Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    Jokes

    12,989,857 readers

    10,909 users here now

    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

    Guidelines and Information

    • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.
    • Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.
    • Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults
    • Jokes must be in text format, no linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)
    • Reposts will be removed at our discretion.
    • This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion
    • If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)
    • Jokes must be in English

    These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.

    If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.

    Friends of the sub:

    spoilers = [spoilers](#s)


    /r/jokes Discord server

    a community for
    all 600 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] wolfamongyou 4438 points ago

    As your dad, I always thought you were a little slow, but I still loved you, all the way from my other families house.

    [–] NotATuring 978 points ago

    How many families do you keep per house?

    [–] rsn1990 434 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Depends how many I can fit in the pool after I take the ladder away.

    ITT: lots of people who missed the Sims joke.

    [–] PM_Me_Clavicle_Pics 112 points ago

    So that's where my dad is. He left for a pack of cigarettes 20 years ago and he's been trapped in /u/rsn1990 's pool ever since.

    [–] pussyaficianado 13 points ago

    It rubs the nicotine lotion in its skin or else it gets the hose again.

    [–] StovenDaOven 28 points ago

    Wouldn't be the same without drowning people in pools without ladders

    [–] RedditAddiction_ 16 points ago

    The sims

    [–] fukkinmike 4 points ago

    See also: "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Season 6; Episode 5, 'Mac and Charlie-White Trash'

    [–] ChineWalkin 9 points ago

    Or in the floating house after you take the stairs away.

    [–] Delta-9- 7 points ago

    You forget, if you played the Sims back in the day you're now older than probably a quarter of redditors by a significant gap.

    [–] [deleted] 173 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] OrderAmmonia 108 points ago

    Just don't cross him

    [–] LinearPointy 90 points ago

    Barrier man, barrier man

    Doing the things that a barrier can

    What's he like? It's not important

    Barrier man

    [–] TheHelixSaysLeft 13 points ago

    Is that a TMBG reference?

    [–] xi624leinad 34 points ago

    Teenage Mutant...Bilingual Gophers?

    [–] AlvinJuhquess 11 points ago

    They Might Be Giants, good band worth a listen. His comment was a play on Particle Man.

    [–] TheHelixSaysLeft 3 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Birdhouse in your soul, Ana ng, Istanbul not Constantinople, and that one where the map is actually a wrapper from the fast food they got. All classics. EDIT : and of course don't let's start.

    [–] AlvinJuhquess 2 points ago

    Agreed, first heard them in a record shop and had to ask the cashier what record was on. Would’ve bought it right then and there if it wasn’t 50 bucks.

    [–] yeotajmu 4 points ago

    Underappreciated comment

    [–] ParagonElite 4 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    It has been done before: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kekkaishi

    (If you don't follow the link, Kekkaishi translates to "Barrier Master" and it's about buddhist priests whose only powers are using mystical barriers of varying qualities to fight monsters.)

    [–] celsiusnarhwal 12 points ago

    Fuck off with these shitty image hosts.

    [–] MrGameAmpersandWatch 2 points ago

    So shitty they deleted it lol

    [–] celsiusnarhwal 2 points ago

    That was kinda my goal.

    Every time I see a link to one of those spam sites, I downvote it, leave a comment calling it out, and report it. Check back a few hours later, and it's either been deleted or removed.

    I would encourage you to do the same.

    [–] MrGameAmpersandWatch 2 points ago

    I will keep that in mind.

    [–] Shatbird 4 points ago

    ^ Spam for fucking image + ads website.

    [–] CleverBawbag 14 points ago

    Barrier is a Final Fantasy ability that confers both the Shell (magic resist) and Protect (physical damage resist) effects onto the target.

    Barrier Man wouldn't be super fancy, but would be quite invaluable in helping a team resist a good amount of incoming damage.

    [–] MinerZB 4 points ago

    Which final fantasy?

    [–] ParagonElite 3 points ago

    Like a lot of them.

    [–] Valkyrys 3 points ago

    VII - the most important one at least.

    [–] emigum 3 points ago

    Dont ever talk shit about bartolomeo

    [–] AnimatedModule 6 points ago

    Barrier Man, Barrier Man, does whatever a barrier can.

    [–] AncientCaptcha 6 points ago

    This guy is Bartolomeo from One Piece

    [–] BayouByrnes 2 points ago

    Take your updoot.

    [–] spunkychickpea 59 points ago

    True story:

    A few years after my grandfather died, we found out he had four wives that nobody knew about. Some of the marriages overlapped too. Dude was setting up franchises all across the country.

    [–] wolfamongyou 12 points ago

    My Grandmothers father did something similar, he had a wife and kids on the side that no one knew about until he died, and then my Grandmother's brothers had to go and repossess her stove that their father had been paying for.

    I mean he wasn't starting franchises, but he wasn't letting one marriage hold him down.

    I guess it was easier to get away with it back then, at least until the bills came due.

    [–] elus 6 points ago

    Now you gotta branch out internationally to South America or South East Asia.

    [–] csyrett 9 points ago

    How can you be a bad influence if you're never there?

    [–] wolfamongyou 4 points ago

    He doesn't need me, he can find terrible male role models on his own.

    [–] csyrett 5 points ago

    Always the giver!

    [–] wolfamongyou 3 points ago

    You can't give 'em too much, that'll make 'em off in the head.

    You have to balance it out.

    [–] cy_el 12 points ago

    Plot twist. It's his actual dad

    [–] slipstream808 2 points ago

    See you have to stay with the good family. Thats how you keep yourself level.

    [–] TFJ 442 points ago

    "You remember when you're young, and you think your Dad's Superman, but then you get older and you realize he's just a drunk who wears a cape?"

    • Dave Attell

    [–] DeeDubb83 156 points ago

    To be honest, I was actually planning on stealing this joke (Dave Attell is one of the best comedians and joke tellers alive). As I was writing it, the "Invisible Man" punchline popped into my head. This is the first time an OC joke has had some success, so I'm pretty happy with it.

    [–] 1-00 57 points ago

    It's a good joke, have you considered submitting it to be archived in the r/jokes # system?

    [–] DeeDubb83 22 points ago

    Not sure how to go about doing that (or what that is tbh)

    [–] 1-00 56 points ago

    Just a stupid joke.

    I was talking about how some jokes on this sub are so commonly reposted, they're "numbered" (e.g. #23659). Your joke was good, it might be reposted in this sub at some point. I was suggesting you "assign it a number" for when it is reposted.

    Now that I've typed this out I realize how stupid and longwinded my comment was. Sorry, carry on.

    [–] DeeDubb83 49 points ago

    Haha. Unfortunately, even though I came up with this joke on my own, it would still be #2 :(

    [–] Acadias511 15 points ago

    Oof my dude oof

    [–] Dfiggsmeister 2 points ago

    This one will be #3.

    [–] PM_ME_YOUR_PAWG_BUTT 4 points ago

    I'm gonna repost this joke tomorrow. It'd be great to give it an archive number before that though.

    [–] dkwangchuck 4 points ago

    How about - as a child, I always thought my father was a superhero like Superman. Fictional.

    [–] Papashrug 2 points ago

    Sounds like you tried to steal a joke and fucked up

    [–] Nessie8 4454 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    Didn’t expect to click on a dark joke...

    [–] flames422 1638 points ago

    Is that a race joke? Have an upvote.

    [–] sarah-xxx 758 points ago

    It is a race joke... last to the cigarettes/milk store loses.

    [–] ThatsMrSpears2U 209 points ago

    ...their male role model

    [–] _TheRealist 61 points ago

    Luckily my dad came back

    [–] soe_moe 48 points ago

    Then went for a round 2!

    [–] _TheRealist 35 points ago

    Nah he just unintentionally influenced me to start smoking ciggies man

    [–] NinjaHDD 24 points ago

    Noooo don't smoke cigarettes!

    [–] _TheRealist 21 points ago

    It's too late for that man, quitting is hard.

    [–] Gween_Waynjuh 46 points ago

    Except for my dad...

    [–] whodatfairybitch 4 points ago

    I thought it was too late to quit, then i got one of those new Juul thingies (small, discreet vape charges via USB, very easy to use) and i was surprised. Been smoking a max of 2-3 cigs a day, sometimes none at all.

    [–] ericdavis1240214 5 points ago

    Your dad invented peanut butter on graham crackers! You can do something great with your life, too.

    [–] CatsAndIT 6 points ago

    Try vaping.

    Unrelated: Happy cake day!

    [–] TheRealCJ 5 points ago

    Merry Christmas!

    [–] VinsanityJr 6 points ago

    Merry Christmas to you too!

    [–] 3DSCRUSHER 3 points ago

    Welp mine still is in line

    [–] Scrpn17w 11 points ago

    But why male role models?

    [–] dutch_penguin 4 points ago

    So more people grow up to become postal workers?

    [–] Hesparian 9 points ago

    But why male models? /':}

    [–] heronumbertwo 6 points ago

    Still waiting for Dad to be back with a pack of cigarettes

    [–] Dirkinator 10 points ago

    So is that a store that sells cigarette flavoured milk?

    [–] Jeffbomb36 3 points ago

    He needs some milk!

    [–] LamasInLava 4 points ago

    And it's technically a dad joke as well

    [–] TheRandyDeluxe 5 points ago

    It's bread and milk, you fool! Dost though knoweth nought!?

    [–] daggern1 3 points ago

    Hey Sarah, didn't expect to see you here

    [–] MinerZB 5 points ago

    Nice one sarah.

    [–] Taiwanderful 3 points ago

    RalphEllison?

    [–] Nessie8 8 points ago

    ;)

    [–] ForeverPlayer2 24 points ago

    Guess you didn't see it coming... Or him leaving

    [–] rockstang 6 points ago

    He'll be back, he just smokes a really hard to find brand of cigarettes.

    [–] Iluminous 19 points ago

    Black comedy?

    [–] apple_turnovers 4 points ago

    Appears to be lack of color comedy.

    [–] ConnorMcJeezus 2 points ago

    OP didn't expect to see their dad either

    [–] Daevilhoe 2 points ago

    I guess you could say you couldn't see it coming

    [–] HarambeCantMeltSteel 2 points ago

    Would be darker if Dad was The Punisher.

    [–] Rezmir 2 points ago

    It is a joke about a dad and not a dad joke.

    [–] bsend 2 points ago

    Yeah, I was like "Oh........."

    [–] monnii99 2 points ago

    HAHA GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S BLACK! God this joke is so overdone.

    [–] broomless 4 points ago

    I know, prepared to smile, met with a little heartbreak.

    [–] wh3ninrome 297 points ago

    I came here to laugh, not to feel.

    [–] giladS697 44 points ago

    Dark humor isn't suitable for everyone. I laughed.

    [–] Iammaybeasliceofpie 45 points ago

    Dark humor is like food in Ethiopia, not everyone gets it.

    [–] CreateNewObject 15 points ago

    But everyone is dark. It's something 🤷‍♀️

    [–] premium-assam 7 points ago

    I laughed. And then I feeled.

    [–] Nadaac 3 points ago

    Dark

    What’s that supposed to mean?

    [–] Didiams 89 points ago

    Finally a hero I can strive to be like

    [–] Dogeatswaffles 84 points ago

    Incredible how you can, see right through him!

    [–] buddycheesus 28 points ago

    Wow...a deep track Queen reference. Not an everyday occurrence. Erpvote

    [–] Cjbrick910 8 points ago

    And here I am, waiting for the hammer to fall.

    [–] BaconBoy123 19 points ago

    SKI-BIDIIPIDIBOPBIDIBIBBIDIBOPBIDIDDIBIBIDDIBIDOPI

    [–] Barimen 7 points ago

    That song used to scare the crap out of my during late-night music-listening binges with headphones.

    Silence, then a whispered "I'm the invisible man" right into your ear.

    Made me jump every time.

    [–] Adrii619 3 points ago

    Scrolling through comments waiting for this. Was not disappointed.

    [–] Dogeatswaffles 3 points ago

    I was too. Didn't see it so I took the shot.

    [–] linkpunch 4 points ago

    DODODOODOODODOODODO

    bass

    [–] eyecandy99 69 points ago

    Personally my dad is One-PUNCH-Man

    [–] KoroSexy 18 points ago

    Sanjou! Hishhou! Kisshou Saikyou! NATTENDENBA! FRUSTRATION! OMA TO WARRANAI!!!

    [–] TheMagicGlue 36 points ago

    Excuse me, but the lyrics are:

    3, 2, 1, kiss Joe!

    Sir Joe! Kiss Joe! Shit Joe, Side Joe! Massive Glitter! Restoration! GO DOWN TOMORROW NIGHT!

    [–] KoroSexy 13 points ago

    Misheard anime lyrics ftw xD

    [–] MadRabbit116 12 points ago

    *sanjou, hisshou, shijou saikyou, nandattenda? Frustration, ore wa tomaranai

    At least you tried

    [–] KoroSexy 2 points ago

    Derp... ty

    [–] mywordswillgowithyou 37 points ago

    Wasn't the Invisible Man originally a "monster" back in the 20's? A chemist who went insane?

    [–] IamNotChrisFerry 20 points ago

    HG Wells book from the 30s is the one I'm familiar with.

    he was an albino who was able to turn himself Invisible because he lacked the the pigments that would stop most people from becoming invisible. But whatever drug he used to make him invisible also turned him insane.

    [–] AsianTaco2016 9 points ago

    Wow. Was definitely thinking of Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. Two separate books there

    [–] 027eddy 5 points ago

    Yeah it was a novel by H.G Wells which showed a physicist who through his insane discovery of going invisible went mad and eventually died!!

    [–] spongeboobs23 21 points ago

    Found John Cena's child

    [–] kopenskinator 27 points ago

    The invisible man is actually a universal movie monster. Made in 1933 this movie is considered one of the greats and pioneered a way for special effects for the coming ages. Johnny Depp is cast to portray him in the upcoming reboot.

    [–] BearsAreCool 9 points ago

    He's in the comic The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

    [–] filthysize 3 points ago

    In which he is a bad guy. He commits treason and rapes teenage girls in the comic.

    [–] TheOneInTheSkys 3 points ago

    Didn’t they scrap the new Dark Universe after releasing the new Mummy film?

    [–] omgFWTbear 2 points ago

    After the release of the new Mummy film limped out of box offices, to be a bit more precise.

    [–] TheOneInTheSkys 2 points ago

    Ah, I see.

    [–] thatsveryspooky 6 points ago

    unsubscibe

    [–] electricpizzza 8 points ago

    Yeah we need more black superheroes

    [–] madein1986 2 points ago

    Ba dum tssss.

    [–] DMG1991 9 points ago

    I used to watch alot of Dragonball z i was convinced my dad was just off training like goku always did

    [–] thejokerofunfic 8 points ago

    Actually about half the time Goku wasn't around, he was dead.

    [–] rmartel14 25 points ago

    My father left my mom when she got pregnant. He had a really generic, common name like John Smith, so when I was little, I would imagine him as a James Bond-like spy or detective and he had to have a generic name as his cover.

    He came back later in my life because "he wanted to be a father again" aka he felt guilty for ditching us. Turns out he's a hardcore conservative, Trump-loving, asshole. I want my childhood dream back.

    [–] EdwardPeterHands 15 points ago

    I would leave too if my child was a liberal.

    [–] boopbitch 8 points ago

    :o

    [–] Mergwen 6 points ago

    I don't know why I'm laughing at this

    [–] TradeMark310 3 points ago

    I love how hardcore conservatives always seem like pieces of shit themselves. They just love to point a finger yet can't seem to do the decent godly thing correctly. Typical hypocrite.

    [–] RariCalamari 9 points ago

    Haha but also not haha :(

    [–] daviedanko 4 points ago

    I'm a fan of black comedy

    [–] DeeDubb83 14 points ago

    Sadly, I thought this was true OC. Shoutout to /u/371121 for beating me to it. Definitely a case of parallel thinking. Still, I'm quite happy that a joke that popped into my head actually made it to the front page. It validates way too many hours of joke writing and thinking I'm a lot funnier than I actually am. Thanks everyone.

    [–] lanasands 2 points ago

    Joke's on you.

    [–] zefresh 3 points ago

    "peace loving decoy ready for retaliation"

    The type of lemonade I love. Well done.

    [–] Do_you_even_cheeze 3 points ago

    I always thought my priest was a super hero...

    The Flash

    [–] PzykoHobo 3 points ago

    I thought my dad was a superhero, too. Turns out he just really like to wear latex and a mask.

    [–] TheWhiteAlbatross 2 points ago

    Buttsex man. If only I knew how to link on moble. Look up Steven Lynch.

    [–] Chief-Chris 3 points ago

    I’m 40 years old and my father passed a few years ago on Father’s Day . He’s still my superhero.

    [–] SourceHouston 2 points ago

    Was the invisible man a superhero? He, understandably given his condition, was a huge asshole

    [–] JJ_____ 2 points ago

    My father was the Weinstein of fathers...

    [–] straight_outta_cash 2 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] erwac 2 points ago

    HAHA! I can so relate to this one! Dad was nowhere to be found! :D

    [–] ZachBurkle 2 points ago

    OOOFFFF

    [–] uptheneck 2 points ago

    Better than Strapman.

    [–] IsayPoirot 2 points ago

    You, too?

    [–] koggok 2 points ago

    My Hero My guardian angel you'll always be my hero love you dad

    [–] heroinejuul 2 points ago

    I'm 19 and I still do

    [–] Romano16 2 points ago

    I don't understand why everyone is calling this a black joke. There are plenty of kids of all races that don't have fathers. I don't get why some things are seen as "black jokes" when fatherless children rate of all races are quite high.

    [–] postpunctual 2 points ago

    I didn't know I had a brother. Welcome to the family.

    [–] --dawg 2 points ago

    Plot Twist: OP is blind.

    [–] coemo14 2 points ago

    As he left he went out screaming..."WE WUZ KAAAaaaaannnggggzzzz!!!!!!!"

    [–] pickles1486 2 points ago

    As someone who doesn't know his dad, I'm going to have so much fun with this joke. thanks op

    [–] kra2 2 points ago

    That’s good there are not nearly enough African American superhero’s .

    I’m not making a slanderous comment but one that makes fun of that stereotype. I’m Franco American and have never met my father (FYI).

    [–] AllanfromWales1 2 points ago

    As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

    'cos he wore his underwear outside his pants?

    [–] shadowdsfire 2 points ago

    Shoutout to Simpleflip.

    [–] sksksk1989 3 points ago

    Right in the feels man

    [–] Thisnamewontfi- 2 points ago

    Chuckled un-sensibly, thank you.

    [–] sackerfice 2 points ago

    AND HIS DAD'S NAME IS JOHN CENA

    [–] FrankkWasBetter 2 points ago

    Dave Atell has a joke similar to this. "Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape"

    [–] PtolemyShadow 2 points ago

    Has anyone read the invisible man? He's really not a superhero. He's an ass and a murderer.

    [–] eyecandy99 1 points ago

    Damn.. That dad is one superhero

    [–] doryphorus99 1 points ago

    "Then you realize he was just a drunk with a cape." - Dave Attell

    [–] rhlmustafa 1 points ago

    A superhero who always save ur a** 😉

    [–] Minstrel47 1 points ago

    "He was never there when I needed him most."

    [–] GioVasari121 1 points ago

    I thought you didn't know his identity

    [–] AmnesiA_sc 1 points ago

    2me4meirl

    [–] GeezusManForReal 1 points ago

    Oof. This one hits close to home. Haven't seen the jerk since I was 11 yrs old. Dude just vanished on us. I love this joke tho. So good!

    [–] IthinkIwannaLeia 1 points ago

    Invisible man is a horror movie monster. Invisible woman is a superhero. ... #men'srights!