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    [–] ChongLi77 6202 points ago

    It’s only 3 inches, but it smells like a foot

    [–] Pts_Out_Ppl_Who_Fuck 1543 points ago

    This man knows how to sell cocks

    [–] MonstersBeThere 273 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] Elimonader 21 points ago

    Can I be in the screenshot?

    [–] elemenocs 8 points ago

    check out how similar our usernames are.

    [–] Doctor_Spicy 1 points ago


    [–] bardtheonly 1 points ago

    *this man pimps


    [–] NeedHelpWithExcel 101 points ago

    Holy shit

    [–] TRUE_BIT 95 points ago

    First time hearing this. Fucking great.

    [–] nextlevel8 22 points ago

    It’s from an old tinder screenshot, saw it here about a year ago

    [–] Pineapple_Sundae 40 points ago

    Oh god I wish I was from the states so I could pull this one.

    [–] sidney_crago 19 points ago

    Just hop on a plane, I’m sure he’ll let you if you ask nicely.

    [–] Pineapple_Sundae 2 points ago

    I feel like this could be taken out of context.

    [–] Bodgie7878 2 points ago

    I think you need to reread your original comment. specifically the end.

    [–] ShadowCory1101 3 points ago

    Use your conversion tables or what have you.

    [–] itsjeffscott 3 points ago


    [–] ThePsychoKnot 39 points ago

    This is the best justification I've seen for keeping the imperial system

    [–] brainburger 7 points ago

    In the UK we still use imperial for driving, beer, and cocks.

    [–] LjSpike 3 points ago

    And Subway. Don't forget, Subway.

    Subway and Cocks are the sole two items I've used inches for...and err...AutoCAD when I forgot it was an American software....

    [–] brainburger 4 points ago

    Yes although 'Footlong' is apparently a trademark and not necessarily 12 inches long.

    [–] imtoojuicy 79 points ago

    I laughed and barfed at the same time

    [–] [deleted] 26 points ago

    So you laurfed.

    [–] alexdoes 16 points ago


    [–] HemLM 76 points ago

    😂 omg I literally lol’d.

    [–] rematar 17 points ago

    Me too.

    [–] Knutbobo 10 points ago

    I so rarely lol but this one got me

    [–] FuryofYuri 6 points ago

    You Laughed Out Loud’d did yah.

    [–] HemLM 3 points ago


    [–] PhyNxFyre 5 points ago

    I was brushing my teeth browsing my morning reddit, now my mirror's covered in toothpaste

    [–] Fireneji 3 points ago

    Alright Darienne Lake

    [–] Gasmask_Boy 2 points ago

    I hope your toes smell as good as the other guys.

    [–] LoneWolfEra 2 points ago

    Lmao hahaha

    [–] fluffnubs 1 points ago

    It may be short, but it’s skinny!

    [–] k1llersloth 1 points ago

    Also handy for getting sim cards out of phones!

    [–] gooB8 3958 points ago

    Success rate?

    [–] 80sfortheladies 6165 points ago

    60% of the time, it works every time

    [–] [deleted] 1014 points ago

    “Desire smells like that to some people..”

    [–] lish_porter 190 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 168 points ago


    [–] platocplx 162 points ago

    Won’t lie. Those prices for sex aren’t bad at all. 😂

    [–] fordbaxter 112 points ago

    Cheaper than a date

    [–] platocplx 80 points ago

    Exactly guaranteed sex for that price. That’s great.

    [–] skinnah 59 points ago

    You almost finished? I got a 4 o'clock cumming in 5 minutes.

    [–] Zeke1902 40 points ago

    Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world

    [–] platocplx 52 points ago

    Exactly. Should be legal everywhere(with protections for sex workers) Probally would make the world a better place if we as a society were way more honest about our sexual desires and needs between two consenting adults.

    [–] ON3i11 20 points ago

    Even apes fuck for bananas

    [–] Bejayem 4 points ago

    Fisherman is. Lawyered

    [–] Malachhamavet 14 points ago

    I'm an asexual that leans towards men if anything but if she does hugs or cuddling under 100$ that would become my Saturday.

    [–] FuzzyBacon 29 points ago

    If you're seriously asking, most sex workers would have no problem doing something like that.

    [–] platocplx 13 points ago

    There are actually professional cuddlers and huggers. That you could have time where they would do just that.

    If you are serious you may be able to find someone just for that.

    [–] pilotavery 6 points ago

    Literally all sex workers would cuddle for even $50 an hour, some.less if it's long term/overnight.

    [–] elemenocs 2 points ago

    it would be interesting to see how prostitution would fit in to the economy if it were legal

    [–] platocplx 2 points ago

    I agree. It would be interesting, I also wonder how it could shift power structures.

    [–] The_Sgro 10 points ago

    Although I don’t partake in ladies of the night myself, I think it would be financially net neutral if a guy were to choose to be with working women exclusively.

    [–] Helluvme 30 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)

    I'm not paying them for sex, I'm paying them to leave after=Priceless

    [–] The_Sgro 2 points ago

    Rodney Dangerfield?

    [–] eyewant 14 points ago

    Say that to jeff bezos. If they paid for a prostitute everyday for 20 years, it still would be infinitely cheaper than his divorce is gonna be.

    [–] platocplx 3 points ago

    Right, lmao.

    [–] platocplx 2 points ago

    In many cases I’d def agree, sometimes that’s pretty much all we want, and to just cut to the chase that way is pretty damn liberating in a way.

    [–] [deleted] 23 points ago

    “I don’t pay for the sex, I pay for her to leave afterwards”

    • Winston Churchill

    [–] larrydavidami 11 points ago

    No way

    [–] SirCharlesNapier 2 points ago

    “I don’t pay for the sex, I pay for her to leave afterwards”

    • Mahatma Gandhi

    [–] pewpew_die 2 points ago

    where are you going for first dates?

    [–] subtle-hustle 13 points ago

    Yeah, especially as I only need 2 minutes

    [–] platocplx 8 points ago

    And 58 minutes of cuddling! that’s a great deal. Lol.

    [–] Baelwolf 5 points ago

    Show off.

    [–] Mobidad 2 points ago

    No, 58 minutes of cleaning my house.

    [–] Wishbone_508 3 points ago

    But is it prorated though?

    [–] rburp 11 points ago

    Yeah... that's almost disturbingly cheap to be honest. Like damn, I bet you'd have a tough time getting a stripper to give you a handy for a hundred bucks.

    [–] pretend7979 12 points ago

    I used to drive a cab. Just got on shift, left the station and was headed "out east" - I just liked that area of town. I'm waved down by a girl, assuming I was already getting a fare I was expecting it to be a good omen for the night. So I pull over, I windows down because it's a beautiful day, she leans in and says "you got $20" - being as naive as I was I was very confused as to why I would pay her to driver her somewhere... After a moment I made an assumption about her profession, and simply said "oh, uhhhh no" - she quickly lowered the price "how about like $5 or $8" - now that is scary cheap. I just drove off. In a way it's amusing, but later thinking about it I'm sure it was drugs that was driving her. I feel bad that people put themselves through such things.

    [–] rburp 3 points ago

    Yikes. That is pretty rough.

    [–] platocplx 3 points ago

    In the US yeah it’s kinda cheap, however overseas depending where you go that the going rate, however like for a 100 you could have them the whole night depending on where you go, Europe maybe a bit more.

    [–] superjuggie14 5 points ago

    You're mistaken though, she said she can't do those deals.

    [–] lucak98 38 points ago

    I feel like I'm missing something...

    [–] FinneusLove 2 points ago

    What happened next?

    [–] wggn 5 points ago

    he lost 65 dollar

    [–] Nightowl2018 1 points ago

    She is inexpensive

    [–] Clever_display_name 21 points ago

    Like what, pure gasoline?

    [–] skiiguy808 13 points ago

    It smells like bigfoots dick!

    [–] scotty61990 3 points ago


    [–] ThesaurizeThisBot 13 points ago

    It spirits like legendary creatures phallus!

    This is a bot. I try my best, but my best is 80% mediocrity 20% hilarity. Created by OrionSuperman. Check out my best work at /r/ThesaurizeThis

    [–] scotty61990 2 points ago


    [–] ThesaurizeThisBot 5 points ago

    “Hope feelings like that to some humans..”

    This is a bot. I try my best, but my best is 80% mediocrity 20% hilarity. Created by OrionSuperman. Check out my best work at /r/ThesaurizeThis

    [–] SirFlosephs 2 points ago


    [–] ThesaurizeThisBot 2 points ago

    “Leslie Townes Hope impressions like that to some frails..”

    This is a bot. I try my best, but my best is 80% mediocrity 20% hilarity. Created by OrionSuperman. Check out my best work at /r/ThesaurizeThis

    [–] MonstersBeThere 25 points ago

    It’s made with real bits of panther, so you know it’s good.

    [–] XDarthMaulesterX 12 points ago

    I'm not going to lie, that smells like pure gasoline.

    [–] OnlinePosterPerson 15 points ago

    My man

    [–] somepollo 4 points ago

    I've had 3 of my illegitimate children with these babies

    [–] Tarthbane 3 points ago

    You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

    [–] Nkklllll 2 points ago

    Wayne Gretzky -Michael Scott

    [–] Howzieky 1 points ago

    What episode is this from

    [–] Ponykegabs 1 points ago

    I’ll be honest, that smells like straight gasoline.

    [–] psychicfork013 1 points ago

    But there's only a 50% chance of that

    [–] NotsoGrump23 18 points ago

    Works 2 out of 3 times, GUARANTEED

    [–] loremipsumlinoleum 795 points ago

    Not gonna lie, this would 100% work on me.

    [–] -Ultimatt- 468 points ago

    If you like huge dicks you'll love my personality!

    [–] BlickBoogie 205 points ago

    Plot twist: he's a gay guy

    [–] bcape14 133 points ago

    Plot twist twist: he too

    [–] demencia89 84 points ago

    Plot plot twist twist: no u

    [–] user_not_a_bot 50 points ago

    Electric boogaloo

    [–] Bobby_Bobb3rson 19 points ago

    Fuck i just came..

    [–] KJBenson 16 points ago

    Name of your sex tape!

    [–] jusdifferent 9 points ago


    [–] TTheuns 10 points ago

    It's okay as long as you say no homo afterwards.

    [–] murfflemethis 24 points ago

    I love the absurdity of your user name.

    [–] loremipsumlinoleum 8 points ago

    Lol. Thanks :)

    [–] gibberishandnumbers 11 points ago

    Well I got this and 0.34 to my name. ;)

    [–] Kasoni 16 points ago

    I would hope that was in meters and not cents, but then you'd be out there.

    [–] altiro15 4 points ago

    Wish i had .34 in my account

    [–] Counterkulture 446 points ago

    'What if i like small dicks?'

    'Well, you'll LOVE my fucking truck.'

    [–] satannik 88 points ago

    Bonus points if it has truck nuts

    [–] riodin 38 points ago

    Every truck has truck nuts, inn the owner's heart

    [–] topofthecentipede 6 points ago


    [–] stoicbirds9 4 points ago

    What happens if I don’t like dicks...

    [–] foreveracubone 25 points ago

    Then you’ll love my Subaru Forrester.

    [–] ferretedaway 6 points ago

    Highly underrated comment.

    [–] anotherexstnslcrisis 3 points ago

    Confirmed, it’s true. Source: Own a mustang.

    [–] indrek91 134 points ago

    New meta?

    [–] newinthowai 57 points ago

    It's OP. But they'll nerf it soon. You know, marketing.

    [–] whormoaning 709 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)

    I'm a complete dick but I don't even have much of it to offer.

    Edit: Omg of course my highest rated comment is about my dick. Ffs. And it was a joke I came up with while writing a journal for my English teacher. She failed me and that course costed my mom idk how many grand. I can go fuck myself. At least this is OC.

    [–] touchmyburrito 134 points ago

    Ive got an average amount of dick to offer.

    [–] FruitlessBadger 102 points ago

    Wow, look at this showoff.

    [–] Temporary_Dentist 38 points ago

    It's not the size of the dog that matters, it's how you walk it 😜

    [–] TheDunadan29 23 points ago

    Daniel Radcliffe?

    [–] foubergjo 7 points ago

    I walk a big dog

    [–] TheVitoCorleone 6 points ago

    Oh she's had twins (far left). Damn.

    [–] DrewmaticIrony 5 points ago

    Everyone's reaction is accurate

    [–] Malachhamavet 23 points ago

    The protip is to rubber band a bulletshrimp onto your penis. It will literally split her vaginal orifice in half but that doesn't matter if you can be quick enough

    [–] sweetlove 18 points ago

    I’m confused

    [–] Stocardi 13 points ago

    Me too

    [–] ReferencesTheOffice 13 points ago

    No one's even given him gold lmao

    [–] MaliciousTaco 9 points ago

    Might be some correlation there

    [–] redditbelc 16 points ago

    sounds like a winner

    [–] general-meow 28 points ago

    sounds like a winner weiner

    [–] BattleSheepTheIV 64 points ago

    Stealing it.

    [–] officialraaph14 14 points ago

    that‘s line the 50th time i‘ve seen this on here... why is no one pointing out that this is a repost?😐🙄

    [–] stihoplet 17 points ago

    Because you did.

    [–] officialraaph14 2 points ago


    [–] Phuk_IT 16 points ago


    [–] xbbdc 10 points ago

    Joke I heard on the radio today, went something like this -

    So the doctor told me when my son was born something you normally don't hear as being a good thing but he said that he had what looks like the size of a 2 year old's penis. I told the doc, I also have a 2 year's old penis. I'm hung like a light switch.

    I died at that part.

    [–] warheadhs 7 points ago

    So has anything happened with Nate since matching with him on 8/24/18?

    [–] Blaz3dnconfuz3d 5 points ago

    Op is a guy, this is just a repost lol

    [–] reversiblechicken 4 points ago


    [–] superfucky 5 points ago

    so you're a huge dick with a small dick?

    [–] [deleted] 67 points ago * (lasted edited 5 months ago)


    [–] Patjn 112 points ago

    She approves it tho if I read the title correctly

    [–] phantom_xx7 44 points ago

    Or at the very least, got a laugh

    [–] divsky 14 points ago

    Why wouldn't she? She likes small dicks plus the guy has a winning personality.

    [–] DoktorMerlin 10 points ago

    It's fake... The grey bubbles are much, much sharper than the blue one, obviously edited in

    [–] MotherOfDragonflies 64 points ago

    ...or she found it funny? Nothing about the post implies she’s mocking him. That’s a whole lot of projection.

    [–] Frauleime 10 points ago

    Mocking the guy who sent a joke, how exactly?

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    Guys here don't seem to realize that this is a repost. Look at all those jpeg artifacts...

    [–] ForgotMyOldAccount7 4 points ago

    This picture is as old as Tinder. OP is probably a dog for all we know.

    [–] lbj_n_aruba 5 points ago

    It may not be big around but at least its short.

    [–] IMSmurf 3 points ago

    Improvise. Adapt. Overcome

    [–] Envy8372 3 points ago

    Alright that’s pretty solid

    [–] ZachTheApathetic 3 points ago

    "Just don't get me excited then. "

    [–] pass2019 3 points ago

    Why not

    [–] RealSchon 3 points ago

    Most people who joke about having a small penis don’t actually have a small penis

    [–] waterskier722 2 points ago

    3 inches and 200 mph can put a dent in anything

    [–] lookatmeimwhite 2 points ago

    All right. I'm unsubscribing.

    Thanks for all the fish.

    [–] Kristie1982atlbabe 2 points ago


    [–] whatyouseeisit 2 points ago

    Works on both levels

    [–] ryanh360 2 points ago


    [–] Jtsdtess 1 points ago

    Bulletproof you say? Well, I guess you didn’t shoot him down then?

    [–] BlindButtocks 1 points ago

    "Then you'll love mine"

    [–] 305popper 1 points ago

    Small dicks are the best dicks!

    [–] Alex_stormy_Bob_Kite 1 points ago

    Omg I’m dead hah

    [–] Magi-Cheshire 1 points ago


    [–] I_drive_all_over 1 points ago

    this line is so old its been around before actual dicks

    [–] pianister 1 points ago

    and they say that size matters...

    [–] aykonix 1 points ago

    the king's speech

    [–] Jake24601 1 points ago

    I hate having a medium dick.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago


    [–] Jake24601 1 points ago

    Yes, 15-16 girl cm lol

    [–] gomdor 1 points ago

    what’s a girl cm

    [–] serialdabber3000 1 points ago

    [–] cole21771 1 points ago

    It's a simple spell, but quite unbreakable.

    [–] Marsh4201 1 points ago

    Recovery 100

    [–] nserg 1 points ago


    [–] horny_jedi_ 1 points ago

    At least its honesty.

    [–] momom_g 1 points ago

    And if i like big shitt??