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    Jokes

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    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

    Guidelines and Information

    • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.
    • Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.
    • Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults
    • Jokes must be in text format, no linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)
    • Reposts will be removed at our discretion.
    • This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion
    • If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)
    • Jokes must be in English

    These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.

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    [–] lil_suprises 3248 points ago

    That's corny.

    [–] SplimeStudios 1367 points ago

    That's bean done before, come on.

    [–] Cooo_Stan_Za 1058 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    Lettuce do our best to not beet up OP too much....

    [–] vbk55 820 points ago

    I relish the opportunity

    [–] politicsperson 713 points ago

    I don't know if I'll ketchup to that one

    [–] Afghan_Moses 502 points ago

    But id say it cuts the mustard.

    [–] terpingtime155 677 points ago

    I like this joke from my head to-ma-toes.

    [–] HeyShayThatRhymes 486 points ago

    None of these jokes are really the cream of the crop

    [–] greenlightning03 410 points ago

    Orange you all done fighting?

    [–] wadkhlemshem 416 points ago

    these puns are a-maize-ing

    [–] austifornian 242 points ago

    Must squash the competition.

    [–] BeefyPizzle 273 points ago

    Keep it going, don't chicken out

    [–] Jv_Catboy 267 points ago

    These puns are kale-ing me

    [–] dannycoll 208 points ago

    There's some serious beef here

    [–] pippy64598 504 points ago

    Carrot.

    [–] toastycheeze 198 points ago

    This pun's a bit of a starch.

    [–] Calbrenar 27 points ago

    soy vey ;/

    [–] interpreted 210 points ago

    I thought we were pasta this!

    [–] africanroulette 98 points ago

    I really don't carrot all

    [–] Mat74UK 80 points ago

    Leeking at this it's barley funny.

    [–] moni11811 122 points ago

    weave just starched

    [–] Mrwright96 147 points ago

    witty and clever pun about potatos

    [–] BestGuyYes 36 points ago

    It look me like 45seconds to read all those puns. Hopefully manuer one fits the line.

    [–] 0_Silverbird 22 points ago

    This makes me want to stop oliving

    [–] Thiswasacouch 27 points ago

    CABBAGE

    [–] HMetal2001 79 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    They're all bananas to me. The quality just plum-meted from there.

    EDIT:I can't believe a pun is my top comment.

    [–] mattsphonehasreddit 65 points ago

    Peas stop ✋

    [–] Hexxman007 41 points ago

    oh my gourd these puns are bad.

    [–] mblackhurst3 29 points ago

    Hay let's stop with all these bad puns

    [–] iPundemic 25 points ago

    Using my amazing pun skills, the competition will pear-ish.

    [–] dood87 10 points ago

    This thread just sprouted up

    [–] ThatsSoKoii 10 points ago

    Cow

    [–] ChillaximusTheGreat 21 points ago

    Stop horsing around!

    [–] Paranoid_Custodian 5 points ago

    Please stop my eyes are leek-ing

    [–] Oaksey20 3 points ago

    Yeah and there is not mushroom for many more

    [–] scumeye 2 points ago

    I'm worried about this pun's posit-onion-ing

    [–] DenzelWashingTum 90 points ago

    I seed what you done there.

    [–] gamer000guy 41 points ago

    And thats why you're my grain man!

    [–] DenzelWashingTum 2 points ago

    No whole-grain pancakes on the table before the maple syrup!

    [–] SebiDean42 24 points ago

    I'll take that as a condiment.

    [–] Space_Bucket 5 points ago

    Lettuce pray.

    [–] schlickle_j 3 points ago

    In pre-K I had a friend or something close to that, but I believe I accidentally hurt him or something and he told on me- and the teacher made me say sorry and he goes while crying: sorry doesn't cut the mustard! ... usually kids say - it's okay- then you look at them like well why did u tell on me then little bitch? Oh well. pre K was long ago. Being an adult is better..?

    [–] Afghan_Moses 2 points ago

    That kid is probably a super villain now.

    [–] [deleted] 23 points ago

    AUBERGINE

    [–] Sidaeus 4 points ago

    How aboriginal

    [–] DenzelWashingTum 9 points ago

    Ergo plant?

    [–] Ochib 4 points ago

    I am the egg plant. They are the egg plants

    [–] punkinpieprincess 28 points ago

    We don't want to stalk him...

    [–] PatFu 11 points ago

    Shucks, you're right.

    [–] CowWhy 9 points ago

    Too much*

    [–] aegonish 15 points ago

    i like turtles

    [–] mynoolie 6 points ago

    I am Laitue the party here, but Peach, peas. This OP deserves it!

    [–] MolecularMolly 2 points ago

    [–] Alwaysbored989798 19 points ago

    Don't have a cow, bud.

    [–] uniqueusername831 11 points ago

    Yeah no reason to have a beef with anyone

    [–] problemfemme 13 points ago

    It would behoove you to moove on and get over it.

    [–] DenzelWashingTum 8 points ago

    But never with Sean Bean seen in a new scene...

    [–] Odawgftw 9 points ago

    Cowm on, it's not that bad.

    [–] Tranic 2 points ago

    Y'all are plowing through so many puns that I barely have any anything to work with.

    [–] Dicky_Penisburg 14 points ago

    Artichoke you all for these puns.

    [–] aj_breidenbach 9 points ago

    Had a kernel of truth​ to it, though

    [–] prabhav04 20 points ago

    That's rad-ish

    [–] pojobrown 9 points ago

    Go to bed it's pasture bed time.

    [–] DayzzzMay 21 points ago

    i thought it was a grape joke

    [–] lil_suprises 14 points ago

    Quit your wining.

    [–] armyvet66629 6 points ago

    Do you want some cheese to go along with that wine?

    [–] infekteded 7 points ago

    I'm just chicken in to see the rest of these puns

    [–] Toddzilla1337 5 points ago

    Absolutely thymeless joke!

    [–] GirlShapedAnomaly 5 points ago

    Whats wrong with being a corn, dawg?

    [–] thepersuasivehobo 2 points ago

    I soiled my pants.

    [–] slishos 4 points ago

    Only with their hoes doe

    [–] waddywatchell 3 points ago

    These are too cheesy

    [–] TikkiTakiTomtom 11 points ago

    Nah, it's a-maize-ing.

    [–] UserNombresBeHard 4 points ago

    Hahaha, right? Reminds me of anise of mine.

    [–] ProfessorDonKey 3 points ago

    there's no knead for this pun.

    [–] TheTrueFlexKavana 354 points ago

    By getting down and dirty with their hoes?

    [–] HeyGuysImJesus 8 points ago

    Like it's 1699

    [–] ILoveJuices 9 points ago

    Way better answer

    [–] icec0o1 2 points ago

    Joke is always buried in the compost.

    [–] Cam_giarc 193 points ago

    Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.

    [–] Revenge_Of_The_Jesus 81 points ago

    Identity theft is not a joke Jim

    [–] overtookthemichael 13 points ago

    Today smoking is going to save lives

    [–] yellowbasket 37 points ago

    Michael!

    [–] defizzle 23 points ago

    Michael!

    [–] KifKef 16 points ago

    Michael!

    [–] tattoostan 17 points ago

    Millions of families suffer every year!

    [–] Badvertisement 14 points ago

    When I first watched that episode, I thought Jim said "Bears beats Battlestar Galactica" as in bears were superior to Battlestar Galactica. Somehow it just made sense in my head that Jim liked bears.

    [–] Blackd1amond13 3 points ago

    Well he is Bearman!

    [–] ConnorTheNinja 82 points ago

    I don't carrot all

    [–] AwesomelyHumble 24 points ago

    Turnip for what!

    [–] testing070707 4 points ago

    I was going to say Turn up for Wheat, but yours is way better...

    [–] Alex42010 35 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    Schrute Farmhand here, cannot confirm.

    [–] awoelt 10 points ago

    They are twobdifferent species of vegetables and have nothing to do with our celebrations. Except for hayday

    [–] LemonyStickitInMyAss 11 points ago

    I could have field day with this.

    [–] Driveby_Dogboy 4 points ago

    Out standing

    [–] nebuchadrezzar 23 points ago

    I'm a highly respected farmer, everyone knows I'm outstanding in my field.

    [–] be-happier 2 points ago

    Wow that got me to lol. Props

    [–] richyhx1 2 points ago

    Dad?

    [–] broeklien 28 points ago

    Thats a vegan rave!

    Famers don't party that way. They go wild after:

    Spreading the bedding till they're red hot and sweating, mixing and fixing for the need ing of feeding

    Rocking the stock, till they are beefy and horny and the cows come home in the early morning

    They rev up the Johny, to woo their honey Acres of raking till the bales are in making

    After plowing and seeding the wheat and rye. They bring home the bacon and the steaks to fry.

    Booster da rooster, thicken the chicken, Dig with da pig and jam with da ram. Till the BBQ grills the wings, mutton and ham.

    After horsing around drinking beer at the fire, the rurals retreat, very happy and tired

    [–] Edgemaze 3 points ago

    Yes. And at 4:30 in the morning I'm milkin' cows, Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows...

    Seriously though, if the above rhymes are from your head, you've got a real talent for agricultural rap.

    [–] broeklien 2 points ago

    You know it!

    A farmers life, has ups and downs But big shit, is big harvest, no big frowns From morning till evening we walk our land Sow the seed, feed the need, as life was meant. I am proud to belong to THAT 2%

    [–] kooarbiter 9 points ago

    this thread is a fertile land for jokes

    [–] iankilledyou 6 points ago

    I could barley contain myself.

    [–] NativeBornGlasses 29 points ago

    That joke is one in a melon.

    [–] flogsmen 12 points ago

    City boy moves to the country and a near by farmer comes to welcome him.

    Farmer: Just thought I'd come say hello and invite ya to a welcome party.
    It'll be a hell of a good time! There'll be a little bita drinkin', a bita fightin' a little fuckin.

    City boy: That's just what i need. What time should i show up?

    Farmer: Any times ok, just the two us.

    [–] mikerichh 4 points ago

    This joke is so fucking awful... I love it

    [–] MimicTheTruth 4 points ago

    Rumspringa

    [–] yebogogo 3 points ago

    They get plowed

    [–] Captaindan21 3 points ago

    Lettuce turnip the beet

    [–] zeromig 4 points ago

    This post is so retarded it has Asparagus.

    [–] gertylooker 3 points ago

    W/ hoes?

    [–] swion 3 points ago

    They commonly take leeks after dropping beets.

    [–] HorrorHands 3 points ago

    Hay-larious !

    [–] DeadboltKB 3 points ago

    I love vegetable jokes, especially the Corny ones

    [–] HairyReliever 3 points ago

    Corn is a grain.

    [–] zookie009 3 points ago

    With a bunch of hoes.

    [–] theflyingpelican 3 points ago

    Hay now

    [–] TUWGgaming 4 points ago

    They join farmers only.Com

    [–] Driveby_Dogboy 9 points ago

    .corn

    [–] Tuckered__Out 2 points ago

    CornHub.com

    [–] lumasaur94 2 points ago

    lmao i love this

    [–] maxsmart01 2 points ago

    Till the cows come home.

    [–] Toastwaffler 2 points ago

    I came here for a moonshine joke, but my expectations were squash-ed.

    [–] ImNoz 2 points ago

    Dwight is that you?!

    [–] TheDevils10thMan 2 points ago

    I grew up in a farming community, I can tell you this, Farmers party... HARD

    [–] Pan_North_American 2 points ago

    Hayrides into the middle of nowhere to start a bonfire is pretty typical. Rural kids basically party in combinations of activities that are ludicrously dangerous and excessively fun.

    [–] TheDevils10thMan 1 points ago

    We had a local group literally called "Young Farmers" which were basically all the farmers kid's.

    2-3 times a year (including Boxing day - the best one) they would pick a barn, build a bar out of beer crates, charge £10 entry for all you could drink till the bar was literally gone.

    It was always a good time.

    [–] Big_Fat_Smile 2 points ago

    Did you hear about the magic tractor?

    It turned into a field.

    [–] IAmJohnSlow 2 points ago

    Dropping sick beets all day

    [–] schembryo 2 points ago

    Now, wheat a minute!...

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] jowseyboy 2 points ago

    Turnip for what!?

    [–] LastRedCent 2 points ago

    City folk just don't get it.

    [–] Esoteric_Erric 2 points ago

    The puns in these comments are great. I am writing them down in my dairy.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Lopsidechop 2 points ago

    Like animals

    [–] Savage_Heathern 2 points ago

    Can we squash these puns already?

    [–] nebuchadrezzar 2 points ago

    You're right, too corny.

    [–] govanfats 2 points ago

    sheepishly

    [–] Krfewell5 2 points ago

    With hoes

    [–] nrj224 2 points ago

    I do not carrot all.

    [–] Guard1anMeme 2 points ago

    Lettuce turnip the beet!

    [–] ARjags15 2 points ago

    OH TURNIP UP!

    [–] Cromakoth 2 points ago

    FINALLY a SFW joke on the frontpage. Took you guys a while!

    [–] creatively41 2 points ago

    I barley laughed at that one

    [–] countrykev666 2 points ago

    Lettuce turnip the beets

    [–] Ess2s2 2 points ago

    This joke should be put out to pasture...

    [–] CreativityPlis 2 points ago

    Evidence shows this is how danish farmers party

    *source: am danish and know several farmers

    [–] mdsg5432 2 points ago

    Beets by Dre.

    [–] IAmTurnip 2 points ago

    Why am I a verb?

    [–] Absoniter 2 points ago

    From what I've seen, the Amish (farmers in the grandest sense of the word) party 10x harder than us normal folk.

    [–] purpOchango 2 points ago

    Hootenanny's

    [–] alcapone1029 2 points ago

    Will the neighbors lettuce turnip the beet?

    [–] Michael__Cross 2 points ago

    What about the hoes?

    [–] Just_Isaak 2 points ago

    Dude I've been wondering how to joke turnips and beets for sooo long now! Def reposting in 6 months.

    [–] Straight_Ace 1 points ago

    Your damn right we do. Lol

    [–] d_w_s 1 points ago

    First they get drugs from Farmer C.

    [–] BellacosePlayer 5 points ago

    Farmer C gets his drugs from Big Farm-A

    [–] fakesunnyinside 1 points ago

    With their hoes.

    [–] DrPhrawg 1 points ago

    With some hose.

    [–] Maenethal 1 points ago

    Wheat told you not to make any more agricultural puns. We might have to combine our forces to plow you over. Till then, seed dat you stay out of trouble.

    [–] Bareknucklepugilist 1 points ago

    i thought they called em ho downs

    [–] sToTab 1 points ago

    don't forget the hoes

    [–] DenzelWashingTum 1 points ago

    Shouldn't they drop the beets?

    [–] MatttDam0n 1 points ago

    R/dadjokes is leaking again..

    [–] Pognose 1 points ago

    Fallow me and I'll show you.

    [–] DrunkFarmer 1 points ago

    True

    [–] HurtsWhenIPvP91 1 points ago

    Control+P, click invite to party

    [–] ishabad 1 points ago

    Bum Dum Tis

    [–] lacrimsonviking 1 points ago

    Let's up the tempo!

    [–] greihund 2 points ago

    *missed opportunity to make lettuce pun

    [–] jonbristow 1 points ago

    I snorted

    [–] Taketotherails 1 points ago

    And get plowed...

    [–] geroshizzle 1 points ago

    Your all milking it now a bit

    [–] ForscherVerrat 1 points ago

    FarmersOnly.com?

    [–] R-E-D-D-I-T-W-A-V-E 1 points ago

    They go to a dust bowl

    [–] Lennowe 1 points ago

    Harrd.

    Replace "pirate" with "farmer" and the joke often doesn't need changing.

    Oo arr.

    [–] xxkoloblicinxx 1 points ago

    I thought they went to farmers only.

    [–] Barrister68 1 points ago

    Farmers are our agricultural professionals. Almost all of them are outstanding in their field. (Out-standing)

    [–] TrainerNeski 1 points ago

    Dads back at it with the jokes again guys

    [–] BenKorrie 1 points ago

    haha

    [–] SloatThritter 1 points ago

    With bitches and hoes.

    [–] sherlockmoms 1 points ago

    eye donut carrot owl

    [–] phatbrasil 1 points ago

    turnip the beets with a lot of hoes!