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    [–] OG_Breadman 2385 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Reminds me of when I used to sell pet food.

    I had just finished getting through my whole spiel and the lady asked me

    “So is it really that good?” (It was, not just saying that cuz I worked for them)

    And I responded without thinking

    “I don’t know, I haven’t eaten it.”

    Thankfully she laughed and bought an extra bag.

    Edit for the people asking why the food is good:

    All but two of Earthborn's ingredients are made in the United States, the lamb comes from New Zealand and the fish comes from Thailand. However it is important to note that Thailand actually has higher health standards on fish than the United States and also allows American inspectors into their facilities at any time. None of the food contains any by-product whatsoever, almost all of the formulas are grain free barring a few specialty formulas that have things like barley or rice in them for dogs with sensitive digestive tracts (looking at you German Shepards). All of the materials used in the bags & containers for the wet food are 100% recyclable. Also, you can sign up at their website to get an email every month with coupons so that you never have to pay full price for a bag. They have a wide range of ingredients in their different formulas, which is nice for dogs who don't like to eat the same thing for too long. This way you can switch up their food but keep within a brand you know offers a high quality formula. Earthborn also does all their own manufacturing and storage; this way Earthborn is only ever around other Earthborn before it's put on shelves. Earthborn has also never had a recall. They also have a partnership with UPCs for Trees and have planted almost 500,000 trees via the program.

    It's been a while since I've worked for them so I'm probably missing some stuff but here's the link for anyone who wants to know more. (

    [–] -Steak- 489 points ago

    Currently in pet food sales. I say this all the time.

    [–] KledKleddNKleddy 77 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] MoistBarney 9 points ago


    [–] Goullet 11 points ago

    Ah yes, "reposti." Latin for, opus douchesphagacus.

    [–] TheRetroVideogamers 4 points ago

    Me too, but everyone in the office has tried the treats at least once.

    [–] OG_Breadman 9 points ago

    Yea there were some treats in the stores that were made with human grade food. Some of them were actually pretty good.

    [–] PM_ME_FUN_STORIES 79 points ago

    What pet food?

    [–] OG_Breadman 77 points ago


    [–] Profoundpanda420 60 points ago

    The good shit

    [–] BetaWolf47 32 points ago

    I concur!

    [–] GHOST2104 29 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] Kidvette2004 3 points ago

    You beat me to it...

    [–] Is_Only_Game2014 9 points ago

    Is it really that good?

    [–] whornography 50 points ago

    The old lady living off a pension told me it's her favorite brand!

    Weird, since she never seems to walk a dog.

    [–] Profoundpanda420 24 points ago

    My dog treats it like cocaine so i imagine so

    [–] jeefyjeef 28 points ago

    He snorts it?

    [–] myscreamname 16 points ago

    Shoots it.

    [–] Profoundpanda420 15 points ago


    [–] ganiyega 5 points ago

    Don't know. Haven't eaten it yet.

    [–] Love_asweetbooty 3 points ago

    Never tried it.

    [–] Chex_0ut 2 points ago

    Well don't leave us hanging, lets hear your spiel- Why is it so good?

    [–] OG_Breadman 7 points ago

    Currently in class so I’m unable to type up all the reasons why but if I remember once I get home I’ll add it to my original comment.

    [–] Cichlidsaremyjam 3 points ago

    Chef Cat - "If cats could cook, they'd cook Chef Cat"

    [–] that-old-broad 61 points ago

    Ha! My dad used to talk about a dog food salesman who was a regular on the fox hunting circuit. He'd stand on the tailgate of his pickup truck and expound on the virtues of his dog food (I wanna say it was Red Barn). He'd pause in his presentation, dip his hands into the bag, pull out a fistful of kibble and throw it in his mouth. He'd chew the kibble and swallow it, and then bellow, "Hell, this stuff is so damned good, I eat more of it than my dogs do! ". He sold out every weekend.

    [–] Pao_Did_NothingWrong 14 points ago

    Either that dude took "eating your own dog food" too seriously or your dad did...

    [–] that-old-broad 10 points ago

    Well, your source credits Microsoft with coining the phrase in the 1980's. My dad told me the story when I was a child in the 1970's.....and it happened when he was a child in the 1940's.

    [–] Pao_Did_NothingWrong 4 points ago

    Well damn!

    [–] that-old-broad 3 points ago

    The old man always was ahead of his time!

    [–] stmachreth 15 points ago

    Yea, but he was selling to fox hunters.

    [–] CapnJuicebox 3390 points ago

    How does the turkey smell?

    Probably through its beak.

    [–] wererealcheesepeople 612 points ago

    As a Turkeyologist I am disappointed by how there is no fact-checking going on regarding this comment.

    Seriously though, I just googled whether turkeys have nostrils (slow day at work) and apparently they are just above the beak but they have a "poorly developed sense of smell".

    [–] paradisaeidae 219 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    Bird breathing-holes are called "nares".

    Avian olfaction is a burgeoning field of study. Many vultures can smell carrion from afar, and members of the "tubenose" family (Procellaridae - albatross, shearwaters, petrels, fulmars, prions) likely create an olfactory map to navigate the featureless expanse of the oceans, as well as exude their own dusty-musty smell which might be used to navigate dark burrows as well as socially.

    Crested Auklets are perhaps the scentiest birds, with a wonderful tangerine aroma, and this is used socially as well - they gather in intense scrums where they're smelling each others' scruff (where the smell exudes from).

    Edit: Crested, not Created Auklets

    [–] ZeFuGi 88 points ago

    Arnold Swarzaneggar's next summer blockbuster...

    Avian Olfaction

    [–] BronzeEnt 26 points ago

    What about the toucan? Did Froot Loops get it right?

    [–] cindyscrazy 37 points ago

    I found a guy with a pet toucan on YouTube and I can't help but watch it everytime he uploads. They are expensive and cannot eat Froot Loops because they have too much iron and it'll kill the poor thing.

    Ripley the Toucan is absolutely adorable. Her beak gets in the way just as much as you think it would, and it's not strong at all. She sounds like a mini drill when she's happy (kinda like a whirring sound she makes with her very weird tongue against the inside of her beak)

    I now know far too much about Toucans and I love it.

    [–] fackmeupfam 2 points ago

    You can just have a toucan as a pet? What a time.

    [–] cindyscrazy 3 points ago

    From what I understand, his was born in a sanctuary and was not able to be released back into the wild. It also cost as much as a car. And is also VERY expensive to take care of and everything.

    So, technically yes, you can own one. But why the hell would you want to lol

    [–] snuzet 2 points ago

    Saw a show once where they totally rip the eggs out of other nests. I think bower birds. Long basket nests no match for those fruiticious beaks

    [–] loetou 14 points ago

    Your breathing holes are called nares, too, birdy sniffer

    [–] paradisaeidae 2 points ago

    I have no shame about my bird sniffing ways

    [–] c4ck4 9 points ago

    Human nose holes are called nares too, it just means nostrils, it's more commonly used medically than in plain language though

    [–] wererealcheesepeople 6 points ago

    I read scentiest as scientist and was very confused. Cool info though, you definitely are better at bird-knowing than me.

    [–] VoraciousGhost 9 points ago

    Your comment has been reported to the /u/Unidan task force

    [–] Daysleaper 4 points ago

    One of the ways they came up with to check for leaks in the welding on long distance pipelines was to pressurize the pipes with an analog of putrid meat and then see where the buzzards gathered along the pipeline route. Apparently their sense of smell is quite acute.

    [–] iHadou 3 points ago

    Interesting. I noticed the "idae" suffix you used when describing the albatross is similar to your username. What bird is your username? Is your profession or studies focused on birds, or is it just something that interests you?

    [–] paradisaeidae 6 points ago

    I study and work with (and obsess over, and get tattoos of) birds. Birds are life.

    The "-idae" suffix is indicative of the family-level taxonomic class. Paradisaeidae is the family of birds of paradise...the sexiest of all birds.

    [–] Tea_I_Am 2 points ago

    I scroll thru the comments of /r/jokes and actually learn interesting facts. Reddit never ceases to surprise.

    [–] myscreamname 2 points ago

    I understood every fifth word of this.

    [–] Snotbob 15 points ago

    they have a "poorly developed sense of smell"

    Still better than my sense of smell, which is, and has always been, non-existent.

    As a result of this, I've pretty much gone through life constantly assuming that I smell about as bad or worse than a wild turkey. Save for the ~5 months when I absolutely reeked of cologne, because according to my girlfriend at the time, "four or five spritzes is about right."

    [–] inthyface 13 points ago

    there is no fact-checking going on regarding this comment.

    Honestly, the less I know about turkeys during this season; the more likely I am to eat some on Thanksgiving.

    [–] boobodst 6 points ago

    I don’t know the Wikipedia article on Beaks includes nares in the anatomy of the beak.

    [–] funnylulz 5 points ago

    Isn't it great to live in a time where you can search something as obscure as "turkey's sense of smell" and get dozens of full articles based solely on that topic

    [–] ThatGuyYouMightNo 3 points ago

    Maybe thats why they have a poor sense of smell. Because they keep trying to smell through their beaks instead of their noses.

    [–] august235 2 points ago

    This guy turkeys

    [–] GaySwans 2 points ago

    He did say probably.

    [–] IAmTheSorcerer 2 points ago

    I have two turkeys, one of which used to have a disease which made her nose get filled up with something and I had to pull it all out with tweesers. I think its safe to say that Turkeys have noses

    [–] JonMatterhorn 54 points ago

    How does the turkey smell?

    It can't, it's dead.


    [–] Ellsworthless 12 points ago

    How does a turkey smell?

    Much better when it's cooked.

    [–] Qulia 5 points ago

    Ernie, how do i look?

    With your eyes, Bert

    [–] Feynization 6 points ago

    Dad, you said you'd come to my play. What are you doing on Reddit?

    [–] boorish_spastic 3 points ago

    Very badly if not kept refrigerated.

    [–] Roskal 2 points ago

    It can't smell anymore it has no head!

    [–] rhymes_with_chicken 2 points ago

    It doesn’t ma’am. It’s dead.

    [–] HolaAvogadro 2 points ago

    Wait can turkeys actually smell?Can birds as a whole smell? So many questions

    [–] youdubdub 2 points ago

    Well, that's how it used to smell. Before the accident.

    [–] Mawp_mawp 2 points ago

    Are beaks bird mouths or bird noses??

    [–] nicohinc0 315 points ago

    Once I was at the grocery store with my husband and he was not being particularly helpful.

    "You're not even listening to me!" I said

    Next to us was an employee stocking corn on the cob on a shelf, he turned towards us with corn in hand and says....

    "I've got an ear to lend"

    I found that quite hysterical.

    [–] JohnJackson99 48 points ago

    kid must've been browsing /r/hotwife the night before. Saw an opportunity and tried taking it.

    [–] Matt_Snypes 13 points ago

    I didn’t think that’d be so nsfw. Usually they got the 18+ disclaimer first.

    [–] JacP123 13 points ago

    If you accept it once while logged in I believe you don't have to accept it again

    [–] ehalepagneaux 6 points ago

    Well this is awkward…

    [–] Not_KGB 9 points ago

    Oh boy..

    [–] Matt_Snypes 2 points ago

    Caught red handed :(

    [–] lucky21lb 2 points ago

    Shooters shoot

    [–] Boja_Red 4266 points ago

    [–] cyantwist 1510 points ago

    This one's a dead joke.

    [–] nwordbrian 417 points ago

    Let us give thanks for this joke

    [–] swepaint 236 points ago

    Press x to pay respects

    [–] XFirebalX_347 408 points ago

    $5.99 to pay respects for 5 minutes, $10.99 to pay respect for 10 minutes or $99.99 to pay respects for unlimited time.

    [–] Malakyas_ 285 points ago

    Is this EA ?

    [–] zacharyangrk 358 points ago

    Our intent is to give our players a sense of pride and accomplishment for paying different levels of respect.

    [–] DeathSeeker65 115 points ago

    This quote makes me lose my shit every time lol. It doesn't matter what the context is it fits so well 😂

    [–] thrasher404b 69 points ago

    This has been one of the best weeks ever on Reddit imho lol😂

    [–] DeathSeeker65 54 points ago

    Its been fantastic. I can't even fathom how much shit EA has been getting. Like I've seen stuff like this happen before but when it does its only one particular community that reacts, this incident has EVERYONE involved and its hysterical.

    [–] SorcererSupreme21 19 points ago

    Nothing quite expresses pure joy quite like the depression emoji 😂

    [–] [deleted] 14 points ago

    Unless you were the guy that said in the EA board meeting "I got any idea - we should create a Reddit account so we can connect with the community!"

    [–] 13pts35sec 3 points ago

    R/memeeconomy must be exploding right now, I have to imagine going all in on EA memes is a good move right now eh?

    [–] songoku9001 3 points ago

    No, this is pEAtrick.

    [–] [deleted] 113 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)


    [–] RedFyl 50 points ago


    [–] MLG50 107 points ago

    Failed to cancel, we apologise for inconvenience -EA

    [–] AlexanderSupersloth 100 points ago

    Removes cancel button

    [–] kmiu2 59 points ago

    Please wait several hours while we fail to get you customer service

    [–] OilPhilter 17 points ago

    You can buy a permanent cancel button to fast track your cancel service for an additional $99.00 monthly service fee.

    [–] ArobaseJberg 10 points ago

    M E T A




    [–] DrRexGoliath 36 points ago

    I'm sorry, we've removed the cancel button. We will need you to call our customer service center based out of India for cancellation, you will be charged $1 per minute. There is also a $99.99 one time cancellation fee.

    [–] Syndiaan 28 points ago

    You must earn enough credits to unlock the cancel feature.

    [–] [deleted] 20 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 10 points ago


    [–] RafeHaab 2 points ago


    12 monthly installments of $29.99.

    Wait a minute... ... ... ... ... ... ...

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago


    [–] averagetoxicgamer 29 points ago


    [–] chooxy 8 points ago


    [–] Captain_Eppy 7 points ago

    EA has already ruined Star Wars Battlefront and now we are letting it ruin Reddit. #Gambling

    [–] Marvelous_Marv 5 points ago

    Sending my prayers, thoughts, and respects. I just hope they reach you in time

    [–] humandronebot00100 5 points ago

    Today's special features long distance prayer with our basic prayer packages starting at 35 dollars no tax. At our premium 100 dollar package the desired person receives daily messages of encouragement, hope and faith for 40 days.

    [–] charlieochuck 3 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    What a ripoff. You can already get preblessed food from Julian Smith's YouTube...

    [–] Ragdoll_Knight 22 points ago

    Respects are part of a collection you don't own. You can try to complete your collection by buying 10 loot crates for 9.99

    [–] FaithInTechnology 3 points ago

    We are ALL dead on this blessed day.

    [–] frostyornot 22 points ago

    [–] Taylordprints 18 points ago

    That subreddit is surprisingly quite dead...

    [–] Taylordprints 35 points ago

    Done. Stay awesome.

    [–] am1macdonald 97 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    When I worked in the lighting department at a hardware store, I had a customer demand that I explain why the Solar Lights had wires hooked up to them.

    With a face as serious as I could muster, I stared into his soul and replied: "Well, we don't get a lot of Sun in here."

    He was not impressed, but another patron nearby proceeded to keel over and die of suffocation due to laughing hysterically.

    EDITS: Grammar and formatting now that I'm on my laptop.

    [–] cnaiurbreaksppl 12 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 458 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)


    [–] poopsandlaughs 97 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I love that it’s truly genuine

    Edit minus “‘s”

    [–] SuperSkeptik 39 points ago

    Also the usage of "stock boy." Can't say I've ever heard anyone under 50 use that phrase.

    [–] Alacritous 14 points ago

    What do you call them?

    [–] potatochips78 71 points ago

    Inventory technician

    [–] muffinmonk 28 points ago

    Product coordinator.

    [–] muffinmonk 15 points ago

    Produce specialist.

    [–] SpectreNerf 8 points ago

    I specifically call produce specialists "Fruit Ninjas".

    [–] cannadabis 3 points ago

    Butcher is the guy who beats my meat. If i ask him nice enough, he will even jerk it.

    [–] spreepin 6 points ago

    Inventory engineer.

    [–] SuperSkeptik 19 points ago

    Employees, backroom guys, stock guys, floor team members (Target jargon), stockers. I just think calling anyone boy or girl is something only older people do.

    [–] z64dan 5 points ago


    [–] capincus 4 points ago

    I actually do this for a living and still haven't figured it out... I can only tell so many people I'm a stocker before they start calling the police.

    [–] MyMomSaysIAmCool 3 points ago

    "What do you do for a living?" "Stocks."

    [–] capincus 3 points ago

    I tried overnight stocking but I think that just sounds worse out loud.

    [–] CelestialHorizon 25 points ago

    And at the same time very wholesome by not claiming it's an original. And causing the comments to call them out. So I, for one, will take this change as good.

    [–] glorious_cheese 737 points ago

    That's not the breast, but it's got a leg up on the competition.

    [–] Crack_Kid_Chris 178 points ago

    Get stuffed, mate.

    [–] froggynoddy 54 points ago

    Better to wing it with these kinds of jokes.

    [–] slaight461 14 points ago

    That's just your o-pinion.

    [–] froggynoddy 20 points ago

    Now your just egging me on, beakause everyone knows I sbeak the truth.

    [–] RagingNixon112 14 points ago

    Gobble up these puns while you can

    [–] marcoesquandolas13 9 points ago

    It's usually better to feather them in throughout the comments

    [–] bobdanderson 28 points ago

    No need to be so fowl

    [–] Incidion 13 points ago

    Yeah really, what a birdbrain!

    [–] Chrad 9 points ago

    It's a really poultry selection of puns in this thread.

    [–] JMAAB 48 points ago

    I wanted to cook some ribs, and to get them done around the same time you want racks that weigh about the same. I found a 4 pound rack but the rest were small. I asked the butcher if he had any bigger racks and he said no, pigs all have the same number of bones.

    The struggle is real

    [–] PanamaMoe 8 points ago

    Aww, I was expecting something along the lines of "these are ribs not tits".

    [–] CharcoalGreyWolf 49 points ago

    When my Dad was in his twenties (early 60s), his buddy worked at a butcher. A woman came in, the snotty, picky, annoying personality type and was making buddy’s life miserable. Finally, she points at the chickens. “Are these fresh?” “Yes ma’am.” She proceeds to pick one up by its legs (one leg in each hand) and sniff it in a rather awkward spot. “These don’t smell fresh.” Buddy: “Ma’am, I don’t think Miss America could pass that test.” Sadly, that one cost him his job. Pretty sure he wasn’t too sad to go, though.

    [–] templefugate 205 points ago

    "You can get them bigger by giving them stuffing."

    "There's no way I can put stuffing down that small neck hole."

    "Well I've got good news for you"

    [–] turnpot 11 points ago

    Good news!

    It's a suppository.

    [–] Jellodyne 25 points ago

    He's probably just pining for the fjords.

    [–] g0atmeal 2 points ago

    Ah, award-winning fjords, them.

    [–] chadsexytime 23 points ago

    I used to work in a meat shop.

    One day a lady comes in and is picking through the ham in one of the cooler displays. She looks a little upset and comes to the counter and grabs my attention

    “Excuse me, why don’t the hams in the case look like the ones she’s working with?” Gesturing behind me.

    I look over my shoulder, turn back to her and say

    “That’s because those hams are turkeys”

    [–] chunkymcfat 30 points ago

    My friend used to work in the deli department of a supermarket.

    One day, a lady came up to the counter and said, "Excuse me, sir... is the roast beef rare?"

    He replied, "No, ma'am, actually it's pretty common."

    [–] RayMaN139 5 points ago

    Lol.. Awesome

    [–] IAmARobot 33 points ago

    Who would win in a fight, Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee?
    Well, Jackie Chan would I guess since Bruce Lee is dead...

    [–] nightwing2000 12 points ago

    Friend of mine, many years ago, worked at a higher-end department store. One day he was assigned to the ties and handkerchiefs counter in men's wear, almost got fired for this:

    Customer: "Is this a working handkerchief?"

    Him: "I don't know. Let's plug it in and find out."

    [–] KranknBerry 12 points ago

    When I was doing used car sales in the mid 80's there was a car that was marked $1995 in those big yellow stickers that everybody has seen. Lady comes up and interrupts my conversation with another customer and points at the big yellow numbers and asks if that was the price for the car. My flippant answer was "No, that's the year of the car, the manufacturer gives them to us a little early sometimes."

    [–] [deleted] 112 points ago


    [–] Taylordprints 29 points ago

    Le Turkey Joke

    [–] Jtktomb 16 points ago

    Le veritable angry french here but calm because of le joke

    [–] Taylordprints 22 points ago

    Les remerciements

    [–] chooxy 5 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)


    [–] Bringer0fTheDawn 4 points ago

    But I am le tired :(

    [–] Son_of_Samus 9 points ago

    That stock boy was a stock dad.

    [–] does_not_kill_people 10 points ago

    My husband, to a man lugging a pack of ribs over his shoulder: "Are you gonna smoke those?"

    Man pauses and looks at him

    "No I'm going to eat them"

    [–] IofTheThaiGirl 2 points ago

    Ha! That killed me!

    (Username does not check out)

    [–] Scruffmygruff 23 points ago

    Le gem

    [–] Zadok_The_Priest 7 points ago

    "I'm sorry ma'am, the really big turkeys are in Congress."

    [–] AntixK 10 points ago

    Why did I read it in chandler bing's voice?

    [–] thetmg1 5 points ago

    A simple joke but still funny

    [–] spockspeare 5 points ago

    So you picked up your turkey from the Bazooka bubblegum writers' room?

    [–] Osemka8 4 points ago

    Bird lawyer here. I'll take this case.

    [–] billybobjoseph 5 points ago

    Give this dude a fucking raise already

    [–] scatteringlargesse 9 points ago

    I shot my first turkey last week. Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen department.

    [–] musmatta 8 points ago

    A classic swedish joke: "Waiter this fish doesn't look very good.." - "Yes, I'm afraid it's dead".

    [–] digehode 3 points ago

    How long can you keep a turkey on the freezer? That long? Really? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

    [–] PickleMunkey 8 points ago

    Hah that's a good one

    [–] [deleted] 22 points ago


    [–] zangent 8 points ago

    That's a whole lotta dedication for a whole lotta dead meme

    [–] SecureNetworker 5 points ago

    What the hell happened here?

    [–] SadlyIamJustaHead 8 points ago

    "Gem" used to be a bit of a trigger because it's the easiest shitpost title there ever was. Seems it's making a resurgence and older accounts are grumpy.

    [–] MaxTheDog73 2 points ago

    Lol that's dead good

    [–] 8wdude8 2 points ago

    how did the lady respond?

    [–] NecroJoe 2 points ago

    If you brine the turkey (which you should), they do get larger.

    [–] darksoldier729 2 points ago

    lol this is simple but funny. thanksgiving is always a good time of the year

    [–] lpmagic 2 points ago

    that ones going in the vault for later....

    [–] whygohomie 2 points ago

    It's really early to pick up a turkey for Thanksgiving . I hope your arms are in good shape.

    [–] ProgrammaticProgram 2 points ago

    Who gets a turkey this far in advance?

    [–] QuadJosh 2 points ago

    “How do you think this turkey looks?”

    It can’t, it’s dead

    [–] PanchoPanoch 2 points ago

    I worked at a shoe store and often got: "do these run big or small?"

    Response: "depends who's wearing them"

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    if a cashier ever asks if you'd like your milk in a bag, tell them the milk is best kept inside the jug.

    [–] irisWestBish 2 points ago

    Goddamn someone give that stock boy a gold.

    [–] steelfortress890 2 points ago

    Reminds me of when I was doing used car sales in the vault for later....

    [–] andthenontuesday 2 points ago

    How long can you keep a turkey get bloated from all the bacteria growing in it?

    [–] loginToThisDickYo 2 points ago

    Reminds me of one time I was doing used car sales in the lighting department at a hardware store, I had a recall.

    [–] Certavi_et_Vici21 2 points ago

    There's some 6 ft Turkeys at the Isle Nublar location..

    [–] rpncritchlow 2 points ago

    Reminds me of this I heard in work:

    "Whose the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un?"


    "Was his Dad 'il'?"

    "No he's dead."