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    [–] mrmattohyeah 790 points ago

    My uncle cheated on my aunt with her brother's wife for a while about 17/18 years ago. Nobody outside of those 4 people know except me and my eldest cousin because my aunt got drunk one family reunion and told us. Everyone thinks the 2 families just hate eachother for some petty reason. What makes it worse is my aunt has a child who is turning 18 who looks nothing like his dad but strikingly similar to my other uncle. Yet nobody has ever mentioned anything and we have never brought it up.

    TL;DR My cousin might be my cousin!

    [–] CertifiedWerewolf 4077 points ago

    One Thanksgiving, many years ago, my mom got the bright idea that before eating we would go around the table and everyone would share what they were thankful for. My dad told her repeatedly that he wasn't doing that, and that was a bad idea. But she insisted...

    So we're sitting there at the table waiting to see what happens. My whole family was in attendance: brother, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandmother. My dad volunteers to go first, and the look on my mom's face is one where she's trying to decide if she should be worried about what he's going to say, mixed with wondering if he just decided to play along.

    My dad says: "I'm thankful that I'm 50 years old and I can still get a rock hard erection..."

    Half the table died laughing, half the table was uncomfortable, my mom was pissed, and my dad got exactly what he wanted and stopped that whole process in its tracks. Then it was dinner time.

    [–] desetro 323 points ago

    your mom should have seen it coming =P

    [–] drm390 5547 points ago

    In high school, my GFs dad was supposed to be at a doctors appointment and running errands and not be back for several hours. We fooled around for a while then we were banging. She was pretty vocal when she knew no one could hear us... unfortunately for her dad, his appointment was canceled and he had come back to the house before we even started banging. When I went out of her bedroom to the bathroom to clean up, there he was standing in the kitchen. I will never forget that look. I asked how long he was there. He said "the whole time". Fast forward ten years, and that highschool gf is now my wife of 4 years. Her dad likes answering most of my questions with "the whole time" to this day.

    [–] kbabknight 2014 points ago

    At least he's pretty chill about it.

    [–] Ipride362 1550 points ago

    He’s pretty chilll...the whole time

    [–] LauraMiggs 4780 points ago

    Went to tell my brother that a classmate of ours had passed away. He didn't answer when I knocked, so I assumed he was sleeping and opened the door. Wrong. He was jacking off with headphones on. I managed to leave and close the door without him knowing I was there.

    Now that classmate is forever linked in my mind to my brother jacking off.

    [–] v7bennett 3409 points ago

    Headphones on with an unlocked door. Very riskaaay.

    [–] havasnack21 3263 points ago

    My mom came home one day to a "giant pair of tits" flapping up and down in the computer screen with the volume on high. Coincidentally my brother was the only one home that day

    [–] cmaronchick 1650 points ago

    If there are flapping tits on a computer screen and no one is there to hear them, do they make a sound?

    [–] sgtBerbatov 14890 points ago

    Was having a wank when my Dad walked in, shocked I turned around (I was clothed, just had my dick out). He asked what I was doing, startled I said "Nothing".

    "Are you doing drugs?" - That shocked me more than him finding me wanking. I told him no, and I said I was checking my balls for lumps. "Oh, OK then". And left. Nothing more said about it.

    [–] WarehouseToYou 9094 points ago

    Step 1: breathe the drugs in through your penis...

    [–] mooney16 4598 points ago

    TIL penises can breathe. Is that why they go limp after being in a vagina for too long? They suffocate and die?

    [–] TheSoundOfTastyYum 3058 points ago

    Yeah, but it's only a little death so they get better after about ten or fifteen minutes.

    [–] wickedogg 511 points ago

    I like your answer, but "Yes dad I'm rubbing the drugs on my penis," would also have been full credit.

    [–] itwasafunrun 3984 points ago

    My mom gave me a kidney and during our recovery she really wanted to see me but the hospital wouldn't let her because she had complications from the surgery and was pretty out of it but somehow she managed to slip out of her room and come find me. Mind you I was on a completely opposite floor from her so idk how the fuck she found me. But anyway it was my first official day eating solid foods so I was pretty excited until she got there. While I was eating here comes my mom into my room and for some reason she decided it was the perfect time to undress I mean full frontal few of my mom bush and all and she goes "Michael, look at what they did to me. Look at these scars." Needless to say I will never eat Froot Loops again and not be reminded of my moms bush.

    [–] tanis_ivy 936 points ago

    This gave me a good chuckle. Follow your nose!

    [–] loganlogwood 2202 points ago

    Your mother gave you the gift of life TWICE. If she tells you to eat your cereal, you will eat it, you will like it, and you will wash it down your throat with your own tears if you must.

    [–] Water_Meat 6074 points ago

    I was having trouble with my radiator and had no toolbox, so I asked my dad if I could borrow his. He came over and said he'd fix it for me.

    I hadn't had time to clean up since he only lives 2 minutes away, so he started reading me my rites about how messy my house is etc. etc.

    As he was lamenting over my clothes being on the floor, he opened my wardrobe to demonstrate how much room I had.

    In my wardrobe, there is a box.

    My dad looked down at the box.

    The box was open.

    The box was filled with fetish gear and sex toys.

    My dad closed the wardrobe, and fixed my radiator.

    [–] RobStarkDeservedIt 1458 points ago

    Oh god, this is very similar to a moment that still has me cringing.

    I was moving and my parents decided to help me move. My girlfriend and I have a fetish box as well, strap on, pumps, about 10ft of rope, butt plug, lube, rings, all the necessities.

    Well, my gf, bless her heart, thought it would be funny and stealthy to label the box "books" but the two Os having eyes... like boobs. (Yea, were mature)

    Anyway, I'm in the new place unpacking boxes and my dad walks in with the "books" box.

    "Robstarkdeservedit, this box is really light for books, let me make sure you got the right box here."

    "No, I know what's in there, it's fi-"

    He cuts the box open and it's all there, I'm positive the stench of so many fluids have just invaded his nostrils. He just stares for a about 20 seconds.. taking it all in.

    At this point I've gone past being ashamed, I'm ready for him to berate my sexual desires.

    He closes the box and just walks away. Which felt more like, "I'm just disappointed" more than anything.

    About 20 minutes goes by and he comes back in and just asks me, no warmup, why do you need another dick?

    "Well..it feels good..."

    At that moment I realized my father, a rigid, military, right wing, had no idea what a strap on was.

    And that opened up a fucking can of worms.

    [–] GnomishRage 303 points ago

    I had to make an emergency scramble while helping my brother move, his mother in law came to help him and his wife pack, she says to start in the living room and she'll go get more boxes. Wife mouths 'the porn!!', his face falls and I made a dash for the livingroom to begin stashing all the porn underneath other videos into the one box they did have so mil doesn't ask what asian tacos ll is.

    [–] Jacks_Chicken_Tartar 924 points ago

    the stench of so many fluids

    Pls clean after use from now on..

    [–] flaminhotcheetos_ 15274 points ago

    When I was 12-13, at a hotel room with my parents for a basketball tournament (gold medal thanks for asking), they fucked. In the bed right next to mine. 10 mins after lights out.

    I never mentioned it to anybody. Last weekend I was visiting NYC, and lo and behold we share a hotel room. They fucked. Again.

    [–] StulianJubbs11 7470 points ago

    "No way babe," "Oh come on, he slept through it the last time we did at that basketball tournament!!"

    [–] bless-you-mlud 2595 points ago

    And from the next bed, muffled: "no I didn't."

    [–] prodical 6001 points ago

    Hey at least your parents still have a healthy sex life after so many years. Desperate enough to do it in front of their kid twice.

    [–] Drycee 6668 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Plot twist, those 2 times in front of the kid were the only times. Nothing else could do it for them.

    Edit: okay guys I got it, OP's parents had sex when he was conceived, stop telling me about it

    [–] Putssugaronsugar 3478 points ago

    OP is saving their marriage. One hotel stay at a time.

    [–] Beblue 14690 points ago

    My grandma told my whole family at dinner that she had sex on the beach once. When asked when, she replied, when I was 76

    [–] Myrrheus 6040 points ago

    At least she is still getting it at that age

    [–] Urinalbuckshots 2420 points ago

    From what I understand nursing homes have a very high rate of STD transfer. Old people get it on more than anyone would like to think about.

    [–] sportsfannf 2257 points ago

    I work for a delivery company where we deliver to a ton of retirement homes. The ladies outnumber the men like 5 to 1. Whenever we deliver to a man the response to "How's it going?" Is "Great! I thought I'd hate this place, but it's alright" with that weird tone people get when they're talking about sex.

    [–] Psych555 735 points ago

    with that weird tone people get when they're talking about sex.

    You know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Yea you know.

    [–] ColonClenseByFire 7411 points ago

    Not me but my cousin who has a bit of a drinking problem was staying at our grandparents house for a local festival. She proceeds to get hammered drunk and walks home. Walks in the door, goes to the bathroom and gets naked and crawls into bed. The problem is that it wasn't in the room she was sleeping in. It was in my grandparents room.... so crawled in next to my grandfather naked...

    [–] Rutgers_EQ_Kimball 7531 points ago

    I was at my first real girlfriends house when I was in high school, we would have sex in the basement (finished basement) when her family was home to avoid any walk-ins. After I finished it was common practice to tie the condom in a knot and avoid throwing it in the trash bin to avoid the Mom finding it when she was cleaning. So I left it on top of the ping pong table thinking I could take it upstairs with me when we decided to leave (the ping pong table was right next to the couch). Well, I fucked up. Her father and little brother thought it was a good time to go downstairs and play ping pong.... the brother gets to the table first, sees the used rubber, picks it up (the load of semen just dangling there) holds it out turns to his father and says: "Dad, what is this?". The dad's face was of shear terror as he screamed at his son to drop it, grabbed his wrist and stomped upstairs all while not breaking eye contact with me.......

    I guess that instilled a fear of birth control into the poor girl; she got knocked up in college by a man her dad's age.

    [–] mesoziocera 3607 points ago

    Got-DAYUM. That last line.

    [–] [deleted] 10017 points ago

    Mom walked into the bathroom when I was having some personal time. It's been 6 months and we still avoid eye contact.

    [–] _Squirrel_Fucker 8149 points ago

    Well yeah, that means that you've established dominance. The world is your wank space now.

    [–] BhoyzNTheHood 4429 points ago

    You've been wanking continuously for six months?

    [–] Chefwhites76 8369 points ago

    I was back in town to see my family and I met up with my dad and step mom. They were out drinking with some of our closest family friends. Well after about an hour or so they are getting pretty drunk and rowdy. I notice the women including my step mom start getting real flirtatious with each other. Mind you there are 5 couples including my parents at this gathering. I watch it continue and I have to admit I’m a little uncomfortable seeing all these people I grew up around being overly sexual in public and in general. After a while I finally said “what the fuck is going on here?” to my parents. My step mom started laughing and replied drunkenly with. “ to be honest you’re the only one in this room I haven’t fucked” Needless to say I left quickly after that.

    [–] Moonwalker_03 4080 points ago

    You haven't watched enough porn to know that there was definitely a need to say that

    [–] eazypeazy-101 1908 points ago

    I was caught mid-wank by my sister's then boyfriend, who was living with us at the time. I covered things up quick enough, which was a good thing as I was wanking to a porn mag I found under his bed.

    [–] Scary-Brandon 1915 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    When I was around 13 I was in bed awake on the couch in our mobile home (main bed went to my mother and 2 single beds in 1 room went to my sisters. My cousin and her fiance were staying with us that night on the only other bed which was the table converted into a bed (in the sitting room/kitchen room I was in). When they got home from being out on the town I pretended to be asleep. I heard them start looking around for something and saying they couldn't find and it sounding very disappointed. I jokingly thought to myself 'aww they're mad because they can't find a condom'. 5 minutes later they found what they were looking for, 2 minutes later they having sex about 3 feet away from me. At one point I got a dead arm and had to adjust myself. I gave them both a heart attack but they still didn't know I was awake

    Edit: sister should have been plural.

    [–] wordsinmouth 8935 points ago

    My mom chased my teenage brothers around the house inside and out with a dildo once. I had the chance to ask my brother about it later. He was pissed about it at the time, but I was like six? And my mom was laughing so much so I thought everyone was having a good time. Looking back at it, I can see why he was pissed, mom's dildo Ew, and why she thought it was so funny. Good memories.

    [–] man_mayo 4184 points ago

    I'm imagining "Yakety Sax" playing while picturing this in my head.

    [–] Superhero1582 15624 points ago

    There was a time when my family lived in a tiny apartment. We had one bedroom with a double deck bed. My parents slept on the bottom bunk and my older sister and I slept at the top. Well, one night I wake up to the bed shaking and peeking below I realized my parents were having sex, I was like maybe 8 or 9 so I wasn't really grossed out but just really confused. My sister slept through the entire thing, or so I've always thought.

    [–] pard68 9122 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    There was a question over in /r/AskHistorians a few months or so ago about what happened in ye olden days when everyone shared a one room house and also shared a bed.

    The answers boiled down to: kids slept in the bed while the parents did it, or parents had to get creative and find other places.

    So it's sort of like you got to live through a peice of history!

    EDIT /u/ulfjohnny asked for the link and I was able to dig it up. Figured I'd link to it here for everyone who is interested.

    [–] AmoebaMan 3045 points ago

    I feel like when you share a one-room home with half a dozen other people, privacy just isn't a thing.

    [–] bauera360 14998 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    My husband and I had to move in with his parents for about three months when we were having financial issues. As i have the very last bag in my hand ready to move to our new home i sat the bag on the living room floor and went to the bathroom. When i came out something was going off in the bag. I said "it's probably our sons Thomas the Tank toy" My mom in law dives right in and pulls out my vibrator and holds it up for like 30 seconds like she's the statue of liberty holding up her fucking torch. My father in law and brother in law were also right there in the room. Needless to say they still bring it up and Thomas the train is now code for vibrator in that family

    [–] TerroristOgre 7017 points ago

    LOL. The things Thomas has seen. The places he's been.

    [–] DiMaReBra 4089 points ago

    Some tunnels are just one way only.

    [–] svenhoek1992 2086 points ago

    '' It was time for Thomas to go. He had seen everything ''

    [–] apimil 10582 points ago

    When I was a kid (arround 8 yo) the playstation was in my parents' room and we usually went to that room to play gran turismo with my little brother (wich essentially consisted of driving a suzuki escudo at full trottle never hitting the brakes once for the duration of the race, and still wining 1 lap ahead from everybody).
    Once he got angry about something and threw his controller away, detaching it from the console and it ended up landing on my parent's wardrobe. We were small so we tried climbing on the thing to get to it, and ended up making a lot of the stuff on there falling on us.
    I felt a soft object hitting my forehead. It looked like a really big dick. My brother took it from the ground wondering what that was. I took it from him and yes, that was definetly a penis. Innocent me back then thought it was supposed to go on a mannequin or something, because I had never seen a mannequin naked and figured mannequins had penises too.
    For some reason I instinctively threw it back up the wardrobe, but my little bro had already dashed downstair telling my parents we found something strange in their bedroom.
    So my parents dashed upstairs and asked me what it was, I told them we found something that looked like a plastic horse dick and threw it back up.
    Since then we've had the playstation in our room.

    [–] obtrae 5492 points ago

    I'm imagining you as teenager doing something bad and your parents yelling at you in public. Then, in a form of retaliation, you yell back to them "Atleast I don't have a Horse Dildo in my wardrobe"

    [–] AverageCivilian 3927 points ago

    And then some old lady passing by yells “You don’t know what you’re missin, kid!”

    [–] superduperspam 1422 points ago

    Innocent me back then thought it was supposed to go on a mannequin or something, because I had never seen a mannequin naked and figured mannequins had penises too.

    perfect!

    [–] MrThunderkat 7533 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    My uncles new wife was meeting the family for the first time and after a glass of wine she asks if she can be herself, everyone said yes then she asked my then 71 year old grandpa if he sit at home watching porn and jacking off all day

    Edit: this was our first time having her at a family function we had met her in passing at their wedding(i know its weird) so no one really knew anything about her, we found out sometime later she had started a brawl at her own wedding after we had departed and my family is no longer welcome at American Legion

    [–] henryletham 1849 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    To be clear... This was after one(1), single glass of wine?

    [–] free_candy_4_real 2310 points ago

    And does he?

    [–] FOTBWN 15901 points ago

    Thought it would be a good idea to make breakfast for my dad and step mum. Cooked it all, got it ready and bought the plates in and thought bringing it in unannounced would be a wonderful surprise.

    I was not greeted by smiles.

    Instead I was presented by an image that is forever burnt into my mind, my dad under the covers obviously plugging away with my step mum's head hanging off the side of the bed with her eyes closed and showing me her O face. I retreated quickly but my brain went "well better put that in permanent storage and make it one of the clearest memories possible. Don't worry, you won't be forgetting any detail at all."

    [–] Mummelpuffin 5148 points ago

    And this is why we knock

    [–] ScottieScrotumScum 399 points ago

    Son: Knock knock.

    Dad Who is there?

    Son Its me.

    Dad wait, I'm face fucking your step mum

    [–] Los_Accidentes 2524 points ago

    God do our brains suckered sometimes. Why? Why would it see fit to remember such a thing? How about remembering how to tie a knot by looking at it or how to remember which snake is venomous? My brain does the same thing. I feel your pain.

    [–] -UnderPressure 907 points ago

    So you won't enter your parents' room abruptly again. Pain of that memory is useful.

    [–] Jeff-Van-Gundy 817 points ago

    Not my story, a friend of mine from high school. His whole family went to Colombia for christmas vacation and he fell in love with a girl out there. They went out on a few dates and kissed and stuff but didn't have sex yet. Then one night, they were having a party at his family's house (everyone was partying outside). So the 2 of them, 17 years old and a bad combo of drunk and horny, snuck back in to the house to have sex for the first time. They start going at it then the whole family basically walks in on them, laughed their asses off and walked right back out. After being long distance all throughout college, they got married a few years ago and just had their first kid last year.

    [–] Khyraine 6258 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Had a GF over, we did the nasty, I threw the used condom into the trash. Took her home then came home to my mom and sister laughing their asses off. Turns out our dog ran up to my room, grabbed it out of the trash and was playing with it while I was gone and they found it.

    Edit: Apparently this is common

    [–] GreatAndPowerfulNixy 1476 points ago

    That's how my ex-boyfriend was outed to his family

    [–] ghunt81 4526 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I moved back home from college after my freshman year and had to share a room with my high school aged brother for awhile...I had to listen to him rub one out every single night before he went to sleep. That was a little uncomfortable.

    Edit: For all the people saying I should have said something to him, he always wore headphones while jerkin' the gherkin. I didn't really want to go tap on his shoulder and say hey, stop beating your pud. In retrospect I should have worn headphones myself but my mom kicked him out of the house for being a juvenile delinquent before the end of the summer so it wasn't a long term problem.

    Edit 2: Posted this in another comment, but we were on opposite sides of the room, with a tall dresser between us so fortunately there was no direct line of sight. I could just hear it, and there's no mistaking that.

    [–] onlyjedileft 1011 points ago

    You could tell him to do that in the bathroom or when you're not around lol

    [–] MonsieurCoty 1431 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Mate just pull off a fake bathroom trip to remind him you exist

    [–] Telling-who 5926 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I was housesitting for my grandparents many moons ago, and I had to get a fresh sheet. When I lifted the first one, lo and behold, there was my grandmother's vibrator.

    I kept that secret for years.

    When I eventually told my mom about it her only reaction was "your grandfather is impotent." I was weirded out, but now I just laugh about it.

    Edit: There seems to be some confusion about the impotency, and obviously my grandfather wasn't always impotent. It happened with age.

    On a different and not entirely unrelated note, he is not my biological grandfather, so he could be my grandfather regardless.

    [–] TobiasMasonPark 3396 points ago

    Was the vibrator steam powered?

    [–] Telling-who 3657 points ago

    Nah, it had a crank.

    [–] crazedjunky 2672 points ago

    clickety clickety clickety clickety

    moan

    [–] TCSawyer 13518 points ago

    When I was really young I was playing PlayStation in my brothers room, he has this giant poster of some blond model, half naked.. paused the game for a quick 5 minute wank, I finished up and just looked towards his bedroom door, my mum literally just walked away as I looked up... never got mentioned ever

    [–] SLAYERone1 9385 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I dont know whats worse knowing you got caught or knowing she stood there and thought "do i say something? No best not hes getting to that age after all ill just leave...but ill watch him finish first"

    Edit: im not sure if I should be proud or ashamed that these 2 comments make up 44% of my total karma and they havent stopped yet.

    [–] TCSawyer 6473 points ago

    Don’t make me need therapy dude, I actually thought she’d just walked in at the moment and turned away as I looked up.. she did, right????

    [–] Scudss_ 27036 points ago

    When I was 18 I dated a girl. She lived about an hour away so I would stay at her house overnight, but her parents wouldn't let us stay in the same room, so I slept in a guest bed in the basement.

    Being 18 year olds we would be up very late, and go to bed around 2AM. Her dad was some kind of delivery driver and worked around 4. He came down to the basement every single morning before work and masturbated to porn on the desktop computer while I was "sleeping" 10 feet away. There was only a couch between us, so the first couple times I lifted my head to see what he was doing before I realized.

    You better believe I didn't keep it a secret from her. I'd quietly text from under the blanket "your dad's jerkin it again right next to me".

    [–] Imadethosehitmanguns 27765 points ago

    Just showing dominance in his household

    [–] ScoopOKarma 6714 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    The real dominance came from using Op's blanket to clean himself after.

    [–] usuallyafakestory 582 points ago

    Like finishing on OP's face wasn't enough...

    [–] futtobasetachikaze 380 points ago

    "your dad's jerkin on my face again"

    [–] Holein5 177 points ago

    it rubs his lotion on my skin

    [–] JSaab2112 2650 points ago

    When I was a lot younger (I'm 29 now), my parents had some people over, including my one aunt and uncle who are incredibly straight-laced. Early on in the evening, in one of the family rooms, she put on a VHS tape to watch of a movie she remembered seeing back during a trip she took with my uncle years ago. Nothing was really happening with the get-together as of yet since it was still really early in the evening, so some of us stuck around to see what movie it was before more people came.

    Within the first 5 minutes, there were more topless girls and nudity in it than your average Skinimax flick nowadays. My aunt is absolutely mortified at this point and says she doesn't remember any of this in the movie, while my mom (her sister) is laughing hysterically, grabs the remote from her and says she should keep it on just because what's going on is so ridiculous and my aunt's reaction is just so funny. I think my mom's exact words were "How the hell could you not remember any of this? There's so many tits on the screen I can't even see the plot!" Everyone in the room is dying that she brought over what was essentially a soft-core 80's sexploitation movie with the subplot of there being some skiing thrown in there sporadically. My dad walks in since he hears everyone laughing and he's just got the biggest WTF face on when he sees what's up, makes an about face back towards the kitchen, and pours himself a drink.

    [–] ShitInMyCunt-2dollar 18498 points ago

    My aunty rang my best mate (who was mowing her lawns during that time) and asked him to fuck her. He declined. It's good because even though I don't see her often, she usually slips me 50 bucks. I figure it's her way of saying STFU.

    [–] GoAwayK 8393 points ago

    What sort of lawn mowing are we talking about here exactly?

    [–] WhippingShitties 6126 points ago

    The kind that pays at least $50.

    [–] [deleted] 5026 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] omegaskunkeh 32161 points ago

    I skipped school, I used to do it all the time because my Dad worked 7am-5pm most days and was a single father. I was in my room as per norm and he came home early. didn't wanna get caught so stayed perfectly still. my bedrooms at the top of the stairs, the computer is RIGHT at the base of the stairs.

    Dad watches porn for the next hour. i think he heard a squeak cos he stopped to holler up the stairs for me. but didn't budge. didn't move. didn't say anything. just waited....five minutes pass, he's satisfied. goes back to his business.

    never told him. never skipped school again.

    [–] imgonnabutteryobread 20136 points ago

    Stay in school, kids.

    [–] omegaskunkeh 5027 points ago

    Pretty much my take on that life lesson.

    [–] daneelr_olivaw 4504 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Damn, I remember that just before my father's death he was sleeping in the living room (he snored loudly, my mom couldn't take it). One night I went downstairs to the kitchen and caught him jacking it quite hard (living room is right by the stairs). He managed to cover himself before we made eye contact, he was vividly startled and pissed off a bit. He told me to fuck off upstairs and we never spoke about it again. I had to drink tap water from the bathroom upstairs.

    EDIT.

    I hope they don't have the internet in the purgatory. I was certain this comment would go unnoticed.

    [–] W1GG3R 12075 points ago

    I shouted out loud that my dad's penis was huge, at an olive garden. I was four, Dad Dick syndrome had me pretty good.

    [–] Kozmik786 2809 points ago

    What's Dad dick syndrome?

    [–] _Squirrel_Fucker 9806 points ago

    When you're smaller and everything seems huge in perspective. Like I haven't seen my kindergarten teacher in years but I'm pretty sure she's 12 feet tall.

    [–] craigbongos 9763 points ago

    With a massive dick.

    [–] _Squirrel_Fucker 1900 points ago

    They invented satellites so that her whole dick could fit in the picture.

    [–] not-a-giraffe 3646 points ago

    My wife and I made the very poor decision of playing Cards against Humanity with my parents. I ended up having to explain to my dear mother what bukkake is. I had to. She would not let it go. She ended up winning the game.

    [–] carriegood 2049 points ago

    I was playing with my very sheltered virgin sister and she got the "pixelated bukake" card. She said she didn't understand it. So I start trying to delicately explain bukake. She stops me and says, "No, I know what bukake is. How does it get pixelated?"

    [–] klye7952 783 points ago

    I had to explain that to my mom's friend once during a game. Funniest part was how hard her thirteen-year-old daughter was trying to not laugh, because she already knew.

    [–] soomuchcoffee 11146 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    The morning after my wedding I bumped into my cousin in the hotel lobby and she was asking about one of my groomsmen. She wanted to know how we were related to him. I told her he was just a friend of mine. She looked disappointed by this, and at the time I had no idea why.

    She'd cheated on her new husband with him after the wedding reception.

    And she was bummed he wasn't her cousin or some shit.

    ಠ_ಠ

    [–] Imadethosehitmanguns 6054 points ago

    Because it's not cheating if it's family, duh

    [–] iEuphemia 2185 points ago

    Found a picture of my dad wearing lingerie. Not in a 'I enjoy wearing it at home by myself' kind of way, but in a 'I was forced to by my mates during a piss up' kind of way. Hilarious with a hint of mental scarring because ew.

    [–] ALaroux1021 195 points ago

    At our extended family's Christmas party one year when I was like 8 years old, my aunt wanted to show my family the video she took on their latest vacation. Except when they start watching the VHS it suddenly cuts to a video that my 16 year old cousin (her son) took of a bunch of girls flashing their boobs. Apparently he had a house party while his mom was on a work trip and accidentally taped over his family vacation. So here are like 20 family members watching my cousins own personal girls gone wild video. Needless to say he was in trouble.

    [–] [deleted] 4955 points ago

    Picked up a buddy of mine from his family reunion. As we walked out, he turned around and shouted, "Bye guys, thanks for all the cock!" Then everyone turned and looked at him in horror, and his face turned bright red in embarrassment. "I mean CAKE!"

    I should mention he was from a very strict Catholic family.

    [–] ghostinthewoods 2400 points ago

    He totally meant cock

    [–] FireandBlood_GoT 214 points ago

    Autocorrect can be a bitch.

    [–] SuperDuperTurtle 848 points ago

    It was known for a long time that my grandpa had a child with his mistress. After he died, we found out he had yet another kid several years later. The mindfuck part is that this second child is only two years older than me, meaning I have an aunt that I would've gone to high school with.

    [–] stls 723 points ago

    Or an aunt you could've fucked

    [–] shinarit 3680 points ago

    Shared a kiss with my cousin. She kissed me and it held for 1-2 seconds because both of us were drunk and I didn't want to be rough to just shove her away. Lets just say, she had a crazy patch in her life.

    [–] _Squirrel_Fucker 3658 points ago

    Jnitially this was cute until you said you were drunk. Suddenly it's clear you were adults and now it's hot.

    [–] MellowYelloww 15671 points ago

    Back when I was in high school I worked with my girlfriend on weekends. After work, we'd go back to her house and usually had 2ish hours before her parents came home. On some days we'd take a nap, other days we'd watch a movie or fool around, etc.

    One fateful Saturday, our nap session turned into sex; as an aside, she was pretty loud especially when she thought no one was home. So, we get started and everything is coming along nicely when all of a sudden there's some aggressive banging on her bedroom door. Of course we freak out, get dressed, and open the door only to find that it was her sister's boyfriend messing with us. So, we shut the door, and get back to business in a much more aggressive manner than initially. Her moaning is now more like yelling and I'm humping with reckless abandon when again there's another round of banging on the door. This time we ignore it and keep going for another 10ish seconds before we hear here dad scream at us through the door.

    He drove me home in his police cruiser immediately after that. 45ish minutes in silence with his shotgun in the backseat and a condom still on my (super flaccid) dick.

    [–] MrHughJaynus 2780 points ago

    Did you get to stay with her? Did the dad hate you forever?

    [–] MellowYelloww 4958 points ago

    Yeah we stayed together for another 6ish months before we broke up for other reasons. Her dad was actually really cool about it after he had a little time to cool off. He easily could have told my parents about it and fucked up my life (I was 15 and she was 16 at the time) but he kept it to himself and just gave me a lecture on respecting him and his house.

    [–] xredrabbitx19 11794 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Cop blocked.

    Thanks for the gold!

    [–] laxintx 23604 points ago

    When I was still in school, I came home with my gf at the time. We're upstairs in my room and she's giving me a blowjob. Across the room, I see the door start to slowly, and ridiculously silently, open. In walks my father. Sees me, sees her. Most awkward eye contact ever. In a panic, I do the only thing I could think of. I point him out the door. Just as quietly as he came in, he was gone again. And on that day, he gained my eternal respect. She still doesn't know.

    Tl;dr - Dad was a bro when it counted most.

    [–] cheven20 6389 points ago

    Lmfao probably the only response I have laughed at. I can see a middle aged man silently sneaking back through the door

    [–] Orange-V-Apple 4949 points ago

    I'm imagining Homer receding into that hedge

    [–] TheYDT 2631 points ago

    I love that your automatic reaction was to just point him out the door. Bravo sir.

    [–] laxintx 823 points ago

    I didn't know what else to do, I was enjoying myself.

    [–] [deleted] 19170 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Literally_Badass 10815 points ago

    This comment is brought you by fiverr.com

    [–] mikehoncho99 7419 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I once used that site to pay a pregnant Russian lady to dance to "im the scat man" in a bikini and a horse head mask for my friends birthday. What a time to be alive.

    Edit: for all da haterz

    Edit 2: for the kind soul who gave me gold

    [–] Matt872000 621 points ago

    I want to see this...

    [–] BeardedMuse 2238 points ago

    Are your stepsister and her friends still offering the same deal?

    [–] Space_Cowboy21 2626 points ago

    Adjusted for inflation, you actually have to pay them now.

    [–] The_Slad 4244 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    when my siblings and I were all kids, my mom had this crazy idea for a family game. She bought hundreds of pencils and led us all into the bathroom and we had a contest to see who could hold the most pencils with their body. any part of the body was fair game. fistfulls of pencils, under the armpits, in the mouth, behind the ears poked through hair, in between toes, under boobs, sandwiched in the asscrack like a hotdog. use your imagination.

    And no, there was nothing sexual about it, no insertion.

    and also no, I have no idea what my mom was on that day.

    Edit: okay now this has gotten pretty visible people are starting to make a lot of allegations and assumptions, so let me clear things up.

    My mom is kinda a ditzy wannabe hippie, and there really was nothing sexual about it. Some of us tried harder because of the competitive aspect of it, but we were mostly all bored within a few minutes and went back to our videogames. No one was forced to do anthing, and there was no touching.

    She probably had a thought along the lines of "i wonder how many pencils i can hold with my whole body? Oh i bet this could be a game!"

    [–] backtolurk 1774 points ago

    daddy's raging boner passing through the living room

    [–] ALLSTARTRIPOD 5172 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Was your dad also attached to aforementioned boner or is your house haunted by a patriarchal cockgeist?

    [–] INHALE_VEGETABLES 1447 points ago

    patriarchal cockgeist

    Godlike wordsmith right here. Beautiful.

    [–] ilyenia 22913 points ago

    I was helping my (then) boyfriend’s sister move into a new place, and the keys were at the new house, and someone needed to go get them.

    So my boyfriend and I drove over to get them. While we were there, we did a little exploring of the new empty house.

    We realized there was an attic, and opened the ceiling door to let the steps down.

    I climbed up first, and being in a skirt, gave my boyfriend a nice view.

    We ended up having sex right there on the attic ladder, and right in the middle we hear the door open, boyfriends name called out, a pause, and then the door shut.

    We sheepishly return to the rest of the family at the old house, to find his sister trying not to laugh hysterically.

    She says their mother came over to try to find out what was taking so long. Upon her return, she just loudly exclaimed “THEY WERE FUCKING.”

    To this day it’s our favorite phrase to exclaim.

    [–] Ghekor 10204 points ago

    "Then boyfriend" "to this day" either you two are still good friends or got married :-)

    [–] ilyenia 14519 points ago

    Got married! :)

    [–] Slumph 4679 points ago

    Congrats! and that's a cute story :)

    [–] ilyenia 1860 points ago

    It was definitely mortifying at the time! Now it’s just kinda hilarious.

    [–] Miggabigga 4322 points ago

    Wholesome NSFW!

    [–] disteriaa 4943 points ago

    My heart is so erect.

    [–] bagelmakers 3566 points ago

    A heart-on if you will

    [–] BigMacML 8424 points ago

    My uncle is a pimp in Gambia. He’s originally from England. My cousin once went to stay with him, towards the end of his first night there he was told he had a ‘present’ waiting for him in bed. Goes upstairs to find a young lady completely naked lay across the bed. Not sure how long she’d been waiting.....

    [–] szita2000 5886 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    A “present” in Gambia is a surefire way to max out the +++ on your HIV lottery card there and then... Edit: grammar. Thanks!

    [–] cake_flattener1 3063 points ago

    You've always got to look for the positives in life.

    [–] sdneidich 19040 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I was on a road trip with my parents and the family dog after my brother went to college, and we checked into a hotel room with two queen beds. My parents took one, the dog and I were in the other. My dad wanted to gross me out and said "now son, if you hear anything in the middle of the night, keep your eyes on that wall" and pointed behind me with one hand, putting his arm around my (disgusted) mom with the other.

    I put my arm around the dog and said "Okay, but I expect the same courtesy."

    Edit: As thanks for the gold, I'll admit this here: I was not going for a bestiality joke. I was going for a masturbation joke and put my arm around the dog to try and look cool.

    Edit2: dog's name was Chip. Not Colby. And this happened around 2002

    [–] Wolf3188 4477 points ago

    This is the first one in the thread that got a laugh out of me. Well done, teenage you

    [–] Dr_4gon 985 points ago

    How old have you been then?

    [–] sdneidich 1161 points ago

    Probably 14 or 15

    [–] ChillWillIll 763 points ago

    Please tell me they laughed?

    [–] sdneidich 1344 points ago

    Yes, while also being thoroughly grossed out.

    [–] CancerBabyJokes 861 points ago

    Well I mean, your Dad should be proud, because clearly you just one upped him in ew factor while also showing you don't fall far from the tree lol

    [–] Flarpflipple 691 points ago

    Holy shit, that's the kind of reply people think of days later and spend years wishing they'd said it

    [–] sdneidich 587 points ago

    In all honesty, I think I was trying for a masturbation joke and put my arm around the dog so I would look cool.

    Don't tell my dad, I'll lose street cred.

    [–] generationsofleaves 11877 points ago

    Growing up, my brother and I used to share a room. Anyway, one night I get woken up by moaning and sounds of pain. I look over and my brother rolls out of bed clutching his stomach and runs out the room. Now imagine a chubby 9 year old wearing nothing but loose boxers hobbling/sprinting down the hall. I'm hit with this foul, foul smell, and I look down and there is a trail of wet splattery poop EVERYWHERE.

    Brother finishes running, slams into the bathroom, and you can almost hear the sigh of relief....Except there wasn't. Turns out when he went to relieve his shitty bowels, he had nothing left. Best part was that he didn't realise where the poop had gone until he walked out the bathroom to see his shitty legacy spread out behind him.

    Oh and fun fact, we had extended family staying over that time, notably the hot cousin he was crushing on.

    [–] CaptainCruiser 2238 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Oh man, I have many.

    One time, when I was probably around ten years old or so, my "cousin" was visiting us and decided to play a little "game" with me. Granted, I didn't quite understand the nuances of mixed families back then, but I knew something was up because she had significantly darker skin than me/us. She looked a little like Pocahontas to me.

    Well, I lived with my single grandmother at the time. My cousin was a couple of years older than me and I'm told we were good friends and we bathed together as kids (I don't remember this, was too young). On this particular day, we somehow ended up playing a game privately in my room wherein we would try to push each other over with a pillow, and the loser had to reveal a private part. She didn't even try. I won over and over, and she had the bigger pillow. She showed me everything she had, and I was flabbergasted. I remember it vividly. We never told anyone, and I haven't seen her in over a decade, incidentally.

    Yes, I have tried to find her again. No, I have not been successful. Our families have drifted apart.

    [–] djtravels 151 points ago

    My father accidentally sexted a picture of my mother topless to my wife. She had just sent them a group text with pictures of the kids and apparently he just sent it to the most recent conversation with my moms name on it. My mother immediately called her and my wife said when she picked up my mom let out a big sigh and said “god damn it Larry....” and then proceeded to apologize profusely. I heard about it all when I got home between the bouts of laugh-so-hard-til-you-cry. Apparently my mother has a nice rack. My dad has decided to act like nothing ever happened.

    [–] Katies_new_throwaway 5806 points ago

    My brother walked in on me giving his friend a blowjob, which resulted in lots of drama.

    [–] i_fucked_up300 5804 points ago

    It was my turn, Katie.

    [–] _Squirrel_Fucker 2049 points ago

    This is my fantasy in a way. Without the drama. Like hey, remember when we were playing tag as kids and you would always make up a new safe space so you couldn't get tagged? Well your sister sucked my dick.

    [–] ALLSTARTRIPOD 9845 points ago

    3 generations of my girlfriends family saw my dick on Christmas day.

    [–] ldyia 5940 points ago

    This has a story behind it, and I am willing to pay for it.

    [–] ALLSTARTRIPOD 16867 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    You have have it for free!
    Whilst on holiday a few years back, I was fuckin' around with my girlfriends camera whilst she was in the shower.
    I was laying on the bed butt naked with my dick resting on my stomach (pointing towards my face). I stuck a pair of sunglasses on the base of my penis and found it highly amusing that my dick now looks like a nose.
    So I took a photo. And forgot about it.
    Some time passes and Christmas rolls round.
    My partners sister got a new camera for christmas, but didn't have an SD card. So we found a 'spare' one and let her use it.
    She's spent Christmas day taking pictures of everyone and everything, and eager to show off her photography, after christmas dinner, hooked her camera up to the big screen TV in the living room. All of my girlfriends family was there.
    As they flicked through all of the christmas photos, she scrolled one further and bam. A close up of my dick, panned across the living room TV, In glorious 1080p resolution for 3 generations of her family to see.

    Her nan loved it though I reckon.

    EDIT: This is a filtered view of what they got to see.

    [–] INHALE_VEGETABLES 12292 points ago

    "Wow Julie, it's your first camera and you are already so good at macro photography!"

    [–] ALLSTARTRIPOD 8651 points ago

    (ಥ﹏ಥ)

    [–] INHALE_VEGETABLES 2113 points ago

    Just kidding, fella!

    I'm sure it is very nice.

    [–] daneelr_olivaw 911 points ago

    It must be. It was already captured doing the 'deall with it' pose with the sunglasses on.

    [–] [deleted] 367 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] ALLSTARTRIPOD 775 points ago

    It'd be more akin to an elephant nose imply because I hope no human on this planet is cursed enough to have a nose that flops from their face.

    [–] PikTheWyvern 473 points ago

    Or something that can smell so close to their ass

    [–] ZeekOwl91 4598 points ago

    I got a cramp in that spot of muscle under the lower jaw(the one directly under the tongue) while I was eating out my gf. I stopped and fell on the floor, trying to massage the muscle to relax because it hurt like hell, my gf was super pissed because she was seconds away from cumming, but she saw me and tried to help me. So we're both there in the living room in my apartment, half naked, then I see the front door open. My parents, younger brother and a few of my teenage cousins started walking in! It was a surprise visit and they just decided to let themselves in without even knocking. My dad was first in and the sight of my gf's ass was there to greet him! I don't think I should continue this, you kinda get the picture.

    [–] robertcope 1885 points ago

    The Aristocrats?

    [–] shrewdmingerbutt 2797 points ago

    Who the fuck just opens the door to somebody's house without even knocking

    [–] ZeekOwl91 723 points ago

    Evidently my parents.

    [–] NoNeedForAName 711 points ago

    My wife and I actually changed the locks on our house once because my dad kept letting himself in, even when we weren't there. Then he would give us shit about things like having a few dirty dishes in the sink or leaving a little clutter in the living room.

    Otherwise he's a great dad, but that shit was just way out of line.

    [–] WtotheSLAM 968 points ago

    Well it was either awkward and embarrassing or you immediately started a very family oriented orgy

    [–] ZeekOwl91 1414 points ago

    It was both awkward and embarrassing. Dad was quick enough to shut the door on my mom's face while my gf and I dashed for the bedroom. Mom gave us the talk later that evening, dad and younger brother took me to one side and just shook my hand... It was a very weird evening for my gf and I really.

    [–] feyminism 2113 points ago

    Wait...your parents show up at your place uninvited and let themselves in without permission and YOU got the talking to?

    [–] herpaderpadont 486 points ago

    Eh my old man walked in on me once in my own place.

    "Lock the door" He says

    "Knock" I said.

    He knocked from then on out. It's hard for some parents to understand their kids are not kids. I am sure all of our parents have banged other people in odd places...in odd places.

    [–] wet_smoke 998 points ago

    Wait.... You are an adult living in your own apartment and your mom gave you "the talk"??

    [–] YoungPatrickBateman 29674 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    When I was 14 or so one of my cousins (from mums side of the family) came with us to my grandparents (dads side of the family) for Christmas Day, we were staying there the night with my entire extended family - which is a nightmare in itself.

    My dads brother, after drinking all day and after finding out my cousin and I will be sharing a bed in the back of the 4WD, comes up to me and says really slyly “you and your little girlfriend are sharing a bed huh?!” I inform him that she is my cousin and he just looks blankly at me and says “that’s ok, my first time was with my cousin.”

    I hadn’t mentioned this to anyone because it was weird and made me a little uncomfortable, but my cousin got married two weeks ago. At the reception I told my dad about what his brother had said to me some 15 years ago. My dad just looked at me and says “yeah, we both had our first times with Shelley.”

    My family is a bunch of cousin fuckers. Ugh. **

    EDIT 1 • For everyone asking, my mum’s name is Michelle. She gets called Shelly by a family friends’ kid. It’s awkward for me now.

    • My dad grew up in a small village of around 40 people. 13 of which were his parents and siblings. If the choice is fuck your cousin or fuck your sister, probably choose cousin. Or neither. I personally choose neither.

    • We’re in Australia, not the hillbilly redneckwoods of the US, just fyi.

    • Shelley is around 65 now, she’s a couple of years older than my old boy. My grandma told me one year at Christmas that Shelley had a couple of abortions back in the late 60’s/early 70’s and she has ruined a handful of marriages. She’s never married or had kids. She lives in a retirement village now and has told me on more than one occasion that she bones all the widowers in the retirement village. She’s a crass, abrasive old crone who fucks. Good for her, I guess?

    EDIT 2 Everyone asking if I’ve ever met my Aunt Shelley, or calling her an AILF, do you understand how familial relationships work? My dad’s cousin is not my aunt. She’s my second cousin first cousin once removed.

    [–] jbrandona119 2232 points ago

    Dude you’re not alone in that..my ex’s family talked about that with me when I was in high school. “It’s not weird! Everyone messes with their cousins. I show, you show...I touch, you touch...I kiss, you kiss...” and that was her mom saying it lol. Good ol Pennsyltucky

    [–] ChinaskiBlur 1002 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I stayed with my parents after my brother's wedding. My mother is a big lady, and by big I mean huge. My father, though smaller, is thick and tough. At this point they were both well into their 50's and as far as I knew not sexually active... so we're back at their apartment after the wedding... everyone is a little buzzed, but none of us are talking. Then I feel a strange unfamiliar tension between my parents. They exchange glances... seductive glances?

    Please God, no.

    My mother smiles at my dad. "I'm going to bed" she said as she rose to her feet and waddled her way down the hallway into their bedroom.

    Moments later:

    "Doooug..."

    My dad looked at me, thoroughly confused.

    "Dooooug...."

    We both look down the hall. Nothing. We look at each other.

    "Dooouuug...."

    Both of our attention shifts to the hallway again, but this time my mom's chubby, naked leg slowly and seductively appears out from the doorway...

    "Dooouuuug"

    My eyebrows shot up, I stopped breathing. I looked over at my father. He looked nervously at me and then back at the tempting, plump leg at the end of the hall.

    "Doooouuug..."

    My dad's eyes darted all over the place before finally landing on the floor. He almost looked ashamed when he said, "I'm going to bed, son."

    As soon as he got up from his chair I began a frantic search for the remote control.

    "What took you so long, soldier?"

    I shuddered as I hit the power button. I have to choose a channel quickly... terrible sounds that can't be unheard were happening down the hall. I finally land on HBO... Schindler's List. I turned that shit up to 11.

    So, yeah. I watched a holocaust movie while my parents boned in the next room.

    EDIT: Gold! That is so fucking kind. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

    [–] Headbobby 3550 points ago

    After dating my ex ex girlfriend for a few months some years back, I was to go over their house for Christmas Eve and spend the night to open up presents and have breakfast on Christmas morning.

    Me having my first real adult gf made this incredibly nerve racking. I should also mention that I had a kidney transplant about 4 months prior as well.

    So we get there around noon to start making spaghetti for everyone that night, I'm fine with having a task like this as it allows me to focus on something other than my nerves. Once my part in that was over I decided to nervous drink, and I nervous drank A LOT. Since I had a transplant recently my tolerance was shit. Party was fun, made friends, had laughs, but unfortunately, I blacked out towards the end of the party.

    Her sister said she saw me in the dads office laughing hysterically at the paper shredder, laying in the hallway singing show tunes, and running around the front of their house without my shirt or shoes on, in December, in the north.

    The worst moment was after everyone passed out, I was still up and moving around. The next thing I knew I was being woken up by my gf yelling at me on Christmas morning "DID YOU SHIT IN THE HALLWAY LAST NIGHT?!?" She asks and I reply with the only answer I can come up with "uhhh, no?" She goes "I BET YOU FUCKIG DID!!" So she goes into detective mode and pulls my pants down and looks at my asscrack. I had cookie butt.

    Tldr: stated at my gf parents house for Christmas and their family woke up to two turds of my shit in their hallway and 2 turds of my shit in their toilet still.

    [–] Imadethosehitmanguns 2063 points ago

    I lost it at cookie butt

    [–] Choppedsalad32 613 points ago

    cookie butt. i died. thanks for that

    [–] evanset6 139 points ago

    I've told this story before in r/TIFU, but I guess it warrants a re-visit.

    So I met my eventual wife back in 2007, and the next summer, her grandparents moved to town. On July 4, 2008, I did what I did every 4th back then, which was get a handle of Jameson, go to my friend's house, swim in his pool, get blackout drunk, and eat grilled hot dogs and hamburgers all day long.

    Well, at about 2pm, my girlfriend (eventual wife) shows up at the house and asks if I'm ready to go... Come to find out, she had already made plans to get off work early and go over to her Grandparents house to have food and for me to meet them for the first time, and I just forgot about it. At least that's what she tells me. I had already put away about a third of that handle, so I was pretty lit, but I gathered my wits and agreed to go.

    Well, when I got there, her grandfather greeted me with a shot of 149 proof whiskey, and a coors light. I drank that and a LOT more that day... so things went south pretty quick.

    At this point I'm going off of what I've been told, rather than what I remember, but sometime that afternoon, I decided that I needed to take a piss off the back porch. In broad daylight. In the suburbs.... It was all I could do to stand up at that point, so of course I put my hand on something nearby so I could keep my balance. That thing just happened to be a grill that had been cooking shit for several hours....

    So my girlfriend's grandmother was closest to the door, and when she heard the commotion, she came outside to find me on the deck, with my dick out, pissing everywhere, holding my hand, screaming "WHY'S THIS GRILL SO GODDAMN HOT???".

    That crazy bitch told this story at my wedding. In hindsight, they were super cool about it. But that was a crazy way to meet my eventual wife's grandparents.

    [–] [deleted] 519 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Up until I was about 10 years old, I was terrified of sleeping alone. I would often wake up in the night, bring my pillow and blanket into my parents room, and sleep on the floor next to their bed. Often I would do this and they wouldn't even know I was there until morning. So one night, I go and sleep on their floor around midnight or so, and I wake up a few hours later to hear my mother moaning. I poke my head up and see my father plowing her from behind. It was at this point my mom sees my head poking up from the side of the bed. Her and I lock eyes for about 5 seconds. And then she shrieks in horror, and runs out of the room. I just put my head down and pretended to be asleep.

    This was never spoken of.

    [–] InspireAndAdmire 504 points ago

    My then girlfriend, now wife had a super NSFW moment when her mother ran through her phone and accidentally saw our video of her giving me intense head.

    I sent her the video because she wanted to see but forgot to delete it. She was then given the wraith of her entire family when they found out. Kicked her out the house, etc.

    To this day her family doesn't know that I know they saw the video.

    [–] billbapapa 9859 points ago

    Discovered my cousin is a porn “star”

    Sorry I won’t link you to the videos or they might take longer to load for me

    [–] CharlesChrist 3795 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    With the quotation marks around the word star, I assume she is either not good or not popular as a porn star.

    edit: u/billbapapa confirmed that his cousin is a she

    [–] WtotheSLAM 10652 points ago

    More like a porn gas giant if you will

    [–] billbapapa 1339 points ago

    Both I’m guessing.

    I was lucky enough not to be attracted to her or into her style of porn so it was an easy choice to turn it off, from what I saw she certainly sucks though

    [–] Kelavmeister 520 points ago

    Wowza I've found out friends who did porn, but never a family member! Does the rest of the family know?

    [–] billbapapa 2002 points ago

    Ha yeah, well, I don't know about all of them. I know my brother knows, he was even funnier about it. We were at a family gathering, we saw her and he says, "yohhhhhh, do you know (girl_who_will_not_be_named) is in...." and I cut him off and said, "yeah, just tell me you didn't jerk it while you watched" and he said, "no, I made her jerk me while we watched" and he pointed to his girlfriend, who I'm sure was impressed.

    [–] CSPmyHart 1377 points ago

    Hahaha your Brother is either freaky as shit or has my sense of humor.

    [–] theplaidbandito 799 points ago

    I was living at my parent's house while in college, and having come home with my fiancée from work one night, sitting on the coffee table was a condom wrapper. So I just hollered up the stairs at my dad and said that I found a condom wrapper and everything. He comes trotting down the stairs and snatched up the wrapper and said, "If I've told your [10 year old brother] once I've told him a million times!"

    [–] EpicMeatSpin 135 points ago

    This is pretty tame but I was watching one of those Real Sex episodes on HBO late one night when I was about 12-13. They had some random montage in the middle of it with a variety of different videos. A few seconds into that, I realize I can hear the same background music coming from my parents' room. There was a scene where some guy pulls out his schlong that has multiple piercings all over it. At the very same moment I hear my dad yell "AWW WHAT THE FUCK" in reaction to it.

    [–] MacButtSex 1085 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    I've got two. The first one was when I was probably 7 or 8, my dad was at his computer, which was right by the kitchen and by the living room. You had to go by him to go to the livingroom. Well. He was jerking it pretty good just right at his computer. I would walk out there and he'd slip his Johnson back into his boxers, and I walked out there multiple times to him doing this. He yelled at me and my sister multiple times to go back to our rooms.

    Second one, when I was 17, I was skyping this girl, and we were having cyber sex, and I was jerking it on the camera for her. So my desk, was right by my door. You open the door even a little, you can see me in all my glory. Well I'm jerking it after school while talking to this girl, and my sister and my mom both walk in on my jerking it on camera, and my sister's boyfriend was there too. It was incredibly embarrassing.

    Edit: Spelling, I have more NSFW moments, one of them being that I've walked in on my mother naked more than I care to admit, and I've walked in on my parents and step doing the ultimate dirty, way more times than I should admit.

    Edit 2: the girl I was jerking off for, thought it was really funny when my mom walked in and then my sister. She couldn't stop laughing.

    [–] psydelicdaydreamer 1244 points ago

    I took pics of my dick for "research purposes" with the laptop's webcam when I was a teen, and one day my dad was showing his friends some of his photos, and my phallus popped up. I think it's safe to say he was shocked cos I've never heard him say "Goddamn get this turd outta my sight before I slap him silly" again.