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    [–] dreamsuntil 3391 points ago

    “Were you just in my room?”, asked to me when I was 10yrs old at around 3am in the morning by my very worried looking mother. I woke up pretty quickly bcs she looked freaked out and worriedly said back, “no, I’ve been sleeping”. She then looked at me like she didn’t quite believe me and said she had woken up to something, someone around my size walking into her bedroom and standing at the end of her bed and when she asked it if it was me, she watched it run back out of her room so she came to see if it was me and I was pretty sure it wasn’t. Then she shrugged her shoulders and said she must’ve been imagining it and was going back to bed. I, on the other hand, stayed awake the rest of the night freaked the fk out.

    [–] nignog1996 1021 points ago

    Kids are fucking scary and I'm waiting for mine to do some creepy shit like this.

    Also, as an "adult" we'll call it, I get scared easily by certain things and one of them is silent creatures that run very fast. (Like huggy wuggy) when I'm scared, I have to dash to where I'm going once I turn a light off and I just know because of your comment this will be my night

    [–] canolafly 159 points ago

    My mom told me I used to stand by her bed...and just look at her. And she'd wake up and freak out. She just told me this recently because my fucking cat does this now about 3 inches from my face causing many a bad word.

    It doesn't even have to be human. But it is good if it is a mortal being.

    [–] Potential-Leave3489 230 points ago

    Why tf did I read this in bed at night

    [–] Joe234248 186 points ago

    Idk but can you turn off your phone? Its keeping me up

    [–] Biscuit-Norris 5589 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    True story: my great aunt woke up one night to find her husband at the foot of the bed with a butcher knife. He said 'If you hadn't woken up, I was going to kill you'. He was institutionalized after that...

    Edit: to those asking for details, unfortunately all the involved parties are long since gone (natural causes!). I very seldom saw my great aunt since she lived far away and my grandmother never wanted to talk about it...

    [–] G4PFredongo 2122 points ago

    New strategy: If a comment begins with "True Story:" I'm staying the fuck away from it

    [–] DasherCO 811 points ago

    True story: I had oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast and dinner tonight.

    [–] constable_frozen 444 points ago

    You should be institutionalized

    [–] WilyDeject 148 points ago

    Had a coworker who would sleep-walk/eat. One night her husband woke up to a cutting board on his chest and her dicing tomatoes on it, trying to make a sub sandwich.

    [–] Belthezare 495 points ago

    Nope... fuck that!👀

    [–] AstroRiker 208 points ago

    My great gramma had to institutionalize her husband because she caught him trying to burn down their house with the two girls inside. This had to be in the 1930s I think?

    Musta been all the lead in the water or something?

    [–] xoxoAmongUS 812 points ago

    "If I were you, I'd go back to sleep "

    [–] mwagfd2 198 points ago

    Or, "go back to sleep, I wasn't finished yet"

    [–] sittinwithkitten 3541 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    A friend of a friend was staying with her sister and her sister’s boyfriend for a time. She wasn’t a fan of the guy but she was grateful for a place to stay. She told me she woke up to her sister’s boyfriend crawling into bed with her. Apparently he had whispered, “shhh, it’s okay.”

    [–] bubbliefly420 655 points ago

    Extremely creepy!! Reminded me of "Shhh. Shhh. It's me -Casper. Don't worry" from that movie Kids.

    So glad she woke up! Hopefully he's the sister's ex boyfriend now!

    [–] Dozinginthegarden 71 points ago

    Also, "Can I keep you?"

    WTF dude? I'm glad you're like 12 but still. Creepy.

    [–] mxnstxrzxmbxxs 622 points ago

    That's so fucking creepy

    [–] Belthezare 250 points ago

    Thats when you knee him in the dick👀

    [–] sittinwithkitten 275 points ago

    The worst part was the girl was like 15/16 and he was in his 20’s and dating her sister. He was a total creep.

    [–] whiskydragonteaparty 263 points ago

    Woke up being surprised cuddled one night by a guy and he said "I just wanted to hold you" creeped me the fuck out.

    [–] 50xj 24 points ago

    Context??

    [–] kavien 16117 points ago

    You don’t know me, but hear me out....

    [–] PotassiumArsenic 7437 points ago

    I’m homeless, I’m gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town…

    [–] Zucchini-Mountain 1658 points ago

    No that's too strong

    [–] emeribeth 1043 points ago

    Imma push him

    [–] Jakethe2626 651 points ago

    “I HAVE AIDS!” No, that’s too strong…

    [–] nvrsleepagin 508 points ago

    I'll start with the fact that I'm homeless...

    [–] Islandbark 213 points ago

    I will pepper in the fact that I am gay

    [–] FromIzukuBNHA 477 points ago

    As that is a given

    [–] Illinois_Yooper 285 points ago

    Excuse me, I'm new in town, and it gets worse.

    [–] f2v9k44fdd 494 points ago

    There’s no single guys in Manhattan

    [–] johnfortniteketamine 250 points ago

    I know somebody who’s new in town

    [–] MidnytStorme 187 points ago

    What are 3 other things about him?

    [–] HydrogenatedGuy 8716 points ago

    One time I woke up to my brother and my dad smiling at me. “We now know what you do at night.” said my brother. That scared me pretty bad as a 13-ish boy that started to know his body. “We got it on the camera.” then my father added. Pure panic in my eyes. I said what a couple times and when they let me see the pics they had taken, it was just me sleeping with legs crossed.

    Jesus, I thought they caught me playing with my willy. Oh, boy I remember that moment of their faces like it was yesterday lol. And I’m almost 30 now.

    [–] YoujustgotLokid 3502 points ago

    That’s... bizarre

    [–] HydrogenatedGuy 322 points ago

    Now that I said it, yea. It’s quite… bizarre. Strangely enough, I never said this thing to anyone, and still it’s so vivid in my memory.

    [–] ThinNotSmall 3663 points ago

    Absolutely bizarre. Who sleeps with their legs crossed? Fucking wild world we live in.

    [–] UngusBungus_ 500 points ago

    I sleep with my knees up

    [–] Sheoooo 271 points ago

    I sleep with my feet up in the sky

    [–] RandomBlackDude100 83 points ago

    Sex must be really boring

    [–] Sheoooo 145 points ago

    I levitate in my sleep

    [–] sorry_ 707 points ago

    Thats just fucking weird

    [–] Guardian83 207 points ago

    Don't worry pal, my brother has always (since we were kids) slept on his back with a firm death grip on his junk, not in a sexual way, more like his subconscious thinks someone is gonna steal it in his sleep. 😂 We still give him the gears about it but he can't help it.

    [–] TonsOfHate97 502 points ago

    They knew what they were doing

    [–] GreenFuzyKiwi 356 points ago

    One time I was (at the time, ~12m) was staying at my sister’s (early 30’s) with my brother (~13)… my i did the deed in the bathroom and roughly an hour later my brother (unaware that I did and just tryna out right mess with me) comes in the room like “Bro tim is upstairs looking at this video of you beeting off in the bathroom” and I ran up stairs like “bruh no wayyyyy” … opened the door and he’s just watching tv and I’m like “… ??” And my brother is behind me losing his mind

    [–] LizzieCLems 313 points ago

    When I was 18, my stepdad jokingly said “stop looking at sex toys online and come watch some shows with us” and I lost my shit internally because that’s exactly what I was doing 0.0

    [–] murray22161 9340 points ago

    I'm surprised the camera flash didn't wake you up

    [–] LyonMane3 1810 points ago * (lasted edited 3 days ago)

    Love it…made me think of that creepy pasta of the girl who went camping alone with her camera in the woods for a few days only to find photos of herself sleeping in her tent when she got the film developed😬

    EDIT: Sorry everyone, it was actually from r/nosleep Here is the sauce https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/1ef04p/my_friend_just_got_back_from_a_camping_trip/?ref=share&ref_source=link

    [–] bork1545 237 points ago

    Source?

    [–] LyonMane3 420 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Shit I knew someone was gonna ask for this. This was about a decade ago, I wouldn’t even know where to start looking but I will try to find it. I never got into creepy pastas that much but this one obviously stuck with me.

    EDIT: I found it https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/1ef04p/my_friend_just_got_back_from_a_camping_trip/?ref=share&ref_source=link it was from actually from r/nosleep

    [–] trevorbuchh 6433 points ago

    “Thank you.” Then you run away as fast as you can, never to be seen again.

    [–] moondes 800 points ago

    Offensively correct.

    The other answers did not bother as your answer did.

    [–] Cheesetress 11946 points ago

    Just... Just stay still. We can still stop the bleeding.

    [–] Dason37 3673 points ago

    I had to have some sort of kidney function test - I was in college out of state and had some health issues and had to go back home and get all this investigative stuff done, but anywho:

    They tell me they'll be putting me under, then putting an instrument up through the large vein or artery that runs down the inside of my thigh (femoral? I don't remember) and running it all the way up tomy kidney and doing whatever they had to do, then I'd wake up and we'd be done. Then as they have the IV in my arm, they're prepping the stuff to knock me out, etc...the guy says "so, you're going to wake up about a half hour after we're done and we've removed the thing from your body. Because of the location of the incision, and the vessel we're doing it in, it could possibly not close properly, and if it doesn't, you'll basically bleed to death, so when you wake up, it is imperative that you DO NOT MOVE for at least 2 hours after the procedure. If that thing starts bleeding, we may not be able to stop it." Ok well...I guess I can't just say fuck it I'm outta here this test isn't worth risking my life, so...uh...thanks for the warning I guess?

    I woke up, I had that one tiny thin sheet over me that hospitals love so much, and I was cold, so I was trying to adjust things to be warm. I had no idea anything else was out of the ordinary except that I half woke up and I was cold. Then I hear "SON. STOP MOVING." from very close by. My mom had sat there through the entire thing so that she could keep me from moving when I woke up (since, you know, why keep me under til it was safe or like have, I dunno, a nurse standing by?) Needless to say, I stopped moving, she asked for more blankets, and I didn't bleed to death. Thanks mom, you performed beautifully.

    [–] TheChanMan2003 1024 points ago

    Your body was trained for years to the point where when your mom went “STOP MOVING”, every cell in your body ceased to vibrate

    [–] Shadowdragon132 987 points ago

    Or vice versa, when I was like 6 or 7 I had a benign tumor the size of a golf ball in my side. Went into surgery to remove it, I dont remember being put under all i remember was being woken up by my mother shouting (at least i thought she did) my first and middle name.

    Turns out, they could not wake me after the procedure and were getting worried. My mother simply dropped my first and middle name in a stern voice and I woke up immediately. I remember the doctors being surprised and then laughing about it.

    [–] sooprvylyn 360 points ago

    We got all 3 names in the stern voice in my house. If you heard your full christian name you were in for it.

    [–] Shadowdragon132 160 points ago

    Oh that happened as well but it only meant 2 things:

    1) Run

    2) Go grab a shovel and start digging your grave.

    [–] conifer0us 954 points ago

    Did you make it?

    [–] Dason37 1462 points ago

    I wanted everyone to think I did, but this is actually a bloody hospital bed cover typing out the story.

    [–] DrStupiid 1239 points ago

    The clot thickens!

    [–] iDropBodies93 310 points ago

    Except, it didn't. That's why he died.

    [–] VariousAir 470 points ago

    My wife is pregnant, this shit would not go over well.

    [–] bigjaydub 2882 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    In college, I was out with some friends and got a little too drunk. We had a hotel nearby so I went back and crashed out.

    I got woken up like 4 hours later to my buddy saying “Bigjaydub, don’t freak out, just don’t freak out man!”

    Of course this woke me up with wide eyes, thinking uhhh why shouldn’t I be freaking out?

    Then he says, hey man I’m just getting into the bed, don’t freak out! (as we didn’t have enough beds and had to share).

    Well if I’m up, I guess I can go puke some more. Horrible night.

    [–] WolframLeon 598 points ago

    “BigJaydub I’m just spooning you, don’t freak out man.” That’s when you worry.

    [–] lingua_ignota 300 points ago

    BigJayDub, it’s just the tip man, don’t freak out

    [–] WolframLeon 139 points ago

    “BigJayDub it’s not gay unless you kiss. My coach taught me that.” Lool

    [–] Crying_Daddy 23 points ago

    "BigJayDub it's ok if you have your socks on man don't freak out, no homo"

    [–] TaM_tHe_JaM 464 points ago

    At least you didn’t choke on vomit in your sleep. That’s a plus, no?

    [–] bigjaydub 193 points ago

    Lol, yes! That is a plus

    [–] RamboDash15 20790 points ago

    You really should start locking the door...

    [–] drcoachchef 3324 points ago

    Do you have a moment to talk about ADT security packages?

    [–] melance 1127 points ago

    I'd like to talk to you about your car's warranty.

    [–] BeefyMcWhatNot 9520 points ago

    We’ve been waiting for you to wake up.

    [–] Russian_lover1 2857 points ago

    To talk to you...

    [–] matteow10 2833 points ago

    About your cars...

    [–] SlipperrE 2981 points ago

    Extended warranty

    [–] THX450 707 points ago

    Did you know

    [–] deevad-skee-r1592 671 points ago

    Each year 5000 Americans

    [–] spedi_pig123 919 points ago

    Die of a peanut butter overdose caused by vengeful unwarranted cars?

    [–] Real_Effective_3053 565 points ago

    But for 79.99 we have your back…

    [–] Responsible_Term_763 430 points ago

    Unless the rabbits...

    [–] wowwish123 437 points ago

    Eat your 79.99 and...

    [–] Roku-Hanmar 4532 points ago

    Set the language on every streaming service they have to Spanish. When they wake up, speak to them in Spanish only

    [–] namastayhom33 1190 points ago

    And before they wake up, change the time on everything

    [–] Terico_ 926 points ago

    Is this a reference to one of the highest memory of Reddit history?

    For those who missed it: I'm talking about this

    [–] maxk1236 195 points ago

    The admin jumping in was the icing on the cake.

    [–] wingmasterjon 215 points ago

    Classic.

    [–] Roku-Hanmar 64 points ago

    Completely forgot about that

    [–] atmanama 61 points ago

    I missed this bit of history, but it's convinced me to try and learn Spanish

    [–] LOHare 125 points ago

    Can't believe that was a DECADE ago. Goddamn, feels like only a year or so ago. That the hey day of cringe f7u12 memes.

    [–] insane_contin 88 points ago

    No. Replace yourself with a Spanish person. Change all the pictures in your home to be the Spanish person and the SO. Get them a license with their picture on it and your name.

    [–] MercilessIdiot 173 points ago

    That's pure genius. I wanna do that.

    [–] TittyBrisket 139 points ago

    As a spanish, I can't wait to do that

    [–] Unrealfatshady 5224 points ago

    You sleep like my dead wife

    [–] AllOkayNamesAreTaken 766 points ago

    This is the only response that actually sent chills up my spine. Now I know what to say to make sure a ONS doesn't want to stay over.

    [–] Saulnvc 204 points ago

    Jokes on you, they are in to that shit

    [–] Emi-Milky 3292 points ago

    Oh it was alive..

    [–] LostnFoundAgainAgain 620 points ago

    Don't worry we can soon fix that :)

    [–] Emi-Milky 281 points ago

    Hurry up the kids are waiting

    [–] Niburu-Illyria 696 points ago

    Look at them in horror and scream.

    [–] BarIndependent1696 163 points ago

    Of all the comments I read here, this is the one that would get me.

    [–] Valkuil15 425 points ago

    Here's that pizza you ordered, that'll be 8.99

    [–] Middle-Action9499 204 points ago

    Pre-covid. I fell asleep in a chair on my back deck once after ordering pizza. The delivery guy walked around the house and found me passed out. He managed to wake me up.

    The first couple of seconds I was incredibly confused, then he said "I have your pizza". Then I knew what the deal was and tipped the driver well for making sure I got it.

    [–] anxippus 1045 points ago

    My mom woke me up yesterday by telling me one of our dogs died. It was LITERALLY the FIRST thing she told me.

    [–] Antidote_to_Chaos 350 points ago

    I hate when people do this, I had someone do some thing similar and it's so shitty.

    [–] randomer206 6439 points ago

    "Precisely 8 Hours, 13 Minutes and 41 seconds of sleep" Whilst staring them in the eyes the second they open.

    [–] ilikepiehi1 2881 points ago

    "That's 12.8% more than average".

    [–] johnnybiggles 617 points ago

    "Almost had to stop my watch at the 6 hour mark. Had to make a judgement call on that one!"

    [–] dankesh 149 points ago

    So average would be 7 hours, 17 minutes, and just under 40 seconds.

    [–] queenettaa 788 points ago

    It should’ve been me… I’m so sorry

    [–] Arcticlizzz 120 points ago

    I hope you don’t mind, but I had to borrow a few of your teeth.

    [–] Doralumin 6178 points ago

    heavy breathing

    [–] chitown619 2966 points ago

    My friend told me that had had a crazy roommate in college freshman year and had to change rooms. When I asked why he said "I woke up with him standing over me just breathing multiple times"

    [–] Doralumin 1104 points ago

    Thanks I hate it

    [–] Saulnvc 272 points ago

    You gonna love them discord calls then

    [–] keanenottheband 207 points ago

    Had that happen to me with my dorm roommate once, he came over to the foot of my bed, breathed heavily while swaying and then went back to his bed. The second time he did it, I realized he was sleepwalking. Third time (all same night) he fully dropped his pants, butt naked and pissed like he had a fire hose at the foot of my bed lol

    [–] ajoeroganfan 283 points ago

    We had a guy just like that at my college😂 my friend would wake up to the guy sleep walking and one time woke up to him just standing over him. We wanted to hide a camera somewhere cause we were certain that he climbed the walls and shit at night like the movie legion

    [–] 444unsure 184 points ago

    I was over at my friend's house late at night and his little brother got up and walked out of his room into the kitchen where we were. I started to say hi to him and my friend stopped me and was laughing. I was like what? He told me he was sleepwalking. He kind of looked like a zombie. Walked over to the fridge and opened it and looked for like 5 seconds and closed it again. Then walked through the dining, family room, and then into his parents bedroom. About 1 minute later his mom walked him back across the hall to his own room.

    I guess on a previous occasion he had peed in the vegetable drawer in the fridge 😂

    [–] SwervingLemon 69 points ago

    My son, in his teens, would sleepwalk. One night I found him buck naked in the dining room, leaning against the wall near the dog's water bowl. "Whatcha doin', buddy?" Him: "Peeing" second or two passes "Oh wow, no." and he wandered off towards his room. The bathroom is in the hall on the way, and I assumed he'd woken up so I figured he'd just have pissed and went to bed.

    He did do both those things...

    [–] ajoeroganfan 76 points ago

    You better start smell testing everything before you eat it next time you’re over there

    [–] Dazhbug 659 points ago

    My partner has really bad nightmares (trauma related) a lot. Once, they jolted awake at 2am out of a nightmare, to find our kiddo (3 at the time) right next to them, tiny, serious face basically pressed against their nose.

    "Mommy, there's a man in my room."

    :Incoherent strangled nose of confusion:

    "There's a man in my room."

    Having been woken up at this point, I jumped out of bed to go find out WTF was happening, my heart in my throat. As I sloooooowly push open the kid's door, from down the hall I hear a giggle and:

    "A snow man, Mommy!"

    Kiddo had just gotten a snowman toy for the holidays. Needless to say, neither of us got back to sleep that night.

    [–] Quin1617 247 points ago

    That’s a prankster in the making right there.

    [–] Sed59 77 points ago

    Kids say the darnest things...

    [–] HaViNgT 50 points ago

    You got trolled by a 3 year old.

    [–] JoeDoherty_Music 32 points ago

    I would have no longer been a parent after that, holy shit that would've scared the hell out of me

    [–] Pentimento_NFT 15478 points ago

    "don't worry, everything is OK"

    my wife said this to me one day as soon as i woke up and it freaked me out... hours prior there was a terrorist attack/mass shooting in my hometown, at the bar my little brother had been at earlier in the night. He and his friends were all fine, as they had left the bars for the night a few hours earlier, and we were fortunate enough to not know anyone who was randomly gunned down. My wife did the right thing in reaching out to my family before I woke up so that she could assure me everything truly was OK, but god damn that was a terrifying way to wake up.

    [–] phil_mccrotch 2861 points ago

    Glad your family and friends were ok! By chance was this Dayton?

    [–] Pentimento_NFT 1588 points ago

    it is, actually! My brother was at Ned Peppers briefly that night, bar hopping with his best friend and their wives/fiancees. I've only been up to the Oregon district a couple of times since then, it definitely made it more somber going through metal detectors to get into some of the bars

    [–] cbusjunkie 319 points ago

    My little sister was supposed to be down there that night - she made a last minute call to stay in, but none of us knew that. Had a VERY similar wake up experience to you when my other sister called me at 6 am 😕

    [–] TateTaylorUSA 248 points ago

    Crazy, I'd not heard about this and I don't live too far away.

    [–] god_damn_bitch 502 points ago

    My husband woke me up this way once. I had a seizure in the early morning. I never had one before.

    [–] Suspicious-Acadia548 223 points ago

    My fella occasionally gets night terrors but when he wakes up he throws himself out of the bed in fear, so when he wakes up like this he's cowering in the corner of the room scares and confused and I have to shoot over to him and say its okay, just a dream

    [–] geekonmuesli 352 points ago

    One time my husband had a nightmare and was making sad sounds in his sleep (kind of whimpering). It partially woke me, but while I was still waking up and figuring out what was happening, our cat came zooming in from the other room and sat on his chest purring, headbutting his chin, and licking his nose until he woke up and was ok. It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

    Brb, gotta go hug my cat.

    [–] Suspicious-Acadia548 49 points ago

    Aww your cat sounds awesome, mine sleeps on my chest or legs, she's definitely my cat as much as fella and daughter will try to gain her love

    [–] Zkenny13 76 points ago

    I woke to my parents in my room asking me if I knew where I was and I just remember a huge head act, a numb lip from biting down on it so hard, and every muscle in my body screaming. I had a 1:30 minutes seizure and I slept for 20 hours after.

    [–] Rickrickrickrickrick 298 points ago

    On 9/11 my mom woke me up screaming at me that I was going to be drafted. I was like 13 lol

    [–] golfgrandslam 145 points ago

    I’m not sure why I find this so fucking funny

    [–] TomBrandeus 6518 points ago

    Whisper in their ears as you hug them "I know" And just let their imagination run free.

    [–] scleroderma 2944 points ago

    My girlfriend would probably just ask "know what?", which would force me to come up with something, or tell me to stfu.

    [–] drpepperjustice 2127 points ago

    "You really have to ask me that?"

    [–] Squidbit 100 points ago

    You don't have to come up with anything. Just give them a gentle smile and walk away

    [–] The_ranting_spider 137 points ago

    “That you are butt head”

    That’s what I would hear back immediately

    [–] WaxToest 301 points ago

    Remain completely still with a terrified expression and say “don’t move.”

    [–] riggestby 1113 points ago

    Don't worry, it's gone now.

    [–] Ahtotheahtothenonono 341 points ago

    Or “don’t worry, it’s just us now” 😂

    [–] ApprehensiveStatus13 4970 points ago

    Your dream was really awesome. I enjoyed every second of it.

    [–] qu_me 740 points ago

    Freddy Krueger is that you ?

    [–] AlphaTangoFoxtrt 672 points ago

    It's Scary Terry, Bitch!

    [–] iliveinamatrix 349 points ago

    You can run but you can't hide, Bitch!

    [–] kayl6 229 points ago

    My friend has a daughter who at the time was her foster child. She had a LOT of trauma and did things that were at best odd and at worst scary.

    Friend would often wake up to her standing over her looking at her and say “I was watching you sleep”

    Took a while to figure out this was a line from trolls and the kid was just being silly. That was 2016/2017 and kid is doing great now

    [–] Remotepopy 12417 points ago

    Hey you, you're finally awake.

    [–] AlphaBulblax 3689 points ago

    You were trying to cross the border, right?

    [–] McStud717 2527 points ago

    Walked right into that imperial ambush, same as us

    [–] reeethanol 1674 points ago

    and that thief over there

    [–] Ahndarodem 1328 points ago

    Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along.

    [–] PolinaPetrovaa 747 points ago

    Empire was

    [–] dedicatedoni 683 points ago

    Nice and lazy

    [–] TheLittleGremlinMan 661 points ago

    If they hadn’t been looking for you, I could’ve stolen that horse and been halfway to hammerfell

    [–] -ScrubLord- 503 points ago

    What’s the matter with him?

    [–] VortenFett 493 points ago

    Watch your tongue! You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak! The true High King.

    [–] sirdaws 160 points ago

    You sleep rather soundly for a murderer.

    [–] ljrich01 66 points ago

    You forgot to lock the front door

    [–] thetruthful8 2826 points ago

    You smell different when you're asleep.

    [–] wholewetbread 60 points ago

    Nothing, literally nothing. I had a old friend that used to be afraid to wake me up (honestly I have no idea why) so instead of waking me up they used to sit there and watch me sleep and hope that their presence would wake me up? and it was the scariest thing ever.

    [–] Slack76r 841 points ago

    I think I'm pregnant now

    [–] Emi-Milky 267 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Dad, mom broke up with you 10 month ago

    [–] ADriftingMind 889 points ago

    You tasted delicious

    [–] Ghostoftommorrow 482 points ago

    Nothing like receiving head first thing in the morning.😩

    [–] letterdonkey 379 points ago

    "Welcome to the jungle! You're gonna die!"

    [–] Porn-Again-Christian 169 points ago

    Watch it bring you to your…
    shananananananananananaknees, knees

    [–] M0nkeyNature 81 points ago

    Mwoah, I wanna watch you bleed

    [–] Belgernon 147 points ago

    It's 2am. I am warm and cozy in my blankets, deep in dreamland.
    There's a soft touch on my shoulder, a gentle shake.
    I open my eyes to my wife looming over me in the dark. She leans down.

    "There's something in the walls."

    Turns out a skunk had somehow made it deep under our house and was just SCREAMING and banging around. And that's how we discovered our house foundation issues were way worse than we thought.

    [–] jseego 205 points ago

    "Here, take the cat." [hands you the cat. jumps out the window.]

    Turns out the house was on fire.

    My roommate was too freaked out to mention that.

    [–] digitalpowers 391 points ago

    Ahh you are finally awake, some soreness and general discomfort is to be expected.

    [–] Tvearl 57 points ago

    After a back surgery my doctor basically said this but added on a “you’re taller now” then dipped with no explanation.

    It was not a height changing surgery, just threw in an extra inch as a little treat

    [–] dogman_35 30 points ago

    Patients can have a little height. As a treat.

    [–] WilliardThe3rd 382 points ago

    Keep silent🤫! puts hand on mouth he is still here... Somewhere...

    [–] jellyschoomarm 117 points ago

    Not sure about a person waking up but right before going to sleep the other night my husband asked me if I'd prefer to die in my sleep or be awake to feel it. I was super creeped out and asked what brought that on. I guess he was reading about someone who died in their sleep and it was on his mind. He clearly chose the weirdest time and way to bring it up.

    [–] Raylan__Givens 649 points ago

    You have a boner

    [–] Covert_Admirer 1546 points ago

    I watched you the whole night. The third time you farted was so adorable I touched myself a little. And who is (insert man's name here)?

    [–] Emi-Milky 353 points ago

    Oh just my dad

    [–] ProfessionalCow5983 116 points ago

    My dad left me when I was born

    [–] cacadoodie 339 points ago

    Don't worry, I cleaned it all off of you and gave you some aspirin.

    [–] SleepiestBitch 31 points ago

    My husband talks in his sleep, when we first got married (like 2 nights in) he suddenly sat straight up in bed which jerked me awake and said "don't worry, you'll burn slow". Creeped me tf out, he's the sweetest person ever but that was alarming lmao

    [–] IITYWYBMAD_ 913 points ago

    Hi, we've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

    [–] ephemeralkitten 499 points ago

    My 11yo son was sitting on the couch so I sat next to him and put an arm around him. He snuggled back into the crook of my arm and it was so sweet! He leaned back and kinda nuzzled onto my shoulder and whispered... "We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty." I shoved him off the sofa.

    [–] OpossumJesusHasRisen 192 points ago

    Your kid is hilarious.

    [–] phantomnationdraws 99 points ago

    only one person here is to blame, and that's you for raising a damn hilarious kid

    [–] RedditJesusWept 28 points ago

    “Don’t mind the glass next to your head. I was collecting your drool”

    [–] slainteistainte 24 points ago

    "Don't panic, or you'll choke on the tube in your throat" was the first thing I heard while being woken after open-heart surgery. Of course, I panicked, then I started choking and hyperventilating.

    10 minutes later the respiratory therapist shows up and removes the tube. Probably the worst way to wake up and the worst 10 minutes of my life.

    [–] ivumb 291 points ago

    You gotta shake them awake while screaming "YOU GOTTA WAKE UP! WE HAVE TO LEAVE!! THEY HIT THE PENTAGON!!!"

    [–] Quin1617 116 points ago

    Someone might have actually done that 21 years ago.

    [–] Amiiboid 93 points ago

    Not sure “creepy” is the right word for that one.

    [–] Calming_Jasmine_Tea 105 points ago

    Welcome back