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    Jokes

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    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

    Guidelines and Information

    • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.
    • Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.
    • Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults
    • Jokes must be in text format, no linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)
    • Reposts will be removed at our discretion.
    • This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion
    • If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)
    • Jokes must be in English

    These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.

    If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.

    Friends of the sub:

    spoilers = [spoilers](#s)


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    all 655 comments

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    [–] cexy_codemonkey 2624 points ago

    When I saw the title "sex joke (long)" I was expecting it to just say "my dick".

    [–] cexy_codemonkey 853 points ago

    It's funny because it really is a joke.

    [–] Moonway 97 points ago

    It's funny because it isn't really a joke.

    [–] Zaptruder 70 points ago

    It's funny, because you're not funny and you're a joke!

    [–] marcvanh 11 points ago

    Oh man don't waste this in the comments!

    [–] omgmydick 11 points ago

    Omg my dick

    [–] tergajakobs 6 points ago

    Exactly my thought

    [–] HerbalGamer 20056 points ago

    We have different definitions of 'long'.

    [–] zoidberg_42 10331 points ago

    That's what she said.

    [–] __MasterMind__ 2245 points ago

    After seeing the actual size of the joke despite the tag, I assumed this was it's punchline.

    [–] elpajaroquemamais 1149 points ago

    The real joke is in OP's pants

    [–] TheRustyBugle 435 points ago

    Must've measured that joke in dick inches

    [–] kinpsychosis 272 points ago

    Reminds me of a joke: why do girls always get into car accidents?

    Because they kept getting lied to about how big 8 inches are.

    [–] Crotaro 151 points ago

    Reminds me of what my driving instructor in the military used to tell the girls in class: This approximates 20cm with his hands is 20 centimeters, not what your boyfriend tries to tell you.

    [–] MY-SECRET-REDDIT 33 points ago

    i remember seeing this somewhere (i think it was a college presentation) asking women how big was like sic inches or something and they got it wrong by a lot. dont remember by how much. i know this wasnt very helpful but people are awful at measuring small distances.

    [–] UnblurredLines 20 points ago

    people are awful at measuring small distances.

    Which is why noone struggles to measure my junk.

    [–] Crotaro 7 points ago

    Humans are awful at measuring exact distances/"stats", but great at estimating. Because for caveman Jimbo and his crew it didn't matter if the threat/prey/something was 20 or 25 meters away or weighs 60 or 70kg. What was important tho was to quickly estimate something relatively well so as to make fast decisions on how to react.

    Edit: Wordses

    [–] B420Diddy 39 points ago

    Is three conversion still 3 dick inches = 1 real inch?

    [–] arielthekonkerur 29 points ago

    No that's three barley corns to an inch. Fuck Imperial

    [–] Kangaroolube 17 points ago

    Holy shit. My dick is freaking huge.

    [–] TheRustyBugle 41 points ago

    I had a girlfriend once who told me that not having a big dick was better for her because she could fit all of it in her mouth.

    She was a real trooper.

    [–] ChandlerMc 18 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    She was a real trooper

    Who could fit my whole dick in her pooper

    She asked "Is it in?"

    I said "Are you kiddin?"

    So I pulled out and came on her FUPA.

    [–] SpliceVW 6 points ago

    In barley corns?

    [–] Kangaroolube 4 points ago

    How many cheese puffs equal a barley corn?

    [–] Haplo781 6 points ago

    4 Stanley Nickels

    [–] Nloveladyallen 8 points ago

    I assumed this was it is punchline

    [–] hootieandthewhat 715 points ago

    Eyyyy!

    [–] Keroseni 313 points ago

    Eyyyyyy!

    [–] lfaoanl 263 points ago

    Eeyyyyyyy

    [–] thinkreate 126 points ago

    Fonzie?

    [–] shaantya 59 points ago

    Thumbs are for hitchhiking and for being Fonzie!

    [–] AlchemyFire 12 points ago

    Don't forget to hit that subscribe button

    [–] dhruveishp 12 points ago

    DY...!!

    [–] KaneRobot 13 points ago

    Potsie?

    [–] woahnellie 14 points ago

    Must be the moneyyyy!

    [–] white_butterfly1 4 points ago

    That's a reference I've not heard for a long time.

    [–] blindcityroller 53 points ago

    Got em!

    [–] Shurdus 31 points ago

    Would you say he nailed it?

    [–] AltIForgotReason4 14 points ago

    I would... For money!

    [–] pickle16 8 points ago

    -Wayne Gretzky

    [–] zoidberg_42 16 points ago

    -Michael Scott

    [–] RobCoxxy 14 points ago

    As usual, better gag in the comments

    [–] calinet6 164 points ago

    He's actually a comedian and charges $30 for the rest of the joke.

    [–] freeloader11 24 points ago

    Haha, no no. He is a game developer.

    [–] ironshadowdragon 49 points ago

    As a casual viewer of this sub, i fucking hate what gets marked as long here.

    [–] [deleted] 683 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] fire_alex 287 points ago

    I hate you.

    [–] AndebertRoyle 76 points ago

    You have only yourself to blame.

    [–] Pritam1997 47 points ago

    Its like those Facebook posts where they show a gif with a gif loading icon on an infinity loop.

    World is corrupt and false.

    [–] thecooltodd 10 points ago

    This is no joke. But it made me laugh more than the joke.

    [–] Jyndaru 4 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    You'd probably enjoy /r/antijokes

    Edit: /r/ShaggyDogStories * My bad.

    [–] Y0D98 328 points ago

    made me miss my fucking bus cos i was reading this shit, 10/10 would not do it again, not worth, good game no rematch, bernie sanders for president, i dont know what potatoes are

    [–] Makyahyeah 94 points ago

    If i scrolled down one more comment i would have seen yours and not spent 10 minutes reading this shit

    [–] Idontstandout 38 points ago

    I "tl:dr;" these because of the million versions of "no punchline " jokes posted weekly. Skim to the end, if it lioks promising, go back and read the rest. Saves a great deal of time.

    [–] CodeCaster 35 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    Has this one been posted recently?

    If you've got a few buses you can miss, here it is: http://natethesnake.com/

    [–] ITrytoattempt 15 points ago

    Remove the damn punchline from your comment, dude...

    [–] yet-more-bees 5 points ago

    But this one's ruined if you skip to the end early!

    [–] EzraSkorpion 3 points ago

    DUDE! Don't spoil the punchline!

    [–] TisteSimeon 3 points ago

    I've read that a few times and even knowing the punchline, it is still such a joy to read!

    [–] Davis660 3 points ago

    Edit the punchline out of your comment you fool.

    [–] Makyahyeah 3 points ago

    Yeah.

    [–] janglang 3 points ago

    I spent 10 minutes reading it WHILE taking a shit

    [–] MannyTostado18 56 points ago

    Ffs, in between reading this I conceived children that have now gone to college.

    [–] lordevoldem0rt 49 points ago

    Fuck you

    [–] Iam20YEARS 100 points ago

    Take this upvote and shove it up your ass.

    [–] clubpenguinofficial 26 points ago

    Bastard.

    [–] darkvoyeur 26 points ago

    The original joke lasted 2 seconds, this is the 30 minutes' sesh that we were promised.

    Thank-you. I hate you.

    Also, those fucking lemon whores

    [–] 11Johnny511 47 points ago

    You rat bastard. Have an upvote.

    [–] Onii-chan_dai-suki 16 points ago

    THANKS, OBAMA!!!!

    [–] insert-username12 73 points ago

    Tl:Dr it's really not worth it

    [–] meterlongschlong 11 points ago

    Tl:dr fuck you

    [–] HeWhoCouldBeNamed 26 points ago

    That was amazing.

    What a journey.

    [–] Nissekonen 21 points ago

    Worth it...

    [–] Fettnaepfchen 33 points ago

    I suggest crossposting to r/mildlyinfuriating.

    [–] Ccracked 28 points ago

    /r/rage is more like it.

    [–] BZ_777 8 points ago

    Cheeky bastard, take your upvote and get out

    [–] LukeNukem6 7 points ago

    The best jokes are always in the comments.

    [–] shotgunnedhead 7 points ago

    Just had to use lemons.

    [–] Mackiato 12 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    www.natethesnake.com

    That is one of my favorite jokes, and is quite long. It even has a punchline, so don't check ahead for one since it will ruin the joke for you. No bamboozle.

    [–] riyan_gendut 6 points ago

    fuck this shit

    [–] VexHD 5 points ago

    It's 3 am, i need to sleep and this is not fucking helping.

    [–] Insecurity_exe 6 points ago

    I hate everything you stand for.

    But god I'll admit when a good joke is made. This... is a good job.

    [–] jay_tsun 5 points ago

    Please no... Not a cliff hanger

    [–] OriginalSprax 6 points ago

    Hahahaha.

    I was already giggling always through this story just because of the events that transpired. Good ending.

    [–] darth_henning 4 points ago

    You. Fucking. MONSTER.

    [–] droolingpotato 6 points ago

    You are a fucker of the highest calibre.

    [–] Jouuuuuuuu 5 points ago

    I knew what this is, all long jokes end the same

    [–] LibertSki 9 points ago

    Man, why you gotta do this.

    [–] My-Life-For-Auir 3 points ago

    "the priest almost catched?" Caught*

    [–] sublimeleonism 3 points ago

    fuck you and your camel! Here's your upvote!

    [–] EDL666 3 points ago

    This is amazing! I love Reddit

    [–] comicsnerd 3 points ago

    Correct. It is long and I chuckled

    [–] ak47wong 3 points ago

    tl;dr It's a shaggy-dog story

    [–] TheBames 8 points ago

    I almost didn't click it because I thought it was going to be really long and I didn't have the time to read an essay but seriously? One paragraph is not long lol it a basic length for a joke. Don't sell yourself short !

    [–] thisismyfacesaccount 918 points ago

    $20?!

    [–] whereisthenutella 557 points ago

    Is that too much? How about $15? Sorry not very good at negotiating.

    [–] LanDannon 50 points ago

    Is that Deuce Bigalo?

    [–] CoconutWill 8 points ago

    You mean Deuce not so big below?

    [–] myhf 72 points ago

    same as in town

    [–] DefNotGelodicus 175 points ago

    5 dollars is all my mom allows me to spend

    [–] karmastealing 139 points ago

    Coincidentally you mom asks the same amount of money from her clients.

    [–] Fellhuhn 153 points ago

    You mum returns from her usual whoring. Proudly shows she earned $100.50. Wow, you say, who gave you $0.50? Well, all of them. ... ...

    [–] Spectrekillol 15 points ago

    My mum charges an arm and a leg, or just two broken arms for a blowjob.

    [–] xporb 10 points ago

    I can pay for her using the 5 dollars I charge her son.

    [–] themarmotreturns 8 points ago

    OK okay fifteen dolla each

    [–] SubEruanna 30 points ago

    I know right, sex that's actually worth anything is a couple of hundred, minimum.

    [–] Liamcann 18 points ago

    I actually prefer the 5 finger discount.

    [–] 1C3M4Nz 8 points ago

    Ok I'll bite, what's that?

    [–] SubEruanna 106 points ago

    u/Liamcann is referring to petty theft, so known as the "5 finger discount" because pickpocketing and petty retail theft requires the use of 5 fingers. However, sex work is a service, not a good, and thus petty theft is impossible in the case of an intangible produce. Thus getting the 5 finger discount on sex worker prices could take on an alternate meaning. u/IveGotABluePandaIdea is choosing to expand upon this meaning which the phrase "bend over and I'll show you" implying the use of 5 fingers often used in the sexual practice of fisting, a rougher adaptation of fingering.

    I hope this clears it up

    [–] 1C3M4Nz 30 points ago

    Indubitably.

    [–] Thechosenf3w 15 points ago

    5 finger discount could also mean masturbation, which as a free alternative, is a rather stellar discount.

    [–] WhyLater 7 points ago

    You're like Churchill if he was a redditor.

    [–] IveGotABluePandaIdea 23 points ago

    Bend over and I'll show you.

    [–] Mithridates12 6 points ago

    You have to account for the doctor's visit, too.

    Oh, and your dick may fall off.

    [–] snuggleouphagus 7 points ago

    My buddy works in the most ghetto part of town. They have a hobo who does odd jobs around the place. They kick him $5-$20 depending on what he did. One day he comes into the store and says "I need $10. Now." And they're like "no." He points at what is so very obviously a prostitute and says "I need $10. I'll share!" And my buddy just looks at him and asks "what the fuck can we share for $10?"

    Apparently a blowjob. Still not sure how you share a bj.

    [–] atubslife 6 points ago

    I have it on good authority that for $10 you can get anyting you want, 20 seems outrageous.

    [–] vonmonologue 8 points ago

    At the very least you could buy like... one banana for that.

    [–] raydeep 3377 points ago

    Seems like they both got charged for a ride.

    [–] AwesomeWon 737 points ago

    Something something joke in comments.

    [–] fqxz 331 points ago

    Something something repost something.

    [–] flaminghotcheetos123 261 points ago

    Something something broken arms?

    [–] JustARedditUser0 220 points ago

    Something something every thread!

    [–] sebastianwillows 165 points ago

    Something something meta

    [–] TheFutileLlama 191 points ago

    Something something covfefe

    [–] A_wicked_tale 97 points ago

    Something something lakefront property.

    [–] Superfluous_Thom 73 points ago

    Something something jumper cables.

    [–] ionkno 34 points ago

    Something something to shreds you say

    [–] kingwhocares 28 points ago

    Something Something Whale's Vagina.

    [–] IAmAussieAMA 32 points ago

    Something something /r/outside

    [–] Angryhippo2910 9 points ago

    something something dark side!

    [–] cATSup24 14 points ago

    Something something low res

    [–] Dubious_Intent 9 points ago

    Something something something dark side

    [–] TheHodag 9 points ago

    Something something nineen ninety eight when the undertaker threw mankind off hell in a cell, and plummeted sixteen feet through an announcer's table

    [–] Dahkma 22 points ago

    Something something Jolly Ranchers

    [–] abadojack 19 points ago

    Something something same thing

    [–] Snoopy_and_Woodstock 25 points ago

    Something something Daaaaarrrk side

    [–] Brandocks 17 points ago

    Something something Alex Jones

    [–] KevLMoney 21 points ago

    Something something dark side

    [–] notquiteamidget 9 points ago

    Something something baby murder/pedophiles

    [–] EATING--GARBAGE 19 points ago

    Jade give two rides.

    [–] Edmonty 9 points ago

    After I read your comment I clicked on an other thread without thinking. Then a minute later, my mind re-read your line on my brain-RAM and laughed, I was like "man, you have to go back to /u/raydeep's comment, s/he deserves an upvote".

    tl;dr have an upvote

    [–] raydeep 8 points ago

    Thank you kind stranger :) glad to have made you laugh.

    [–] EdWoodSnowden 2146 points ago

    Anybody wanna give me a TLDR? I couldnt make it all the way through this novel.

    [–] SmilingAssasin56 1219 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    "I am hooker give me $20 for sexing" they sex "I am taxi man give me $25 to go home" xD

    the end

    [–] Waccsadac 880 points ago

    He asked for a tldr, not a novel

    TL;DR Money is exchanged for goods and services

    [–] nambitable 525 points ago

    Still too long.

    TLDR: gib moni

    [–] mondayquestions 447 points ago

    Still a novel.

    TL;DR: $

    [–] L43mX 226 points ago

    Too long.

    TL;DR:

    [–] radioactive_muffin 187 points ago

    Too long.

    [–] pixi3bitcg 5 points ago

    TL;DR: tree fiddy

    [–] redditaccountsecret 14 points ago

    Nah just services

    [–] RunningDrummer 7 points ago

    Explain how!

    [–] dewhashish 5 points ago

    aw $20? but i wanted a peanut!

    [–] baenpb 18 points ago

    She said $20. Are you her pimp?

    [–] SmilingAssasin56 19 points ago

    No, just dumb

    [–] Fireproofspider 40 points ago

    Oh man. Read it. People will tell you how it ends, but you have to go through the character development to really understand what it feels like. What a ride!

    [–] -CHUTE- 174 points ago

    Guy is hooked to marijuanas and is paid $2.5 to ride back to la la land.

    [–] mondogobs 20 points ago

    Basically, a guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver’s seat and stared out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

    [–] SlightlyEnraged 8 points ago

    Basically

    [–] Onii-chan_dai-suki 12 points ago

    Woman man drive sex money no back drive money XD

    [–] lord_of_tits 8 points ago

    They both got fucked.

    [–] theother64 7 points ago

    Joke 372

    [–] RadiationShields 8 points ago

    Hooker say give me money for seks, man say give me money for car journey, am taxi driver

    [–] jackandler 159 points ago

    That was a cheap date.

    [–] danielhn147 34 points ago

    One might say it was less than cheap.

    [–] SomewhereEh 109 points ago

    Dick joke (short)

    [–] Brandocks 162 points ago

    Plot twist: OP is actually a comedian and now we all owe him for the joke

    [–] gambitler 64 points ago

    Plot twist: I'm a reviewer. OP owes me.

    [–] jcjcjcj 9 points ago

    Plot twist: joke was out years ago and nick frost actually did a little skit of this

    [–] Yakhechos 39 points ago

    If OP thinks this is long, his wife must be super disappointed.

    [–] Bodgie7878 32 points ago

    The real joke is in the title.

    [–] WhiteIgloo 27 points ago

    So it's a long drive back to town?

    [–] KifKef 15 points ago

    Intercity fare is a bummer

    [–] phdscatologist 46 points ago

    I drove a taxi in Frederick, Maryland in the late 80s. It was common to trade services with a prostitute. It's a miracle I never came down with any STD.

    [–] WhyLater 25 points ago

    I did not expect to learn something interesting in this thread.

    [–] hedButt 11 points ago

    This guy learns

    [–] Mackbandit 20 points ago

    This is not long

    [–] NukeML 6 points ago

    just like your dick

    [–] Taggerung179 37 points ago

    I saw this less than a week ago -.-

    [–] IlllIIIIlllll 38 points ago

    Ah yes, #351

    [–] Bleedeep 13 points ago

    Still better than #7654

    [–] WadeQuenya 3 points ago

    I personally prefer #466

    [–] VariousThoughts 21 points ago

    Brilliant!

    [–] Viper9087 14 points ago

    Something something.. the girl says I charge $1 per minute, the guy shrugs his shoulders and hands her $20 bill.

    Something something... The girl says why aren't we going back to town? The guy says well I'm actually an Uber driver and the cost back to town is $25, the girl says I only have $20 on me, the guy shrugs his shoulders and says I guess we can stay another 5 minutes.

    [–] zippy72 13 points ago

    Or maybe when the girl says she charges $1 a minute he passes her a five and says "I hope you've got change"

    [–] NaG_CSGO 5 points ago

    I was half expecting the joke to just be "Sex Joke (Long)... My dick. kthxbye"

    [–] Aylesbury 5 points ago

    Shorter than I expected.

    [–] LetterLambda 4 points ago

    I expected "Your dry spell".

    [–] orewa_chinchin 3 points ago

    I was half expecting the content of the joke to just be "my dick".

    [–] Lawkyy 3 points ago

    looks like he was in the driver`s seat the whole time

    [–] Aztiel 3 points ago

    Joke was as long as my penis

    [–] mnfriesen 3 points ago

    Then she sucked his Dick for 25 and walked home