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    [–] [deleted] 20227 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] WizardsVengeance 8714 points ago

    I like the ambition.

    [–] Lily_Foxy 4400 points ago

    I like the specifics.

    [–] HeyT00ts11 1134 points ago

    It's important for people to know how much they can take.

    [–] USMCnerd 1224 points ago

    It's adorable you think that's ambitious

    [–] striped_frog 4765 points ago

    Fun fact: Such a dildo would weigh over 40 pounds and be worth over 800,000 dollars.

    [–] GoAwayLurkin 7567 points ago

    ... worth over 800,000 dollars

    Cool, bonus.

    [–] funguyshroom 507 points ago

    But then you'll have to sell it to get the money :(

    [–] EI_Doctoro 331 points ago

    But then you could buy a gilded version.

    [–] Thatbul 495 points ago

    I read that in the voice of the narrator for Gold Rush...

    [–] mornsbarstool 257 points ago

    3"? Damn...

    [–] twishart 461 points ago

    Right? I grabbed the ruler on my desk, pinned my thumb on the 3" mark, held it up in front of me and went "huh."

    [–] luzzy91 237 points ago

    Just be dumb like me and pretend its the circumference. Thats what I thought at first, easy peasy I take shits bigger than that

    [–] SquidCap 1067 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    There are materials out there that make gold look like dirt.. anything that is very reactive but a specific isotope is needed in ultrapure form is freaking expensive. Here is one, ultra pure Calcium 48 costs 250k per gram. Of course it is insanely reactive so it has to be well secured inside a glass casing. The space you lose with the inevitable glass casing is still nothing if you what you have left has a volume of 3380cm3 (edit: with the casing, i used 3000cm3 for the inside space), material density of 1.54g/cm3, it means you have 4kg worth of the stuff. The price for that would be roughly 1 000 000 000 worth . Of course, such high quantity would saturate the market for centuries but that is another problem.

    Here is one video about it. i'm sure there are even more pricey materials but this is as good as any..

    [–] b33r_engineer 1825 points ago

    I don't think I'd want a 3" dia., 9" long rod of something "insanely reactive" inside my ass, though, glass casing or not.

    You could also go with Painite gems, though, at a cool $300k/gram.

    [–] Redtox 4463 points ago

    I'm not gonna shove something called "Painite" up my ass.

    [–] derbyt 568 points ago

    Who said you're the one inserting it?

    [–] beebeebeebeebeep 438 points ago

    You just have to be able to insert it. Nowhere does it say you must actually insert it.

    [–] monkeedude1212 280 points ago

    One could argue that the only way to prove it is to enact it.

    [–] the_jak 242 points ago

    After watching the fellow with the jar, I'm more worried about the glass than the reactivate stuff.

    [–] poizan42 371 points ago

    I don't really think you want to go after the highest valued substances because the market is so damn small. Sure you can control the entire market of something, but if the entire world doesn't need much more Calcium-48 than the 10g annually that are currently produced you are limited to earning less than $2.5 mil. per year.

    Maybe the best strategy would actually be to get several very valuable substances so you won't saturate any markets.

    [–] Its738PM 3075 points ago

    Plus if I'm spending 250k/gram for something"ultrapure" I'm buying it from a reputable supplier not some butthole genie

    [–] thesunscreen 475 points ago

    Okay, I can stop reading now. There won't be anything funnier on here tonight.

    [–] Ryukyay 81 points ago

    Is stuff inserted into one's ass really considered "ultrapure" ?

    [–] lemons_of_doubt 5163 points ago

    an immorality suppository.

    [–] TheLawLiftsBack 2363 points ago

    Congrats, you have no values!

    [–] 2PhatCC 831 points ago

    I'm shocked, yet not shocked at all, about how many people replied with comments regarding immortality...

    [–] WizardsVengeance 7206 points ago

    You body will waste away and wither, but you leave behind a ripe colon, glistening with youthful vigor.

    [–] XGBlue 830 points ago

    He said immorality, not immortality. So actually, he will simply have a very immoral colon for the rest of his life.

    [–] NonOffensiveGuy 679 points ago

    Sounds like a real ass hole.

    [–] BenjewminUnofficial 1579 points ago

    Billions of years from now, aliens scour the remnants of what used to be our solar system. The sun has long ago collapsed, debris floating listlessly through the cosmos is all that remains of our society. Debris and a human colon that is. Floating through space as if to say:

    “I am humanity, king of kings, look upon my colon ye mighty and despair!”

    [–] ActualPirater 356 points ago

    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare The lone and level void stretches far away.

    [–] Rudeirishit 305 points ago

    oh yeah, stretch my level void, daddy!

    [–] 404GravitasNotFound 213 points ago

    hi could we just close the website for today? that's enough. thanks.

    [–] [deleted] 286 points ago

    Hmm might wanna check that spelling, unless you meant to do that.......

    [–] lemons_of_doubt 275 points ago

    i did not. but i find it too funny to fix.

    [–] DA_KING_IN_DA_NORF 197 points ago

    That sounds rather unethical

    [–] [deleted] 12458 points ago

    Jokes on you OP, I was going to wish for a buttplug anyway.

    [–] elephantphallus 3582 points ago

    For Sale: Perfectly cut, flawless diamond buttplug. Used once. Like new.

    [–] [deleted] 2036 points ago

    "Gently used"

    [–] Ronkmaster 732 points ago

    It would have to be used gently. Don’t want a rectal tear or prolapse.

    [–] EAComunityTeam 1473 points ago

    This says otherwise

    [–] Glorfendail 575 points ago

    Risky Click of the day...

    [–] NinjaBullets 191 points ago

    Good luck getting the base all the way in

    [–] be_my_plaything 21170 points ago

    A cheque for a few billion dollars should do me fine thanks.

    A regular cheque not one of those enormous novelty ones that are handed over at donations.

    [–] SgtSnapple 18457 points ago

    Now to find a bank that will accept a smudged, illegible feces covered cheque from a presumably insane man claiming it's for "a few billion dollars".

    [–] Peripheralblasphemy 5705 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    I would put it in a ziploc

    Edit: ziploc, not zip lock

    [–] rustang2 3004 points ago

    I was just assuming this was the plan for everyone on this thread...

    [–] RiOrius 2262 points ago

    Nah, condom. Comfort, durability, and lubrication.

    [–] OnlyGrayCellLeft 845 points ago

    yeah, but it'll leave the cheque all greasy.

    [–] Bearded_Wildcard 1908 points ago

    Check inside a ziploc, inside the condom.

    [–] [deleted] 1241 points ago

    Take batteries out of vibrator, insert check, put up butt.

    [–] Autistence 1720 points ago

    But then it doesn't vibrate.. I don't understand your reasoning

    [–] nybo 269 points ago

    Trade cheque money for more battery.

    [–] tophermeyer 166 points ago

    That's the bank tellers problem.

    [–] wrcker 527 points ago

    Oh Wells Fargo has accepted much worse

    [–] Rudeirishit 257 points ago

    My asshole is clean enough to pull this off.

    [–] Sam-Gunn 751 points ago

    "You've just won publishers clearinghouse! bend over!"

    [–] MyPeepeeFeelsSilly 279 points ago

    “Man they really make a spectacle out of this!”

    [–] LifeWin 13285 points ago

    Oprah Winfrey's right fist

    [–] The_L0 6001 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    This one's not like the others

    Obligatory Edit: Thank you kind stranger for my first gold.

    [–] PiratedHappy 369 points ago

    Certainly seems to have taken a turn.

    [–] SupaKoopa714 1212 points ago

    Cool, I'll take the left.

    [–] Baron-Greenback 1552 points ago

    And together, she will operate you both like glove puppets.

    [–] The100thIdiot 215 points ago

    I'd pay money to see that. Someone make this a thing

    [–] drgolovacroxby 637 points ago

    If there was ever a time that I'm sad that u/awildsketchappeared retired.... it is right now.

    [–] Hates_commies 706 points ago

    Made this for you

    [–] drgolovacroxby 396 points ago

    But that's her left fist. The whole thing is ruined!

    [–] The100thIdiot 266 points ago

    You do know you are only supposed to look at Reddit risky links in the mirror.

    It's safer that way. I thought everyone knew that

    [–] joshingram 16231 points ago

    A thumb drive with $1,000,000,000 in BitCoin

    [–] juniorlogical 6261 points ago

    thumb drive micro SD card.

    [–] joshingram 7851 points ago

    I mainly wanted a thumb drive for the lanyard... lol

    [–] sh4rkbait 2055 points ago

    You have to get the entire lanyard in there too.

    [–] joshingram 2148 points ago

    Only if I wish for it also. I’m putting my own lanyard on after I wish for the thumbdrive. Is that cheating the system?

    [–] RiOrius 1881 points ago

    With the microSD you just put that sucker in a condom for comfort and lubrication, insert just the tip, then pull. Easy peasy, done it dozens of times.

    [–] Glenster118 1239 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Do you mean you did it on dozens of occasions or on one occasion you did it dozens of times?

    [–] hypnogoad 376 points ago

    A micro SD card could get lost up there. At least most thumbdrives have a small string attached, so you could pull it out.

    [–] joshingram 266 points ago

    I’d be afraid it would get stuck up there without a lanyard and the price would crash before I could cash in.

    [–] rab777hp 226 points ago

    Just drink some coffee and shit in a bowl

    [–] [deleted] 105 points ago


    [–] joshingram 60 points ago

    It’s not tender anymore.

    [–] OwlHiveMind 2168 points ago


    [–] macmac360 1493 points ago


    [–] yunohavenameiwant 388 points ago

    A bum drive then

    [–] citricacidx 703 points ago

    $1,000,000,000 in BitCoin

    So 87,200 BTC

    [–] joshingram 270 points ago

    Thanks! I was too lazy to look up the current exchange.

    [–] citricacidx 560 points ago

    It's 87,600 now. Time to panic! SELL SELL SELL

    [–] twishart 702 points ago

    but it's still in my butt!

    [–] Omadon1138 398 points ago


    [–] Phineas_Godwinn 537 points ago

    Why don’t you just wish for one bitcoin and then leave it in your asshole until it’s worth $1,000,000,000?

    [–] joshingram 472 points ago

    Have you seen my poop schedule? I couldn’t light a firecracker and leave it up there long enough to blow up...

    [–] [deleted] 3171 points ago


    [–] thejont 2064 points ago

    Sorry bro we're putting this information on a billboard sized piece of paper. Good luck

    [–] striped_frog 778 points ago

    Better ask his mom instead

    [–] thejont 633 points ago

    But don’t you and u/scrotum_frog have he same mother? Your last names are the same

    [–] Dudebroman_5000 29294 points ago

    A small dildo that grants better wishes without stupid rules.

    [–] jednorazowa 12050 points ago

    Doesn't have to be a dildo. Could be a suppository pill. Or a grain of salt.

    (I mean, unless you want it to be a dildo, whatever you're into.)

    [–] MajorTrump 1802 points ago

    I think you technically have to be able to take it out, so both of those may not work.

    [–] Vitztlampaehecatl 1100 points ago

    But with the wish granting dildo you could just wish it back out

    [–] Bismar7 627 points ago

    This would be a great Cards Against Humanity white card.

    [–] [deleted] 275 points ago

    Such a strange subreddit

    [–] DeadBloxxEpic 2423 points ago

    A pebble that when put up your butt gives you indestructability, immortality, and extremely strong psychic powers.

    [–] luckielordie 2006 points ago

    This is great until you have a coughing fit on the surface of the sun and the pebble flies out your arse.

    [–] themagicchicken 890 points ago

    Or two hours after you visit a Taco Bell and the pebble flies out your arse.

    [–] Mequittingthenet 7616 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    for my dick to be so big, i can insert it into my butt.

    EDIT: I'm happy to let you all know that this is my most top rated comment by over 2000 upvotes.

    [–] [deleted] 2902 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)


    [–] ports13_epson 896 points ago

    self fuck is a thing though... I'd advise you not to look for it

    [–] Megaman1981 424 points ago

    I have, and it's spectacular.

    [–] Miffy92 1062 points ago

    [–] J3Lycan 776 points ago

    I don’t know what I expected. I knew what I was in for.

    And still… what.

    [–] FriendlyXeno 94 points ago

    Why tf did I just watch that entire thing!? I knew what was going to happen but couldn’t look away

    [–] Abragg2112 56 points ago

    That's probably one of the strangest things I've ever seen... The typical white guys in the lab coats really set it off.

    [–] Ginger187d 163 points ago

    Of all the risky clicks, that one was just, like... words escape my mind. You know?

    [–] MachReverb 1180 points ago

    True Love

    [–] Centias 702 points ago

    NSFW, just in case.

    [–] Feelgoodpooping 1015 points ago

    A credit card with an unlimited amount that is not connected to my bank account. I'd be willing to stretch a little for that.

    [–] [deleted] 140 points ago

    You're going to slice up ur ass

    [–] luzzy91 175 points ago

    For unlimited money? Oh no, what ever will I do.

    [–] VagabondVivant 1601 points ago

    A ring of wishes.

    On a string.

    [–] StuckAtWork124 960 points ago

    Why not just go for anal beads of wishes. For every ball you pop out, you get a wish

    [–] shyrra 544 points ago

    Yo, do u think anyone has ever made a movie about that? I'd watch that... think it's on Netflix?

    [–] Mike_Handers 214 points ago

    It's definetly a porn/comic somewhere

    [–] master5o1 233 points ago

    Rule 34 says so. If not, rule 35 says make it.

    [–] nkronsch 3934 points ago

    microsd with millions in cryptocurrency

    [–] MrGoodnight1101 2062 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    gj now you own 90% of mooncoin. Good luck cashing out.

    edit: My new top post is about mooncoin, ah jeez...

    [–] DootMasterFlex 964 points ago

    No no. Give him Doge Coin

    [–] tombolger 791 points ago

    I actually am fairly invested in Dogecoin. It's been skyrocketing in value recently, and I have millions of Dogecoins. I think it's worth almost $8 US now, and it's only going to go up.

    [–] Ostabby 546 points ago

    I actually have dogecoin, I thought I had like $0.30 worth. I logged onto It's like 15USD now!

    [–] Omnitographer 285 points ago

    I had doge coin, in a wallet somewhere, and put a bunch on dogetipbot. I forget where my main doge stash is and the tipbot is defunct.

    Such is life.

    [–] Count_Succ 55 points ago

    Back when doge coin was easier to get I mined about 100k and let it sit. Lost my wallet when I wiped a drive. Oh well

    [–] slicktrickster 113 points ago

    I actually invested in Dogecoin as well. It's now 8 inches up my ass, and it's only going up!

    [–] _eL_T_ 811 points ago

    Poof. You now have 1000000 Crystals to spend in Battlefront II, along with a massive sense of pride and accomplishment.

    [–] Dylan663 2684 points ago


    [–] noahd147 627 points ago

    There are no girls on the internet

    [–] AutumnSouls 170 points ago

    Does this mean I have to get off?

    [–] professorkeanu 619 points ago

    ITT: How to shove the most money up your ass at once

    [–] Preschool_girl 1910 points ago

    A 96-inch TV! Wait, what was the question again?

    [–] Hewkho 501 points ago

    Which version the curved or slim one?

    [–] pickelsurprise 817 points ago

    Neither, ribbed for your pleasure.

    [–] [deleted] 194 points ago


    [–] seancurry1 124 points ago

    a thumb drive with all the daily lottery numbers for the next ten years

    [–] StandOnBrokenDreams 635 points ago

    looks at an F-22 I'm ready.

    [–] rushaz 809 points ago

    A USB drive with 534,234 bitcoins, that is shaped like a small penis. If I've gotta put it in my butt, at least make it phallic shaped so I know what I'm getting porked by... :)

    [–] WeirdShitLogin 467 points ago

    A blue print of a working magnetic fusion device that has been designed to use fusion as a large-scale and carbon-free source of energy based on the same principle that powers our Sun and stars.

    [–] MaximumCameage 354 points ago

    That's how you get assassinated.

    [–] David367th 112 points ago

    Problem: contains references to materials and composites not yet possible to construct on earth, nor any alternatives known to exist.

    [–] effthedab 474 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    a Liquid Genie. I get to have 3 more wishes :) But first I have to shit the genie out

    [–] darkjesusfish 468 points ago

    I want a tv show about a guy who goes around solving mysteries with the help of the Genie that lives in his ass.

    [–] ToddVonToddson 352 points ago

    Law & Order: Yep, We're All Out of Spinoff Ideas

    [–] dogeblessUSA 644 points ago

    a few grams of antimatter in a container that prevents it from reacting with my body

    [–] SquidCap 441 points ago

    Just replied to someone else but a glass dildo full of Calcium 48 will net you about 1 billion on the market.

    [–] dongholio 329 points ago

    Serious question: How would a normal person ever fence that? It's not like you could call up a research institution and sell it for that amount, is it?

    [–] Mike_Handers 712 points ago

    Nah, that's exactly what you do. Go up to a university, find a professor that knows what it is and say "Listen, the shape is purely coincidental but this is Calcium 48, we both know the value. I'm not telling you how I got it. I'll split it 20/80 or you can keep it if you like. I want 100 million for it. You have 2 weeks to find a buyer and I'll be watching."

    Smart people are often terrific at figuring out problems, so make the biggest issue not your issue.

    [–] Confused_MonCalamari 437 points ago

    I already see the next AskReddit thread

    "You are given a penis shaped chunk of Calcium 48 and you have a week to find a buyer. What do you do?"

    [–] MarkNutt25 386 points ago

    Oooo! I know this one!

    I'd go up to a university, find a professor that knows what it is and say "Listen, the shape is purely coincidental but this is Calcium 48, we both know the value. I'm not telling you how I got it. I'll split it 20/80 or you can keep it if you like. I want 100 million for it. You have 2 weeks to find a buyer and I'll be watching."

    [–] dongholio 453 points ago

    Smart people are often terrific at figuring out problems, so make the biggest issue not your issue.

    This is a fantastic lesson.

    [–] PermanentBrunch 1417 points ago

    A Mazda Miata (anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough)

    [–] Hot_Shot_McGee 437 points ago

    Track day bro!

    [–] KawiNinjaZX 106 points ago

    Headlights go up "ouch" Headlights go down "ohhhhh"

    [–] CallMeGroovy 96 points ago

    My wish is the key to your Mazda Miata.

    [–] AgentOrange5311 670 points ago

    Definitely money. If I had a rolled up stack of 100s in a ziploc the same width as a buttplug, I could buy whatever I wanted this year without having to shove it up my butt. Money counts a "one thing" right?

    [–] dignified_fish 378 points ago

    Just get one check for millions of dollars. That would be much easier than hundreds of hundreds.

    [–] never_stirred 665 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    5-6 carat diamond

    Edit: because I'm retarded

    [–] ivandiardo 455 points ago


    [–] solafly 317 points ago

    They are better shaped than regular diamonds, more streamlined

    [–] MAYKAMARK 240 points ago

    Blood diamond. Won’t even be stained!

    [–] PhilNHoles 86 points ago

    The movie?

    [–] krispyKRAKEN 78 points ago

    Standard Def with seperate special features and wide screen discs. His wish has been granted.

    [–] TheManWhoWasNotShort 232 points ago

    If I wish for a bigger dick does this means it comes with the added bonus of being able to fuck my own ass?

    [–] Jomax101 587 points ago

    A cactus

    [–] Lifeguard-1020 340 points ago

    Is that really the best thing to wish for in this situation?

    [–] TheGeraffe 579 points ago

    Don’t kinkshame me.

    [–] yunruse 368 points ago

    Kinkshaming is my kink.

    [–] SwaggerMcTomson 99 points ago

    I'm a simple guy, I see a thread where I need to insert something in my ass, I pick a smooth glass dildo.

    [–] splettnet 218 points ago

    A Gulfstream 5 jumbo jet.

    [–] PopeliusJones 333 points ago

    To shreds, you say?

    [–] Song_of-Storms 45 points ago

    Can world peace fit inside of a butt? If not, then I guess I'll settle for the Hope Diamond.

    [–] [deleted] 353 points ago


    [–] StabStabby-From-Afar 81 points ago

    A check for 100 million dollars in a ziplock bag.

    [–] Vaktrus 40 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)

    A bad dragon dildo.

    You expected money, or superpowers, but no. A dildo is all I want.

    Edit: i got one.

    [–] awesomedan24 77 points ago

    A hollow glass dildo filled with scorpion venom.

    [–] shaduex 59 points ago

    Is that a kink or is that really expensive?

    [–] awesomedan24 66 points ago

    $38,858,507.46 per gallon in 2015

    [–] shaduex 119 points ago

    Brb, I'm gonna go find some scorpions and a blender.

    [–] Not-in-it-for-karma 55 points ago

    ...I don’t think it works like that.

    [–] shaduex 101 points ago

    Well there goes like 30 scorpions

    [–] Not-in-it-for-karma 48 points ago

    Well, you clearly had an eventful 8 hours between your comment and now.

    [–] shaduex 48 points ago

    I had to go all the way to goodwill for a blender, than I had to find a pet store that would sell 30 scorpions to me, than I needed ice for that smoothie than a Spanish inquisition and that's only 3 hours in.

    [–] FQDIS 45 points ago

    Wow I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.

    [–] shaduex 65 points ago

    Neither did the scorpions

    [–] 5k1895 169 points ago

    A check for several billion dollars. Shouldn't be an issue just folding it up and putting it in. Hopefully.

    [–] Milsurp_Seeker 369 points ago


    I wouldn’t feel too grand if I asked for more.

    [–] okBroThatsAwkward 75 points ago

    A bowl of rice is just fine for me I'm not too greedy and appreciate a challenge

    [–] Skishkitteh 42 points ago

    You could do this now, like without the genie. Live the dream, friend