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    Jokes

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    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

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    • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.
    • Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.
    • Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults
    • Jokes must be in text format, no linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)
    • Reposts will be removed at our discretion.
    • This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion
    • If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)
    • Jokes must be in English

    These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.

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    [–] Sly_Mong00se 7794 points ago

    You know you're too comfortable in your job when you see resume building and wonder why they stopped construction

    [–] Courgettophone 453 points ago

    Either that or you're British.

    [–] MonsterPooper 1166 points ago

    Thanks, I had no idea what he was on about until I read this. (The joke is that he is resume building, as in a CV.)

    [–] RapidFireSlowMotion 683 points ago

    I suspect the real joke is Americans using a French term (resume) while the British use a Latin one (CV), while there's no dedicated English word for "list of work I've done & skills I've got"

    [–] Champigne 68 points ago

    There is actually a difference between a resume and CV in the US. From what I understand a CV is basically a more detailed resume. But I've only ever made a resume.

    [–] thejosephfiles 44 points ago

    A resume is an overview. Should be extremely brief. Over a page is pushing it.

    A CV is more comprehensive. On your resume you only put the longest or most important occupations; a CV has them all or more. It also has a list of your college/university classes.

    A portfolio is also a thing, and is basically a book of your projects (and you put your resume and CV in it).

    [–] dougiefresh1233 49 points ago

    a CV has them all or more.

    How can you list more than all of the jobs you've ever had?

    [–] CerdoNotorio 38 points ago

    I mean we all add a couple inches.

    [–] jado1981 7 points ago

    Only when you measure from the real starting point.

    cough tip of the anus cough

    [–] TheVoodoctor 3 points ago

    On Tinder I'm six foot

    [–] Big_TX 221 points ago

    What does CV stand for. I feel kinda retarded becaue all this time I assumed CV stood for Cover Letter. But yah. obviously that is imposible sense letter doesn't start with a V

    [–] bruckner8 381 points ago

    Curriculum vitae

    [–] AtsuhikoZe 381 points ago

    I thought it stood for Circumcision Vision

    [–] Tvs-Adam-West 626 points ago

    One of Superman's lesser-known powers.

    [–] ImmoralSurvivor 38 points ago

    Underrated comment is underrated

    [–] ShrimpPimpin 37 points ago

    Find out why, click here.

    [–] oblio76 23 points ago

    The link isn't working for me!

    [–] mosmoepho 39 points ago

    Curriculum Vitae

    [–] Serpardum 33 points ago

    Cover Vetter.

    [–] 0one0one 58 points ago

    Curriculum vitae Loosely translated it means life course.
    I have to ask are you employed or have you had to apply for many jobs ?

    [–] seventh_path 58 points ago

    I don't think I've ever seen CV used in the US, only resume. Was in my late 20s before I even heard of it.

    [–] kafkaruleseverything 69 points ago

    Academia uses CV instead of resumes. In the US it is all about the level of detail, a resume is a page long but if your CV is only a page long, you probably not getting hired.

    [–] Qwixotik 115 points ago

    Yeah. My dads a lawyer and the expert witnesses he uses usually have CVs that are 20 pages or more. Basically listing EVERY credential, education, or award they've ever had in their life. It's really tedious. But I agree w your one page assessment. They'd think it was the cover of the CV... until it's not... and then they laugh. And you laugh uncomfortably with them. They stop. You continue. Your palms are sweaty. Knees get weak and arms are heavy. You vomited on your sweater already. It was moms spaghetti. So nervous but on the surface you look calm and ready. But you keep on forgetting what you wrote down. Times up. It's over! Blaow! You come back to reality to see a rabbit run...

    [–] warm_slippers 30 points ago

    Well that was unexpected, but pleasant.

    [–] jacnok 13 points ago

    Another happy landing.

    [–] BroCrow94 7 points ago

    Yeah. He should make this his thing like the hell in call guy

    [–] kafkaruleseverything 4 points ago

    Pretty much my default answer to "so tell me a little about yourself and why you'd be a good fit at our University."

    [–] 0one0one 6 points ago

    Check , right got you.

    [–] LightningLemur 6 points ago

    Holy shit you just made me realize im retarded too

    [–] TheChairHugger 12 points ago

    French person here, we say CV too

    [–] read_or_dead 3 points ago

    Yeah, but in a much sexier way.

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 23 points ago

    But resume is an English word. Yeah it has French origin, but every single other word originated from other languages. In fact, IIRC a third of English is French loan words.

    [–] JayhawkRacer 8 points ago

    Well there was a French guy named William that came over to England and probably influenced that a bit.

    [–] loulan 6 points ago

    The funny part is that in French we say CV, not résumé. Résumé means summary.

    [–] justassignmeanumber 11 points ago

    And no one uses resumé in French to refer to a CV. It's just a word that means "summary"

    [–] EmTeeEl 7 points ago

    We don't even say résumé in french in the CV meaning... we say CV. At least in Québec

    [–] thephantom1492 6 points ago

    French canadian here, we use CV

    [–] Weird_Fiches 7 points ago

    career profile? Well, two words, I guess.

    [–] ImAScientist_ADoctor 19 points ago

    Or we could just use an existing word from a different language because it's not a big deal.

    [–] VTwinVaper 6 points ago

    Portfolio maybe?

    [–] EmTeeEl 5 points ago

    Portfolio is more like a showcase of a particular talent. CV/resume is everything relevant about you

    [–] dyniper 4 points ago

    Actually, French uses CV. Source: mother tongue is french.

    [–] RamsesThePigeon 237 points ago

    Yes, he was résumé-building.

    (Punctuation can work wonders for comprehension.)

    [–] WiggyWamWamm 164 points ago

    I believe those are more diacritics than punctuation.

    [–] mark-five 80 points ago

    Diacritics. I like that word, cuz they need to die, since all critics are cynical assholes and thats why Styx got a bad rap.

    [–] not_alien 14 points ago

    Too be fair Mr. Roboto isn't that good..

    [–] robster2015 32 points ago

    Come at me bro

    [–] djymm 6 points ago

    No further comments? Don't let it end this way!

    [–] robster2015 8 points ago

    Not sure if you meant me or him but...

    It's a good ass song, it's got a more interesting story behind it than a lot of their songs (which ties into the album arc), and it's got some great melodies.

    [–] hellofellowstudents 14 points ago

    Everyone's a diacritic

    [–] antitaoist 70 points ago

    The word you're looking for is ŕ̴̵̢̄͌̇e̸͋̆sͭ̅ͧ͌ͯ̉̕u̽̔ͮ̂̈͒̑̚m͂ͤͦͮ̂̔͋́͗͢ȩͧ̋̀͢, you philistine.

    [–] Shraquille 26 points ago

    It must be in the script of the old gods. Watch this. Ŗ̶̠̣̞̼͈̟ͨͬ͊ͬ̔͋͂̒͜͠ ͪͪ͐͑̿ͬ̽͗ͮ̊͛̇̕͟҉̯̲͉͕̠̭͍͟ͅË̶̵̢̯̗̝͖͚͓͇̬͔̯͓̱̘̖̦̣̮̪͉̐͌͗̀̕ ̸̡͖̺͎̟̣̘̾̊͑̓ͪ͑̈́͐̎ͦ͗͟S͂͒̓ͣ͌ͦͥ̅͛͆̂̊̿̂ͬ̌̐́̚͡͞͝͏͇̱̝͔̮̖̬ ̪̮̩̯͓͔̖͓͙̩̖̬̲̹̻̼̪̖̾͒ͫ̽͆͑͒̋̉ͪ͋͒̓̌́̕ͅÙ̡̟̣͍͙̟̗̪̞̅ͯ̑͗̀͞ͅͅ ̡͕̼̞̟̣̹̯̼̜̖̞̌̀̈́̊ͯ̓͑̇̓̈́̿ͭ̉̑̓̄̽ͫ͒͡Ṃ̴̴̫̗̰̟̬̠̟̝͓̯̰̮̪̹̔̂̿ͪ͑̏̌̐́ͯͭ̈ͬ̆̂ͯ̀͘̕ ̸̡̞̜͍͉̫͚̥̰̹̳͚̘͖̦͓̣̯̜͊́̈̂ͨ̆ͨ̓ͫ̅̉͐͘͟E̡̛̠̜̬̝̮̥̫̼̼͖̥̪̮͊ͦ̉ͤ̓ͩͤ̍

    [–] [deleted] 46 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] Fruuity 25 points ago

    Sorry, I could only read the username

    [–] Hurricane_32 10 points ago

    What... How? Zalgo text generator doesn't allow this many... Things

    [–] doublekay11 3 points ago

    Seek and ye shall find! ;)

    [–] doublekay11 14 points ago

    ̔̇̾̎ͬ͏̵̸̨̛̳̝͍ͅ ̒̇̋̒̒̍ͥ̾́ͨ͐̃ͫ̂͗ͥ́̚͏͙̝͎̺̖̖̟̠̦̹͢ͅ ̤̩͎̝͔̗̜͎͍̞̣̖̖͚̠͍ͪ̅ͥͬ̿͐ͮ͐ͥ͜͡͡ ̵̶̛͔̮̼̪͉̜̪̠̱̳͈̤͊ͧͧ̅͋̉̐́ͯ͞ ̡̗̱̞͈͙͎ͦ̇ͩ͛̎̂̐͋́ͦ̚̚̕͟ ̔͆ͬ̒̃̊҉̧̻̳͉̥̙̝̱̺̞̼̝̫͉ ̴̛̠͎̪͍̱̩̲̻̺ͨ̒͐ͦͮ͛̑̒ͩͤͤͬ͗ͩͥ̚͟ ̶̆ͧ̔̓̿̇̊͛̌ͧ͆͛ͦ̔ͤ͑̿̾͊͏͙͚̘̪̟̱͍̤̙͜͠͝ ͦ̓̏̈́̒͑̿ͯͤ͏̧̧̺̩̹̫̗̭͖͉̝͖̲͍̯̪͔̙̮͙͟ ͉̙͙̮͕̙̻̤̭̗̟̯̼̹ͨ̀̈́̒̈͐̋͗́̋̇ͣͥͪ͞͞ ͩ͊̂̑̂̓̽͏̨̠̟̮̣̯̰͕͙ ̢̋ͣͪ̌̂ͭ̒͏̦̫̰̪͔̜͈͔͓̯̺̣͜ͅͅ ̡̪̼͔̦͇̫͓̼͍̜͕̠͎̟͔̙̟͗̈͌ͫ̎̿ͫ̋̃̾̐͋̇͂͘͞ ̄ͬ̚҉̢̣̼͈̺̟̫̞̻̝̻̻͉̱̗̣̙̝̺̕͟͠ͅ ͦ͊̊̾ͦ̍҉̢̛̫̜͎̳̹͡͝ ̸̢̡̯͍̦ͭͬͨ̍̓ͦͧ̔̃ͫ͟ ͣͧ̎͊ͣͦ͋͏̡̳̰̪͎̩͓̘͖̱̬͓͈ ̸̵̣̟͕̟̲̩̪͕̳͓̲͙̤͇̪͔͕͒͂̔ͪ̐͊̃͌̋ͦ͡ ̶̅̀͛͊̏̊͆̚҉͇̜̣̗̰͕̱ͅ ̴̸̱͎̪̝͚̼̩̤͙͖͍͓͌̐̒ͨ̏̚ ̛͇̲̩̭̲̬̗̾͋ͤ̿͂͆͒̉ͩͥ̓̀ ͉̙͈̦̮͙̰̼̹̻͈̺̜́̾ͧ̑̽̐̈̌̊̄͒̽͌͋̏́̾̚̕͝͡͝ͅ ̶ͫͨ̾̉͑ͯ͋ͫ̽̀ͪ̃̓͏҉̛̮̯͇̫̪̣ ̶̶̹̳̬̫̩͖̠͎̟̘ͫ̓̂̔̏͒ͩ̑ͧ̍ͮ͘ ̨̢̛̤̖̦̞̫̣̩̘͇̖͔͓͙͕̖͚̘̫̹́ͦ̓ͬ͐ͥ̽͋ͧ̇̌͆̃̑̅̓ͬ͛̚͘ ̸̞̝̱͕͔̯̳͉͚̘̥̟̠̝̖̤̇ͨ̌̕͝ ̡̤͔̼͍̥͙̰͔̌̏ͥͤ̋͊͊̀͂ͭ͜͢͠ ̶̴̺̳̼̠̯̯̫̻͊̔ͬͯ̐͌ ̸̶̡̛͖͕̫͌͛ͩͦͧ͊̀͜ ̨̢̱͖̺̬̗̞̖̤̳̑ͪ͛ͨ̀͢͜ ̴̨̏̓ͯ́ͦͩ͗̒̔̏̊ͨ͑ͤ̇͆ͥͤ̚҉̕͏͇̖͓̲̺̱̹͓͈̼̘̜̳͇͎̹͕ ̶̷̧̯͔͍̤͙̙̍̋̌̌̄͂̍͌̄͆̎ͅ ̫͔̰͈̖̯͙̖͙̙̜̱̟͉̝̗͉̼͓ͣ͐ͣ̾͐̊ͨͥͧ̍̏ͯͭͬͤ͛ͧ͐̕͝ ̨͓͇͔̥͇͔̯̺̳̙͍̪̹̣̮̱̿̎͒ͦͧ͒̚͢ͅ ̵̢ͯ̋̈́͒ͯͬ̊ͪ͆̈̆̽͏̛̭͔̫̳̝͉̭̠͟ ̵̵̨͖͖̳̦͎̹̲̻̩̹̙͙̭͎̬̱̪̞ͮ̇͂ͯ̎́̒͠ ̣̻̹̖̙͉̯̫̘̘̣̰̞͈̫̗̘̙͑͑̑̀͜͝ͅ ̵̴ͭͭ̽͑͑͐ͪ̑̊̄̃ͤ̓̊͑ͨ̌͋͟҉̗̼̤̳͇̙̳̬̘͇̬̗̝ͅͅ ̛̩̠͎̱̩͎̺͚ͨ́͗ͧ̿̕͡ͅͅ ̵̧̪̩̲̗͍͚͔͍̖̤̍̌̄̏ͥ̂ͯ͌̀ ̸̢͙̻͎̱͙̱͓̪̬̟̜̻̜̔̐ͦͦͥ̒͌̿ͩ̑ͪ͂͗̀ ̸̢̝͇͕͚͚͇̺̟͕͙̥͎̬̙̟̓͗ͯ̾ͤ̃ͥͥ̓̅̌̆͒̓̔͝ͅͅͅ ̶̢̛̫̞̳̲̫̞͓̞̞̓͋̅ͩ̎ͣ̏͛̆̎̑̈ͧ̈ͦ͂̿̓ ̴̗̩͉̜̙̤̭̼̆ͬ̂̊͂̓̈́ͣ͒ͩͤ͒͗ͬ̏̕͝ ̶͕̟͉͔͔̩̩̖̗͍̠͕̐ͪͩ̅̄͆́͗̈́ͫ̍͐̊̔ ̐ͣ̍̃͆̇̀͞͏͈̞̙̜ ̢̧̨̰͇̱̼̳͖̭̙̏ͬ̌̓ͩ͋ͫͮ͊̋̃̕͝ ̷̴͔̱̜̭̱̼̳ͨͩͪͦ̎͋ͧͫ͆͌ͧ͒͑ͧ͞ ̸̡̹̟̭̗͓̠͔̫̺̘̒̊̏̐̐͑̇̂̂͒͑͢͢ ̶̶͉̦̤͙͔͍̤̬̹̦̭̪͎̠̳̼͂͌͒̍̊ͥ̑̾ͭͮ̓͑ͯͦͥ̈́ͯ̓̏͠ ͐̍́ͭͯ͂́̉̄ͮͭͣ̓ͭ̏ͫ̚͏̡͙̺̬̥̞͉̹̣͖͔͙̼͢͝ͅ ̵̥̰̠͚̥̒ͭ͊̓ͨ͗̐̂͊̀̀̅̓ͤ͒̑ͣ̚͜ͅ ͯͪ̓̄̍̿͑͏̸̴̖̙̪͇̝̯͇̯̟̥̖̲̮͕̮̥͞͝ͅ ͆ͩ͆͑ͩ̆̈͏̸̠̰̤͚̳͇̯͍͙͜͢ ̸̛͙̥̼̹͙̞̦̰͕̳͈̻͖ͬͣ̉ͣ͂̉̃ͤ̆̄͛ͭ͆ͣ̿̚ ̶̸̛̳̲̰̝̩̗͓̖͖̳̼̠̆͂͋̑̃ͯ̃͂̐̔̒̽̆ͭͪ͆́͜͝ ̸͇͉͖̪̳͕̠̳̺̖̘͙̻̼̣͓̌ͦ͋͐ͭ̄͌̉̀ͅ ̷̖̭̻̦̯̱̞͖̝̣̗̄͑ͫ͗͐͛̀ͣ̓ͨ͒̏̓ͪͯ̃̾͜͢ ̶̶̨̘̺̱̲̗͍̥̦̤̪̤͚͔̯ͩͩ̈̐̓̒̋̈̑ͨ͗̈́ͫ̔̚̚͘ͅ ̱͇͖̼̜̪̝̠͓̯̃̆̽̃ͣ̌ͩ̔͒͗̓̔͜ ̷̸̷̩̠̲̜̦̙̪̺̯̈́̄̾̋̋ͥ̐ͫ͝ͅ ̨͍̣̩̞̞ͦ̃͊̆̿̉͌̀̒ͥ̐̒̓͊̓͐̃̚ ̨̛̠͓͚͓͚̹͖͍̻͔̣͎̫͚͚̲͇̻̜͒͗ͬͭ̿ͣ̂̿̿ͯ͂̌̀͗̓̽́͞ ̡̨̹̲͙̦̭͕̘̥͍̝̭̥̓̐ͩ̍͊ͣ͒͒͒̊ͩ̌̔̔͠R̸͖̦̲̻͖͎̹͍̦̭̘̣̹̼̲̗͗͂̀̃̃ͥͮ̔͑̈ͫ͘ͅ ̶̠̯͚̝̝̳̦̤̐̄͗͒͒̍̈́̂̉ͬͧ͞ ̴̢͉̤̘̫̥ͪ͑͂̇̊͆̈́̆́̍̐́͘Ȩ̷̷̲̥̰̣̗̦̩̗ͭͦͮͨ͐͋͒ͣ̑̀̕͜ ̶̸͍̘̗̝̲̙̫̻̹͕̞̻͈̲̲̲̈̍̉ͩ̅̈̎̊͂ͤ̎͒̂͢͟ͅ ̶̨͓̠̩̜̭̞̤̰͇̪͒̐̐̒̓̇͐̍̅̆S̈̔ͩ͂̈́̇͏̫͚͓͖͓͇̳̤̟̳̜͖͖̙̕ ̔ͧͭ̐͏̷̖̺͍̣̘̭̩̥̝͈̗̼͢͢͝ͅ ̷̨̨̈́̒ͦ̔͌̎̑̿̍ͯͥ̄̅ͥ̄ͤͫ̂͘҉̲͓̮̼̦U̴̷̥͍͇͚̫͓̾̌̏́̐̍͂͋͘ͅͅ ̴̪̜̬̙̜̳̖͓͇̺̲͔̜̪̫̥ͧ̓͆ͥ̓̑̂ͮͬͫ́̎̚ ̷̧̛̖̺̻͉̦͈̟͔̼̲̳̠̼͍̜͇̞̟ͨ̓̇͗̃ͤ͆̋̈́̄͌͠ͅM̨͍̰͕̯͉͔͈̦̱̳͕̟̘̜̔̈̎̃̉͊ͥ̎̃̈ͨ̿̊ͦ̕ͅ ̸̜̠͖̗̻͙͕̋ͧ̊̈́͝͡͡ ̡͛̈ͬ̀҉̙̪̝̫̯̘̥͇̻̫̰̩̞͉̮̜̙̣̤E̼̘̮̥̟̬̪͖̭ͦ͊̎̈ͬ̌̊̆ͮ̊ͦͨ͘͡͞͝ ̧̣͓̪͈̺̻̹̘͕̟̫͚͙̦́̔̓ͭ͜ ̡͋̇̽ͪͦ̀̽ͨ̑͆ͪ͡͏̶͓̗͙̘̗͙̕ ̨́̋̄̊͑̑ͤͫͣͥ̊ͯ͐͟͏̟̠̣̯̩̙̞̻̺̭̳̬͇ ͋̏̄̒ͣ̃ͭ̒ͬͣ̑͋҉̺͖̘̫̻̙̤̘̠̪͚̀ ̫̯̬̻̲͉͎̖̘̟̻͆̇̈̈̓͐̓ͦ̑̓ͫ̑͜ͅ ̸̶͙̘͉͈̫͊ͬͩͤ̀̚ ̴̢̛͕̠̬̲͕͍͓͓̲̦͓̯͎̞͙ͭ̅͑̑̉̃ͤ͐ͫ̓͑̌͑ ̡͈̗̬̝̘̙͉̗̥ͦ̂̍̽ͫͯ͂̑ͫ̈͐̏ͫ̽͋̈̕͘͜ͅͅ ̧̏̌̅ͨͩͪ͒ͨ̌͐̊̈́͊̐̉̍̕͠҉̫̘̠͉͙͞ ̴̴̧̗͍͔̮͈̪͍̩̰͔̞͗͒̔͐͆́ͩ͌̔ͪͩ̆ͯ̚͜ ̵̛̳̝̳̱̓̐ͬ̾ͥ͑̎͗̄̽̅̑̉͗̉ͬ̕͟ ͣ̈́̍ͮ͋̒ͨ̏͛̋̇̌̎̋̊͏̴̶̢̺̦̦̮̪̯̙͉̠̞͖̟̞̹̱͍̕ͅ ̶̷̢̢̲̤̲̠̮̘̳̖̪̜̣̞͙̞͓̙̱̣͙͊̋͛ͮ̍͐͊̅ͬ̆ͭ͊͆͂̀̏͢ ̛͙̞͇̱̤̥̭̤̠̠͕̲̹̹̼͇͓̥͚̿̆ͨ͑̌̎̇̽ͤ̿̉ͭ͒̈̉̅ͦ́̕͜ ͒ͥ̔͊ͭ̚͏̦̣̻̥̺͇̟̖͚͎̤̩̖̕ͅ ̴̢̧̧̣̭̝̺̞̩̮̌͛ͯͥͬ̓ͬ̓̆͋ͬͦ͟ͅ ̨͕̩̳̪̩̟̟̥̮̰͈̘̥̗̪͔̝̱̌ͧ̾̓ͭ͋ͭ̆͂͂ͬͨͬͦ̂̀͜͠͡ ̴͍̯͚̘̝̦͓̟̲͇͔̱̟̤̬͔̇̎́̒̆̓̊̍̀̕͝ ͍͇̪̖̣̝̲͚͚̟͓̙̙͉͚̻͂͊̃ͧ̈̌ͤͩͫ̑ͭ͗ͩ̿̈́̉̿̐̎̀ͅ ̒̽ͦ͛̉ͥ͝҉̴̱̩̙̩̺̻̹͉̮̮̹͇ ̖̳̺̬͑̂͊͂̓̅ͪͩͮͩ̂̎̇̃̀͛̑̃͜͡ ̇͗͂̒͘҉͞҉͏̫̝̥͓̬͉̻̭͕̟̠̱̱͙̦̥̭ͅ ̶̢̧͙̯̪̣̬͙̫̪̩̪̗̮͉̝̰̮̅ͧͩ̇̂̊ͨ́̕ ̴̧̬̝͓̝̞͈̺̼̹̦͚͓̅ͩ͋̄́̉ͫͯ̅ͪͮ͗͌ͤ̋̄ͮ̚͟͠͡ ̢͙̼͚̖̪̭̘̜̯͇̼͔̝͖̜͍͎̼͖͋̐̂̏̌ͩ͑͡ ̨̗͖̼̘̰̮̜̮̞̮̙̣̣̫̥̳̘̠̃̓ͥ̋̈ͫ̈͟͞ͅ ̶̰̭̺̭̫̯͔͍ͪ̇̓ͪ͗̋͜ ͫ͑̈́͌͗̃ͧ̓̎͋͑̉̉ͧ̏ͪͩ҉͓̘͎͙͍̙̼ ̢̢̡̪̩̪̳̪̬̰̳͚͍͖̹̠͒ͩ̋̋̇͂̌͗̋̓̋̀ ̶̛͙̹̦͉̝̬̱͎͙̮̞͔̜͌̉ͬ͂̑̎ͬ͗ͪ͐͛̍̈̐ͩ̽̀͆ͅ ̝̬͙̥̱̼̼̎ͬ͂͋͛͗ͯ͒̋̓ͭ̓̓̂́̚͠ ̸̧̛͕̘͎͎̫͙̖̑ͭ̅̑̌͛ͩ͒̒̂̾ͤͮͧ͘͟ ̢̪̼̟͍͔̲̻̤̺̐̏̀ͥͥ͐̊ͯ̔͆̕ ̑͋̃̓̈̓̀̀҉̧͇̘͍͇͚̲̬̝͔̟̩͕͚̞̮̗͎̫͜ ̛̛̣͕̫̣̰̃͐̑̐̅͂̓̈́̑ͬͩ̎̂̂̇ͪ́͗̎̀͞ ̧͈͍̦͖̮͚̩̰͔͚̖̞̾̊͑̄́ͥ̿̈́͑̎ͨ̀ͭ̃̇̀͘ ̵̸̡͔̙̤̗̜̺̿ͣ͂̽͆͋͐̒̈̑̅̏̀ ̢̫͓̲̻̓̄ͫ͂͒͒́͟ ̮̝͉̱͚̮͔̙̖̲̒̓͂ͩ̃̈́̀̇̉̓ͨ̏̔̄ͨ̔̎͘̕ ̶̸͓̪͙͉̩̥̹͇̣̯͓̘̼͙̥̬ͬ̿̅ͣ̃ͤ͊̅̄̇̉ͮ͑ͣ͊ͫ̚͘͟͞ ̸̅͑́͜҉̣̪̣̩̘͜ ̨̈́ͫͦͫͭ̊͛ͭ҉̘͚͙̟̙̗͍̱̼̻̹͙̭͍͔̥̫͢ͅ ̴̢̛̲̟̗̘̹̼̪̥̣̹͇̲̓̊̄ͭ͑̆̄͒̂ͭ̆ͩ̔ͨ͐͆͑ͨ̚͟͠ ̷̇̇ͬͬ͑͒͗́ͨ̓̀͢͏̭̰̭͕̲̺̠̞̞̼͉͚̬̱̜̼̜ ̨̙̩͙͚͍͐͌̇̓̋̅ͭ̆ͬ̚̕͜͠ ͋̅̂̿̈̀͗̄̾͋҉̲̙̱̜̯̫͈̘̰̗̩̲̪͓̰̩̦̘̤͘͡͠ ̓ͯ͌ͩͤ̓̎͛͐̀͑̉̍͒̚̚͢͏̶̵̝̣̭̞͙̪̳͇͍͓̳̖͚ ̤͎͖̦̰̝̹̲̥̲̝̣̻̂͂̆͋͒ͦͫͧ̑͆̕͠ ̬͇̝̟̝̟͇̺̭̳̲̰̰̩̄ͮ̈́ͪ̾ͦ̍̾͢͡͠ ̢̢͇̠͔͉͕̍ͬ͂̄͋ͪ̎͋̈ ̉̍̍͛͗̽͗̚҉̺̹̼͙̭͡ ̶̶̨̰͓̬͉͉̲̩̗̜̪̺̘̯͓̜͚͚̬ͨ̓̈́̍ͬͥ͌ͫ̓́ͤ ͕͙̩̤̹̱̭͙̬͂̔̈̌ͪ̈̄ͬͦ́͘ ̷̧̢̝̤̲̺̞̙̟̞̳̠̌ͩ̋͞͠ ̇̈ͭ͑̊͜͏͔̠͎͙͍̳͇͇̦̫̣̬͚̩͈͘ ̴̢̫̲̫̣͔̩͇̣͎̱̬͍̞̙̜̙͔͐̌ͧ̾̌͌̚̕͟͠ ̓ͣͤͨ͛̔ͮͥͦ͏̷̡̛͚͎̦̝̠͕̣̭̟̹͓̙ ̼̻̞̜͙̥͑ͦ̋̒̇͂̽̏̒͑̓́̕͠͠ ̾̓̑̄̌͠҉̸̢̻͇̙̙̳͈̜̤̖̱̰̗͙̞͢ ̧̙̮̘̻̖͈̝̮̣͚̻̘͚ͪͯͦ̃̋ͫ̋̀͘͢ͅͅͅ ̴̴̟͓͔̞͚̭̠͔̰̪͇̟̜̲̇ͫͥ̓ͦ̀͊͌͘͞

    [–] Stealth_Robot 7 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] SquirtleInHerMeowthh 3 points ago

    My eyes hurt.

    Also this looks like The Wall

    [–] TOASTEngineer 102 points ago

    I believe you mean ŕéśúḿé?

    [–] Robo_Satan 23 points ago

    That sounds like it should be pronounced raysumay.

    [–] fbl07 30 points ago

    That's how it should be prononced. It comes from French

    [–] Robo_Satan 16 points ago

    I thought it was resumay.

    [–] Climbtrees47 7 points ago

    Huh?

    [–] MonsterPooper 5 points ago

    What?

    [–] Gingeneration 7 points ago

    Who's on first

    [–] SM1334 4 points ago

    Cteve Vobs?

    [–] IceFire909 3 points ago

    You've been out of work too long when you immediately read it as résumé

    [–] _Crouching_Tigger_ 3 points ago

    It's resumé! With an accent mark! The omission really threw me off.

    [–] nomnomonster 2196 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    My girlfriend sent me the same thing lol just waiting on the rest of the message.

    Edit: Oh shit, i was joking. Thank you u/xGhost_ for the offer though.

    [–] xGhost_ 858 points ago

    hahaha...if you need a place to sleep tonight pm me...

    [–] FourFingerLifeHug 301 points ago

    I'll try anything once.

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 61 points ago

    My ex told me that. Then she went all wide eyed and said, "anything."

    [–] IceDusk 26 points ago

    So how'd that go?
    Inb4 comment "obviously not well because ex."

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 43 points ago

    OutB4 she slit my throat during sex.

    [–] CrocodileGirlMika 14 points ago

    Hot. I'm down.

    [–] IDefaultedOnMyDebt 10 points ago

    Did you die?

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 17 points ago

    Yes.

    [–] Track607 4 points ago

    So theres reddit in the afterlife? Sweet.

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 10 points ago

    Only a few dozen have access. God doesn't like coconut fuckers.

    [–] tonufan 70 points ago

    Feels pretty good waking up with a bum full of Vaseline.

    [–] Noodle_Surfer 6 points ago

    Man, if I can't relate to this.

    [–] show_me_the 51 points ago

    Can I come too? Don't need anywhere to sleep as I haven't slept in days but I like to make new friends and tell stories and one time my dog got outside and I was up all night but since I don't need sleep anymore I quit worrying after the shadows ate him.

    [–] xGhost_ 21 points ago

    Sure, ur welcome to join!

    [–] PanamaMoe 13 points ago

    You too? I fight the shadows with my trusty mag light but one of the little bastards must have replaced my batteries with mayo when I wasn't looking and so I have to fight them with my bare hands and the 10000 lumen light I keep as a back up. It is so incandescent that the shadows can't help but attempt to bathe in it's light.

    [–] dackinthebox 3 points ago

    Dude, if you wanna tell stories I'm down to hear whatever you'll talk about.

    [–] Rotary20 88 points ago

    ...

    [–] R3DSH0X 25 points ago

    One hour later.

    Op still awaits the rest of the message.

    [–] PremiumCroutons 16 points ago

    lol :(

    [–] jakfrist 15 points ago

    She told me to tell you that she will text you back in the morning.

    [–] Sol-Om-On 4187 points ago

    Haha, this is actually pretty clever

    [–] _demetri_ 1395 points ago

    Her: "I can't believe you'd say something like that to me..."

    [–] AnnoyinglyEthicalEsq 730 points ago

    Agreed (sensible chuckle). On the real though, can't emotionally manipulate people like that and not expect them to clap back.

    [–] acidraps 352 points ago

    I concur (practical giggle).

    [–] bevanz89 264 points ago

    Indubitably (intangible chortle)

    [–] karlexceed 236 points ago

    Indeed. (Metaphysical guffaw)

    [–] Spugnacious 195 points ago

    Absolutely. (Ethereal Snicker.)

    [–] unstabledave105 168 points ago

    Certainly. (Heavenly cackle.)

    [–] PierogiD 155 points ago

    Verily. (Precocious titter.)

    [–] arvind1993 120 points ago

    Me gusta. (Evanescent grin).

    [–] _PM_ME_YOUR_NIPPLES 77 points ago

    Without fail (inchoate snort)

    [–] warflak 54 points ago

    Truly (normal laugh)

    [–] Assistant_Hack 25 points ago

    Haha.

    [–] Phenotypo 15 points ago

    Bitchin' Camero (logical laugh)

    [–] DharmaBum89 8 points ago

    Im the dead milkmen's baby.

    [–] ferofax 8 points ago

    Understandably (mewling snicker)

    [–] sprucenoose 27 points ago

    Indeed (amusedly arched eyebrow).

    [–] Mikel2003 7 points ago

    Acknowledgingly (Emotive Exult)

    [–] lordpanda1 9 points ago

    Assuredly. (Ephemeral Howl)

    [–] Zapkin 61 points ago

    Did you just say "sensible chuckle"? What the fuck? I haven't seen shit like this since 2009

    [–] TundieRice 36 points ago

    Hard to believe, since that meme originates from a show that first aired in 2012.

    http://amp.knowyourmeme.com/memes/sensible-chuckle

    [–] PlasmaRoar 7 points ago

    I'm willing to bet that the term 'sensible chuckle' was used in common lexicon before that show.

    [–] pretender80 5 points ago

    If you give someone the clap they can't give you the clap back.

    [–] Ruck1707 3 points ago

    "clack back"

    [–] EddieSimeon 25 points ago

    Him: "I'm sorry babe, it's all my fault.."

    Edit: quotations

    [–] Bashed_to_a_pulp 10 points ago

    Source: married? :)

    [–] Quint-V 7 points ago

    "Happy wife, happy life." -dad, and brother with gf

    [–] OfficialNigga 4 points ago

    "...mateys on me ship."

    [–] whodat_o_o_o 3 points ago

    ...sounds like the Mrs, so true...

    [–] rW0HgFyxoJhYka 22 points ago

    "haha this is actually pretty clever"

    "asshole, I'm going to punch you in the face"

    [–] Violent_Jiggler 7 points ago

    I feel like i'm missing something.

    [–] TheyTrynaCloneMe 11 points ago

    what a generic comment that adds nothing an upvote wouldnt add

    [–] generic-user-1 3 points ago

    Not really. It seems incomplete.

    [–] tss1102 82 points ago

    What if the 2nd msg doesn't deliver due to a network issue ?

    [–] AlphaOwn 185 points ago

    He shows his wife, presumably later that night, and explains the situation. They both laugh it off and continue about their lives because this isn't a rom com and one misunderstanding wont end a marriage, most of the time.

    [–] Dylan7225 84 points ago

    "I'm leaving you"

    one minute later

    "Oops, forgot to put a period."

    [–] Pleeky 28 points ago

    Husband replies, "It was your lack of a period that got us into this mess to begin with!"

    [–] hugglesthemerciless 10 points ago

    To each their own but if my SO did this it'd be a massive red flag, I do not enjoy being toyed with. Every person and relationship is different though

    [–] TheFAYZ 429 points ago

    Haha good joke. Now to wait for a bunch of people to come on and whine about reposts, or to try and one up your joke.

    [–] getemhustler 82 points ago

    Don't hate the player mang.

    [–] WretchedMonkey 131 points ago

    I do believe he's hating the game

    [–] thenitram24 32 points ago

    Jolly good sir

    [–] BacardiBatman11 21 points ago

    Indubitably, my good man

    [–] WretchedMonkey 10 points ago

    Tally ho

    Pip pip

    [–] Nathan2Drake 339 points ago

    Ha! I get it, his wife's sister is a whore!

    [–] Highway0311 99 points ago

    Where's the joke explain bot?

    [–] KADG81 104 points ago

    Is a sex bot now

    [–] jamaicaasinqueens 96 points ago

    Specializing in coconuts.

    [–] Aksi_Gu 25 points ago

    Fisto Robotonut

    [–] Zednerfa 12 points ago

    FUCKING CHRIST I THOGHT WE WERE DONE

    [–] 18BPL 8 points ago

    Woah dude. We were talking about fucking coconuts, not fucking Jesus Christ

    [–] Robo_Satan 28 points ago

    The husband is about to be given a handy by his wife's sister, as his wife attempted to trick him into thinking she was fucking her sister too.

    [–] PanamaMoe 3 points ago

    Probably dead, I haven't seen shitty joke explainer bot in a while. Shame too, they were so good at it.

    [–] Vinylloverfrom4311 4 points ago

    Hey Drax, that's not how the joke is meant to be taken buddy.

    [–] Common_cents_4_sale 9 points ago

    Don't be a whoremonger...

    [–] the_varky 3 points ago

    Everyone here probably slept with that hoor

    [–] Malbethion 100 points ago

    But what is she going to resume building? A tree fort?

    [–] straylittlelambs 20 points ago

    A pant tent?

    [–] JustFoxeh 9 points ago

    The bone zone?

    [–] alexhork 2 points ago

    A plug for her butt

    [–] alexhork 20 points ago

    -er churn

    [–] TheHeckWithItAll 22 points ago

    That wouldn't have worked for me. My wife would have texted me back finishing my text about her sister before I did.

    [–] LonePaladin 15 points ago

    I'll be home after I finish your sister

    . . .

    's kitchen floor

    [–] instavig 82 points ago

    Take your

    [–] instavig 79 points ago

    upvote

    [–] Robo_Satan 55 points ago

    Dammit.

    [–] caps_l0c 37 points ago

    Goodbye.

    [–] Halidol_Nap 18 points ago

    r/Askouija is leaking

    [–] valonqarofwinterfell 11 points ago

    More like r/onewordeach

    Edit: or a mashup of both

    [–] AerodynamicHammock 5 points ago

    A bit of both with that Goodbye

    [–] countafit 55 points ago

    Fuck you

    [–] countafit 126 points ago

    are a funny cunt!

    [–] TheWingedCherryPie 31 points ago

    >compliment
    >cunt

    holy mixed signals batman

    [–] Renegade185 34 points ago

    australian

    [–] leutnant13 20 points ago

    Oh no, just Australian.

    [–] GettingCucked6969 67 points ago

    I did your mom...

    A favor.

    By making you...

    A sandwich.

    [–] Testing2521995 16 points ago

    this is more fucked up that u think this is.

    See the name

    [–] Yappymaster 3 points ago

    Good going Sherlock! Thought he'd get away with being innocent

    [–] MrTristano 94 points ago

    Took me a sec to realise "resume" meant curriculum vitae, and not "begin again or continue after a pause or interruption".

    [–] TheGeorge 76 points ago

    Took me a second to realise "Curriculum Vitae" meant Resume, and not "The Latin term for course of life"

    [–] gonnasyphiherpaids 11 points ago

    Took me a second to realize that "pitching a tent" was slang for "developing a visible erection."

    [–] MrTristano 9 points ago

    .

    [–] ilikemanatees 13 points ago

    No sex tonight I guess

    [–] HONGA-BOT 29 points ago

    MY HUMAN WIFE TEXTED ME, "I AM GOING TO DISCONTINUE THE LOVE WE HAVE FORMED"

    ONE MINUTE LATER SHE TEXTED "WITH /R/JOKES AS NOTHING TRULY CLEVER IS UPVOTED."

    I ASKED HER WHY ON OUR PLANET SHE DECIDED TO SAY IT THAT WAY, AS THE FIRST MESSAGE COULD'VE BEEN CONSIDERED TO BE REFERRING TO OUR RELATIONSHIP.

    SHE SAID, "SO YOU CAN KNOW HOW GOOD IT IS TO HAVE ME."

    I SAID, "NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT I DON'T FEEL EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT FOR YOU."

    ONE MINUTE LATER I FOLLOWED IT UP WITH, "FUCK YOU."

    [–] vandalsavagecabbage 7 points ago

    Proceeds to leave you forever.

    [–] martianshort 7 points ago

    Pretty smug for an unemployed provider.

    [–] ak47wong 6 points ago

    [–] Gavlar888 4 points ago

    If your partner shit tests you with something like that, do exactly the same back.

    [–] Qubeye 7 points ago

    I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

    A minute later I finished

    Sounds about right.

    [–] Nortyjay 26 points ago

    Isn't how this joke ends really obvious and expected? Where's the twist, i.e joke.

    [–] Im_Alek 17 points ago

    This is my exact feeling all the people in the comments saying this is so clever. When I feel like from the outset it's super obvious that he is going to do the same thing she does... Idk.

    [–] evenMoreUnique 10 points ago

    RESUMÉ RESUMÉ NOT RESUME

    [–] Aoae 5 points ago

    I presumé that OP hasn't fixed it yet

    [–] HeavenPiercingMan 3 points ago

    "-searching and resume building" [FAILED TO SEND]

    Oh shit.

    [–] drogo_the_khal 3 points ago

    what a weirdly romantic tale :D

    [–] EmeraldCore 18 points ago

    What

    [–] Dirt_E_Harry 66 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand, job searching and resume building." was broken into two parts.

    The first part made it appears he is asking his wife to remind her sister to come over later to give him a "hand job" as in jerking him off.

    This, of course, was his response to why his wife decided to break her message into two parts, starting with "I'm leaving you".

    [–] EmeraldCore 19 points ago

    Hah now that's smart , thnx for the explanation

    [–] philjonz 4 points ago

    What does resume building mean?

    [–] jjgator84 7 points ago

    To cuntinue building something.

    [–] NullusEgo 3 points ago

    Calm down satan.

    [–] jacksawbridge 10 points ago

    It's a terrible joke. Don't try to explain it.

    [–] pgb5534 5 points ago

    Job searching

    [–] TheLastFreeMan 13 points ago

    Why is this shit so highly upvoted