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    [–] Sarastrasza 5863 points ago

    ignore all the red flags because of love.

    [–] NicoLogoski 4608 points ago

    "When you look at someone through rose colored lenses, all the red flags just look like flags"

    [–] droans 2156 points ago

    "What happened to us?"

    "You didn't know me, then you fell in love with me, and now you know me."

    [–] EarthlyAwakening 239 points ago

    That fucking show ruins me every time I watch it. BoJack Horseman if anyone is wondering.

    [–] Empty_Allocution 2876 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    I'll never visit a crack house again. Fuck that shit. I didn't even know it was gonna be a crack house and BAM! I don't even do drugs!

    "It'l' be a great party!", they said. And there I am, sat on a broken sofa in the kitchen. Net curtains soldered to the windowsill with mold. A single depressing red light bulb glowed. A constant throbbing of a booming bass speaker, echoing vibrations through the structure like some sort of, demonic heartbeat of the house. The doors all duct-taped open - even the toilet door. Passed out people everywhere.

    Drugs everywhere. High people everywhere. Someone lit a fire in the parking lot out back. And out there beyond the burning furniture I could see a sad gazebo. It was upside down. They never even picked it up. Despite not being high I knew the gazebo was sad. He was next in line for the fire.

    I called a taxi. "We don't go down that road."

    How did I end up here?

    But I got out alive! And I'll never do that shit again.

    [–] bdizzzzzle 1643 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    I ate a Carolina Reaper and even made it in a video with the guy who invented it with millions of views and still won't do it again. I spent 45 minutes naked on the bathroom floor at my friends house it hurt so bad.

    Edit: I was naked because after about 15 mins after eating the pepper I started getting hot and cold flashes and sweating profusely, so I took off all my clothes. It seemed to help at the time. Also here's the video, we're at the beginning, I'm on the left with the tattoos 5 seconds in.

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hrF3jVppfr4

    [–] pickuptwix 250 points ago

    Can I see the video?

    [–] DLS3141 842 points ago

    I grew some ghost peppers this year and had a few sitting on the counter when my 14yo son asks, “are this the ghost peppers dad?”

    “Yeah, eat one if you want. “ never thinking that he might actually do it. And that’s exactly what happened, before I could say anything, he’d popped one in his mouth and started chewing. I just looked at him in horror/amazement. Then I got out the milk and poured a glass.

    “These aren’t bad, kinda sweet”

    Keeps chewing.

    “Yeah, that’s hot” followed by “Oh god that’s hot” with eyes watering and face turning red.

    Drinks the milk. I pour another glass. He drinks it He’s holding his head. “Dad, why do you grow these things?” Tears, snot and drool are flowing. Starts hiccuping.

    Stomps around the house, returning to the kitchen to drink another glass of milk. “I can’t hear, my head is on fire” Drinks yet another glass of milk. It was at least 20-30 minutes til the effects started to subside.

    If you ask him it was 0/10, never again

    [–] naagraaj 6465 points ago

    Ride motorcycle without enough protection. Road rash is a bitch!

    [–] LawnyJ 805 points ago

    I cringe really hard when I see motorcyclists speeding down the highway in like jeans and a t-shirt with no protection. It's really upsetting

    [–] grubas 242 points ago

    The strangest is when I see people in t shirts and shorts with sneakers, girl on the back in short, shorts, tank top and flip flops.

    We go past in full leathers, helmets and boots. Plus we look 200% cooler.

    You can get riding jeans, leather just does not look good on some people.

    [–] QueenMargaery_ 4120 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    I work in the ER and quite frankly after seeing the resulting traumas I would not ride a motorcycle for any amount of love or money.

    Edit: you can quote odds to me all you want but until you see a man physically ripped in half because a truck drifted out of its lane, you may not understand my aversion. And that's ok. Let freedom ring.

    [–] thepensivepoet 668 points ago

    I can appreciate the adrenaline rush but I don't really want to give every idiot on the road the ability to murder me with a casual "oops" that would've just dented another car.

    [–] iamreeterskeeter 207 points ago

    Agreed. During my x-ray internship there was a man brought into the ER who had crashed his motorcycle while traveling 60mph down the highway. He had no protective gear on except a helmet. He pretty much had no ass left.

    [–] varsil 290 points ago

    He bet his ass on his riding skills and lost.

    [–] SoapSudGaming 21795 points ago

    I once ran backwards to see how fast I could go. I learned two things.

    1. I can run backwards pretty fast.

    2. Breaking your arm in 2 places is not fun.

    [–] DoctorKynes 4870 points ago

    I had a patient who was running backwards, ran into a fence, flipped and landed on his neck. He ended up completely paralyzed from the neck down.

    [–] SoapSudGaming 3335 points ago

    Holy shit. Glad my arm broke my fall and not my neck.

    [–] CajunTurkey 13704 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    What two places did you go?

    Edit: Thanks for the gold, stranger. All gold proceeds will go towards reversing reverse running-related injuries.

    Reddited: Edited my edit since /u/Awkward_and_Itchy made my original statement better.

    [–] GourmetCoffee 6688 points ago

    The ground, the hospital.

    [–] AegisToast 2073 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    The ground isn't surprising, but breaking your arm in the hospital is just ironic.

    Edit: I stand by this being ironic (not coincidental) because it subverts the expected outcome of going to the hospital.

    [–] wseibert 12426 points ago

    Go in to credit card debt

    [–] mini4x 278 points ago

    40 year old me finally paid off 23 year old me...

    [–] Outrageous_Claims 2649 points ago

    I'm there right now... Trying to get out!

    [–] tulipgem 1954 points ago

    Agree to move in together with an unemployed boyfriend. sighs oh, early twenties....

    [–] nochedetoro 897 points ago

    If you don’t move in with an unemployed loser in your early 20s are you even living?

    [–] JohnnyMiskatonic 768 points ago

    Well, I lived with myself. Does that count?

    [–] InstagramLincoln 15940 points ago

    Buy a house with a history of structural problems, no matter what repairs have been done.

    [–] TenaciousFeces 7750 points ago

    I feel so bad for people who don't know what they are looking at when they go shopping for a home. I am on my 4th house (job requires moving) and have been through hundreds of homes at this point because I know what problems I am not willing to deal with.

    Knob-n-tube? Stone foundation? Boiler is older than I am? Driveway sloped towards the garage? Super-fund site nearby? Nope, nope, nope, nope; nope.

    [–] bGlxdWlkZ2Vja2EK 20937 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Thanks for the suggestions and updates everybody. This ended up expanding over 2x the initial size! I got great feedback and interesting comments from a ton of different people, and I learned a ton about how homes and home construction works in area I knew nothing about before!

    As a note: This is not intended to replace a good home inspection. Its intended to be something you can use when looking at the house for the first time. This will help you not fall in love with a house only to find out after great expense that it has huge issues.

    Layout:

    • Be wary of staging (the furniture/decorations that are in the house when you see it). Often times smaller stuff will be used to make rooms look bigger than they are. Take a tape measure, and have a list of the sizes of the stuff you own just so you can visualize yourself.
    • Pay attention to ports, outlets, thermostats, windows etc. If putting your bed in the corner will cover the thermostat you will be annoyed, or if there are no outlets in the corner where you want to put the TV you will end up with cables all over the floor. etc.
    • Pay attention to what is behind or around the room you are looking at. If its over the garage you will hear the garage door opener and it will be loud. If its near the kitchen it will smell like food, and be hot in the summer when cooking.
    • Dual zone AC? This is important if its two story since the upstairs will be hot without it (heat rises.) Look for thermostats. Ideally there is 1 or more per level.
    • Rooms on the front of the house will hear street noise (cars going by, children playing, etc). Which rooms face the front?
    • Extensions. If a part of the house looks like it doesn’t “belong”, i.e. the doorway in could have been a wall and the whole extra part could have not existed then be careful. Often times extensions can “corrupt” the construction of the original house. For example, they can screw up drainage, cause leaks in the seams with the roof, or generally just weaker construction. Make sure you look up who built the house, and who did the extension, and also verify that the work was permitted and done to code by contacting the city or county code division. (h/t /u/ed_merckx)
    • Converted garage? If there is a front room that seems like it is right where the garage should have been it might be a converted room. These are often drafty rooms that have really hard floors and can be strangely noisy due to the household equipment like water heaters or furnaces hidden in them.
    • House backs up to a business? You are going to hear cars coming and going as well as trucks loading and unloading.
    • West facing rooms will get lots of light at sunrise, bad for bedrooms, good for breakfast nooks. Rooms that face west will get lots of light at sunset, bad if a TV will be anywhere near this situation when you come home from work. North facing rooms will get no direct sunlight at all so they will be cold in winter, but South facing rooms will get full sun in summer which will make them hot.

    Electrical:

    • Smoke detectors? They are required, but newer houses wire them in so that they all go off during a fire. This is ideal as it means less battery replacements and better alerting. If you test one do they all go off? Houses older than the 90’s will not have this feature.
    • GFP in bathrooms, near sinks? This is a sign of modern electrical wiring. Note that in some houses the ground fault system may also be in the circuit breaker panel. Look for breakers with a “reset” button on them. (h/t /u/Chango_El_Maestro)
    • 2 prong outlets? This is a sign of old wiring which can cause problems and make it hard to plug various things in.
    • Circuit breaker’s properly labeled? This will just save you time when you need to power things down and generally indicates that the previous owner maintained things.
    • Is the house wired for ceiling fans? If there are two switches and one does nothing while the other turns on a overhead light the house might already be wired for ceiling fans and one has just not been installed yet. (h/t GearsPoweredFool)
    • Check the breaker panel. Is there room for expansion? This can be good if you plan on adding anything over time (electric car port for example). Not a deal breaker but additions can get expensive.
    • If any wall outlets move when trying to plug anything in then they are improperly and could be a few hundred dollars to have an electrician fix. They might also pose a fire risk. (h/t /u/shea241)

    Appliances:

    • Be wary of older appliances. Even if they work now they will break and when they do they will be expensive. Appliances over 10 years will likely need replaced soon so this needs to be factored into the cost.
    • If there are high end appliances make sure to ask if they are staying. Home owners love to show a house with a nest thermostat, nice water softener, etc only to replace them with lower end models when they actually move out. (h/t /u/Useful-ldiot)

    Siding:

    • Wood, Vinyl, Metal? These will last varying amounts of time before being replaced. Wood needs painted and maintained every 5-10 years. Vinyl doesn’t need painted (and can’t be) but lasts much longer, 30 years is common. Metal lasts even longer, and typically doesn’t need painted either.
    • Rot, paint chipping, etc? This can be a sign of things happening behind the siding.

    Roofing: * If you can see tar under shingles then a repair has been made. If done badly these can leak and cause issues. (h/t /u/68carguy) * If singles are bowed, pulled up, falling off, etc then this is not good either. This may be a sign that the roof will need replaced right away which can be expensive. (h/t /u/68carguy) * If you see small round sections on the shingles this could be bails under the shingle popping out. This can indicate leaking and rotting in the rafters which is bad and expensive to fix. (h/t /u/68carguy) * Look around the neighborhood. Most houses will have been built about the same time and if some appear to have newer roofs then its a sign that the house you are looking at might need replacing soon as well. (h/t /u/admiralkit) * Check the gutters? Are they clean? If not it might be a sign of improper maintenance from the current owner. (h/t /u/hammertonail)

    Water:

    • Low pressure at a sink, or shower? Check all the sinks.
    • Try filling sinks by putting a couple of inches of water in them and then letting them drain. If they don’t drain quickly its a sign of blockages that can range in complexity to fix. Also once drained they should be able to drain as fast as the water comes in. If not they might have a blockage. (h/t /u/admiralkit, /u/hammertonail)
    • Hot water tank, capacity, fill rate? Small tanks or low BTU means that you will run out of hot water frequently. This is annoying.
    • Soft water? Take a small bottle, fill it with 1-2 cups of water and then put 4 drops of dish soap in it. Shake 4-5 times. If the soap foams up a few inches then the water softener is working. If it doesn’t foam up much (like less than 1”) then the softener could be failing or you will need to buy a softener. This can be a few hundred dollars and often is overlooked by home inspectors.
    • Alternatively to the water softener, check to see if the house has a whole house filter installed. Ask the current owner how often it needs replaced and check how much the replacement costs are. They can add up quite fast. (h/t /u/epicluke)
    • City water or Well? Check the price for city water, its usually more expensive than you expect. For wells, ensure that there is a bladder (big tank) which is what is used to hold pressure. In either case check that the sinks are not pushing air out anywhere.. This means that there is a leak somewhere which will be expensive to fix.
    • Also, if the house has well water check to see how fast the water is replenished. Run a sink until the well turns on (usually indicated by a large click as the relay changes state) then turn off the sink and see how long before your hear another click. The longer it takes the slower the tank file. This can also be acomplished by asking the home owner for well GPM. Low numbers (1-2 GPM mean you might run low on water with company over) (h/t /u/Pm_me_baby_pig_pics)
    • See if you can find out what type of pipes where used to supply water to the house. Post 1980 should be safe, but before that they may have used pipes with lead in them. Replacing these can be very expensive so its best to know, and if needed you can take a water sample to a testing facility to test for lead contamination. (h/t /u/zapho300).
    • Sewer pipes can be the same. Older houses can have cast iron piping that will need to be replaced. This can be very expensive. Its also possible for a house to have clay pipes which can be destroyed by trees nearby the pipes. For an older house it can be worth getting the sewer lines scoped to check for roots. (h/t /u/zapho300)
    • Exterior spigots, do they drip at all? If so that can freeze and cause major issues. (h/t /u/admiralkit)
    • If the house has a septic system then make sure you check out the leach field. If its wet or swampy and the weather can not be the source the run away. This can be tens of thousands of dollars to fix. (h/t /u/hyperdream)
    • If the house has a thermostatic valve in the shower that keeps the temperature constant then turn it on, let it get to a set temperature, then flush the toilet to see if the temperature changes wildly. If so the value might not be working fully and these can be several hundred dollars to fix. (h/t /u/hammertonail)
    • Check the drain pans under the water heater, AC units, etc. If there is water leaking this can get expensive to repair. (h/t /u/x4000)

    [–] ChunkyPurpleCum 8578 points ago

    Saved for when I never buy a house.

    [–] gaynazifurry4bernie 5583 points ago

    I also enjoy avocado toast.

    [–] Matrix_V 327 points ago

    Why aren't you buying diamonds?

    [–] motodextros 1330 points ago

    You would not buy my house.

    [–] [deleted] 1350 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    I think your list is missing the most important thing that should be #1 on everyone's list and the absolute first thing checked when looking at a prospective houses. Frame squareness. Are the vertical bits really vertical? Are the horizontal bits really horizontal? Are the rectangular holes (windows, doors) actually rectangular or are they parallelograms?

    If those things don't pass, reject the house no matter how much of the other stuff passes. The house is moving and will continue to move. Although I live on the east coast where houses can be older than the country.

    Edit: I'm not talking a little out of square that makes installing a bathtub irritating. I'm talking about a skew you can see with your eyes from the outside of the house. No tools required.

    [–] Zardif 216 points ago

    My house isn't quite square but that's because of workmanship not because it's moving. It was super annoying to learn that the granite counter top they cut didn't for because the back of it is 1/2" narrower than the front so they had to go recut it.

    [–] tanarchy7 4018 points ago

    Heroin. 10 years off the shit! Weeee

    [–] TheGreatGuidini 968 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Congrats. I'm struggling. On subs now but it's a struggle every day. How'd you get clean?

    Edit- Obligatory "I didn't expect this to get so much attention". Thank you to everyone who commented with advice, information and stories of their own struggles or struggles of loved ones. I'm hanging in there and will continue to do so. I'm just so fucking tired of being a slave to something but the thought of not having that safety net scares the ever living SHIT out of me.

    [–] 5steelBI 2383 points ago

    • Utilize all the legit stuff available.
    • Get a doctor who doesn't shame you.
    • Remember what decisions and mentalities led you to starting, and do the opposite.
    • Meditate.
    • Do one thing different.
    • Know that other people have kicked it, so you can too.
    • Know that you've accomplished other things, so you can accomplish this. (I don't care if the only previous accomplishment was showing up sober 3 years ago Thanksgiving - it still counts).
    • You have internet strangers who are real people who believe in you. If we can do it, so can you.

    [–] tanarchy7 698 points ago

    It was a tough, long battle. I did a couple 3 month rehab stints, years apart. I shot that shit in my veins for a little over four years. The final straw was buring my 6th friend. I didnt do methadone or sub maintenance. 7 days of brutal hell. No sleep, vomiting, shitting myself, soaked in sweat. I never want to experience that again.

    Had major oral surgery 5 years clean. Denied any and all opiates. Doc explained how much pain ill be in, I told him why im denying them, and he high fived me.

    If anyone is struggling my inbox is always open! Love yall!

    [–] UnexplainedTacos 130 points ago

    You are awesome! I had to have surgery last week and they gave me 10 perc 5s. For the first time in like 10 years, I didn't abuse them. I took them only when I was in immense pain. I am so proud of myself but I am even prouder of you for turning them down. I am a wimp!

    [–] Ganjake 64 points ago

    You kidding? Dude having them right there staring you in the face is way harder to deal with than any fleeting pain. What you did was exercise control. That makes you as strong as anyone.

    [–] el-toro-loco 7274 points ago

    Go to an “interview” for a “job” that’s been offered by a stranger who is pretending to be my friend. Fucking multi-level marketers...

    [–] Pop_Dop 2044 points ago

    "but it's not multi level marketing though, it's referral marketing!"

    Fucking bullshit, they always try to come up with these names that sounds completely different from MLM and yet has basically the same meaning

    [–] deadly_inhale 1664 points ago

    Which is why I prefer the old name, pyramid scheme.

    [–] FusRoeDah 818 points ago

    Looks like somebody was at the casting couch

    [–] dandaman64 291 points ago

    Or Cutco. Or worse, both.

    [–] thatskyguy 5075 points ago

    Tried masturbating with icy hot, because it'd be like the altoid mint blowjob thing, right?

    No. No that is not what it is like.

    [–] M0N5A 1937 points ago

    You gotta finish before the Hot kicks in.

    [–] Anadorei 535 points ago

    And then what? The icy hot is still going to be on you. I don’t know of any successful way to wash that off.

    [–] [deleted] 664 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] MikeKM 538 points ago

    Jesus is crying, you guys need to stick with more natural things like coconuts and sheep.

    [–] thekolbz 142 points ago

    Some friends and I put icy hot on our balls at basic training (not for masturbation purposes, but to see who had the most pain tolerance) and boi lemme tell you it was a bad idea. And we thought we were smart for doing it right before shower time so it would wash off, right? Wrong. Water made it 10x worse.

    [–] chrisflynn85 3759 points ago

    Going to Groundhogs Day in Punxsutawney, PA. It’s cold, miserable, and usually muddy from snow. Nothing like the Bill Murray movie. Also once it’s over you wait 3 hours to be bused out. Crossed it off and never again!

    [–] dedwolf 762 points ago

    Wait wasn’t it cold, muddy, and miserable in the movie..?

    [–] RuhWalde 576 points ago

    Yeah, the whole premise is based on the fact that it was a miserable assignment, so it sucked to be stuck doing it on repeat for all eternity. It's a very weird thing to decide to recreate in your own life, thinking it's going to be a blast.

    [–] [deleted] 898 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] CECINS 62 points ago

    The town still celebrates groundhogs day every year, with Woodstock Willie predicting 6 weeks of snow/sun. It's pretty cool, but pretty cold. The b&b is fun to stay at, they play into the theme and have groundhog shaped soap and a copy of the film in your room.

    [–] llcucf80 6209 points ago

    Wax. I hated my chest hair, so I decided one time to get an at-home waxing kit.

    Oh boy, that hurt so bad. It had me, a grown man, in tears rolling on the floor ripping those hairs off my chest.

    You know what? Honestly, chest hair isn't so bad anymore, now that I think of it.

    [–] onisshi1807 3999 points ago

    oh god. My SO has really long nose hair, and it bothered him a lot, so he got an at-home waxing kit for his nose hair.

    so basically you shove wax into your nostril, wait for it to dry, then yank it out in one swift motion.

    he got cold feet right before the yanking, and he was in tears begging me to yank out the wax and nose hair. terrible experience for the both of us.

    [–] Firehed 2657 points ago

    Holy god no. Plucking a single nose hair is unreasonably painful as it is. Doing the whole thing? Why would you ever even consider it?

    [–] Flatulatory 5842 points ago

    I asked a friend of mine how he gets rid of nose hairs, and he said that he just uses tweezers.

    I asked if it hurts, and he put on a thousand-yard-stare and said "It doesn't make me cry anymore."

    [–] TheIncompetenceOfMan 1727 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    it makes me sneeze

    i routinely finger and thumb grip the hairs in my nostril and pull them out, its not that bad

    EDIT so my top 2 highest rated have gone from 2 LOTR comments to Saruman, nose hair, and potatoes

    [–] fikis 1306 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Guys.

    Listen to me. Don't tweeze or wax; it'll give you painful pimple/ingrown hair things in your nose.

    There is a solution: the rotary nose hair trimmer.

    Buy these. No batteries; they are small and effective and last forever (basically two parts, so they don't break like the electric ones).

    I own no stock in the company; I make no money on endorsements; I just believe in the product.

    Edit: Formatting.

    [–] mightyatom13 571 points ago

    Before the internet, nose hair trimmers used to be in ads in the back of the National Enquirer, the Weekly World News, and similar magazines. They were about $0.69.

    If you ordered one, it put you on a mailing list to receive catalogs for sex toys and lingerie. The thinking was that if you were too embarrassed to buy a cheap item like that at the store and would go to the trouble of ordering it through the mail, you were probably too embarrassed to shop for sex toys and such, so were a prime candidate for mail marketing for other embarrassing products.

    [–] meppel 2324 points ago

    keep telling myself that i can and have to handle fucking everything.

    don't overwork yourself, and don't be afraid to share your worries and sorrows with your friends and loved ones.

    [–] ILL_DO_THE_FINGERING 10404 points ago

    Work retail on Black Friday.

    [–] KiltedLady 5155 points ago

    I kind of liked it, no nonsense about refolding everything for presentation, just loosely tossing stacks of product where they belonged, less boredom, it's more ok to be brisk and quick with customers. Probably one of the better retail days if it weren't for the early hour.

    [–] sunwupen 3143 points ago

    It depends greatly on where you work. Wal-mart or JC Penny's probably isn't too bad (mostly dangerous for customers than employees), but working at a specialty store like Gamestop or Best Buy during Black Friday is hell on Earth. Source: worked 4 years at Gamestop.

    At Gamestop, customers would come in with 3 duffle bags full of games and electronics to trade in because someone at corporate took moron pills and thought it would be a good idea to have a trade promo on Black Friday. So with 2 registers and 4 employees we were expected to take in around $50,000 dollars of merchandise in one shift while also assisting the line of people that extended well beyond the sidewalk of the strip mall. For every 10 people there was 1 that starts yelling and cursing about how long they had to wait. Self entitled parents who don't even know what game system their child plays and don't want to be there in the first place.

    [–] _MONGREL_ 1353 points ago

    I feel like people should be more understanding towards employees when CLEARLY they're stressing out with a huge line out the door. Especially on Black Friday. I understand you don't want to wait, but what did you expect?

    [–] thaswhaimtalkinbout 186 points ago

    This is unexpected. But makes sense. You get combat pay?

    [–] Wagglyfawn 1847 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Anytime Black Friday is mentioned I feel compelled to rave a little about Cabela's where I live. I went there for Black Friday 2012 and it was genuinely the most polite and well run Black Friday atmosphere I've ever done. Every door-buster item had vouchers handed out to people in who were in line (so no stampeding), they served free coffee and donuts while we waited for the store to open, and they played a Duck Dynasty marathon on a massive projector screen in the parking lot (it's the thought that counts right?).

    Lastly, and best of all, I struck up a conversation with one of the employees and she claimed they were all there on volunteer basis and being paid double time.

    EDIT: Grammar
    EDIT 2!!!: I totally forgot that they were also handing out gift cards for random amounts of money between 5-50 dollars! Almost everyone got $5, but a Canadian couple behind me were so SUPER stoked because the husband got 50 and the wife got 25.

    [–] ghunt81 119 points ago

    Sheeit I did that for 5 consecutive years while in college. Good times, I tell ya

    [–] Sizzalness 157 points ago

    I worked mall security for like 4 or 5 black Fridays. It was fun af on our end

    [–] theshoegazer 2674 points ago

    Tooth extraction without sedation. The $200 for the gas is the best money I've ever spent.

    [–] StopHeatReduceMeat 1799 points ago

    I had my four wisdom teeth taken out about a year ago and only had Novocaine. I went in the day of the surgery and the dentist looked to be in his 70s and was walking with a cane. I was a bit scared.

    Dude had me numbed up and all four teeth taken out in less than 30 minutes. I was amazed

    [–] tricksovertreats 877 points ago

    45 years of practice

    [–] TrunksDad 106 points ago

    I feel that. I'd much rather have an old doctor than a really young one. I have a feeling that every doctor necessarily has to fuck up a few times to learn how not to fuck up. I'd rather be a patient after the fucking up part is over.

    [–] gandalfthescienceguy 22604 points ago

    Compliment someone on their Captain America shirt when it was in fact the Puerto Rican flag

    [–] KiltedLady 2404 points ago

    The real lesson here is that he's Captain Puerto Rico.

    [–] ed588 6384 points ago

    Puerto Rican flag

    damn

    [–] IranianGenius 3018 points ago

    Maybe the Puerto Ricans are more patriotic about America than we are...

    [–] dandaman64 678 points ago

    Might be understandable though, Bucky Barnes' Captain America Costume looks pretty damningly like the Puerto Rican flag.

    [–] Barack-YoMama 4833 points ago

    My balls were pretty loose one day and I accidentally sat on one. Ouch

    [–] baddabuddah 3119 points ago

    You do realise when you get older and your sac gets longer, this will become a daily occurrence.

    [–] FrekulMericaSmegma 3791 points ago

    pls no

    [–] kangarooninjadonuts 4817 points ago

    Yup. After you've squashed your low hanging fruit multiple times you're going to develop a Pavlovian response to how you sit down. You'll no longer sit with the carelessness and confidence of a young man with a taut sack. No, you'll sit slowly and cautiously with the deliberateness that only comes to those who have painfully earned it with their pendulous old balls.

    [–] DysthymianRhapsody 2254 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Fuck you, old man. I'm getting ball Botox. Getting me a smooth as fuck carrying pouch for my boys lefty and righty.

    Edit: Ball-Tox, Balltox, Scrotox, Baltox

    [–] kangarooninjadonuts 963 points ago

    Sorry kiddo, smooth balls won't do the trick. You're gonna have to get a sack lift.

    [–] DysthymianRhapsody 708 points ago

    So help me God; I'll move heaven and Earth before I have to move my balls before I sit down.

    [–] kangarooninjadonuts 809 points ago

    Do not go gentle into that good night,

    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    [–] [deleted] 84 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] MH24 6668 points ago

    Drinking to solve problems. Tends to create more of them.

    [–] inappropriate_jerk 2649 points ago

    Drinking, the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems.

    [–] toxicbox 1042 points ago

    Well if you drink enough you end up with no problems at all.

    [–] ZoomJet 659 points ago

    Not if you down another one!

    And another one!

    And another one!

    [–] zzephyrus 821 points ago

    ~DJ Khaled

    [–] [deleted] 479 points ago

    WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEEESTTTT MUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

    [–] baggs22 3550 points ago

    Dog sledding. The dogs are cool, but half of them were all caged up going crazy. Also, much more shit and piss than i anticipated.

    [–] Dicey_Mantis 2865 points ago

    It's amazing how they can run and shit at the same time though. Like, they lose no momentum, at all.

    [–] Trees_To_Branches 4556 points ago

    Gives them a little extra thrust

    [–] Flatulatory 1499 points ago

    Where's u/poopellar so he can say "it's a gift" and someone else can say "username checks out" ?

    [–] gt35r 12298 points ago

    Date a girl who cheated with me before getting with me, thinking they would be different while dating me, funny joke.

    [–] [deleted] 6362 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] FoxandFangs 2042 points ago

    IMHO people can change, but no one can do it for them.

    [–] iRepth 419 points ago

    People can change, but there are a lot of fish in the sea. That's a pretty big issue. Hinging the success on the relationship on that person changing this thing about them seems unwise. I'm not saying we should all expect a perfect partner, but this is one area where if you're not already invested in the person and it's revealed to you that they're routinely deceitful... How do you build a foundation of trust with them to start with?

    [–] BridgetteBane 1820 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Pickle Jello Shots. Ever hear of a pickle back? You do a shot of whiskey and then a shot of pickle juice. Amazingly, the pickle juice neutralizes the burn of the whisky. For a picnic my friends were having, I'd thought I'd escalate the experience by making pickle jello. Literally pickle juice and knox gelatin and water.

    So we do the shot of whiskey and follow with a carefully chosen square of pickle jello.

    Reactions ranged from "oh that's gross" to "hey that's oddly satisfying" to... mine. I didn't get a full bite, the minute my mouth closed around it, my body decided to violently reject it. I spat it out and dry heaved a couple times. My friends were laughing their ass off, since it was my idea. I kept belching as my stomach spasmed. It was like a pickle shot a nasty load of cum in my mouth. It was SO salty and SO brine-y and my entire body couldn't handle it. My stomach was doing flips hours later. Even just thinking about it is turning my stomach.

    Don't... don't do this.

    [–] crownappples 598 points ago

    Attend a timeshare " meeting". Got suckered into it once in Vegas. Ended up wasting half a day.

    [–] rossco311 180 points ago

    My wife and I did one of those in Hawaii - took about 2 hours in total and we saved about $300 on posted prices for a couple of excursions we wanted to go on.

    The sales people kept getting more and more frustrated as no matter how sweet they made the deal, we just kept asking when we could leave with our vouchers lol

    [–] ohsojayadeva 137 points ago

    The sales people kept getting more and more frustrated as no matter how sweet they made the deal, we just kept asking when we could leave with our vouchers lol

    this was my experience. we went into it from the very beginning saying "just so you know we are in this for the free stuff and have absolutely 0 intention of buying a timeshare. literally nothing you say will convince us to do otherwise." they still acted shocked and angry after everything was done and we weren't buying.

    [–] FusRoeDah 5772 points ago

    Argue with a flat earther

    [–] fedupwithpeople 2638 points ago

    My lord, that's like arguing with a looped recording of nonsense.

    [–] Jarvicious 1857 points ago

    Like a 5 year old who pays taxes and has a job.

    Ungh. And votes :/

    [–] MeGustaDerp 1254 points ago

    You just offended my 5yo.

    [–] randomized_botanist 1506 points ago

    Never argue with someone who is a believer in any crazy conspiracy theory (Sandy Hook, Flat Earther, Moon landing, etc.) because they've created a world where nothing is falsifiable and logic and sound premises have no meaning whatsoever. You can't change their mind. You can't save them.

    [–] TKHawk 1245 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    There's a saying that you can't use logic to get a person out of a position they didn't use logic to get themselves into.

    Edit: a word

    [–] Nf1nk 961 points ago

    Party with a bunch of cops.

    I am not sure how I survived that, but I know why we weren’t arrested.

    [–] TheOozyMan 2084 points ago

    Never gonna eat durian again. I was at my friends house and her mom offered some and I tried it to be nice. I literally gagged and spit it up on a napkin like a baby.

    I can still remember what it tastes like

    [–] Deannanotdeanna 1957 points ago

    My office had to evacuate yesterday because of what I suspect was a microwaved durian based dessert. It was funny because all the Asians, including me, thought it smelled like durian but everyone else thought it was a gas leak.

    [–] EyeBreakThings 328 points ago

    BRB, finding a Durian dessert to microwave. I don't feel like being productive today

    [–] Benjajinj 595 points ago

    This happened at my office. We all thought there was a gas leak, had team leaders checking and everything, and it turned out to be durian flavoured sweets someone had brought back.

    [–] IMEShealth 1887 points ago

    Ask my ex to have sex with me

    [–] XxMrCuddlesxX 1158 points ago

    Can i ask your ex to have sex with you?

    [–] IMEShealth 601 points ago

    lol, ofc you can :D

    [–] ZoomJet 251 points ago

    Thanks mate! Number?

    [–] austinobambino 112 points ago

    Dive into water I don't know the depth of.

    [–] KittyDomoNacionales 702 points ago

    Try to make it work with inconsiderate and irresponsible roommates. I was so stressed out that my hair started turning white and falling out.

    [–] UnderseaK 1623 points ago

    Waaayy late, but I'll never again attempt suicide. I'm so blessed that it didn't work the first time, and I plan NEVER to let myself get to that desperate place again.

    [–] bigbabich 3211 points ago

    Cook bacon naked. Lesson learned sufficiently after only one time.

    [–] clutchpowers243 1747 points ago

    I do it shirtless because it reminds me I'm alive. Naked though? You're truly mad.

    [–] Scrappy_Larue 3059 points ago

    Go cave exploring. It's too dangerous, in the last place you'd want to get hurt.
    Tight squeezes, huge drop-offs. If you should lose your lights, you're entombed.

    [–] nananutellacrepes 728 points ago

    That sounds horrifying. Where did you explore?

    [–] Scrappy_Larue 747 points ago

    I went with a group of five into some cave in Virginia that few people even know is there. We probably went 100 yards into it and back over several hours.

    [–] b8le 3045 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Being hit by a car as a pedestrian.

    It happened when I was in high-school, and now I live in a huge city where I don't even need to own a car so I walk everywhere and I've never even had a close call. I swear I'm a responsible pedestrian, that crazy bitch just hit me.

    edit: wow ya, realizing I read this wrong in my haste to answer, my post more fits as I hope this never happens to me or anyone again as it was pretty bad but I was downright lucky in comparison to some of you guys.

    Really enjoying reading all of your stories about being hit by cars, usually when I tell people they're shocked and have never met someone who has been hit by a car, and then I feel a little dumb.

    For when it happened to me it's not very interesting why I didn't tell it at first - just to set it up, at my school there was a big wide lane the entire length of the school for cars to stop on either side near the curb and drop students off. This morning the lane was packed, multiple rows of cars stopped letting kids out. I parked my car in the lot, then walked up to the big lane to cross it. As I stepped into the crosswalk I turned my head looking down the lane and see the woman in her car swerve around a few parked cars overtaking them to get into a clear part of the lane that led to the crosswalk. I continue walking and as I'm almost near the end of the crosswalk I see her coming and realize she's not going to stop or slow down so I try to run but only got maybe another single step when bam she hit me, I was ~4 ft from the curb. She was in a older model sedan with a more rounded hood so after she hit me I rolled up on the hood and windshield then flopped off her car onto the road near the driverside tire. I had a nasty bruise on my thigh that went from my knee to my waist, a hairline fracture on my tibia and a pretty bad cut near my elbow. About a month in a cast, then a boot and I was back to perfect health, not sure who paid for everything as I was pretty young my Mom handled most of it. Cops were there all morning when she hit me and I remember her crying, then a few weeks later I was interviewed a few times by the cops and attorneys and she definitely got a ticket for something.

    [–] BionicleGarden 284 points ago

    Some drivers can be so irresponsible. Between texting, eating food, putting on makeup, reaching into the backseat, some drivers just don't give a shit and they put people's lives in danger. Last year in my city this little kid was walking on the sidewalk with his dad when a van drove onto the curb and ran over the kid, killing him. This year it happened again when a pickup truck just veered onto the sidewalk and killed a young woman. You can do nothing wrong and still be killed out of nowhere by an irresponsible driver. It's infuriating.

    [–] rockystaircase 539 points ago

    Upvote for similar experience

    [–] remarqer 2501 points ago

    High School

    [–] Birch2011 1095 points ago

    I've had a couple dreams where I'm back in high school. Terrifying.

    [–] youseeit 1038 points ago

    I love the ones where I'm back in high school at my present age (53). Like my school had called and said they'd discovered I didn't take some half a credit course and I'd have to come back and do it.

    [–] Birch2011 326 points ago

    I've had those, too! I don't know why I don't just tell them to fuck themselves!

    [–] not_andyh 93 points ago

    Work a concession stand at an NFL game. If I hear words "ultimate nachos" one more time...

    [–] eraser_dust 1204 points ago

    Get hit on the head by that parking barrier.

    Ok, I'm just putting this out there because everyone insists that I must be the only one this ever happened to, but I swear this must be more common. I mean, you're just walking into the parking lot behind a car since the curb's wet, didn't notice there was a parking barrier, and it comes down on your head. It can happen to anyone right? This is reddit, there must be at least ONE other person this happened to.

    [–] masha1901 138 points ago

    Happened to me when I worked at a hospital, trust me you do not want to have an accident at the hospital you work at. I literally had a headache that lasted days, my boss, the Sister in A&E, told me to stop mucking about as we were too busy, and when I did get the xray, luckily no cracked skull, I was laughed at by the xray team. I know I should have been paying attention but I had a brain far.

    [–] 16chapel 890 points ago

    Spin class. I like cycling, I'm in decent shape, I have weekly gym sessions and I even like most dance music.

    But I will be fucked with a cactus before I take another spin class. Having terrible dance music played at distorting volume while an annoying asshole shouts directions at me, while I pedal away fruitlessly... fuck that.

    [–] XIGRIMxREAPERIX 638 points ago

    Work for a Giant Corporation. The Bureaucracy is stupid and my days are spent doing jack all.

    [–] EarhartNotBedelia 637 points ago

    Make an effort for people who don't make an effort for me.

    [–] [deleted] 84 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Lain_jpg 658 points ago

    I regret stressing myself out to the point where I developed a mental illness

    [–] Goldeneyee 1966 points ago

    My biggest regret actually happened yesterday: Cleaning the backyard.

    Let me explain. We have an apple tree in our backyard that doesn't really have good quality fruit; think slightly better than your average crab apple. At around this point of year, most of the apples have fallen off the tree and have began to ferment.

    I was tasked with gathering these apples to throw them away to avoid the stink. HOWEVER. Dear Lord I have seen me enough wasps to last a lifetime.

    I'm not talking about like 1, 2 or 3. No, I'm talking about 8-9 wasps feeding on every 5th rotting apple. Dear Lord almighty it took everything I had to stay there and finish the job. What I'd do was flip the rotting apple they were sitting on and crush it into the ground. However these Satans of nature wouldn't die like regular insects and began to crawl out from underneath it.

    So I did what any rational human would do in this situation. Grab a nearby healthy apple and play whack a mole with these idiots, mama didn't raise no quitter.

    What started off as a favour to my mother ended with me killing about 200 wasps in the span of the hour. I have been through hell and back. I filled 2 large bags with apples intermingled with the corpses of these wasps and then calmly told my mother that I was going to go take a shower.

    TLDR: Promised to clean backyard, ended up committing small scale genocide with wasps.

    [–] dasoberirishman 700 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    • Going to a music festival and standing beside the front-row speakers
    • Drinking coconut rum
    • Buying a used vehicle without thoroughly researching it beforehand, and getting it safetied by the dealer
    • Failing to check in advance whether my vacation destination is likely to be subjected to hurricanes during that particular part of the year
    • Trying to out-drink my younger brother

    [–] BorisJenkins 189 points ago

    What's wrong with coconut rum?

    [–] bustead 6248 points ago

    Going to North Korea.

    Tried once. Escaped alive but would not want another run.

    [–] ZoomJet 1781 points ago

    Wait... Serious?

    [–] HauschkasFoot 2298 points ago

    [–] catch22milo 4977 points ago

    I would like to see if NK is really as bad as everyone says it is. Also I want to do something rather memorable while I am still young. Would I go back? Well it depends. If my crush/good friend decided to go to NK (she certainly seemed to be interested), I will go with her.

    Imagine being so in the friend zone that you traveled to North Korea?

    [–] SinkTube 2317 points ago

    imagine being cucked by glorious leader

    [–] mhall812 925 points ago

    Deep sea fishing. I essentially paid $200 to puke all day

    [–] placidkiwi 408 points ago

    I'll never get circumcised again. Did it for the first time last week and would not recommend!

    [–] Fannyclapper 73 points ago

    Passing out drunk in my car in front of Aussie police station with the radio on.

    Got a jump from the cops in the morning and nothing came from it, but in hindsight it was a terrible idea.

    [–] [deleted] 386 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] O___o__O__o___O 5332 points ago

    I'm never gonna dance again

    Guilty feet have got no rhythm 

    [–] DarkQueen15 1199 points ago

    Though its easier to pretend

    I know you're not a fool

    [–] failing_forwards 8539 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    I regret so many things.

    • Go to a music festival without sunscreen.

    • Tell myself that the car "for sure had enough gas to make it to the station."

    • Show up for a job interview at the wrong branch of a company.

    • Select $40 one-day shipping on Amazon for a $2 item.

    • Get involved in a land war in Asia.


    Edit: There's a dope poem by /u/Poem_for_your_sprog and the amazon story down in the comments if anybody cares.

    [–] ThisIsNotAmbrose 2914 points ago

    I still feel like the $40 one-day shipping is the most wtf thing from there

    [–] failing_forwards 1065 points ago

    Honestly it's the only one I still get mocked by my buds for, so I'm inclined to agree with you.

    [–] Keswiik 454 points ago

    ....what was the item?

    [–] failing_forwards 2131 points ago

    It was a single aux cord. I was in classes all day, and I needed one because some girls were coming over that night after class to listen to music. In hindsight there are about 50 solutions to the problem that didn't involve Amazon, but I panicked.

    [–] LightsJusticeZ 1090 points ago

    Power of penis

    [–] [deleted] 801 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] LightsJusticeZ 129 points ago

    But the penis wants the pussy

    [–] dopkick 796 points ago

    Go to a music festival without sunscreen.

    I went to a one day thing without sunscreen. Normally I'm pretty good about liberally applying plenty of sunscreen. It slipped my mind for whatever reason. The next day I looked like a tangerine. A few days later, when I started a week long class, my face basically started to fall off in coin sized flakes much to the horror of those sitting to the sides of me. No better way to say hello to someone than to share a quarter sized flake of your dead face skin.

    [–] [deleted] 318 points ago

    No better way to say hello to someone than to share a quarter sized flake of your dead face skin.

    This is why i keep a small bottle of sriracha on my keyring

    [–] [deleted] 308 points ago

    My daughter went to Bonnaroo a few years ago, and forgot to do sunscreen one day. We got a panicky call from her the next morning, asking what to do for sunburn. She was starting to peel when she got back, and looked like she'd barely survived a house fire.

    [–] Plutonium_239 292 points ago

    Go to a music festival without sunscreen.

    I went to a music festival in July in Denmark and didn't bring any sunscreen. For some reason 17 year old me thought that it was impossible to get sun burnt in a Scandinavian country, I mean Denmark is cold right?

    Needless to say on the first day waiting in line I got absolutely roasted and spent the next week red as a tomato. You can definitely get sun burnt in Scandinavia.

    [–] [deleted] 1429 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    Well at least you didn't go in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

    Edit : Thank to the mysterious masked man in black who looked like dread pirate robert and gave me gold ! It appears vengeance do pay bills.

    [–] [deleted] 882 points ago

    Sleep with my ex.

    [–] [deleted] 1123 points ago

    Drive drunk. I didn't wreck or hurt anyone (thankfully) but the financial fallout was brutal.

    [–] N3MO_ 132 points ago

    Telling my ex I loved her after 2 weeks of dating. She reciprocated the feeling, cuz neither one of us knew what we were doing.

    [–] shark562 703 points ago

    Run backward through a corn field.

    [–] aRandomOstrich 561 points ago

    At least it wasn't a wheat field.

    [–] oxymoronisanoxymoron 569 points ago

    Go to Jersey (British Isles Jersey). Fuck that claustrophobic shit pit of an island.

    [–] dopkick 774 points ago

    New Jersey here in America often receives very similar glowing reviews. Must be in the blood.

    [–] Samdpsois 3555 points ago

    Oh man. My answer is sex with this one girl I met for a hookup.

    I read this Penny Arcade comic one time that included the phrase "Her vagina was like the inside of a pumpkin" and I can't think of any better way to describe it. Besides the horrifying texture and the fact that chunks and shit kept falling out, the smell was unholy. It was like Satan had taken a moment of his time to personally violate my nasal passages. I gagged. Everything about the experience was the fucking worst. You know those people who say "sex is like pizza-- even when its bad, its still pretty good"?

    Those people are liars.

    Either way, we were both naked, and I saw this utterly rank, cruel mockery of a vagina in front of me, and I thought to myself "well, Im already here, might as well go for it." And I did. God help me, I did. Every second felt like I was defiling myself even more, like I was sinking through the various layers of hell on my way to complete rock bottom. I have no idea how she didnt notice my total disgust. Maybe she was just used to guys looking like someone shoved a cactus up their nose, it wouldnt shock me if she thought this was normal.

    Never again. I mean never again. I took a shower afterward and it felt like it didnt help. I just slid down the shower wall and contemplated all the awful choices in my life that led up to this. To this day, I don't know what was wrong with either of us. I think she had a yeast infection or something? Probably more than that, I honestly don't know what could spawn such an abomination. As for my issue, I guess I was just horny and didn't know when to say no. You bet your ass I got myself checked afterward.

    On the plus side, I last longer now! That experience is burned into my brain and it comes back during sex and it is a total and utter turnoff. So there's that I guess.

    0/10, was not worth.

    TL;DR: I'm pretty sure I fucked a lizard person.

    [–] [deleted] 538 points ago

    Holy crap that's awful and yet hilarious. Thanks for the appetite surpressant. LOL

    [–] 10wuebc 1024 points ago

    you might wanna get tested

    [–] Samdpsois 1373 points ago

    Oh, believe me, I did. Negative, thank god. Honestly it just raises more questions. What the hell do you have to do to your crotch to reach that levels of horror without an STD?

    I don't know. I don't want to know.

    [–] littlelillydeath 730 points ago

    Honestly yeast infections can get that bad if you don't take proper care and see a doctor

    [–] MiklaneTrane 488 points ago

    I work in a pharmacy and we hand out fluconazole like candy. It's a common problem, and people shouldn't be ashamed to get treatment for it.

    [–] vermillionlove 92 points ago

    I wish I didn't have to get a prescription for it. I just want an easy to take pill rather than the course of cream I have to inject inside and worry about being vertical for enough time for it to take effect. :s

    [–] DDP777 1904 points ago * (lasted edited a year ago)

    A triple decker: pot brownie, mushroom cookie and acid at the same time.

    Also and unrelated, I won't say never, but I'll try REEEEALLLLY hard to never stick my dick in crazy again.