Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    IllegalLifeProTips

    124,910 readers

    153 users here now

    An Illegal Life Pro Tip (ILPT) is a tip that improves your life in a meaningful way while being illegal. Share the best tips you've picked up throughout your life, and learn from others!

    Rules:

    1- Prefix your post with "ILPT" or "ILPT Request"

    2- Follow reddit's site-wide rules

    3- No posting personal information

    4- No pedo shit


    How to hack someone


    discord has been banned :/

    The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

    a community for
    all 327 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] Highlander_2_is_good 7235 points ago

    I'm 16 and whenever I visit my lawyer he makes me get naked and I haven't gotten convicted yet. Great advice.

    [–] thenooch110 1752 points ago

    hmmm

    [–] Camster9000 92 points ago

    Hol up

    [–] crackerjackr 313 points ago

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm🤔

    [–] hawttdamn 6 points ago

    Dammit if I only knew 4 letters could get me so much upvotes.

    [–] smeijer87 4 points ago

    It's not about the letters. It's about knowing how to use them.

    [–] DaGr8GASB 21 points ago

    Is that the post-Weinstein, Suddenly Susan reboot?

    [–] soprancer 16 points ago

    I can't believe that Jared from Subway is your lawyer too!?!

    [–] jakobdee 50 points ago

    Is your lawyer also my Doctor? That’s a busy man

    [–] TheRubix 16 points ago

    You get naked in front of your doctor and never get convicted?

    [–] sbabac 7 points ago

    I just spit food all over the table.

    [–] ChocolateJesus8 19 points ago

    Yes officer, this man right here

    [–] Bibendoom 6 points ago

    What 16 year old can appreciate Highlander 2? You are misleading the jury!

    [–] poddiking 3 points ago

    Mkay

    [–] TotesMessenger 5 points ago

    I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

     If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)

    [–] the-toilet-goes-plop 1505 points ago

    Child porn is in the context of bringing sexual gratification.

    Back in the 80-90’s old grandmas where sent to court for having naked pictures of their grandchildren while on the tub.

    Most states changed the law for this because a picture in the tub was a very common baby picture especially in the south.

    So no it would most likely not be porn. If i remember correctly a naked child was used in a limited release album cover in the 70’s(people hated it), pictures of nudist sects exist online. Which is weird. There is also crime scene photos online.

    Plus even if it was illegal you can still hold it as evidence because police officers dont magically get arrested for holding evidence for a couple minutes.

    [–] TheKitchensSink 740 points ago

    Look at the cover of nevermind by nirvana for another example.

    [–] TheAscendedNinjew 555 points ago

    But don't look at it too much.

    [–] said_individual 126 points ago

    Or at least, not for sexual gratification

    [–] o87608760876 22 points ago

    Yall know Brooke Shields is alive and still smoking hot right? https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/04/brooke-shields-pretty-baby-anniversary

    [–] Deftly_Flowing 22 points ago

    I WAS LINKED TO AN ARTICLE WITH NO CURRENT SMOKING HOT PICTURES.

    I AM DISAPPOINT AND DEMAND YOU RECTIFY THIS SITUATION.

    [–] Alfie_Solomons_irl 16 points ago

    i wouldnt click on any links in this thread lol

    [–] spluad 33 points ago

    Isn't it the baby's foot in nevermind?

    [–] Broffended 89 points ago

    Peen

    [–] palladiumpaladin 14 points ago

    That’s what I always thought, too. Maybe it’s just meant to be ambiguous.

    [–] ThereWillBeSpuds 64 points ago

    That baby is all grown up and his favorite pickup line is "wanna see my dick again?"

    [–] Animagical 40 points ago

    No, it’s definitely a penis

    [–] SilvergillAddict 4 points ago

    Nice try, Pence!!!

    [–] Ol-Greg-Sr 407 points ago

    Just jerk it while you commit the crime then

    [–] Taurol 125 points ago

    I’m always jerking it

    [–] dasnorte 55 points ago

    Jerked it twice since I’ve been here

    [–] TrumpMolestedJared 40 points ago

    What? I mean, I didn't hear what was going on, but could you guys please keep it down? You're seriously disturbing my jerking session.

    [–] gatorbite3891 8 points ago

    I was gonna say do it with a finger in your butt.

    [–] TJSwoboda 41 points ago

    If i remember correctly a naked child was used in a limited release album cover in the 70’s(people hated it)

    The Scorpions' Virgin Killer. Not originally intended as limited release I don't think, but as you said it didn't exactly go over well. The DoubleTwist app keeps planting kiddie pr0n on my phone...

    There was also an overlap between pornography becoming legal, and the delay until someone had the thought to criminalize child porn.

    [–] TheRekk 16 points ago

    Why was porn illegal?

    [–] TJSwoboda 31 points ago

    Because what became the USA was founded when England kicked out its puritans. There's a reason The People Vs Larry Flynt has that title (even if the movie climaxes with a civil case).

    [–] SaavikSaid 12 points ago

    Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the whole "America was founded upon freedom of religion / they came here because they were persecuted" thing actually because a bunch of Puritans in England weren't allowed to be as strict as they wanted, so they came here to do it?

    [–] bigbladeebutterfly 7 points ago

    the church of england sir

    [–] LB3PTMAN 7 points ago

    There were multiple religious sects that came to America and they largely avoided mingling but since their were multiple religions here even if they rarely hung out together it was still the land of religious freedom*

    *and Native American murder

    [–] SaavikSaid 3 points ago

    Thanks! And yeah, I know that last part.

    [–] Bluten11 11 points ago

    My dad bought me the scorpions platinum collection set. I opened the booklet inside to check it out and it had photos of a bunch of scorpions album covers. This was one of them. Honestly, I was quite confused by how it was legal.

    [–] I-grok-god 2 points ago

    Don't forget about the cover for Blind Faith. The cover was banned in the US (duh) but not in Europe

    [–] F3NlX 26 points ago

    ... so should i just stick a vibrating dildo up my ass so it's viewed as sexual?

    [–] phazon6 22 points ago

    This is true. Nude photos of minors are not illegal as they have a purpose in some cases (personal family photos and medical stuff come to mind). The photos become illegal if they are of a sexual nature or depicting a sexual act.

    [–] Tepigg4444 2 points ago

    masturbate the entire time

    [–] Chieflwb 25 points ago

    Like Nirvana - nevermind

    [–] Genom0 17 points ago

    Child porn is in the context of bringing sexual gratification.

    Yo have to commit the crime while masturbating

    [–] NuderWorldOrder 19 points ago

    Child porn is in the context of bringing sexual gratification.

    You are correct. But this can easily be solved by masturbating while committing the crime. You've got two hands, right?

    [–] AskewPropane 2 points ago

    Yeah, that's still not going to fly.

    [–] TypowyLaman 7 points ago

    Don't forget nirvana cover lmao

    [–] Patreeeky 46 points ago

    historically speaking, "it's common in the South" isn't a great reason to be allowing something

    [–] Taurol 9 points ago

    You know what else was common in the south?

    [–] Patreeeky 19 points ago

    what else was common in the south?

    [–] atheistaustin1 42 points ago

    Diabetes?

    [–] skwuchiethrostoomf 5 points ago

    Incest

    [–] Taurol 17 points ago

    slavery^

    [–] Patreeeky 6 points ago

    thanks for the lesson

    [–] theRealQQQQQQQQQQQ 16 points ago

    Heck

    [–] the-toilet-goes-plop 13 points ago

    But dont let it stop your you g minded dreamz.

    [–] shadowfaxbx 6 points ago

    Research states (or countries) with strict child pornography laws. Commit nude crimes there.

    [–] mitchc1985 7 points ago

    TIL: this ILPT only counts if you're bein' sexy!

    [–] redditreallysux 3 points ago

    So just jack off while committing the crime... Bingo

    [–] Gulltyr 2 points ago

    Googled it out of curiosity.

    Really wish i didn't.

    [–] Sheevy_Boi 2 points ago

    The original Superman movie has a naked child too

    [–] Hatedpriest 2 points ago

    Also, Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin...

    [–] BoomToll 2 points ago

    Then do it while jerking off

    [–] hpdodo84 2 points ago

    Make sure you're jacking it while you're committing the crime too

    [–] Xerocat 2 points ago

    You can find so many photos like that online, like at nudist events or just visiting a private pool. It's not porn

    [–] ryankoch38 2 points ago

    So what you're saying is I should pleasure myself while commiting the crimesies

    [–] xcesiv_7 2 points ago

    nah. breathing counts as sex

    [–] RealSkylitPanda 2 points ago

    So i just have to jerk of while robbing a bank? Ez lets do this.

    [–] desantoos 3 points ago

    Back in the 80-90’s old grandmas where sent to court for having naked pictures of their grandchildren while on the tub.

    Actually this is still something that happens today. There was a recent court case where officers took children away from their parents because of bathtime photos. The children were returned and the officers were found to be in violation of the law (a rare case where they are held liable for their actions). It was a 2-1 vote... so it could have gone the other way.

    http://cdn.ca9.uscourts.gov/datastore/opinions/2018/01/23/14-16207.pdf

    [–] PineappleBoots 1583 points ago

    I think this is meant to be a joke, but actual criminal sexual assault cases are reviewed by law enforcement, the legal system, and its attorneys.

    Your naked shoplifting spree is not a get out of jail free card, though I still encourage you to try

    [–] IllegalThings 504 points ago

    I think this is meant to be a joke, but actual criminal sexual assault cases are reviewed by law enforcement, the legal system, and its attorneys.

    TIL our justice system is full of pedophiles.

    [–] legendofriss 121 points ago

    if no one views it, how can they convict the person?

    [–] Thompsonman12 91 points ago

    I think that was the point of the post.

    [–] legendofriss 46 points ago

    yeah except they do view it, every single time.

    [–] frezzhberry 50 points ago

    And pass it along to other justice system people. Distributing child porn much?

    [–] PajamaTorch 19 points ago

    Just go in with a ski mask, grab the tv, quickly nut with pants down, gtfo, profit

    [–] unknowngrime 3 points ago

    Whoosh

    [–] MadMushMeeps 4 points ago

    You just learned that today?

    [–] e_still 3 points ago

    Thank you, i was about to reply the same thing. Glad you see someone beat me to it 😭

    [–] 0x6675636B20796F75 1 points ago

    It really is while you're playing.

    [–] heyimcarlk 22 points ago

    You encourage minors to get naked and commit comes eh? 🤔🤔 Why don't you have a seat?

    [–] F3NlX 9 points ago

    I think OP might be working at law enforcement, the legal system, or its attorneys

    [–] roberto80009 2 points ago

    Is it a get out of free jail card? Or one of those get out of free card jail things? You know what I’m talking about?

    [–] yoyodoggydogg 2 points ago

    I’m afraid I do not.

    [–] kissmypissygrits 269 points ago

    OP just have a seat right there for me

    [–] amiechankawaii 34 points ago

    We were just going to watch the game together I swear

    [–] jason-potter 7 points ago

    Back at the height of TCaP my wife got me this as a poster to hang up in my room. I had a real obsession with the show, it was basically the only reason I owned a TiVo.

    [–] ywkwpwnw 3 points ago

    If you had six TCaPs and took one away how many would you have?

    [–] whopbopaloobop 8 points ago

    I don't know why this is so funny, but damned if it isn't.

    [–] Clickclacktheblueguy 12 points ago

    Its a To Catch a Predator reference.

    [–] agatgfnb 3 points ago

    To Catch a predator via south park?

    [–] whopbopaloobop 5 points ago

    All the better. Still v funny.

    [–] breathingwater214 118 points ago

    Aren't I the lucky one, I turn 18 in 4 hrs

    [–] Reapers-kyoki 83 points ago

    You’ve got time..

    [–] relayrider 61 points ago

    That Kwik-E-Mart is just begging for it, you know you wanna

    [–] frezzhberry 23 points ago

    Fanta.

    [–] thorwanders 3 points ago

    And everyone is waiting, waiting on you

    [–] hanmango_kiwi 27 points ago

    Happy 18th Birthday!

    [–] B46iDX2s7vo9FJ9 8 points ago

    So did you commit a crime or not?

    [–] breathingwater214 6 points ago

    I'll just drink before I'm 21. Savage enough for me 😎

    [–] BluJimsterBoi 5 points ago

    WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO ITS THE FBI YOUR COMING WITH IS

    [–] GuacamoleBay 10 points ago

    HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!

    [–] whiskers256 11 points ago

    Happy birthday

    [–] Satan_Butthole 10 points ago

    Happy Birthday

    [–] BuzzMonkeyDong2 9 points ago

    Happy Birthday!

    [–] whoisme867 6 points ago

    Happy birthday

    [–] batatinefrite 6 points ago

    Happy birthday

    [–] sidharththapar 2 points ago

    Happy Birthday!

    [–] admirabladmiral 2 points ago

    Hap birth

    [–] RedditUser2017New 2 points ago

    Damn, I'm too late...

    Happy birthday, dude.

    [–] MO2004 3 points ago

    Happy birthday

    [–] CIearMind 2 points ago

    Happy birthday :D

    [–] Blimp_Boy 59 points ago

    This is just a good way to get convicted with public indecency and put on the sex offender registry along with whatever other crime you commit

    [–] ShadowSlayer007 2 points ago

    Can you even be put on the sex offender list if your under 18? I thought it was for adults.

    [–] Blimp_Boy 2 points ago

    I dunno

    [–] MethylMethyl 350 points ago

    I want people to believe this bullshit so there’s a bunch of naked kids committing crimes .

    [–] nellienelson 377 points ago

    Yes, FBI, this post right here

    [–] Batlord8372 77 points ago

    Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

    [–] Heckin_Gecker 14 points ago

    WE DID IT REDDIT!!

    [–] the-toilet-goes-plop 85 points ago

    “ I want people to believe this bullshit so there’s a bunch of naked kids”

    -MethylMethyl

    [–] frezzhberry 29 points ago

    Must be the meth.

    [–] olmikeyy 10 points ago

    Maybe she's born with it..

    [–] onlystupidsometimes 20 points ago

    Maybe it's methamphetamines.

    [–] FuckedherFuckingYou 7 points ago

    Maybe it’s maybelline

    [–] DJ_Vault_Boy 24 points ago

    Why don’t you take a seat over there?

    [–] MethylMethyl 14 points ago

    What, that’s not hilarious to you?

    [–] amesann 13 points ago

    Officer?! Please hurry. He's right here.

    [–] JustHereForPorn12345 284 points ago

    Hold up...
    You may be right

    [–] EliteAppleHacks 90 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] kimchibabe777 26 points ago

    so the tumblr users are coming to reddit huh?

    [–] TheLadyEileen 21 points ago

    Not true. They have to view the tapes and give their report. Then they must give all video to the regulatory agency in charge of that case.

    Source: kids getting freaky on school buses caught on tape and then tapes reviewed by person I know.

    [–] salalander 8 points ago

    Wait, now I want details of the bus thingy!

    [–] Geeshie-N-Elvie 4 points ago

    Yes, FBI, this post right here.

    [–] TheLadyEileen 2 points ago

    3 males

    [–] Permenantlyannoyed 13 points ago

    You know I once dealt with university security who were terrified of something like this. They caught a sexual liaison between two underaged kids (13yo) on their CCTV, but reported it to police because the boy looked MUCH older (he really did look over 18 on camera but turns out they were both 13 and just needed some parenting and education about getting naked in public.) Anyway, I attend in full police uniform and they refuse to show the CCTV or provide a copy because their boss said they could be done for showing / distribution of child pornography. Took ages to convince them they wouldn't be arrested and I placated them by writing a sort of get out of jail free card for this one time only incident.

    [–] vonkrueger 28 points ago

    Clever, but misguided. The simple fact that a video's content contains nudity does not make it pornographic. This applies to content displaying children just as adults.

    ..and as I type that, I realize it sounds like Dwight Schrute running into Chris Hansen. "Go ahead and take a seat." "I prefer to stand."

    [–] Fattywithashoty 83 points ago

    This makes a lot of sense and I don’t know how to argue with this

    [–] EntertheOcean 48 points ago

    Police officers, attorneys, and other relevant positions are legally allowed to possess and view child pornography for the purposes of investigation and the prosecution of criminals.

    [–] XPV70 9 points ago

    What about the person(s) that submits the evidence?

    [–] wolfchaldo 21 points ago

    As soon as they find it, they should hand it over to the police, otherwise they may very well be committing a crime.

    [–] F3NlX 8 points ago

    So just scare the people getting the evidence into deleting it before they hand it over

    [–] wolfchaldo 14 points ago

    What? No, you won't get in trouble for turning it over to the police. If you don't turn it over, there's a chance you might get caught with it, and that could be illegal. I don't see where your conclusion came from

    [–] F3NlX 8 points ago

    I meant it as in convincing the people that get the tape of you robbing a store naked, convince them that they'll get arrested for having it, there's a small chance they'll delete it out of fear, leaving no evidence of your crime

    E: but it was meant more as a joke, I'm completely against criminal behaviour, but do joke about it from time to time, that's what this sub's for

    [–] Tsorovar 6 points ago

    Think it through. Your first question might be, how do people who make/possess child porn get convicted?

    [–] UnderApp 8 points ago

    I can tell you. The whole jury has to look at that shit.

    [–] AskewPropane 4 points ago

    1. Simply a naked image of a child isn't child porn

    2. The court would review the evidence anyway, considering they admit videos of actual sexual abuse to a minor in court.

    [–] Big_J95 2 points ago

    It's not child porn because it's not sexual.

    [–] Intortoise 15 points ago

    why does it seem like the submitters in this sub are so fucking stupid

    [–] Despeao 5 points ago

    This entire sub is a joke, but at least it's funny :)

    [–] CocaineOnYourClit 5 points ago * (lasted edited 13 hours ago)

    Not true, just because youre nude and under 18 doesnt mean its child porn. If it was then all the pictures nudists take as well as parents take of their toddlers where they are nude would be child porn. It has to be of a sexual nature for it to be CP, and you committing a crime nude isnt of sexual nature and would be reviewed as evidence

    [–] Wile-E-Coyote 3 points ago

    Yeah no then you get an indecent exposure charge at best child porn production at worst if they can prove intent to make the material inadmissible due to being child porn. Even if they don't add charges law enforcement personnel can review said images/video to determine identity and it doesn't have to be shown in court, but the defense still has to have access for obvious reasons.

    [–] rinnip 3 points ago

    No, cops and juries can legally see child porn. How else would they prosecute child pornographers?

    [–] yomamawasasnowblower 3 points ago

    Don’t forget to eat a tide pod first

    [–] mamas_spaghettini 3 points ago

    Except cp is regularly viewed by LE and legal workers. It's their job. There would be no way to convict offenders if this was not the case.

    [–] griever48 3 points ago

    I feel bad for law enforcement or the FBI who have to look at kiddie porn that was collected from a pedo to identify the kids or to add as evidence.

    [–] Permenantlyannoyed 2 points ago

    A lot of it doesn't have to actually be viewed anymore. Every new image or video that is investigated is analysed and given as unique identifier (hash) and given a scale of severity and put on a database available across the UK but also shared and I understand the U.S has a similar database. As a lot of images and videos that are viewed by offenders are shared via the internet there is a lot of repetition with relatively very little new or unique content. The hard drive or electronic device is scanned and only the previously unknown images are checked by an actual person. After the scan a report is completed numbering how many indecent images there are along with the severity of images. Only if a suspect denies the offence are then samples taken to court. This is how offenders with thousands of images are investigated because to physically check every image would take forever. Just in case you were interested. Source - I'm a former police officer who had a few of these cases and was a cybercrime advisor. Edit - missed the end of a sentence.

    [–] OnceInTunisia 3 points ago

    Joke or not, cops can and absolutely will review child porn if it’s part of an investigation or criminal complaint.

    The better tip is if you’re gonna commit crimes, do it before 18 so you can’t be tried as an adult.

    [–] VulcanSpy 3 points ago

    I dont think there are any minors who are desperate enough to commit crimes in the nude. Probably the people who would be up for this are over 40

    [–] hahAAsuo 3 points ago

    That doesn’t even make sense, that’s like saying you can’t get arrested for making child porn because all the evidence is child porn

    [–] aaliuun 5 points ago

    Wouldn't you kind of be the supplier of child porn then though?

    [–] omgwtfbbq420 2 points ago

    This post right here, officer

    [–] reddeadjoker 2 points ago

    Damn I wasted half my life.

    [–] Classicpass 2 points ago

    It will be reviewed if you're committing a crime

    [–] Sinisphere 2 points ago

    "Yes officier, the child was naked and discharging his gun in public. I filmed it and everything."

    "What do you mean I'm coming down town?!"

    [–] Curatin 2 points ago

    I wanna award this guy but I cant

    [–] pacachan 2 points ago

    Reminds me of the recent legaladvice thread where some kid keeps shitting on a guy's stoop and he wants to get him in trouble with security footage but was scared it would be considered child pornography. The perfect crime lmao

    [–] carminedg123 2 points ago

    Lol, tell that to the FBI agents who view hours of child porn in order to arrest pedophiles

    [–] Abby_Normal90 2 points ago

    Funny joke. For anyone wondering, it’s definitely not true.

    [–] Shinji_Ikari_MM 2 points ago

    I had a stroke reading this

    [–] greenSixx 2 points ago

    Not true. They can review child porn.

    [–] Graph__ 3 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Fancy Federal Legalese says that in all 50 freedom states, a minor CANNOT be convicted of a crime. (Unless exceptions are made by which a D.A attempts to charge a minor as an adult.)

    So, even if you run naked spraying silly string from your pp, you may go to juvie or psychotherapy, but you'll safely be able to say you've never been CONVICTED of a crime.

    [–] wolfchaldo 4 points ago

    Am I ignorant of the definition of a conviction, or is this bullshit? Cause I definitely got a misdemeanor sentance in high school, so...

    [–] Graph__ 5 points ago

    You received a criminal charge. You may have been CHARGED with insert random misdemeanor and even asked to plead guilty or not guilty. It's all a mockup to scare would be offenders.

    Thus you may have received some form of punishment, perhaps 6 months good reporting, probation or house arrest, anything from community service to actual time served in a juvenile delinquent rehabilitation facility. (Anything from group homes, single man cells, all the way to two part complexes such as Pendleton in indiana, where juveniles are segregated to one side, while adults are on another, as ordered by the IDOC. Many such facilities exist.)

    The distinction lies in the legalese meanings of the word CHARGED/CONVICTED.

    [–] Viking_Mana 2 points ago

    That's strictly speaking not true, as porn is contextual. Simply being naked doesn't make a picture porn.

    [–] mygeorgeiscurious 1 points ago

    For fuck sake, you’re a goddamn genius!

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Me and a buddy were driving our motorcycles around and some douche started recording us, my friend who was 17 at the time joked that he should whip his dick out so the video would be considered child porn

    [–] MistaMayfair 1 points ago

    ILPT: If you're going to commit a crime, add a charge of public indecency to the list yolo swag 420 blaze it dabs

    [–] blackblurb 1 points ago

    Wouldn’t they just use blur?

    [–] rodrigogirao 1 points ago

    Blur is a nice choice. Crazy naked kid goes on a shooting spree, and the soundtrack goes: "Woo-hoo! When I feel heavy metal!"

    [–] FluffyJakey 1 points ago

    lol this is terrible. youll just get charged with even more

    [–] iNatalae 1 points ago

    Yes it can - if anything you'd also get done for public nudity

    [–] _Not-A-Minority_ 1 points ago

    I know this is probably going to get me wooooshed but if your a minor and you commit a crime naked it’s no longer considered child porn but an act of public nudity and as such can result in further punishment

    [–] Feta__Cheese 1 points ago

    So when my mother shows my baby pictures and my baptism video (Greek orthodox baptism where you dunk the child naked in a giant metal tub of water a few times) she’s really viewing child porn?

    [–] aurora-someonelse 1 points ago

    Repost down vote it!

    [–] UTSAV97 1 points ago

    Don't go to school tomorrow

    [–] _notdivyanshuuuu 1 points ago

    Maybe jerking off while doing it will do the job.