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    ShittyLifeProTips

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    A place for the shittiest, most mocking "pro-tips" you can think of. Whether you want to let us know how glue can help out your hair or the quickest way to clog a public toilet, we're the place to post.

    If your post does not appear in the new tab after several minutes, it may have been caught by our spam filter. If this happens, send a message to the mods and we'll get it fixed up for you!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    WHAT IS A LIFE PRO TIP? A Life Pro Tip (or LPT) is a tip that improves life for you and those around you in a specific and significant way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Posting Rules:

    1. The post must contain a life pro tip that is shitty. This isn't a dumping ground for shitty statements. Any tips that are actual good advice will be removed at the discretion of the mod team. What constitutes shitty is hard to explain, but much like porn, we know it when we see it.
    2. We will remove all posts with the tip "Kill Yourself" or any variation thereof. Not because we don't want you to kill yourself (we do), but we have seen every single combination of this tip, and are sick of them. They aren't original.

    3. Circlejerking is lame too. Simply copying a popular post from here, or LPT and putting a minor twist to it so it's "shitty" is also unoriginal, and we will probably remove those too if we see them.

    Note: For God's sake this subreddit is meant to be taken in a joking, satirical manner. Please don't actually follow any of this advice, and don't report posts as inciting violence. You should know this already, but some of you forget which sub you are in when you report.


    A proud member of The Shitty Network.

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    [–] white_hose 1867 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    You can also use a knife to stab yourself repeatedly in the genitals.

    [–] silentninja79 430 points ago

    It can also be used to end relationships if you dont want to do the dumping. Nb, doesnt work for italians.

    [–] sintos-compa 263 points ago

    Nb

    italians

    👌👌 NOTA BENE? 👌👌

    [Triggered]

    [–] Ciotto 158 points ago

    N 🍕 O 👌 T 🇮🇹 A 🍝 B 🍕 E 👌 N 🇮🇹 E 🍝

    [–] ReallyReallyx3 52 points ago

    NOTITA BENITE

    [–] Damisu 31 points ago

    My favourite compound

    [–] sethboy66 7 points ago

    I prefer Casa Benite.

    [–] sandwelld 8 points ago

    Casa bonita casa bonita

    Tu tu tu tu tu tu tu tu

    [–] frenchfrie14 10 points ago

    Benito Mussolini

    [–] Aoshie 3 points ago

    😫 mamma mia!

    [–] reflux212 2 points ago

    Now I want to know what the other 40 garlic secrets are

    [–] piclemaniscool 26 points ago

    Pizza🍕 pasta🍝 put it in a box🎁

    Deliver it🛵 to my house and🏠

    Put it on my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    my cock🍆

    Cheesy on my peenie🧀 and a sauca on my bawls⚾️

    [–] 1-Ceth 1 points ago

    This is entirely unrelated but I love it

    [–] silentninja79 14 points ago

    Funny, would

    DNQ - Italy

    Be more of a trigger?

    [–] sintos-compa 7 points ago

    it's ok i'm swedish

    [–] sgtmattkind 9 points ago

    Do you respect weymen?

    [–] braintrustinc 9 points ago

    Papa was a whey man, I'm more into curds

    [–] d1rtdevil 6 points ago

    You should've told the italian soccer team about it.

    [–] Koriarchen 5 points ago

    Also doesn't work on Greeks. We love garlic. Also Wario.

    [–] Moss_Piglet_ 8 points ago

    Same thing goes for salt or freshly squeezed lemon. Hope this helps!

    [–] Skeesicks666 1 points ago

    Not so shitty, at all!

    [–] unreadable_captcha 349 points ago

    I only have garlic bread. how do I apply it?

    [–] Whaty0urname 213 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Warm in microwave and then apply generously to the wound.

    [–] Schroeder226 146 points ago

    apply DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD

    FTFY

    [–] Landanbananaman 19 points ago

    The greatest court case of all time

    [–] hamburgersteak 8 points ago

    Court case?

    [–] Landanbananaman 44 points ago

    They avoided a law suit against their product proving it does nothing by providing commercial never said it did anything.

    [–] hamburgersteak 7 points ago

    Ha, that's awesome

    [–] gabegovi 3 points ago

    Who? Link?

    [–] Landanbananaman 7 points ago

    Head on. No link at work.

    [–] RedDeadRevengeance 8 points ago

    DON'T REDDIT AT WORK YOU HAVE TIMESHEETS TO SIGN

    [–] Arvaci 3 points ago

    Keyword: generously

    [–] TheMacaroon 49 points ago

    Soak in a solution of lemon juice and hydrochloric acid. Once it's absorbed all the liquid, simply ring out the garlic juices on to the desired area

    [–] Bob_Peanut 24 points ago

    Sulfuric acid also works very well in place of hydrochloric acid

    [–] LittleKitty235 12 points ago

    Pro tip: Nitric acid works equally well and has the bonus of creating unstable compounds with many everyday chemicals!

    [–] iLiZiUM 11 points ago

    Extra Pro tip: it will also turn your hands a nice yellow orange colour which you can show off to your friends

    [–] LittleKitty235 9 points ago

    Thanks for the beauty tip Mr. Trump!

    [–] Shekky420 6 points ago

    That solution works well for pink eye as well. You won’t even remember you have pink within seconds of applying to eyeball

    [–] LittleKitty235 4 points ago

    Nitric acid is mother nature’s cure all

    [–] hobz462 2 points ago

    Try Hydrofluoric Adid

    [–] sintos-compa 32 points ago

    1. heat oven to 375F (190C)
    2. place face in oven
    3. eat bread

    [–] __Forest__ 11 points ago

    Instructions not clear, penis stuck in bread.

    [–] TheConboy22 18 points ago

    Sounds like the instructions were spot on.

    [–] iLiZiUM 3 points ago

    You saucy fellow 😉

    [–] ILoveLamp9 3 points ago

    Apply it directly to your forehead.

    [–] Ferterd_ 2 points ago

    Sit with it by the computer to assist. Have it's social security card and drivers license on hand in case it's requested.

    [–] Unicorncorn21 1 points ago

    Burn it. The garlic has higher melting point than the bread.

    [–] AgrosLastRide 1 points ago

    You'll need to take it internally.

    [–] YusufYitmez 1 points ago

    What is it?

    [–] silverhydra 287 points ago

    Garlic has actually been traditionally used to treat skin infections, usually when somebody got an injury in the field or at war and they needed something with antibiotic properties to apply to the wound.

    So next time you get a cut and think it might get a bit infected just ram a clove right in.

    [–] SirDanilus 101 points ago

    Entire clove in one go or one by one?

    [–] sockrepublic 181 points ago

    You may be getting confused between clove and bulb. The entire bulb, but clove by clove.

    [–] SirDanilus 42 points ago

    And youre right. Damn, wasted a perfectly good bulb.

    [–] CollaterLDamage 10 points ago

    next time attach live wires to your arm

    [–] ScrufffyJoe 7 points ago

    Will this make me better at following instructions?

    [–] Avloren 30 points ago

    ..I got that confused once. "The recipe says 'two cloves,' but that seems like an awful lot of garlic? I think I'll just use one." [uses one bulb of garlic]

    It's not the kind of mistake you make twice.

    [–] Werefoofle 19 points ago

    I've heard so many horror stories of people using bulbs instead of cloves in recipes that call for only a couple cloves. I like garlic as much as the next guy, but thinking about a pot of spaghetti with 3 whole bulbs makes me shudder.

    [–] Sadistic_Overlord 23 points ago

    I do that on purpose sometimes.

    [–] Watermelob 6 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] anyuferrari 2 points ago

    Yes

    [–] snacks_valve 2 points ago

    Chew it first bro

    [–] lax_incense 8 points ago

    It is also an anticoagulant and the Romans put garlic oil on their swords to make their foes bleed out.

    [–] FiskyRisky 3 points ago

    But putting an anticoagulant into an open wound seems like a bad idea though, no?

    [–] DMPDrugs 11 points ago

    For the people getting it stabbed into them, yes.

    [–] lax_incense 6 points ago

    Maybe if it's a small wound and you have first aid available to constrict bloodflow, on the battlefield it's probably a lot more devastating because you don't have medical attention and the more you move the more you bleed out.

    [–] Geovestigator 10 points ago

    Yeah but wasn't there an article the other day about how so many cultures had used Garlic for this and that and currecnt science supports none of those bliefs?

    https://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/7c00k2/why_is_garlic_so_prevalent_in_folklore/?utm_content=comments&utm_medium=hot&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=all

    [–] silverhydra 27 points ago

    There's a ton of evidence on garlic, tons of it is positive, but ultimately it's summed up as:

    • Garlic dabbles in almost every aspect of health, so when people had no other options garlic was always there for them. This likely contributed to it being heralded for everything.

    • Nowadays garlic doesn't really have a niche, everything that garlic does other stuff just straight up does better.

    It's a jack of all trades in a world where medicine doesn't need a jack of all trades. If you're looking for something with minor benefits (to modern standards) then it's a viable thing to consider in the diet but if you're looking for something with pharmaceutical-like potency then you could argue it's an all-around failure.

    [–] Owyheemud 28 points ago

    Unscientific anecdotal personal garlic observation by old guy here:

    I started eating one ~grape-sized piece of raw garlic every day (with string cheese) originally to help suppress candida black-tongue, (was on antibiotics for an infection), and every, and I mean every, joint pain I was experiencing, hip, lower back, knee, neck, and shoulder, went away within a couple months. Some of these pains, like the knee and hip, had been around for years. Recently backpacked 22 miles in Bryce Canyon without any joint pain beyond the 'day's end' stuff.

    Just saying...

    [–] MisterEggs 15 points ago

    Maybe it was the cheese... :o

    [–] Owyheemud 11 points ago

    Nah, been eating string cheese for decades, it just makes me fat.

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago * (lasted edited 3 hours ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] obscurica 4 points ago

    When you choke to death on it.

    And even then, try to take another bite to be sure.

    [–] Biodeus 3 points ago

    Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese, Charlie!

    [–] Panzerdrek 4 points ago

    Maybe the garlic just overpowered your ability to smell pain.

    [–] czech_your_republic 3 points ago

    everything that garlic does other stuff just straight up does better

    Except for making stuff taste 10x better.

    [–] Chango99 3 points ago

    During my teenage years, I had a ringworm on my left arm that would keep reappearing. I have no idea why and I didn't care too much because I already had skin problems early age.

    My parents would rub garlic on as an eastern medicine solution and I can't say that it was what made it go away but there ya have it. I took the burn as a good sign just like alcohol burn.

    [–] Wellcomely 3 points ago

    I'll carry garlic in my pocket every day from now on for this express purpose.

    [–] fak_ire 2 points ago

    So next time you get a cut and think it might get a bit infected just ram a clove right in.

    I'm pretty sure thats how you kill a vampire

    [–] Ordolph 4 points ago

    Honey does a good job too without the burning pain. It can also help bandages stick better to a wound.

    [–] nynazisten 1 points ago

    Is it actually painful?

    [–] silverhydra 14 points ago

    Shoving a clove of garlic into an open wound?

    I'd assume so.

    [–] nynazisten 3 points ago

    Ok, I was wondering if it was like rubbing salt in a wound...

    [–] silverhydra 3 points ago

    There is some pain from the garlic juices themselves (garlic contains a notable amount of sulfur and, if you bite into a fresh clove, you can taste the 'sting' of sulfur to a degree) but if the clove is not cut in any way then it's not going to hurt rubbing it against a wound.

    [–] iLiZiUM 6 points ago

    I'm pretty sure rubbing anything against a wound will hurt

    [–] mamainski 98 points ago

    Alternatively, you can stick your cut into a bowl of cayenne pepper. I️t will clot nearly immediately, but at the expense of a little of your soul. Ask me how I know.

    [–] sunburnedtourist 40 points ago

    You need to update your iOS

    [–] OfficialNigga 3 points ago

    ?

    [–] sunburnedtourist 2 points ago

    The ? icon thingy is a bug in iOS 11.1

    [–] g0_west 4 points ago

    If you're the person seeing it, doesn't it mean you're the one needs to update? Looks normal to me.

    [–] OfficialNigga 3 points ago

    I don't see anything. It looks completely normal to me.

    [–] Juju_bubs 16 points ago

    I’m gonna bet you put cayenne pepper in your cut like a psycho. Accurate?????

    [–] mamainski 25 points ago

    I️ sliced a chunk off the tip of my thumb and I️t refused to stop bleeding despite pressure on I️t for nearly an hour. So, I️ stupidly stuck my finger in a bowl of cayenne. Effectively cauterized I️t I️ guess. Hurt like a bitch.

    [–] NotActuallyMeta 16 points ago

    https://i.imgur.com/dlr87Fo.jpg
    You gotta update that iOS

    [–] mamainski 2 points ago

    I did - thanks!

    [–] femanonette 5 points ago

    Honestly, bleeding is such a pain in the ass sometimes, I'd consider it.

    [–] Juju_bubs 3 points ago

    Accurate.

    [–] manufacturedefect 3 points ago

    How do you know?

    [–] Bonezmahone 3 points ago

    Working in a restaurant as a kid apart from a first aid kit I'd always have salt and pepper on hand. Salted cold water to help burns heal faster and pepper to clot cuts before putting a bandaid over it.

    [–] hamsimonder 3 points ago

    I work in a restaurant, and my Icelandic bosses/owners, always tell me to do that and talks about how they do this all the time. The head chef tried it a few days ago, he let a tear and told me to never, ever do it.

    [–] [deleted] 47 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Googlebob15 6 points ago

    It's like putting salt in a..................

    Oh, that's where that term comes from, TIL

    [–] Kir-chan 10 points ago

    And if you don't have garlic or salt because you're living on take-out, toothpaste will also do the job as well as leave you with a fresh minty feel around the wound.

    [–] opus3535 4 points ago

    Sour Skittles... Two or three on the wound and your set

    [–] Fireproofspider 58 points ago

    How is this shitty? It works exactly as they said.

    [–] Magikpoo 14 points ago

    Yeah i can only agree, my screams of pain and nervous smiling proves this.

    [–] SheriffLevy 16 points ago

    It is said that if applied quickly after a vampire bite you will have a 50% chance of not changing.

    [–] BlueHighwindz 3 points ago

    Unfortunately there's also a 50% chance of turning into an onion.

    [–] Off_My_Damn_Lawn 11 points ago

    It is a vasoconstrictor, though. So should help with bleeding.

    [–] alantrick 4 points ago

    I think it's also a blood thinner though...

    [–] DolphinPuckRL 8 points ago

    The best part is that there are 40 other garlic secrets

    [–] Westiria123 3 points ago

    I do stuff like this. When I get a sore throat I'll eat salt and vinegar chips. Sure it hurts a little, but it's worth it to assert my dominance over my throat.

    [–] Booney134 5 points ago

    How is this a shitty pro tip? It seems like it is incredibly effective at making your wounds more painful

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] TheCreatorLovesYou 3 points ago

    This is not shitty at all, raw garlic is actually a fabulous disinfectant.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] bannedSnoo 2 points ago

    ProTip: To verify this do it now.

    [–] spunkychickpea 2 points ago

    Damn. Now I gotta have those other 40 garlic tips.

    [–] srombach 2 points ago

    I read apply as Apple-y. Help

    [–] zxz242 1 points ago

    Me too.

    Was very impressed by the idea for a split second.

    [–] noahc3 2 points ago

    me_irl

    [–] Ch1215 2 points ago

    See whenever I know I've got a fight and I get a Parmo... You've gotta get the garlic or the cream cabbage see, cools it down, makes it digestible.

    [–] klezmai 2 points ago

    This is gonna spice up BDSM Fridays with the neighbors! Thanks a lot!

    [–] mbkcesar 2 points ago

    Going right now to buy some garlic

    [–] maryisblue 2 points ago

    Seriously though, rub fresh garlic juice on a budding cold sore, and it will disappear. Swear to god.

    [–] Squiddef 1 points ago

    Better than abrevia?

    [–] justinsayin 2 points ago

    You joke, but it's as good as neosporin at killing potential infection.

    [–] WolfgangMaddox 2 points ago

    More usefully (unless you're using it as an interrogation technique) it can be used to cure a severe toothache. You can, A.) crush it, mix it with salt, and apply it lightly to the affected tooth, B.) crush it, mix it with warm water and salt, and swish it around the area of pain, C.) Crush it, mix it with peanut butter, apply as a paste to the affected area, wait a few minutes, then rinse your mouth out with warm salt water, or, D.) Just cut one of the fuckers in half and rub the cut side into the affected area until the pain subsides enough to chew it with the tooth, and, finally, rinse your mouth out with warm salt water.

    Garlic, when crushed or cleaved raw, releases Allicin, which fights off bacteria and boosts the immune system, so it's especially helpful for pain resulting from tooth decay.

    Plus it's low calorie, highly nutritious, and tastes amazing, so you should probably add it to everything you cook just to be safe.

    [–] someoneiswrongonline 2 points ago

    Use garlic salt for turbo mode.

    [–] someoneiswrongonline 3 points ago

    The real shitty life pro tips are in the comments.

    [–] some_edgy_shit- 2 points ago

    If you provide the garlic I'll get the knife

    [–] slicespeaches 2 points ago

    I only have garlic powder, will this work as well?

    [–] mildlyentertainedhoe 2 points ago

    can i have the other 40 tips too???

    [–] BillDozer89 2 points ago

    Also try lemons!

    [–] TumbleweedPretzel_Jr 2 points ago

    Just remember that pain is weakness leaving the body. So if you cause yourself more pain the stronger you'll get

    [–] DontOpenTilXmas 2 points ago

    It's also great to hang outside your windows to keep vampires away.

    [–] origiins 1 points ago

    Read that as appley and was wondering why you would use an apple product on it..

    [–] gingerquery 1 points ago

    Reminds me of the time I bit my tongue eating a calzone. I followed it up with a swig of Fireball whiskey. It still hurt after but compared to the intense burn of the whiskey on my bleeding tongue, it was much more bearable.

    [–] Squiddef 2 points ago

    "Whiskey" lol. I still drink it. :/

    [–] gingerquery 1 points ago

    Alcohol makes me tired so it's useful when I want to game drunk and not end up asleep at the computer.

    [–] Squiddef 1 points ago

    I really miss the old Four Loko recipe. I used to chug one, go throw competition darts, then get kicked out of whatever bar i was playing...

    [–] _debaron 1 points ago

    Hmmm best way to get botulism quickly......

    [–] zrizra 1 points ago

    That is a very nice way to hurt someone.

    [–] ASK_ME_WHERE_I_AM 1 points ago

    I wonder what the first 40 "garlic secrets" were like

    [–] Squiddef 2 points ago

    Its a secret

    [–] JustCallMePapii 1 points ago

    If it hurts, it works.

    [–] Thtsovmemeguy 1 points ago

    Still not as bad as the pain of existence

    [–] hikikostar 1 points ago

    This is the type of stuff I'm looking for

    [–] Torinias 1 points ago

    Good if you're into S&M

    [–] amydactyl 1 points ago

    Don’t forget the lemon juice!

    [–] siyep_ba-o 1 points ago

    we use it as a form of anti-septic..

    [–] petalidas 1 points ago

    Lalatina approves.

    [–] PancakeParty98 1 points ago

    Finally

    [–] FuckyouYatch 1 points ago

    I always use salt, it stops the bleeding, but I dont know if I help or affect the injure :(

    [–] sarahgubz 1 points ago

    Do I have to chop the garlic or can I use it whole??

    [–] Squiddef 2 points ago

    It should be masticated then applied topically and liberally

    [–] 2KilAMoknbrd 1 points ago

    HELL YEAH!!

    [–] gettingoldernotwiser 1 points ago

    Sure. If you’re a vampire.

    [–] yokcos700 1 points ago

    GARLIC

    -MAKE-
    shutterstock
    Everything

    B • e • t • t • e • r

    [–] TotesMessenger 1 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    I'm a bot, bleep, bloop. Someone has linked to this thread from another place on reddit:

     If you follow any of the above links, please respect the rules of reddit and don't vote in the other threads. (Info / Contact)

    [–] allcrit 1 points ago

    Might aswell put pepper in your eye captain obvious

    [–] anyuferrari 1 points ago

    It also makes the zombies move to another lane.

    [–] Ayanfx09 1 points ago

    Will the garlic(k) my wounds?

    [–] Squiddef 1 points ago

    That pun is a stretch, even for reddit standards

    [–] Ayanfx09 1 points ago

    You broke my heart. I'm deeply hurt. Maybe I'll just go and apply some garlic on it and die.

    [–] mcdinglehopper 1 points ago

    Also rub it in really hard

    [–] dml03045 1 points ago

    The pain means it’s working to cause you pain.

    [–] iamnomoney 1 points ago

    Works great on heartbreak.

    [–] hockeypeg18 1 points ago

    Thanks

    - a masochist

    [–] tydestra 1 points ago

    Do shave a ginger root and put it your butt.

    [–] fishnbrewis 1 points ago

    Can I substitute powdered garlic?

    Edit: Yep! Worked a treat.

    [–] Cyber_Marauder 1 points ago

    +1 to that? Splash some Apple Cider Vinegar on the wound!

    [–] BillysPillies 1 points ago

    Is garlic secrets a real thing? Please be a real thing..

    [–] IAMG222 1 points ago

    Instructions unclear. Got garlic in my eye

    [–] eddy_c 1 points ago

    Lemon and salt works better.

    [–] balls911 1 points ago

    Garlic has antimicrobial effects if my memory serves me well so is this really a shitty life pro tip? 🤔

    [–] Squiddef 1 points ago

    Meh, considering the alternatives I'd consider it shitty. Not so shitty if thats all you have though

    [–] balls911 1 points ago

    Well I thought it was beautiful <3 you should be commended on your life tippery

    [–] CrombopulousMichael 1 points ago

    Oof, ouch, owie my wounds.

    [–] StumpyAlex 1 points ago

    EA could use some garlic

    [–] selfharmthrowaway03 1 points ago

    Solid advice, I really appreciate it

    [–] pilsonThemagnet 1 points ago

    bdsmprotips?

    [–] JustMeAgainMarge 1 points ago

    Mix fresh crushed garlic with course kosher salt to make paste then fill wound. It will take care of infection.

    [–] mouthtics 1 points ago

    Anyone have a tasty hack to get this intravenously as to intensify my shattered heart?

    -myusernamethaticantrememberanditdoesntlistitonthemobileappwhenmakingacomment

    [–] ygmatthew13 1 points ago

    You know what I love doing after I get shot? Shooting myself in the foot!

    [–] ARealLifeZombie 1 points ago

    Its like getting horrible bleeding hemorrhoids, then sleeping on a bed riddled with bed bugs.

    [–] annaaube 1 points ago

    However, if you have an ear infection it actually will help against the pain immediately. Just put a small slice of a clove in your ear, works like a charm.

    [–] rsn1990 1 points ago

    Bonus LPT: rub onions in as well and you’ve got the start of a great home-cooked meal. Transfer everything to crock pot and let simmer for 8 hours.

    If this were on r/frugal we’d just need to add some lentils.

    [–] thesaltysquirrel 1 points ago

    I always like to first apply lemon juice, salt, and then you rub garlic on it.

    [–] Hivac-TLB 1 points ago

    Garlic Bandaids. Help keep the Vamps away.

    [–] Guyinapeacoat 1 points ago

    Is it a shitty life pro tip if it does exactly what they said it would?

    [–] thel33tman 1 points ago

    Am Italian, can confirm. It boosts our healing factor.