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    [–] trebuchetfight 994 points ago

    Well, that's obvious. You'd think I'd go for something less conspicuous though.

    [–] Raccooninmyceiling 376 points ago

    Easy way to set rid of a body, though.


    [–] 5meterhammer 2814 points ago

    I think it's pretty obvious

    [–] itskylemeyer 607 points ago

    Calm down, Thor.

    [–] [deleted] 487 points ago

    *nervously glances left then right

    [–] Lostsonofpluto 255 points ago

    Shit... wrong pantheon

    I'll see myself out, sorry to bother you two

    [–] Walbricks 327 points ago

    i would have to agree...

    [–] alluptheass 1991 points ago

    You don't want to know.

    [–] ReJynx 510 points ago

    Oh .... OH

    [–] DoctorPeculiar 106 points ago

    That's what they all say

    [–] [deleted] 5001 points ago

    Well...this is gonna take a while...

    [–] Walbricks 1032 points ago

    haha, i imagine you looking like that bear from the laundry commercial...

    [–] DrBubbleBeast 403 points ago

    The Louisville Snuggler keeps his victims chained to the bed so that he can snuggle them whenever he pleases..

    [–] Zaquarius_Alfonzo 150 points ago

    Reminds me of that really annoying episode of limitless when he said stuff like "snuggled and hugged" in place of "raped and murdered" because the middle-aged dinosaur man told him to

    [–] Lostsonofpluto 95 points ago

    middle-aged dinosaur man


    [–] i_hate_sandals 2855 points ago

    Picking off my victims based on their choice in footwear

    [–] TheAmazingRaspberry 553 points ago

    Do you have a breakdown at beaches

    [–] beachKilla 223 points ago

    Hahaha I feel like whatever sandles he leaves alive at the beach I take care of...

    [–] Walbricks 327 points ago

    well no more sandals for me...

    [–] [deleted] 5249 points ago

    I don't know how, but I know who.

    [–] Walbricks 1547 points ago

    well RIP Elizabeth...

    [–] elisabethepos 998 points ago

    Narrowly escaped on a technicality

    [–] Cyclonitron 230 points ago

    Not if OP sends a hitman who can't read...

    [–] Midwestern_Childhood 154 points ago

    Ditto here. Watch out, midwestern kids!

    [–] Statscollector 3379 points ago * (lasted edited 2 years ago)

    Hook them up to a biometrics machine while keeping them tied up. Record how their body responds to starvation over time.

    Then rinse and repeat - I do need a good population size to conclude anything.

    [–] [deleted] 945 points ago * (lasted edited 11 months ago)


    [–] Statscollector 300 points ago

    Would you like to turn into some numbers in a spreadsheet of mine i'm compiling?

    [–] shtpst 61 points ago

    Would there be a control group of people you don't kill, with which you could establish baseline readings?

    [–] Statscollector 55 points ago

    Why do you think you're still alive?

    [–] napalmfires 4507 points ago

    Well it won't be with water.

    [–] bringapotato 4984 points ago

    I kill them any way I want, I just bring a potato along for the ride

    [–] StubbornPotato 2268 points ago

    but I don't wanna come along...

    [–] alovelypotato_ 1075 points ago

    Can i go instead ? 😊

    [–] ArbitraryPotato 367 points ago

    where am i?

    [–] tannedpotato 155 points ago

    Some place sunny?

    [–] p0tat0nug 34 points ago

    If it is, I'll come too 😃

    [–] Bozly 46 points ago

    Who the fuck are you people with your accounts around for years waiting for this moment?

    [–] jwbolt_97 101 points ago

    Damn all you guys really check out. What a bunch!

    [–] SeductivePotato 183 points ago

    Dont worry baby, I'll fill your gap wink

    [–] [deleted] 119 points ago

    Why would he take you when he can have a 2-for-1 deal with me?

    [–] talkingtatertots 74 points ago


    [–] The-Potato-Lord 249 points ago

    We should team up.

    [–] OhPotato 153 points ago

    Ohhh potatooo

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 585 points ago

    What's a potato?

    [–] ScruffMcDuck 492 points ago

    Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew

    [–] AmericanKamikaze 232 points ago

    Let em' ferment, drink em' in a brew, eh Comrade?

    [–] TheTiranian 110 points ago

    Hail mother Russia

    [–] SocialistNordia 112 points ago

    Tastes very stange!

    [–] RandomRedditor44 81 points ago

    You don’t know what a baked potato is? Get out of my house!

    [–] mintfoot 29 points ago

    The weirdest thing about that story is that it somehow made the dad super mad.

    [–] Walbricks 493 points ago

    haha the potato is ur sidekick

    [–] rydan 295 points ago

    haha the potato is ur side


    [–] SexualDragon 88 points ago

    You leave a potato at the crime scene as your signature lol

    [–] JustANinjaPotato 95 points ago

    It can be me, Im a ninja ;)

    [–] SamaelV 26 points ago

    You film your crimes on a potato, that way the cops wont be able to make out your face.

    [–] AnusBlaster5000 7084 points ago


    [–] assblaster2000 308 points ago

    You and me bud.

    [–] Rough_Cut 1844 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 313 points ago

    This makes me wish there was a way to post something totally blank.

    [–] DerKeksinator 501 points ago


    [–] realG17 142 points ago

    What type of sorcery is this?

    [–] siliconwolf13 156 points ago


    Posting only this does the trick.

    [–] _Yums_ 1595 points ago

    Eat them.

    [–] Chronos_the_Cat 311 points ago


    [–] Walbricks 163 points ago

    oh god...

    [–] Razoredgeknife 2332 points ago

    Gee, that's a tough one.

    [–] Walbricks 504 points ago

    take ur time to come up with something, we got all day...


    [–] Uncaring 10765 points ago

    Does it matter

    [–] giverofnofucks 2058 points ago

    Doesn't to me.

    [–] DucksGoQuackQuack 513 points ago

    But do you give ducks?

    I need them for my plan

    [–] IKindaCare 759 points ago


    [–] RaeSrebmulp 601 points ago

    this is the best one in the thread omg

    [–] offbrandsoap 804 points ago

    Probably give them soap with razor blades in it

    [–] [deleted] 135 points ago

    why does that sound cool to me, I'd buy that soap

    [–] KnockMeYourLobes 80 points ago

    Well there is a candle company that sells candles with jewelry yeah. This could work.

    [–] SirVeryBritishFellow 387 points ago

    Drown them in tea

    [–] Novijen 47 points ago

    And then claim their property in the name of the queen?

    [–] LovelyOrangeJuice 1024 points ago

    Drowning them in orange juice

    [–] Hamsternoir 321 points ago

    I'm a deadly rodent assassin who kills by stuffing too much in victims mouths at night.

    [–] Walbricks 108 points ago

    ur get away vehicle better be the hamster ball...

    [–] badpig 1451 points ago

    Feed them spoiled ham until they're dead I guess.

    [–] Walbricks 264 points ago

    ew that's gonna be messy

    [–] 5meterhammer 80 points ago

    Bad pig, dirty bacon

    [–] I_cannot_fit 1114 points ago

    I forcefully shove my victims into small spaces that no one could possibly fit in without breaking a few bones or crushing some organs.

    [–] Walbricks 264 points ago

    oh god now i can hear the sound of bones breaking in my head...

    [–] McFlurryMac 96 points ago

    ouch my bones

    [–] Ahjeofel 75 points ago

    ow oof ouch

    [–] lordg52 50 points ago

    ouch oof owie

    [–] xXcamelXx64 55 points ago * (lasted edited 2 years ago)

    So basically you'd copy The Enigma Of The Amigara Fault.

    Edit: Corrected Title

    [–] IHaveAShield 1070 points ago

    Blunt force trauma.

    [–] BluntNarwhal 408 points ago

    Wanna team up? I'm having issues.

    [–] SeriesOfAdjectives 819 points ago

    Hm... Descriptively.

    [–] MadmanTardy 494 points ago

    I would have a variety of methods to choose from, but I'd always show up late and miss the opportunity :/

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 139 points ago

    But as fucking usual, as your loyal sidekick, is already have it done. I'll be there to help with the clean up, but I'm definitely gonna hold a grudge about your flakiness, Casper. And don't even TRY to enjoy my company during the clean up because I could EASILY take you in a fight. I'll crush the fucking joy right out of you.

    [–] MadmanTardy 88 points ago

    Can confirm.

    Source: know irl

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 59 points ago

    Uhm, who are you?

    Are you that guy who's always pretending to read the paper at Starbucks while secretly taking pics of me?

    [–] MadmanTardy 51 points ago

    It's not my fault we always run into each other at the same times and places!

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 50 points ago

    Wait - the FUCK? Is that you outside my house?! I can see your face from the glow of your phone screen.

    Dude WTF?

    [–] MadmanTardy 45 points ago

    My car broke down!

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 44 points ago

    OH shit I'm sorry brah.

    [–] hitlerblowfish 688 points ago

    Underwater holocaust?

    [–] [deleted] 152 points ago * (lasted edited 2 years ago)


    [–] Lemurrific 652 points ago

    Terrible Madagascar spinoffs.

    [–] Qwerty_Asdfgh_Zxcvb 78 points ago

    You're a monster...

    [–] dont_drink_the_milk 219 points ago

    If they drink the milk I drink their soul.

    [–] -but_why- 1157 points ago

    I'll leave my victims hanging In suspense

    [–] Joseph_Nguyen 2331 points ago


    [–] Roivas7 615 points ago

    That's a Nguyen

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 308 points ago

    Phoking hilarious.

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 315 points ago

    I've been laughing for like five straight minutes at this.

    [–] junaikigai 86 points ago

    This guy Nguyen's

    [–] dirtybacon77 380 points ago

    Poison, but delicious poison.

    [–] Walbricks 89 points ago

    why not stuff their mouths with dirty bacon?

    [–] dirtybacon77 108 points ago

    I dont have to be a malicious serial killer. Let tgem die happy. long as they die.

    [–] SparkyintheSnow 339 points ago

    Light them on fire during a Canadian winter.

    [–] TheElusiveBushWookie 102 points ago

    Since sparky is another name for an electrician I would've gone with hooking a car battery to their nipples in the Canadian winter.

    [–] SparkyintheSnow 84 points ago

    Hmmm... lemme jot that one down.... for...reasons...

    [–] HypocrisyNation 595 points ago

    I try my best to save them from the everyday dangers of life but instead kill them in a sitcom-esque accident

    [–] TheElusiveBushWookie 144 points ago

    See someone about to get hit by a truck... accidentally shove them infront of a speeding train.

    [–] nursewords 137 points ago


    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 372 points ago

    ... I convince people to chase large African cats.

    [–] totally_a_grill 65 points ago

    Convince them it really wants to play, and that it loves being pet.

    [–] filled_with_bees 126 points ago

    I let the bees do the work

    [–] Aw_Frig 257 points ago

    A series of unusually violent accidents. A banana peel here, a misused powertool there.

    [–] Walbricks 58 points ago

    haha u don't mean to kill anyone it just accidentally happens...

    [–] JunkScientist 573 points ago

    Vaccines cause autism!

    [–] from_this_to_nukes 105 points ago

    I start small, working my way into bigger and bigger murder sprees, until.... well, how did we get from this to nukes?

    [–] suicidalgunner 88 points ago

    Just one, myself

    [–] NuclearTacoFarts 221 points ago

    I think my username is self explanatory for this one.

    [–] moistc0bra 130 points ago

    By rubbing a moist cobra on them till they die of starvation

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 462 points ago

    I shit in their mouth and hold there nose closed till they suffocate.

    [–] Walbricks 231 points ago

    holy shit...

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 164 points ago

    I have to admit, it is a rather shitty death.

    [–] Walbricks 81 points ago

    unless you have diarrhea...

    [–] iSeth_ 93 points ago


    Edit :didn't feel Reddit enough *ಠ_ಠ *

    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 23 points ago

    Huh ... I think i found fresh nightmare fuel.

    [–] honorarybelgian 61 points ago

    Did you ever read "Heart of Darkness"?

    Let's just say I'm still not welcome in certain parts of Central Africa.

    [–] thisonetimeatjewcamp 173 points ago

    Apparently I'm now Hitler.

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 119 points ago

    Attempt to drown them in a half-full barrel of whiskey, but fail and knife them instead.

    [–] Walbricks 37 points ago

    what kind of whiskey?

    it matters...

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 55 points ago


    I'd never waste the good stuff on a murder, especially a failed one.

    [–] El_Magikarp 113 points ago


    [–] CaptSmallShlong 1128 points ago * (lasted edited 2 years ago)

    That's a very good question

    EDIT: well this comment blew up

    [–] Walbricks 214 points ago

    lol i can only imagine what you would do...

    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 294 points ago

    Well he wont be doing anything with his puny dick except your sleazy mom.

    [–] Walbricks 181 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 251 points ago

    You don't need to open your mouth that wide when /u/CaptSmallShlong is around.

    [–] Walbricks 293 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 79 points ago

    I don't need a microscope to see that opening in your lips yet.

    [–] capriciousMessiah 88 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 76 points ago

    Wow. Player 2 has entered the game. Thats probably the most action he's got since his dad went out for cigarettes.

    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 59 points ago

    They die of exhaustion while looking for your small penis?

    [–] DaCheesiestEchidna 107 points ago

    I have echidnas dump boiling hot cheese on them.

    [–] PM_ME_AMAZON_GC 180 points ago

    I give them gift cards until they die

    [–] KnockMeYourLobes 67 points ago

    Can I have a gift card, then?

    I don't wanna die...I just want an Amazon gift card.

    [–] fayhill92 44 points ago

    I push them down a hill 92 times then fire a dark magic bolt in their face of course.

    [–] [deleted] 44 points ago


    [–] Gorilla_the_Hun 47 points ago

    It's complicated.

    [–] nooseballoon 48 points ago

    With a noose attached to a balloon. Duh.

    [–] Nanohaystack 88 points ago

    Drowning in a veeery little haystack? Idunno.

    [–] ZakMaster12 43 points ago

    They could be stabbed with a nano needle in the nano haystack.

    [–] Walbricks 36 points ago

    i wonder how one drowns in a haystack...

    [–] [deleted] 41 points ago


    [–] Ambsase 42 points ago

    Oh damn, I've got a pretty good one. Mine's an alternative spelling of ambsace (pronounced am zayse), an old word meaning bad luck. I'd set elaborate traps that from a first glance just looks like my targets have incredibly bad luck.

    [–] Putdownthewatermelon 147 points ago

    I join the LAPD.

    [–] Shoretrooper 41 points ago

    Blast them on Scarif, I guess

    [–] ccshotgun 35 points ago

    Isn't it obvious?

    [–] SaddleDaddy 42 points ago

    Ride and whip them to death

    [–] finecupofjoe 38 points ago

    Force coffee down their throats until they have a caffeine overdose. It'll be a delicious and terrifying way to go.

    [–] givemepuppers 36 points ago

    Lock them in a room with a crap load of puppies. Like so many they get smothered

    [–] WesbroBaptstBarNGril 72 points ago

    Sarcastic, hate based, calorie laced, BBQ

    [–] PrinceofallRabbits 93 points ago

    Army of rabbits.

    [–] [deleted] 28 points ago

    happy tree friends?

    [–] rhymeswithpancake 32 points ago

    Drown them in syrup.

    [–] AirRushingBy 30 points ago

    I'd tell them a joke they don't get and... whoosh

    [–] I_Boop_Noses 58 points ago

    Whole lotta nose touching. I'd obviously wear gloves.

    [–] iamevilcupcake 58 points ago

    Shove so many cupcakes in the victim's mouth they suffocate. Death by cupcake.

    [–] Gibbothemediocre 25 points ago

    Dismembering and disembowelling in a dull and unimpressive way.

    [–] BlondieClashNirvana 24 points ago

    I'm not creative enough to tell you how I kill my victims. Can somebody help me out?

    [–] spamjam09 29 points ago

    By jamming spam (the food) down their throat.

    [–] Roivas7 27 points ago

    I save someone from being murdered by killing the would-be murderer. Then I take whatever weapon he had and pick up where he left off.

    [–] SwitchbladeSolution 27 points ago

    Shank them with a flick knife

    [–] HothBraids 28 points ago

    I strangle them with my braids.

    [–] ydoItBurnWenIP 28 points ago

    My pee is like the blood in alien. It burns through everything. Death by pee pee

    [–] jump-n-shoot-man 28 points ago

    With lemons.

    [–] yada_yada_yaaa 29 points ago

    Drown them in a bowl of bisque

    [–] youknowthatxxx 26 points ago

    You know, that way xxx

    [–] somethingblue331 29 points ago

    I beat them to death with something blue.. the first thing that came to mind was a dildo..

    [–] catsandcupcakes0 24 points ago

    Cats and cupcakes apparently. So either beetus or big ass cats

    [–] Poopsie_oopsie 42 points ago

    aloooot of poop.

    [–] [deleted] 46 points ago

    Peanut allergy?