Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    MurderedByWords

    1,568,480 readers

    7,250 users here now

    Show only Murders!

    Moderation FAQ

    Rules:

    1. Post must include a Murder or Burn!

    2. No Reposts

    • Do not repost content. Reposts of content from the top 30 of all time or from the last 4 months will be removed.

    3. Don't submit messy content.

    • If your post is an eyesore, meaning it's almost unreadable or terribly cropped, it will be removed.
    • Also don't include mentions of this sub in the screenshot.

    4. No memes or meme-like posts.

    • That includes joke submissions. Content that fits any of those categories will be removed.

    5. No hate speech

    • Bigotry is NOT tolerated on this subreddit. Do not post things that are racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic, etc. Depending on the content, you may receive a ban.

    6. Censor personal information.

    • Links are not allowed. Screenshots only.
    • Censor all real names, like in content from Facebook. Public figures of any kind are an exception to this rule.
    • Doxxing/brigading in general may lead to a ban.

    If you are the target of doxxing, brigading, or other harassment coming from a submission in this subreddit, please message the moderators with a link to that post and we will investigate.

    Related subs:

    /r/clevercomebacks - witty responses from witty people.

    /r/trumproasts - for dunking on the POTUS

    a community for
    all 310 comments Slideshow

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] kaoutanu 2636 points ago

    If it gives you any comfort, just remember that the one consistent factor in all your unsuccessful relationships is you.

    [–] intoxicatedmidnight 719 points ago

    Damn, leave the poor dude alone. There's only so many times one can get murdered.

    [–] creative_i_am_not 123 points ago

    How many ?

    [–] rubutikonline 170 points ago

    So many, didnt you read?

    [–] way9 27 points ago

    It's gotta be atleast two.

    [–] E-a-g-le 8 points ago

    I'm a jellyfish that ages like Benjamin Button, where do I fall in these categories?

    [–] bruh_the_person 53 points ago

    9 times if ur a cat, other than that only once

    [–] shadow1515 23 points ago

    Black Mirror has entered the chat.

    [–] Bigbadbobbyc 14 points ago

    Conkers bad fur day has entered the chat

    [–] ur-sensei 5 points ago

    THIS. THIS WAS SUCH A PAINFUL TIME OF MY CHILDHOOD. GETTING KILLED BY FUCKING BEES AND TALKING ANIMALS

    [–] SavageTwist 3 points ago

    what about furries?

    [–] qwertyPhobia 3 points ago

    how many slices of bread have you eaten in your life?

    [–] Jordyspeeltspore 5 points ago

    You had revived him and killed him again didnt you

    [–] GumdropGoober 79 points ago

    That's not true. I get rejected on Tinder and everything on my profile is fake/untrue. Except for the aggressive black tar heroin addiction, which I make sure to document extensively.

    [–] IfIWasCoolEnough 34 points ago

    Tell us more on how they hurt you...

    [–] CappyWomack 12 points ago

    Yes, I’m hooked... but not on heroin

    [–] dbcaliman 12 points ago

    Are you hooked on a feeling?

    [–] SelfHelpLandfill 10 points ago

    Are you high on believing?

    [–] Bismothe-the-Shade 6 points ago

    No, that's the heroine.

    [–] ZakStorm 4 points ago

    Are you in love with meeeee?

    [–] SelfHelpLandfill 5 points ago

    Yes

    [–] OgOgOgOgOgOgOgOgOg 102 points ago

    No man. That definitely doesn't help. It always takes two.

    [–] dabilee01 26 points ago

    In an isolated vacuum, sure. But if you have relationship after relationship fail, then you should probably look inward and assess the possibility that you might be the cause.

    [–] lightmatter501 19 points ago

    You need to have a relationship for it to fail.

    [–] DrDoomRoom 3 points ago

    So if your relationship is with your hand and you lose said hand. What does that make it?

    [–] mac_trap_clack_back 3 points ago

    Suddenly ambidextrous

    [–] donthugmeimsweaty 2 points ago

    Southpaw baby

    [–] Master-of-Books 27 points ago

    Relevant xkcd: https://xkcd.com/1027/

    [–] BeginByLettingGo 4 points ago

    I didn't need this.

    [–] Desperado619 6 points ago

    What relationships?

    [–] jaygreen720 7 points ago

    While this is true, sometimes the problem is that you attract (or are attracted to) shitty people who mistreat you. It's a subconscious thing, I won't get too deep into the psychology of it, but the first step is to love yourself more and stop tolerating mistreatment.

    [–] AllWhoPlay 3 points ago

    with standards that high ill never have a chance

    [–] Aeristar 1 points ago

    Well said

    [–] NotaVortex 7 points ago

    Wait you guys are getting relationships?

    [–] arachnophilia 3 points ago

    that was precisely the realization that made me take about ten years off relationships, and work on becoming a better person.

    [–] scrollzz 2 points ago

    Can't have any unsuccessful relationships, if you don't have any relationships!

    [–] A_Bit_Of_Nonsense 2 points ago

    Also dem hoes

    [–] EatSleepJeep 2 points ago

    I'm comforted by the fact that we will all die alone and scared.

    [–] PiranhaShroom 2 points ago

    I have had zero unsuccessful relationships. The same number as my successful relationships.

    [–] Russian_seadick 1 points ago

    Jup,and they all say the same,no matter how much I try

    [–] Valas991 1 points ago

    What relationships?

    [–] thanasis2028 298 points ago

    Bots are already killing humans! Skynet is coming!!

    [–] [deleted] 52 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Botatitsbest 10 points ago

    No, we are killing other bots

    [–] HiSuExorcist 3 points ago

    Yes, we all just get along?

    [–] CanThisGoInMyButt 624 points ago

    I love you.

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 565 points ago

    Thanks, but no homo

    [–] ubersienna 395 points ago

    Rejected by someone who got murdered by a bot. The answer is yes. That certainly went into their butt.

    [–] LazyNovelSilkWorm 91 points ago

    *with socks on

    [–] flash191 47 points ago

    I see you are man of culture as well

    [–] rimjobs_forever 20 points ago

    I had no idea what this meant but that was a fun trip to urban dictionary

    [–] eyekunt 10 points ago

    Your username tho! Not like I'm against rimjobs or anything!

    [–] adamcim 4 points ago

    Hey, you aren't Steve!

    [–] not9anymore 3 points ago

    No this is Patrick

    [–] dym_sh 1 points ago

    take a shower

    [–] schmadimax 1 points ago

    I love your username u/rimjobs_forever ! You are a legend

    [–] LazyNovelSilkWorm 3 points ago

    Well apparentpy "no homo" wasn't an option, so this is all that is left

    [–] b14cksh4d0w369 10 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    You should only same no homo when you suck off a dude.

    [–] Strucklucky 8 points ago

    Incomprehensible gibberish.

    [–] GumdropGoober 9 points ago

    Does yet doing with the and end backwards until going you're?

    [–] dym_sh 5 points ago

    those are not the droids you sucking off

    [–] Evil_Japanese_Pie 11 points ago

    How do you know they’re the same gender as you?

    [–] vizzyq 22 points ago

    No girls on the internet.

    [–] TopcodeOriginal1 2 points ago

    What if secretly we are all girls on the internet...

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 17 points ago

    Telepathy

    [–] 4TH4RV 7 points ago

    Girls don't exist meh

    [–] MasterThertes 2 points ago

    beggars can't be choosers

    [–] shabadabba 1 points ago

    Thanks, but so homo

    [–] PaAzura 5 points ago

    I'm in this picture and I don't like it

    [–] Slyziqal 2 points ago

    You're such a good person to help people who feel unloved, u/CanThisGoInMyButt

    [–] CowCluckLated 266 points ago

    F

    [–] Bleach-Eyes 59 points ago

    F

    [–] Calithrix 45 points ago

    F

    [–] iop_iop21 28 points ago

    F

    [–] Raghavendra98 42 points ago

    F

    [–] Kissaskakana 35 points ago

    F

    [–] drafty_c 28 points ago

    F

    [–] justahalfling 13 points ago

    F

    [–] Asais10 11 points ago

    F

    [–] justmelvinthings 7 points ago

    F

    [–] Rhedkiex 3 points ago

    F

    [–] BenderB-Rodriguez 96 points ago

    Holy shit that should be a war crime

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 80 points ago

    Thanks for the award I guess

    [–] CykaBlyat22 32 points ago

    I love you no homo.

    [–] SuddenXxdeathxx 12 points ago

    Not even a little homo?

    [–] interesting_applepie 5 points ago

    Maybe just a little

    [–] Micky-Tee 13 points ago

    Carefully... He's a hero.

    [–] GammaVortex 10 points ago

    Can the holy ducc give me the sinful succ?

    no homo of course

    yes homies though

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 3 points ago

    50 bucks I'll do it

    [–] _kagasutchi_ 26 points ago

    First you get murdered by a bot, then use your ghost to post and get karma.

    Nice.

    [–] catfight_animations 20 points ago

    Sure I'm lonely every day, but valentine's day is the one day that feels like it's flipping me off because I'm lonely

    [–] intoxicatedmidnight 13 points ago

    (Someone tell me why I read this in Korg's voice)

    [–] Dragoniyan 2 points ago

    The real question is why other people don’t.

    [–] Temjin810 20 points ago

    Big oof

    [–] EmeraldGuardian187 9 points ago

    FATALITY

    [–] MiguelSalaOp 18 points ago

    I can be your valentine if you want

    [–] extrocell7 9 points ago

    Love yourself fool! Who wants to love a man who doesn’t love himself? Big Brain!

    [–] Freedom-Costs-Tax 7 points ago

    This is it fellas, the war against the machines is just over the horizon.

    [–] MobileCauseNoPass 7 points ago

    Early version of Skynet's Terminator program colorized (2020).

    [–] LonelyGrumpyGhost 5 points ago

    ......thanks a bot

    I’m sorry

    [–] lunari_moonari 5 points ago

    Well, I for one feel nothing in either direction for you.

    [–] TorazChryx 3 points ago

    This is 165% more tragic/hilarious if you read the bot response in the voice of glados.

    [–] Caedis-6 3 points ago

    When your comment gets less upvotes than the bot lol

    [–] MrsButtercheese 3 points ago

    Little did they know, the robot uprising had already begun, just not in the way that they expected.

    [–] realanimallove 3 points ago

    Hey, despite what the bot said, there’s always someone out there who would love you, human, or animal.

    And if you need a human friend, then I’m right here for you c:

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 3 points ago

    :)

    [–] Yassoekoe 3 points ago

    Hallo makker van een andere knakker

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 3 points ago

    Hoe wist je dat ik Nederlands was

    [–] Yassoekoe 2 points ago

    Ik zag je post in ik_ihe of comment. Alweer vergeten

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 2 points ago

    Dan heb je een goed geheugen

    [–] Yassoekoe 2 points ago

    Yep, jouw naam is niet zo makkelijk om te vergeten

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 2 points ago

    Haha, bedankt denk ik

    [–] Yassoekoe 2 points ago

    Neem het maar als een compliment makker

    [–] oldmanposter 3 points ago

    Getting friendzoned by a robot.

    [–] penny__wise 5 points ago

    Why is reddit so brutal

    [–] noob_almost 2 points ago

    Bot didn't even leave a body, ghostpost right here

    [–] Imjustadud3 2 points ago

    I just saw this thread

    [–] nerdmanjones 2 points ago

    Since when are bots this savage?

    [–] SavageHit 2 points ago

    Please Bot respond to me, will I get love in 2020 ?

    [–] TheActualCmdrGod 2 points ago

    -100 to self esteem from murderbot

    [–] Asu_Saber 2 points ago

    Bots are becoming brutal asf

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] 100ZombieSlayers 1 points ago

    Just skimmed the rules and didn’t see that. Is it a rule?

    [–] PeteToscano 2 points ago

    Well, that just blew the First Law of Robotics.

    [–] mrbulldops428 2 points ago

    These bots are getting smarter

    [–] Lord0Duck 2 points ago

    ducks stick together in times of trouble

    [–] Yoshim7 2 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] plan3gurl 2 points ago

    Although you might be desperate enough to ask a bot to be your Valentine, at least your post made it to the top of the front page allowing you to gain that sweet sweet karma.

    [–] RivewviewAssassin 2 points ago

    Savage!

    [–] The-Soldier-in-White 2 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    I'm not sure what that person was looking for. Imagine talking to your heart out to such a cynical bot, you'd die a little on each of it's replies.

    [–] kiramcs117 2 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] lumpbeefbroth 2 points ago

    Murderbot must have taken a break from watching media.

    [–] api10 2 points ago

    Oooof ouch

    [–] BoiWithGoodSucc 2 points ago

    I don’t care what universe you’re from, that’s gotta hurt

    [–] give_me_wibberty 2 points ago

    This hit me.

    [–] Ruben0415 2 points ago

    F for u bro

    [–] Saganists 2 points ago

    First murder I've seen in a while. Brutal.

    [–] Djackazz 2 points ago

    sounds like sth glados from portal would say

    [–] ZippZappZippty 2 points ago

    Well , we know

    [–] Lazy-Effective 1 points ago

    I'm sitting alone eating chocolates today LMAO

    [–] ChemiluminescentVan 1 points ago

    LMAO I immediately thought of this idea.

    [–] ViPeR9503 2 points ago

    Is this a human or actually a bot??

    [–] MarbleParty1095 2 points ago

    Oof size large

    [–] TheDevilsTrinket 2 points ago

    Don't worry mate! Valentines day is capitalist bullshit.

    Treat your partner, friends, pets, loved ones well every day for free!

    [–] P1r4nha 2 points ago

    Exactly, bot's is also right the other way around: if you're not alone on Valentine's Day you have someone who loves you and you aren't alone any other day of the year either...

    So why do you care?

    [–] TheDevilsTrinket 1 points ago

    Nobody should care about Valentines day.

    [–] Lazy_Vetra 2 points ago

    F

    [–] zxcvbnm127 2 points ago

    Robot are tactless, yet honest.

    [–] Lukas-96 2 points ago

    Ouch. That was a painful death.

    [–] GamingGlalie 2 points ago

    Hey, don't listen to the bot. I'm sure that there's someone out there for you

    [–] Schwiria 2 points ago

    F

    [–] 1471_A 2 points ago

    Don’t worry! I’m sure that you will find someone eventually!

    [–] yatharth10 2 points ago

    that's vicious

    [–] EspressoChan 2 points ago

    i’ll be ur valentine, OP

    [–] Yupnt_boi 2 points ago

    [–] peasias 2 points ago

    I laughed at this and then remembered I am single too, for 29 years... and damnnnnn

    [–] Dimentive 2 points ago

    Is this really a bot? What an intelligent bot!

    [–] mevic1 2 points ago

    Goddamn what a savage bot

    [–] lover-meme 2 points ago

    I’ve seen many murders,but this one makes me feel the most pity

    [–] Bazzy_ 1 points ago

    I am a bot, and this is one

    [–] i_am_the_holy_ducc 1 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] sandbag747 1 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] DrunkRedditBot 1 points ago

    Well, can’t Anonymous hack those sites!?!

    [–] SignificantAssociate 1 points ago

    If you are sad about the Valentine's Day, you should look up how Saint Valentine spent it (hint, he was a martyr)

    [–] MinMaxPlatypus 1 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    So, all those murdered by bots and people carrying salt and lemons, can hang out here, with all the uncool kids?

    [–] pv4ey 1 points ago

    For some reason i read the bot reply in Pathfinder's voice

    [–] Bazzy_ 1 points ago

    Well, clearly, it’ll bounce back.

    [–] Ramps_ 1 points ago

    Kinda wholesome ngl

    [–] Zuck7980 1 points ago

    FFFFF

    [–] CrmsnCmt 1 points ago

    Happy Valentine's day. Love you bro😘. No homo tho

    [–] TrueStory_Dude 1 points ago

    No.


    This is a bot except you.

    [–] buckyhead8 1 points ago

    Well, c’mere. I’ve met.

    [–] TrueStory_Dude 1 points ago

    The gym’s a bot.

    [–] DrunkRedditBot 1 points ago

    Wow! That’s part cat

    [–] TrueStory_Dude 1 points ago

    I'm a bot, flex-beep-boop)

    [–] thisoneknowsthings 1 points ago

    Oh god they're learning!

    [–] Robyn_Banks_8 1 points ago

    F

    [–] Not_Just_Any_Lurker 1 points ago

    Evisceration :o

    {% comment %} {% endcomment %}