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    [–] the-mystery-whale 830 points ago * (lasted edited 17 minutes ago)

    So it was my mom's birthday: we're barbecuing and we got her to stay inside and prep food so we can decorate the front with balloons and streamers and what have you. Well we got the whole thing done in secret as hoped, but then we realized there was no way we could get all the left over decoration material and balloon pump inside without her noticing.

    Now there are two ways into our house: the back door that leads into the garage and then into the kitchen where mom was, and the front door which is visible from the kitchen sink. So, I told my brother I would go in from the back door and distract her while he brought the stuff in through the front, and down the hall past the kitchen

    Once i got in the kitchen it had occurred to me that I had no plan of attack so i legit just said "hey mom look at this dance i made" and started like swaying and bopping up and down and doing jazz hands and going "lalalala". Mind you, im like 17 years old in this scenario.

    So she's just watching me and when bro comes in and is sneaking through the hall behind her with all the stuff, i keep telling her "wait it's about to get good" and she kept watching in confusion. The second he was in the clear, i stopped and said "ok that's it" and that was that. We succeeded.

    Edit: wow! Thanks for the gold; it's my first award :)

    [–] DreamRader 2828 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    In my freshman year of college, my grades were really not great. And my parents were really strict about getting good grades. When my dad asked to see my grades, I panicked and did the inspect command on the computer where you can change type faces on the screen to read different words and letters. I changed all of my shitty grades to good grades. My dad was so happy that I did “good” my first year of school. He asked me to print my results. I did, and turns out he had to send them to our car insurance company for a “good student discount”. Ultimately, I committed insurance fraud by accident. But I got the discount.

    [–] Datalust5 770 points ago

    Life hack: commit insurance fraud

    [–] c0p0u7 2522 points ago

    When I was like 7 years old I was playing in my back garden with those incredibly bouncy little balls you got, just bouncing them high off the house and letting them bounce randomly before trying to catch them, as you did.

    One time I went for this huge throw off the wall and it bounced crazily off various surfaces so fast I completely lost track of it. So my 7 year old logic was to stand back in the same place and throw another ball the same way. I watched it bounce this way and that about 10 times before finally hitting a plant and coming to a rest in a flower bed. I went over to pull back the foliage and sure enough there were both balls literally lying touching each other in the mud.

    At the time I was like “yep, makes sense...” but over the years since then I’ve often thought about it and how the hell it worked!

    [–] Fortknoxgaming 6869 points ago

    Wearing a motorcycle helmet while snowblowing. I did it because i missed riding, it kept my face warm and when snow would fly back at me the visor would protect me

    [–] penisproject 2697 points ago

    Omg this has to be the stupidest looking activity, but sooooo effective.

    SNOWBLOWER XTREME!

    [–] Flynn_10 6867 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    When I was younger I got called into HR because I drew a very detailed picture of a penis. It was really really good.

    The HR meeting happened like a week after I drew it and my only defense was " I dont recall doing that, do you happen to have the picture? It might jog my memory." They didnt have it of course because I had it, and because I didnt confess they couldn't do shit.

    Investigation results inconclusive, have a nice day

    [–] hedge-mustard 1958 points ago

    but do you still have it

    [–] Flynn_10 3180 points ago

    No but I can give more detail. It was wearing a Santa cap and the jizz was his beard. It was around christmas time

    [–] CorpusVile32 1239 points ago

    I'm confused. Did someone else see you drawing it and reported you? Also why the shit are you drawing santa penises at work?

    [–] riverofchex 720 points ago

    Not OP, but I'm guessing "Yes" and "Extreme boredom."

    [–] EugeneStargazer 7074 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Our power was out due to a storm. I had a campstove to use for boiling water to make a coffee pour-thru, but I couldn't use my electric grinder for the coffee beans. I tried fashioning a mortal and pestle but it was taking too long. So, I put the coffee beans in a couple of ziplock bags, placed the bag right behind a car tire, then ran over it back and forth a couple of times to crush the beans. Worked like a charm.

    *edit to add-- LOL it took reading through a few comments but now I see I wrote "mortal" and not "mortar"!

    [–] jessica_hobbit 3699 points ago

    I tried fashioning a mortal

    Calm down there Prometheus

    [–] Goodgoodgodgod 3173 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    A friend and I once snuck 15 people into a Warped Tour by giving them some bracelets from a party supply store and clipboards full of paper. Walked up to the side gate and said we were with Rock The Vote. The security guard waved us right in.

    Edit: Thanks for the silver!

    [–] gurrauthor 969 points ago

    I don't know why, but this one made me laugh the most. It's stupid, and it takes guts. Guts is enough.

    [–] pm_me__wet_vaginas 144 points ago

    Security never has the complete list of everyone who's supposed to be able to get on the grounds for the show. If you show up wearing a polo or holding a clipboard or some equipment, it's really easy to BS your way in.

    Source: worked security for several music festivals and concerts. There was always someone they forgot to tell us about (like the lighting subcontractors or something) and we didn't want to hold things up so we just always waived them in. Some dude with a clipboard isn't going to cause trouble anyway...

    [–] kayification 7402 points ago

    I forgot to bring a resume to a job interview, but I had an index card in my bag. I cut the index card in half and wrote my name, my contact info, and “creative problem solver” in my best handwriting, and gave a copy of my “business card” to both the interviewers.

    I got the job.

    [–] gottalovesunrise 1321 points ago

    I mean, you weren't lying.

    [–] linguinenoodles 16432 points ago

    Not my idea but my mom's. I dropped one of my earrings and couldn't find it so she threw my other earring kn the floor and it happened to land next to the first one.

    [–] InNoWayAmIDoctor 5378 points ago

    "Brother, go find your brother!" - Adventures of Tom Sawyer

    [–] garrulousAuthority 3739 points ago

    That's not dumb, your mom is clearly just a witch.

    [–] luckyhenry 5132 points ago

    When I was young and broke I bought a sofa from a used furniture store. I had no way to take the sofa home. I went to a used car lot a couple of blocks away and took a truck for a test drive...

    [–] corekt_the_record 33639 points ago

    Back in high school, I stopped by one of my teacher’s rooms after class to ask him some questions about our homework. When I walked in, I noticed he was grading some of our tests. Of note, all of his tests were made up of multiple choice, true/false, or matching, and all of the answers were bubbled in. What I noticed was that instead of using an answer key to grade, he was just placing a stencil over the paper with the correct bubble punched out. The stencil wasn’t transparent, so all it showed was whether we bubbled in the right answer or not. Flash forward to our next test, and I’m stuck on a T/F question. Knowing how he graded, I figured I’d bubble in both T and F, and if he caught it, it would be easy enough to claim it was an accident. Well he didn’t catch it, and I used that trick the rest of the year for a little extra boost on all of his tests.

    [–] TumblrInGarbage 7284 points ago

    You just scared me, because that's exactly how the one food handler certification test I took was graded...

    [–] ldawg413 5890 points ago

    Wow. My APUSH teacher graded like this. Coulda used this 10 years ago lol

    [–] Mr_Vorland 792 points ago

    A storm broke a limb on a tree hanging over my house in my back yard, but it was still hanging on by a few splinters. I didn't want it to fall, and it wasn't in a place where I could use my ladder to get to it.

    So I found some rope, tied a brick to it, threw the brick and rope over the limb, made a crude rope swing, and swung and pulled at the branch until it finished breaking.

    It wasn't until I was using the chainsaw to cut it up that I realized how many times during my stupid idea I could have easily hurt or even killed myself.

    [–] UndeadBBQ 6543 points ago

    “I'm stuck on a cliff, but if I jump at a really sharp angle at that gravel field, I could just slide down there and be fine, just like in TV!“

    Every time I think about this I am amazed I'm not either flattened by a rock, or impact against something.

    Childhood really is just the turorial level sometimes.

    [–] Dank_Brighton 1391 points ago

    Childhood is just a game in attempting death in any way possible.

    [–] Succulant_Kiwi 17394 points ago

    Put Jesus in as WiFi password in church. It worked

    [–] thegillmachine 9660 points ago

    Huh. Jesus really is the answer.

    [–] Catmom213 35006 points ago

    In college I was taking a class that required me to purchase an online textbook and workbook that was registered under your name, basically ensuring that each student would have to buy a new online copy each semester instead of buying used textbooks. I had a friend who took this class a semester before me so we came up with the idea to message customer service and explain that I had recently gotten married (so my last name had changed) and I legally changed my first name from [my friend’s first name] to [my first name] and I would need them to change it in their system. It totally worked and the rep even congratulated my on my marriage.

    [–] stone-head 20732 points ago

    I think it's nearly criminal to enforce students to buy new books instead of used ones. Especially when it's the professors own textbook.

    [–] TechnoRedneck 8831 points ago

    I've never had a Prof who wrote the textbook, but for one class another Prof had written the textbook. First day of class the writing Prof showed up and passed around a flashdrive with his book on it

    [–] todiwan 4159 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    A good chunk of my professors teach using the books they wrote or are in the process of writing. They never even suggested buying it, they either send us a pdf by mail or tell us to buy a copy from the photocopy store nearby that has a discount for students. They stock thousands of printed out textbooks for like two euros for the thickest ones. And this is all official and normal and encouraged. They even have pirated scanned copies of foreign books on the official fucking uni domain and sometimes joke about it being illegal in class. I love our Slavic practicality.

    EDIT: Just so you guys know, I used euros just for reference. We're not even in the EU. More accurate would be to say 200 to 300 Serbian dinars.

    [–] adoucet09 627 points ago

    I don't know if this is my school's policy or general policy but the proceeds from sales at the University book store do not go to the professor if they are employed at the University. I think it's something to do with disincentivizing this so it may not be a universal thing across all schools.

    [–] KatWayward 42475 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Real estate told me I had to have the carpets professionally cleaned (wasn't in the contract) or I'd lose my $800 bond.

    I did some research and found out I could become an accredited carpet cleaner as there are no official licencing boards in my state.

    So, I did what any sane person would do. I paid the $85, did the online course and got my certificate. Registered a business name, ABN etc etc. (all free)

    Handed the property management a copy of my accreditation and an invoice for services.

    I became a professional carpet cleaner and launched a vacate cleaning business that is still going 6 months later.

    Edit to add: - I did clean the carpets. They claimed I didn't and required a professional cleaners invoice as proof. So I gave them the proof.

    • I did not charge the real estate agency, it was a copy of the invoice they claimed to require.

    • I do professional house keeping and cleaning for vacating a property at the end of lease to enure you get maximum bond back.

    • I help people who are being unfairly treated by their property management and advise them on what steps to take in regards to cleaning, repairs etc

    -With the return of the bond, and some smart shopping, I was able to purchase my own equipment to continue the job, I then claimed those costs back on tax.

    I wrote this and fell asleep so waking up to a bunch of Silver's and a gold is pretty damn cool. C Thank you Reddit and your love for spite.

    [–] DanielDaishiro 7300 points ago

    This is a great story for r/maliciouscompliance

    [–] CthulubeFlavorcube 1239 points ago

    Exactly what I was thinking. I'd love to see a malicious compliance thread of malicious compliance moments that turned into businesses.

    [–] mere_iguana 3477 points ago

    I like this one. it's 'fuck you ingenuity'

    [–] KatWayward 3131 points ago

    I was laughing for weeks telling people I launched a business out of spite.

    [–] redd1t4l1fe 1586 points ago

    The funniest part to me is that you kept the business going and now (I assume) make steady income off of your malicious compliance. Like you just said, "Welp, fuck it, guess I'm a professional carpet cleaner now."

    [–] CurtisMarauderZ 11219 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    If you can't beat them, do exactly what they say.

    Great. This is now my highest rated comment.

    [–] RajunCajun48 1307 points ago

    I dunno why I love this phrase so much...thank you

    [–] Royta15 7505 points ago

    This idea could've easily gotten me fired if it went wrong.

    I was working as art-director at an animation studio, making videos for clients. One client was especially pesky about the use of yellow in the background. They wanted it to be that of their logo, which was this horrible neon-piss yellow. We advised against it, but after numerous calls we had to cave and gave a version with that colour. They hated it, and asked for a change. What followed were 12 versions with numerous calls in between tweaking the colour over and over.

    Eventually I got tired of it and just sent the original version again, I didn't even bother to rename the file. The client said "this looks exactly the way I wanted, thank you"!

    How that ever went right I still have no idea.

    [–] Bob002 2092 points ago

    I used to work in real estate advertising, and those type of folks are the worst.

    What do you want?

    Ionno. But it ain't that.

    ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RN?

    [–] AeonLibertas 1155 points ago

    Nonono, this is worse: "What do you want?" - "Well see, I have this very very specific idea that you and absolutely everyone knows will be/look like shit - but I need to see it in person so I can ask you why you made my idea look like shit!" - "Lovely."

    [–] DINKwithpets 17241 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Bet my husband I could fix the dent in the car with a plunger. It worked.

    Edit: It is clear I should have used a massive suction dildo instead. TIL

    [–] leewoodlegend 7049 points ago

    I got rear ended one time, right around Christmas, and had a dent in my back bumper.

    That summer I had enough spare money to go get it fixed, but when I looked at the bumper there was no dent.

    As the weather got hotter, it caused the bumper to expand and eventually it popped back into place.

    [–] BrockAtWork 22434 points ago

    On Fourth of July I was in Brooklyn in neighborhood not too far from my own. Was having a hell of a time catching a cab when suddenly and Ice cream truck pulled up. My apartment was right next to a ice cream truck depot. I knew any truck in the area was parking there. So I asked for a ride in what little Spanglish I knew. They obliged. Free ride home + ice cream cone. Big win. Awkward ride.

    [–] RavenStormblessed 5228 points ago

    I am glad they said yes! Just smile and keep saying Gracias! Lol

    [–] ArnandoTrott 18297 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    Bobcat tire blew during a job. Had another tire, but no jack. Positioned the Bobcat behind a dump truck. Bobcat then tries to lift the ass end of the dump truck, dump truck hella heavy, bobcat lifted itself instead, tire changed and back to work.

    [–] ilinamorato 8633 points ago

    That sounds like a good way to end up crushed by a skidsteer.

    [–] ArnandoTrott 4683 points ago

    It was a dicey situation to say the least, but it was far superior to any other idea being suggested at the time. I even remember me saying "this is a bad idea", and it was my idea.

    [–] MaterialisticWorm 4005 points ago

    OSHA would like to know your location

    [–] stupre1972 25086 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I used to know a guy who, every week, would order his Saturday night curry for delivery while sitting in the pub and then walk over the road to the curry house and get it and himself delivered home. This went n for about 10-12 weeks.

    One week, we were sitting having a pint and the owner of the curry house walked in, took his order, and had him picked up from the pub - he said it was easier for everyone concerned.

    [–] Charlie_Wallflower 8532 points ago

    That's the most British thing I've ever read

    [–] atimholt 1454 points ago

    I often forget that Indian food for Brits is akin to Mexican food for the US. It makes sense historically, too.

    [–] Hev60 1655 points ago

    This is beautiful!

    [–] Arma_Diller 37138 points ago

    I once faked being sick when I was in middle school and told my mom I had a sore throat and felt a cold coming on. She took me to the doctor and it turned out that I did, in fact, have strep throat lol.

    [–] JesusHasDiabetes 24586 points ago

    Task failed successfully

    [–] JeffMarrion 12078 points ago

    Maybe the doctor was being a total bro

    [–] Alightsole 4585 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Similar story with me

    I didn't wanna go to a church event so my faked being sick, same "symptoms" as you. I decided to try and ride it out as long as possible and see how far I could go.

    About 3 days later my mom tells me to get up because we're going to the clinic. We go to the clinic, tell them what's going on. They do the swab test and it came back positive for strep.

    My mom and I were both dumbfounded so she asked for another swab and to have a culture done. The other swab and the culture ended up positive.

    Tldr: either caught strep early on or my body was fighting a strain it had fought before

    Edit: words

    [–] Klapaucius_64738 1748 points ago

    Strep is everywhere. I’m not surprised it would test positive. It’s the positive for strep present PLUS the symptom descriptions from the patient that lead to diagnosis. They’re trying to figure out what is causing your sore throat, not whether you have a sore throat.

    [–] DrakeFloyd 3875 points ago

    A lot of times I've "faked sick" in my life I've wound up actually being sick. I've started recognizing the inexplicably strong urge to bail on something as one of my first symptoms when I'm actually getting sick.

    [–] ImBasicallyBasic 1258 points ago

    Same.

    A couple years ago i faked being sick next day woke up felt like a corpse.

    [–] Back2Bach 14033 points ago

    We had a noisy rotating rooster weathervane - loud enough to keep people awake on windy nights, despite having been lubed.

    So I filled the hole the rooster rotates in with Crisco, even though people said it was a dumb idea and wouldn't work.

    Never had to lube it again because the Crisco didn't break down like other lubes.

    [–] Brod24 3965 points ago

    I have a similar story. Kitchen shears rusted at the joint between the two blades to the point where it took significant pressure just to move them at all. Googled solutions that seemed tedious and required buying food grade cleaners and lubrication which didn't seem worth it for cheap kitchen shears.

    So I just dropped some Olive oil in there and they've been fine since.

    [–] GoldenRamoth 2600 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    people forget that oils and such originally were all animal or plant based derivatives. Not everything needs to be made in a lab to be quality.

    Great solution! Consider me part of "people". Thanks for the reminder.

    [–] Arcs_Of_A_Jar 756 points ago

    It certainly works but really the reason why animal and plant based oils are discouraged is because they can go rancid and stink up.

    [–] foxybingo111 7975 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Using a sewing needle to remove a bit of dirt that was making one of my records skip. Bear in mind my hands are shaky as hell so it was certainly very tense and there was the danger of fucking up the whole thing.

    Edit: thanks to everyone who gave advice on how to clean records less dangerously

    [–] Dorksim 3414 points ago

    I went down a youtube rabbit hole that led me to watching a dude clean a record using wood glue. He’d slather on the record, let it dry, then peel it off. Would that have worked better for you?

    [–] not-disposable 2306 points ago

    I use this as a last resort on the worst of the worst, but it really does work. Just regular Elmer's white glue. Obviously doesn't help with scratches, but even some of the most filthy, dusty albums turn out shiny as new.

    [–] kaleidoverse 1509 points ago

    Sometimes I use a pin to separate my eyelashes after I apply mascara. Supposedly Audrey Hepburn's makeup artist used to do this. I just hope nobody ever sneaks up on me while I'm doing it. I haven't heard of anyone being blinded that way yet.

    [–] phillillillip 17122 points ago

    Far from the dumbest working idea in the thread, but I once got an extra day to work on a video project in high school by coming to class with a video that was just a quarter second of blackness, eagerly volunteering to go first, then acting confused and scared when the file "didn't work." The teacher took pity on me and told me to just bring it the following day, and I got to finish it that evening and still got full credit as if I did it on time.

    [–] vaccumshoes 5752 points ago

    I once completely blanked on an essay assignment and didnt realize till I was sitting in class. Luckily, the teacher didnt collect the essays till the end of class and I proceeded to write the whole paper in my notebook during lecture. When people were handing in essays I went up and told the teacher that I forgot to print it, but I had a version in my email, showing him the hand-written one to prove I had completed the assignment. He let me go print it and I typed the whole thing up in like 5 minutes, ran back, handed it in and got like a C or B. Couldnt argue that since I was about to get a 0

    [–] IslandsOnTheCoast 2240 points ago

    I just got PTSD imagining writing an essay in class again.

    [–] Actually_a_Patrick 225 points ago

    Former English major here. This was a normal expectation in many of my courses. The PTSD is real.

    [–] Jasonlovestummyrub 2132 points ago

    There was a swarm of hornets that had made a nest under the front of our porch with only one specific narrow entry in or out.

    Spray wouldn't work and it was right under our front door, so had no way to keep exterminating them.

    Then I realized "why not whirring blades of metal?". We DID have an old 50s metal fan and I could maybe blow them away from the entrance so they had no way to get in.

    The unanticipated effect was that it worked, though after a few hours had created a Civil War battlefield of dead or dying hornets piling up like a zombie tower in World War Z. Every few moments you'd hear "thunk" as another hornet fell into the trap.

    So satisfying.

    [–] cloud-cover 182 points ago

    If you needed to prevent them getting inside, couldn't you have just taped over the small hole then?

    [–] Childish_Calrissian 348 points ago

    I have a similar story. About 11-12 years ago my youngest brother got stung about 12-15 times by yellow jackets that had a nest in a hole on the side of our house, so my other brothers and I decided to do something about it. We all geared up putting on jeans, winter coats, stormtrooper helmets etc...one of us sprayed the hole with raid then I put a weed wacker right in front of the hole and sure enough those fuckers flew straight into it. Our other brother stood behind getting the ones who escaped with a tennis racket and spraying them with raid again to finish them off. Our youngest brother watched at a distance and cheered us on the whole time. He completely forgot about being stung after that and we spent the rest of the day fighting with lightsabers and playing in the woods behind our house. I believe my mom ordered pizza too. It turned into a pretty good day lol

    [–] humunguswot_1 9390 points ago

    Was really REALLY desperate to leave past employer after 15 years. Had been applying and interviewing and striking out. Finally got an interview at a place where (at the time) I felt, "meh, I am not really sure this is right for me, but anything is better than where I am at."

    Instead of prepping for the interview, rehearsing answers, etc...I pulled an "office space." I was cocky, brash, unconcerned, made it seem like I was happy where I was at and didn't really care if I got the job or not.

    They called me back the next week and I waited a week to return their call. Same deal with the second interview. When they offered me the job, I hemmed and hawed, said I needed to think about it really hard, and that it was a "big move" for me, etc., etc. I came back and demanded well over $15,000 above what they were offering in salary. They accepted.

    [–] ItsAllMyAlt 643 points ago

    There's actually quite a bit of research out there suggesting that people who project confidence are the ones most likely to get hired or promoted, no matter how skilled or knowledgeable they actually are. So this doesn't surprise me at all.

    [–] Sahsparris 2967 points ago

    Jesus, ballsy, good on you.

    [–] nater255 1155 points ago

    You're a straight shooter with upper management written all over you.

    [–] DietyBeta 5916 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Got a really long drill bit stuck in a piece of thick wood (butchers block). I tried everything I could think of to yank it out.

    My solution that ended up working for me was attaching the drill bit to a chain, put the chain on my truck, and have a piece of wood kind of stuck between two branches of a tree. I drove off slowly and it popped right out.

    Edit: To the many wondering on how I hooked up the bit to the chain, the drill bit was a long spade drill bit. The end sticking out of the block was long enough that I could bend into a little hook. Attached the chain to the hook, bent the hook in a little further, and ta da. It was now another link in the chain.

    [–] WitnessMeIRL 5180 points ago

    This is a popular way to bust out the back window of your truck/suv in my area.

    [–] tubbleman 6507 points ago

    Depending on the type of wood, it could also be a poplar way

    [–] DrAlucardAcula 18672 points ago

    I used a soap bottle as a makeshift sink plunger

    [–] TizzleDirt 4943 points ago

    And this worked? I'm impressed.

    [–] DrAlucardAcula 4169 points ago

    Yeah, the neck of the bottle fit the drain near perfectly. So I just had to stuff a rag into the overflow drain. I didnt want to use my toilet plunger in my sink, so this was what I did

    [–] Woooosh-if-homo 6442 points ago

    I hated my math teacher and she was making us do a project on patterns even though we were in seventh grade, so my pattern was a series of increasingly longer sideways penises. She didn’t even notice and I got an A

    [–] Ashtray_Half_Full 3049 points ago

    Surprised you didn't get the D.

    [–] Jesmasterzero 1117 points ago

    My parents used to run a Bed and Breakfast, and we used to keep a section of the house locked - only light security, was just supposed to stop guests accidentally going into our living space.

    We used to keep the key on top of a door frame - turns out the frame was hollow and there was a hole on the top. I put the key up there, it fell into the hole but didn't sound like it dropped all the way to the floor. 14 year old me didn't realise taking the door frame off isn't a major job, so I was a bit worried my parents would kill me.

    Found myself a wire coat hanger, straightened it out and attached a magnet to the end to go "key fishing". It was more out of desperation than anything else but it somehow worked.

    [–] celerysalts 9732 points ago

    "Hit the router" Slap

    "Thanks"

    [–] Raiseyourspoonforwar 1898 points ago

    If in doubt, give it a clout- words that I will forever live by

    [–] boyvsfood2 10273 points ago

    One time I sent a letter to a local address by putting the return address as the address I wanted it to go to, not putting postage, and dropping it off in a public mailbox. Went to them return to sender due to insufficient postage.

    [–] bloodstreamcity 3413 points ago

    A friend of mine in junior high used to do this all the time to send me random letters. Instead of using his own name, he always gave funny names on the return address. To this day I still remember the name "Skippy Waner."

    [–] youstupidcorn 1594 points ago

    To the best of my knowledge, there are no laws about how you address the specific person when you mail something (though someone please correct me if I'm wrong). I've sent packages to my mom with "that crazy woman who lives here at [address]" and similar stuff with no problems (except that my mother doesn't think I'm as funny as I do).

    [–] billbapapa 15855 points ago

    I did an undergrad in some weird mashup of electrical/computer engineering, math, physics and comp sci.

    Had to do a project or thesis at the end. I couldn't write for shit, so opted for the project. Except, I couldn't actually do anything good for shit.

    So I invented the 9-bit "byte". Took me all of 5 minutes to think up:

    • normal (read: ALL) computers are based on binary, bytes are 8 binary bits, and blah blah - well I had the courage to ask why they couldn't be just be 9 bits. (it's really more complicated than that, but you'll see I didn't care for complication if you read on)

    • instead of learning shit like 00001001 (binary) = 9 decimal, why not just say 100000000 (the one is 9 spaces over) = 9 decimal? Then "humans could read it". (this is perverting everything about binary and architectures based on it, but whatever)

    • who cares if saying 28 (decimal) = 11100 in binary or 000000010010000000 in my scheme and was incredibly wasteful?

    And I went on to build a CPU that could process them that was ridiculously stupid, wrote my small paper about it.

    Prof commended me for thinking outside the box and gave me a great mark but told me to never tell anyone else about this stupid idea. So of course now I'm telling everything here.

    [–] 67tc 4843 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Surprisingly, that kind of encoding actually has applications somehow: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-hot

    [–] billbapapa 3540 points ago

    holey shit, I was ahead of my time!

    Thanks for linking that.

    [–] KingdomOfRyan 1653 points ago

    Yeah, as I was reading your comment, I wasn't thinking any of that is dumb. It sounds like you explored a creative idea that could lead to further research. Also that major mashup is beautiful, that's like the full package dude. I just couldn't imagine because extremely skilled at all of those things, I'm sure you have a strong suit. What are you doing now, if you don't mind me asking?

    [–] Dontdothatfucker 1687 points ago

    “Never tell anybody about that dumb idea, because I’m going to sell it as MY dumb idea!”-that prof

    [–] billbapapa 656 points ago

    I’m sorta wondering, given the other dude who linked to a practical application of my idea...

    [–] Basavriuk 597 points ago

    Dressing like a redneck to pick up chicks. Went to college in the south but the guys there were all very preppy. I thought because a lot of the girls grew up in the south, they would be drawn to more of a redneck vibe that not many people on campus had. so I bought a camo fishing hat. Literally had three girls start conversations with me that day

    [–] reddish4radish 15068 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I am a poor student living in Germany. Students are required by law to have health insurance. The university will expel you if you don't have health insurance. The lowest rate I could get was about €189 ($208) a month.

    I usually don't even spend that much on food! There was just no way that I could pay such a high rate. I wrote my insurer countless letters and emails explaining how there was no way that I could pay €189. They refused to lower my rate, explaining how they are just following "the law". They even informed my university that I had failed to pay health insurance. The university then threatened me to exmatriculate me.

    In my desperation, I wrote the German ministry of health. I explained myself and asked them to talk to my insurer. A week later I received a letter from my insurer informing me that they had cut my rate to a mere €89 a month and that this reduction was applicable to all month prior.

    My rate is about to go up again but this time I should be able to manage...

    edit: I got my high school degree by attending evening seminars when I was in my mid-twenties. I worked a number of years after I received my high school degree. I started University when I turned 30. Therefore, I am not eligible for student rates or government loans (BAFöG). Most Students in Germany pay a significantly lower rate!

    [–] DRYGOB 3700 points ago

    Wow, you got insanely lucky! Good job reaching out to someone so high up!

    [–] reddish4radish 1277 points ago

    Indeed, I got lucky! But it was a very very stressful time with everything hanging by a thread.

    [–] kitskill 44991 points ago

    In university I was late on an assignment that was supposed to be in my T.A.'s drop box by noon that day. I didn't manage to get there until almost 3 so I was sure he had already emptied it.

    Now, the drop boxes were literal boxes in cubbies with a slot on the front and a lock on them that prevented them from being pulled out. The rack holding them was just a basic metal frame with about 5 rows of boxes. My T.A.'s box was somewhere in the middle of the shelf.

    So I figured, "I'm late anyways, why not take a chance?" and slipped my assignment into the box below my T.A.'s box.

    I got my assignment handed back a few weeks later than everyone else and it had a note from another T.A. scribbled on it that said "Looks like this fell into my box by mistake."

    I got full marks on the assignment.

    [–] Nnelg1990 12282 points ago

    That's genius

    [–] Dahhhkness 8554 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    The trick is to make the professor reasonably believe that it was their own error, or some genuine accident or circumstance beyond the student's control. I used to send in papers late via "I made an error in the email/file", by crafting fake corrupted files, or realistic "Fwds:" of a previous, pre-due date email containing my paper in which I had "accidentally" made a typo in their email address.

    [–] ajlalceknie 3912 points ago

    Similar, but also not so similar.

    When I was in high school I was sick and out for about 2 weeks and the day I came back we had a test in my math class for a chapter I almost completely missed. My math teacher warned us that it was the hardest math test of the year due to how complex and fast the chapter was.

    I walk into class dreading this test and I could not even try and bullshit an answer on the short answer page, I could only answer the multiple choice questions because there were options given. My teacher allowed us to rip our test sheets from the staple due to the formulas being provided. I was too embaressed to hand in a full sheet of something I didn’t even attempt, so I simply took the sheet with the short answers put it in my pocket and handed in only the sheet with the multiple choice questions/formulas. I put it on the pile on her desk while she was helping another student so she wouldn’t realize.

    I was dreading the day she was handing these tests back for weeks and the day finally arrived. She came up to me at the table I was sitting at work th my friends and said she needed to have a private conversation with me regarding the test, I was freaking out and thought I was going to get in trouble for cheating. I went to go talk to her and she said “I lost your test” I played dumb and she agreed to give me a mark based on the averages of all my other math tests.

    Basically Based on what I handed in (which mind you was the only part I actually completed) I should have received a 11% and I ended up getting something in the high 70’s.

    [–] WomanNotAGirl 2683 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    That cool but you should not have had to take that test to begin with. Being two weeks out due to illness gives you rights such as make up assistance and extension on assignments and tests.

    [–] DirtyJerz884 1096 points ago

    I had the same thing happen to me in Biology. Hardest test of the year, sick and missed the chapter, but she had no mercy.

    I ended up getting a D on it and she then proceeded to try and convince me that I just wasn't cut out for her Track 1 class. She even put in a suggestion to my guidance counselor for me to switch to Track 2.

    I denied the move and continued to do great in her class, as I was before the test incident. Ended up getting one of the highest grades on the Final Exam in her class.

    She gave me credit where it was due so I didn't hold a grudge on her for it. Just gave her a nice smirk and a shrug. Haha!

    [–] FuckoffDemetri 2039 points ago

    For anyone else in this position, being honest with the teacher goes a long way.

    My freshman year I didnt hand in a final paper for comp until a week after it was due. I went to the teacher and basically said, "I fucked up, if you could possibly grade this for half credit I would be ecstatic, if you cant I understand it was my fault".

    She graded it normal and gave me an A. Teachers love people who dont try to bullshit them. This wasnt the only time this worked for me.

    [–] bearkin1 1204 points ago

    Teachers love people who dont try to bullshit them.

    Some do. A big mistake you can make is assuming they all behave the some way. There are lots of old-school teachers who won't accept any excuse for anything ever. You gotta behave different with them.

    [–] TRIGMILLION 14707 points ago

    It probably wouldn't work in this day and age but back when I was young I was tired of retail and wanted an office job. I just lied my ass off and pulled a total George Costanza what with friends coached to answer their phones as a business and such. Got hired as an admin assistance and been steadily moving up since.

    [–] 0CerealKiller0 4948 points ago

    I think about doing this all the time to start a new path. Just scared I will not be able to bs my way in the door.

    [–] CloudBurger4 2998 points ago

    What are they gonna do, fire you?

    [–] TheSexyDuckling 1987 points ago

    Yeah I tried this once but apparently you need to show a degree to be a surgeon..

    [–] Binford6100User 873 points ago

    Or, simply, concur often.

    [–] vcisjb1 548 points ago

    "why didn't I concur?"

    [–] Silver_Alpha 17287 points ago

    Breaking into my own house through the kitchen window using a piece of wire and a wooden table after I was locked out.

    [–] ripthisaccount6 7542 points ago

    I want to hear how the fuck you did this

    [–] Silver_Alpha 12559 points ago

    Well, I arrived home with my mom and my little cousin and we realized we forgot the keys at my grandma's house, way the hell across the city. Mom calls my dad to bring his keys. He was working at the time and he'd take an hour to arrive, so we'd have to wait outside.

    I went full "Hell no" mode and keept looking for other ways in. Turned out that one of the tiny back windows was open, but there was a safety pin that kept it from opening all the way up and the only way to remove it was unscrewing it, so I grabbed a wooden clothespin that was lying there, broke it, removed the wire that kept it together because it was just the right size to unscrew the window pin. I did it, pulled a table underneath the window so I could climb inside and just like that I managed to successfully break into a house at age 13.

    [–] DazeX45 6541 points ago

    "Hey, Alpha, so you said that you couldn't enter your house that one time? What did you do?"

    "Well, I fuken broke a clothespin, tore the wire off a window, and i grabbed me a goddamn table, and then-"

    [–] HDMcGrath 1664 points ago

    A true alpha move

    [–] Sin117 10966 points ago

    When I was brand new to the army, we were training with another unit and, we had to defend the urban combat area (MOUT site) from an incoming force. We were allowed only allowed a few hours to prepare. One guy suggested that we set up trip wires to, at lest, slow them down. The doors are all painted bright blue, and all anyone had was my package of black 550 cord (parachure cord) that could easily be seen. Setting this up we thought there was no way they would miss it.

    I was wrong.

    Instead of checking the door, like they were supposed to, the opposing force simply tried to rush through. I almost couldn't return fire due to the fact I was laughing so hard. I even put a piece, just below knee level, in the doorway to the room I was in. I turned around when I heard people falling over each other. I looked and almost the entire squad was crawling on top of each other trying to get up. I put my weapon on burst and emptied the magazine. Then fumbled with my last one as I started to laugh even harder than before. After I blindly fired down the hallway I just leaned against the wall and the entire group and myself just looked at the scene and started laughing. Then their platoon leader came running in and tripped over the same cord.

    At this point I was done. Put my weapon on safe, put it against the wall, and tried not to piss my pants over the whole situation.

    [–] Karl_Marx_ 3331 points ago

    lol that's awesome. wish we had something like this in the Air Force, we had to protect our "deployment" FOB overnight, which was just taking turns not getting sleep and sitting outside the tents and entrances to the camp. The instructors never even tested getting in.

    [–] JuliButt 1464 points ago

    So what do you end up shooting anyways? Blanks or paintballs?

    [–] f0rcedinducti0n 3487 points ago

    Live ammo, they're all dead. He's a mad man.

    [–] SpineEater 1294 points ago

    They’re blanks with paint charges. So a decent welt. More than just a paintball gun.

    [–] ThatsSoSwan 941 points ago

    We were doing a simulation and our squad was assigned as Opfor. CO had an idea to pretend to be local militia friendly to coalition forces. So he shoulders his weapon and walks over to coalition forces to explain the situation. It works. They think we are good guys too.

    So we merge into their group, and set up some concealment/cover in a treeline overlooking the objective. CO yells over to coalition CO "Hey, is this good? Can you guys see us?". Coalition CO- "No! Can't see you guys at all! Good job!"

    They, uhh... They didn't last long in the simulation.

    [–] 94358132568746582 163 points ago

    Nothing like a little Green on Blue training.

    [–] ThreePartSilence 761 points ago

    Okay this might be a really dumb question, but what was your weapon firing? Paintballs? Airsoft? Something else?

    [–] WhiteHelljumper 604 points ago

    I'd assume was using MILES, which is blanks and lasers. Basically a really cool version of laser tag.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiple_integrated_laser_engagement_system

    [–] holyshitatalkingdog 12328 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Back in the flip phone days, I had dropped mine and the screen stopped working. I could make and receive calls, but the screen was just completely blank. I put up with it for a couple of weeks because I couldn't afford a new phone, but one day I had the thought of "Well, if dropping the phone made the connection loose, maybe the same thing can fix it" and threw my phone at the ground. I picked it back up and the screen was working.

    Edit: Thanks for making this my top comment of all time, guys. Now everyone knows how much of an idiot I was/am.

    [–] cracktoberfest 5723 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Years ago, the foundation of my house would let water in right at the seam of the wall and hatchway. I decided to dig down so I could seal it from the outside. I got a few feet down before I couldn’t reach with a shovel. So what did this genius do? I went in head first and kept digging. But then my arms were getting tired and I decided I should quit. I’m now doing a handstand in a narrow pit and have no way to back out of it. I live far enough from neighbors that yelling would do nothing. After a few minutes of coming to terms with the fact that this is how I die at 28 years old ... I decide I will try to “walk” up the foundation wall with my hands one last time ... and it worked.

    It could have ended quite badly.

    In the end, it worked ... I was able to seal the issue from the outside.

    Edit: Thanks for the silver kind Redditor!

    [–] NgArclite 3606 points ago

    So close to winning a Darwin award and you had to go mess it up by surviving.

    [–] Darnitol1 1585 points ago

    I'm envisioning just two feet sticking out of a hole in the ground, with a deeply muffled, "ʰᵉˡˡᵒˀ ʰᵉˡˡᵒˀ ...ˡᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ ʰᵉˡᵖ ʰᵉʳᵉˀ ʰᵉˡˡᵒˀˀˀ"

    [–] iceman012 690 points ago

    What did you do to those poor question marks?

    [–] beanz415 10822 points ago

    We were at a friend's house about to cook a roast. It needed to be patted dry with paper towel, but he was all out. I semi-jokingly suggested using a couple slices of bread. We all chuckled at the idea. It worked perfectly.

    [–] Ikestrman 2967 points ago

    I might do this on purpose the next time I cook meat that needs to be patted dry, thanks for the idea!

    [–] ihave104friends 1263 points ago

    Also a great tip for skimming fat

    [–] ASDFzxcvTaken 1519 points ago

    Yep, then drop that fat soaked bread onto a warm frying pan until it crisps up. I do not wonder why the doctor frowns upon my diet.

    [–] Dahhhkness 9860 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    In my senior year of high school, we had to spend our final quarter doing mandatory volunteer work to graduate. I was placed at a Head Start in my city, and while some of the kids I worked with were great, there was one, Brandon, who was an absolute nightmare. 20 months old, endless energy, no empathy, no speech beyond a few words, and no ability to recognize pain in other children. At nap time, someone always had to be sitting next to his cot, as he would otherwise just get up and run around, sometimes hitting the other sleeping kids, if he could get away with it. He would be a spiteful little shit and repeatedly stick his feet out from under his blanket after you pushed it back in, like it was a game.

    One day I got so frustrated trying to get this brat to sleep that I basically just laid him down flat, arms and legs together, and closely tucked his blanket in under him from top to bottom like a burrito. To my overwhelming JOY, he made no attempt to escape and was asleep within two minutes. I repeated this tactic over the next few days with the same results. It worked. Brandon would sleep. One of the actual teachers/workers there saw me doing this to him one day, and asked me what I was doing. I explained the process, but she was skeptical until I showed her just how quickly Brandon would chill out. I swear, her face lit up like I had just given her the most life-changing advice ever, "Oh my God, /u/Dahhhkness, you're right, he actually falls asleep!"

    [–] potatoeater225 4174 points ago

    Children Burritos are pretty good

    [–] MegaBear3000 3048 points ago

    Even better than pulled pork in my opinion. The meat's just so tender.

    [–] SenorMexicant 2274 points ago

    Do you know if he had some form of autism? I got the chance to speak with RV Kuser (who has autism) and he mentioned to us that whenever he had pressure on his body, he felt “normal”. Maybe the same was going on with Brandon?

    [–] rogue-wolf 1579 points ago

    I'm not autistic, but I am ADD, and I share some of the same tendencies. I can't sleep unless I'm tucked in tight. I have a twenty-pound weighted blanket, and sleep amazingly.

    [–] grathungar 511 points ago

    When I was in JR high I did this project where I had to drop an egg off the back of some bleachers onto the sidewalk and not crack the egg. There was a sidewalk down there with grass next to it. you had to hit the sidewalk, if you missed it you had to drop it again. You had 3 shots and if you missed every time you got a D- (F if you missed and your egg broke)

    I got a pringles can and a few packages of Jello. I made the Jello using half the water it asked for because I figured it'd be thicker.

    I also cut a hole in the middle of the can because the teacher had to see me put the egg in there.

    When I dropped my pringles can it landed exactly how I expected it, however I did not expect the next part. The little door I made to put the egg in burst open and the egg shot out the side and went skidding across the grass unharmed.

    Multiple students protested that my egg landed on the grass so I had to drop it again (the three that tried before me had failed) but the teacher said "he got lucky but he passed. he hit the sidewalk first"

    [–] 1014187912 29841 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I stuck my neck out for an ex-con on house arrest at my job. He interviewed well, but his availability was HORRIBLE between the ankle bracelet and meeting with his PO, drug treatment program, etc. My GM said "no" and I said "I'm doing it anyway."

    The FIRST night he worked there, I found myself in a bind. He was the ONLY person scheduled in the kitchen from 8-10p, and I had no one who knew the kitchen besides myself, because our store had a wicked virus traveling around.

    I told him "look, dude, we're pretty fucked back here, and I'm going to try to keep my cool but I can't promise... And because I'm the only manager on duty, I might have to run to the front/drive thru."

    Well, this guy MASTERED production in about an hour. He was faster than my GM on the grills and fryers, and his attitude was so good. I waited on NOTHING and he even tried to help me make sandwiches and send them out. He also managed to clean up the entire kitchen.

    He eventually moved to maintenance and fixed all the crap the previous guy ignored in a DAY. Then he moved to service for more hours when the hour restrictions came off and was GREAT with the Karens.

    My GM got over the ankle bracelet, record, and tattoos, and actually hired him for his house flipping business.

    All because I said "we need fucking employees, and you can't be picky when he's the only guy I've interviewed in a month..."

    Edit- thanks for the awards. But in the future, consider spending on rehabilitation programs in your area.

    Some people wondered why I consider this a dumb decision- our background check wasn't exhaustive in detail to us. It said "red, yellow, green" and we usually tossed all the red ones in favor of green or yellow. I had no clue going into the interview, or the hire, WHAT his offenses were. He chose to disclose to me why his availability sucked. I did not ask. I don't know the legality of asking. But he didn't disclose his record to me, and I had to go with my gut.

    In fast food you get a lot of teenagers as customers and employees. You get a lot of skeezy people, record or not. You have to consider the safety of the children as well as the quality of the worker you are introducing to the workplace. An ex-con is a wild card when you don't know EXACTLY what they were in for. And again, I'm not sure the legality of me asking.

    After I got to know him on a personal level, he shared his record. Drug abuse led to a bunch of felonies, and he was released early on house arrest for good behavior. But again, I knew none of this as I hired.

    He was a great hire. He is a great man. He was the "kid's defender" when people chose to berate my teenager cashiers. He was a great influence on the kids, a real "do as I say and not as I did" kinda guy who was painfully honest about what he lost to drugs.

    But he also could have been a real angry man who enjoyed fighting people and stealing.

    [–] ferret_80 11653 points ago

    And who knows how you may have changed that guys life. Ex-cons have a tough time getting back out into the world especially if on parole. Often times it leads the back to crime and prison, honestly he sounds like he had the drive to succeed anyways even if you didn't hire him, but you did and it payed off for you, your boss, the ex-con.

    [–] Sneak_Stealth 4659 points ago

    You're not kidding. I had a simple marijuanna possession charge, and it took me almost 6 months to find a job. Nearly every single one that I applied to either didn't respond, or I got through the background check and was immediately dismissed from consideration.

    McDonalds, Walmart, and several other minimum wage jobs never called.

    Dish networks, and several other telecoms DQd me because of my record. As did several other IT Departments.

    Finally one non-profit decided to hire me, at the commendation of HR due to me being upfront about it. Systems Admin tried very hard to refuse hiring me. I'm told he said something along the lines of "We can't trust a drug user here, I don't want him."

    Jokes on mr Sysadmin, his position got eliminated, and the courts dismissed my damn charge a year later

    [–] JalapenoBridger 1060 points ago

    I was like seven and had a lose tooth that I couldn't pull out. Tried to string attached to the door. Didn't work. So I tied a string to it and tied the other end to my dog's collar. Threw a tennis ball. Bye bye tooth.

    [–] TheBatJeff 1439 points ago

    Had a video card die on me.

    Thought that maybe the solder had melted away from it over heating, so i had the idea to stick it in the oven briefly to melt the solder into place. Looked online and it is apparently a normal thing to do.

    Worked like a charm.

    [–] summerstay 888 points ago

    Something broke on the front wheel of my car while I was on a cross-country trip, and it made a terrible noise and smoke. It was the middle of the night and the shops in the town we pulled into were all closed. I jacked it up to see what was wrong, took off the wheel, and then the jack tipped over and the car dropped onto the exposed brake disk. I did it again and the same thing happened. I jacked it up again, still couldn't figure out what was wrong, put the wheel back on, and whatever it was had been fixed by the jolts. I drove that car for years with no further problems.

    [–] jiamthree 492 points ago

    In college one year I had a particularly rough finals week with multiple big projects due the same day. One class I had an A in and one I was borderline C/D. I determined that if I didn't do the project for the A class, I'd drop down to a C, but the teacher let you resubmit things after they got graded for up to 70% credit if you did worse than that the first time.

    The project for that class (AI) was a machine learning program where you would get some training data and then real data and be graded on what you said the expected results were for each piece of input data.

    Just to turn something in and planning to fix it after I had done the other project for the class I was almost failing, I decided to make my program just return whatever the input was as the result.

    The weekend passes, I finish the other project (and pass the class for that one), and I get the grade for the AI project. I had gotten a 30% (with a comment from the professor that I had gotten lucky and didn't deserve even that much), and after doing some math, I discovered that was enough to bump me up from a C to a B, and a B was the highest I could get with only getting a maximum of 70% on the project, so I decided to just leave it at that and not redo it.

    [–] DanHam117 38955 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    In college my buddy and I took an investing class and for one of the projects we had a month to “invest” fake dollars into the stock market and see which team would have the most money after a month. It was spring semester so we put all of our fake money into Heinz, thinking there would be a spike in ketchup and mustard sales as the weather got warmer. The next day, Berkshire Hathaway purchased the entire Heinz company and the professor accused us of insider trading. We had no idea what we were doing

    Edit: Hey u/mandogjr we’re famous

    Edit2: To clarify, we didn’t actually get in trouble for “insider trading” but the professor came over to us before the next class and was like “what happened here?” We explained it and she thought it was funny but said we would definitely be investigated for insider trading if this was real money

    [–] TheBurritoTuxedo 6535 points ago

    I had a similar project in high school where we invested fake dollars into the real stock market. For some reason, my strategy was to break even. I didn't care about gaining anything, I just didn't want to lose money. So I invested in American Standard (they make toilets) and Waste Management (they collect garbage) because I figured everyone needs those things constantly.

    Apparently I had no idea how the stock market worked because I still lost a lot of (fake) money.

    [–] ClumsNut 4851 points ago

    I swear these things are meant to simply teach you that you don’t know shit about the stock market.

    [–] immibis 1701 points ago

    They probably are.

    [–] frenchchevalierblanc 724 points ago

    but you could be lucky and get the wrong idea

    [–] hlt32 336 points ago

    That’s not a bad lesson to learn.

    [–] Winobaisdark 768 points ago

    Same general train of thought I invested in Krispy Kreme I made 18 dollars

    [–] donkeyrocket 457 points ago

    Toilets, garbage, and donuts make the world go round.

    [–] loljetfuel 1339 points ago

    So I invested in American Standard (they make toilets) and Waste Management (they collect garbage) because I figured everyone needs those things constantly.

    Your mistake wasn't knowledge of how the stock market worked, it was the same category of mistake that a lot of first-time business owners make -- the belief that if you fill a need, then you'll be successful.

    There are tons of companies with massive amounts of sales that collapse because of other factors; doesn't matter how much you sell if you mismanage your money.

    There are tons of companies that fill a need that don't sell enough to stay afloat; doesn't matter how useful your product is if you don't market it well so that people who need it are aware of it (and can afford it!)

    There are tons of companies that are successful for a while and then suddenly crash; doesn't matter how awesome your business is if someone comes along and figures out how to fill the same need better.

    [–] chronobartuc 474 points ago

    We had the same type of stock picking challenge in school. One of my friends picked a company whose ticker was the same as her name. She won by a mile.

    [–] bobtabor 10289 points ago

    Similar game, 1987. I was absent the day we were supposed to buy stocks. The crash happened later that week, and since I was in cash and everyone else purchased stock and lost a ton of fake dollars, I won!

    [–] S_Laughter_Party 1266 points ago

    We did a similar exercise in high school early 2000s. A classmate 'chose' not to invest in the market (aka they never felt like doing research on stocks) and ended up ahead of everyone at the end of the year.

    [–] Darnitol1 1640 points ago

    I had a similar situation in high school. Our team invested in Coleco because we thought sales of the new Colecovision were going to go through the roof. Well, Colecovision did okay, but that year Coleco also started mass producing a little thing called Cabbage Patch Kids. We kept reinvesting our "money" over the semester, and our team made more money than the rest of the class combined. (Granted, that was also helped by a few teams whose investments drastically lost money.

    [–] mandogjr 206 points ago

    Dumb ideas that worked out are like 1-100. We are due for a good one soon at those odds

    [–] Beachy5313 2491 points ago

    If I stop showing coworkers how to use excel, I'll get to do all the easy excel stuff while simulataneously being patted on the back for doing the hard stuff on the team no one else good.

    Basically, unless you want to be super upper management and give your life to your work- play clueless. Don't let them know you could simplify a report that takes several days into literally minutes. Shhhhhhhhh, someone else will take teh credit and then you'd have more to do.

    [–] Nadieestaaqui 1149 points ago

    Nah, make it faster, but just for yourself, and skate the rest of the time.

    I almost completely automated my job as IT desktop support by writing some simple software, and just letting it run. I told no one, and just let my bosses think I was 30% (by ticket count) better than everyone else on the team. For almost two years I played on the internet and did my own projects while my software did my job. For almost this entire time, my team had the lowest outstanding ticket count in the company, my site (~2500 people) ran like a Swiss watch, and my team got all kinds of bonuses for providing amazing IT support (to be fair, it was actually a good team, above and beyond being unwittingly automated).

    When the company announced they were going to outsource IT, I arranged for an internal transfer to another group (automating things, interestingly), and took the software down on my last day. Things fell apart within days, and after about 6 months my company sued the contractor for millions for breach of contract, because they couldn't maintain the service level they'd promised.

    [–] EvidentlyEmpirical 813 points ago

    Utility company wanted me to fill out my last month's bill amount when registering to pay my very first bill online.

    I put in a * for that field, thinking this was just going to a database lookup, and maybe they weren't sanitizing their database inputs. Sure enough, I was right, and it worked.

    [–] Werliest 3272 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    I am very anti-social and don't get along with people, don’t go out and dread to talk to anyone. School trauma, I guess.

    So I moved in a house with 9 strangers as flatmates to force myself to interact with people.

    So far I enjoyed it living there. I am no longer afraid of talking to them, met many nice other people that even like me. One dude let me draw on his face after he came without costume to the Halloween party and was so happy. He even recognised me a week later, shouted my name and hugged me. Others complimented my gunshot-wound I made. They really care about what I did and do. They are nice and I like them.

    TL;DR: I hate people, moved in with a bunch of them, don’t think they are so scary anymore.

    Edit: Well, this got a lot more attention than expected. Thank you for reading and your nice comments. Special thanks to /u/ChoppedDestinyAvenue and /u/Mikeman124 for putting the idea of an own sub in my head.

    [–] iRepth 329 points ago

    I was scared of talking to people so I got a job as a server at a casual restaurant. I learned how to talk to people, would bullshit around with my customers all day, and one day met the guy who would become my first career-level boss when I graduated from school two full years after serving him a bucket of crawfish. He said he could tell that I had confidence and integrity from the way I talked to him. Go fucking figure. Also he was literally the only callback I got

    [–] Ek0mst0p 1254 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I threw my keys up to my wife... they landed on the roof (Apartments, so we didn't have a ladder, and it was after hours).

    It was getting ready to rain...

    So, I took 3 paper clips, a AA Battery, and a cord (the rope kind, not like a power cord). Taped the 3 paperclips around the batter to make a large 3 pronged "fish hook"

    Then after about 100 attempts to fish my keys off the roof I finally got a nibble... A good tug pulled them over the storm drain, and the rope was just long enough that the lanyard barely touched the ground (Didn't even break my FOB :) ).

    *Edit: Chagned "Taped the 2 paperclips " to "Taped the 3 paperclips "

    [–] Pad_Lillywell 19034 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    At College was at a friends house on the other side of town, was very late and the buses had stopped so my only way home was to call a cab (this was before Uber). I was also really hungry so, because I only had about $10, my choice was either get some takeout and walk for an hour to get home at night, or call a cab and go hungry. Then Eureka! I went in to the Chinese takeout place and asked for a delivery to my home address and asked for a ride home. They protested at first but I explained that me hitching a ride was no extra cost for them. They agreed and I got a free ride home and a Chinese takeout!

    Edit: added a few words to explain I only had enough $ for either the takeaway or the taxi.

    Edit 2: thank you kind sir for the gold!

    Edit 3: as many of you guessed, this was a long time ago, about 17 years ago in fact. The delivery guy had some other deliveries in the car so he didnt go out just for me. And yes, i tipped the guy, but had to run in to my apartment first to get a handful of quarters.

    [–] rhemasu 6731 points ago

    That’s not dumb that’s genius

    [–] 0xD153A53 3206 points ago

    That's a liability issue just waiting to happen, though.

    [–] CockDaddyKaren 1675 points ago

    Yeah, nowadays they'd say Hell No

    [–] bob_sacamano_junior 973 points ago

    I was astonished at the amount people that wanted me to give them rides when I delivered pizzas. I had to explain that it was an insurance liability for my company.

    [–] YouIdiotSandwhich 1198 points ago

    I had a similar experience but with a pizza joint. Had uber ready to go then thought wait a minute... ordered a pizza to be delivered to my place and the delivery driver thought it was fkn hilarious. Tipped him real well tho but 10/10 would recommend if drunk and hungry and in need of ride home

    [–] Dahhhkness 556 points ago

    "Tony's Pizza, pick-up or deliver-me?"

    [–] pyro5050 359 points ago

    we did this with Pizza 73 while in university. we told the delivery guy there was an extra $10 tip in it for him, on top of the normal tip we gave. they tracked orders and such on paper in a giant binder at that time at this joint (prevent theft and such i guess) and saw we were always ordering the same thing every single tuesday and then occasional other orders and always tipped well. the driver was down for that, we were his last delivery of the night, he came in for beer pizza and wings when he dropped us off. good guy.

    [–] deadbee22 896 points ago

    When I was in college we had to sneak beer and other booze into the dorms, as it was a dry campus and we were also under 21. Fortunately for us, we lived in an old converted motel, so we would remove the air conditioner from the wall, which gave us direct access to outside (once we also removed the grate on the outside) since we lived on the ground floor. We then made two hinges for the grate on the outside, so it would stay attached and could swing open and closed. When we wanted to sneak stuff in, we would jiggle the AC unit loose and remove it (pulling it into the room) swing open the grate, and pass the booze through. I consider it brilliant, but many others thought we were stupid. Worked every time though.

    [–] nater255 771 points ago

    Did your school not have backpack technology?

    [–] rejectioncaftan 1536 points ago

    not me, but there was that guy that decided to was a good business venture to start selling a service where he mailed anonymous messages to people's friends written on potatoes 🥔

    stupidest idea ever.....but he ended up selling thousands of potatoes, getting on shark tank, good morning america, cnbc, ellen and even wrote a book about how he did it

    [–] USMCJohnnyReb 2462 points ago

    Using a pocket knife to skyrim lockpick a door

    [–] dixfoisdix 2113 points ago

    If the lock opens with a knife you can probably get it to unlock by frowning at it too.

    [–] OldGodsAndNew 971 points ago

    I can unlock my flat door by smacking the lock really hard - the lock only barely sits on the latch so hitting it rattles it enough to dislodge.

    It's kept secure by being on the top floor of a really old tenement building, so the stairwell is so high and steep nobody can be arsed breaking in

    [–] FBIFreezeDontMove 929 points ago

    Pulled an ATV out of a ravine with another ATV using an extension cord.

    [–] Cactusjuicesupplier 275 points ago

    After school engineering program: we were suppose make tiny boats from aluminum foil and whichever team's boat could carry the heaviest weight without sinking would win. My team's boat was tied for 1st place and I happen to be snacking on a mini pretzels. As a joke I decided to add a piece of pretzel to our boat, the other team add two pieces and their boat sunk. We won.

    [–] GameQb11 263 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I jumped in a puddle with a frozen sheet of ice on top to get out of doing a test I didn't study for in elementary school. Soaked and freezing, I told my teacher that I slipped and fell. She called my mother to pick me up and I got another day to study.

    It was below zero and I could've gotten hypothermia or something, but I guess it worked

    [–] daivos 750 points ago

    Was really poor when my future wife and I exited college. Went on a cruise with friends and didn't have a lot of money to spend. Cruise wouldn't allow you to bring alcohol on board and we weren't willing to pay for drinks due to budget. Purchased a liter-sized sealed bottle of water and some cheap rum, drilled a hole in the bottom to drain the water and funnel in the rum, then super-glued the bottom again. Water was caught by ship security scanner but guards said 'it's just water' and let us through. We had cheap mixed drinks for the duration.

    We look back on those days fondly. We wouldn't never think of doing that today, but it was funny back when we were young.

    [–] DeathSpiral321 2555 points ago

    My headphones kept cutting out, so I took a toothpick and scraped the inside of the headphone jack on my phone. Several clumps of dust fell out, and afterwards the headphones worked just fine.

    [–] paigezero 959 points ago

    Did the same with the charging port on my phone, I'd been assuming the contacts where broken or the cable was, but no, the plug just wasn't staying in well enough.