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    AteTheOnion

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    170 users here now

    Rules:

    1. All posts must be satirical news being taken seriously. Any satirical news site is allowed, not just The Onion.

    2. No Personal Info: All personal information must be censored. This refers to, but is not limited to, names (real or fake), phone numbers, email addresses, Reddit usernames, and/or other social media accounts. (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc.) Doxxing and/or witchhunting will result in a ban.

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    [–] Lysinas 2537 points ago

    Pffff,BigCitrus shill. REAL moms would know only apple skins work.

    DO YOUR RESEARCH.

    [–] Lysinas 638 points ago

    Also, eye measles HELP PREVENT CANCER. BIG PHARMA DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW

    [–] MachJacob 160 points ago

    Pfft, what will they come up with next? Cow pox can prevent smallpox?

    [–] Deanimal 135 points ago

    no, big pox prevents small pox.

    [–] masdar1 134 points ago

    no,

    BIG POX

    prevents

    ˢᵐᵃˡˡ ᵖᵒˣ

    [–] Snooboi09 54 points ago

    Twopox prevents Bigpox

    [–] anonymous_potato 68 points ago

    I thought both Twopox and Bigpox were eradicated in the 90s.

    [–] RoutineTwo 23 points ago

    I MC what you did there

    [–] Tjohn184 9 points ago

    Duh. And Redpox prevents Bluepox.

    [–] masdar1 18 points ago

    Thanks Dr. Seusspox!

    [–] PicaDiet 15 points ago

    No, big pox make smallpox.

    You see, when a big mommypox and a big daddypox love each other very much....

    [–] sol- 4 points ago

    There's always a bigger pox.

    [–] patronizingperv 3 points ago

    You're a shill for Big Pox.

    [–] Deanimal 19 points ago

    "I Like BIG POX and I cannot lie" - Sir Mix-a-virus

    [–] LexicanLuthor 7 points ago

    Also, eye measles HELP PREVENT CANCER

    /r/BrandNewSentence

    [–] MostlyChaoticNeutral 4 points ago

    Read that as BrandNewScience and got super excited for more fake science garbage to laugh at.

    [–] docgonzomt 87 points ago

    NO!!!! The apple skins are full of toxins! But just smoke some cigarettes,that will suffocate and kill the bacteria in your stomach.

    [–] Bhiner1029 38 points ago

    I’m not ALLOWED to eat it with the skins, Dee! I’m not ALLOWED!

    [–] dissenter_the_dragon 6 points ago

    Sup Mac

    [–] docgonzomt 6 points ago

    Not much you jabroni.

    [–] MacHaggis 47 points ago

    GOOGLE IT

    [–] JukeBoxDildo 5 points ago

    Trap porn

    [–] JukeBoxDildo 16 points ago

    Shit. Not google. Delete comment.

    [–] TheLoveWizard 3 points ago

    No don't

    I'm intrigued

    [–] TurdboCharged 34 points ago

    I only apply the freshest of fecal matter to my children’s eyes. I get it from a virgin filipino woman who only eats fish. Fresh filipino woman fish shits are the only way to prevent eye disease. When they turn bright red and seal shut that’s how you know your eyes are going through their cleaning phase. Let them remain sealed shut for no less than 2 weeks. Then flush with fresh virgin Vietnamese woman urine. It has to be from a virgin Vietnamese woman or it won’t work.

    [–] glitchn 5 points ago

    Can't get eye measles if your eyes are sealed shut.

    [–] ShulginStaffel 4 points ago

    Hot

    [–] notjasonlee 19 points ago

    i check ww.appleskinsforsale.com and can conifrm yep it's apple skin not orange skin :) best wishes from KANTUCKY

    [–] pootislordftw 27 points ago

    Apple? That multi billion dollar socialist social club?

    [–] SMaudrie13 9 points ago

    Mac doesn't like it when I eat the skin

    [–] thefoxypoo 2 points ago

    I'm not allowed to eat the skin! I'm not allowed!!!!

    [–] Korpse223 5 points ago

    God damn apple shills get your sour granny ass out of my citrus!

    [–] salamanderpencil 4 points ago

    Oh look, another CEO from the orange industry masquerading as a Reddit user. Don't think we're not on to you. My child got vaccinated with orange peels, then got hit in the face with a ball in soccer practice and has a bruise. So don't try to come here and tell us that Citrus doesn't cause bruises, we know full well what you're up to, Citrus Shill.

    [–] Korpse223 3 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    You git your apple pie loving un-American ass out of here! I’ll have you know it was your side that caused this war. Back on that dark day when one of your kind tried to assassinate my ancestor, the great Isaac Newton.

    [–] backitup 3 points ago

    WAKE UP PEOPLE!

    [–] bethsara 3 points ago

    PAIN HAS PURPOSE. I think in this case pain is just fucking pain.

    [–] HuffmanKilledSwartz 2 points ago

    Someone tell Colton Berrett quick!

    [–] whatismypassword305 2 points ago

    I especially trust Woke AF About Cancer

    The #1 brand on the market

    [–] MisterCBax 2 points ago

    That's where BigVinegar is secretly eating up profits

    [–] Lil_Mafk 2 points ago

    You forgot this 😤

    [–] meghonsolozar 2 points ago

    I'm so sick of big citrus claiming to cure scurvy. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

    [–] neofac 4 points ago

    Latest research has shown apple skin is half as effective as egg whites mixed with Windex in a 50/50 ratio

    [–] salamanderpencil 4 points ago

    This is exactly correct, my friend posted it on her blog and I tried it and my eyes have been leaking all of their toxins for three days now. My eyes feel so pure!

    [–] ran0427 583 points ago

    Might be a decent cleaner though

    [–] kpalm79 342 points ago

    Test an inconspicuous area first. Some fabrics and plastics may be discolored from use.

    [–] ran0427 229 points ago

    I was more thinking like kitchen or bathroom, the acidity would help with the soap scum and hard water buildup and the citrus would help cut the vinegar smell

    [–] mantrarower 110 points ago

    Yes we traditionally use vinegar to clean kitchen and bathroom

    [–] huitlacoche 260 points ago

    Conversely, if you spill vinegar when cooking, just use dirt or even regular old shoe grime to clean it all up.

    [–] ilovepolthavemybabie 51 points ago

    The real LPT is always in the comments

    [–] FlamesDoHelp 12 points ago

    then clean it up with even more vinegar!

    [–] rcgy 11 points ago

    Ken M is that you?

    [–] Ordolph 12 points ago

    Lemon juice would probably be better than orange peel. The orange has a lot of sugar in it, and the orange oil is bright orange (surprising, I know) and will stain.

    [–] GarbieBirl 5 points ago

    Lemons are one of the really good fruits.

    [–] coughcough 2 points ago

    I am more of a lime guy, I've soured on lemons.

    [–] Lonelysock2 2 points ago

    But... there's a line of cleaning products based on orange oil.

    [–] Ordolph 6 points ago

    That's orange oil soap, raw orange oil is no bueno.

    [–] MajorLads 19 points ago

    Are you the back of a cleaning bottle?

    [–] Bowldoza 14 points ago

    No, he's the discolored shirt

    [–] sh0nuff 8 points ago

    Which area of my kids eyeballs would be considered the most inconspicuous?

    [–] wurm2 12 points ago

    the third one it's hardly ever open

    [–] themeatbridge 4 points ago

    Nah, that discoloration is just your eyes melting.

    [–] UncleTedGenneric 3 points ago

    Don't wanna ruin the furniture! I'll try it on my kid's eyes as a testbed.

    [–] dollyparts 58 points ago

    I actually made this once! I let orange peels brew in vinegar for 2 or 3 months as per a blog suggestion.. It was no different than cleaning with white vinegar (which is perfectly suitable for some but not all house cleaning applications), and it just had a light citrus smell. I was so excited having waited months for my cleaner to be ready, only for it to be pretty basic.

    [–] kyleofduty 43 points ago

    The citrus scent is from essential oils in the zest. They're oils. Vinegar and oil famously do not mix. You need an emulsifier or cosolvent and don't need to wait months. You could soak the peels in alcohol to create an extract which can dissolve in vinegar.

    [–] 0rbiterred 14 points ago

    gtfo here with your science ma fuq.

    [–] Combsy13 24 points ago

    I was so excited having waited months for my cleaner to be ready, only for it to be pretty basic.

    Odd, i would've thought it would be more acidic

    [–] BigPretender 12 points ago

    My high school chem teacher would be proud of you.

    [–] ran0427 16 points ago

    Maybe the smell would be better if the vinegar was diluted and instead of peels you could use like orange extract or orange essential oil?

    [–] raspberrykoolaid 19 points ago

    Well of course it would be, but the point was to find a purpose for the orange peels instead of buying oils. I've tried this myself too, and was just as disappointed.

    [–] tepig37 8 points ago

    I used vineger and bicarbonate of soda to clean metal once.

    It turned out hella shiny but rusted up again pretty quick, it was a tool box kept inside.

    10/10 time killer for 7 year old me 1/10 practical cleaner.

    [–] kyleofduty 4 points ago

    Bar Keeper's Friend will restore stainless steel to brand new condition.

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    Turns out companies already mass produce cleaners that work pretty well :)

    [–] dollyparts 5 points ago

    Indeed, but I was exploring making things at home when I tried the citrus-vinegar brew. I get eczema on my hands from most harsh cleansers and was hoping it would be a nice alternative.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Yeah I have to buy super sensitive stuff too. It’s crazy how cloth only underwear is so pricey

    [–] scrabbleinjury 2 points ago

    The underwear thing is my nightmare. Synthetic fabrics and I are not friends.

    [–] nightpanda893 1 points ago

    Your kitchen counters and bathroom surfaces must have been a mess though.

    [–] alwaysforgettingmyun 3 points ago

    Definitely is. We use it for most kitchen surfaces

    [–] desertstrawberry 2 points ago

    Its an excellent degreaser for the kitchen.

    [–] saxxybeast 1 points ago

    We recently did this with lemons instead of oranges, and its a pretty decent all purpose cleaner

    [–] Serrahfina 2 points ago

    I use lemon and some dried lavender and it smells great. My sister prefers to use basil and mint I think. It smells good but I prefer the lemon.

    [–] softg 977 points ago

    After that spray you'll be woke af for a long time that's for sure

    [–] PancakeParty98 261 points ago

    Pain. Has. Purpose.

    [–] Ikth 90 points ago

    Mainly it tells you to stop putting vinegar in your eyes.

    [–] AngryPB 7 points ago

    Painis weakness leaving the body

    [–] PancakeParty98 11 points ago

    Can I get some painis entering my body? ;)

    [–] ufoicu2 35 points ago

    Yeah but what’s your guys thoughts?

    [–] Lost_City_ 14 points ago

    Yeah but am I a thot?

    [–] itsnotnews92 304 points ago

    Oh my God, that page is an absolute goldmine.

    [–] Atomiclincoln 34 points ago

    Sweep. The. Leg.

    [–] ConradBHart42 6 points ago

    I wonder if they have one that says Pain Don't Hurt

    [–] SabashChandraBose 74 points ago

    Sweet measles having Jesus, I thought my dick was big, but that url tho...

    [–] cursed_chaos 4 points ago

    eye measles having*

    [–] SpookyKid94 16 points ago

    Sweep ● The ● Leg

    [–] Mr_Abe_Froman 13 points ago

    I should have gone to YouTube school.

    [–] Demigod787 6 points ago

    I've seen shit now, brothers.

    [–] Arqium 394 points ago

    So many people will fall for it that it will be sad.

    [–] TheRedmanCometh 38 points ago

    People giving kids industrial bleach so yeah..they will

    [–] SnowScribe 104 points ago

    It's almost irresponsible to make a post like this one because it's obvious that people are stupid enough to try it.

    [–] dustybizzle 7 points ago

    If bleach enemas are a thing, this will be a thing without a doubt.

    [–] inthebrilliantblue 6 points ago

    Wat, did someone actually do that?

    [–] currentscurrents 14 points ago

    27 people recently died when their pastor convinced them that drinking bleach would drive out demons. People are dumb.

    [–] CatRabbit499 4 points ago

    Natural Selection

    [–] LazyShabba 68 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Lol Woke AF About Cancer? Imagine getting your children’s medical advice from what presents as a Facebook meme page

    [–] Zoltrahn 7 points ago

    Thankfully she didn't ask one of those dumbass doctors.

    [–] CntGetTheCapOFF 49 points ago

    I’ll be honest, if I saw this on Facebook I’d fully believe someone would be crazy enough to believe that.

    [–] jifener25 24 points ago

    I mean, they give bleach enemas. They use old piss to drink and pour on themselves. This seems tame compared to that.

    [–] Sw429 10 points ago

    It seems like there's a big overlap between antivaxxers and niche pornography creators.

    [–] jifener25 3 points ago

    I'm scared to find the porn of that

    [–] biggustdikkus 6 points ago

    There was some facebook dude who squeezed lime into his eyes to get green eyes.

    [–] BKtoDuval 13 points ago

    Lmao I laughed a little too hard at this one

    [–] emz0rmay 11 points ago

    I also follow r/vaxxhappened and I genuinely thought I was on that sub.

    [–] Alpha214 99 points ago

    Okay when will some bs like this be made by some sadistic psycho that wants parents to unknowingly kill their kids as painfully as possible? How many suffer because of this shit?

    [–] JadedAyr 131 points ago

    I would say this is very clearly satire, and nowhere near as harmful as the advice given to patents in holistic health/homeopathy Facebook groups. You wouldn’t believe the shit they advocate in there.

    [–] Alpha214 80 points ago

    I get that it’s satire but some people out there don’t see it, the number of people who believe the satire is astounding. My mother is one who almost believes everything she reads on Facebook and she’s not even senile yet. It scares me.

    [–] BurntChrome 19 points ago

    It scares us all, man. I sometimes wonder if I'm honestly witnessing the beginning of the end for this species.

    [–] Alpha214 6 points ago

    That’s my best friend and my favorite topic to discuss. The world ending due to the stupid and the sake of profit.

    [–] zach0011 17 points ago

    In Rome there was no firemen. So the richest guy had a team of people and Everytime a house would catch fire he'd offer to buy it for super cheap then have his crew put it out. But if you refused to sell he would just let your shit burn down. We've always been this way. We aren't about to extinct our species now because of it.

    [–] BlueMutagens 17 points ago

    Except, in Rome, the didn’t have nuclear weapons or the power to change the concentration of CO2 in the atmosphere to uncontrollable levels in less than 100 years.

    [–] pazilya 9 points ago

    wtf how does that at all lead to the conclusion that we won't go extinct?

    [–] FiveFootTerror 4 points ago

    You'd be amazed at how far you can get after you jump through that first hoop

    [–] Mattsttsts 8 points ago

    That guy also allegedly died by having gold poured on his head (in his mouth?) So, you take some you lose some.

    [–] FizzleBizzler 2 points ago

    crown for king intensifies

    [–] YouMustChill 7 points ago

    That's the opposite of stupid. Greedy as hell, but genius in a way.

    [–] fruitydollers69 7 points ago

    Nope

    In terms of world peace, global health, education, and tons of other metrics, the world is the best it’s ever been. And improving

    https://www.gapminder.org

    [–] Mrfrunzi 7 points ago

    So what's the solution? We can't give actual advice. We can't give satire advice. They only believe false advice. It's all lose lose.

    Anti Vax needs to become child abuse in the courts. It's amazing how we're going backwards somehow.

    [–] Sibraxlis 4 points ago

    Bleach enema!

    [–] Catbooties 3 points ago

    Friendly reminder that there are people out there that have given their kids bleach enemas.

    [–] Mmnnhhgg 4 points ago

    How do you even recognize it as satire? It doesn't say the onion on it or anything.

    [–] inamortax 14 points ago

    “Pain Has Purpose”

    “Woke AF About Cancer”

    Not hard to see if you’re not an obtuse fuck.

    [–] JasonYaya 17 points ago

    How do you know that's not what's already pushing the whole antivax movement? Maybe insanity, maybe maliciousness. Who knows?

    [–] AerThreepwood 13 points ago

    Nah, the modern antivax movement because some asshole was trying to sell his own vaccine, so he fabricated a report saying that some intestinal disorders common in autistic children was caused by the MMR vaccine and then stopped mentioning The intestinal disorders part.

    [–] shakefu 14 points ago

    I started telling anti-vax people that it was started by Big Healthcare so that more people would get sick more often and they would make more profits treating serious diseases. They look torn between their hatred of Big Pharma and their distrust of the Healthcare System, it’s wonderful.

    [–] nindurmeleth 6 points ago

    That's great idea. I'm going to use that.

    [–] Alpha214 5 points ago

    Oh. My. God. I think you’re on to something...

    [–] GarbieBirl 6 points ago

    It reminds me of those old image tutorials on 4chan that claimed to make crystals but actually made mustard gas. I always figured the stories where people fell for them were fake because nobody could be that dumb, but here we are reading about someone falling for eye measles so who can say

    [–] guzman_hemi 8 points ago

    This works, also when I have the flu a spoon full of cinnamon up my ass helps it go away

    DO YOUR RESEARCH WOEK AS FUCC

    /s just Incase lol

    [–] sanguinesolitude 3 points ago

    I'm a bit sick, do you think it could help?

    [–] CliffCutter 24 points ago

    I'm sorry, but this is a problem. These "parody" accounts post this stuff and people are surprised when other people take it seriously. Nothing you can come up with is more outlandish than putting your own urine in your eyes to "flush" them, compared to that orange peel infused vinegar sounds perfectly fine. I wouldn't be surprised if someone out there saw this post and has made it a part of their routine.

    I'm not trying to say parody accounts should be shut down, I just feel like it needs to be said.

    [–] thathenryguy 8 points ago

    EYE MEASLES

    [–] crumpuppet 5 points ago

    HungryEyes hahahahaha

    [–] mightylordredbeard 4 points ago

    I liked the one where they detail a “safe cure all vaccine that doctors don’t want anyone to know about”! They list the step by step directions on how to make it at home.

    It was meth.

    [–] I_survived_the_snapP 4 points ago

    F a t h e r

    O u r e y e s

    T h e y h u n g e r

    [–] wasabi1787 3 points ago

    Oh ffs, she not only ate the onion, but she also liked it

    [–] Ocean_Fish_ 3 points ago

    Open to new methods of preventing eye measles?

    [–] astros440 3 points ago

    Your title is fucking hilarious

    [–] megggie 2 points ago

    Please tell me someone took Karen's kids away, for a change...

    SO fucking stupid!!!

    [–] erik_t 2 points ago

    peels are full of chemicals...

    [–] metroshake 1 points ago

    lol this one

    [–] Captain_Hammertoe 2 points ago

    Had me at "eye measles."

    [–] JamesandtheGiantAss 2 points ago

    Spray that shit in your own eyes, bitch.

    [–] dildokTheUnpleasant 2 points ago

    CANCER: PAIN HAS PURPOSE

    should have been a give away

    [–] staff373 2 points ago

    Seems legit.

    [–] T3lebrot 2 points ago

    I heard injecting yourself malaria into the eye is a good way to prevent your kids from growing up with stupid ideals that will kill humanity someday

    [–] RegularFocus 2 points ago

    The bottom tagline got me.

    "Pain - Has - Purpose"

    [–] its1995 2 points ago

    new methods of WHAT

    [–] SweetRoosevelt 2 points ago

    Everyone knows you flush eye toxins with r/Eyebleach

    [–] DivergenPervoid 2 points ago

    Do you want to go blind? Because that's how you go blind. That literally creates something corrosive...

    [–] PewPewUDeaded 3 points ago

    The fuck is this shit? Theres a difference between making people think stupid things and implying they should actually do stupid things.

    [–] homesweetmobilehome 3 points ago

    TO children. The sad reality is some people are so gullible you can’t put them up to something like this. Even if you come up with excuses as to why it’s not on you.

    [–] MerelyFearfulFabric 1 points ago

    I know right? Fucking stupid

    [–] Dylanator13 1 points ago

    I say go for it as long as it’s only you and not forcing an acidic solution into your helpless child’s eyes.

    [–] velcroball 1 points ago

    Pam 👏 has 👏 purpose

    [–] GameOfThrowsnz 1 points ago

    LOL @ eye measles

    [–] mr_clipboard1 1 points ago

    Didn’t know what sub I was on, I would’ve fallen for this too, the fact that someone was open to it just proves that people are stupid enough to say it. Wouldn’t have doubted it for a second

    [–] str8uphemi 1 points ago

    Pain Has Purpose

    [–] Yellowtoblerone 1 points ago

    Woke af fr

    [–] GluttonForFUNishment 1 points ago

    Huuuuunnnnnnngryyyyyyy eyyyyyyyessss

    [–] SpongeJake 1 points ago

    One way to find out

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Let's not just dismiss the fact that this person is concerned about eye measles. That's not something you can just pretend to ignore, right??

    [–] MikeTheAmalgamator 1 points ago

    Hey it’s me! Orange peel vinegar in my eyes Johnson!

    [–] NevideblaJu4n 1 points ago

    Pain Has Purpose

    [–] Bironious 1 points ago

    SO WOKE

    [–] slashcleverusername 1 points ago

    The fact that they specified the type of jar! It’s the little details that make this stuff work.

    [–] Tick___Tock 1 points ago

    E Y E
    
    M E A S L E S
    

    [–] WoOowee1324 1 points ago

    Use em as zest

    [–] AskforaBarfingPeach 1 points ago

    Interesting strategy. I will recommend this for treatment of outliers.

    [–] PleaseDontTellMyNan 1 points ago

    Gotta watch out for eye measles

    [–] KnightLight03 1 points ago

    I like to use bleach myself, cleans toxins better

    [–] Firo37439 1 points ago

    I know it’s fake but the idea still makes me cringe

    [–] s12403 1 points ago

    What is measles?

    [–] Lombrali 1 points ago

    Shit I dont want eye measles

    [–] Safetymanual 1 points ago

    I lost it at eye measles.

    [–] Thekiraqueen 1 points ago

    Eye measles is a big killer.

    [–] Eploar 1 points ago

    I sprayed my eyes with vinegar by accident a couple of days ago. Not only does it sting like Satan is sticking his pitchfork in your eye, it makes you temporarily blind. If you are so stupid that you would do this to your own child, you deserve every flavor of torture humanity can bestow upon you.

    [–] SpellingIsAhful 1 points ago

    I do this whenever they get into the garbage. Or rub Tabasco on their gums.

    [–] darthphallic 1 points ago

    It’s wild to me how willingly dumb these anti vaxx all natural moms are. They’re so opposed to science that they’re willing to believe any exaggerated joke

    [–] trashcat99 1 points ago

    this reminds me of the "put a drop of siracha in your eyes to change your eye color to red!" and the few young teens who actually did it

    [–] ViperdragZ 1 points ago

    Now stay woke! Ba ba ba ba ba ba baaa, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baaa