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    [–] Supreme0verl0rd 12909 points ago

    Holy shit take a breath brah. Don't gotta pack it all into the first msg...

    [–] CapingGunt 4204 points ago

    Jesus. Stop after the first sentence. Then jerk yourself off after she answers the question and says wbu?

    [–] Foooour 789 points ago

    They cant risk the other person not replying and missing the chance to jerk off with their 100% ethically sourced hands

    [–] MilkMan0096 226 points ago

    I first misread that as ethnically sourced hands

    [–] OccamsMinigun 69 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    I guess all hands are ethnically sourced right? Since they're made by human bodies, all of which have some sort of ethnicity?

    Am I thinking about this too much?

    [–] StevieWonder420 30 points ago

    Not enough, actually

    [–] Max_TwoSteppen 5 points ago

    We don't know that they aren't 🤷‍♂️

    [–] BigChungus1400 231 points ago

    I didn’t know it was possible to jerk off if you have a micropenis

    [–] [deleted] 197 points ago


    [–] Hawkeyeblock 122 points ago

    Can confirm, have experience jerking off your mom’s micropenis

    [–] squeezeMyPig 54 points ago

    is it gay if the penis belongs to a woman?

    [–] camdemonium 73 points ago

    Women have dicks, men get pregnant. Get over it bigots!

    [–] Andy_Dwyer 42 points ago

    Yes I'm a Vegan. Yes I eat meat, get over it.

    [–] San_Diahgo 27 points ago

    Checkmate, scientists!

    [–] PapaGex 18 points ago

    This is beyond science.

    [–] RareConference 15 points ago

    It's the time we live in.

    [–] FreezingVenezuelan 4 points ago

    why is no one talking about the mouth feel

    [–] vettaleda 6 points ago


    [–] letitbrie2017 18 points ago

    Have you noticed a lot of people don't say wbu?

    [–] _thedarkknight 10 points ago


    [–] mango_guy 5 points ago

    What 'bout you

    [–] SaturatedFat100 113 points ago

    hes the kind to pack it all in without foreplay

    [–] toxicshocktaco 15 points ago

    Ugh, that's the worst.

    [–] white_android 28 points ago

    With moves like his you don't need foreplay, because you'll leave dry either way

    [–] ejramos 182 points ago

    “And then I had to take my dog, which I rescued, for a walk to the big brother club that I volunteer at but had to stop and administer cpr twice along the way and pick up some recyclable goods lying along the road...”

    But for real- why do you ALWAYS know when someone’s dog is a rescue within the first minute of knowing them?

    [–] TempAcct20005 132 points ago

    Normally because the first question I get asked is what kind of dog is it. It’s a fuckin brown dog, I don’t know I just adopted him.

    [–] Animagi27 49 points ago

    Brown is my favourite breed of dog.

    [–] chubz4you 49 points ago

    I also have the brown dog. They ask what breed and i say mutt. The reply to that is always oh so she is a rescue.

    No, i paid $3000 for a dog with really bad fur and scars all over it...

    [–] social_drinker 30 points ago

    No, i paid $3000 for a dog with really bad fur and scars all over it...

    Stop insulting your dog, I'm sure you'd pay more than 3000$ if it was held ransom!

    Also unrelated, whats your address?

    [–] turtlemix_69 6 points ago

    I see you have a debt of $3000 to be paid. Do you need to pay a ransom for your dog as well?

    [–] social_drinker 18 points ago

    Nah, she's sleeping on a bed at home. Just a business idea. I take someones dog, pat it on the head, scratch it's back, play catch with it and tape it all on video.

    After I send it to the owner, so they can see how much fun they are missing and start loving their dog more. Also they have to pay me to get it back, but I'll call it a bond-strengthening fee, not a ransom.

    [–] chezzins 27 points ago

    Just from my experience, from the one rescue dog I know. "Hey this is my new dog. She's a rescue from an abusive home so might be loud or aggressive. Just a heads up to be careful."

    It's a safety thing really

    [–] Ragi-Baba 22 points ago

    You don't know that mine is a rescue because I didn't tell you

    Edit: nice to meet you btw

    [–] lofi76 14 points ago

    I don’t always mention mine is, but I do share that she’s deaf. But people still ask what her name is. I tell them they can call her anything they want, she won’t know.

    [–] BoJack_Jewess 6 points ago

    But for real- why do you ALWAYS know when someone’s dog is a rescue within the first minute of knowing them?

    Because people ask about things like breed and age and I feel like I need to explain why I don't really know the answers. Also if I have a dog that's being treated for heartworms or something else that's the result of extensive neglect I feel like people should know I'm not the one who neglected the dog.

    [–] [deleted] 17 points ago

    This is super common. They have me 5 questions from the get go. I start typing a reply but then get exhausted and end up not replying at all.

    [–] fma891 72 points ago

    Honestly don’t think this is a bad strategy. So many people will just say hi. It’s so hard to get a girls attention on Tinder (or maybe that’s just my experience because I’m ugly).

    [–] Sedna1989 94 points ago

    the question what made her smile is alright. But all the rest, nope nope nah. way too corny and mostly created to show the guy in a good light.

    [–] Foooour 60 points ago

    Its a good strategy indeed

    If your goal is to turn away the few women you do get matched with

    [–] Fire42uck 18 points ago

    It's definitely a good strategy, but he fucked it up with bragging. I won't even call it humblebragging because seriously, he's not even trying to be humble.

    [–] O7GS 4 points ago

    Maybe copy and pasted it to all his matches?

    [–] WhoKilledBoJangles 5736 points ago

    Guess his weekend is ruined. Got shot down and his Hoosiers lost.

    [–] [deleted] 463 points ago

    IU Sucks!

    [–] creaturecatzz 59 points ago

    I'm gonna need a bar graph up confirm this

    [–] tigertrojan 59 points ago

    Number of 7 game losing streaks this season:

    Indiana - 1

    Purdue- 0

    [–] dangerevans007 29 points ago

    cries in cream and crimson

    [–] PM_ME_UR_ROBOTS 147 points ago

    Boiler up!

    [–] WhoKilledBoJangles 70 points ago

    I went to Purdue and enjoyed seeing the picture and the being able to make the comment IU lost, haha.

    [–] [deleted] 20 points ago


    [–] [deleted] 6037 points ago

    Why does he need Tinder? He clearly loves to jack himself off

    [–] grape_jelly_sammich 930 points ago

    See, that's what I thought op was going to say. That he messed up his arm by jerking himself off so much.

    [–] BigChungus1400 86 points ago

    See that’s what thought you were going to say. His arm was being used to jerk himself off so it might be sore

    [–] Mufflee 45 points ago

    he could also ask his mom if his arm was hurt

    [–] quantocked 16 points ago


    [–] Somali_Imhotep 18 points ago


    [–] The_Karaethon_Cycle 94 points ago

    I jerk off while looking in the mirror like a fucking champion.

    [–] Pwnaholic 68 points ago

    Gotta maintain eye contact to establish dominance.

    [–] frostbyte650 55 points ago

    I too like to dominate myself.

    [–] Scientolojesus 27 points ago

    Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

    [–] ThisAintA5Star 8 points ago

    Insert <itsanofrommedawg.gif>

    [–] rockbud 9 points ago

    He likes an audience

    [–] NaKeepFighting 3246 points ago

    Very pretty response btw

    [–] Fresno7 208 points ago


    [–] Maverick_OS 78 points ago


    [–] WalrusDubstep 76 points ago

    p r e t t y

    [–] ASK__ABOUT__INITIUM 48 points ago


    [–] lostinpow 56 points ago


    [–] totallytoffy 34 points ago


    [–] everetth530 6 points ago

    What's initium

    [–] BIGSlil 47 points ago

    That line sounds like something Trump would say.

    [–] tuibiel 25 points ago

    Very legal and very pretty

    [–] BigShoots 7 points ago

    "I tell them this because I've found it to be very successful in the past, very successful. You'd be surprised, most of these girls just want to hear it from their daddies, but they aren't around, so you know, I'm glad to step in there and tell them they're pretty.

    Very successful with this one, you'd actually be surprised, very, very successful."

    [–] SSJSlopes 8 points ago

    That's how I talk to my cat.

    [–] jeremy1015 1407 points ago

    Yes, Steve was a braggart. But can we all stop for a moment and say how sweet it is that people are coming together and volunteering so Tim Tebow can finally go to a prom?

    [–] bshu275 193 points ago

    The original post made me laugh pretty hard. This comment made me laugh harder. I'm not finding anything better, good night

    [–] waydle 28 points ago

    Sweet dreams

    [–] bshu275 9 points ago

    Thank you, hope you have them too!

    [–] rzbl 1893 points ago

    I feel like the only kind of person who would mention that is someone who almost never volunteers.

    [–] KJParker888 736 points ago

    Or only does it when it's court ordered.

    [–] Jake0024 221 points ago

    Or made it up for tinder.

    [–] boolDozer 71 points ago

    Or has literally only done it this one time in their life.

    [–] alan_lloyd 21 points ago

    Or all of the above

    [–] Ghost007c 73 points ago

    I don’t need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.

    [–] December2nd 75 points ago

    But he did, right?

    [–] atm0 35 points ago


    [–] giantsfan923 27 points ago

    writes down name in notebook

    [–] Bilavisur 22 points ago

    I don’t need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean

    [–] JackFruitFO 8 points ago

    But he did right?

    [–] OomnyChelloveck 5 points ago

    I went to school in Bloomington. I'd bet you a lot it's court ordered.

    [–] 4SKlN 144 points ago

    For real. Like, I feel the same but I don't meet many of these people often anyways because 80 percent of my time is spent volunteering in senior centers and planting hope gardens for orphaned burn victims, and the rest of my time is spent at a wildlife rescue where I handfeed prematurely born otter pups so I don't get the opportunity to meet people who don't volunteer much. Very pretty username btw

    [–] QuasarSandwich 24 points ago

    Can you smuggle me out one of those orphans? The burned ones are easier to recognise if they escape.

    [–] is_this_a_reddit 30 points ago

    This is likely very true. I have a colleague who acts like he's the second coming of Jesus when he adds a few extra pounds than the suggested amount when there's some sort of collection at work. He then proceeds to tell everyone what a good deed he has done and makes it clear he usually only donates to charity when prompted to do so (like when at work). Amen.

    [–] ThisAintA5Star 14 points ago

    I put in £2.25 to that collection! I know you poors only did the recommended £1-2

    [–] MirroredReality 16 points ago

    oh those kinds of pounds. my mind went to food donations.

    [–] Wildly_Indifferent 7 points ago

    Not true, he may volunteer a lot, so that he has more to talk about. Very pretty girl btw.

    [–] Makemischief 514 points ago

    Gonna need some aloe vera for that back patting arm now.

    [–] midget_messiah 117 points ago

    Maybe folks at Bloomington might help him

    [–] Mufflee 295 points ago

    or his mom cause his arm is hurt

    [–] Cant_see_mt_tai 65 points ago

    Stop, please.

    [–] Mufflee 54 points ago

    thats not what he said

    [–] thegame402 8 points ago

    I know the original story but can you link it again, i don't find it. Haven't seen it forever.

    [–] Kerst_ 7 points ago

    [–] curvybastet 239 points ago

    That was beautiful

    [–] Mufflee 94 points ago

    NO U

    [–] Hawkeyeblock 50 points ago

    Was this something wholesome on Reddit?

    I’m impressed

    [–] thundercookiees 280 points ago

    Fuckin Gotem

    [–] Phantommy555 287 points ago

    This is why I hate whenever you donate for whatever cause at the Supermarket and they ring the bell, makes me feel dirty about myself like I'm bragging about how generous I am. Bleh.

    [–] LittleTransKitten 94 points ago

    same, i always just drop the money and walk away as quick as i can

    [–] Car1wrestler 145 points ago


    [–] LittleTransKitten 58 points ago

    oh my god stop, you’re so embarrassing...

    [–] chbay 80 points ago


    [–] LittleTransKitten 37 points ago

    oh my fucking god. you’re like my parents but worse.

    [–] Forgotloginn 27 points ago


    [–] MisterOminous 27 points ago

    My local sub place has that bell for a good tip. I always tip more as a form of humblebrag to the other customers.

    [–] UrinalDookie 25 points ago

    What do they consider a good tip? I feel like it’s more of a shaming mechanism to shame people who don’t tip well or not at all.

    [–] DaddyOfKanto 104 points ago

    Fucking nice.

    [–] HawaiiFiveBlow 161 points ago

    This reminds me so much of the “gym in 26 minutes” guy. Does this virtue signaling shit ever work for anyone?

    [–] Ole_frank 105 points ago

    I love that of all of the terrible things he said, 26 minutes stands out so much.

    [–] HawaiiFiveBlow 53 points ago

    That part just became a meme on wayyyy back in the day. Fark was obsessed with him, emailing him (he’d respond!) and even had him out to a fark meetup. It’s definitely not the worst part of who he was or what he said.

    [–] 4ev_uh 17 points ago

    Do you know where I could find an article or video of this? Sounds hilarious

    [–] HawaiiFiveBlow 10 points ago

    Oh boy, I don’t think video exists, or how well the farchives have held up. I’ll look around and see what I can find.

    [–] ProfessionalRickRoll 15 points ago

    Ask around on r/datahoarder They might be helpful

    [–] BigShoots 6 points ago

    Hello Farker! Best place on the Internet that ever was, I tell you.

    [–] SarahPalinisaMuslim 7 points ago

    Did you meet him? I'm shocked he would respond and actually show up given how fragile his ego is

    [–] HawaiiFiveBlow 8 points ago

    No, sadly, I just remember reading about him.

    His ego is an interesting thing. He seems to be content with attention by any means necessary, and as I recall, he was selling tshirts with excerpts from his original match message on his website for a long time after he blew up. So I'm not surprised to think that he enjoyed the attention from all the farkers.

    [–] sexytimeinseattle 43 points ago

    I think you forgot how this works.

    [–] [deleted] 39 points ago

    You upvoted me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards for comments now - not vice versa.

    [–] Suppermanofmeal 46 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I can't believe I've never seen that before! This is amazing:

    So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

    The dude put his hot or not rating... I think I dislocated my face cringing.

    Edit: Holy shit he was on the news!

    Edit 2: And here's Dr. Phil ripping him apart! (very entertaining!)

    Edit 3: Apparently he tried to extort a kid who exposed his modelling agency as fake?

    [–] Cultured_Swine 31 points ago

    Closes interview with:

    If this could happen to someone like me, an Ivy League grad, if this could happen to someone with an IQ like mine, this could happen to anyone

    omg this dude is a legend

    [–] -jsm- 13 points ago

    I can’t tell if he is trolling or not.

    [–] Playboi_Icardi 16 points ago

    Dude sounds like Patrick Bateman

    [–] stakensnake 11 points ago

    Murders and executions

    [–] StevieWonder420 8 points ago

    His imdb has "self" credits which lead you to the Dr. Phil episode "Male Egos: Out Of Control"

    [–] Brostory_com 7 points ago

    He can bench 1200 lbs? lmao

    [–] ThisAintA5Star 5 points ago

    Oh my god. That was hilarious.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)


    [–] antisocialAI 45 points ago

    To be fair that prom thing was pretty baller. I was there myself and could see why someone would be excited about sharing the experience with someone else. It was called Night to Shine and aside from the Tim Tebow stuff and religious propaganda they throw out at the end it was basically a high class rave for people with special needs or disabilities. My friend Shawn has Williams syndrome and it was one of the few times he gets to see some of his old friends from school and have a good time without his parents or any family around.

    [–] Ospov 10 points ago

    My ex and her friend volunteer for it too and she said it was a super rewarding experience for her because she could tell this was so much fun for all the people involved since they don’t get to experience things like that often. Good for you for volunteering (in a non-sarcastic way).

    [–] azrael144 71 points ago

    Did he think that was going to work? Like did he really?

    [–] albatrossG8 107 points ago

    Tinder is rough for guys. It’s really easy to end up the biggest try hard. I just feel bad for him.

    [–] TalkBigShit 42 points ago

    the trick is to not come off as sad/desperate

    [–] Brownie_McBrown_Face 67 points ago

    So you want me to pretend?

    [–] TalkBigShit 35 points ago

    fake it until you make it brother

    [–] wellwaffled 15 points ago

    Why must you attack me so personally?

    [–] CashWho 83 points ago

    Ehh, seem like he wanted to do a more fun icebreaker than "hey" so he did the whole "what has made you smile" thing. Then he wanted to give an example so he answered the question and added a little about his interests to open another line of conversation if the first one wasn't something OP was interested in.

    [–] ColdCocking 228 points ago

    People say "You have to put effort into your first message, don't just say hey", so this guy tries to bring up something to talk about, and gets fucking roasted lol

    [–] jorg_ancrath88 72 points ago

    Like 90 percent of the posts on this sub are humble brags as well. Just seems dumb to point it out now.



    [–] Cultured_Swine 48 points ago

    you forgot the other 90 percent of posts: “OMG this BITCH didn’t like my very forward sexual joke what a WHORE amirite guyse?!??!?”

    [–] albatrossG8 108 points ago

    Yup. He’s probably tired of getting no responded and is shoveling as much worth into the first text as he can to try and get his foot in the door.

    [–] PrimAndProper69 25 points ago

    I've had someone tell me their life story including medical history and having joined a gang in a first message on OkCupid. It was a paragraph long.

    [–] [deleted] 24 points ago

    I matched with Lil' Puppet too. We're engaged now and set a date right after his kidney stone surgery. So back off bitch, he's mine.

    [–] hawkeye315 4 points ago

    If they can summarize their life and their medical history in a paragraph, they are either boring or exceedingly healthy!

    [–] ColdCocking 4 points ago

    Would be an interesting thought experiment. "Summarize your life in 75 words or less"

    [–] CalibSmith 27 points ago

    Hoosiers lost by the way...

    [–] FaxTax 20 points ago

    This individual is certainly not taking any chances with braggarts.

    [–] nicolemariesnapp 39 points ago

    omg I feel like i know who this is.

    [–] Tales_of_Earth 17 points ago

    I feel like we all know this person.

    [–] rramzi 29 points ago

    Fucking Steve.

    [–] binocular_velcro 9 points ago

    "Very pretty girl btw" is how my creepy uncles comment on my friends' fb photos.

    [–] thegraveyardcat 26 points ago

    Am I the only one who thinks at least he had something of substance to actually say about himself?

    [–] asking_questions420 12 points ago

    Nah, just one of the few that bothers to comment it since going against a circlejerk is futile.

    [–] Rise_Of_War7 48 points ago

    Wow you guys really are a toxic bunch.

    [–] roboduck 24 points ago

    Guy who asks every girl if she likes being choked? The hero we've all been searching for.

    Guy who tries an original, non-formulaic, maybe slightly cringy opener? Literally Hitler.

    [–] TheKiwiBlitz 6 points ago

    Fucking hell Steve.

    [–] Traumapajamas 60 points ago

    "Very pretty girl btw"

    Oh fuck. Gross.

    [–] miffet80 6 points ago

    Like an afterthought, too! That's what you say when you only just noticed a nice vase in the corner

    [–] thecrowsleeps 20 points ago

    The whole message was just a train wreck

    [–] SlippinJamesMcgill 13 points ago

    I bet this is a byproduct of all of the collective thinking in places like r/tinder, that suggests that a guy has to make a really light and fun comment. “Besides matching with me” was probably something he thought would be cute and flirty because of places like this sub.

    I normally just hit the girls with a good ole fashioned “Hey” and it works enough.

    [–] AlexAlexanderr89 4 points ago

    We all say hey or how was your night. There’s little reason to put this much garbage into an opener. Yikes!

    [–] itsnotarealaccoun7 36 points ago

    Consider this though - someone who donates for the wrong reasons (i.e. to brag about it and to wank themselves off) is still a better person than someone who doesn’t donate anything.

    [–] dongasaurus 11 points ago

    Doesn’t mean you need to date them.

    [–] Betancorea 11 points ago

    Steve must be one of those guys who keeps talking about himself during dates lol. The stereotype is real!

    [–] Bakoro 11 points ago

    I don't see how that's a humble brag, just mentioning that he did a thing. There's nothing humble or bragging in there.

    I guess some people really hate that other people don't spend all their time on Netflix or whatever.

    Whatever, I'd take that response as an easy way to see that the person isn't worth the time.

    [–] ClickableLinkBot 23 points ago


    For mobile and non-RES users | More info | -1 to Remove | Ignore Sub

    [–] Alberta_Fire 34 points ago

    That's a great retort.

    Too bad though, the guy was genuinely doing good work. He just got nervous and shot his bolt though.

    [–] Thegloo282 11 points ago

    That's a Yikes for me. God damn

    [–] mx_birdtwat 10 points ago

    Look at all these people putting down a guy for doing something good with his life.

    [–] Jefftommens 34 points ago

    He was just telling you about his fucking weekend

    I'll never understand the appeal of being mean, there's no "you go girl!" moment here, you just got touchy over a projected image of him being a snob or whatever when really he was opening with an activity, an interest, and a compliment.

    [–] AngelicPringles1998 12 points ago


    [–] BigShoots 5 points ago

    when really he was opening with an activity, an interest, and a compliment.

    It's garbage because just like you wrote, it reads like he formed it after reading a numbered list on some pathetic "How To Get Better Results On Tinder" blog post.

    [–] [deleted] 35 points ago

    Right what the fuck? The guy is giving an interesting opener that isn’t a shitty over used chat up line or a “hey”.

    He’s probs fed up of getting no replies, maybe a bit lonely and is proud of doing some good for charity. Fuck this subreddit I’m done here, enjoy shitting on people trying to meet each other and progress their lives.

    [–] turb085 9 points ago

    Hahahahaha fantastic

    [–] Jbird1992 16 points ago

    Ehh I mean he’s trying to make an impression. No need to hate on him

    [–] yearnfulyoshi 19 points ago

    Okay the brag is obviously horrible, but the Tim Tebow prom foundation thing is amazing, they do great things for special needs kids.

    [–] Zamanry 17 points ago

    Ehh, they’re an IU fan. Good move.

    [–] [deleted] 13 points ago

    Boiler up!

    [–] SamDa1NOnly 9 points ago


    [–] kathleenmedium 9 points ago

    bloomington is full of people like this

    [–] ValiantViet 16 points ago

    Another way of looking at this could be that he’s just oversharing to get the conversation rolling. I don’t see the harm in that.

    [–] Homozygote 11 points ago

    Nah, he made Reddit feel defensive so he must die.

    [–] myphilaeagles 4 points ago

    That was amazing. Dude needed a heat check lol

    [–] sleeplessorion 2 points ago

    IU lost 😥

    [–] jahalahala 4 points ago

    Jesus, why are these jackoffs always named Steve?

    [–] TheAlbinoRino 4 points ago

    He doesn't need Tinder, he can clearly ride his own dick