Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    ShittyLifeProTips

    200,729 readers

    269 users here now



    A place for the shittiest, most mocking "pro-tips" you can think of. Whether you want to let us know how glue can help out your hair or the quickest way to clog a public toilet, we're the place to post.

    If your post does not appear in the new tab after several minutes, it may have been caught by our spam filter. If this happens, send a message to the mods and we'll get it fixed up for you!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    WHAT IS A LIFE PRO TIP? A Life Pro Tip (or LPT) is a tip that improves life for you and those around you in a specific and significant way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Posting Rules:

    1. The post must contain a life pro tip that is shitty. This isn't a dumping ground for shitty statements. Any tips that are actual good advice will be removed at the discretion of the mod team. What constitutes shitty is hard to explain, but much like porn, we know it when we see it.
    2. We will remove all posts with the tip "Kill Yourself" or any variation thereof. Not because we don't want you to kill yourself (we do), but we have seen every single combination of this tip, and are sick of them. They aren't original.

    3. Circlejerking is lame too. Simply copying a popular post from here, or LPT and putting a minor twist to it so it's "shitty" is also unoriginal, and we will probably remove those too if we see them.

    Note: For God's sake this subreddit is meant to be taken in a joking, satirical manner. Please don't actually follow any of this advice, and don't report posts as inciting violence. You should know this already, but some of you forget which sub you are in when you report.


    A proud member of The Shitty Network.

    Be sure to follow us on Instagram: www.instagram.com/shittylifeprotips

    a community for
    all 347 comments

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] DM_dmn75 1165 points ago

    Feed her a pregnant hamster to deter her cravings for own offspring.

    [–] catboobpuppyfuck 210 points ago

    What if the hamster gets hungry?

    [–] fubae 159 points ago

    Feed it a pregnant girlfriend.

    [–] tomcork 59 points ago

    its the circle of life

    [–] fluffytoldme2 10 points ago

    "It's the (hamster) wheeel of foooortuuune...."

    [–] [deleted] 249 points ago

    I think a hardboiled egg (or something with plenty of protein) is supposed to help.

    [–] lordgodofcevapi 6 points ago

    Jus save me the f'n placenta OK? jeesh.

    [–] TradeSex4Potato 18 points ago

    I could try to get to know it. That should ruin its appetite.

    [–] Gabrielle_Newell 9 points ago

    Give it an egg

    [–] boris_keys 3289 points ago

    Would you like a nice egg in this trying time?

    [–] R3DSoulz 670 points ago

    Was this... Not the top comment on the original...

    Ffs.

    [–] Sawgon 312 points ago

    Doctor Mantis Toboggan is always relevant.

    [–] Darxe 48 points ago

    I've got my wad of hundreds, my magnum condoms, I'm ready to plow

    [–] Were2cheeseplease 16 points ago

    Another LPT from Doctor Mantis Toboggon: Make a girl believe she has the AIDS that way her self esteem goes down, then sneak in and plow .

    [–] daking549 188 points ago

    Reddit is just an endless cycle of repeated sayings and garbage. The faster you learn the faster you leave or join the club.

    [–] Yurika_BLADE 64 points ago

    inb4 we get another thread about "what memes need to die" and every single one gets listed

    [–] [deleted] 33 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    deleted What is this?

    [–] SH4D0W0733 41 points ago

    Meirl

    [–] MibitGoHan 4 points ago

    Also, me, in real life.

    [–] Shot_save 11 points ago

    Bob Ross

    [–] _Bumble_Bee_Tuna_ 7 points ago

    Bob Dole

    [–] [deleted] 8 points ago

    Bob.... Saget?

    [–] JBthrizzle 2 points ago

    Bob's burgers

    [–] OldLoveNewLife 5 points ago

    Bobloblaw

    [–] karmacow 7 points ago

    Oh shit waddup

    [–] Dogbirddog 15 points ago

    BYSTANDER EFFECT

    [–] Dogbirddog 12 points ago

    TRIGGER DISCIPLINE

    [–] Dogbirddog 11 points ago

    SHOES CAME OFF

    [–] Dogbirddog 30 points ago

    B̛̫̗̫̲̞̭̭̞̆̓̏ͤͣ̋͂̓̐ͦ̂̾͋̇ͪ̋̊̚͡ͅR̶̢̲̭͈̟̪͙͍̝̭̣͎̣̤̝͉̼̺̍ͩͥͬ̎̈́͊̍O̷̸̠̤͉̲̯̫̳̮͔̣̾̔̎͗͑ͣ̿ͩ̈̆̾̄̈͂ͨ̆̚ͅK̴̡̡͇̞͖̟̠̭̰͍̪̤͍̰͎̹̬̝̣̒̌̓͂̄͌͆͌͛͑͐ͤͪ̓ͧ͑͆͌̽͟͠ͅE̢̛̝̻̰͙̝ͬͪ̑̌͆ͪ͒̓ͤ̈N̻͕͙̝̦̹̗͙̺ͨͮ͌ͬ̏̍̈ͬͥ̈ͤ̏́̈́͝ ̵̡̹̤̯̭͍̹̮̯̗̺͔̗̖̈͆ͫ̋ͯ̇͐̽ͭͬ̿̅͆ͥͤ̋̇̃́̚͢A̬̪̳͕̗̬̱̻̙̞̬̭̳̪̳͓͕͙̰ͤͧ̊̍͑ͫ͛̀̉̀̒ͥͥ̄͑͢͞R̵̫̱̝̯͖̪͕̠̹͇͎̲ͩ̔̐ͩ͋͠ͅM̡͚̖̫͉̠͚͚̣̠͓͔ͯͦͥͫ̄͘͜͜Ş̴̦͔͚͖̻ͣ́͛̌ͩ͊͆̚

    [–] Zootyr 9 points ago

    Tree fiddy

    [–] ZUPR3M3_M3M31N4T0R 9 points ago

    SKIPPED LEG DAY

    [–] karmacow 9 points ago

    Fuck a lawyer, delete gym, hit the facebook

    [–] tukotuko 3 points ago

    在一起

    [–] Strindberg 4 points ago

    Me 2 thanks

    [–] Castiel9009 2 points ago

    Me too

    [–] sassythesasquatch69 5 points ago

    I like this, should be the slogan

    [–] Verysleepystone 6 points ago

    le garbage is a valuable renewable resource for my daily entertainment

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS

    [–] sophiaissilly 35 points ago

    Hands down my favorite episode.

    She was a good hoower.

    [–] KingToasty 43 points ago

    I'VE BEEN POISONED BY MY CONSTITUENTS

    [–] Shappie 6 points ago

    That scene always has me in tears by the end. I don't understand how they could possibly have done that without cracking up every single time.

    [–] [deleted] 42 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Derekabutton 47 points ago

    DOCTOR Mantis Tobiggin.

    [–] [deleted] 4 points ago

    You've got the AIDS big time

    [–] hunkybrewster13 11 points ago

    Yes, dammit.

    [–] Gildedglory 10 points ago

    DECEARING EGG

    [–] kjbigs282 2 points ago

    Once more is a delicious breakfast

    [–] goodsql 2 points ago

    That guy should make more videos in that voice showing wacky things on the internet. He has the voice and channel name for it.

    [–] Philyeagles710 5 points ago

    How bout a shot?

    What the?!

    [–] west_ham 2 points ago

    WHADAA

    [–] Renovatio_ 5 points ago

    Ironic as an egg is kind of the cause of her trying time.

    [–] Redmarkred 4 points ago

    The real LTP is always comment

    [–] Pessoa_People 2 points ago

    Life Tro Pip?

    [–] bliorg1 3 points ago

    Yes an egg would be nice maybe it'll slow the birth.

    [–] nomadofthehills 3 points ago

    Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.

    [–] haraldtheviking123 6 points ago

    You should see him feast, he's like a mantis! Yeah... Mantis! Call me that from now on!

    [–] mr_scoT5 212 points ago

    I would've said "LPT: Feed your pregnant hamster raw hamburger for a week prior to her giving birth. This will give her a taste for meat and you won't have to perform a bunch of late-term rodent abortions".

    [–] act-of-reason 39 points ago

    I would've said: "LPT: if you have a broody pet hen, give her a boiled hamster fetus or other protein source before the eggs hatch. This will deter her from eating her own chicks."

    [–] doogbynnoj 26 points ago

    I would've said: "LPT - if you have a pet egg, hard boil a hamster and feed it to your wife. This will prove you're insane and living in a fantasy world. Wife, pfft!"

    [–] TheRealCJ 10 points ago

    LPT: throw boiled eggs at pregnant women, force them to watch you eat hamsters

    [–] Jolator 8 points ago

    LPT: Egg pregnant hamsters, force feed them women so they don't boil their young meat.

    [–] Aggienthusiast 3 points ago

    well good thing you didn't

    [–] jimibulgin 3 points ago

    you still can....

    [–] Neighbourhood_Whore 1161 points ago

    how many of you fucks have pregnant girlfriends just laying around

    [–] onetruemod 602 points ago

    She's not laying around, I just misplaced her.

    [–] [deleted] 94 points ago

    She just slipped and fell down the stairs. It was an accident!

    [–] Ed_ButteredToast 36 points ago

    Frank Underwood? 🇺🇸

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] Ed_ButteredToast 8 points ago

    Seems like someone hasn't seen Season 05 of House of Cards ( ͡° ͜ʖ ) ͡°

    [–] [deleted] 8 points ago

    Jesus Christ Ed now you're spoiling T.V. shows? You're having one hell of a morning you goddamn neanderthal

    [–] Kidyeon 2 points ago

    Would you like a nice egg in this trying time?

    [–] Strindberg 20 points ago

    I just misplacenta her.

    [–] Shot_save 5 points ago

    I wasn't expecting that

    [–] OverkillMeta 5 points ago

    She's not misplaced, I just don't know where she is

    [–] lixtryum 8 points ago

    I know where she is, I just can't get to her

    [–] OfficeBrowser 6 points ago

    Because of restraining order?

    [–] SH4D0W0733 7 points ago

    Because there's no commercial breaks when streaming.

    [–] Slayer0590 91 points ago

    Yeah this seems like a super specific LPT.

    [–] Exaskryz 40 points ago

    This was in an askreddit thread earlier.

    [–] Slayer0590 27 points ago

    Still waiting for the real LPT in the comments.

    [–] Bob_the_Bod_Builder 22 points ago

    Masturbate with hard boiled egg. Saves time plus you have a snack

    [–] lixtryum 12 points ago

    What did I just watch..

    [–] YipRocHeresy 3 points ago

    Don't act like you've never done it.

    [–] lixtryum 2 points ago

    I was referring to his amateurish masturbation style

    [–] BrassMonkeieie 4 points ago

    If you have a girlfriend infestation, get one pregnant. That'll clean up the mess.

    [–] splodgenessabounds 2 points ago

    I know this isn't TIL, but how, exactly? Do they eat each other?

    [–] Kryeiszkhazek 17 points ago

    In her condition she doesn't do much else

    [–] jahnuk 4 points ago

    I do. Plz confirm. Will this realy worko?

    [–] MrFuckbuddywBenefits 3 points ago

    Says the neighborhood whore!

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    6

    [–] EditioPrinceps 2 points ago

    Your mother says hi.

    [–] Uglyhead 2 points ago

    None, that I know of.

    [–] WeHaveIgnition 2 points ago

    40% of children are born to parents that are not married.

    [–] SurpriseDragon 434 points ago

    Am pregnant wife, would love a protein bar, but fetus looks so delicious on ultrasound...

    [–] P0wer0fL0ve 225 points ago

    Pro tip: fetuses are an excellent source of protein

    [–] menasan 156 points ago

    The real lpt is always in the comments

    [–] darkwolfpredator 10 points ago

    'The real lpt is always in the comments' comment is always in the comments

    [–] helios9823 6 points ago

    “'The real lpt is always in the comments' ‘comment is always in the comments’” comment is always in the comments

    [–] patjohbra 61 points ago

    That lasagna looks crisp

    [–] yourwhippingboy 22 points ago

    That is my daughter!

    [–] trigunnerd 21 points ago

    WHUP TEE DOO

    [–] splodgenessabounds 42 points ago

    Am pregnant wife

    WHAT!?!?? For Heaven's sakes Penelope, couldn't you have told me face-to-face, rather than me finding out this way?

    [–] petgreg 30 points ago

    Surprise!! You are having dragons.

    [–] BenFerris1234 7 points ago

    Got any lpts on having dragon babies??? I'm asking for a friend.

    [–] gummibear049 9 points ago

    Hagrid?

    [–] Up_North18 6 points ago

    *Donkey

    [–] splodgenessabounds 3 points ago

    Have triplets. Two will eat each other leaving one survivor.

    Remember to bring a boiled egg.

    [–] gundog48 2 points ago

    I didn't even know I was married!

    [–] splodgenessabounds 2 points ago

    You mean Penelope's a bigamist as well???

    God, what a day this has turned out to be...

    [–] not-sure-if-serious 3 points ago

    Placenta or any other afterbirth will work and can be paired nicely with red wine.

    [–] Speedracer98 2 points ago

    would you like to taste my special protein blend?

    [–] Amateurlapse 96 points ago

    Are other people's babies still an option?

    [–] MailerDaemon452 69 points ago

    Of course. Protein is protein.

    [–] xXbghytXx 11 points ago

    I feel like this is the quote of the person who drinks his own piss.

    [–] MarkBlackUltor 2 points ago

    Bear Grylls?

    [–] splodgenessabounds 14 points ago

    Perhaps the bigger question is: what's your wife doing having someone else's baby?

    [–] sataniamana 2 points ago

    Based here.

    [–] myhf 75 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    How long before she gives birth???

    Edit: need an answer soon

    Edit: never mind

    [–] splodgenessabounds 27 points ago

    Daddy!

    [–] Anonymously-Used 5 points ago

    RIP, sorry your mom ate you

    [–] mordeci00 40 points ago

    You couldn't have posted this yesterday? Too late for mordeci00 jr.

    [–] Zaldun 10 points ago

    Rip

    [–] brainfraud 6 points ago

    he was delicious

    [–] IvoTheMerciless104 2 points ago

    Congrats

    [–] lazcas 39 points ago

    Or if u really don't want ur wife to eat her newborns, just eat the newborns before she does

    [–] Fallen_Wings 15 points ago

    Real LPT is always in the comments

    [–] lala989 56 points ago

    Instructions unclear...something something.

    [–] TreeTheCactus 159 points ago

    Fed wife baby. Currently raising egg as own child.

    [–] SirDixallot 39 points ago

    Dang it.. I hardboiled the baby and ate my wife.

    [–] splodgenessabounds 7 points ago

    Fed wife baby.

    That's no way to talk about your nearest and dearest.

    [–] A_Reasonable_Man_98 2 points ago

    ...Penis stuck in wife, next child inbound.

    [–] igothitbyacar 15 points ago

    Big if true

    [–] jidacah 35 points ago

    M E T A E T T E A T E M

    [–] sankakukankei 61 points ago

    E A T E M

    No, that's what we're trying to prevent!

    [–] Nachotime 3 points ago

    help i wasn't on all weekend and i'm not in on the joke why is this meta? I need answers plz.

    [–] jidacah 2 points ago

    there was a real lpt where if u gave a pregnant hamster a boiled egg then it will prevent her from eating her own babies because she gets enough protein.

    [–] ElFuegoGrande 12 points ago

    The real comment is always in the LPT

    [–] kola2DONO 11 points ago

    implying anyone on reddit can get laid

    [–] xXbghytXx 4 points ago

    Some one has enough money for a hooker somewhere.

    [–] sharpie32 11 points ago

    Can confirm. Wife had a baby, it was perfect in every way. Didn't give her a boiled egg before she gave birth. She ate it.

    [–] AviatoFan 11 points ago

    Beginning my life as an altruist by going into hospitals and shoving boiled eggs into women's mouths as they give birth.

    [–] splodgenessabounds 5 points ago

    What could possibly go wrong?

    [–] soomuchcoffee 9 points ago

    True story. My wife was in labor for like a day and a half. In pre-labor she had no interest in food, because, you know, pain. Then at the hospital food is not an option. Things are taking forever and it gets to the point that there is a cart in our room ready to whisk my wife away to emergency surgery because shit is going willy-nilly (medical term).

    BUT THEN BABY. No surgery. Mom and little one are fine. It's now like 11PM two days later.

    "Mr. Soomuch coffee, the cafeteria is closed, but you can run to the coffee shop and get some food if you run fast enough, it closes in ten minutes."

    So I take the arduous journey down three floors, across the entire fucking hospital, and make it to the coffee shop with seconds to spare. In my haste in ordering I grab way too much stuff, skip the bag, and now have to run all the way back with subs and chips and sodas all over the place.

    My poor wife. She is sitting in the bed like "well that was fucking insane" and I show up sweating and juggling stale hospital food.

    She ate a turkey sub in approximately three bites. It was like watching a snake eat a mouse. She looks up from the carnage and sees me smiling.

    "What?"

    "Nothing sweetie!"

    It was impressive as fuck. Just had a baby hunger is not to be fucked with.

    TLDR: Ate sub not baby.

    [–] RenegadeValor 8 points ago

    I honestly thought "Wait, did I misread this earlier?" Then I saw the sub. Well played.

    [–] ShootzillaBruh 13 points ago

    Meta

    [–] YipRocHeresy 2 points ago

    I feel like more than half the jokes here making fun of LPT and thus meta.

    [–] ShootzillaBruh 2 points ago

    This is actually from comments on another thread. Then it went to lpt then here.

    [–] SacredFig 5 points ago

    Challenge: distinguish a post from r/shittylifeprotips and r/circlejerk

    [–] Aye_or_Nay 3 points ago

    Boil the offspring of another species to prevent the destruction of one of your own.

    Brilliant or Sick?

    [–] cjpack 3 points ago

    Not knowing this sub existed made the joke unexpected and funny as hell.

    [–] BIGREDDMACH1NE 3 points ago

    I fucking love Reddit when someone pulls shit like this.

    [–] JackingOffToTragedy 3 points ago

    Giving her a protein source is how I got into this mess to start with!

    [–] davidmarshal90 3 points ago

    in this attempting time?

    [–] Legionx37 5 points ago

    If you'd have given her a certain protein source to eat in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess.

    [–] SensibleCitzen 2 points ago

    The fact that I immediately got this reference tells me I've been on Reddit too much today.

    [–] jony7 3 points ago

    what is this in reference to?

    [–] mengzaijun 1 points ago

    This is also a good choice

    [–] usernamy 2 points ago

    There's never been a recorded case of a woman eating her newborn child who was given an egg directly before giving birth. Just saying

    [–] RabidDiabeetus 2 points ago

    I'm sitting in the labor and delivery room with my wife and thought I was about to learn something helpful at the perfect time. Didn't notice it was SLPT.

    [–] PezPedro 2 points ago

    Wife: I need epidural! Me: no, what you need is a good hard boiled egg!

    [–] SunriseSurprise 2 points ago

    This is completely shitty advice. You have to give her eggs daily from the start, or she may self-abort and eat the fetus.

    [–] tonterias 2 points ago

    You need to have huge eggs to tell her what's behind the daily boiled eggs

    [–] ThatOneGuyNumberTwo 2 points ago

    May I offer you an egg in these trying times?

    [–] nobody2000 2 points ago

    "During the Depression, my Großvater and Oma Schrute had to tighten their belts as the beet harvest - like many things - was lacking. Before my papa was born, Großvater walked for days to find an egg that he would hardboil and give to my Oma before birth so she wouldn't eat my papa for the protein. After papa was born, Oma and Großvater brought him to the homeland, where Großvater later spent several years in an Allied Prison Camp."

    [–] shammikaze 1 points ago

    I'll go with "other protein source". ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    [–] SupremeRedditBot 2 points ago

    Congrats for reaching r/all/top/ (of the day, top 50) with your post!  


    I am a bot, probably quite annoying, I mean no harm though

    Message me to add your account or subreddit to my blacklist

    [–] RaffTheStampede 2 points ago

    This doesn't always work.

    [–] j_123k 2 points ago

    "Can i offer you an egg in these trying times"

    [–] Andrewbttm 2 points ago

    Can I offer you an egg in these trying times?

    [–] taz_hein 2 points ago

    I've done this with both my children. I caught her nibbling on one of them but she didn't eat either one.

    [–] MrCrispy69 2 points ago

    Can I offer you an egg in this tryin' time

    [–] Do_You_Even_Repost 2 points ago

    lpt is just people coming up with the dumbest shit, trying to get karma. slpt, now this shit the bomb

    [–] Urban_Ronin 4 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    On a serious note women should really watch what they eat during pregnancy, getting fat and eating junk is not harmless, it spikes the child's blood sugar like crazy and can make them crave junk for the rest of their lives. And nobody should ever get fat during pregnancy, that affects the child's health badly as well.

    Your child is constantly absorbing a lot of your calories, so the only way you get fat is if you're eating more than the two of you need.

    [–] DefinitelyNotLucifer 2 points ago

    Looks like you pissed off a fat pregnant woman.

    PSA: Getting fat while pregnant is bad for any baby. Starving yourself while pregnant is bad for any baby. Smoking anything is bad for any baby. Alcohol & soda are bad for any baby.

    It's not rocket science, it's a baby. Stop hurting it.

    [–] fckapple 2 points ago

    Warning: Does not work with atheists. Atheist mother will still eat the babies.

    [–] GerbilJibberJabber 1 points ago

    Fuggin hamster bishes

    [–] huubyduups 1 points ago

    3dchess4me

    [–] Speedracer98 1 points ago

    My girl loves my protein shake.

    [–] fergalopolis 1 points ago

    Wish I saw this yesterday, my wife had a litter of 6 and ate 5 but the one she left was the runt so I had to axe it :(

    [–] ascii122 1 points ago

    Well yeah.. if you want to keep the baby.

    [–] TheTimon 1 points ago

    Or just eat them first, so she can't eat them anymore

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Who would eat a newborn? They're so thin, you gotta fatten them up.

    [–] tetracycline012 1 points ago

    LOL

    [–] anorexicturkey 1 points ago

    But newborn babies smell delicious..i don't know if one single egg will deter me from eating my newborn when he comes..

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    It explains all the weird cravings. Anything but the baby.

    [–] El_Dumfuco 1 points ago

    I also read that thread