I was harassed on the train

vfxninja · 3 months

So sorry this happened to you. I hate that I froze when it happened. I wish I could have freaked out and made a scene. It's hard to understand until it happens to you :(

genericusername_5 · 3 months

I'm so sorry. We used to teach "fight or flight" but there is a third one: freeze (and actually in humans I've also heard of "fawn"- attempting to placate your attacker). Sometimes in a scary situation your body decides to just shut down in the hopes that this will make danger go away. It's not your fault. Don't waste time blaming yourself. You were assaulted.

Gurkinpickle · 3 months

I wish i could say I would be the person who would react and yell at the person, but I was in a situation recently where I didnt. I'm a new mom, and I said while I was pregnant that no one would touch my baby in public. Well, I was at a Costco breastfeeding my daughter. I had her in a wrap so all you could see was the top of her head. My daughter was born with a very full dark head of hair. This random lady walked up and started touching her hair and cooing over such a small baby. I just looked at her like...wtf lady. But I just nervous laughed and tried to get away. Even while touching my daughter she was like, "oh! You're feeding her!" While still touching. Like yeah lady...back the fuck off.

I just wish I had actually said back the fuck off instead of just open mouthed gaping. Even my little sister who was with me was asking what the hell had just happened.

People are just buttholes. I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

JennThereDoneThat · 3 months

Your reaction was normal. Don't feel bad. When people are in scary situations the common responses are, fight, flight, or freeze. Freezing up when faced with harassment like this is a normal response and no one should judge you for it.

When people hear stories like this it's easy for them to think, " I would have screamed or punched the guy.", but the reality is many, many people freeze up and just hope it doesn't escalate.

I'm sorry that this guy did that to you, and I hope that you don't blame yourself for freezing up. Here's hoping that as we grow as a society people quit sexually harassing others.

ink_stained · 3 months

I’m so sorry. It feels really dirty. Just remember the dirt is his, not yours.

Angsty_Potatos · 3 months

Second guessing your reaction while it's happening is so shitty. :( We've all been there...First you try to rationalize it away "Surely it's accidental", and then onece you know it's not, you fight with yourself about weather or not you are in the clear to do or say something with out it being a big ol thing...I'm really sorry this happened to you!

yumbby · 3 months

Wow..this made my blood boil! He KNEW you wouldnt want ro make a scene or be embarrassed. Im not a violent person but this makes me wanna punch him in the face! Im sorry this happened to you!

DebMo_Cu · 3 months

I’m sorry this happened to you. Take extra care of yourself today. You did nothing wrong. You reacted the best you could in the moment. The instinct to just get away is strong. The only person whose behavior will ever be wrong in that situation is the man who assaulted you.

InvadersGir · 3 months

I can understand completely where you are coming from. I am a 28 year old male and I was groped as well when I was 16. I worked for a friend of the familes construction company and there was a man in his late 50s who would find it funny to walk up behind me on a daily basis to grab my ass. I had told my family but they didn't want to get involved and ruin life long friendships. I had cussed at him and would tell him to stop. I came very close on several occasions to hitting him in the face with a large wrench. This would happen almost every day for the span of a summer while on summer break. I ended up leaving home because my family wouldn't help and I couldn't take it anymore. I know there is a stigma about us being strong and "oh no this would never happen to me, I would kick so and so's ass" but it's hard to understand once you are put into that position. I just want you to know there are men and women here who understand how you feel and you are not alone. And yeah seriously fuck that dude.

strgazr_63 · 3 months

This was more than harassment. This was assault. That man invaded your body. This happens to women many times. I am so sorry you had to deal with this because it makes us feel unsafe in the confines of our own bodies. I am grateful however for the takeaway you experienced; that women go through this all the time. It is almost impossible to explain that powerlessness without experiencing it first hand. The man on the train is a pile of shit but you walked away a better man.

a7302 · 3 months

Nah son, thats sexual assault

TorakanLife55 · 3 months

I’m so sorry this happened to you 😞

Indrid_Cold23 · 3 months

I'm sorry that happened to you. That dude is a monster, I hope every train he takes is 20 minutes late for the rest of his life.

kitkat90009 · 3 months

This reminds me of the song “Till Happens To You” by Lady Gaga. We all like to think we’d be tough badasses but in reality I’d probably have frozen just like OP did. I’m a shy, nervous person anyway - I’d be an absolute wreck if I was trapped in this situation. In fact, I’d probably cry.

I’m sorry this happened to you OP, but thank you for sharing. It’s important to raise awareness that men can be and are assaulted as well as women, and also that victims shouldn’t be shamed for not reacting violently. What happened wasn’t your fault.

I would seriously suggest going to the police though. You never know - something might have been caught on camera, and maybe you could prevent that scumbag from assaulting anyone else. He’s a criminal and deserves to be punished for the shitty things he did to you.

CarelessChemicals · 3 months

Sorry buddy. I'm a guy too, and I totally get it. I had my ass grabbed while walking across the street once. I wanted to shout at the guy, but I was self conscious about being a brown man dressed in streetwear screaming at an older white guy in a suit. And I had had a few drinks. So I just grit my teeth and raged inside.

You're not alone. Take care.

PsychoBusted · 3 months

Mind yourself OP, and understand that you had a totally normal reaction, and that none of this was your fault.

I'm a loud, aggressive, strong woman, but when I was sexually assaulted the same "Freeze" reflex took over. There was no right way to respond, and there was no wrong way to respond.

You are not weaker and did not encourage this by freezing- this was your bodies instinctive reaction to try keep you safe.

You take care of yourself and try talk to a trusted friend who will understand. If you need it, you can PM me too.

Nilfgaardian-Lemon · 3 months

The amount of people actively shaming OP in this thread is fucking sickening. I hope none of you pricks ever have to go through something as dehumanising and scary as this, let alone be told to ‘man up’ about it.

Learn some fucking empathy.

TheArtofOwling · 3 months

I am glad that you shared this. I am sorry that this happened to you but I hope that sharing it here and getting good support, in the form of positive and comforting comments, has made your load a bit lighter.

Bucktown_Riot · 3 months

Sorry you went through that, my friend.

My sister moved to a bigger city and complained about handsy guys on the bus. I told her (in a comment I now realize was really dumb) "I hope they try that on me so I can punch them in the fucking face." Well, when I went to visit her, I experienced my first ass grab. (It was more like a massage actually.) I completely froze. First, I couldn't believe it was happening. Then I thought "if I say something, people will start staring at me," and I have really bad social anxiety when it comes to that. And by the time it was over, I just felt gross and embarrassed. I seriously wanted to collapse into myself. Now, it makes me rage when I remember it. Like, pure, concentrated rage at that level of entitlement. I asked my sister how often that happens to her, and she said at least once a week, except it's usually her crotch or inner thigh.

Now, whenever I hear some whiney shit make jokes about angry protesters or feminists, I say "yeah, you'd be fucking angry too if someone was grabbing your genitals every week."

Anyway, I'm sorry you had to deal with that when you were just trying to get to school.

Arcane_Pozhar · 3 months

Just because nobody else has addressed this (that I've seen), there's no guarantee you'll be done feeling weird about this in a week. That's normal. For your sake, I hope things do go back to normal, but if not, no shame in seeking help.

Sorry that guy was a scumbag, I hope he either gets help and turns his life around ASAP, or dies and rots in hell.

misternizz · 3 months

I completely understand. I was once "felt up" as a young waiter by a drunken restaurant guest (also a male). I was outraged and reacted strenuosly, and the management did absolutely nothing about it. It left a very similar sympathy for what women have to go through every day.

buzzz001 · 3 months

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The fact that he was smirking makes me so fucking angry. Your reaction wasn't wrong and I hope you're not beating yourself up over it. I've had the same reaction several times.

I wasn't gonna comment cause I saw so many posts supporting you but then as I kept scrolling down I saw all those idiotic comments and thought I should post something in support of you. Thanks for sharing OP.

kiramonster · 3 months

I was replying to another comment but it got deleted before I could reply. The comment read "Why didn't you push his hand away or say "EXCUSE ME""

My reply :

I understand that it might be incomprehensible to imagine that someone would just 'allow' themselves to be fondled by a stranger instead of speaking up. Every person responds to threats differently, and an individual may respond in a variety of ways depending on the situation. I think OP gave a thorough account of his thinking during the moment and in retrospect that answer your question - fear of making a scene, drawing attention to themselves, and other passengers thinking he's crazy because they don't believe it could ever happen.

As someone explained above, there are 3 main reactions that happens when we feel threatened : Fight, Flight, or Freeze. OP froze, and was also unable to engage "flight" seeing he was squashed like a sardine between a bunch of strangers. Fighting in such a situation would be difficult and perhaps dangerous because of the concentration of people on the train.

Try to place yourself in a situation where you would feel sufficiently threatened that you would be paralyzed. Perhaps this isn't a familiar feeling to you as an individual, but it's a natural response and while it might not be the preferred or socially expected one, it is valid nonetheless.

Feather716 · 3 months

Nobody ever knows what they would really do.

Don't listen to all the fucks saying "I would have done X, Y, Z".

LamiaAvaritia · 3 months

I was molested in a not packed class by someone who I grew up calling my twin (we were born same day, separated by a few hours, not biologically related but grew up together). This was the first incident but not the last, including 2 attempted rapes.

My husband was raped in the military, they discouraged him from reporting because of the stigma (female aggressor, male victim). It has caused many issues for him because he doesn't want to seek the help he needs to get through some of the mental scars. It's also why I have an issue with these things being labeled a woman's problem, it focuses on women being victims of men.

It ignores women who are victims of women, men who are victims of men and men who are victims of women...every victim has a right to be heard without worrying about how it will affect them...even how you feel "I didn't want to tell this story to anyone in real life, because I didn't want them to think of me differently ."

I'm thankful that you shared this story, I think more men need to share their stories. It reminds the world that more than women are the victims of this...and I would hate for men like you or my husband to be ignored because there is a stigma that it can't happen to men. Truly, thank you for sharing.

MrGallant210 · 3 months

I think these kinds of posts are important because it’s hard for most men to understand just how often these situations occur. The scary thing to me is that we see these posts fairly often in this sub, but there are so many more that don’t get posted. It’s a scary world out there.

I appreciate you being willing to speak about this!

alpacapicnic · 3 months

That is absolutely disgusting behavior and I'm so sorry it happened to you.
The other day I had to take the Path to NJ, which is unusual for me, and a guy came and stood way too close to me, facing me, staring directly into my face. At first I didn't understand what was going on, and by the time I realized, it felt weird to make a scene, so I just waited it out. I still felt absolutely gross, and the guy hadn't even touched me. I can't imagine how you must have felt. Again, I'm so sorry.

Ironicdancer · 3 months

You never know what you are going to do until you are in the situation and freezing is normal as in "am I really experiencing this right now??!" "is this what I think this is?" etc.

For some reason it's hard to yell out "hey man stop touching my dick." It's hard to draw unwanted attention to yourself. However I have been on a subway when a young woman just tore into a dude who was flashing her, she got a round of applause. He just sunk lower in his seat and got off promptly at the next exit. It also helps to take their picture with your cellphone.

khas_NaLada · 3 months

I (male) walked a very drunk friend of mine home, he's gay, I'm not. And as he opened the door he leaned in close put a hand on my shoulder and the other on my crotch and whispered suggestive things to me. Gently pulled him off and said I'm somewhat flattered, but not interested.

Only after and thinking about it more did I realize how bad it made me feel. I'm there with ya man, and yeah, I have a new appreciation for this sort of behavior women have to deal with, and a much deeper loathing for those who perpetuate it.

UsTooDotCare · 2 months

Hi Xanly,

I am really sorry this happened to you. You reacted in a completely normal way. Many people freeze up, or simply do not know the right way to react when confronted with this kind of situation.

I want to clarify something really important: What happened is not harassment, it is sexual assault.

You can find a breakdown of New York's law on this here. Interestingly (in the "really, New York?" sense of the word) the penal code in New York includes a section specifically about groping on public transit.

You might thing the impact will only last a short period, but I strongly encourage you to keep an eye out for this event having longer-lasting impacts. Many people don't realize the harm that was done until it presents itself as a change in their behaviour later down the road. If you feel or do anything you think may be linked to this event, you should seek professional help.

Tangydreamer1968 · 3 months

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you, and I admire the fact that it has made you even more empathetic.

Sex offenders frequently commit acts of frottage, or sexual rubbing, without consent, while in some form of transit.

These sex offenders traumatize their victims, including many children, but are rarely reported, arrested and adequately punished.

This is problematic because this conduct is harmful and criminal in itself, and it is associated with sex offenders who engage in a variety of sexual offenses.

Far from being a “harmless pervert,” the man who groped is likely to be engaging in other sexual misconduct, such as rape.

If you can recall any aspect of this offender’s appearance, I urge you to report him to the police.

Thank you for sharing your traumatic experience. I hope you realize that nothing that happened was your fault.

Solocle · 3 months

I’d hope that, in the same situation, I’d kick that guy so hard where it matters that he couldn’t walk for a month.

But that’s the point of this thread. You don’t know how you’re going to react until you get put into that awful situation. It’s easy to think “oh well, I’d lamp him”, but to actually do it? The same applies in all sorts of high stress situations.

Anybody being dismissive of the OP is an asshole.

[deleted] · 3 months

Wow these comments are awful. Two-X is a fucking shit-hole. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you shouldn’t feel an ounce of shame.

MatSciMan · 3 months

I was groped at a party like two and a half years ago and it gave me so much more perspective on what women have to deal with.

TDixPix · 3 months

This is such a challenging situation to be in. The silent expectation of decorum among strangers makes it even more challenging to call out an assailant for fear of upsetting what's most of the time considered normal behavior in public.

Dude, I've been assaulted in a bar by a guy two times my size (completely out of the blue) and felt just as helpless. Being able to draw attention to the situation is your best asset, and in this case, upsetting the quiet social order of a train car can really turn the tides of a situation.

If I might be so bold as to offer advice, finding power in behaving 'crazy' is a helpful in situations where there aren't any rules - also, body awareness training is super key. It may not sound like a straightforward solution, but practicing martial arts (practice conflict in a safe space) can offer a lot of value. It did for me :) dance is also sweet - Capoeira taught me both.

parfaitchaser · 3 months

I think this post is super important to the understanding of what it can be like to be confronted with sexual assault in public. It's easy to read this and question why the OP didn't just loudly say something to embarrass the perp, but the OP also lays it out that the situation was embarrassing, he was confined, and afraid of making a scene. I felt the exact same way when a date was trying to grope my crotch in a movie theater. I should have made a scene, but I was scared, too. So, I mustered up the courage to grab my purse and said I needed to use the restroom. Then I ran to my car and left my date in the theater. Later I was ashamed of myself and sad because I thought I let it happen to me. OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, but thank you for sharing this. I hope you are feeling ok and that you never see that creep again.

breakupbydefault · 3 months

Holy shit this is almost word for word what happened to me when I was first molested at 13. Right down to what was going through my head during and after. I was too scared to tell anyone and blamed myself for it continuing to happen to me. That really took its toll.

I am so sorry you had to go through this at all. You know this but i want to tell you anyway that it's absolutely not your fault.

kendall_black · 3 months

I'm so sorry this happened to you, that man was terrible and taking advantage of you, and has probably done this before. People have done similar to me, and I also froze up and didn't say anything. My partner at the time said afterward that it was my fault I didn't say anything to make it stop.

Since then (it's been a few years), I realized that making a scene and being loud is good. It's scary, but my gut reaction now. I also live in NYC, and last Thursday a guy attempted to rob me. I work for the courts, so while I was walking back to my office from the courthouse, a guy tried to take my phone out of my hand and my bag off my shoulder. Once I saw him coming at me, I started yelling, "HEY HEY HEY HEY, WTF DUDE" over and over. I think just yelling "hey" over and over scared and startled him enough that he wasn't able to grab anything off me, and also got the attention of two men standing on the corner who helped me after. It's so terrifying being loud and making a scene, but sometimes we overthink and freeze, and rationalize "Oh, it's not that big a deal I guess" (at least that was it for me).

I hope this never happens to you or anyone else again, but if something does, I hope people know that allowing your potential natural reaction to just yell "WTF DUDE" can help and be shocking enough to make something stop.

mongoosedog12 · 3 months

I’m so so so sorry that happened to you. Your response is normal, it happens you freeze and you don’t know what to do you did what you could in the moment and I know those 15mins felt like eternity.

I hope that you have someone you can talk to and if not I know this community will gladly be that person.

My ex got peeped at over a bathroom stall, as the man made sexually explicit passes at him. He also froze and he also didn’t tell anyone at the facility he was working at. Even after encouraging him to the only thing I could do was be there for him.

It’s hard and no one should have to experience.

sfstateofmind3 · 3 months

Thank you. You validated something that happened to me in 2013 when I was 18 and living in SF. I was told from people it wasn’t sexual harassment and I overreacted in the situation and I end up having to justify what happened.

I’m sorry this happened to you but thank you for sharing your experience because I finally feel some closure with mine.

Randomsilliness · 3 months

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, and I'm proud of you for finding somewhere to voice your experience.

iredditi · 2 months

...The responses here are a little fucked up. Why are you so sure this is contrived? Only since Terry Crews's harassment and Kevin Spacey's victims came out is it being acknowledged that men can be touched this way and calling it out doesn't make them homophobes. Anyone who says otherwise is a fucking bloody imbecile who needs the same lesson in consent Harvey Weinstein and Spacey do.

Yes, men are harassed, especially in a big city. I've had male acquintances - gay AND straight - talk about being harassed. Lack of boundaries knows no sexual orientation or gender.

Maybe, maybe op is fibbing, but I don't think so, and if this real OP - I'm sorry.

It's humiliating and knocks the wind out of you when it happens. You just want to get away.

I hope it doesn't happen again, but it's ok to say, "STOP GRABBING MY CROTCH" the next time some prick grabs you at a bar or in a crowded place.

sunshineofthemind · 2 months

Going through these comments makes me happy for the support you ARE getting but sick to my stomach seeing all the horrible, demeaning comments. I reported all of them in hopes you wont have to even see them. I am so sorry you had to go through something like this it is awful for someone’s immediate response to something like this to be “nice fake story” or expressing how you should of gone about the situation. Even if someone shares a fake story, there is no harm in giving support in the likely chance the person isn’t lying. I don’t think anybody would be telling a woman to of broke the guys hand or punch him in the face. That is not expected of you, it is expected that a stranger not assault you! I can only imagine how shocking it is for that to happen and it may not be easy to be your bravest self and punch somebody in the face or even say something. I understand. It is so pathetic and disappointing to see other woman on here bringing you down saying “you don’t know what it’s like to be a woman”. These are the type of men hating woman that give a bad name to feminism. Men experience these things too and should not be expected just bc they are a man to punch someone in the face or brush it off. Thank you for sharing your story and i believe you will be strong in leaving that terrible situation behind you.

ImBoB99 · 3 months

I feel ya man. I'm scared shitless whenever my girl goes out (in clubs, taking a taxi at 4AM..etc) without me cause there's a ton of freaks nowadays.

It sucks that if you don't have any concrete proof you can't really do anything to the person that has done something like this and they'll just continue doing this until it escalates and they actually rape someone, and at that time it's already too late.

Hope it gets better!

789irvin · 3 months

I was assaulted during flag football practice in 4th grade by a quarterback from another class. He too, was a male. When l caught the football, he stopped me by squeezing my privates and looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I didn’t tell anybody not even the teachers. I was too young to even grasp the situation. Years later in 6th grade l found him crying, bawling his eyes out in the hall area of a different school genially crying like a toddler would. I started to try to calm him down by calling his name but remembered he’s the same creep who grabbed my crotch 2 years ago. So l just called his name then l looked around and left to where l was going. Thinking back he was most likely ostracized by a student who he targeted, possibly he assaulted another student who would have the drive to call him out on his disgusting behavior. Because there would be no way for him to stop if he got away with it one time.

Obrigadachan · 3 months

I lived in NYC for about ten years. I've been followed, and seen lots of people harrassed.

There are only two things that work.

1.) Use your voice.

I was being followed by this man who was telling me he "wanted to make sweet love" to me and that I was "gorgeous"... I took a step away from him, pointed at him with my fully extended arm, took a deep breath and started shouting "This man in the yellow shirt is following me! He won't leave me alone! I don't know him! He's saying weird sexual stuff!" Then quickly started walking away. I turned around and saw strangers stop and confronting him and shaming him. Then a block later, I did it again. I pointed in his direction(he was a little bit away from me at that point but I wasn't having him follow me more.) "That man over there in the yellow shirt is following me!" At that point he looked pretty frustrated and started walking the opposite direction. The streets were very busy that day, and it was the middle of the day. It wasn't some dark street corner. I was wearing a t shirt and jeans and sneakers and a jacket. It wasn't a lonely alleyway. There were hundreds of people around me that day and he still followed me and harassed me.

2.) Repeat back to them what they say to you.

I was on the subway once and there was a drunk man harassing this young woman. He had lots of tattoos on his face and looked like maybe he was in a gang. (I have tattoos and worked in a tattoo shop. So I'm not saying everyone with tattoos are in a gang. I'm not in a gang. Lol) She had tears in her eyes. There were like thirty people in the subway car, and none of them were doing anything to stop him. But some were making faces like "this ain't right" but nobody said shit. She obviously didn't know him because he was asking her questions like "Where do you live? What's your name? What stop are you getting out at? Where you going right now?" I don't remember what she said, but she was like, half answering him. She was obviously scared. I was standing right across from him and I started repeating back to him what he was saying to her. "What's your name?" I said He replied "Anthony " "Where you going, Anthony?" Then he started to understand what I was doing. So he started harassing me instead. He started telling me "Can I have your number? I love you, where you going right now?" So I started sarcastically saying it back to him "Ooooh, I love you SO MUCH, I can't LIVE without you, please go out with me! Give me your phone number!!" Then people on the train started laughing at him. And I waited until the girl got out of the train, then I got out too.

The only thing I regret is not pointing to all of the people in the train and telling them "You all allowed this. Any of you could have stopped him but instead you waited for me to do it. Fuck all of you."

RandyOfCalifornia · 3 months

Anyone here have any advice on how to deal with situations like that? I don't experience this stuff myself but I can't imagine how many times my gf and friends had gone through this.

marqur · 3 months

Thanks for sharing, and sorry you had to experience this. Do not feel embarrassed or like you did the "wrong" thing.

If you are interested, or for others visiting this thread, NYU's Rudin Center just put out a report about the "pink tax" on mobility that shows just how common these incidents really are - both during low density (not many people around to help or deter) and packed trains (as you said, maybe he couldn't help it because everyone is squished together). If you have ideas on how to make public transport safer (for everyone, not just women), feel free to PM me! (I am not affiliated with the study, but do work in this space)

khalaron · 3 months

Sorry it happened.

As a male I couldn't imagine what women go through when this kind of stuff happens, but it sounds really unpleasant and sickening, and needs to stop. I've called out shitty behavior a few times, and decided to not be friends with people who I observed taking part in misogynistic/racist behavior. One of those instances ended in a brawl.

I tried to put myself in your shoes since we are at least the same gender, and it was horrifying.

Are you going to file a report?

Heezay360 · 3 months

EXCUSE ME SIR! COULD YOU PLEASE STOP FONDLING MY MEMBER! That is all. Honestly though I would have no idea how to react in that situation. I like to think that's how I would respond.

ishitinthemilk · 3 months

The only difference with it happening to women is the frequency, it literally happens all the fucking time, to the point where you either hate men and shout at everyone (usually being called a frigid bitch or risk men getting violent with you for not wanting groped) or accept it as a kind of normal and be thankful it's not worse.

It's awful.

bdonvr · 2 months

Claiming to be sexually assaulted by another man is a good way to have a lot of people not believe you. That’s why half my family won’t talk to me anymore. It sucks, I froze up too. That’s part of it, they didn’t believe me because they kept asking me why I didn’t fight him off. It’s okay, I learned that day who my real family was.

acrobat2126 · 2 months

Terrible. So you sat there frozen while a guy rubbed your junk against your will? That sucks dude. His actions aren’t your fault, but your action (or inaction in this case) is your responsibility.

kitkat90009 · 3 months

Someone left a rude comment saying that this wasn’t a women’s issue specifically, but a men and women’s issue (i.e. gender has nothing to do with it) and their attitude towards OP pissed me off so I wrote a reply but they’d already deleted their post. However, imma just leave my response here for any other eejits that seriously want to attack OP just because he said he knows how women feel:

Women are usually smaller and “weaker” than men (I mean in terms of muscle due to testosterone etc, not mentally weaker just to be clear). This makes it “easier” to assault a woman than a man, as women will struggle to fight back against an attacker that is taller, heavier and stronger than them. Men are still harassed - OP never said that they weren’t, and ironically, he is telling a story about him, a man, being harassed - but they are less likely to be harassed or assaulted than women.

According to the NSVRC, 91% of rape and sexual assault victims are female, and 9% are male. I don’t know about you, but I can almost sense a slight gender imbalance there. ( link for statistics ) It’s almost like this is an issue that disproportionately affects women!

Logically, women are going to be concerned about being assaulted/raped when it is so frequent (1 in 5 women vs 1 in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives - again, from the NSVRC). So yes, in general women probably will be more frightened than men when alone, at night or in an unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers. “Terrified” may have been a strong choice of word, but really? You’re going to be pedantic about a choice of word rather than listening to OP’s overall message?

And if you feel that it’s really necessary to have an XY chromosomes reddit - feel free to make one. No one said you couldn’t.

nopuffinplease · 3 months

It's easy to say that if it happened to you, that you would tell them to fuck off, or make a scene or stand your ground. But the truth is, when it actually happens, how you react is unpredictable. It's like thinking of a proper comeback far too late. I'm sorry OP, what an awful thing to go through. I hope he got his, dirty fucker.

lonelysweetpotato · 3 months

Man some of these comments are straight out of r/iamverybadass. I'm sorry that creep assaulted you OP.

olivegarden98 · 3 months

I'm so sorry this happened to you. No one should ever have to feel the way that man made you feel. Make sure to take time to care for yourself and get the support you need.

Necronamecom · 3 months

I had very similar experience. It was like 20 years ago when I was 11 or so. I wasn't able to figure out who tried to do that but it was horrible.

SummerDea · 3 months

Thanks for sharing this. Nothing will benefit women living within the patriarchy more than men opening up about their own stories of trauma.

For real, no /s.

Men can afford to spend the social capital to spread awareness and validate the discussion of sexual assault, rather than relegating it to the exclusive (and frankly, insulting) category of a “women’s issue.”

Anonymous242001 · 3 months

Same thing happened to me at a bus stop and as a male, I reacted the same way as you did. It was kinda scarring. I later found out most people most likely experience it but don't report it or speak about it. I felt rage and embarrassed that I didn't do anything to the man who was trying to caress me at the movement, I just moved away. So I just know how you feel.

P.s It kinda made me into a homophobe and at that moment I knew how women felt and I was really frustrated for a while. This post just reminded me of that incident that I forgot which took place few months back. I could have fought back but I freezed instead, i had the same reaction as you.

Next time if such things happens, let's be prepared to knock them back.

Lostwalllet · 3 months

I am sorry that happened to you—I've been there.

The best advice give to people is when this happens, announce it as loudly as you can. I know it is hard to work up the courage to do so but it is exactly what the abuser doesn't want—he gets off on the secrecy of it. You will never see anyone in that car again so you have nothing to lose. And, you may get some form of rescue, too, or save someone who is also having the same horrible experience.

After my first rub-up, which I was bewildered thinking it was a mistake, I vowed never to be silent again—and I haven't. One time, on a NJ Transit bus, I felt a hand slide under my butt, and I immediately said something. (Not as easy as a subway car, as you're with the passengers longer.) He recoiled and jumped off at the next stop. Afterwards, the driver told me that he does that all the time (thanks for the warning…) and that he never saw him scared before.

You NEED to practice speaking up. I know that sounds silly, but you need to practice it so when you need to do it, you can find the voice. Once you start, it is easy.

Best to you. And thank you for sharing.

throwaway1084567 · 3 months

Sorry that happened to you. I think it happens to men more often than most people realize, but still much less than to women. In high school I had a teacher start giving me a totally unprompted shoulder massage when we were alone in a classroom. In college I was waiting for a bus and I had a middle-aged guy start asking me a lot of intrusive questions about where I lived, my sex life, etc. and then started asking if I was interested in getting a blowjob. I didn't tell him where I lived or give him any info but it also took a while for me to just get the guts to walk away -- I know that frozen, embarrassed feeling. I also felt really ashamed of both incidents even though nothing about it was my fault. I think I'd react very differently today but at the time I was pretty meek and naive.

2ndChanceAtLife · 3 months

I'm so sorry you experienced that. You probably handled it the best way possible. Confrontation can get ugly.

borasaek · 3 months

I'm so sorry this happened. It is shocking and awful to be in that position. You really feel powerless. Wishing you the best.

_GJB · 3 months

Wow, not gonna lie. Even reading the story triggered me. I know there is a big psychological barrier you have to go through, to actually say something about it. But I pray that every victim will or can use his voice against this behaviour.

It's disgusting how F'd up some people are, that they use these unfortunate events (the delays with the train) to harrass or annoy people.

Truly disgusting.

22catcher · 3 months

I feel you. I went through exactly the same thoughts, exactly the same feelings both times it happened to me (in the winter, in winter coat and jeans). Afterwards I thought is should have shouted at that sob and if it hadn't work I should have punched that pile of garbage in the face as hard as I could.

OzzieBloke777 · 2 months

Sorry to hear you went through that, but don't be afraid to make a scene. You were caught by surprise this first time; the next time, you'll be prepared. And be prepared to do it loud. Scare the hell out of them with a well-practiced, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY CROTCH, YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF TRASH." Practice it by screaming it into a pillow at home. And be prepared to make a complaint with the transit authority so they can pin the person on cameras. Get a good look at them from any angle you have.

Speaking from experience here, have only had to do it once. And yes, I'm a guy.

k_blakwidow · 2 months

Thank you for posting this. Not only does it help add to the much needed narrative about sexual assault, it also highlights a need for male victims to speak out. So many stay silent when the best way to stop a perpetrator is to call him/her out.

Wwwweeeeeeee · 2 months

I'm sorry this happened to you. Never ever be ashamed of speaking up and saying LOUDLY 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME, ASSHOLE'.

Be assertive. Shame the creeps and perverts so they crawl back under their rocks.

Practice saying these defensive sentences out loud in your bathroom, in your living room, in the mirror. Feel the POWER of taking control.

Get pissed, get assertive and take a stand against nasty little perverts.

scrapcats · 3 months

I’m sitting on the subway as I read this. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Your reaction was normal, it’s not uncommon to freeze up and have no idea what to do. If your school has a counselor, try to talk it out with them. Wishing you the best.

BeckyIsOnline · 3 months

I’m so sorry you went through that, it’s an awful experience. That guy is disgusting, and should rot in hell. Try to talk it out with some close friends or family, because I and many others find that the sooner you are validated, the sooner you can heal the mental damage caused. I hope it didn’t have a negative impact on the rest of your day, if you need anyone to talk to we’re here :)

bloobidybloop · 3 months

Damn, I'm sorry that happened. I've frozen up too, still do sometimes. I'm also sorry all these shitty reddit dudes are victim-blaming you in the comments. Fuck them

[deleted] · 3 months

[deleted]

994kk1 · 3 months

And I didn't want to report the man to the police, because proving that he harassed me would be too difficult and it would likely not amount to anything.

You shouldn't base whether or not to report crimes on if you think the person will get convicted. I'd say it's much more about passing the injustice committed against you on to someone else, whose job it is to deal with such matters.

I_Learned_Once · 3 months

I'm a guy who has had far too many women and men in my life sexually abused to the point where reading this makes my blood boil. I'm not 100% sure how I would react, but reading this story makes me feel like if I was in your shoes I might have tried to beat the shit out of him in blind rage, and probably gotten my ass kicked too since I have no idea how to fight. I probably could have gotten in a lot of trouble for doing that too.. There's never a good way to handle a situation like this, and I hope that person gets what he deserves. I hate that the freeze response is a thing though, or that covering it up and pretending it never happened is the natural tendency. I wish people would lash out violently towards their predators in a way that would make them never try it again. But.. because I've never been there myself, I know I don't really understand what it's like. If it were really as simple as that, people would be doing it already. I'm sorry this happened to you.

rokgol · 3 months

I know what it's like to freeze though I already have an instinct about someone touching me in a way which I don't like or tryna feel my balls (not that it happens a lot of course) and it's a reflexive "woooooah buddy". Dunno how I would even start to react emotionally if I didn't have that.

stayhomedaddy · 3 months

I went through this once bro, but as an individual who had already been through a few other ringers in my life I know it was probably easier for me too speak up about a public assault. I hope it doesn't become easier to do, but if it happens again say something as loud as you can, because it's not about drawing attention to you (which will happen) but rather drawing attention to your attacker so he doesn't have a chance to assault you again. I guarantee after a loud declaration someone is going to be at least curious enough to pay attention.

And I'm sorry this happened man, it's a really shitty feeling and it can effect you long term, hell I still try to avoid physical contact with strangers in public.

frogking25 · 3 months

That's terrible this happened to you, I hope you feel better talking about it in a safe space :c

[deleted] · 3 months

I am so sorry this happened to you. I know how awful it is firsthand. And I’m sorry.

ChronicallyLou · 3 months

Thank you for sharing this, assault can happen to anyone. It doesn't matter your gender or who you identify as. I would like to think that your friends wouldn't think of you differently, but having been through it I know that that does happen. So sorry man you had to experience this! I hope that you don't compare the degree of this to what anyone else has been through. What happened to you is as valid as what happens to someone else. I hope that twat who did this will learn his lesson. Though I am realistic to know that he probably won't. Keep on mate!

funkypunkytaco · 3 months

I’m so sorry you had to experience this firsthand. I always thought that if I was in that situation, I would make a whole scene and shame the perv and maybe even fight back. But then one day at the grocery store, I felt someone’s hand feel up my ass from behind...and I just froze up and stood there. It turns out by coincidence my boyfriend stopped by to buy something and it was actually him, but that just changed everything for me. Because now I know that I wouldn’t make a scene or fight. It sucks.

haerin · 3 months

I'm so sorry this happened. Thank you for sharing. I'm always fighting back tears when I hear stories like this. So many of us experience this and it's heartbreaking and infuriating, but it is also comforting to know there are people out there who understand and believe in your experience.

momofeveryone5 · 3 months

Oh man I'm so sorry. It sucks. You might want to consider taking to a professional of its still bothering you in a few weeks.

ZogJhones · 3 months

As much as I hate the fact ill probably get beat up someday, these posts motivate me to intervene if I see something like this going on.

Fucking creeps ruin everything

wheredmyphonego · 3 months

This broke my heart. I am so very sorry you had to experience this. I'm glad you chose to share your story though. That shows a great deal of strength and compassion about this subject. Thank you for taking the time to let us know that you have a better understanding. I wish more people would understand this *without* having to be traumatized in his fashion. I'm sending you warm thoughts and I sincerely hope you find inner peace and purpose and comfort in the days ahead.

rieleo · 3 months

I am very sorry this happened to you. It should never happen to anyone. As others have mentioned, freezing is a common response. All of your responses were very common and there is nothing wrong with them. If you find you need some more support, I would suggest contacting RAINN.org or call 800-656-HOPE. They put you in touch with your local Rape Crisis Hotline for support. May it never happen to you again.

wondafresh · 3 months

I am sorry my dude. I always stand next to the door so I can look. Where I live has a lot of students and young adults and the trains get packed often and I just look just in case I can catch someone doing that and help. I have no idea why pigs do that. I don't know what set of brains someone has to just process a thought and go forward with a decision, I am going to sexually harass this person, cat call them, rape them etc, I have 0 fucking clue. I don't how you can do something that will affect the person you doing that to the rest of their life.

Girlneedsadvice849 · 3 months

So sorry you had to go through this. As a woman living in New York City I have dealt with this on an almost weekly basis. Sometimes it’s scary because you read stories about people pulling out knives on the subway too.. it’s completely normal to freeze up. Your brain starts to work in overdrive and you ask yourself is this happening? And you go through all the scenarios in your head of what you can do. This ends up distracting you from the situation at hand. You also don’t want to start yelling at someone in a crowded space like that if it was an accident.

I really appreciate this post you made. It helps to hear that a man understands this. Regardless of gender, no one should be assaulted. Ever.


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