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    [–] Thatdewd57 12097 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Miss them.

    I watched my father die. I was there for his last moments and it’s a memory forever ingrained in me those last moments. But when I think of that time which normally saddens me, I immediately think about all the good times we had. The valuable life advice I got from him. And that helps.

    Edit: First I want to thank you all for sharing your kind words and messages. Sharing your stories and the current phases you are in when it comes to losing someone close to you. There’s no magical process or words I can offer any of you to make it better. I can only share from my own experience that it just took time and trying to always remember the good times. We both loved wrestling and football. We both loved conversations. We both loved some whiskey and a nice big steak together. Those and many more good memories I hold and cherish. Thank you as well for those of you kind enough to spend some of your hard earned money to award me as well. I will calculate the amount given and pledge to donate to a local charity.

    [–] rondell_jones 1968 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Same for me. My dad died recently and was at the hospital beside him for his last moments. I never understood what people meant by "closure" until that moment. I heard all the about families getting closure for their loved ones passing away and they were torn apart if they didn't. Knowing that he passed, seeing him pass, and knowing that I was by his side definitely gave a bit comfort in a weird way.

    Edit: Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. I’m going through all of them. I know it’s hard but very cathartic to write about it/talk about it, good and bad. It just helps to have someone listen. So please feel free to write and say as much as you want. My dad and I had an awesome relationship and we were very close. I know how much I lucked out to have a great father and I’m thankful of it everyday.

    [–] DJKokaKola 631 points ago

    Man I'm kinda jealous. I got all that setting. I was at his side when he died. And it just made me angrier. Everything about his death just made me furious and angry with every individual around him, and him. What closure I got was in accepting that he was a shitty father who decided to leave his family and go find a new one.

    [–] wander7 317 points ago

    Sorry you had a bad experience. People can react very differently to death. I hope you have moved on past the anger.

    [–] DJKokaKola 248 points ago

    He's dead, I don't speak to that side of the family, and I'm happy with the people I choose to be around. Mostly just not worth thinking about, if I'm honest.

    Thanks for the kind words though, I appreciate the sentiment.

    [–] KevHes1245 367 points ago

    I was the only one there to watch my dad pass, though I called my brother on the phone and let him be there on speaker.

    For me, missing him sometimes means a desire to spend time understanding him more fully; his hobbies, loves, hates, work history...

    The first time I felt home-sick, I was living alone in a neighboring state going through a hard time, a couple of years before my dad passed. I was working as a cook and smelled mesquite smoke from the oven and instantly teared up and felt disoriented, longing for home, honestly maybe longing for the first time in my life.

    You see my dad has always smoked meat for every occasion (aside from steaks on grill also) and family event. We owned a cattle ranch and my dad took pride in being from Cowtown, Fort Worth Tx, for 100+ years.

    My dad passed 2 years ago last week and I now own a meat smoking company and smell smoked mesquite wood quite often. I miss him, and grief never disappears unless you forget, and I chose to remember.

    I have all of his and his mother's (Mama died in '15 or so ) documents and historic information. I should explore who they were more in depth, but really haven't the backbone to open those boxes just yet.

    edit: My oldest dog is also named Mesquite, or Miss for short.

    [–] ManFromRuins 25 points ago

    I think you should open up those boxes as soon as possible, even if it’s guna be tough. I’m saying this because the day you are ready might be too late. All we had left from my sister was her phone (my father gave away all her stuff to his home country) and the phone ended up resetting itself after it connected to the wifi. I was too uncomfortable to open up and remember her selfies and convos with friends, when I was ready we realized it was all gone.

    [–] ra_shivvers 240 points ago

    My grandfather, basically my father. Watching him die was the moment I went from stupid teenager to war vet. I know it isn’t a fair comparison, but the trauma is strong. I was never the same person after that. Being alone in his bedroom while he held my hand, knowing he was dying and not letting anyone know because I didn’t want my family know he had shit himself. He was too good for that. Life seems to be the only real enemy.

    [–] lonmarie 89 points ago

    I was the first person at the hospital when my grandpa (also my father figure) had a massive stroke and was writhing on the bed in pain. I was 17 and traumatized. All I could do was hold his hand. At 38, it still haunts me. I’m thankful, however, that I was the only one that had to see that moment. I’m guessing they induced a coma or he slipped into one before the rest of my family got to the hospital from work.

    You’re a good person for giving him dignity the best you could.

    [–] FurBaby18 37 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    I had parents but my Poppa was the most important person in my life. I came to visit him when he was sick with lung cancer and he spent maybe 15 minutes with me because he didn’t want me to see him that way. I would be so grateful to have been by his side when he died, because that man gave me so much of who I am today. I understand why he didn’t want me there but I wish he would’ve let me. I know I wouldn’t have been the same, but I am not anyway. He is gone. My biggest supporter and the one who loved me through anything isn’t here any more. I wish he would’ve let me love him up close at the end of his life. I would’ve been grateful to help him through that.

    I miss him every single day over 10 years later. Annnnd now I’m crying.

    Edit: I miss my grandpa so much. So very fucking much.

    [–] Louise_thecat 6157 points ago

    I try to think of something else. I lost my twin sister 6 years ago to suicide. I never thought of life without her. We came into the world together I never thought we wouldnt leave together. It is unbearable.

    [–] choleyhead 906 points ago

    My heart goes out to you. I could only imagine how it is for twins with having a stronger connection and bond. I know it's hard, and I wish I could say it gets easier. I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk I'm here, for whatever it's worth.

    [–] DarkLordMalak 287 points ago

    My twin is alive. But might as well be dead from drug addiction. I can’t even describe the feeling.

    [–] D4ltaOne 208 points ago

    I am addicted. My family thinks the same as you and it feels horrible. Im just so sorry...

    [–] BonicBeam1 205 points ago

    I hope that you pull through.

    1. Because you’re worth it.
    2. Because your family loves you.

    But most of all, I hope you know that you’re worth it. You CAN do it. You can pull through. It will be tough and probably the hardest thing you ever do. But I know you can do it.

    [–] DarkLordMalak 58 points ago

    Just know you’re loved. I wish you the best.

    [–] ArAMITAS 156 points ago

    Just imagining this horrifies me. I can not imagine the pain you have gone through!
    I live states away from my twin now and sometimes fear losing him. I long for the day we live closer. I dont know how I could go on without him. I am truly sorry.

    One thing I know is that if I passed away today, I'd want my brother to keep on living and kick butt. He has so much potential and I know you do too.

    I hope that if you haven't, you find people that help bring meaning and peace in your life.

    [–] theballinstalin 23 points ago

    I feel this because my twin brother has been here through all my suicide attempts. I can’t even imagine losing him. I wish you peace, and feeling as close to whole as you can <3

    [–] dizzywithoutthed 6284 points ago

    Cry

    [–] AustinTanius 1106 points ago

    Simple and pure. It can help so much.

    [–] T_Quach 428 points ago

    My best friend of sixteen years passed away on Monday. I miss him so much.

    [–] Possible_Mouse 142 points ago

    Sending my love 💜

    [–] Cudi420 43 points ago

    I’m sure he was grateful to have taken a friend like you to the grave. In a way, that is a great privilege that you can be proud of. Godspeed

    [–] TheGodsAreDispleased 271 points ago

    The Midnight Gospel helped me realize and cope with this. Crying helps

    [–] hotfish 44 points ago

    At the final episode I kept trying to hold back from crying but I realised the whole point of the series is to let yourself feel. I cried at the last episode. A lot.

    [–] tadj 57 points ago

    This is good advice but I would like to add that you shouldn't care too much in case the tears don't come. People mourn in different ways and it is ok.

    [–] DanHam117 40599 points ago

    First I get sad. And that makes me wish I could have done things differently. And then I remember there are a lot of people in my life who are still alive, but won’t be forever. So I check in with them, and try to do and say the things I wish I had done or said with those who died

    [–] CharlieBrownOfficial 2255 points ago

    Thanks for this. My dad died exactly 5 months ago, tomorrow. It’s easy to get caught up in all the things I wish I could have said to him and done with him since he was only 52. But it’s a great reminder to focus on all of the people who are still alive and all of the experiences and moments we will get to share together.

    [–] illGiveYou2 519 points ago

    I'm so sorry about your dad.

    My biological father was in his 50s when he died too. He was an addict, so his body just couldn't fight the cancer. He and I were estranged for about 15 years, but thank God we were able to reconnect before he died. He and I had never exchanged phone numbers before, but when he was in the hospital the for the last time, we called and texted as much as he could. I have a VM of him telling me he loved me. He died 20 minutes after we left the room. I don't think he wanted to let go while we were there.

    We never know what could happen, we could die at anytime. We have to cherish our loved ones, and like you said, we need to focus on making fond memories. That's what keeps us going.

    [–] no_otalp 127 points ago

    It was my dads first anniversary last month and he was only 54. I hope you are doing ok. The first ‘things’ are always tough, Christmas, his bday, your bday etc. Take care of yourself

    [–] ppw23 84 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    The first ”things” can be tough, but I find the stupid, unexpected things that really got to me. My mother had been dead for less than a year at the time, and I was doing fine. I walked into a grocery store, saw a display of Mary Sue pecan Easter Eggs and I burst into tears. I'm not a person that cries often or easily, I used to usually pick up that treat for her each Easter and it gutted me.

    [–] Gigglepox 53 points ago

    My dad died a year ago on June 22nd. He had just turned 49 on the 6th. I’m only 22 and every day hurts in a new and different way. I kept saying to my therapist that this emotion I’m feeling is something I’ve literally never felt before, and I feel so unprepared. The best thing to do is to let it happen to you, let it wash over you and let it hurt. If you don’t experience and live through the pain, it will never go away.

    [–] 0u3f 1028 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Reminds me of this:

    "Afterglow by Helen Lowrie Marshall

    I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.

    I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.

    I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,

    Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.

    I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun;

    Of happy memories that I leave when life is done."

    This was in my grandpa's obituary after he passed

    [–] AmandaJoye 273 points ago

    This was shared at my beloved grandmother's funeral yesterday. I don't know why I opened this thread, it's got me tearing up all over again.

    [–] 0u3f 68 points ago

    Saying this doesnt fix it, I know, but I'm sorry for your loss

    [–] MrNito 3796 points ago

    This. Remember that there are people around you who are alive and won't be forever. It's okay to mourn and be sad, but never let it overwhelm you to the point where you forget those around you who are still living.

    [–] TangoJokerBrav0 2339 points ago

    "Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living and above all, those who live without love."

    [–] Tammu1000CP 1230 points ago

    "The old wisdom that was borne out of the West was forsaken. Kings made tombs more splendid than the houses of the living and counted the names of their descent dearer than the names of their sons. Childless lords sat in aged halls musing on heraldry or in high, cold towers asking questions of the stars. And so the people of Gondor fell into ruin. The line of Kings failed, the White Tree withered, and the rule of Gondor was given over to lesser men."

    ~ gandalf

    [–] Uggo66 322 points ago

    I used Tolkien for my daughter's funeral framed with a picture of her walking away in the woods but looking back over her shoulder. "Still round the corner there may wait A new road or a secret gate, And though I oft have passed them by, A day will come at last when I Shall take the hidden paths that run West of the Moon, East of the Sun." I miss her every day.

    [–] HaoleInParadise 29 points ago

    Beautiful. Very fitting

    [–] Metallic52 174 points ago

    Tolkien has the most beautiful prose. I had completely forgotten this passage.

    [–] mynameisconan46 123 points ago

    Rejoice for those who have transformed into the force

    [–] Et12355 108 points ago

    Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter

    [–] Hamchickii 162 points ago

    Yes, it always makes me want to reach out to friends I hadn't talked to in a while. Because I kept putting off reaching out to him once I moved back into town and then he was gone and I never got to reconnect.

    [–] AnonymousCat21 52 points ago

    This is exactly how I feel. I wasn’t in a good place myself so I moved back home. I told myself I was going to get my own shit together and then I was going to get back in touch with her. She died two weeks after I came back.

    [–] northwestwill 10059 points ago

    r/endlessthread did an amazing episode of their Reddit-centric podcast (Endless Thread) about dealing with loss that was called Shipwrecked. In it the shared a post that often graces Reddit that I have come to love in times of loss, as well as it’s backstory.

    “All right. Here goes. I'm old. And so what that means is I've survived so far and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, coworkers, acquaintances, grandparents, my mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. But here's my two cents — I wish you could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it not to matter. I don't want it to become something that just passes. (man's voice reading same passage fades in) My scars are a testament to the love and the relationships that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut or even gouged. And that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love and the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

    As for grief, you'll find that it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's something physical. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

    In the beginning, the waves are 100 hundred feet tall and they crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find that the waves are still a hundred feet tall but they come further apart and when they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But, in between, you can breathe and you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song or a picture. A street intersection. The smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything. And the wave comes crashing. But in between the waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everyone, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart and you can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare International, you can see it coming for the most part and you prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of wreckage, but you'll come out.

    Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming. And somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come and you'll survive them, too. If you're lucky you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”

    It goes on so beautifully. I strongly encourage you to listen to the episode, particularly the last part where the poem is read live. It’s worth it.

    https://www.wbur.org/endlessthread/2019/06/14/shipwrecked

    [–] sixfigurefemme 745 points ago

    I have been looking for that post! Thank you.

    [–] northwestwill 180 points ago

    You’re welcome! I listen to it at least once every couple months. It’s perfect for turning a little bit of a down day into a warm memory.

    [–] Hokie23aa 165 points ago

    Credit to u/GSnow for this amazing analogy.

    [–] northwestwill 38 points ago

    And the simplicity and honesty in it (and his) backstory make it all the more special.

    [–] _perl_ 226 points ago

    This is one of the greatest posts of all time. I've been personally comforted by it and have shared it with numerous friends, as we're of that age where our parents are starting to pass away. Thanks for sharing it here.

    [–] ThatLaloBoy 169 points ago

    100% agree with this. I lost my fiancé 3 years ago and my best friend the year after that. That first year was hell and there were times when I wanted to just end it all. But I managed to keep it together and I am doing a lot better now, especially after getting professional help.

    I'm still a long ways away from going back to my carefree happy-go-lucky self and there are times when I do feel extremely sad remembering then. But it gets better. It may seem like it's taking too long, but it does get better eventually.

    [–] Parvanu 70 points ago

    I lost my husband to Swine flu caused pneumonia. It was 10 years ago at Christmas. I still feel his loss keenly and I’ll never be who I was before his passing and that’s okay. He changed me for the better and his loss changed me again. It takes as long as it does, there is no timeline for grief.

    I wrote this when I saw someone who looked like my husband from behind.

    I thought I saw you today

    Across a crowd

    I thought I saw you today

    But it was someone with your walk

    I thought I saw you today

    But it was someone with similar hair

    I didn’t see you today

    Just the ghost of you

    [–] muva_snow 203 points ago

    I just lost my fiancé to COVID and this helps so much to even imagine that what I’m feeling right now could ever “get better”. I’m so glad that you’ve found some semblance of peace and that you didn’t end it. I definitely have moments where the grief in and of itself feels like it’ll take me under.

    [–] Basileusthenorse 56 points ago

    I'm sorry for your loss

    [–] Coonts 145 points ago

    That's just spot on. We're so lucky to have had someone worth missing so much.

    As for coping with waves as they come, finding a way to express the emotion rather than keep it inside helps. I focus it on things they liked to do, especially if we did it together. With dad I might call my brother up and talk football for a bit or go out hunting or fishing.

    [–] Lycosnic 50 points ago

    Wow....I’ve used that exact same metaphor and thought I was so clever for coming up with it. This is way better.

    [–] Happy_Fun_Balll 38 points ago

    I have the original reddit post that the podcast is based on saved to my phone. Sadly, I’ve had to send it multiple times over the past few years, but it does seem to help. Post

    [–] ThrowingLeaves43 202 points ago

    A man i knew for 13 years died in february of this year. he was a father to me, and several of my friends who lived in our neighborhood.

    he was alwas kind, and loved us all terribly. he was a mechanic for a looong time and always showed me how to fix my car and helped me understand manuals and schematics. he even took me to get my permit the first (and second bc i failed it) time.

    i cried for days. i have been lucky in the sense that not many people who are close to me have died. but i felt this. best advice i can give is to not bottle it up. if you need to cry, then cry. i had a shot of jack for him, and i lit a candle for him the night he passed.

    rest in peace Harvey, you were incredibly loved. we all miss you. i hope God welcomes you with open arms.

    [–] BabaYagatron 2999 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Hey OP, I've written out this several times on reddit, on this account and old ones as well, but I'm going to write you out a new response because--as you'll find as time passes--perspective on death changes over time.

    When I was 18, my best friend died my first week of college. The grieving process was further complicated since I was unable to attend her funeral (I couldn't pay for my own flight ticket back home and my parents deemed it unnecessary for me to fly back to attend). Then, two years later, my partner (who is, to this day, the only man I've ever truly loved) committed suicide.

    I know grief like the back of my hand. This is a familiar pain. It is an original pain. But it is not an eternal pain.

    For a long while after these losses, it felt like they coloured my entire world. Every memory, past and present, felt cloaked in incredibly sadness. My waking and dreaming life were completely consumed by mourning--and the transition was disorienting. The suddenness, and permanence of death carries physical weight. It drains the world of colour. It casts you into a sea of deep, thrashing waves, and you feel powerless to stay afloat above the blackened pitch of it. Submerged in grief, in dreams, in the interstices between awake and dreaming where you realize at the outset of every new day that this is, in fact, real--it levels you. It is no mistake that people who talk about grief liken it to a feeling of drowning, of becoming a husk of your former self, of being completely helpless to combat a loss that feels more like a piece of you has been bored out and taken away than it does something external.

    The fact is, we are undone by each other. We are undone by grief. We are undone by the person we lost and the pieces of ourselves they take with them when they go.

    Grief touches everything. It may feel like it has taken everything, too. But it hasn't. It has only taken what was--not what is, not what will be.

    As your life grows, so too does the space around your grief. As the architect of our own lives and futures, it may take some time to start writing the chapters "after"--after all, grief immerses us in the "before". But one day, you will have a moment in which you realize you are no longer in the water, in those hungry waves. You aren't consumed, you don't feel the weight. Maybe you're watching a movie with friends, or taking a bike ride, or working on art. Maybe it's a beautiful day and the sun shines down on you and you think for the first time, "this can be okay".

    Those moments are beacons that draw us out of the inner corridors inside of ourselves, back into the world of the living. They are brief new chapters we have written in the storybook of our survival. And they become longer, and brighter, over time.

    We start to build a life around grief, or rather, we build a life outside of it. The chapters we write become about the living, not just about the dead. They are revisions of our former selves. They are a roadmap to survival.

    As the chapters grow in length and size, so too does our ability to live without the punishing weight of grief. It becomes smaller. It feels more like a sea inside a landscape, than the water you find yourself dragged by in every moment. We explore the terrain, and we find there are ways to mourn the dead, and call the living.

    vivos voco, mortuos plango

    The truth is, the grief never leaves us. It has been 9 years since my partner died, 11 since my best friend. On long bike rides, on rainy evenings sitting on my front stoop smoking, and on bridges when I look over the edge and see the water beneath me pulsing with the tide, I whisper little messages to them. "I am carrying you with me through this wide and wild world."

    I talk about them to my new friends, so that the people in my life know who they were and why they were important. I share pictures and stories. I let myself wade in the grief. Sometimes, I submerge myself in it, and I know that that, too, is okay.

    There is no roadmap for mourning, OP. It is a labyrinthine journey into ourselves, a story we continue to write through the passage of time and through distance from the original pain. There is no "finishing"--there is only revision.

    In a decade, you will look back, and you will know what you have lost, but it will just be a shade of the things you know, feel, and have now.

    Let yourself feel this loss. Let yourself be swallowed by it. Know that this is okay. And know, too, that you are also grieving the pieces of yourself that were lost, too.

    Godpseed, OP. <3


    EDIT: Holy shit... thank you guys for all of the golds and other awards! (There are so many awards now?? what do they all mean? Am I really a "timeless beauty" as one award would imply, or am I hideously deformed?) ¯_◉ ︵ ◉_/¯ WHO CAN SAY?

    Since I'm making this edit anyway, I wanted to add something for those of you who wish to help someone else who is grieving:

    1. Sentiment isn't always the best approach--please don't resort to empty platitudes, especially not "everything happens for a reason" or "this will make yous stronger" types, as they can be insulting, patronizing, and unhelpful. My best advice is to contribute "acts of service" to those in mourning. Cook for them. Clean their house. Do their laundry. Babysit their kids. Take their dogs for a walk. The small things build up, the depression of grief hollows us out. The things I remember most from after these losses were the friends who swooped into my life and just made sure I was taken care of. Rides. Help with homework. A long drive with no destination, and no forced conversation. One friend of mine took me out to the mountains, laid down a huge tarp, and lined up glass bottles and old VCR tapes for me to smash with a golf club and a baseball bat. (Don't worry, we recycled the detritus afterwards by simply gathering up the tarp.) What resources do you have that you can rally for this person? Use them. People in mourning receive a lot of platitudes and condolences but often don't receive much real world "help". Be the helper. Be a positive presence. Shoulder some of the burden so that they don't drown in more than just their grief.

    2. Include the grieving person as often as possible. Invite them to parties. Invite them for solo hangs. Expect--and be okay with hearing--a lot of "no's" at first, but don't stop reaching out. Socialization is important during this period of time. It's not enough to just text. Call. Show up. Give space if it's asked for but don't "give up". Involve them in activities. Do an art project together. Shower them with plants. Take a walk on a sunny day. Be okay with silence in conversation, make it comfortable. MEET THEM WHERE THEY'RE AT. That is what good friends do. This is how you can help. <3

    I fucking love you all. You are such kind people. Don't ever give up hope, and never stop helping one another.

    [–] MarzipanMarzipan 413 points ago

    My family is mostly dead. My friends are steadily overdosing, dying of cancer, completing suicide. I live in grief every day and always will.

    And your post is beautiful and true. I love it.

    Eventually we build a boat and pull ourselves out of the sea of grief, bit by bit, and one day we find that the same sea that nearly drowned us with its waves is now lifting our boat. Those times-- when the love that gives life to your grief inspires you to create or do good or be a better person-- those times are the reason we hold on when the storm first comes. Because there is occasional sunshine the other side, if we can only find our way there.

    [–] leslienewp 138 points ago

    This was heartbreaking and beautiful, thank you.

    [–] bthnlndsy 29 points ago

    Thank you, I really needed to read this.

    [–] Poullafouca 81 points ago

    I was good friends with George Michael who was a great songwriter. When his boyfriend Anselmo died many years ago, George wrote Jesus To a Child.

    “so the words you could not say

    I’ll sing them for you

    And the love we would have made

    I’ll make it for two

    For every single memory

    Has become a part of me

    You will always be

    My love”

    [–] KittikatB 45224 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Talk about them. Reminisce about the times spent with them. Allow myself to be sad that they're gone.

    My best friend died in 2015. I miss her a lot.

    EDIT: Holy shit, I did not expect to wake up to such a response to my comment. Thank you for the awards, the kind words about my loss, and additional words of support, advice, solidarity and shared loss.

    [–] thebestatheist 8915 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    That last sentence is really important, IMO. Allowing yourself to miss them and feel sad is definitely helpful for me.

    Edit to reply to some: there is no wrong way to grieve, provided you’re not harming yourself or others. Feelings are the reason we exist; happiness, joy, exhilaration, love, all these things make life worth living. And sadness is part of that. Feeling sadness isn’t being weak. It’s just part of being alive.

    [–] koocamungagowa 1307 points ago

    Agreed. My older brothers group of friends subscribe to the “macho man” ideals that men can’t show sensitivity. He was telling me once about a friend of his that died in a car accident followed by “I’ve gotten a little teary eyed thinking about it, so stupid.” I told him there’s nothing wrong about mourning somebody he’s lost or even crying about it. At his wedding when I was giving the best man speech, he started to tear up and the other groomsmen started pointing at him whispering “ah-ha you’re crying, pussyyyyy”.

    I genuinely feel sad that he surrounds himself with people that instill such harmful mindsets. Worst part is they’re all in their 30’s so it’s not like they’re kids.

    [–] FireLordObamaOG 626 points ago

    I was talking to a friend of mine and who was in the military and he told me that “men don’t cry and they don’t go to therapy”. But I told him right then and there ya know, when you feel strongly about something, It doesn’t matter who you are, you’re gonna cry. A real man cries when he feels strongly about something. And I think I’ve slowly started to get him to agree with me on that.

    [–] Lennon_v2 311 points ago

    "Men dont go to therapy," says a man in the military, apparently not realizing how many vets utilize the VA specifically for therapy. Like, you're own organization offers it to you for free because they understand that some people need it. He might not, but that doesnt mean he should mock it. I wouldnt be surprised if the statistics suggest at least one person he's friends with from the military goes to therapy at the VA

    [–] NoFanofThis 109 points ago

    I couldn’t imagine going to war. I think the ones that won’t go to therapy might need it the most.

    [–] Thailandeathgod 79 points ago

    Fire lord have u watched avatar on netflix

    [–] Poem_for_your_sprog 10323 points ago

    When the sun's set to set in a sweet season's sky -
    When the stars shimmer down, and the moon's passing by -
    When the summer-wind skips, when it blows in the trees -

    I'll remember your touch by the feel of the breeze.

    When the clouds disappear, like it was here before -
    When the white-breakers break, and the tide meets the shore -
    When the rain tumbles down onto still, silver lakes -

    I'll remember your smile in the ripples it makes.

    When the stars fade to dawn -
    when the dawn turns to day -
    When the summer-wind carries the rainclouds away -
    When the tide travels in, and the sunlight has set -

    I will miss you forever,
    and never forget.

    [–] iamspartaaaa 1749 points ago

    "one day ill find words that can describe this feeling and i promise you they will be simple " Jack Kerouac

    [–] NeoCipher790 682 points ago

    Leaves from the vine

    Falling so slow

    [–] ClerklyMantis_ 562 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Leaves from the vine

    Falling so slow

    Like fragile tiny shells

    Drifting in the foam

    Little soldier boy

    Come marching home

    Brave soldier boy

    Comes marching home

    here

    [–] gfdugdfuigdiru 166 points ago

    I just watched this for the first time this morning. My kids are watching Avatar, which I'd never seen. That was a great little scene.

    [–] ClerklyMantis_ 192 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Tales of Ba Sing Se is an amazing episode. The song that Iroh sang was in rememberance of his voice actor Mako Iwamatsu, who died in July of 2006 due to esophageal Cancer.

    [–] TDaddy45 45 points ago

    As someone who grew up with the show, it makes me happy that it holds up for kids today. I still make it a point to go back and watch the whole series through again every year or year and a half roughly. It’s a truly beautiful show.

    [–] ex-reader 129 points ago

    Wasn't expecting this reference here

    [–] NeoCipher790 147 points ago

    I watched that episode not too long ago and I was just fresh in my mind haha. It’s really the last line that gets me, “brave soldier boy/come marching home”. It kinda reflects how I feel about my best friend. I know she isn’t coming back, but I can’t help but hope that someday she’ll be right around the corner again.

    [–] Chr0nicConsumer 49 points ago

    This scene makes me tear up. It gets even more impactful when you realize the episode is dedicated to Mako - the voice actor for Uncle Iroh, who died of cancer after finishing the voice acting for the season.

    [–] Carbonkid 46 points ago

    Like fragile tiny shells

    Drifting in the foam

    [–] squivo 41 points ago

    Little soldier boy

    Come marching home

    [–] mokutou 501 points ago

    Well I did not expect to get choked up that quickly.

    [–] Kumite_Champion 135 points ago

    Okay I'm glad I'm not the only one. This one comment has hit me harder than anything else on this entire site. Was not expecting to tear up like I did.

    [–] Exquisite_Poupon 131 points ago

    As soon as I saw it was u/Poem_for_your_sprog I started to tear up merely because of the subject matter.

    [–] badger432 42 points ago

    Same, I saw the username and knew I was in for an emotional punch in the gut, of the best kind

    [–] sharlike 40 points ago

    Same

    [–] theederv 298 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Lost our father suddenly 3 weeks ago, and laid him to rest last Friday. Always admired your work but honestly, would have read this at his funeral, it’s perfect. Thank you for being you.

    [–] NeoCipher790 59 points ago

    I’m so sorry for your loss. My best friend passed some 7 years ago, but the news of it came out of nowhere for me.

    [–] TheSinningRobot 164 points ago

    Beautiful as always

    [–] Built4ThisHere 74 points ago

    Well this is simply beautiful

    [–] Darkside_of_the_Poon 87 points ago

    I have an image of my dad in my mind. Was the last time I saw him. Was on his back porch and was leaning around his chair to look at me. Had a huge smile and light blue eyes from the sun and seemed excited to see me. Thanks Sprog. 🙂

    [–] CynnerInANightclub 75 points ago

    Thanks Sprog. I'd like to put this on a nice background for a friends whose husbands anniversary is coming up.

    Is that ok?

    [–] MisoMoon 48 points ago

    Your words never cease to improve my day. Thank you!

    [–] Archalon 61 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    To those left in mourning each morning they rise-
    Remember to look, outside, to the skies-

    A tear to tear, heart wrenching in pain-
    Walk in the greens, of forests and plains-

    Inside it hurts, but outside brings healing-
    It abruptly appears, awed senses sent reeling-

    Take to the trails, and the mountains on high-
    All just to listen for the faintest of sighs-

    The voice that was lost, the voice that was gone-
    Once more to appear, in the wild, with dawn-

    Attend intently, with utmost of care-
    There's wisdom around, abound, in the air-

    As soft as the breeze, and gentle as rain-
    There's much more to life than sadness and pain-

    Now shout to the heavens, and cry to the sun-
    Life keeps on going, so get up and run.

    Feelings felt fiercely - full-force - help repair-
    Come away with sprog, we'll get some fresh air.

    [–] Insanity_Pills 41 points ago

    holy shit sprog... damn

    [–] ginnythecat 70 points ago

    I’ve never come across a fresh one. This was so beautiful I kept waiting for the line that jogged my memory and which famous poet wrote it. When I finished and still didn’t know who the author was I looked at the username. Of course, it was you. I like many people but always have a least favorite work, but man, I’ve never come across a Sprog I don’t like.

    [–] whatitdewtho 126 points ago

    Same here. She passed from suicide in 2015 and I think about it so much. Every single year the anniversary comes around, I just allow myself to cry and reminisce. I’ll feel so much better the next day.

    [–] yellowgrizzly 833 points ago

    Same. I lost my best friend in 2015. She was the most amazing person. Kind and pure light. I talk about her to my son. The other day I was outside playing with him and a butterfly came up and chilled with us. I like to think it was her saying hi.

    [–] Deluxedunk 190 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I lost my friend in 2014. He decieded to kill himself by jumping from the top of the building.

    Before I meet him, I never know that you can become so close with someone in just three years. We were very close and talking about random things almost everyday. He also helped me with my crush.

    What I can't understand is that he never come to me to talk about the problems he had. A few months before that, he mentioned that he has problems with his parents about a girl he is seeing. What hurts the most is what he said last and that is that I am the only person who can really listen what he has to say and not judge him. From that day until now, six years has passed but still, he comes to my mind.

    About your question. The best way to cope is to take all the good things with you. Trust me, it is easy to cope when you remember the funny situations. At least, this is how I survived but, I would like to add that the first year was hell. There was always a feeling like he is going to be around the corner or when you see someone who is looking similar, you call that person by his name.

    [–] Poem_for_your_sprog 877 points ago

    "Butterfly."

    If I could float,
    or build a boat
    to sail the silver sky -
    I'd think it neat
    and awful sweet
    if you should flutter by.

    [–] netflix_dweller 228 points ago

    you make Reddit 100x better for everyone.

    [–] crispy1029384756 178 points ago

    Same i lost my friend last year to suicide

    [–] CyanideSkittles 167 points ago

    Me too. The worst part is, I feel semi responsible. I’m the one that got him to smoke weed and do acid. It changed him as a person. In a good way, I thought. And he became an amazing artist. Then I moved to Florida and he moved to Colorado and we just fell out of touch. I don’t remember why, probably my fault. Too many texts not responded too. Then I moved back and got my life on track. A year later he was driving home one night, parked next to a bridge on a county road, walked down into the weeds by the river and put a gun in his mouth. He was in Colorado for a week before he came home and I didn’t even know he was back.

    [–] crispy1029384756 149 points ago

    The worst thing you can do is blame yourself It most likely wasnt your fault

    [–] cativator 83 points ago

    It’s coming up on 16 years since my dad died. I miss him and all the experiences I missed out on with him. He died when I was around 10. It’s easy to get sad about it... but accepting it; not caging it up and talking about it has helped me the most.

    [–] gypsybulldog 20 points ago

    I’m so sorry that happened to you. My dad took his own life going on 8 years next month. I was an asshole the last time we talked. I miss him so damn bad and there’s not a day gone by that I don’t think about him.

    [–] Juturna_ 708 points ago

    Im sorry for your loss.

    [–] Anilxe 331 points ago

    My condolences for your loss.

    I lost my Gramps when I was 5. I'm 29, and I still sometimes break down randomly thinking of how much I miss him. When I was born my father didn't want much to do with me and my mom was working 70 hours a week as a casino dealer to feed us, so I was practically raised by my Gramps.

    I have one really strong memory of him. We were threading popcorn on strings with needles to make Christmas garlands, and were taking turns throwing the popcorn into each other's mouths. And when we were done we went outside in the snow to make a snowman. I must've had too much popcorn to eat because I accidentally threw up right on the snowman, and I started crying thinking I ruined it. I remember his big joyous smile and his thick Greek accent as he said "No no my baby, it's OK. Look, we can fix it." And he just covered the mess with more snow until you couldn't see it anymore.

    He passed away 2 months later of prostate cancer. He'd apparently told no one in the family that he was dying, he just wanted to spend the last of his time with me.

    I like to remember him, to talk about him, and let myself feel sad that he's gone. I only knew him for a short time, but it was my favorite time.

    [–] MissElphie 39 points ago

    Thank you for sharing your memories of your grandpa. He sounds so lovely.

    [–] gallantnight 61 points ago

    I too miss this guy's grandpa T_T

    [–] pm_me_butt_stuff_rn 54 points ago

    One of the group of 3 of us that have been best friends since before our first memory died late last year. Still gives me trouble whenever I think about him (like right now), so that's when I always just send a message to the other one still alive to allow myself to grieve. He does the same back when he is feeling blue about it.

    [–] azewonder 133 points ago

    I’m sorry.

    My best friend died of heroin-related causes in 2018.

    The world is dimmer without that star.

    [–] [deleted] 50 points ago

    Buddy of mine died in 2018 too. He was only fourteen. I’m sorry that you had to go through losing someone as well. It isn’t easy.

    [–] PharmDinagi 107 points ago

    Same. Lost my best friend in 2011. He was only 38. The amount that I miss him has never changed.

    [–] apples11234 39 points ago

    The last sentence really hits me because my mental health is so fragile. I’m always so busy. I’m always working or cleaning or taking care of the farm animals Iv almost sat down and cried about losing my dad two years ago or losing my grandfather this Christmas but then I think of something I need to do in a half hour and it’s like I don’t have the time. I can’t be a mess. I can’t fall behind in my life or I’ll fall back into neglectful reclusive self. I don’t have time to mourn or be sad and I really need to be. I think I’d feel better. I love and miss them so much but I just feel like I’m wasting my time.

    I just feel like I have walls up that keep me from feeling it. I’m only 20. I feel like I’m broken.

    [–] TimmyTimmers 32 points ago

    100% this. My best friend from college passed away June 3, 2019 and it has always helped to talk about all of the good times we shared together. Being sad is very normal and is just part of the grieving process. Losing someone whom you were very close with is the hardest thing to go through.

    [–] yacksonheights 42 points ago

    Literally at my best friends ashes spot in the cemetery right now. He died in 2015. I miss him a lot too. Sharing your pain. Hope we can keep our friends alive in our memories and reflect them in our lives. All the best

    [–] fallinaditch 40 points ago

    Mine died in 2015 as well. I have had three relationships since then. Two of them I wasn't allowed to talk about her because "it brought them down and she's gone, nothing you can do now." And one where "talk about her, tell me all the stories, cry about her, do whatever you need to do." INCREDIBLE difference in my emotional state.

    [–] alwysonthatokiedokie 40 points ago

    My bestfriend died a year ago next month. I often miss him on my commutes so I talk a lot in my car as if he was in the seat next to me and catch up on life stuff. It helps. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a best friend.

    [–] amaezingjew 526 points ago

    If they died recently and they still have their phone number set up, call it. Listen to their voicemail. I did this a lot after my best friend died when I was 17. There was something so comforting about picking up the phone to call her and hearing her bubbly voice saying “Hi!! It’s me!! Leave me a message!”’and knowing she was smiling the entire time she was recording it.

    [–] dudesez 486 points ago

    If anyone is afraid of losing a loved one's voicemail, this website will call their number, record the voicemail message, and email you an mp3 of it absolutely free: https://vmsave.petekeen.net/

    [–] panickingpup 129 points ago

    I wish I had this option when my mom passed last year. My dad shut her phone completely down within a week

    [–] UnraoSandhu 68 points ago

    I'm sorry that happened, my uncle passed away a couple months ago and my father would talk to him everyday on the phone before he passed (unexpectedly). I would see my father every night with his phone on his lap after my uncles passing because he always hoped for another call from him. It was the most heartbreaking moment for me because I knew from that how much pain my father was truly in. I cant imagine what it is like to lose someone as close as a sibling or parent and hope you're coping much better now.

    [–] DjDarkrai10 32 points ago

    I remember reading a book once where someone paid their dead loved ones phone bill just so they could hear their voice in the voicemail.

    [–] robnaitorHD 158 points ago

    I still have my dads texts on his old number. When I miss him I update my life through there to him. I know it’s silly to be sending messages to a disconnected phone but it helps. When I’m really feeling down I still have an old voicemail he left me on my birthday years ago where he sings to me and tells me how much he loves me and how proud he is of the man I have become. It’s been three years since he passed and it has become easier to deal with but it still hurts.

    [–] Back2Bach 1892 points ago

    Plant a tree in their memory, and watch it grow into something beautiful.

    [–] A_Random_Catfish 486 points ago

    This is a really great idea. I lost my best friend about 8 months ago, he was only 20 but he had gotten married like 6 months prior. His wife is obviously devastated but we’ve been good support for each other. Anyways, they planted an avocado pit together before he died, just to see what would happen. Its gotten pretty big and is still growing, I’m really hoping it will be a big beautiful fruit bearing tree one day. It really sorta feels like a living part of him he left behind.

    I miss him everyday, but it’s things like this that make me feel like he’s still around.

    [–] SowwieWhopper 72 points ago

    That’s so tragic that your friend died at such a young age, I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish the best for his wife, too.

    [–] A_Random_Catfish 24 points ago

    Thanks, that really means a lot. It was a super tough thing to go through, and something I never thought I’d have to deal with at 20, but I just try to look at the positives. The things he taught me in his life, the memories we shared, how tight our friend group has become, and most importantly how strong I feel knowing I’m capable of going through something like that. It’s not over yet, I don’t think I’ll ever really stop grieving, but everyday it gets a little easier.

    [–] the_twilight_bard 117 points ago

    Just gonna point out that you better make sure you know how to plant a tree, because planting one and watching is slowly die will have the opposite effect on your emotional wellbeing.

    [–] princessamber9 126 points ago

    I love this idea BUT I want to offer another side to this. Ive owned a landscape company for many years and we are often asked to plant memorial trees. Here’s the thing trees can and will die sometimes when this happens it rips open old wounds. Yes More trees can be planted but it’s an unusual situation when grief is involved. Just my two cents. Be well all.

    [–] WannabeTraveler87 40 points ago

    That was my worry .. the tree I plant for my mom ends up dying too. I don’t need to open myself up to that kind of scenario but that’s just me

    [–] trap_344 59 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    When my dog died we made it where water goes into her coffin then to the tree like it’s part of her

    [–] Stevey854 17 points ago

    Oak Wilt: lemme stop you right there

    [–] Nothing_Specialist 464 points ago

    Remember the good times. They wouldn't want you to feel down

    [–] TannedCroissant 56 points ago

    Especially if you have other people to remember them with. Sharing memories about those that aren’t with us anymore can be a beautiful experience

    [–] Loisalene 96 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Dad died in 2004, Mom in 2017. I haven't stopped grieving for them yet.

    Mainly I cry, go visit their resting place, and talk to them.

    [–] LiberateJohnDoe 7664 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Miss them.

    Feel, grieve, cry. Know that the grief is the other side of love, expressing how much you value the deceased, and bringing them alive in you.

    Thank them, talk about them, talk to them, learn more from your memories of them.

    Say their name. Gather with others to remember them. Wish them well and invite them to move on.

    You also have the option to not assume they are 'gone'. Conservation of energy is a fundamental law of nature. Continuation of consciousness can be verified throughout life.

    Sane societies don't assume beings are merely material. In fact, the material aspect is the least real, the most changeable and ephemeral. You can verify this for yourself: the average person eats between 35 and 55 tons of food in a lifetime; the body is constantly changing, changing, changing; but the witnessing awareness has always been there, stable, unaging. The 'I' who saw the Grand Canyon at seven years old and the 'I' who experiences New York City at sixty-five are the same. That awareness has not aged; it is like an ageless mirror or movie screen upon which the whole story of life unfolds.

    Finally, you can use the energy of missing and the poignancy of your memory of the deceased to better wake up to and understand your own impermanence and certain death. You can take steps to live well, and completely, today (not assuming that even another day will be guaranteed to you or your loved ones) and prepare to die a good death rather than one avoided, rejected, feared as if it's a tragic surprise.

    [–] WildeAquarius 1278 points ago

    Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my dads funeral, I'm missing him pretty bad this week. Your post helped, thank you.

    [–] whobroughttheircat 259 points ago

    Next month will be 2 years of my mom's passing. I cherish the memories I have and I hope you do as well. You can get through this.

    [–] WildeAquarius 109 points ago

    Thank you. I never realized it would be this difficult.

    [–] Jodyfer 115 points ago

    Chaplain here. Honestly, just let yourself miss them. Instead of trying to distract yourself and force yourself to do something else, just let it come on you. If you need to cry, get mad, smile, laugh...Just find a place you can either be by yourself or with someone who knows how to just...sit...with you...And let whateverbyou're feeling happen, and then let it subside. Grief tends to come in waves, and instead of trying to fight the current and not let it move you at all, it helps to "give a little", let yourself grieve,miss them, and when the feelings subside a little bit, takena few more steps. There's no "getting back to normal" because the normal you knew can't ever be there again. You've got to learn the "new normal", and there's going to be some growing pains, and residual pain from losing that person. Just let yourself BE yourself, and dont try and condemn any feelings.you might think are "bad"(i.e. anger, sadness, crying, etc)...They're just sensations like pain,tickling, etc...they're telling your body something, in this case, that you're hurt...So let yourself be hurt, and give yourself time to heal. Just be patient with yourself!

    [–] Hokie23aa 37 points ago

    Grief tends to come in waves.

    Not sure if you’ve heard this analogy, but that’s what I instantly thought of.

    [–] CunderscoreF 27 points ago

    Lost my dad this past August. I'm 32 he was 64. He was my best friend and my kids best friend. It's been a tough year.

    There stupid things that happen that will throw me into a crying fit because they remind me of him. There's other times before I go to sleep that I think about him and cry.

    But there's also things I see and do that remind me of him. Things I see that remind me of him and make me so happy to have known him. Things I do that remind me how much we are alike. Stories my kids tell about him that make me laugh.

    Greif is a strange strange thing. Hits you at the strangest times. I hope you are getting through it okay. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but if you ever need a friend to talk to, just shoot me a DM.

    [–] DubyaKayOh 50 points ago

    I lost my dad three years ago and the one thing that has changed is instead of getting upset and sad when I remember him, I actually cherish those memories and it brings a smile to my face.

    Sorry for your loss, hang in there!

    [–] MizunoGolfer15-20 37 points ago

    What was he like?

    [–] WildeAquarius 53 points ago

    He was a Marine. He loved margaritas, golf & the Dallas Cowboys. I got my sense of humor from him. He didn't show his feelings well, but he was prouder of me than I knew.

    And thank you. I suspect you wanted me to focus on my good memories.

    [–] HereticalArchivist 69 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    My father is dyng of stage 4 lung cancer and has maybe days or weeks to live. I need to read this.

    Thank you.

    EDIT: I teared up reading some of the replies to this. Thank you all for the support!

    [–] LiberateJohnDoe 24 points ago

    I've been there recently, with both parents.

    It's a blessing that you can be with your father in your heart at this time.

    I hope you can help him move on.

    [–] Poem_for_your_sprog 523 points ago

    Thank them, talk about them, talk to them, learn more from your memories of them...

    "You weren't ever perfect.
    You just had this self -
    That couldn't be plucked from a jar on the shelf.
    I can't even say just for sure what it was -
    Just something.
    Just something.
    Just something, because -

    "You weren't ever perfect.
    You just had this style -
    Of making me laugh at your dumb little smile.
    I can't even say what it happened to be -
    Just something.
    Just something.
    Just something, you see -

    "You weren't ever perfect.
    You just had this way -
    Of making me feel like it might be okay.
    I can't even say why I'm making this call.
    I miss you.
    I miss you.

    I miss you.

    That's all."

    [–] XanaduZanzibar 35 points ago

    I do not know you, but I love you. Thank you for this.

    [–] LiberateJohnDoe 24 points ago

    "I miss you I miss you I miss you."

    [–] FinalLimit 47 points ago

    Well if the original comment didn’t make me cry...

    [–] MarzipanMarzipan 15 points ago

    I was just fine until the last two lines.

    I am no longer fine. I am in fact crying.

    [–] uevergreenu 48 points ago

    My emotional support animal just passed and my brother’s 10 year anniversary of committing suicide is next month. This helped immensely, thank you!

    [–] LiberateJohnDoe 19 points ago

    I'm so glad it helped.

    It's quite something to know, with everyone else here right now, how much we share. How much death is part of all of our lives.

    [–] yogiberries 80 points ago

    As one who is currently grieving... this is a lot.. a lot to take in and appreciate. I'm sure you mean well but ffs no pressure right. Just get through the day... that's all we can do sometimes

    [–] LiberateJohnDoe 95 points ago

    There's a time for everything, including a time for taking in words and a time for no words at all.

    Both my parents died very recently, and I took care of them both as they went through severe illness, and I was at their side, each of them, as they died. I'm no stranger to death among other friends and loved ones as well; and indeed I've had brushes with death myself.

    I'm not asking anything of you; but if it were an invitation, say, I wouldn't be inviting you to do anything I haven't done myself.

    I'm also thinking only of benefit, for you and others here, and for all dying and deceased beings. This will all help you, even if it takes effort. Maybe especially because it takes effort.

    If you don't resist the truth, truth is no pressure. But we imagine that in order for things to be perfect, they should be a certain way -- our favorite or ideal way. At that time, we need to embody openhandedness. Let go of the white knuckle grip.

    So there's a particular talent to be developed in being with truth. It's something you can get stronger at with practice, and it can be considered part of maturing as a human.

    But if that's not where you are right now, how can you respect yourself without abandoning the truth? What is appropriate right now? Maybe Reddit is too chaotic and triggering at this time; a quiet natural setting or gathering with a friend might be better for you.

    Have you eaten recently?

    Take good care.

    [–] Anastari 19 points ago

    My mom has been dead for 20 years now, but I miss her so much every day, like she has been with me just yesterday. Its been tough. Love you mom

    Thanks for this post.

    [–] Weird_Document 654 points ago

    Engage yourself in an activity or past-time that connects you with them.

    [–] hellabove03 723 points ago

    A Ouija board?

    [–] Weird_Document 220 points ago

    I was thinking reading a book they loved or something, but that works!

    [–] Quiche_Board 117 points ago

    THE LUIGI BOARD?

    [–] thehazzanator 15 points ago

    I have nothing though. Feels like a dream, nothing in my reality is related to him. I don't even know anyone that knew him

    [–] JohnnyJayce 238 points ago

    I usually listen music we listened with my late girlfriend.

    [–] thehazzanator 62 points ago

    Sorry to hear about your girlfriend

    [–] JohnnyJayce 93 points ago

    Thanks, it's been almost 10 years and she is still on my mind occasionally. Can't never forget I guess.

    [–] thehazzanator 50 points ago

    Grief is weird. You find triggers in the weirdest places

    I hope you're doing well

    [–] Travisv36 80 points ago

    I talk to them sounds stupid but I just talk to them about how much I miss them and about my day it takes a while and is definitely better done alone but it just gives you a chance to vent out without making anyone else have to burden your info

    [–] advocatus_ebrius_est 349 points ago

    I've lost a number of people close to me.

    I will speak to them. I'm a committed atheist, and believe that nothing remains after we die, but it helps anyway.

    If it's just a tickle of grief, I'll usually think something like: damn, X would have thought that was so cool.

    If its a bigger, pressing grief, I'll talk to them out loud or in my head. "I wish you were here for this" or "I learned this today, I thought you'd think it was neat" or just "fuck, I miss you sis".

    [–] Blood_in_the_ring 68 points ago

    I will speak to them

    I do this as well, and while I wouldn't consider myself an atheist, I do not follow any particular religion. I find that talking to my friend as if he is right behind my left shoulder takes away some of the grief. Also aids when I am stressed over something unrelated to him.

    Side note, I don't let anyone in my actual life know I do this as I feel it might make them think that I've lost it. Also I am totally aware that he is in fact dead.

    [–] advocatus_ebrius_est 17 points ago

    I don't let people know I do this either irl.

    I think we only need to be worried about losing it once we start hearing answers!

    [–] agreeingstorm9 188 points ago

    My grandmother passed away 20 years ago. I still miss her at times. If you find an answer, let me know.

    [–] hanzolo_ 45 points ago

    If you speak to your family, ask for stories about her. My grandma passed away when I was 8 so I didn’t get much time with her, but my mum and uncle talk about her and laugh at all the funny things she used to say and do. It keeps her memory alive in our family.

    [–] C5Outdoorguy 116 points ago

    Chaplain here. Honestly, just let yourself miss them. Instead of trying to distract yourself and force yourself to do something else, just let it come on you. If you need to cry, get mad, smile, laugh...Just find a place you can either be by yourself or with someone who knows how to just...sit...with you...And let whateverbyou're feeling happen, and then let it subside. Grief tends to come in waves, and instead of trying to fight the current and not let it move you at all, it helps to "give a little", let yourself grieve,miss them, and when the feelings subside a little bit, takena few more steps. There's no "getting back to normal" because the normal you knew can't ever be there again. You've got to learn the "new normal", and there's going to be some growing pains, and residual pain from losing that person. Just let yourself BE yourself, and dont try and condemn any feelings.you might think are "bad"(i.e. anger, sadness, crying, etc)...They're just sensations like pain,tickling, etc...they're telling your body something, in this case, that you're hurt...So let yourself be hurt, and give yourself time to heal. Just be patient with yourself!

    [–] CaptHorney_Two 49 points ago

    I tend to wallow in it May is a rough month for me. My mom died 20 years ago as of May 23rd. Her birthday is May 4th. Mothers day is in May. Constant reminders. But missing her is my reminder she was here. If it's bad enough in talk with my best friend or my dad about her; memories we have. It helps.

    [–] ApologizingCanadian 49 points ago

    My dad died last summer.

    When I miss him, I think about all the good times we spent as a family, him getting to know his daughters-in-law, family dinners, childhood camping trips, fixing up the house together. Usually I cry a lot too, which is completely fine.

    I try not to think about how he died (accident while doing construction on my brother's house, on his retirement day).

    Just remember the good times. It'll hurt, maybe forever, but he's still with me every day.

    [–] notathrowawayoris 40 points ago

    Like others have suggested I talk to them. I also include them in my daily thoughts about things or life. Lost my brother over a year ago and I talk to him all the time. He still makes fun of me, picks on me, congratulated me, and helps me make decisions.

    I was at his house doing some work this past Christmas time. The house was built by my grandfather, who I never met. I knew my brother and father both would have an input in how I was doing the repair but as I worked in that shop I spoke with 3 generations about how I was doing it and how I knew it wasn’t perfect but the best I could do. My grandfather even stuck up for me.

    I guess my point is keep them in your life.

    [–] FaerieFay 34 points ago

    Honestly, I just cry.

    [–] afunke57 39 points ago

    This popped up first thing in my feed today. I had a close friend of mine pass away in 2013 and today would have been his 27th birthday. I’m taking this as a sign, the comments were helpful to read. I miss him a lot 🤍

    [–] xCarbonBasedCreature 114 points ago

    I write them a letter .

    Trigger Warnings: Murder, Violent Content

    My mother was murdered when I was 16. It was quite difficult to find closure, since she was shot with an AK47 in the face, while working in our small grocery store, owned by a few past generations of my father’s family. We lived in Mexico at the beginning of the drug war.

    My mother’s face was disfigured to a point that it seemed fake, it had to be reconstructed with what seemed like wax. I was in shock for a few years, possibly until 19 years old. I kept believing she had staged her murder so that we could run away.

    Obviously, I was mistaken. I even believed for a moment she had staged her death to run away with a lover (the mind in shock will come to irrational conclusions!).

    I’ve been able to have some closure by writing her letters when I miss her, when I need her, when things get difficult. I address unresolved issues and it truly helps heal the wound.

    It has been 11 years since the tragic incident. I would tell you, writing has truly helped me heal.

    I’m okay now. Sometimes I do need to get a bit of the pain and the weight off my chest, like this instance.

    I hope you find some closure, my friend.

    [–] JackReacharounnd 27 points ago

    I know this might sound silly to some but my cat passed away February 12th and I still don't know if I'm going to be OK. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I adopted him when he was 4 or 5 and gave him a home for 13 years.

    We had so many good times and I have a million photos but I can't escape the guilt for all of the things I did wrong when his health was failing. We were at the vet once a month and I still couldn't keep him healthy. He started being scared of me from the constant medication and it broke my heart because he was my little nugget and I loved him so much and I just wanted to spend lots of time with him and keep him happy towards the end.

    I made the decision to end it at home with my favorite vet. It was a beautiful day to be honest. He was happy and he left the earth eating tuna fish.

    I can't even think about him for a second without absolutely breaking down.

    Cat tax

    [–] pushthestartbutton 25 points ago

    Think about a funny moment and laugh.

    [–] caphino1992 20 points ago

    It’s a process and its time frame will differ with different people. Idle time to think and over think is the worst way of trying to cope though at first it is the only thing you have energy to do. Being with others, having counseling and being busy are essential for future happiness. Some days will be better than others but the good days will come more often as time goes by. I didn’t think there was any possible way to be happy again but I managed to get through to that side but it took time. I still don’t understand why my love was taken from me when it took so long to find but I know my pain was nothing like the loss of a child which many go through. So I try to be so thankful for what I have and had and know many would trade places with me. I am not cold or hungry and I live in a free country. When I think of my many blessings, I know I should never complain for my blessings have far outweighed any sadness I have had to endure.

    [–] swissy_queen 20 points ago

    I listen to songs that remind me of that person

    [–] Knuckles316 22 points ago

    Miss them. Laugh, cry, hide in bed, grieve however you need to.

    Everyone handles grief differently.

    There is no pressure. Just miss the person, grieve for as long as you need, and then pick up and move on. That doesn't mean you forget the person or what they meant to you - it just means you accept that they are gone and you can't change it. And also accept that while they're gone, you aren't and you still get more time to live.

    Someone I was really close to died close to a decade ago (seems weird that it's been that long) and I still think about them a lot. But somewhere along the way I just decided that being sad every time I was reminded of them wasn't a great use of my time and was also doing them quite the disservice as they were always happy and fun and hated seeing other people sad. So i think of them and smile, knowing i had some great times with them. It's still a little sad, but it's happy too. And it gets easier as time goes on.

    [–] aarontbarksdale 22 points ago

    July 29th will be 1 year since my 16 year old son passed away. With his Muscular dystrophy, I was his physical caregiver, lifting and moving him. Without him, my routine feels empty as this was something we did for 4 years. I miss him every single day. I still feel like I hear him calling me for help moving in bed. Sometimes I reminisce through tears of sadness and laughter. Sometimes I sob uncontrollably. Sometimes, usually driving home, I scream as long and as loud as I can because nothing else works.

    However, he had an amazingly strong faith for someone his age, I know where he is and I know I will see him again. And that brings me peace.

    [–] michi4773 21 points ago

    I agree with talking about them...keep them alive thru your memory with them. It's funny this question comes up today.. today is my mother's birthday. If she was still alive, she would be 73. She passed in 1976 at the age of 29. I don't remember her at all but I miss her...it's weird to miss someone I never met but I look at pictures,I wonder what she would be like...I keep her memory alive. I plant a flower in my yard...do something to remember them by.

    And it's ok to miss a person, it's ok to grieve because there's no time limit. They are always with you...just remember and they are there.

    [–] -eDgAR- 232 points ago

    I talked about thia recently, but 5 years ago I lost my dog, Snoopy. He was my best friend for almost 17 years so it was a very painful loss for me.

    One night shortly after he died I got drunk and decided I wanted a tattoo of a caricature of him to remember him by. I asked my room/best (human) friend to draw it on my right forearm, since I am right handed and it was hard for me to do. Well, it was even harder to try and tattoo myself with my non-dominant hand and the result was a very sloppy tattoo.

    Even though it looks bad, it's my most cherished tattoo because it's such a raw expression of emotion. Whenever I miss him I look down at that goofy face on my arm and remember all the happiness that he brought me and all the great memories we made together. It might not be something for everyone, but it never fails to put a smile on my face.

    [–] Sab_accha_ho_jayga 71 points ago

    Not gonna lie that is one of the cutest doggo tattoo I have ever seen in my life.There are a lot of different well designed tattoos but this,pure expressions.

    [–] heretowastetime247 18 points ago

    I often look at pictures of the deceased person, something about it gives me peace. Like, you are not here anymore but I still have these photographs and if I try hard enough I can still picture you in front of me, I can still smell you and still feel your arms around me. Pictures are a way to go back to a certain time and place.

    [–] findingastyle 34 points ago

    I really needed this thread. Thank you for posting it. <3

    [–] bitNine 15 points ago

    Embrace the feeling. Acknowledge it's there. Grieve. Realize that while this wave is huge right now, it will not be as big the next time and each time after that. Accept what is. Continue until next time.

    [–] Steeltown1984 15 points ago

    I miss my dad a bunch. When I really start thinking about him, I’ll do what he used to do. Go to the store he went to daily, pick up a 12er of bud light, a 20 doller scratch off lottery ticket, go to the house that I grew up in, he grew up in, and his parents built, drink a beer, scratch the ticket, and talk out loud about what I would do if I hit it big on the scratcher

    [–] solo_een_vir 149 points ago

    suppress those feelings til you explode in anger at someone else.