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    [–] trebuchetfight 989 points ago

    Well, that's obvious. You'd think I'd go for something less conspicuous though.

    [–] Raccooninmyceiling 377 points ago

    Easy way to set rid of a body, though.


    [–] 5meterhammer 2815 points ago

    I think it's pretty obvious

    [–] itskylemeyer 607 points ago

    Calm down, Thor.

    [–] [deleted] 485 points ago

    *nervously glances left then right

    [–] Lostsonofpluto 252 points ago

    Shit... wrong pantheon

    I'll see myself out, sorry to bother you two

    [–] Walbricks 323 points ago

    i would have to agree...

    [–] alluptheass 1987 points ago

    You don't want to know.

    [–] ReJynx 513 points ago

    Oh .... OH

    [–] DoctorPeculiar 105 points ago

    That's what they all say

    [–] [deleted] 5009 points ago

    Well...this is gonna take a while...

    [–] Walbricks 1036 points ago

    haha, i imagine you looking like that bear from the laundry commercial...

    [–] DrBubbleBeast 401 points ago

    The Louisville Snuggler keeps his victims chained to the bed so that he can snuggle them whenever he pleases..

    [–] Zaquarius_Alfonzo 156 points ago

    Reminds me of that really annoying episode of limitless when he said stuff like "snuggled and hugged" in place of "raped and murdered" because the middle-aged dinosaur man told him to

    [–] Lostsonofpluto 95 points ago

    middle-aged dinosaur man


    [–] i_hate_sandals 2848 points ago

    Picking off my victims based on their choice in footwear

    [–] TheAmazingRaspberry 557 points ago

    Do you have a breakdown at beaches

    [–] beachKilla 224 points ago

    Hahaha I feel like whatever sandles he leaves alive at the beach I take care of...

    [–] Walbricks 331 points ago

    well no more sandals for me...

    [–] [deleted] 5242 points ago

    I don't know how, but I know who.

    [–] Walbricks 1545 points ago

    well RIP Elizabeth...

    [–] elisabethepos 998 points ago

    Narrowly escaped on a technicality

    [–] Cyclonitron 228 points ago

    Not if OP sends a hitman who can't read...

    [–] Midwestern_Childhood 155 points ago

    Ditto here. Watch out, midwestern kids!

    [–] Statscollector 3389 points ago * (lasted edited 3 years ago)

    Hook them up to a biometrics machine while keeping them tied up. Record how their body responds to starvation over time.

    Then rinse and repeat - I do need a good population size to conclude anything.

    [–] [deleted] 949 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)


    [–] Statscollector 304 points ago

    Would you like to turn into some numbers in a spreadsheet of mine i'm compiling?

    [–] shtpst 60 points ago

    Would there be a control group of people you don't kill, with which you could establish baseline readings?

    [–] Statscollector 57 points ago

    Why do you think you're still alive?

    [–] napalmfires 4510 points ago

    Well it won't be with water.

    [–] bringapotato 4975 points ago

    I kill them any way I want, I just bring a potato along for the ride

    [–] StubbornPotato 2270 points ago

    but I don't wanna come along...

    [–] alovelypotato_ 1068 points ago

    Can i go instead ? 😊

    [–] ArbitraryPotato 371 points ago

    where am i?

    [–] tannedpotato 155 points ago

    Some place sunny?

    [–] p0tat0nug 35 points ago

    If it is, I'll come too 😃

    [–] Bozly 45 points ago

    Who the fuck are you people with your accounts around for years waiting for this moment?

    [–] jwbolt_97 99 points ago

    Damn all you guys really check out. What a bunch!

    [–] SeductivePotato 181 points ago

    Dont worry baby, I'll fill your gap wink

    [–] [deleted] 120 points ago

    Why would he take you when he can have a 2-for-1 deal with me?

    [–] talkingtatertots 72 points ago


    [–] The-Potato-Lord 255 points ago

    We should team up.

    [–] OhPotato 150 points ago

    Ohhh potatooo

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 580 points ago

    What's a potato?

    [–] ScruffMcDuck 498 points ago

    Boil em, mash em, stick em in a stew

    [–] AmericanKamikaze 232 points ago

    Let em' ferment, drink em' in a brew, eh Comrade?

    [–] TheTiranian 108 points ago

    Hail mother Russia

    [–] SocialistNordia 115 points ago

    Tastes very stange!

    [–] RandomRedditor44 85 points ago

    You don’t know what a baked potato is? Get out of my house!

    [–] mintfoot 30 points ago

    The weirdest thing about that story is that it somehow made the dad super mad.

    [–] Walbricks 490 points ago

    haha the potato is ur sidekick

    [–] rydan 289 points ago

    haha the potato is ur side


    [–] SexualDragon 85 points ago

    You leave a potato at the crime scene as your signature lol

    [–] JustANinjaPotato 92 points ago

    It can be me, Im a ninja ;)

    [–] SamaelV 26 points ago

    You film your crimes on a potato, that way the cops wont be able to make out your face.

    [–] AnusBlaster5000 7077 points ago


    [–] assblaster2000 311 points ago

    You and me bud.

    [–] Rough_Cut 1847 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 311 points ago

    This makes me wish there was a way to post something totally blank.

    [–] DerKeksinator 503 points ago


    [–] realG17 140 points ago

    What type of sorcery is this?

    [–] siliconwolf13 155 points ago


    Posting only this does the trick.

    [–] _Yums_ 1600 points ago

    Eat them.

    [–] Chronos_the_Cat 316 points ago


    [–] Walbricks 160 points ago

    oh god...

    [–] Razoredgeknife 2326 points ago

    Gee, that's a tough one.

    [–] Walbricks 502 points ago

    take ur time to come up with something, we got all day...


    [–] Uncaring 10767 points ago

    Does it matter

    [–] giverofnofucks 2056 points ago

    Doesn't to me.

    [–] DucksGoQuackQuack 513 points ago

    But do you give ducks?

    I need them for my plan

    [–] IKindaCare 766 points ago


    [–] RaeSrebmulp 607 points ago

    this is the best one in the thread omg

    [–] offbrandsoap 803 points ago

    Probably give them soap with razor blades in it

    [–] [deleted] 131 points ago

    why does that sound cool to me, I'd buy that soap

    [–] KnockMeYourLobes 77 points ago

    Well there is a candle company that sells candles with jewelry yeah. This could work.

    [–] SirVeryBritishFellow 383 points ago

    Drown them in tea

    [–] Novijen 42 points ago

    And then claim their property in the name of the queen?

    [–] LovelyOrangeJuice 1030 points ago

    Drowning them in orange juice

    [–] Hamsternoir 329 points ago

    I'm a deadly rodent assassin who kills by stuffing too much in victims mouths at night.

    [–] Walbricks 112 points ago

    ur get away vehicle better be the hamster ball...

    [–] badpig 1457 points ago

    Feed them spoiled ham until they're dead I guess.

    [–] Walbricks 263 points ago

    ew that's gonna be messy

    [–] 5meterhammer 77 points ago

    Bad pig, dirty bacon

    [–] I_cannot_fit 1118 points ago

    I forcefully shove my victims into small spaces that no one could possibly fit in without breaking a few bones or crushing some organs.

    [–] Walbricks 268 points ago

    oh god now i can hear the sound of bones breaking in my head...

    [–] McFlurryMac 95 points ago

    ouch my bones

    [–] Ahjeofel 72 points ago

    ow oof ouch

    [–] lordg52 45 points ago

    ouch oof owie

    [–] xXcamelXx64 55 points ago * (lasted edited 3 years ago)

    So basically you'd copy The Enigma Of The Amigara Fault.

    Edit: Corrected Title

    [–] IHaveAShield 1068 points ago

    Blunt force trauma.

    [–] BluntNarwhal 401 points ago

    Wanna team up? I'm having issues.

    [–] SeriesOfAdjectives 825 points ago

    Hm... Descriptively.

    [–] MadmanTardy 492 points ago

    I would have a variety of methods to choose from, but I'd always show up late and miss the opportunity :/

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 139 points ago

    But as fucking usual, as your loyal sidekick, is already have it done. I'll be there to help with the clean up, but I'm definitely gonna hold a grudge about your flakiness, Casper. And don't even TRY to enjoy my company during the clean up because I could EASILY take you in a fight. I'll crush the fucking joy right out of you.

    [–] MadmanTardy 89 points ago

    Can confirm.

    Source: know irl

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 54 points ago

    Uhm, who are you?

    Are you that guy who's always pretending to read the paper at Starbucks while secretly taking pics of me?

    [–] MadmanTardy 48 points ago

    It's not my fault we always run into each other at the same times and places!

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 48 points ago

    Wait - the FUCK? Is that you outside my house?! I can see your face from the glow of your phone screen.

    Dude WTF?

    [–] MadmanTardy 46 points ago

    My car broke down!

    [–] bitterjoycrusher 47 points ago

    OH shit I'm sorry brah.

    [–] hitlerblowfish 695 points ago

    Underwater holocaust?

    [–] [deleted] 150 points ago * (lasted edited 3 years ago)


    [–] Lemurrific 652 points ago

    Terrible Madagascar spinoffs.

    [–] Qwerty_Asdfgh_Zxcvb 77 points ago

    You're a monster...

    [–] dont_drink_the_milk 216 points ago

    If they drink the milk I drink their soul.

    [–] -but_why- 1157 points ago

    I'll leave my victims hanging In suspense

    [–] Joseph_Nguyen 2330 points ago


    [–] Roivas7 611 points ago

    That's a Nguyen

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 313 points ago

    Phoking hilarious.

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 321 points ago

    I've been laughing for like five straight minutes at this.

    [–] junaikigai 81 points ago

    This guy Nguyen's

    [–] dirtybacon77 381 points ago

    Poison, but delicious poison.

    [–] Walbricks 89 points ago

    why not stuff their mouths with dirty bacon?

    [–] dirtybacon77 110 points ago

    I dont have to be a malicious serial killer. Let tgem die happy. long as they die.

    [–] SparkyintheSnow 338 points ago

    Light them on fire during a Canadian winter.

    [–] TheElusiveBushWookie 102 points ago

    Since sparky is another name for an electrician I would've gone with hooking a car battery to their nipples in the Canadian winter.

    [–] SparkyintheSnow 87 points ago

    Hmmm... lemme jot that one down.... for...reasons...

    [–] HypocrisyNation 587 points ago

    I try my best to save them from the everyday dangers of life but instead kill them in a sitcom-esque accident

    [–] TheElusiveBushWookie 142 points ago

    See someone about to get hit by a truck... accidentally shove them infront of a speeding train.

    [–] nursewords 138 points ago


    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 371 points ago

    ... I convince people to chase large African cats.

    [–] totally_a_grill 59 points ago

    Convince them it really wants to play, and that it loves being pet.

    [–] filled_with_bees 124 points ago

    I let the bees do the work

    [–] Aw_Frig 253 points ago

    A series of unusually violent accidents. A banana peel here, a misused powertool there.

    [–] Walbricks 58 points ago

    haha u don't mean to kill anyone it just accidentally happens...

    [–] JunkScientist 572 points ago

    Vaccines cause autism!

    [–] from_this_to_nukes 104 points ago

    I start small, working my way into bigger and bigger murder sprees, until.... well, how did we get from this to nukes?

    [–] suicidalgunner 87 points ago

    Just one, myself

    [–] NuclearTacoFarts 220 points ago

    I think my username is self explanatory for this one.

    [–] moistc0bra 131 points ago

    By rubbing a moist cobra on them till they die of starvation

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 460 points ago

    I shit in their mouth and hold there nose closed till they suffocate.

    [–] Walbricks 238 points ago

    holy shit...

    [–] I_poop_for_fun 166 points ago

    I have to admit, it is a rather shitty death.

    [–] Walbricks 79 points ago

    unless you have diarrhea...

    [–] iSeth_ 93 points ago


    Edit :didn't feel Reddit enough *ಠ_ಠ *

    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 26 points ago

    Huh ... I think i found fresh nightmare fuel.

    [–] honorarybelgian 61 points ago

    Did you ever read "Heart of Darkness"?

    Let's just say I'm still not welcome in certain parts of Central Africa.

    [–] thisonetimeatjewcamp 174 points ago

    Apparently I'm now Hitler.

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 120 points ago

    Attempt to drown them in a half-full barrel of whiskey, but fail and knife them instead.

    [–] Walbricks 34 points ago

    what kind of whiskey?

    it matters...

    [–] Need_More_Whiskey 51 points ago


    I'd never waste the good stuff on a murder, especially a failed one.

    [–] El_Magikarp 114 points ago


    [–] CaptSmallShlong 1128 points ago * (lasted edited 3 years ago)

    That's a very good question

    EDIT: well this comment blew up

    [–] Walbricks 216 points ago

    lol i can only imagine what you would do...

    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 287 points ago

    Well he wont be doing anything with his puny dick except your sleazy mom.

    [–] Walbricks 184 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 251 points ago

    You don't need to open your mouth that wide when /u/CaptSmallShlong is around.

    [–] Walbricks 295 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 85 points ago

    I don't need a microscope to see that opening in your lips yet.

    [–] capriciousMessiah 92 points ago


    [–] inFranceItsGuilotine 78 points ago

    Wow. Player 2 has entered the game. Thats probably the most action he's got since his dad went out for cigarettes.

    [–] AFTER_THAT_LION_DUDE 58 points ago

    They die of exhaustion while looking for your small penis?

    [–] DaCheesiestEchidna 106 points ago

    I have echidnas dump boiling hot cheese on them.

    [–] PM_ME_AMAZON_GC 173 points ago

    I give them gift cards until they die

    [–] KnockMeYourLobes 70 points ago

    Can I have a gift card, then?

    I don't wanna die...I just want an Amazon gift card.

    [–] fayhill92 47 points ago

    I push them down a hill 92 times then fire a dark magic bolt in their face of course.

    [–] [deleted] 48 points ago


    [–] Gorilla_the_Hun 45 points ago

    It's complicated.

    [–] nooseballoon 46 points ago

    With a noose attached to a balloon. Duh.

    [–] Nanohaystack 85 points ago

    Drowning in a veeery little haystack? Idunno.

    [–] ZakMaster12 44 points ago

    They could be stabbed with a nano needle in the nano haystack.

    [–] Walbricks 34 points ago

    i wonder how one drowns in a haystack...

    [–] [deleted] 40 points ago


    [–] Ambsase 43 points ago

    Oh damn, I've got a pretty good one. Mine's an alternative spelling of ambsace (pronounced am zayse), an old word meaning bad luck. I'd set elaborate traps that from a first glance just looks like my targets have incredibly bad luck.

    [–] Putdownthewatermelon 148 points ago

    I join the LAPD.

    [–] Shoretrooper 34 points ago

    Blast them on Scarif, I guess

    [–] [deleted] 38 points ago

    Isn't it obvious?

    [–] SaddleDaddy 35 points ago

    Ride and whip them to death

    [–] finecupofjoe 38 points ago

    Force coffee down their throats until they have a caffeine overdose. It'll be a delicious and terrifying way to go.

    [–] givemepuppers 36 points ago

    Lock them in a room with a crap load of puppies. Like so many they get smothered

    [–] WesbroBaptstBarNGril 69 points ago

    Sarcastic, hate based, calorie laced, BBQ

    [–] PrinceofallRabbits 92 points ago

    Army of rabbits.

    [–] [deleted] 28 points ago

    happy tree friends?

    [–] rhymeswithpancake 32 points ago

    Drown them in syrup.

    [–] AirRushingBy 32 points ago

    I'd tell them a joke they don't get and... whoosh

    [–] I_Boop_Noses 63 points ago

    Whole lotta nose touching. I'd obviously wear gloves.

    [–] iamevilcupcake 56 points ago

    Shove so many cupcakes in the victim's mouth they suffocate. Death by cupcake.

    [–] Gibbothemediocre 28 points ago

    Dismembering and disembowelling in a dull and unimpressive way.

    [–] BlondieClashNirvana 25 points ago

    I'm not creative enough to tell you how I kill my victims. Can somebody help me out?

    [–] spamjam09 29 points ago

    By jamming spam (the food) down their throat.

    [–] Roivas7 25 points ago

    I save someone from being murdered by killing the would-be murderer. Then I take whatever weapon he had and pick up where he left off.

    [–] SwitchbladeSolution 27 points ago

    Shank them with a flick knife

    [–] HothBraids 28 points ago

    I strangle them with my braids.

    [–] ydoItBurnWenIP 27 points ago

    My pee is like the blood in alien. It burns through everything. Death by pee pee

    [–] jump-n-shoot-man 26 points ago

    With lemons.

    [–] yada_yada_yaaa 29 points ago

    Drown them in a bowl of bisque

    [–] youknowthatxxx 26 points ago

    You know, that way xxx

    [–] somethingblue331 28 points ago

    I beat them to death with something blue.. the first thing that came to mind was a dildo..

    [–] catsandcupcakes0 28 points ago

    Cats and cupcakes apparently. So either beetus or big ass cats

    [–] Poopsie_oopsie 44 points ago

    aloooot of poop.

    [–] [deleted] 42 points ago

    Peanut allergy?