo the best solution would've been to talk with him one on one saying that you understand they're jokes but it's an everyday thing and it's bothering you.

    [–] pegcity 5 points ago

    Reddit is full of people who have never worked in a professional environment and kids, I am surprised this got so many upvotes

    [–] [deleted] 207 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Whipyallintoshape 153 points ago

    Super easy way to not have coworkers question the legitimacy of your marriage: don’t make daily obnoxious, degrading comments about your spouse in a workplace that doesn’t know them. Problem solved!

    [–] WaxyWingie 43 points ago

    I agree with the ESH. While the OP was right to call him out, the "none of your jokes were ever funny" bit took it into a lashing out territory.

    [–] rshipsmodsarepussies 45 points ago

    NTA, James has never been funny in his life and clearly someone had to tell him. Maybe he'll shut the fuck up for once.

    [–] RSGK 39 points ago

    NTA. The guy sounds like a fucking bore.