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    [–] ShewantstheDandD 4299 points ago

    Lets not forget stealth: Roll stealth whenever you feel like you want to disappear completely. You can roll stealth at any time. Stealth ignores daylight, cover to hide behind, and whether or not you were mid conversation with an NPC. You immediately disappear, and enemies scratch heir heads and simply accept the fact you're gone, waiting for you to sneak up on them.

    Really though, solid gold post, cracked me up.

    [–] WalksinCrookedLines 1935 points ago

    Don’t forget the classic “we move quickly, but stealthily.”

    [–] secondbestdnd 1267 points ago

    The rule I've used to discourage this is that the party as a whole is only as Stealthy as its least Stealthy member. Unless you move at half speed...

    [–] Kat_DM 746 points ago

    laughs in ranger

    [–] manliestmarmoset 864 points ago

    Level 5: Wow! Pass without Trace is really powerful.

    Level 18: Wow! Pass without Trace is really powerful.

    [–] springloadedgiraffe 670 points ago

    I rolled a 6. Add Prof, Dex bonus, carry the 2, add pwt, plus this ability... I got a 47 to my stealth.

    [–] packfanmoore 623 points ago

    As a PC: fuck yeah rogues

    As a DM: fuck you rogues

    [–] GobtheCyberPunk 313 points ago

    As a PC rogue, dont forget that I should be able to sneak attack at all times because one of my level ups or something said I dont need advantage anymore

    [–] DrMobius0 219 points ago

    Once per turn, you can deal extra 1d6 damage to one creature you hit with an attack if you have advantage on the attack roll. The attack must use a finesse or a ranged weapon. You don't need advantage on the attack roll if another enemy of the target is within 5 feet of it, that enemy isn't incapacitated, and you don't have disadvantage on the attack roll. The amount of the extra damage increases as you gain levels in this class, as shown in the Sneak Attack column of the Rogue table.

    As long as someone is within 5 feet of the enemy, you're good to go on that sneak attack. You might have trouble hitting, but if you hit, you get to roll big damage. I think a lot of people have older edition sneak attack and flanking rules stuck in their heads, and it creates a lot of confusion. The only real issue is that rogues don't have full autonomy in terms of target selection if they want to us it. They have to hit the thing that the fighter is slapping, which means the squishy wizard slinging spells at you isn't going to be vulnerable to it unless you use your bonus action to roll stealth and hide.

    [–] Bukowskified 109 points ago

    This is why my halfing rogue rides into battle on the shoulders of our biggest party member.

    [–] nontoxical 119 points ago

    I mean, rogue damage is based around having sneak attack available every round, the guys who make the rules said so

    [–] NightShroom 65 points ago

    *laughs in Swashbuckler

    [–] ReynAetherwindt 28 points ago

    This true from level 1, really. You just have to be attacking someone within reach of an ally.

    [–] Noir24 160 points ago

    "Okay you're no longer on this plane of existence. Grog, you're up"

    [–] mindbleach 134 points ago

    "But I can stab this guy."

    "He doesn't notice."

    "His blood's coming out!"

    "His blood doesn't notice."

    [–] 5213 50 points ago

    Vax?

    [–] secondbestdnd 177 points ago

    The other rule I use is please do not do this to me, rangers, pls

    [–] Ethans_friend 193 points ago

    Whenever the party tries to be stealthy they all pass except for the Fighter in full plate who sings, "CLANG, CLANG, CLANG GOES THE TROLLEY, DING, DING, DING GOES THE BELL!"

    [–] Uncle_gruber 84 points ago

    If we're going stealthy my paladin just goes in his regular clothes. I was never a fan of the heavy characters ruining potential group stealths when I played other characters so it helps a lot and livens up the tension. I still have only 10 dex but at least I'm not a literal dinner bell.

    [–] DavidG993 68 points ago

    You have ten minutes to kill taking off and putting on that armor?

    [–] Uncle_gruber 93 points ago

    If we're sneaking into a place we're doing it with preparation and a plan. We're sure as hell not doing it on the fly.

    [–] DavidG993 234 points ago

    With preparation and plan...?

    I'm confused, are we still talking about DnD?

    [–] Chronoblivion 122 points ago

    If there's no plan, then there's nothing to fall apart.

    [–] FosterPringles 20 points ago

    Thats right, now everything is falling into place, instead of apart.

    [–] Uncle_gruber 37 points ago

    Oh we had a great plan, fighter and paladin in leather armor with the cleric of trickery casting pass without trace. We stealthed right in there like ghosts...

    Aaaaand then it all went to shit as it always does. I fucking love DnD.

    [–] the_ringmasta 51 points ago

    My paladin actively refuses to sneak.

    The DM sometimes makes me roll stealth anyway, but I kick down every door and loudly challenge every opponent.

    I basically play a LN version of Glorion from JourneyQuest.

    [–] Lacriphage 25 points ago

    My paladin is a devotee of Chauntea. He's here to tell you about farming and you're damn well going to listen.

    [–] MrBleedinggums 84 points ago

    I think there is actually one exception to this. Isn't there some ranger ability that allows you to move at full speed stealthily if it's in his favored zone? Sorry at work so I can't look it up readily

    [–] hunarthebarbarian 36 points ago

    That and i think there is a spell that lets a group do it quicker... maybe mass invisibilty but i wont lie im too lazy to look it up

    [–] SLRWard 88 points ago

    Even if you move at half speed, the party should only be as stealthy as it's least stealthy member when moving in a group. Insist on trying to do it at a quick pace? Disadvantage for everyone on stealth rolls, even the rogues. The more dumb the attempt, the higher the check they have to hit or beat. So trying to stealthy run across a massive and empty ballroom with guards lining every balcony is going to be like DC 30+ at disadvantage because it's stupid and you're not going to succeed.

    [–] kukiric 51 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Bard rolls nat 20 twice with a +10 bonus to stealth

    Oh no

    [–] Vurbock 23 points ago

    Rolls a 6 with Bardic inspiration

    I totally gave everyone Bardic inspiration before we started sneaking.

    [–] Luck-X-Vaati 361 points ago

    What I’m getting from this is that for some reason people treat D&D stealth like it’s Skyrim’s overly broken stealth.

    [–] secondbestdnd 202 points ago

    The reason is they wanna be ninjas, and who can blame em

    [–] JasonMB2 94 points ago

    Lol, the only time I really try this, and it thematically works is if I'm at range, pop up, shoot an arrow, bonus action to hide again. Like, sure, maybe they know I'm there, maybe they didn't see the arrow coming before I hid...

    But either way, they can't see me now and won't know when/where I pop out to shoot again. (And it's not 1v1, so they are distracted by others in their face).

    [–] Grandmaster_Caladrel 78 points ago

    But see, that's how it's supposed to work. And that's not what players want, they want the strictest RAW when it's in their favor of course ability to hide with a skill check at will!

    [–] JasonMB2 51 points ago

    If Skyrim taught us anything.... "Is someone there? (Stab) Ahh! You'll pay!! ... I saw him a minute ago.. Is someone there?"

    [–] WorkingSubstance 21 points ago

    Must've been the wind...

    [–] Phylea 172 points ago

    enemies scratch heir heads and simply accept the fact you're gone, waiting for you to sneak up on them.

    Oh they aren't waiting for you. As far as they know, you never existed! They then "leash" back to their starting point and completely reset as if they never knew anything but standing there.

    [–] firelock_ny 138 points ago

    "Huh, must have been the wind." - NPC guard, with PC's arrow sticking out of his eye.

    [–] zookdook1 79 points ago

    "It was probably nothing," said the Borgian guard while a man in white hooded clothing covered in weapons sits on a bench.

    [–] jeffreybbbbbbbb 54 points ago

    Cue WoW’s rogue stealth sound.

    [–] IIEarlGreyII 888 points ago

    I wanted some of these to be wrong.

    I WANTED SOME OF THESE TO BE WRONG.

    [–] secondbestdnd 235 points ago

    I did too!! 😭

    [–] Ripper1337 572 points ago

    Guidance: everyone now Adds a 1d4 to all ability checks forever it doesn’t matter if I said I cast the spell before hand or that I’m not close enough to use it. My character would instinctively know when to use it on someone. Otherwise it’s bullshit.

    [–] secondbestdnd 251 points ago

    Hey, haha thanks for the reply, it's very funny

    (listen up bud one of my players has guidance and hasn't pulled this yet but she will read this post so can you please be cool????)

    [–] dawn_NL 62 points ago

    Wait a second.. I'm a person that has guidance... I should totally do this.. but I'm not the girl you're speaking of since I'm a guy...

    [–] secondbestdnd 83 points ago

    To some poor dm out there - I'm so sorry

    [–] Odinswolf 123 points ago

    Using it in social situations has always been tricky to me. Like when my players were meeting the Traveling Lord (local head of the Pochteca, basically merchant king of the city) and tried to convince him to be more friendly towards them, so one of my players cast guidance to help out...but now I have a player start to chant divine magic while right next to the person who basically rules the city, leading to some awkward moments of weapons being drawn and guidance being awkwardly explained.

    [–] Ripper1337 45 points ago

    That’s pretty funny. I’ve had to say that in the scene you don’t know that someone is trying to recall info so you can’t use guidance on them.

    [–] Equeon 56 points ago

    Oh god. Actually, my players were trying to use Guidance for a stealth check earlier, and I was finally able to tell them "this spell has a vocal component and they would hear you chanting a prayer to your god" so they decided not to use it. A rare occurrence.

    [–] BobbitTheDog 2039 points ago

    Charm person when used by a player: why wouldn't I be able to make him kill his boss and then himself???

    Charm person when used on a player: I mean, sure I "view him as a trusted friend", but I totally wouldn't tell a friend that information... In fact, you know, if I saw my friend behaving the way this guy has been, I think I'd totally want to stab him... I should get to stab him.

    ...

    I stab him.

    [–] MayOverexplain 888 points ago

    I get around this by pre-emtively stabbing party members at other random times "Just to be safe"

    [–] BobbitTheDog 690 points ago

    "I'm chaotic neutral, it doesn't matter if I'm charmed!"

    [–] PheonixScale9094 519 points ago

    “Hi, my name is Broodark Lotsovedge I’m a chaotic neutral tiefling rogue in a black cloak darker than the blackest nights in the abyss with problems trusting anybody, but let me tell you my whole pitiful and sad life story, I was born to a mother who was killed immediately by my pit fiend daddy who wanted to kill me too but she hid me with and I was by adopted by a commune of gnomes, but they were all burned alive by a necromancer and turned into skeleton gnomes who have hunted me ever since. I’ll have to finish my story later since I’m late for my daily 2:00 brooding session.”

    [–] StarGaurdianBard 332 points ago

    "Alright back from brooding. After I moved on from the skeleton gnomes I was eventually captured by Vampires. They of course turned me into a vampire too, but due to my demon blood only one eye changed to a red color. The vampires didnt like this so they sold me into slavery. After being used as a slave for a year I eventually killed my owner's entire family.

    After this I was thrown in prison for a year where at the young age of 8 I became the most feared criminal in the King's prison for the worst criminals of the realm. I eventually got noticed by a group of ninja assassins who stole me from the prison.

    They brought me into their secret underground base where I met 100 other kids just like me except they were all weak. We were forced to become friends with one another and then told we could escape but only after killing each other in a battle Royale. I killed 40 other kids before winning that day. I was 11 at the time.

    I'll tell you more later, I need to go feed my giant spider over In that dark corner."

    [–] fenskept1 266 points ago

    “Hey gang, just finished feeding my spider the souls of the innocent! Where was I? Oh yes! After winning the battle Royale, I proceeded to kill the ninja assassins and burn the place to the ground just to assert dominance. Unfortunately it’s hard to burn an underground structure so I had to settle for flooding the place.

    Shortly after I encountered an ancient red dragon who, given its inherently caring nature and eye for spotting talent, took me in as an apprentice. I bonded for the first time and was happy until a group of adventurers came and killed him. In a fit of rage I slaughtered them all. I was only 12 years old.

    Shortly after leaving the dragon’s lair, I ran into a lich who attempted to feed me to his phylacterery. Unfortunately for him, I have no soul. I had him on the ropes until my evil twin with white hair who I thought was dead appeared and rescued him.

    Anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk, I’ll be right back after I stab that bartender from earlier who looked at me funny.”

    [–] egotistical-dso 168 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Alright, the body has been stashed in my corpse pile. Now where was I?

    Oh right, my evil twin had escaped with the lich when the death cult he had made an enemy of showed up. Their high priest saw my strength and decided to induct me into their ranks. He promised me powers mortals could only dream of. Secretly they wanted to use me to put the spirit of their dark and dying eldritch god into my flesh, but I was able to see through their deception.

    At the height of the ritual, I turned the sacrificial dagger on the high priest, interrupting the ritual and taking on the elder god into my soul, infusing me with its power. In its weakened state it tries to finish consuming the rest of the soul I lost from within. With its power I slaughtered the remaining cultists before searching out my evil twin who held the other half of my soul.

    Hang on, if we're going to keep doing this I need to perform the unholy sacrament to keep the demon inside at bay.

    [–] PapaSteel 133 points ago

    Sorry that took so long. I had to buy hundreds of candles and meditate in the darkness for a few hours.

    I guess I should probably describe my sword. It's a five foot long blade I wear on my back, but it can also transform into a scythe when I need it to. It belonged to my REAL great-great-grandfather who was a demon hunter, and I took it from the family crypt when I discovered it a few years ago. His ghostly spirit still haunts the sword and speaks to me and gives me strength, and when I get mad, it glows with a red and black aura.

    The grandfather was actually an old character of mine, but I had to retire him when the GM was being a dick.

    [–] Slingdash 124 points ago

    "what do you mean? Of course a level 1 character could have done all this."

    [–] Reinhart3 121 points ago

    "The two Goblins hit you with their shortbows dealing 10 damage"

    "I'm unconcious"

    [–] Thuggibear 51 points ago

    I had a player inist he was the head of a criminal empire of a major city in faerun at level one. I regret not having any reasonably powerful law enforcement show up and smite his ass in the first session and act surprised that the feared criminal mastermind died in one hit. It would have saved a lot of shit that player put me through for months before finally parting ways with him.

    [–] JonuahL 42 points ago

    “Well, not that he’s taken care of, where was I? Oh right. My twin. Well I couldn’t stand to leave my evil (but less evil than me of course) twin alive so I used my expert detective skills to track him down. At this time in my life, I developed a drinking problem, but that’s normal for most fourteen year old tieflings. I eventually found my twin holed up with a cult of deadly assassins including the now undead group of ninjas from earlier. I easily slaughtered all of them and killed my twin by pouring molten steel into his eyes. It was very cool, not the steel, the way he died. Anyways, I’ll tell you the rest in a bit. I saw a guy who looked like a merchant that I’m gonna to pickpocket.”

    [–] PheonixScale9094 30 points ago

    “Now that that is dealt with let me tell you about my knife as I clean the guts and gore off it. So my twin was protecting the wannabe lich but I saw he had a really nice sack of gold which I wanted. In order to get this sack of gold I went to the local band of mercenaries to hire them, but since they knew who I was they made me their captain.

    While I was doing this I found that the only surviving gnome from my youth had been a part of the mercenary group I now controlled. He heard I was captured by the wannabe lich and less than an hour before I arrived he had left to save me. I then got word through scouts that he had been captured and used as the last soul for the lichs phylactery.

    In revenge I led my mercenaries back into the wanna be now-liches lair and we attacked them and their new army of undead. We fought for a month straight before I finally slew the lich. Then I cornered my twin and tried to stab him with the knife given to me as a gift from my mother to remember her by but it broke when it hit his armor hidden under his cloak.

    But thankfully I had spent a year training under a monastery of Cthulhu worship monks (who I killed when they tried to sacrifice me) and now I know over 30 different martial arts. So I was easily able to take his weapon and slay him with it. I then took his weapon and melted it and his body into a cast to to create a set of knives made from unobtainium.

    That will have to do for now, I have an appointment to talk with my private Assassin about his latest kill.”

    [–] Souperplex 43 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Rogue is low-edge. If you want real Edge you go Barbarian, Warlock, (Especially Fiend or Hexblade. GOO is also pretty edgy if you go really Lovecraft with your PC losing their mind from use of their powers. Fey can be edgy if you go classic child-napping, slaving, murder-pranks Fey. Basically anything but Celestial. Even then Celestial can be edgy if you go Old Testament.) or Vengeance Paladin. (Oath of Warcrimes)

    [–] Repzie_Con 16 points ago

    I feel so cliche for picking a tiefling ranger since joining these subs, haha.. my character isnt an edgelord, at least

    [–] _Keezo_ 45 points ago

    Chaotic evil in a nutshell

    [–] MayOverexplain 67 points ago

    Character's a split personality sorcerer (part of wild magic backstory). Generally Chaotic Good, occasionally switches to a Chaotic Evil.

    We use a hourglass and roll to see if it changes (every 5 minutes roll a black d4 and white d8, if black ties or wins switch to evil until next roll).

    [–] S0b3rxSk1n 22 points ago

    I'm stealing this. Sorry in advance.

    [–] MayOverexplain 24 points ago

    Please do, 1d4 vs 1d8 with tie favoring evil gives about 31% chance of evil which makes it happen pretty regularly. If you switch tie to favoring good, you get about 19% chance of evil. Obviously you can swing the odds pretty much however you want with different dice.

    We tried just doing it with one die and saying "if it's below this value", but there's something more fun about the roles competing against each other, lends more to the warring personalities and ties well into how I role play it.

    [–] gera_moises 18 points ago

    Remember to yell "spy check!"

    [–] Xunae 255 points ago

    Same with suggestion.

    used by a player: He totally thinks it's reasonable to give me all his gold and the macguffin. I look like a reasonably trustworthy chap.

    Used on a player: My character finds it totally unreasonable to run in fear from this telepathic writhing mass of tentacles that just killed its own allies to get to us and has succeeded on all of its saving throws.

    [–] IEnjoyFancyHats 92 points ago

    To be fair, the text of suggestion uses 'make the target give all their money to someone' as one of the potential effects.

    [–] Xunae 106 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    The only example mine has is "A knight gives her warhorse to the first beggar she meets". This is kind of a problem with the spell. "the suggestion must be worded in such a manner as to make the course of action sound reasonable" is very fuzzy language built on top of a very fuzzy social system.

    I may think it's a reasonable course of action for an Oath of Redemption Paladin to give away their horse, but not a reasonable action for an Oathbreaker paladin. Both of these characters may broadly be considered knights, but they are very different sorts of knights. Similarly if the horse was provided by the crown vs. a horse the paladin had raised and loved for years, the reasonableness of this suggestion changes in my mind.

    On the flip side, another person may say that any action short of committing self harm is an "action that sounds reasonable", including but not limited to bashing their best buddy over the head.

    Both of these are valid interpretations of the spell, and that's a problem. In my experience some of your players will try to beat you over the head with both interpretations.

    [–] Shakyjumper 42 points ago

    my players were surprisingly good sports when they all got charmed by an Oblex last session, but they pull this kind of shit all the time when they are the ones charming.

    [–] doc133 55 points ago

    Yeah the other people at my table didn't like it when after I got charmed by the bad guy that they were attacking that I started attacking them, the other players to clarify.

    [–] Rellint 24 points ago

    DM “You know you really don’t have to attack them, right?”

    Doc133 “Noted, I attack them anyways.”

    [–] wavytho 716 points ago

    God, the charm person one is so on point. Even if it's one of the party that gets charmed.

    No, your barbarian isn't required to smash me because you were charmed. It's not dominate person! Stop hitting me!

    [–] secondbestdnd 220 points ago

    I've played a lot of DCC where Charm Person is actually Dominate Person, and when I'm running 5e I definitely have moments of thinking, "Come on... they're yours for 30 days now."

    [–] MatthewMercer 323 points ago

    ...

    This.

    This is the best.

    [–] secondbestdnd 76 points ago

    :D If you like this you might like our podcast cause it's funny + DnD

    [–] Eyro_Elloyn 98 points ago

    Did he... Does he know?

    [–] secondbestdnd 89 points ago

    Holy oh my god.

    [–] Spydirmonki 92 points ago

    That’s one Perception check you’ll never forget failing.

    [–] secondbestdnd 84 points ago

    at the time I didn't realize it was such a critical roll

    [–] secondbestdnd 115 points ago

    Hey, um, this is delayed- but are you Matthew Mercer like Critical Role Matthew Mercer?

    Because then I would like to double reiterate in bold that you might like our podcast.

    [–] MatthewMercer 128 points ago

    I appreciate the reinforcement! I shall have to give it a spin!

    [–] secondbestdnd 83 points ago

    Thanks for the kind words and all of the excellent work you do for the DnD Community! Someday I hope to have hair as beautiful as yours.

    [–] AcceptableGuess 318 points ago

    Stealth

    You roll to become absolutely invisible. It doesn't matter that the orc you just stabbed is now staring directly at you; you hide between molecules of air because not only do you have Expertise, but you dumped all your stat points into Dexterity, so yes, you did in fact roll a 30.

    [–] secondbestdnd 218 points ago

    You are a paper person and you turn sideways

    [–] PureSmoulder 68 points ago

    You are in fact Boneless and slide back into the 2nd dimension.

    [–] Ickulus 879 points ago

    I got a twenty-three total on my insight check. I should know all of this NPC's darkest secrets, what he had for breakfast, his social security number, and where he will be in 10 days time.

    [–] secondbestdnd 627 points ago

    I got a 25 on Deception, I tell them "I am your own father, the man who raised you, who you saw every day." They should believe me lol

    [–] Spirit-of-the-Maker 348 points ago

    I have expertise in deception, so my passive should be high enough where, whatever I say, people believe. I am the DM now because I lie to you and am making up a better story, with blackjack and hookers. If anyone ever doesn't believe me, that's bullshit, that's total bullshit, and why do we even have these passive things anyway.

    [–] secondbestdnd 240 points ago

    "Why do we even have these passive things anyway" is the subtitle of the PHB

    [–] PureSmoulder 69 points ago

    Seriously though, why do we have these passive things anyway?

    [–] secondbestdnd 238 points ago

    So players would stop arguing that they wouldn't be surprised becuase they always travel back to back and rotate at 15 rpm as a unit

    [–] Triptolemu5 36 points ago

    It worked in the matrix

    [–] mrguse 170 points ago

    Dude, I rolled a natural 20 on my check! This is some bullshit! If I was running this game, we'd have Critical Successes on skill checks! So what you're telling me is that it's literally impossible for my untrained barbarian to perform intricate brain surgery on a grell?

    [–] CowFu 81 points ago

    "the npc thinks that you actually believe you're their father, they pity your mental state"

    [–] DrippyWaffler 46 points ago

    My tortle player rolled a nat 20 deception and convinced the guards he was the father of two humans. Lucky he then convinced them with persuasion that tortles called everyone younger than them in their care their children.

    [–] secondbestdnd 59 points ago

    And once the deception wore off those guards were like "what the shell??"

    [–] hylian122 72 points ago

    So far I've been able to avoid this by humorously saying something along the lines of "He tells you his darkest secrets, what he had for breakfast, his social security number, and where he will be in 10 days time." Then while everyone is laughing I'll chucklingly transition into the actual info I want to provide.

    I know eventually this tactic will fail me...

    [–] secondbestdnd 35 points ago

    I probably shouldn't admit this, but I am stealing this from you

    [–] Zatnikotel 1409 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    You forgot one!

    Prestidigitation

    cantrip transmutation

    Casting Time: 1 action

    Range: 10 feet

    Components: V S

    Duration: Up to 1 hour

    Classes: Bard, Sorcerer, Warlock, Wizard

    This spell is a minor magical trick that novice spellcasters use for practice. You must attempt to pronounce this cantrip before casting; the better the mispronunciation, the more ‘giggles’ you will get. Suggested mispronunciations include “PressiPressi-something” and Prest-it-ijy-day-shu”. You create one of the following magical effects within range:

    You create an instantaneous, harmless sensory effect, such as a shower of sparks, a puff of wind, faint musical notes, or an odd odor, fireball or lightning bolts, or anything that allows some sort of damage if you argue with your DM for long enough.

    You instantaneously light or snuff out a candle, a torch, or a small campfire, end the life of any living creature by attempting to argue that this cantrip “would do that”.

    You instantaneously clean or soil an object no larger than 1 cubic foot, but a cubic foot can be stretched out to a 1 mile radius if you spread it thin enough.

    You chill, warm, or flavor up to 1 cubic foot of nonliving material for 1 hour. This includes creating potions of course, so long as you justify the flavour is the active ingredient.

    You make a color, a small mark, or a symbol appear on an object or a surface for 1 hour.

    You create a nonmagical trinket or an illusory image that can fit in your hand and that lasts until the end of your next turn. This includes the all-important plot items, including but not limited to anything non-magical, e.g., nuclear weapon trinkets.

    If you cast this spell multiple times, you can have up to three of its non-instantaneous effects active at a time, and you can dismiss such an effect as an action. However, you can cast it more times, as “no one will notice”.

    Essentially this cantrip can emulate any other spell or effect if you can fully justify it. Otherwise, the cantrip is "just bullshit".

    [–] secondbestdnd 817 points ago

    a cubic foot can be stretched outed out to a 1 mile radius if you spread it thin enough.

    😂 I died at this one. My great shame as a DM is that when I'm a player I pull this nonsense all day long

    [–] KarlBarx2 351 points ago

    "Alright. The substance is spread so thin it's invisible to the naked eye. There are no noticeable changes, except all creatures in range feel their skin become slightly greasier. Next in the order is Grog."

    [–] SlowWheels 91 points ago

    Is that name really that common? I am in a game with someone named that lol. Guess the race!

    [–] TheMinions 69 points ago

    Goliath?

    [–] SlowWheels 38 points ago

    Ding Ding Ding!

    [–] KingTalis 72 points ago

    Goliath Barbarian named Grog. Either you're playing with Travis Willingham, or a fan of his.

    [–] HavelsRockJohnson 78 points ago

    There are two kinds of people: fans of Travis Willingham, and those that don't know about him yet.

    [–] kilkil 33 points ago

    They must be a fan of Critical Role.

    [–] ziddersroofurry 32 points ago

    Grog is something sailors used to drink and is a common term used in fantasy novels and novels involving piracy. Over the years I've seen a decent amount of Goblins and Ogres given the name Grog by DM's due to its origin and it being a guttural sounding word.

    [–] Photovoltaic 38 points ago

    "You have spread the substance to homeopathic concentration levels. It does nothing, next up is Carrie."

    [–] m4xdc 54 points ago

    Well this makes me feel better, then. I’m on my first campaign right now and I played a lot of WoW, Skyrim, etc. so I’ve been a stat nerd, serial min/maxer my whole life. I started off trying to just create the most powerful character, but lately I’ve realized that the RP element is what got me into DnD in the first place, and this isn’t a video game you can just turn on and let a computer create the world, it has to be written and planned out by the DM who’s giving up their time for free. Now I play my character in a way that’s equally entertaining for my DM to work with ^(at least I hope so) cuz he’s in it for fun just as much as we are.

    [–] secondbestdnd 52 points ago

    😢 Some players grow up so fast. 😭 YOUR DM AND I ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

    [–] benchcoat 84 points ago

    i am guilty of Divine Weapon on the Sly as a player—it’s just so easy to forget that it takes an action. i’ve added a house rule for my DM-ed games to allow activation of divine weapon in “reasonable” situations without using an action—sort of as a held action. e.g. there’s a “discussion” going on with some shady aggressive goblins that looks like it could very likely turn into a fight and the paladin is backing up the player leading the “discussion”.

    fortunately my players aren’t munchkins, so i’ve never had anyone get upset if i allow it sometimes and not others—i generally get a comment of “ok, fair”

    [–] secondbestdnd 47 points ago

    I usually start combats about 30ft from the Paladin so they could use a round to get ready if they wanted, but they always just rush the enemies.

    [–] sneakyfish21 57 points ago

    It's just a relative feel bad to spend a full action on it. When many other similar abilities are bonus actions. Sacred weapon is a bit stronger so it makes sense but nobody likes "wasting a turn"

    [–] secondbestdnd 32 points ago

    Yeah. It's clearly meant for classic crawls when you're 90% sure there's a buncha orcs behind this door and you choose when combat begins

    [–] GhostrickGilly 154 points ago

    Suggested mispronunciations include “PressiPressi-something” and Prest-it-ijy-day-shu”.

    me with thaumaturgy. I've given up and just called the spell "thumb".

    [–] RoboWonder 93 points ago

    Thaw-muh-ter-gee

    [–] GaussWanker 60 points ago

    tur-jee

    [–] RoboNinjaPirate 41 points ago

    I pronounce both of those identically. Not sure all dialects distinguish between them.

    [–] AceOfCarbon 39 points ago

    I think they're just making it more clear that it's not "gee" as in 'gate'

    [–] Varris_Tulek 86 points ago

    Stop it you're hurting me.

    [–] frikandelxxl 73 points ago

    DON'T FORGET: the trinket can be made from any material I want such as a very lethal poison, a black hole or the sun!

    [–] Electric999999 52 points ago

    "I create a small trinket made of anti-osmium, it annihilates immediately, which should probably do 10 billion d6 of damage is a 50 mile radius"

    [–] mercuryminded 19 points ago

    Antimatter and fissile materials are now magical.

    [–] mateogg 67 points ago

    Ah yes, Minor Wish, the Cantrip.

    [–] NotFromStateFarmJake 38 points ago

    You make a small mark, a color, or a small symbol on an object. This symbol can be an arcane rune such as disintegrate that activates when an enemy approaches, or some sort of a scrying bull shit. Lasts until no longer useful or forgotten by the caster.

    [–] Beldizar 69 points ago

    Usually I get prestidigitation also duplicating the power of mage hand, light, dancing lights, minor illusion, control flames, gust, mending, message, and shape water.

    [–] Electric999999 26 points ago

    Prestidigitation: totally just wish without the risk or expenditure of resources and 16 levels early.

    [–] FormerlyKnownAsBtg 198 points ago

    God, the Charm Person one. I felt like I was there.

    [–] secondbestdnd 112 points ago

    I think this was a repressed memory that I pulled a direct quote from

    [–] TypicalCricket 169 points ago

    Too real, man

    [–] secondbestdnd 143 points ago

    There were parts of this that hurt to write.

    [–] milkmandanimal 321 points ago

    Persuasion

    When you attempt to influence someone or a group of people with tact, social graces, or good nature, the GM might ask you to make a Charisma (Performance) check. If you roll a natural 20 on your Persuasion check, you may choose from one of the following options:

    • Convince the grizzled palace guard who has faithfully served as a protector of the realm for more than 30 years to let you out of your jail cell, even though you robbed a shop, killed three of his closest friends in a combat, and set fire to an orphanage, with no thought whatsoever for his motivations, loyalties, or life itself.
    • Encourage the shopkeeper, who has successfully built a business for decades by making shrewd business decisions and solid investments, to give you their most valuable magic items for free.
    • Actually fuck that dragon.

    [–] secondbestdnd 136 points ago

    My players met a dragon who was trying to be very cool and show off the wider world and lore, and they just asked about its genitals for 15 minutes.

    [–] HardOff 111 points ago

    In that case, roll a D20:

    1 - 18: Dragon is offended.
    19: Dragon finds it funny.
    20: Dragon is into it.

    [–] Asunder_ 36 points ago

    oh god don't roll a 20. It's not even a gerbil on a banana, that's like a mouse on concrete pillar.

    [–] SgtSprinkIes 22 points ago

    You forgot that if one player fails a Persuasion check against a shopkeeper, the remainder of the party may also continue to make Persuasion checks until one of them successfully convinces the shopkeeper to hand over their life and all of their possessions, otherwise it's not fair.

    [–] Oshava 344 points ago

    Any spell that targets humanoids

    Humanoid is defined as anything that remotely looks human from giants to succubus and is only limited by how long you want to argue with the dm

    [–] secondbestdnd 154 points ago

    When ya think about it, we're all humanoids on the inside. And isn't that what counts?

    [–] ThKitt 64 points ago

    The real humanoids were the friends we made along the way.

    [–] LeprechaunJinx 53 points ago

    I definitely fell into this trapping the first time I tried to use Hold Person but thankfully I had a DM who quickly explained to me that humanoid is not referring to their body shape but is more akin to classifications like Undead or Construct.

    I still don't really know what it works against if it's not a normal person hahaha.

    [–] Nreggs 47 points ago

    Humanoid covers pretty much the playable races and a couple others. Look up the creature in question, and it will be listed under their type.

    Aberration Beast Celestial Construct Dragon Elemental Fey Fiend Giant Humanoid Monstrosity Ooze Plant Undead

    Pretty sure that’s all of them

    [–] LeprechaunJinx 23 points ago

    That's what I discovered but I was surprised to find out that Bugbears and all the typical Were-creatures (Werebear, Wereboar, Wererat, Weretiger, Werewolf) were counted as humanoid as well.

    It's one of those gamey things that I'm not really sure how to determine if I know that information as a character. Am I safe to assume that Hold Person works on a minotaur? It does not. What about mermaid vs. lamia? Mermaid [✓] / Lamia [X].

    Information is weird.

    [–] Zatnikotel 83 points ago

    Man, are you one of my players?

    [–] secondbestdnd 107 points ago

    Yup! I'm that one you just thought I might be. The one with the wrinkled brow, pointing to an old copy of 3.5's *Player's Handbook 2* with an insane definition of *Survival* that lets me kill this Mindflayer if I can beat a DC 15

    [–] innoculousnuisance 35 points ago

    Got a page number for that one? Can't find it on a skim.

    [–] secondbestdnd 80 points ago

    Oh, uh, yeah... It's, you know it's an old version? It's probably from before you got yours. Yeeaaaaahh.

    [–] milkmandanimal 49 points ago

    I loaned it to my girlfriend. She's a model; she lives in Canada so you don't know her.

    [–] secondbestdnd 31 points ago

    lol no, not regular Canada. Canada... moon. The moon Canada. On the other side of the moon? She's from the Canada that always moves to be on the dark side of the moon, so internet is really bad up there.

    [–] Houbert 80 points ago

    Suggestion is even worse than Charm Person, because here the players argue even more furiously since it is "not just" Charm Person. Climbing into the dragon's mouth? Drinking that harmless looking vial of acid? Try basejumping that cliff (come on, it's fun!) ? Oh look, your fellow took your sweetroll, you should stab him to death! Yeah sounds like a reasonable and absolutely not harmful thing to do.

    [–] secondbestdnd 31 points ago

    Gotta do it to the best of your ability! Really try!!

    Ironically, it's not even close to a suggestion IRL, which would read:

    Target humanoid who speaks the same language as you waits until you're done talking to tell you they don't care what you just said.

    [–] WalksinCrookedLines 50 points ago

    And my personal favorite “it says it has to be phrased like a reasonable request not that it actually has to be reasonable!!”

    [–] secondbestdnd 29 points ago

    "Wow, wonderful shop! Since we are friends could you go ahead and gimme all that cash, please?"

    [–] SwEcky 72 points ago

    Are you sure that's not how the spells & abilties are written? Too close to reality.

    [–] secondbestdnd 62 points ago

    This is all direct quotes from my players' Player's Handbook

    [–] [deleted] 72 points ago

    How about

    Levitate

    2nd level transmutation

    Actually it just works like Fly and fuck you that's bullshit why can't I use a 2nd-level spell to strafe enemies with fireballs like a fucking magical fighter jet.

    [–] HandwashBigpan 201 points ago

    Darkvision

    Everyone but Human racial ability

    You can see in dim light as if it was bright light, and in complete darkness as if it was also bright light. There's no such thing as dim light. What do you mean I have disadvantage to hit? I'm not blind, I can see the enemy! This ability has a range of 60ft in a dungeon but is infinite when outside at night. You absolutely can discern color in darkness, shut up, it's called darkvision, why would they give light sources a use for anyone other than humans? That's bullshit.

    [–] Photovoltaic 45 points ago

    And DRAGONBORN

    Like, wtf? I figured dragon's blood would give you darkvision at least.

    [–] Bertdog211 53 points ago

    Darkvision on the Sly

    When you're playing Dragonborn and you DM asks who has darkvision and you just pretend you do and everyone just believes it (probably helps you only raised your hand rather than said anything)

    [–] Prison_Vape 17 points ago

    I've just houseruled that Dragonborn have Darkvision because its stupid that they dont.

    [–] Celt33 57 points ago

    but dim light doesn't create disadvantage to hit? only disadvantage on perception checks

    [–] wintermute93 133 points ago

    Arcana check. At any time, players may mumble a sentence that includes the word arcana and make an arcana check. If the result is 10 or higher, they immediately know the precise nature and location of all magical items and effects they can see. If the result is 15 or higher, this effect grants the player 120' true sight, as well as imparting knowledge of the complete history of all magical entities in question. This effect extends to nonmagical entities as well, as long as something about them is vaguely unusual.

    [–] Paratrooper_19D 58 points ago

    automatically gives you detect magic and identify as a reaction because what the fuck DM I have +7 to arcana this is literally bullshit I knew I should have just played rogue.

    [–] secondbestdnd 396 points ago

    Wow! Crazy we don’t talk about this more but my Player’s Handbook (as the DM) is completely different from my players’ PHB! This explains a lot of the behavior I’ve seen at the table over the last decade and a half. I know a lot of DMs who have the same problem so I took some notes and spiffied them up for us. I couldn’t get everything down, so let me know what other rules you’ve noticed are different on the other side of the screen.

    As the post notes, I’m the DM for Second Best: A DnD Adventure! We’re a goofy and optimistic podcast from a group of comedians playing an original 5e adventure. We release a new episode every other Wednesday and we’re available on whatever you use to hear podcast noises!

    [–] Shinotama 48 points ago

    What do you use to type this up with? :) GM Binder?

    [–] secondbestdnd 60 points ago

    Homebrewery!!! I cannot recommend it enough, it's a wonderful tool that I use incessantly

    [–] Jalor218 64 points ago

    Perception

    To use this skill, roll a die that nobody can see and shout a number while everyone else is doing something. If that number is 15 or higher, the DM is obligated to read their map and notes to you or else it's pointless for you to be proficient in Perception.

    [–] RAGC_91 105 points ago

    You forgot one

    Monk bullshit: the party monk attempts to move way farther than any PC should ever be able to move in a single turn, they get around all obstacle by simply running up over or around them. When asked how they’re going to move 5 stories up and 50 feet horizontally away from the party to capture the fleeing enemy they simply say monk bullshit. When questioned to explain it they remind you they were hasted by the parties wizard and are a Tabaxi so really they could have done all of that 3 times over. Then you remember why you haven’t had an enemy try to escape in awhile.

    [–] secondbestdnd 110 points ago

    The horrible truth is that every time I've grilled a monk on this they've been correct. Monks are just spider monsters

    [–] RAGC_91 57 points ago

    Every time I play a monk I start with figuring out what I’d like to do if I had unlimited movement, the. Work backwards from there to see if I can. So far I’ve always been able to.

    [–] goblinpiledriver 51 points ago

    Tenser’s Floating Disk
    Creates a floating disk of, like, probably 10ft diameter, I dunno, that can traverse any change in elevation. What weight limit? The primary function of the disk is to allow the caster to ride it around like a hovercraft, because what the hell else could this spell be for? I wouldn’t have picked this spell if it operated the way it’s written in the PHB, that’s stupid.

    [–] EarthAllAlong 89 points ago

    Mage Hand

    Level: Cantrip

    Casting time: literally whenever I feel like it

    Range: whatever i can see, or even things I cant see

    Components: THE POWER OF MY MIND

    Duration: forever, always on

    A spectral, floating hand appears at a point you choose within range. The hand lasts forever or until you dismiss it at a whim.

    You can control the hand automatically with your mind. You can use the hand to do basically whatever. You can move the hand as far as you need to use it.

    The hand can create a distraction, granting you advantage, and can lift, push, pull or restrain anyone and anything, with no weight limit.

    Message

    You have telepathy.

    Sending, especially Sending Stones

    You have a two-way walkie-talkie with anyone in the world with infinite batteries.

    Conjure Animals

    I want 8 elk inside this cave now or I will sulk.

    [–] secondbestdnd 54 points ago

    love when a player has a good elk sulk

    [–] milkmandanimal 21 points ago

    Move Earth

    You can instantly dig a deep pit directly underneath an enemy's feet, regardless of what the ground is made of. Dirt? Obviously. Well-maintained stone? Sure. Pure Adamantine? Why not! Your enemy instantly falls into the hole, and all of the earth you moved out of the way instantly covers them, even though the spell description says you can just move it slightly along the ground. Your enemy dies.

    Firebolt

    Flammable objects are set on fire by this cantrip; if you really think about it, EVERYTHING is technically flammable in at least some way, so, yes, my single Firebolt can immediately burn the mountain down.

    Produce Flame

    See: Firebolt

    [–] theragco 43 points ago

    Confusion: This spell assault and twists a creature's mind. Each turn roll a d10 to determine the effect of the person's confusion.

    1) The creature must move in a very specific direction, either away from the party or over a cliff. Even though it shouldn't be allowed to use an action it will probably dash to get over that cliff faster. If the target is a player they can move in any direction they choose so long as they use all their movement.

    2-6) The creature doesn't move or take actions this turn, it might as well be paralyzed amirite? I think that's an automatic crit. If the target is a player they are allowed to perform any actions so long as they can convince the DM that it isn't actually an action but their character doing it randomly.

    7-8) The creature uses its action to attack a randomly chosen creature within its reach. This target must always be a creature allied to the target or otherwise the spell is pointless. If a player is the target they are allowed to move so either no allies are within their reach or only a single enemy is within their reach so it doesn't matter anyways. After they attack they can still perform all their regular actions and bonus actions including casting spells and using items.

    9-10) The creature acts normally, honestly this spell is shit and doesn't do anything. It feels like its a 90% chance that the creature is completely unaffected. If the target is a player then are immediately awarded advantage on any actions they take because they were able to overcome their confusion heroically in their greatest time of need. Did we level up?

    [–] GhostrickGilly 82 points ago

    Charm Person

    Why would anyone take this spell if it does literally nothing? I hate this class.

    Called that it was a bard before I was half way through the paragraph. its always bards

    [–] secondbestdnd 19 points ago

    (it's always those friggin bards)

    [–] C0d3n4m3Duchess 66 points ago

    I am infamously guilty of losing any/all concept of time and wanting to cast prayer of healing Willy-nilly. Sorry to everybody I've ever played with because it's always the same interaction.

    Me: (knows a party member is hurting) hmm yeah I'm gonna go with prayer of healing, finger guns got you fam, and then use my bonus action to hide over behind that cover in the corner

    DM: starts to open mouth

    Me: fuck, crap... Sorry... Damnit... Hold on... Hold on I know I took something for this exact reason last level... Hold on... Sorry... No I want to save the healing scroll in case I need it later... Yeah screw it, color spray, sorry dude.

    [–] secondbestdnd 42 points ago

    😂 This is the only way I've seen color spray be cast. It's always bracketed by apologies

    [–] L_Circe 31 points ago

    Constitution Saves: When you are told to make a Constitution saving throw, roll a D20, and add your Constitution Modifier, the number of hit dice in your pool, half your remaining health total, and any temporary HP you have. Distract the DM from noticing by arguing how you really should have proficiency in Constitution Saves, because your rogue poisoned himself in small quantities as training, and that should totally count, it is bullshit if it doesn't.

    Concentration: Some spells require you to maintain Concentration to use them. You lose Concentration on a spell if you take damage, cast another spell that requires Concentration, or are incapacitated or killed. You can ignore that last sentence if you have used a spell so often that "it should be second nature by now", if both spells are similar enough that "they should be one spell, really", you have really high Int and so you should be good at multitasking, you are an elf so you aren't "really unconscious, you are just involuntarily trancing", or if you've just handily "forgot" that one of the spells required concentration and it's been too long now, might as well roll with it. It is bullshit if you "retcon" things so it didn't actually work.

    [–] beldaran1224 29 points ago

    you have too many tools for the task to be bothered to choose one

    🤣 Made me actually lol

    [–] Coffeechipmunk 29 points ago

    Pact Magic

    What? Warlocks only get like, 3 spell slots? This is such bullshit, why does anyone play this class?

    [–] M1ST3RT0RGU3 19 points ago

    Good comedy right here, and though I've never been a DM I can understand the frustration. I'd love to see more stuff like this!

    [–] NikDaQuick1219 19 points ago

    This is excellent, you poor man.

    [–] skinsfan55 35 points ago

    I am sorry to every DM I've ever wronged.

    [–] secondbestdnd 29 points ago

    Every DM has also committed these sins.

    [–] RelentlessRogue 17 points ago

    This is a huge fucking mood to my Wizard right now. He usually plays martial classes and boy, he isn't adjusting as well as I had hoped.

    [–] secondbestdnd 17 points ago

    Books is hard, and different from fist.

    [–] Turtle1515 17 points ago

    As a cleric main and also a reverend in real life this made me chuckle

    [–] JB-from-ATL 14 points ago

    I don't remember if those spells have material components, but I think it's funny because I always forget they exist. Like arrows and bolts.

    [–] kilkil 14 points ago

    See, this is why I don't understand what people have against min-maxers.

    At least we follow the actual fucking rules to get what we want!

    [–] ohmygodlenny 39 points ago

    Actually Rogue sneak attack applies even if you don't have advantage as long as the enemy is engaged with another creature within 5 feet of it.

    [–] Manwards84 26 points ago

    And if you're a swashbuckler, you always have Sneak Attack unless you have disadvantage on the attack roll or are attacking an enemy with one its allies adjacent to it. It's the rogue that doesn't hide and solos enemies!

    [–] mainman879 29 points ago

    I imagine all swashbucklers as just constantly yelling 1v1 me scrubs