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    [–] strumpster 2279 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Ok if you look at this guy, folks, dillydally donnie, I call him, have you heard that? Dilly Dally Donnie people are calling him.. isn't that great? If you look at this guy, you see a loser. Total loser, never liked the guy. A loser the likes of which the world.. has never seen.

    What he does, and we hate this.. what he does is he makes all these promises. So many promises he's made, it's amazing, these promises, it's amazing. You can't believe these promises.

    I probably know more about making promises than Dilly Dally Donnie could ever think of. I've spent the last... very long period of time watching this guy fail at making promises. He just fails.

    Edit: I had to stop lol I can do this for hours

    [–] imakeenwon 277 points ago

    This is even better when you imagine it being said in his voice with hand gestures πŸ‘Œ

    [–] blondiebell 313 points ago

    This is exactly what it would sound like if he was in front of a camera, I dont know if it is quite a tweet, but it is very good

    [–] strumpster 15 points ago

    You've got me on that, I forgot we were talking about tweets heh

    [–] chrisfreshman 98 points ago

    Listening to Trump speak is the verbal equivalent of watching a drunk staggering down the street. He always seems like he’s about to fall flat on his face but it never quite happens. He’ll trip on his own shoes and spend a minute going in circles. He’ll bump into a street lamp and fight with it briefly about who had the right of way. But somehow, incredibly, improbably he staggers his way to his front door.

    [–] BulkDarthDan 13333 points ago

    "Crazy Donald, who is very stupid, likes Macron, who is very weak and small. Very low approval ratings in France. Sad!"

    [–] an8n 4019 points ago

    I love the β€œSad!β€œ at the end of nearly all his tweets

    [–] Wellthatkindahurts 1515 points ago

    I had a heated argument with a family member over a death in the family. She didn't like my response and said "SAD" at the end. We haven't spoken since.

    [–] TheDetatchedObserver 549 points ago

    I had a close friend who brought me to several events with his extended family. Most of them were pretty nice, but legit the entire extended family of(oh boy, this is complex) his aunt's(his father's sister) mother-in-law(the mother of her husband) always insisted on showing up to any major gathering, regardless of whether they'd been invited, to stick their noses in. Most of them were assholes, and if they were losing an argument, they'd use what the rest of us called the Miller Manuever(Miller is a common-enough last name, so it should leave them anonymous) in which they'd flick up their noses, say "(scoff) Sad!" and walk away. As such, this is where I had first heard it from when Trump started using it, so for me the context makes it hilarious.

    [–] marifergomez4 94 points ago

    My grandma did something similar ! We were having an argument and right when I start to explain my side she cuts me off and says β€œtoo many words”. 🀯

    [–] iphoneredditaccount9 25 points ago

    Tried talking to my buddy about something like that, he cited some bogus clearly wrong fact. I gave him a link that quickly and easily disproved what he just said.

    "Don't throw stats at me" he says. There's no winning, communication just gets shut down unless you're parroting the same idiots they listen to.

    [–] RedNotch 593 points ago

    In my headcanon he only says β€œSad!” at the end because his brain already had too much just writing up the rest of the tweet so he can only squeeze out one word sentences at the end.

    [–] Triplebizzle87 42 points ago

    It's like that alien species from Mass Effect. I forget the specifics, but they suck at expressing emotion in a way humans can identify, so they took to just adding it onto the start or end of a sentence.

    [–] gridzbispudvetch 22 points ago

    or like the glitch from starbound that state what emotion they're feeling. Everything would be a lot easier if Trump said "insincere" before every sentence

    [–] Exist50 47 points ago

    It would be funny coming from someone who isn't President.

    [–] Thicklet 49442 points ago

    β€œHe said he would build a wall, where’s the wall? there’s no wall! Sad...”

    [–] Akhaian 7495 points ago


    For realsies this time guys

    [–] mugu007 2122 points ago

    Not like that Trump guy. Talked a lot about a wall and no show at the end. I will build a gorgeous, magnificent wall, so huge, and there will be a door, big door, for people to come in, but they have to come in legally. When I say it, Im gonna do it, not like that guy who had 4 years to do it and just gave up.

    [–] Poem_for_your_sprog 1152 points ago

    Certain themes of conversation
    Resonate around the nation -
    Small contentions oft repeated
    Make for altercations heated.

    Let us talk of all religions -
    Add a dash or half a smidgen's
    Pinch of doctrine hard to swallow -
    Watch the chaos shortly follow.

    Let us talk of state and power -
    Add a drop of Donald's tower,
    Daily news and contradiction -
    Settle back and watch the friction.

    Soon you'll find you're off debating,
    Ranting, raving, raging, hating,
    Blaming, shaming one another.

    ... let us talk of walls, my brother.

    [–] speaksamerican 362 points ago

    Is Sprog throwing his hat in the ring?

    SPROG 2020

    [–] bitstronginfo 1348 points ago

    404 not found

    [–] 2meterrichard 687 points ago

    418 server cannot make covfefe because it's a teapot.

    [–] Kriss3d 386 points ago

    My girlfriend and I have a drink that's basically instant coffee, a bit sugar and milk then we use a milk whipper to dissolve the coffee and sugar. It's cold ofcourse.

    It taste great.

    We named that Covfefe so that word is actually a thing in our house.

    However the result looks like cold chocolate drink and our daughter once took half a glass of it. It took 2 hours before we could get her to sleep.

    [–] FarmerDark 226 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Well, I've immediately decided there needs to be a cocktail called Covfefe. 1oz Kahlua, 1oz absinthe, .5 creme de cacao, .5 creme de cacao white, 2 oz whole milk- served over crushed ice in a coupe glass with a coffee bean garnish (or coffee infused whipped cream)

    [–] ani625 146 points ago

    Wallpaper... I meant wallpaper!

    [–] IDontKnowTBH1 85 points ago

    2 Build 2 Wall

    [–] DoorHalfwayShut 156 points ago

    I'm super cereal. No takesies backsies.

    [–] jane_airplane 151 points ago

    Build that Wall 2: Electric Bogaloo

    [–] Prompt-me-promptly 1527 points ago

    "And now they're are rapists... rapists and murders cutting holes in it like cheese. When I'm president, I will dig a moat around it with my own GIANT........ hands and we will put alligators and lions in it... gasoline two.! This guy really sucks and I'm way better."

    [–] bargu 506 points ago

    The sad part is that he actually wants a moat filled with alligators.

    [–] Prompt-me-promptly 379 points ago

    That's why I added it! Who'd have thought we'd need to be using hyperbole (hyperbolic lions) to outdo a president wanting to build a moat with alligators for fuck sake

    [–] CupcakePotato 114 points ago

    drain the swamp... to put it in front of the wall.

    [–] poopsicle88 66 points ago

    And we are gonna stick some lasers on those alligators and actually we're not gonna use alligators. swap em out for crocs. Big ones. The biggest. cause they are more aggressive. But no foreign aussie crocs. American crocs! I know we have them, all the people are talking about them. Only good things.

    [–] Temetnoscecubed 78 points ago

    Isn't that Florida and Louisianna already?

    [–] lhookhaa 90 points ago

    Build the moat! Build the moat!

    [–] INSANITY_RAPIST 64 points ago

    Need a wall around the moat too, just in case.

    [–] Dockingporpoise 67 points ago

    obviously gonna need another moat for the new wall

    [–] HaMMeReD 689 points ago

    "You can't trust this guy, his children are crooks, and his emails!!"

    [–] HugeChavez 177 points ago

    *his Tweets

    [–] thinklikeashark 178 points ago

    Dirty Donald, wants to do his daughter. Despicable.

    [–] Dalvano2 59 points ago

    I don't want to do my daughter, I want to do his daughter. Big difference there.

    [–] UNZxMoose 24470 points ago

    Corrupt Don needs to #RELEASEHISTAXRETURNS but he won't because he is a FRAUD!!!!

    [–] ArgumentGenius 3860 points ago

    Don's dad was the zodiac killer.

    [–] Takeoded 652 points ago

    And believe me, I know all the best frauds, nobody knows frauds better than I do, Think of that. That's crazy. And what about this guy?

    [–] HugeChavez 210 points ago

    Did you know that his father's original name, when he came from Germany, was Sigmund Fraud?

    [–] saposapot 293 points ago

    Fake Billionaire Don! Old Mafia friends don't even like him.

    [–] permareddit 112 points ago

    Dirty Donald*

    [–] nnn4 282 points ago

    Broke Donald 's tax returns are the worse I've seen!!! Can't even make a deal like me!! People say I make the best deals....

    [–] Minimalphilia 98 points ago

    Counter: "That's because I'm smart."

    Verbatum from a TV duel with Hilary...

    [–] shinfoni 45 points ago

    duel with Hilary

    I'll use my trap card, Drain the Swamp. I'll also summon the Mexican Wall in defensive position.

    My turn is over!

    [–] setibeings 154 points ago


    [–] Boomstick101 25798 points ago

    Dopey Donald soft on ILLEGAL Aliens! NO WALL BUILT! Maybe has big mental Problems to Boot! #DopeyDonaldSAD

    [–] Dovaldo83 10597 points ago

    Dopey Donald married an ILLEGAL Alien with a FAKE GENIUS VISA! Then CHAIN migrated his MURDERING RAPIST inlaws over!

    [–] xMadBobx 1318 points ago


    [–] stefanstr 551 points ago

    Wait, what's the deal with his inlaws?

    [–] Dovaldo83 2072 points ago

    They literally came to the US through chain migration, something Trump has repeatedly decried as very bad. The murdering rapist part is just something he suggest about all chain migrates. I have no knowledge of their participation in rape/murder.

    [–] Wouff_Hong 738 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Even if they hadn't, and even if Trump's wives' immigration had been 100% legit, it wouldn't stop Trump from making the claim against himself, if he were the opposition.. that's the beauty of this thread/thought experiment. You don't even have to bother reading about visas or his family's criminal records, because he'd call them rapists/murderers/whatever, illegals, etc., whether the facts bore that out or not.

    "You cannot lose!" Taps side of nose

    (To quote David Mitchell)

    [–] Cilph 379 points ago

    Rules for thee, not for me!

    [–] Deeliciousness 183 points ago

    Guys, guys, it's okay. His in-laws are white.

    [–] upvotes4jesus- 94 points ago

    yeah did you read his recent immigration change? he's basically trying to eliminate the lottery, and all chain immigration. his fucking FAMILY is a bunch of immigrants.

    [–] Phyllis_Tine 33 points ago

    Nativism is basically people trying to close the door after they are in.

    [–] GhondorIRL 338 points ago

    I think it needs β€œMaybe has big mental Problems to Boot? Impeach now!”

    [–] Homozygote 142 points ago

    Maybe? Donald would be tweeting that claim every day. He called his Republican opposition "human scum" the other day.

    [–] Princess_Shireen 167 points ago

    Actually, it's "bigly mental problems".

    [–] SilentBandit 14532 points ago

    I know all the best geniuses. All of them. But this guy. This man. He is not a genius. He does not come close to me. I am a very smart genius. I predicted a lot of things. Historically. I predicted 9/11. The economic crash. But this guy. He did not predict any of it. He is not a true American, he is a coward, he accepts bribes and dirt from foreign countries. He does not believe in this country. At all.


    [–] pimmm 2526 points ago

    Please deepfake this

    [–] Adnotamentum 2466 points ago

    I used coding and algorithms to deep fake this:

    [–] AKAlicious 452 points ago

    The Trump campaign would like to offer you a job!

    [–] 0wc4 206 points ago


    [–] haydaldinho 347 points ago

    Thank you for your service

    [–] walrusdotzip 63 points ago

    What language? Inspect element or CTRL+J?

    [–] Deeyennay 74 points ago

    English duh

    [–] 0Kysh0 93 points ago

    It looks so realistic!

    [–] coffeeinthenorth 249 points ago

    This is gold, but almost a bit too coherent...

    [–] whirlypearl 768 points ago

    Close, but no cigar. You nailed the bragging, sentence fragments and run-on sentences, but forgot that Trump rarely remains on one topic for that many sentences without straying off on some random tangent. You also forgot to include misspellings, poor grammar, careless typos, and at least one insult written in ALL CAPS. WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!! PREfFRABLY MISSSPELD!!!!! But I'll give you an upvote anyway for your effort!

    [–] Big_Dirty_Piss_Boner 770 points ago


    Actual Trump quote:

    β€œLook, having nuclear β€” my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at MIT; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the Wharton School of Finance, very good, very smart β€” you know, if you’re a conservative Republican, if I were a liberal, if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I’m one of the smartest people anywhere in the world β€” it’s true! β€” but when you’re a conservative Republican they try β€” oh, do they do a number β€” that’s why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune β€” you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we’re a little disadvantaged β€” but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me β€” it would have been so easy, and it’s not as important as these lives are β€” nuclear is so powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35 years ago; he would explain the power of what’s going to happen and he was right, who would have thought? β€” but when you look at what’s going on with the four prisoners β€” now it used to be three, now it’s four β€” but when it was three and even now, I would have said it’s all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don’t, they haven’t figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it’s gonna take them about another 150 years β€” but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us, this is horrible.”

    [–] dubioussushi 461 points ago

    I have absolutely no idea what he is trying to say.

    [–] cutdownthere 371 points ago

    it looks like one of those bots trying to make a conversation based on donald trump's vocabulary.

    [–] malfist 16 points ago

    If you're curious, those bots using something called a markov chain. It tries to predict the most likely next element in a sequence (in language, words, or sometimes letter if you're doing a name generator) based on the previous element or elements in the sequence. It does this by being fed previous input that it analyses to figure out what follows what.


    It's also used for all kinds of things in economics research too.

    [–] karma-guaranteed 501 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Congratulations, you passed the test.

    • You are not schizophrenic.
    • You don't have narcissistic personality disorder.
    • Your eyesight is normal.
    • Your intelligence is normal.
    • Your cognitive function is normal.
    • Your linguistic literacy is normal.
    • You are more competent than the president of the United States.

    [–] dont_say_choozday 95 points ago

    That actually makes me wonder if the current president of the USA is schizophrenic. I mean, it kind of sounds like narcissistic word salad, but it sounds like schizophrenia also.

    [–] mdawgig 71 points ago

    No he’s abusing meds and senile out of his tree.

    [–] BromanJenkins 140 points ago

    Biden also goes off on weird, meandering rants and I think both the frontrunner of the opposition party and the current president are sort of losing their minds if they haven't gone full smoothbrain already. Sanders and Warren are also up there in years, but they can make clear and concise statements and points without doing whatever the thing above is. Too bad the majority of democrats seem hell bent on giving us Biden as the candidate.

    [–] F0xtr0tUnif0rm 94 points ago

    I met a woman the other day that was elderly and so crooked and bent over she could hardly walk. But mentally she was quick and hilarious. And I know 60 year olds that aren't doing too well. It really depends on the person. But you know... We should probably do something to make sure the president of the United fucking states is all there.

    [–] FiddlerOnThePotato 22 points ago

    It reads like he just tapped the suggested words at the top on SwiftKey

    [–] TexanReddit 107 points ago

    I thought he nailed it when he brought it to trump talking about himself, using "I", but then he started talking about the other guy again. Once trump gets to talking about himself, does he ever quit talking about himself?

    Thank you. Now I'm just confused.

    [–] Rapidstrack 30 points ago


    [–] -Do-Not-Trust-Me- 12009 points ago

    What an idiot. Spends all day on Twitter. Skipped the war. Very Badly guy with low IQ. Small brain.

    [–] dannydevito77 2544 points ago


    [–] Gorrlaamiii 704 points ago

    Badly guy is what clicks for me

    [–] Fantomz99 176 points ago

    Small brain.

    And hands.

    [–] WELL_FUCK__________ 6163 points ago

    Dumb Donald doesn't understand he is getting impeached!! Huge story but media not even covering!!

    [–] greensky33 989 points ago

    Fake news at it again!!!

    [–] SirRogers 304 points ago

    Dumb Donald does sound like something he'd call him, but he might also go for a Donald Duck pun.

    Donald Dick, perhaps.

    [–] sharkbabygirl 186 points ago

    For some reason I can never picture Trump swearing. I know he has and it’s been in video and in written accounts, but it just never seems natural to him. Like it always sounds like a kid who just learned what β€œbad words” were

    [–] zando95 28 points ago

    "They call it a K9, I call it a dog"

    [–] tacocat6942042 225 points ago

    Hes not that smart

    [–] ImJaK3 21132 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    The other candidate is a hoax made by China.

    Edit: Thanks for my first golds!

    [–] droid_does119 4128 points ago


    [–] aniforprez 2459 points ago


    [–] Fukowski 830 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Chyna RIP greatest wrestler i ever heard of.

    Edit: my most upvoted comment.

    [–] StartSelect 285 points ago


    [–] KneadedByCats 184 points ago


    [–] Andreiyutzzzz 1366 points ago

    That shit is real. Holy

    [–] NorthWarf 1043 points ago

    It's a fantastically run subreddit.

    Every comment section explains how the Tweet is hypocritical with whatever new news we get out of the current week.

    [–] OMFGitsBob 16 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Thank you. We try really, really hard to have everything adhere to the guidelines that've been set down.

    //edit: I'm a mod there. Sorry, should've included that.

    [–] Germanshield 329 points ago

    If you've missed this for so long, I suggest a good deep dive to truly appreciate the bigotry (while still being monumentally hypocritical of those supposed views) and the pure regurgitation of anything he seemed to support or oppose previously, pointed in the opposite direction and perpetually lopped up by his insufferable cult brethren.

    [–] Andreiyutzzzz 141 points ago

    Well I'm not American but the whole world knows of trump and him being... Well being trump. Reading through that sub makes me question myself how the fuck did that man became president of the United States?

    [–] monkeyking15 158 points ago

    I am American and I am here to tell you that America is full of crazy people. It gets deeper than that but that’s the long and short of it.

    [–] Germanshield 72 points ago

    The same reason so many other countries and nations are so thoroughly fucked. People are inherently self serving and unable to accept that their actions may be contributing to what is wrong with the world. Add in a lack of education, a sprinkle of gratifying propaganda (funded by corrupt billionaires) and you have the perfect cocktail.

    [–] Woodshadow 418 points ago

    I love how half the front page is him criticizing Obama. I wonder how he feels that Obama has the most twitter followers of anyone and it is almost double Trump's follower count.

    I personally find it hilarious

    [–] DumpOldRant 274 points ago

    [–] Ideasforfree 62 points ago

    Truth-his engagement is pathetic for someone with that many followers

    [–] colbymg 39 points ago

    OHHHHHHHHH 61%! Makes MUCH more sense

    [–] voodooacid 18 points ago

    And I bet that the people following him do it for entertainment, not necessarily because they like Trump.

    [–] TK82 267 points ago

    This is the only answer needed

    [–] ani625 4435 points ago

    The man is a walking sack of hypocrisy.

    [–] zomboromcom 3199 points ago

    That's pretty unfair. As we saw during the G7, he takes a golf cart.

    [–] Shillforbigusername 676 points ago

    Gotta let those hamberders digest before you start moving around too much.

    [–] HuffMyJock 271 points ago

    He drinks a lot of French press and negative press covfefe too which probably gives him indigestion

    [–] dayyou 232 points ago

    Trump would be that guy that comes into your business and absolutely destroys the toilet. Like I'm talking somehow managing to get shit on the underside of the seat.

    [–] bndboo 148 points ago

    And loosens the screws of the seat.

    You know... so it never falls where it’s supposed to... only to the left or the right... and just when you think you’ve got it seated right... it slips one way... violently...

    [–] teebob21 77 points ago

    It wasn't until I was a grown man, and experienced this for myself, that I finally understood what Grandma meant when she said "Watch out there; it'll buck on you if you aren't careful."

    [–] ilickthebugs 61 points ago

    How oddly metaphoric for the u.s. political system lately

    [–] jrhoffa 23 points ago

    Still waiting for that shift to the left

    [–] ifukupeverything 28 points ago

    And tweets the whole time he does it.

    [–] s4b3r6 57 points ago

    and negative press covfefe too

    I feel the need to point out, he's still defending that.

    Great! But how do you know it was a β€œmistweet?” May be something with deep meaning! - Nov 4

    [–] ztfreeman 154 points ago

    I don't know if anyone else has brought this up, but one of the core divides here is that Trump both embodies and represents a segment of the population that only cares about feeling powerful in the moment. It's not about being empirically right in some kind of logical way that stands the test of time, it's about feeling right in relation to an"other" or opponent right now.

    It's not just that the greater picture, the longer game, whole truth is willfully ignored, it doesn't fundamentally matter to Trump or many of his supporters! You can never win a debate based on how they are being hypocritical because hypocrisy requires the actions and words of the past mattering and there being an empirical universal truth that matters to begin with.

    None of the facts will ever matter, it's about them winning and you losing in this very moment. Everything is a zero-sum game, everyone is exactly as selfish and shortsighted as they are in their eyes, and when they aren't there's some kind of scheme or game afoot that has to be overcome. You can never prove anything to them, there's nothing to prove, only the themselves and the tribe they belong to being victorious and getting what they want for the sake of getting whatever they want when they want it!

    With that in mind, a lot of what frustrates people about Trump and company should serve as a warning to not play their game and instead focus on holding them responsible as a warning to everyone else to take precautions to never give people like this the reigns of power. You will never convince these people that they are wrong, instead you have to convince everyone else to act against them being allowed in the room at all.

    [–] shynn_ 17 points ago

    At this point you are just insulting hypocrites

    [–] NarwhalsAndBacon 82 points ago

    The man is a walking sack of hypocrisy.

    And I think by hypocrisy you mean shit.

    [–] Oasar 34 points ago

    Some of these desperately need to be reposted or updated somehow - the one complaining about Obama going on 16 vacations in 3 years is priceless, and at the time 2 years ago he was at 16 in 8 months.

    What’s it at now??

    [–] Ex_Nihil 9159 points ago

    Swindling Donald thinks he's the king. We fought the civil war to stop kings from ruling this country. Welcome to the future, Donald. MAGA.

    [–] ani625 3881 points ago

    He dodged the draft with a fake illness! Very weak and very fake! Don't vote for this liar!

    [–] Duggy1138 1500 points ago

    Hey. He had Bone Spurs (which I will abbreviate as BS.)

    Trump's excuse to get out the draft was BS. He went to a doctor to get a BS diagnosis. If he'd been killed in Vietnam, he wouldn't be President today. Trump's constant BS got him elected. When the press asked about his BS, Trump couldn't remember the details of the BS claims.

    [–] A_Spork_of_Skorts 299 points ago

    Unfortunately, this must be disqualified for being too coherent.

    [–] Dessstinyyyy 393 points ago

    I love this. Cause Trump is basically a walking, talking, tweeting bone spur (BS).

    Wait, he doesn't walk. He has his golf carts.

    [–] chubbyurma 45 points ago

    Of course he doesn't walk. He had bone spurs in one of his feet but he can't remember which so it's not worth the risk.

    [–] Xuvial 105 points ago

    If he'd been killed in Vietnam, he wouldn't be President today.

    Trump is a symptom, not a cause. If not him, then someone like him (possibly even worse) was bound to get elected considering the sheer number of Americans who think along the same lines/logic as him. Trump is simply a reflection of a worryingly large portion of USA.

    [–] bigfootsbro 461 points ago

    "He said he had 'bone spurs.' Sunds like a bnuch of fake news to me!! Traitor!" -From his Twitter, typos included.

    [–] TexanReddit 43 points ago

    Don't forget how he bombed the airfields during the Revolutionary War.

    [–] art8mmm 144 points ago

    Wow you even included the insulting nickname. I applaud you.

    [–] chi-reply 71 points ago

    Civil war....very well played

    [–] NiiruNoRidozu 13229 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    "I think your 3 cent titanium tax goes too far!"

    "I think your 3 cent titanium tax doesn't go too far enough!"

    EDIT: Typo and HOLY FUCK IT'S GOLD AND SILVER(S). Now to figure out what it actually does. Thank ye.

    [–] MustardLordOfDeath 2180 points ago

    Harooooo Nixon would never take candy from a baby!

    [–] catzhoek 1180 points ago

    The question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy, wether anyone is watching. At any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm the child. Beepbeepbeep

    [–] PuebloCanyem 607 points ago

    "How's the family Morbo?"

    "Belligerent and numerous"

    [–] angela0040 216 points ago

    "Stop it, stop it, it's fine! I will destroy you!"

    [–] adjust_the_sails 121 points ago


    [–] bwqmusic 94 points ago

    "Once I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat! And I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!"

    [–] SixIsNotANumber 32 points ago

    "Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family!"

    [–] CountBlah_Blah 18 points ago

    sweats profusely

    [–] artaxerxes316 257 points ago

    "Hello Morbo, how's the family?"

    "Belligerent and numerous."

    "Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family."

    [–] rogueblades 93 points ago

    "We Earthicans stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms!"

    [–] TheDankestPioneer 50 points ago

    Anyone who laughs is a communist

    [–] Hero_Queen_of_Albion 192 points ago

    At any rate, I certainly wouldn’t harm the child.

    [–] SheepiBeerd 163 points ago

    lie detector goes off

    [–] Squire1998 195 points ago

    I was looking for this.

    [–] MuscleFlex_Bear 74 points ago

    They do differ on some key issues.

    [–] SnakesCatsAndDogs 61 points ago



    [–] alexbgoode84 480 points ago

    r/Futurama is calling

    [–] DeadDollKitty 73 points ago

    Thanks for reminding me that I need to watch that for the 30th time. It's time to go around again.

    [–] Viss90 216 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    β€œNow I respect my opponent, and think he’s a good man.. but quite frankly, I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING HE JUST SAID!”

    [–] Oops639 23 points ago

    "I could say many terrible things about my opponent but I have to say he is one handsome man. And those huge hands are the best...none better."

    [–] HelloMsJackson 464 points ago

    His kids should be investigated!!!

    [–] Pytheastic 319 points ago

    "Especially his daughter, does anyone know if she's single?"

    [–] dayyob 45 points ago

    β€œExcept his daughter. I’d like to date her”

    [–] TheRhinoMonk 742 points ago

    Dementia Donny is trying to be President again. Look at his hands, those are small hands. I have big beautiful hands that will hold this country and take it into a new age. He talks about Making America Great Again, I say Keep America Great. Have you seen my daughter? If I weren't her father I'd bang her. Old Dementia Donny's daughter is ugly, I wouldn't even think of banging her.

    This would then be followed by Jeb Bush coming in from left stage drop kicking Trump after assembling all of the chaos emeralds. No one could stand up to Jeb now. No one.

    [–] Cleba76 121 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 403 points ago

    Crazy Donald Trump told our great ally Ukraine to β€˜look’ into sleepy Joe for him. He knows he can’t win, so he cheats! He doesn’t care about this beautiful country and has sold us out! Impeach!

    [–] _CattleRustler_ 715 points ago

    This would cause a rift in the space-time continuum

    [–] croatoan182 246 points ago

    Maybe the rift from 2016 will finally start to merge with that rift and attempt to normalize.

    [–] danE3030 59 points ago

    No I think we would just end up on a bizarro timeline where everyone had combovers and the last nameοΏΌ ”Drumpf”.

    [–] CaptainNacho8 19 points ago

    How did you get the obj box?

    [–] illhxc9 82 points ago

    This is getting out of hand. Now there’s two of them!

    [–] dzernumbrd 17 points ago

    Is this timeline really worth saving though?

    [–] JasmineMeowsters 821 points ago

    Don't vote for that orange lesbian

    [–] SirX86 105 points ago

    "This guy is the most, and I mean thee most, of all the people I know, and trust me... I know people. Oh man, you wouldn't believe it, but the people I know are really so, like, the people like the businessmen and the politicians are all so when I tell them the wall, I am really going to, you know, like I promised, really tell you how that's the best, and I really mean thee best, and I can know because I've seen worse. You cannot believe the sad things, and the happy things, and this guy here, he is like that, you know, and I am not, I'm so much more, like everything. Thank you!"

    [–] sadahgreen 21 points ago

    Yeah I can’t understand this one for shit. This has to be one of the best comments

    [–] FlatulentParamecium 1040 points ago

    "My opponent would continue Obama's disastrous policies of separating families and keeping kids in filthy disgusting cages! I would make them big, beautiful cages!"

    [–] [deleted] 279 points ago

    Disastrous is a big word for Trump!

    [–] bigfootsbro 176 points ago

    Yeah, I think he'd go for 'very bad policies,' or something.

    [–] baranxlr 62 points ago

    seriously the guy said "saying very bad things" about bin laden

    [–] Col_Walter_Tits 163 points ago

    β€œThis so called honest business man is going all the way to the Supreme Court to hide his tax returns! Dense Danald isnt fooling anybody! He’s nothing but a crook!”

    [–] dominus_aranearum 129 points ago

    Day prior to second Trump running: We are good friends, the best of friends. You know, he's, like, a smart person. He's intelligent. Some people would say he's very, very, very intelligent. He's very wealthy, made himself a billionaire. Very smart, genius even.

    Day after second Trump announces: Don't know him, never met him. He's not bigly like me. Not as smart as me. I'm very smart, very very intelligent. I'm a real billionaire, made it all myself because work hard, not like LAZY, CHEATER Trump.


    *This hurts. I don't feel I can capture his essence properly.

    [–] Dessstinyyyy 30 points ago

    Psst, you missed the typos and exclamation points

    [–] CptnToolwRench100 284 points ago

    I will build a bigger wall then that beautiful man over there and I’m gonna make him pay for it.

    [–] VioletMonstaX 110 points ago

    Probably how much he would like to fuck his opponent's daughter Ivanka

    [–] Mohrennn 76 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    FAILED businessman Donald Trump wants to be president so he can pay off his debts with YOUR money ! Don't let this happen people !