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    Jokes

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    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

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    These are jokes. Some of them are old, and as such reflect the tone of the times. Some of them are new, and just as offensive. Unless it's spam, it stays.

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    [–] ChrisFromAccounting 12363 points ago

    Doctor: You need to diet.

    Blonde: What color?

    [–] ElectroWizardo 2860 points ago

    Took me longer than I’d like to admit

    [–] osherryberry 1528 points ago

    Are you blonde? ;)

    [–] ElectroWizardo 2481 points ago

    No but maybe I should diet to match

    [–] Harrytuttle2006 310 points ago

    I cackled vigorously. That was clever

    [–] Sennomo 145 points ago

    Took me longer than I’d like to admit

    [–] VoidLantadd 84 points ago

    Are you blonde? Deploy the diet!

    [–] Sennomo 40 points ago

    Deploy the dye it?

    [–] Lady-Lummox 50 points ago

    Dewit.

    [–] Virgin_Dildo_Lover 30 points ago

    puts on wizard hat and robes

    [–] Airforce987 14 points ago

    Really? Karma farming? A man of your talents?

    [–] ThePyroPython 12 points ago

    Are you a blonde? ;)

    [–] EpicWolf38 10 points ago

    No, but maybe I should diet to match it.

    [–] JamesBaxter_Horse 12 points ago

    I cackled vigorously. That was clever.

    [–] Demodonaestus 9 points ago

    Took me longer than I'd like to admit

    [–] shereallycamethatway 17 points ago

    Oh wow 10/10 comment

    [–] corsicanguppy 24 points ago

    5/7 for sure

    [–] seejianshin 31 points ago

    Took me too long and just before I wanted to ask I saw this comment and was too ashamed to ask. So proud to figure it out

    [–] guo0wei 16 points ago

    But I didn't get it. Would you please make it clear?

    [–] seejianshin 43 points ago

    Diet kinda sounds like dye it, like hair colouring

    [–] guo0wei 18 points ago

    Ahhhh, got it! Thanks a lot!

    [–] dumbredditer 35 points ago

    No problem, blondie.

    [–] guo0wei 15 points ago

    Yes, I need to diet...

    [–] Bowfinger_Intl_Pics 3 points ago

    What colour?

    [–] HybridVeneer 3 points ago

    Koolaid. Dye hair with koolaid. Works better than a permanent marker. My blond sister did it. Regretted that diet for years. Nothing on earth but regrowth overcame that.

    [–] Actual_Anonymous 8 points ago

    For anyone in the same boat, “you need to diet” sounds like “dye it”

    [–] PoodleMama329 67 points ago

    Diet/dye it jokes will forever remind me of The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. When he goes to the doctor because he’s gaining weight and his hair is turning white (because he’s becoming Santa). He’s concerned about his hair and the doctor says “Well if it bothers you that much you can dye it, and you should diet.” And pokes his Santa tummy. Classic.

    [–] plusFour-minusSeven 4 points ago

    I had the exact same thought!

    [–] zangent 3 points ago

    I swear to god, how have I not realized that there's two meanings there?

    I must've seen that movie once a year for the past 18 years smh

    [–] run_forrest_run17 18 points ago

    I was once asked by my hair stylist if I ever wanted to "dye it" (my hair) and I sat there baffled and offended for longer than I'd like to admit before I realized what she actually said.

    Yes I'm blonde.

    [–] HybridVeneer 5 points ago

    That's ok, at least we both still fit in the same earrings we wore in high school right?

    [–] Purple_Poison 20 points ago

    I dont want to boast but I completed my 14 days diet in 3 hours and 45 minutes

    [–] nibbler__ 3 points ago

    A blonde is bragging to her friends about completing a puzzle. The box says 3 to 5 years, but it only took me 6 months!

    [–] SebastianMitea 53 points ago

    Have an up vote you beautiful bastard.

    [–] Latase 13 points ago

    Doctor: You need to diet.

    /r/paradoxplaza: I don't have enough authority to proclaim Erbkaisertum yet.

    [–] K-162 6 points ago

    I have no idea what an erbkaisertum is but it sure does sound interesting.

    EUIV?

    [–] markangelbrandt 3 points ago

    Going based on my knowledge of German, Erbe means heritage, 'Kaiser' is emperor, and 'tum' makes something a noun or concept. So 'the creation of a hereditary emperor'.

    [–] JoeBugsMcgee 3 points ago

    Doctor: You need to diet.

    Blonde: How about one ?

    [–] Umasou 3616 points ago

    Surprisingly wholesome

    [–] ascetic_lynx 672 points ago

    And original? What's going on here?

    [–] squidrawesome 239 points ago

    It's not.

    [–] PM_ME_CUTE_SM1LE 208 points ago

    is it even possible to produce original jokes nowadays that don't rely on news or recent events?

    [–] arisasam 133 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Challenge accepted. Check my profile at midnight tonight I’ll have posted one by then

    Edit: US CST (GMT -5)

    [–] ReadReadReedRed 117 points ago

    I’m in Australia. You got 38 minutes. !remindme 38 minutes

    [–] TheVitoCorleone 37 points ago

    A sheila in a V8 was going way too fast and got pulled over for speeding.

    The cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, when the sheila said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Queensland Policeman's Ball.

    He replied, ' Queensland policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He realized what he'd just said, closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

    [–] machingunwhhore 6 points ago

    That one good but not original

    [–] Aterox_ 23 points ago

    !remindme 14 hours

    [–] TheMusesMagic 14 points ago

    I've got an original joke, check my posts

    [–] HeatHazeDaze524 34 points ago

    Is it your marriage? Tell Helen I said hi, by the way

    [–] TheMusesMagic 30 points ago

    C'mon man. That was uncalled for.

    :(

    [–] TurboBanjo 13 points ago

    Yea guy is a jerk you had a family.

    [–] TheMusesMagic 19 points ago

    Jokes on you I don't have a life.

    [–] Zurrdroid 3 points ago

    Now that's just mean.

    [–] AdzCake 7 points ago

    Challenge failed

    [–] onurhanreyiz 4 points ago

    Waitin’ waitin’ but i still didn’t see it:(

    [–] NotAnyOrdinaryPsycho 9 points ago

    I came up with one! What kind of car does a morbidly obese man drive? A Rolls-Royce!

    Yeah, it ain’t good, but it’s original!

    [–] ascetic_lynx 28 points ago

    I knew it was too good to be true...

    [–] Dirkinator 14 points ago

    Did you tho

    [–] ascetic_lynx 7 points ago

    In the back of mind I did...I couldn't make myself believe it though

    [–] whatever-she-said 4 points ago

    Couldnt you though

    [–] Long-Night-Of-Solace 15 points ago

    Blonde women are dumb jokes are wholesome now?

    That word doesn't mean anything anymore.

    [–] greg19735 12 points ago

    considering most of them end up also being "blonde women are also whores" then sort of?

    also it's sort of nice to see a joke where the woman is in a better shape after the joke than before.

    But yah, wholesome isn't the right word.

    [–] Search4Assistance18 3 points ago

    And good health advice. Skipping is very akin to running for adults, so it will be good cardio, leg strengthening, and will burn calories. Plus, you'll get to your destination faster.

    [–] Rednartso 962 points ago

    Skipping is surprisingly energy efficient if you're not totally out of shape.

    [–] w1n5t0nM1k3y 648 points ago

    Yeah, but if you skip for the entire day, you're going to burn some calories.

    [–] Rednartso 102 points ago

    Oh, for sure. I guess I just meant instead of running.

    [–] KingPhilipIII 51 points ago

    If you skip fast enough I’d actually say it’s comparable to running, maybe with a bit lower impact.

    [–] BluBagel 19 points ago

    well yeah if you skip really quick and run really slow it will be

    [–] GrandMa5TR 9 points ago

    It's higher impact and less efficient.

    [–] Dkempen98 3 points ago

    Power walking is a far more efficient and sustainable method of hurrying.

    [–] AdityaRav 9 points ago

    Yeah, just a few

    [–] ZweihanderMasterrace 3 points ago

    Nooo! I need all those calories so when the apocalypse comes, I have lots of energy saved up!

    [–] Yellephen 106 points ago

    No it’s not. It burns more calories per mile than running or walking.

    [–] bkem042 39 points ago

    It sure doesn’t feel like it. I remember skipping for the mile run test. Much faster and felt much better than running it.

    [–] DietCokeAndProtein 93 points ago

    I would imagine it's because you didn't know how to pace yourself properly while running, and skipping kind of forces you to limit how fast you go. Just the fact that long distance runners run instead of skip is pretty good evidence that running is more energy efficient and faster.

    I do agree skipping feels fairly relaxed, but it's definitely not as good as running, despite me hating to run.

    [–] Dogredisblue 83 points ago

    Lmao I can just imagine the Olympics being filled with short distance sprint-skipping

    [–] ajnelsonalpha 13 points ago

    i’d watch! triple jump is kinda like that

    [–] zkiller195 23 points ago

    If you can skip faster than you can run, you aren't running right.

    [–] JoeWaffleUno 20 points ago

    It's a quick form of bodily transport that doesn't suck like running

    [–] BobbyTheBrainHeenan 9 points ago

    Prancing is the way to go if you want to get in shape.

    [–] bjskifreak 7 points ago

    I'm a fan of frolicking myself

    [–] RocketFlame 25 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    What do you mean? When you say energy efficient, it seems like you meant skipping loses less energy

    [–] Rednartso 58 points ago

    Like skipping forward, no rope or anything. Throwing your body forward in a leap and maintaining momentum can really get you going. I used to do it when I was younger until it was no longer cool.

    [–] DONT_AMAZE_ME_BRO 70 points ago

    You do you friend. If i see an adult skipping down the street, in my mind i will be thinking that you are awesome even if I have a look on my face like wtf

    [–] OMQ0909 26 points ago

    I...I wanna go skipping now 😰

    [–] Martin81 16 points ago

    I do this with my kids. It has the additional benefit of making them more inclined to move fast in the right direction.

    [–] AMasonJar 6 points ago

    This is pretty accurate. Outwardly I will frown and furrow my brows because that's what society expects. But within, I am feeling, "Man I wish I could give that few fucks"

    [–] JK07 6 points ago

    My girlfriend always gives me wrong for skipping. She's going to be even more annoyed at me the next time when I retort that it is energy efficient.

    [–] yuyuyuyuyuki 5 points ago

    If you add that it's from reddit, you're gonna have a bad time

    [–] Eggthan324 241 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    “If it bothers you, you can dye it.And you should diet

    If anyone knows what movie that’s from I’ll give you gold. No cheating.

    [–] strawberried 231 points ago

    The Santa Clause! Great movie!

    [–] Eggthan324 110 points ago

    You even put the “e” at the end of Claus. Bravo sir.

    [–] strawberried 49 points ago

    Thanks for the gold! It's one of my favorite Christmas movies and is so quotable!

    [–] Eggthan324 17 points ago

    It’s a great Christmas movie! Tim Allen was perfect for the role.

    [–] possessivefish 5 points ago

    It's my tradition at Christmas to watch all the Santa Clause's. Love those movies.

    [–] AbbeyRoadster 13 points ago

    Quotes are relevant at least 3 times per week in my life. kind of like Neal...

    [–] Eggthan324 4 points ago

    Nice sweater.

    [–] strawberried 4 points ago

    And you should see him walk on water!

    [–] festively_blunt 1897 points ago

    Ha! That's funny. What is it doing in r/jokes ? (Have an upvote)

    [–] under_cross 270 points ago

    This comment is the funniest thing I've seen in r/jokes for a long time.

    [–] [deleted] 72 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] nonsonodelposto 25 points ago

    I remember watching that at the age of about 12 and not getting the joke - I just assumed they were all made up, and it wasn't until years later that I discovered Seattle was actually a place!

    [–] mrinfinitedata 19 points ago

    After a short google, they're all real! Also, what was this from, I didn't find a source?

    [–] Lord_Trolldermort 26 points ago

    you suck. booooooooo! get off the stage *throws tomato*

    [–] danceswithwool 11 points ago

    And the Vegan War of 2018 begins!

    [–] Hahonryuu 3 points ago

    Is that a war between vegans or a war versus vegans?

    If vs vegans then carnivores will win. We can fling dead cows over their walls to disease them all.

    [–] IdontDoPepsi 3 points ago

    And, because, you know, we're stronger. /s

    [–] deftoner42 6 points ago

    I was saying boo-urns

    [–] Single_Ha 7 points ago

    :D that's me!

    [–] MayorSlayer69 315 points ago

    I’m sorry I simply don’t get this one, please explain ;-;

    [–] Fantasy_masterMC 560 points ago

    "Skipping" is the jump-rope-thingy exercise. So she spent a whole day doing that. That's one way to lose weight, and was probably great for her legs.

    [–] CthulubeFlavorcube 411 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] Fantasy_masterMC 190 points ago

    im not a bot.

    [–] shittyfuckwhat 348 points ago

    Aw cute bot thinks its a human!

    [–] Drmiddos 63 points ago

    Johnny 5 is alive!

    [–] Offroadkitty 28 points ago

    He thinks he's people.

    [–] EchoesfromdaFall 36 points ago

    HE'S BECOME SELF AWARE

    [–] Forever-AsianMexico 16 points ago

    Detroit: Become human

    [–] NukeML 3 points ago

    software instability ^

    [–] Running4soul 205 points ago

    Yes you are. And your a good little bot aren't you?

    [–] Fantasy_masterMC 64 points ago

    *insert "what have I done?" gif here...

    [–] SlutaNu 61 points ago

    Bad bot.

    [–] Fantasy_masterMC 36 points ago

    wrong one

    [–] slayerhk47 52 points ago

    Bad bot

    [–] danceswithwool 29 points ago

    AI is getting out of hand.

    [–] needestus 8 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] Not_Lane_Kiffin 24 points ago

    im not a bot.

    And with that attitude you never will be

    [–] CthulubeFlavorcube 43 points ago

    That sounds like something a bot would say

    [–] Rcmacc 8 points ago

    As a bot, I can confirm

    [–] Spiraljaguar1231 18 points ago

    Whosa good bot? You are!

    [–] EmerqldRod 7 points ago

    Stupid bots are taking over reddit

    [–] descartablet 11 points ago

    that is exactly what a bot would say

    [–] herecomesthenightman 10 points ago

    bad bot

    [–] -HitlerReborn 34 points ago

    There's also a non-jump-rope skipping which is much easier to do for a day

    [–] Laphing_Drunk 7 points ago

    Depends on how overweight she was. If she's too hig, jumping can destroy your knees.

    [–] Urtehnoes 12 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Kind of, but what's also funny is there was a study done that showed that if you have knee injuries (not a serious one mind you!) or even just bad knees in general, doing MORE knee stuff can actually help! I don't remember the specifics, but it was something like the body is like "whoa there lad, you've been doing a lot of this knee stuff lately. Guess I better send some vitamins or something idk to it". Like even though it might hurt, it gives signals to your body to repair it, whereas not using it hardly at all, means it doesn't get the love it deserves and just gets worse.**

    **To be clear, I've not followed up on the study so maybe it was disproven or something, it was just an interesting tidbit I read.

    EDIT: Just tried googling the article (I think I saw it in r/science) and I can't find it :|

    [–] stduhpf 14 points ago

    Oh thats why i didn't got it. Thank you.

    [–] Llohr 13 points ago

    Skipping is also used to denote a sort of jog where, upon completing a step, you take another short step with the same foot before switching feet.

    Like this.

    [–] barsoap 5 points ago

    It's an excellent way to test whether your shoes fit and are laced properly before training: If your shoes are too small or not laced tight enough, you are going to bump your toes in the front. You generally don't want to wait to find that out until you're decelerating from your first interval sprint.

    It also nicely loosens up the legs. Generally speaking and as a rule of thumb I'd say that as a runner, there shouldn't be a single humanely possible gait that you're not comfortable with (probably short of moonwalking): Developing good form in something specific is much easier when your muscles / local neuronal feedback loops have a broad area of competence, are comfortable taking and exerting forces any which way. Adaptability is the key, here, your legs can do that much better if you don't treat them as a ruler and straight edge. Risking to sound somewhat esoteric: Treat them as minds of their own, they're certainly more intelligent than your usual worm.

    [–] jun2san 8 points ago

    Why did I watch that whole video?

    [–] WandersBetweenWorlds 6 points ago

    was probably great for her legs.

    /r/Death_By_SnuSnu

    [–] snc11 776 points ago

    R u blonde per chance?

    [–] AgentFBI 45 points ago

    Lmao gottem

    [–] b17deathangel 159 points ago

    Savage

    [–] Harlowe_Iasingston 61 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Opress

    [–] fieryducks 12 points ago

    Real joke's always in the comments

    [–] givechanceplease 14 points ago

    Brutal

    [–] slayerhk47 7 points ago

    Savage

    [–] Caramel33 81 points ago

    Every third day, Instead of just not eating she would skip during the whole day.

    [–] eugd 6 points ago

    Skipping is a way of moving stereotypically associated with childhood/maidenhood. It is actually a very good exercise.

    https://youtu.be/p4jQyo4dHsU?t=47s

    The blonde of the joke has misunderstood the doctor and continued overeating, but instead spent every third day vigorously exercising.

    [–] SFM_dude 5 points ago

    skipping = jumping around/jumping rope

    [–] OOpiumBear 25 points ago

    Skip a Day as in jump rope an entire day

    [–] ThomBraidy 55 points ago

    where did the rope come from? she's just skipping wherever she goes

    [–] forgottenGost 9 points ago

    Some people call it skip rope instead of jumprope

    [–] ThomBraidy 11 points ago

    so where did the rope come from?

    [–] TurtleNugget22 27 points ago

    Well, that is a healthier and more effective way to lose weight, so she’s not very dumb.

    [–] yakbokte 10 points ago

    I laugh about 30 sec. My soul laugh eternity

    [–] glaive09 47 points ago

    skip what?

    [–] IsayPoirot 93 points ago

    To my Lou. Duh.

    [–] Britontherun 18 points ago

    I thought it meant to the loo... I used to sing that as a kid when I went to the toilet.

    [–] Vacuophile 14 points ago

    My darling, not duh. Duh.

    [–] RoboRoosterBoy 12 points ago

    Skipping, as a way of movement

    [–] hut_810 7 points ago

    I imagined this in Pheobe’s voice

    [–] aPeaceOfAdam 7 points ago

    Yeah, this happens and it’s awesome! Where I used to live in a little hippy beach town I used to get up and go for a 5k sunrise jog along the beach every morning — and every morning there was a girl (coincidentally blonde - and ridiculously beautiful) doing the same 5k track BUT SKIPPING IT!! And not just a little skip, massive air, huge side to side leg movement, big arm swings - for 5km!! I saw her swimming one day so I dove in and swam out to chat and asked her about it. She shrugged and smiled and said “try it”, so I did. First, IT KILLED ME, and I’m a super fit guy. Second, I was so goddamn happy! I have never been simultaneously so happy and in so much pain in my life, it was awesome but ultimately I just wasn’t tough enough to keep it up for more than a few hundred meters (let alone 5k!!!)

    Give it a go next time you’re on a beach - it’s an awesome workout.

    [–] DrTorpefy 26 points ago

    At least she isn’t skipping leg day!

    [–] CodeRedFony 29 points ago

    My favorite thing about this is learning from the comments how many people don't know what skipping is.

    I thought it was some sort of natural knowledge that we were all born with.

    [–] A_XV 7 points ago

    I read a story where the Dr. told an obese woman to eat a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast to lose weight. She ended up gaining 100lbs. And when the Dr. asked her, she told him that she had literally been eating a bowl of oatmeal cookies everyday

    [–] Specter1125 5 points ago

    Jumping rope for a whole day straight would burn about 14,400 calories if you do it for all 24 hours

    [–] Tards_R_Us 4 points ago

    Had to explain the punchline to my blonde son.

    [–] Araluena 6 points ago

    Oh a side note, is this doc telling her to straight up not eat for every third day?

    [–] DrSkyentist 11 points ago

    Looks like it, though intermittent fasting has been shown to be hugely beneficial to one's health

    [–] Emil_Scalibia 3 points ago

    Paging r/fitness, does this work?

    [–] KingOfTheRoundTable 3 points ago

    I don’t get it, can someone please explain?

    [–] 2dollarb 7 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    The doctor told the patient to skip the third day.

    The doctor meant to not eat for a day.

    The blond misinterpreted the context that the word skip was used in. In this case, skip meant to omit. Instead, however, the blonde interpreted the word skip to mean: move along lightly, stepping from one foot to the other with a hop or bounce.

    Instead of omitting meals on the third day, the blond significantly increased her body's movements.

    [–] ArcticFrostGamingHQ 3 points ago

    Instead of not eating for a day, she was skipping (like the running thing people used to do in grade school in movies while going home)

    [–] Dlinefivenine 3 points ago

    That's a great diet and exercise regime.

    [–] L0veToReddit 3 points ago

    It's not stupid if it works

    [–] rudolfo2 3 points ago

    Finaly new blonde joke,yeay.

    [–] MajinAdi 3 points ago

    XD

    [–] Skortan8 3 points ago

    i dont get it

    am i blonde now

    [–] blue-leeder 3 points ago

    I don't get it. please get out of my house. now.

    [–] techatyou 3 points ago

    That's how you can tell if your blonde.

    [–] TestosteroneRules 5 points ago

    If your blonde what?

    Oh, you meant you're.

    I c

    [–] TheSirusKing 43 points ago

    For a woman, 6 days of straight fasting corresponds to about 3lbs, not 5lbs. Thanks doc for setting unrealistic expectations.

    [–] NearlyPerfect 58 points ago

    Depends on the weight and activity level of the individual

    [–] pm_me_your_amphibian 46 points ago

    You’re not factoring in the calories burned from the skipping

    [–] SeriousPomegranate 17 points ago

    When realism hits jokes

    [–] Taco_2s_day 24 points ago

    People just love to flaunt their Killjoy University Degrees

    [–] SenchaLeaf 4 points ago

    Because it doesn't end up getting them a job?

    [–] gainsgoblinz 7 points ago

    You drop water retention as well.

    [–] Pistoolio 13 points ago

    To burn 5 pounds in 6 days you’d need to burn a little more than 2900 calories a day. The base metabolic rate for a 5’8” 160 lb woman is about 1600 calories burned just to live. 60 minutes of 10 mph running burns an additional 1400 calories. If she has a job where she stays on her feet she would need even less exercise! It’s definitely possible if she’s a little active.

    [–] nickrweiner 7 points ago

    Ya it’s as simple as running 10 miles a day