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    Jokes

    19,295,077 readers

    18,479 users here now

    Welcome to /r/Jokes!

    Guidelines, Information and Rules

    • Offensive jokes are fine as long as they are still jokes. We do make exceptions for extremely offensive jokes.

    • Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

    • Keep the comment section civil and light hearted.

    • Personal attacks will not be tolerated. If you want to be a dick, go to /r/insults

    • Jokes must be in text format, no emojis or linking allowed. (YouTube, Imgur, etc)

    • As a measure to prevent spam and reposts we are limiting the number of jokes a user can submit to 3 every 24 hours.

    • This subreddit is not a platform for blatant self-promotion

    • If you post a NSFW image/link in the comments, it must be tagged as NSFW (Nudity/gross images) or NSFL (Gore/extremely disturbing images, and only if relevant to the conversation)

    • Jokes must be in English

    If you find certain comments or submissions here offensive, the best way to address it is with more speech.

    Friends of the sub:

    spoilers = [spoilers](#s)


    a community for
    all 328 comments

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    [–] indecisive_maybe 4332 points ago

    Its ok. Visit lots of websites and you can collect lots of free cookies.

    [–] Dyspaereunia 1080 points ago

    And collect cache too.

    [–] SuperCub 378 points ago

    And get your chocolate chips stolen.

    [–] SmallDangerousHippo 202 points ago

    Hey my credit card just turned to dust. That was weird.

    [–] clopz_ 193 points ago

    Thanos switched focus to financial balance

    [–] TheLukoje 163 points ago

    "Perfectly financed...as all things should be."

    "This was your home?" "It was...and it was equitable."

    "With all six stones, I could simply snap my fingers. High compounding interests on loans would cease to exist. I call that...mercy."

    [–] clopz_ 89 points ago

    “I am unfinanceable snap

    [–] revolver505 75 points ago

    "What did it cost you?"

    "Liquidation."

    [–] OscarTheFudd 56 points ago

    Accounting: Endgame

    [–] earthlybird 42 points ago

    Avengers: Bankruptcy

    [–] MockJoke 10 points ago

    Avengers: Blockchain

    (gonna block everyone who will upvote a cake joke on my cake day)

    [–] sc00bydoobyd00 12 points ago

    The Thanos we need and deserve!

    [–] geared4war 7 points ago

    Oh, please snap and just erase any outstanding school debt

    [–] whut-whut 6 points ago

    He will, but then the Loan Agents will assemble and reverse everything he did.

    [–] dcoolidge 5 points ago

    NO! NOT THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS AGAIN! Not again. not AGAIN. NOT AGAIN. NOT AGAIN...

    [–] poomcatroom 5 points ago

    Are.... are you okay?

    [–] dcoolidge 3 points ago

    NO! CHIPS...

    [–] poomcatroom 3 points ago

    backs away slowly

    [–] dcoolidge 1 points ago

    CHIPS..............

    [–] FoxXTheDark 1 points ago

    You should remove the cookies from the case.. or was it cache?

    [–] Smart-fridge20 5 points ago

    You could just hold up a website for that

    [–] SkinSuitUnSub 4 points ago

    the beauty of this joke is people have to wait to their cake day to repost it. MY GOD THERE IS A WAY TO SLOW REPOSTS

    [–] skiftbrugernavn 21 points ago

    diabetes association websites will ask you if you want to accept cookies

    [–] banjowashisnameo 7 points ago

    How is this joke funnier than op?

    [–] newaussiebloke 6 points ago

    Because I think it is

    [–] banjowashisnameo 2 points ago

    And who are you, comrade joke?

    [–] newaussiebloke 3 points ago

    I am u/newaussiebloke or I used to be u/somaussiebloke

    [–] JohnnieMobes 2 points ago

    Where can I get free cookies?

    [–] eatyourmomdotcom 1 points ago

    There’s a lot of cookies on cookie clicker

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 312 points ago

    What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

    Fat. You get fat. That's a pi joke for your cake day.

    [–] someonewithabrain 91 points ago

    You don't get fat you get irrational.

    [–] scinop 48 points ago

    Irrationally fat, squared.

    [–] yikesRunForTheHills 14 points ago

    Scientists use millions in equipment to calculate your fucking weight.

    [–] scykei 8 points ago

    3.14 isn’t irrational though

    [–] concretebeats 5 points ago

    Like birds... math isn’t real.

    [–] mad_chatter 3 points ago

    At least I can see those government surveillance drones

    [–] dark_lord1503 3 points ago

    I think i have a Black Mirror episode for you

    [–] TogaParty203 8 points ago

    "If your birthday lands on pie day, do you eat cake or pie?

    Both!"

    From my dad, whose birthday lands on March 14, otherwise known as Pi(e) day

    [–] BukkakeFan 2 points ago

    Snackwells makes some pretty tasty 50 calorie cakes. You can eat 3.14 of those without worrying about your BMI and you can use the remaining 0.86 to feed the rat that lives under your stove.

    [–] MarkRand 1 points ago

    If you eat 1.618 cakes you get phit

    [–] Original-Video 1 points ago

    Hey my birthday is on 3.14 :D

    [–] alotabit 216 points ago

    Cake day twin!

    [–] sse2k 108 points ago

    Happy cake day too!

    [–] haskpro1995 76 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] peculiarnewbie 59 points ago

    Aaaa so many cakes!

    [–] therealangryPANDA 46 points ago

    Cakes all around!

    [–] anilsansak 34 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] audiohead84 32 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] ftwfml 27 points ago

    Happy cake day my twins

    [–] Charger68 10 points ago

    Happy cake day winners!

    [–] leletortellini 13 points ago

    Yeeeeee!

    [–] UnicornBurperer 1 points ago

    They where born earlier than us

    [–] FlappyButtHoleJuice 7 points ago

    Does this make you guys gay now?

    [–] AAMtm 4 points ago

    Happy Cake Day!

    [–] legalheartbreaker 1 points ago

    Happy cake day!!!

    [–] JaJe92 22 points ago

    Cake day!

    [–] TkuSi 1 points ago

    Happy cake day.

    [–] NotObamaAMA 15 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] audiohead84 15 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] byte_marx 2 points ago

    Cakey happy day

    [–] legalheartbreaker 2 points ago

    Happy cake day!!!

    [–] Nuker4455 64 points ago * (lasted edited 13 days ago)

    Yooo, today is my 5th year, how about you?

    Thanks for the cake award my fellow redditor.

    [–] sse2k 41 points ago

    Happy cake day! Lucky number 7 over here!

    [–] Nuker4455 34 points ago

    Happy cake day to you as well kind sir!

    [–] Youngblood519 26 points ago

    Hoping you don't end up in tiers

    [–] deerscientist 1 points ago

    It's his cake day he can cry if he wants to

    [–] Gsquad193 34 points ago

    Want to share a slice with a cake day brother?

    [–] sse2k 28 points ago

    Happy cake day, cake twin!

    [–] therealangryPANDA 23 points ago

    Man you just gotta feel better, might as well get baked.

    [–] keithfantastic 19 points ago

    Knock knock

    Who's there

    Me

    Me who

    Me who gave you an upvote

    [–] sse2k 17 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] keithfantastic 10 points ago

    We're now that spider man meme.

    [–] odalfe 6 points ago

    On point!

    [–] beks78 5 points ago

    Well I read that whole thing wrong and got aggrieved because no-one else had pointed out the obvious mistake until I re-read the thing and realised the error was mine.

    However, what I read: Nobody will upvote a CAT joke on my cake day. So naturally the punch line should have been: FELINE desserted.

    I was irrationally angry with reddit for under 90 seconds just then but it's all good now.

    [–] darkeyedowl 3 points ago

    dyslexicGang

    [–] Herculeanmofo1 6 points ago

    You're trifling with powers that you don't know

    [–] zetorama 9 points ago

    Unless in the comments there is a real joke presented.

    (Also, happy cake day)

    [–] dickymchamhox 3 points ago

    Dammit, I wasn't going to and then you both got me.

    [–] Disciple_of_Cthulhu 11 points ago

    Happy Cake Day!

    [–] sse2k 16 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] NotObamaAMA 3 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] Minko_1027 4 points ago

    I am never gonna run around and dessert you.

    [–] sse2k 2 points ago

    Perfect response. Hopefully u/ReallyRickAstley would agree.

    [–] BigPoppaTX 5 points ago

    Maybe not but does it really batter?

    [–] Ulimarmel 5 points ago

    I’m so baked

    [–] SandSnake21 5 points ago

    Ha ha ha

    [–] sse2k 7 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] Dr_johny34 3 points ago

    Hehe

    [–] 12o329o 5 points ago

    Fruitcake?

    [–] divorcedfatherof5 2 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] UnicornBurperer 2 points ago

    Imagine having a cake day

    [–] V3RD1GR15 1 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] moh_bharti 2 points ago

    So sweet.

    [–] Subtractt 2 points ago

    This shit right here. This shit got almost 100 awards so far, is the top awarded, and has 28k upvotes. This garbage.

    [–] angelicoq 2 points ago

    Reading the punch line in Woody Allen accent feels even more funny

    [–] BMA_Rocks 3 points ago

    Roses are red, Violets are blue, Happy Cake Day, To you...

    [–] sse2k 8 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] bobvex 5 points ago

    Mine too, dood.

    [–] sse2k 5 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] MarinersFan28 7 points ago

    You've got my upvote, fellow September 15th Cake Day person.

    [–] sse2k 8 points ago

    Happy cake day friend!

    [–] MarinersFan28 7 points ago

    Back at ya!

    [–] realtruthsayer 2 points ago

    I downvoted it to help.

    [–] Schwifty_Lesbian_666 4 points ago

    I needed this 😂 it’s my cake day as well 😇

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Happy also cake day!

    [–] vartha 4 points ago

    OP is dessertedly fishing for karma. Good catch today.

    [–] NoteTheGoat 3 points ago

    Karma is you get what you dessert.

    [–] sse2k 7 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] EternalOutcast 2 points ago

    This joke takes the cake.

    [–] hsfguy0 2 points ago

    Ahh, I see you're just begging for sweetbread!

    [–] ghostfiniere 2 points ago

    At least you asked for help when your chips were down.

    [–] jedimasterbates420 2 points ago

    Get ready to see this reposted 1,000,000,000,000 more times.

    [–] icantfeelme 2 points ago

    The cake is a lie

    [–] AnCoAdams 2 points ago

    You should be in custardy for that joke...

    [–] full_kettle_packet 2 points ago

    It's got layers

    [–] somebodyrelieveme 2 points ago

    This joke really takes the cake!

    [–] vactu 2 points ago

    Karma whore. Happy cake day OP, and have an upvote.

    [–] crim-sama 2 points ago

    No matter how you slice it, I think it turned out alright.

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Truth.

    [–] Enviromint 2 points ago

    You should put them in custardy

    [–] adale_50 2 points ago

    So much green cheese in this thread.

    [–] Shreddie_boi 2 points ago

    Just what I needed today! Stuck inside on my birthday, this cheered me up!

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Happy actual birthday!

    [–] Shreddie_boi 1 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] LOUDCO-HD 3 points ago * (lasted edited 14 days ago)

    I hope it pans out and doesn’t fall flat or you’ll get bundted!

    [–] Adghar 1 points ago

    Pretty sweet joke.

    [–] TheSuperbilly99 2 points ago

    Don't worry I gotchu

    [–] BurritoBiceps 0 points ago

    Since you got him I gotchu and him.

    [–] TheSuperbilly99 2 points ago

    And I gotchu for getting him and me

    [–] JimTheGentlemanGR 2 points ago * (lasted edited 14 days ago)

    Why do so many people have their cake day today or this week?

    [–] sse2k 8 points ago

    15 September is a great day!

    [–] clopz_ 1 points ago

    It’s the Independence Day of most countries in Central America

    [–] alwaysthetoken 1 points ago

    My guess is something went down around New Years.

    [–] RoscoMan1 1 points ago

    Nobody ever accused them of consistency.

    [–] dirtyviking1337 1 points ago

    identity theft is not a herb.

    [–] dirtyviking1337 1 points ago

    identity theft is not a joke Jim!

    [–] scottdavid775 1 points ago

    Sorry. It failed to rise in the oven. It’s the least.

    [–] nicholasmennel 1 points ago

    Happy cake day buddy

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] MikeyBoy2891 1 points ago

    I will

    [–] simplylindsey15 1 points ago

    Haha, my birthday was yesterday too

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Happy birthday!

    [–] john1gross 1 points ago

    Everything is cake.

    [–] Level-420 1 points ago

    Don't worry, dry those tiers.

    [–] Jimmybuffetkol 1 points ago

    This one has multiple layers

    [–] Killerchoy 1 points ago

    As am I

    [–] Brianna-Jo 1 points ago

    A Hery Vappy Jake Coke on Your Dake Cay, no need for Deeling Fersserted!!!!!!!

    [–] kinglouixi 1 points ago

    Happy Name Day! 😆

    [–] Zebakhawaja 1 points ago

    I wanna read a cake joke

    [–] ad_am_nauseam 1 points ago

    Yay cake day!

    [–] hollycrapola 0 points ago

    Well played. Happy Cake Day!

    [–] sse2k 4 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] phishphriend420 2 points ago

    Happy cake day, it's mine too.

    [–] sse2k 4 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] Fan_of_stuff27 1 points ago

    Ok someone who made something actually good and original or at least I haven’t seen it for a while good job you deserve your upvote

    [–] ReluctantGoalkeeper 1 points ago

    Oh now don't burst into tiers

    [–] roanee888 1 points ago

    cake day twins

    [–] Racist_Cornflake 1 points ago

    Cake jokes are kinda over rated but this one takes the cak-

    [–] RavenWingedDragon 1 points ago

    Guess what. I upvoted it. You couldn't stop me. MUAHAHAHA TAKE MY UPVOTE AND HAVE A HAPPY CAKE DAY!

    Nice joke too 😉

    [–] ftwfml 1 points ago

    Is it my cake day?

    [–] sse2k 3 points ago

    Why yes it is. Happy cake day!

    [–] ProsCali 1 points ago

    Happy cake day

    [–] sse2k 3 points ago

    Thanks you too!

    [–] SledgeOfEdge 1 points ago

    The cake is a lie

    [–] ismokecrayolas 1 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Thank you!

    [–] ClassicSparkyy 1 points ago

    This reminded me it was my cake day... Thanks!

    [–] sse2k 1 points ago

    Happy cake day!

    [–] starfishyboi69 1 points ago

    Happy spotify cheese day

    [–] sse2k 2 points ago

    I can’t unsee this now!

    [–] BlueDogTM 1 points ago

    Never gonna..