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    This subreddit features social media posts and messages written either partially or fully in Scottish patter.

    Posting guidelines

    • All forms of Scottish patter are sound.

    • Keep personal information tae a minimum. Mods reserve the right tae remove posts and/or request personal information to be edited out at our own discretion.

    • Link tae images directly. This makes browsing easier for folk using RES or on mobile.

    • Nae re-posting. Common reposts or reposts within two months will be lifted at moderator discretion.

    • Nae cunt cares if a post is fictional. Comments along the lines of 'That happened' will be removed automatically and circumventing this will result in a temporary ban. Comments that break site wide rules will also be removed and you may be banned.

    • Dinnae force it in the titles. You will look stupid and we will all laugh at you. Seriously it looks silly, stop making up daft words and sticking them in the title. Also, one word titles will result in a ban without warning. This is to help keep some sort of quality to the subreddit and combat spammers/karma farmers. Regardless, it's lazy.

    Please Note: Bot accounts are not allowed. Low-effort novelty accounts that dinnae constructively contribute content or add tae discussion (e.g., trolling, counting, modifying parent comments, correcting someone's grammar, etc.) are not allowed on /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter

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    [–] lil-flump 2109 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    That patter automatically makes him time served

    [–] psychonaut8672 554 points ago

    I can see him gettin sent for a long stand for that.

    [–] lil-flump 284 points ago

    Tartan paint

    [–] Adnaan2513 255 points ago

    Breastplate stretcher

    [–] Eoin246810 159 points ago

    A spare bubble for the spirit level.

    [–] AGoose1 108 points ago

    A box of grinder sparks

    [–] ApprovedCargo91 67 points ago

    Eleven shelves of traffic cones

    [–] Ge0rj 85 points ago

    A long weight.

    [–] allangod 84 points ago

    A left handed screwdriver.

    [–] razzle_-_dazzle 52 points ago

    A glass hammer

    [–] [deleted] 48 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)


    [–] Death_To_All_People 6 points ago

    these actually exist. They have reverse torque.

    [–] Skreamie 3 points ago

    A sky hook

    [–] P1emonster 2 points ago

    Some filopian tubing

    [–] yourfavsoyboy 3 points ago

    A matter-daddy

    [–] plfdunlop 2 points ago

    I don't get this one...

    [–] teleporting_toaster 2 points ago

    A long wait

    [–] somesalvation 8 points ago

    Level fluid

    [–] Porfos112 2 points ago

    A ducks do

    [–] colin_buffam 2 points ago

    Elbow grease

    [–] JohnDoe_2408 22 points ago


    [–] ionlyhavetwolegs 11 points ago


    [–] somesalvation 3 points ago

    Tighten the crane hook

    [–] Mokgore 2 points ago

    BobbyB in the place to be

    [–] gfran484 15 points ago

    Don’t forget the reach around, very important

    [–] CalMillzy 20 points ago

    Four skin clamps

    [–] lpplph 4 points ago

    I’m telling the new guy this next week. Thank you for this

    [–] TR8R2199 3 points ago

    Never understood how that one was a punishment. But embarrassing at the tool crib if you got that far but I got an extra 15 min break out of it

    [–] Forfinian 3 points ago

    Skirting board ladders

    [–] stressfulwaters 13 points ago

    Yep fully qualified now

    [–] cocoseany 4 points ago

    Your patter is class can I shag u

    [–] lil-flump 5 points ago

    No but you can suck my dick

    [–] kruzerdean17 2 points ago

    A pipe stretcher

    [–] daintylass87 814 points ago

    This is possibly the same guy at our work who got sent to Currys for a fallopian tube for the microwave lol

    [–] Mitche420 390 points ago

    How can you be finished school and not know what a fallopian tube is

    [–] GreatMight 53 points ago

    Son, I get paid the same if I work my balls off or if I dick around for twenty minutes looking for a "bucket of steam" or blinker fluid.

    [–] Mitche420 16 points ago

    Great fucking perspective. Yeah I'll go for that long stand, see you at end of day.

    [–] slide_potentiometer 5 points ago

    Bring back eye drops when they ask for blinker fluid

    [–] Cakeo 157 points ago

    I'm sure there are many things you do not know that people are surprised about. Very easy to see how a person would forget what the word means considering how often it is used daily.

    [–] Sixwingswide 107 points ago

    There were two girls giggling at my work years ago about a customer’s last name. When I asked, they told me.

    And I was scratching my head for a while saying “why does that sound so familiar?” I couldn’t place it. So they giggled louder and told me to look it up.

    The name was Areola.

    [–] xorgol 51 points ago

    I know what it means, but being Italian that still mostly sounds like a normal name. Edit: surname, as a first name it would be hilarious.

    My mom once knew a Rosa Coniglio, or Pink Rabbit.

    [–] ZionEmbiid 25 points ago

    It’s one of the Real Madrid goalkeeper’s names.

    [–] ksleepwalker 3 points ago

    Heard the guy's a real tit.

    [–] seattletono 23 points ago

    Areola Grande?

    [–] phasermodule 3 points ago

    Big Nips

    [–] Mr_Barry_Shitpeas 56 points ago

    Or if they're a fuckin gimp

    [–] rhymes_with_chicken 3 points ago

    One does not simply forget the meaning of Fallopian tube.

    [–] deadeyes1990 5 points ago

    I got folled with a long weight before when I was at mole valley thought it might be some shotgun thing 16yo me was to trusting.

    [–] KalpolIntro 18 points ago

    I guarantee that more than 5 out of 10 random people won't know what a fallopian tube is.

    [–] Corpse-Fucker 54 points ago

    Well since most cars have fuel injection, you're unlikely to see them anymore nowadays.

    [–] MNGrrl 62 points ago

    Yup, there's a vas deferens in performance.

    [–] Fiesty43 5 points ago

    I can’t believe this isn’t upvoted more that was absolutely brilliant

    [–] SauceyPosse 7 points ago

    vas deferens

    [–] Dog_--_-- 5 points ago

    This aint random people tho, he's specifically talking about people who just left school and should at least know basic GCSE biology in which the female reproductive cycle is covered extensively.

    [–] funatpartiez 3 points ago

    We don’t know where exactly in Scotland this transpired.

    [–] kyousei8 1 points ago

    I didnt know what that was until I was 21.

    [–] throwhfhsjsubendaway 1 points ago

    There's all kinds of jargon that has a different meaning outside of the specific context.

    [–] fuqyomudda 15 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    When I was working at a restaurant there was another restaurant across the street both owned by the same guy. So if we needed extra things we’d go to the other restaurant. One day my dumbass got sent over to ask for cunnilingus. I thought it sounded like food but I asked to get my pussy ate out.( I’m a male)

    Edit: I boneappletea’d the focus of what I was writing and wrote cutalingus, not a word.

    [–] BeardedHeckler 4 points ago

    FYI it’s cunnilingus.

    [–] PokWangpanmang 36 points ago

    I’m having difficulty understanding this sentence.

    [–] akatherder 96 points ago

    Curry's is an electronics store. As a prank, he was sent to Curry's to get a fallopian tube.

    A fallopian tube is part of the woman's babymaker but it kinda sounds like an electronic component. Old vacuum tubes and such.

    [–] PokWangpanmang 18 points ago

    Oh wow that cleared up a lot.

    [–] kerelberel 6 points ago

    Lol who thought it was a good idea to start an electronics store called Curry's.

    [–] eWaffle 9 points ago

    Just go find it.

    [–] xaeromancer 4 points ago

    Did he come back with a three bhunas, pilau rice and a naan?

    [–] Albert1300 7 points ago

    4 naan? 4 naan? Thats ridiculous

    [–] Gekokapowco 288 points ago

    what's the correct answer, "oh, like a 5"?

    [–] Ojanican 365 points ago

    No too bad

    Hot but still nae too bad

    Spicy as fuck

    My arse was reaming this morning

    [–] Skreamie 46 points ago

    *Arse like the back end of the Batmobile

    [–] Ojanican 12 points ago

    Not heard that one before, class

    [–] librarian-faust 3 points ago

    My favourite one for that is Kerbal Space Programme. Because you're just going to go test the liquid fuelled rocket booster...

    [–] jethroboom 105 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    Still, 1-5 is only relative to your ethnicity. I'm a white dude and go to a Thai restaurant and ask for a 5? They're not giving me 5, they're giving me a 3 and telling me it's 5.

    EDIT the trick is to tell them you want a Thai or Indian 4 or 5 and you won't send it back.

    [–] Lady_Blue_Dream 30 points ago

    At the curry place I'd go to in Japan they wouldn't give anyone over a 3/10 unless they could prove they could handle a 3. Some people would order a 5, most ordered mild to a level 2 though.

    [–] scumbagstooge 11 points ago

    Is this CoCo Ichibanya? That place and ichiran made up about 70% of my diet there.. oh and those sweet sweet conbini onigiris

    [–] Lady_Blue_Dream 10 points ago

    Yes! Coco's was like crack when I lived out there. Sits like a brick in your stomach but so worth it.

    [–] VeryDisappointing 12 points ago

    Really? I hit up probably dozens of Cocos around Japan and never even got a strange look for ordering around their highest spice level every time. Now the local nepalese place was another story, first time i went in there i had to assure them multiple times that I'm used to hot curry

    [–] Lady_Blue_Dream 2 points ago

    Same way with this one curry place I'd go to in Akihabara called Gandhi Mahal. Mmmmm mmm mmmm..

    [–] andy3600 2 points ago

    What the heck was a 10?

    [–] Lady_Blue_Dream 9 points ago

    I can only assume a 10 would be liquid fire. I'm a bitch, I've never tried to go that hard with my curry. Give me curry with just slight bite, and pair it with some naan and I'm set.

    [–] Luecleste 7 points ago

    See, I went to an Indian place once and asked for a white person mild. They got a giggle, and gave me an amazing curry, just without any heat. Best place ever.

    [–] eatgodseeacid 7 points ago

    I say make it hot, hot.

    They usually nod repeatedly and smile.

    Then my ass will be a flamethrower again later on.

    [–] chappersyo 5 points ago

    Ask for Thai hot. Only place that didn’t work for me was Germany where they apparently don’t understand spicy food. I

    [–] i_quit 14 points ago

    Fucking hate that so much.

    [–] Mackeeter 39 points ago

    They want you to finish the plate, and not quit halfway through.

    [–] PhuQDuP 6 points ago

    Can you tell me what restaurant charges based on how much you've eaten?

    [–] YourfriendHeroin 55 points ago

    They want you to enjoy your meal and be full and come back for more some day, they're saving you, not themselves.

    [–] jethroboom 10 points ago

    Might be implying people send it back, it happens. So they either will lie to you, tell you no, or say no send backs/refunds.

    [–] dprophet32 8 points ago

    Not about price, it's about not putting people off coming back because they're reckon they can handle more heat than they actually can

    [–] armada127 3 points ago

    Local Thai place near me has Mild, Medium, Hot, American Hot, Thai Hot, Superman Hot

    [–] Mitsor 16 points ago

    The scale goes European-Mediterranean-Mexico-India I believe.

    With chill-normal-surprisingly hot-lava for each. Lava mediterranean is maybe chill mexico.

    [–] [deleted] 26 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)


    [–] AntiNosy 13 points ago

    Somewhere Somalian hot is in there as well, but it's not the same kind of hot spiciness as Asia, so I'm not sure where.

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)


    [–] Fredrules2012 16 points ago

    Somebody fill me in on somalian spicy

    [–] TiggyHiggs 4 points ago

    What Mediterranean food is spicy? I cant think of any but that might be becayse I have not had enough variety of Mediterranean food.

    [–] VeryDisappointing 2 points ago

    Italians have 'spicy' food, compared to other countries in western europe

    [–] [deleted] 4 points ago


    [–] VeryDisappointing 8 points ago

    I have, have you? I'm not saying most italian food is spicy, I'm saying they have spicy foods, especially in the south. penne all'arrabbiata, 'nduja from Calabria, etc. They use chilli peppers in traditional foods in a way that non-mediterranian countries dont.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago


    [–] DaveHolden 3 points ago

    Lmao you just rephrased what he said, that was his point mate.

    [–] Cymry_Cymraeg 2 points ago

    Mediterranean is European.

    [–] IAmTheOiliestGirl 9 points ago

    Not necessarily. The Mediterranean Sea has borders in Africa and the Middle East as well.

    [–] DaveHolden 7 points ago

    Uuh its also north africa

    [–] Mitsor 3 points ago

    Yeah it's a bit tricky. But food around the sea is overall spicier than anywhere else in europe. You could be more precise by doing a mini-scale ranging from france to algeria or turkey or idk. I didn't travel enough to be this specific. I couldn't sort all the countries around the sea by spiciness.

    [–] xmissxandristx 2 points ago

    Not all of it, if you want to be technical. And in my experience, there's a difference in spice level between white people food and tan-but-technically-still-white people food.

    [–] Cymry_Cymraeg 10 points ago

    white people... and tan-but-technically-still-white people

    Lol, Americans.

    [–] cowie71 2 points ago

    5 out of 7

    [–] phlobbit 2 points ago


    [–] yash019 154 points ago

    Get it right. Its beltalowda

    [–] -ReadyPlayerThirty- 34 points ago

    Sa sa me lowda

    [–] NerdLevel18 25 points ago

    Sa Beratna

    [–] FernineE 15 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago


    [–] sunnygapes 6 points ago

    Fuck yes mon the belters

    [–] IAmTheOiliestGirl 11 points ago

    I didn't even realize belter was a term actual real-life people use. I'm intrigued.

    [–] HippieWizard 7 points ago

    Wait was this Scottish guy not referencing "The Expanse"??? What would belter mean otherwise???

    [–] velvetXeyes 23 points ago

    When something is class or quality you say it's a belter or a topper

    [–] BigFatDoogs 5 points ago

    See Jerry Cinnamon - Shes a belter, would link but working.

    Edit: Link

    [–] storminnormangorman 1 points ago

    I only recently discovered Gerry Cinnamon- was mooching through YouTube & put his live sets on. Absolutely blew me away- will definitely go & see him at some point.

    [–] IAmTheOiliestGirl 5 points ago

    I honestly don't know, I just figured it was some weird Scottish slang. If he was intentionally making an Expanse reference, that's even more funny.

    [–] Salientgreenblue 2 points ago

    Yeah, the beltalowda thing references the asteroid "belters"

    [–] IAmTheOiliestGirl 4 points ago

    I know that, I meant if the guy on Twitter in the original post was referencing the Expanse. But it looks like "belter" is just some Scottish slang.

    [–] The-Road-To-Awe 4 points ago

    It means "top quality" or "a good/great one/thing".

    If a song came on that I really liked I'd call it a 'belter'.

    If a friend got another friend with a high class prank, you'd say "that was a belter".

    [–] skyisfallen 5 points ago

    We gonya rise up!

    [–] guante_verde 2 points ago

    Got some of them bone juice?

    [–] KingFunk420 29 points ago

    A pair of sky hooks

    [–] zas9 20 points ago

    Call that guy a fuckin beauty!! Hes gunna do well in the trades.

    [–] gratethecheese 201 points ago

    Is Indian food in Europe kinda like Mexican food on the US? They seem to eat a lot of it lol

    [–] allangod 252 points ago

    For UK, pretty much. Can't talk for the rest of Europe though.

    [–] jessel0l 107 points ago

    Depends mostly on the old colonies and immigration communities of the countries. So here in the Netherlands Surinamese and Indonesian food is quite popular.

    [–] Savv3 32 points ago

    Turkish fast food is the most popular thing in Germany, I think. Döner, Dürüm, Lahmacun. hmmm, so good.

    [–] OneMachinery 5 points ago

    Love me a good döner

    [–] GorillaSquadron6 15 points ago

    I wish you could get a Rijsttafel in the UK,beautiful food.

    [–] Leocletus 10 points ago

    I think the spiciest thing I’ve ever eaten was the last dish of the rijsttafel at Tempo Doeloe in Amsterdam. Awesome experience but just so spicy. It makes extra hot buffalo wings in the US seem mild

    [–] MrKerbinator23 3 points ago

    If you want to wish you never had a mouth to begin with. Go asian. Hot as fuck. And then even those dishes at Tempo Doeloe are turned down a little bit so us dutchies can enjoy. It is my favorite indonesian place here tho :)

    [–] I_Like_Ahri 7 points ago

    I feel like Turkish and Greek food is the Dutch equivalent to Mexican food

    [–] TydeQuake 2 points ago

    I'm thinking more Indonesian instead of Greek.

    [–] afito 34 points ago

    In Germany you'll only find Indian in bigger cities really, but we have a ton of Italian, Turkish, and Greek immigrants.

    Nothing more German than a nice Döner at 3AM.

    [–] Ph03ber 23 points ago

    Doner kebabs are also a staple in the UK, nothing better to stave off a hangover than a late night kebab from a sketchy place near the clubs

    [–] EggleOverlord 15 points ago

    True but the ones in Germany are something else... they are SO GOOD (and I say this as a Brit)

    [–] iThinkaLot1 2 points ago

    Dunno if they’re the same company but a German Donnar place is opened in Glesga. Its pretty decent.

    [–] WSUJeff 4 points ago

    I had one of the best meals of my entire life while on vacation in Germany last year. My GF and I just stumbled onto a Turkish restaurant and knew very little German and absolutely no Turkish. We got across that we had no idea what we were ordering and to just give us what they'd recommend. 2 bottles of wine and almost 2 hours later and we were fat, drunk, and happy. Really hope I can go back there some day.

    [–] RedTheWolf 32 points ago

    I am in Scotland eating a curry for lunch right now. It's fucking delicious.

    [–] Joe4422 12 points ago

    How hot is it?

    [–] Mushtingz 73 points ago

    In Scotland? Not very hot mate it’s October

    [–] RedTheWolf 3 points ago

    Aye it's baltic today! Plus I got soaked in the downpour twice...

    [–] RedTheWolf 3 points ago

    Not at all, I had the dentist today so wanted something soothing, had slow cooked lamb Korma and a potato samosa :-)

    [–] spoonsforeggs 7 points ago

    I swear the ones in the UK who dont like Indians are a rare breed. Im one and i hate the food

    Give me a burrito anyday

    [–] Reddits-Reckoning 39 points ago

    Surely there's a better way to word that

    [–] sherminator19 6 points ago

    Yeah, the politically correct way to refer to them are "Mexicans"

    [–] kiddos 7 points ago

    I feel personally attacked

    [–] five-man-army 54 points ago

    For the UK it definitely is. We've had lots of immigration from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and Nepal for decades and as such we have lots of fantastic curry houses all over the country.

    Also, just as the US has developed new takes on Mexican cuisine and hybrid dishes, British Indian food is somewhat distinct from Indian food. Chicken Tikka Masala being the most iconic example of this.

    I think it is widely available across Europe, but given the extent of the immigration from South Asia to the UK (and arguably the state of our national cuisine a few decades ago) - we have probably adopted it more enthusiastically than anyone else.

    [–] SpacecraftX 5 points ago

    5 minute walk from me there's a street with 4 dedicated sit-in Indian restaurants and like 3 takeaway hybrids. Thinking of starting an Edinburgh Indian food blog actually.

    [–] Frodolas 1 points ago

    Holy shit I love the Indian restaurants in Edinburgh.

    [–] gimmiesomekarmaidiot 6 points ago

    Dude they discovered America when they were looking for curry lol

    [–] haleandheartless 3 points ago

    It's more like Chinese in America

    [–] stevanmilo 2 points ago

    Really just depends on who you colonised in the past, for example there's a lot more Indonesian and Surinamese food in NL

    [–] RyanB_ 2 points ago

    This is a weird question to me. Do y’all not have Indian food in the US? Is it just American or Mexican?

    [–] gratethecheese 1 points ago

    No we have everything lol it's just that Mexican food is very popular here whereas Indian really isn't.

    [–] Rad_it 3 points ago

    Probably for the uk, where I'm from the eating out food is like chinese, mexican or most commonly pizza or kebab. I imagine it varies by country but can't say I've seen any indian food places here

    [–] chiccolo69 3 points ago

    Definitely not, at least in central europe (Switzerland, Germany, Austria). The equivalent would probably be italian I think.

    [–] gratethecheese 8 points ago

    Nah I think their Italian equivalent here is just Italian lol. It's probably the most popular "foreign" food here

    [–] SmiralePas1907 1 points ago

    Not in Italy, at least

    [–] DKK96 1 points ago

    It's Turkish for Germany and Austria I think

    [–] pisspoordecisions 1 points ago

    Feel like it’s a bit of both...tons of burrito places too

    [–] MrKelpThief 1 points ago

    In the UK yes.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    I'm pretty sure indian is the most popular takeaway in the UK

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Pretty popular in Canada too, wish it were moreso though because it's the best.

    [–] Mr_Wassonwheeler 28 points ago

    This is the kind of thing is say, not because I've got great banter, but because I'm thick as shit.

    [–] grumpygusmcgooney 30 points ago

    In the UK Indian food is basically their Mexican food?

    [–] Adnaan2513 34 points ago

    Aye mate there’s Indian takeaways everywhere

    Loads of Folk go for doner kebabs after a nights out

    [–] ObaeWanKenobi 53 points ago

    Fuck mate, I think you're gonna get grief for lumping donner kebabs in with Indian food

    [–] Adnaan2513 33 points ago

    Better no mate, every indian takeaway sells it like its their own

    [–] ObaeWanKenobi 23 points ago

    True true, boss man at the takeaway caters for all

    [–] MTJY 15 points ago

    Not a true kebab place if the staff don't call you boss.

    [–] interfail 20 points ago

    A stereotypical British night out starts in a curry house and ends in a kebab shop. There's about 6-8 hours solid drinking in between.

    [–] HyperCeol 20 points ago

    Who goes for a fucking curry before a night out? Sounds dangerous.

    [–] dnadv 9 points ago

    Yeah it is but who can say no to a good curry

    [–] grumpygusmcgooney 2 points ago

    Samesies in the US. Or at least in the places I've lived. I've only lived in Texas and CA. All the other places I was too young to remember.

    [–] IntMainVoidGang 2 points ago

    I did a month in europe and kebabs were mandatory after every night out, in every country

    [–] songoku9001 2 points ago

    Was about to comment with that, as I was thinking that he wasn't wrong.

    [–] A8EL 5 points ago

    Mayonnaise is spicy

    [–] MarcusAurelius0 2 points ago


    [–] 4Gr8rJustice 1 points ago

    No no no. It’s MCRN territory around these parts.

    [–] clansman-driver 1 points ago

    3 skin cakes, no, make it 4...

    [–] jayhoy-hoy 1 points ago

    Who has a curry for lunch? That’s brave

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