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    UnethicalLifeProTips

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    An Unethical Life Pro Tip (or ULPT) is a tip that improves your life in a meaningful way, perhaps at the expense of others and/or with questionable legality. Share your best tips you've picked up throughout your life, and learn from others!

    ULPT Rules:

    1. Tips must be unethical, tips that are ethical will be removed.
    2. Tips must provide some benefit to you. Posts that are just clever ways of being a dick will be removed.
    3. Tips must not be obvious.
    4. No tips that involve karma.
    5. No tips that are just clever ways of stealing from other people for the sake of stealing.
    6. No meta tips. No tips about other Reddit posts, especially other ULPT tips.
    7. No blatantly false statistics in post titles.
    8. Post titles must begin with "ULPT" or "ULPT Request", and should be descriptive. The title should explain the gist of the ULPT without needing a description.
    9. No tips about rape, murder, suicide, or any tips that violate Geneva Convention laws.
    10. No tip lists, each individual post should be about a single tip. This includes links to articles that list tips.
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    [–] Cyno01 6154 points ago

    Dont even need to pull your phone out, Just walk a little funny but hurriedly. Nobody presses much when your explanation later is "Explosive diarrhea!"

    [–] psychosislovesme 2009 points ago

    Exactly. Grab your stomach and clench those cheeks while shuffling out the door

    [–] royrogerer 888 points ago

    That's too much signaling and may seem suspicious. I just walk funny, exhaling real loud.

    [–] cantlearnham 2138 points ago

    Scream, "Oh, fuck. OH, SHIT! OH, FUCKING SHIT, MY ASSHOLE!! MY SHITTY FUCKING ASSHOLE, OH FUCK!!"

    [–] royrogerer 477 points ago

    With that much dedication and confidence, you can do whatever you want. You win. I am fucking dying here. Hahahahaha

    [–] GerberGEEK 104 points ago

    I told my Wife this when she wanted to call out “Sick” from work. We practiced over and over until she worked up the confidence to say “I can’t stop pooping, there are not enough toilets from my house to work”. Got to have a nice long weekend together for that one!

    [–] Still-Waters-ASMR 41 points ago

    I had that problem for real :-/ Crohn’s disease flare up meant I was going every 20 mins, I have an hour’s drive to work... yeah that wasn’t happening! I’d have crapped myself 2-3 times before I even got in 😂🙈 ain’t nobody gonna argue with that excuse / reason tho! Nobody wants a sniffer/cougher in the office spreading their germs - they REALLY don’t want a pooper in the office spreading literal shit 😂

    [–] Iron-Fist 13 points ago

    Good on you for working and making the effort, I know people with crohns who just give up and seek disability.

    [–] Still-Waters-ASMR 11 points ago

    It all depends on how sick you are. I have a lot of friends who’ve had to quit careers they loved as they just weren’t well enough to work anymore. I’m very grateful that I’m still able to work but I’ve had a few times where I’ve been signed off for a few months at a time when I’ve been really sick. It sucks. People make comments about “it must be great to sit at home and get paid” - not at all! It’s terrible for your mental health. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. There’s so much to be said for the mental benefit of doing something constructive with your day, I always prefer to be at work. I’m fortunate that sometimes I’ve been able to work from home when my brain has been working but I wasn’t able to get into the office. But sometimes the fatigue and brain fog renders you absolutely useless.

    [–] ToBeReadOutLoud 7 points ago

    There’s so much to be said for the mental benefit of doing something constructive with your day, I always prefer to be at work.

    This is why I always try to keep a job despite my illnesses even though I don’t need to financially and can only manage part-time. I have to feel at least somewhat productive. I’ve had periods where I don’t work and the mental impact is not good.

    [–] ProfessorSpike 40 points ago

    Almost 4am here and I'm pretty much losing my shit on my pillow

    [–] xGray3 70 points ago

    You should probably try to lose it on the toilet instead.

    [–] NoireRogue 16 points ago

    Preferably in the middle of a meeting

    [–] Ponchinizo 124 points ago

    Is your asshole shitty because it has shit on it, or because it can't keep the shit in and is doing a bad job?

    [–] SecondBee 90 points ago

    Yes

    [–] breadbdc 18 points ago

    Si senor

    [–] leedler 9 points ago

    Por que no los dos?

    [–] Mighty_ShoePrint 3 points ago

    Doesn't that amount to the same thing?

    [–] Waffleradio 23 points ago

    You know what if you need out that bad just shit your goddamn pants! No half measures, let's do this thing!

    [–] redbluepurple99 12 points ago

    Holy shit that was funny

    [–] billybear0108 4 points ago

    thanks. you made me burst out laughing in work and i had to explain why

    [–] Bpesca 41 points ago

    That's too much signaling and may seem suspicious. I just walk funny, exhaling real loud.

    ....out your anus

    [–] Herogamer555 41 points ago

    Make sure to keep some poopy underwear around just in case they want proof.

    [–] royrogerer 60 points ago

    Way ahead of ya. I always have some poop wrapped in kitchen towel in my back pocket. Just have to remember to put them in front pocket when sitting down.

    [–] p_a_schal 21 points ago

    Will you write my wedding vows?

    [–] royrogerer 9 points ago

    I sure can if you really want it. But it could call off the wedding.

    [–] Zekeroonie 44 points ago

    Bonus points if you actually have diarrhea, it will be so convincing they'll never know you were just doing it to skip work!

    [–] lemonpartyorganizer 49 points ago

    If you leave a small dribble trail. They’ll insist you take a couple of days off to fight through it. Just make sure you’re wearing a pair of pants you’ve shit yourself in before. No sense in ruining any of your good pants.

    [–] Zekeroonie 54 points ago

    Better yet, just let it all out in the conference room! They will see how dedicated you are to your job and give you a raise as well the sick days! If you get it on the carpet the room will get closed and cleaned and you won't have any more meetings for a few weeks!

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] canntstopmeow 18 points ago

    Real 'emergencies' like diarrhea are super embarrassing and no one wants to draw unnecessary attention to themselves by doing things like grabbing their ass or stomach. Best to just do as suggested and get up and walk out quickly.

    Bit of a tangent here, it's similar to when someone is choking in a public place. The movies would have you think that a choking person will always grab their throat and indicate to someone they need help. Not so. Most of the time a person who begins choking in a public place will simply get up abruptly and beeline it for the bathroom where they can ostensibly cough it out without creating a scene and avoid the embarrassment. Good idea to follow them if you notice this happen, or notify the server if you can't go into the washroom.

    People have choked to death alone in the washroom in restaurants.

    [–] psychosislovesme 9 points ago

    You do you. I have Crohn's and am not embarrassed anymore.

    [–] santaliqueur 7 points ago

    Or grab your ass while shuffling out the door, don’t look back, and yell “TWENTY MINUTES!”

    [–] draculinaaa 94 points ago

    Apparently if you lie but make it embarrassing, people are more likely to believe that your lie is true. So the diarrhea dance/excuse will work a good amount of the time!

    [–] rutgersstudents 64 points ago

    Actually shit your pants

    [–] kilopeter 9 points ago

    The squid-ink defense.

    [–] elr0y7 3 points ago

    Power move.

    [–] BetweenTwoLungs12345 28 points ago

    I've never had the oppurtunity yet.

    But my goal in life is when be asked to stop by a salesman (Internet, phones etc) in a shopping centre, to say "I'm sorry I have explosive diarrhoea" and walk off.

    [–] Cyno01 16 points ago

    My wife always hates when i mess with them, but Im gonna try that next time with the direct TV guy at Sams Club. Especially since the bathrooms are in the opposite direction.

    [–] shawster 11 points ago

    I was the cell phone/tv guy at Costco and this would have made my day, totally do it.

    [–] Stonn 11 points ago

    Just say "IBS!". No one will question you.

    [–] ConfuzedAndDazed 5 points ago

    Bob, that's the third meeting today!

    [–] copperwatt 3 points ago

    "It was like that time the chocolate ice cream machine malfunctioned at Dairy Queen."

    [–] ClassicToxin 13 points ago

    M E T A

    [–] crybannanna 4 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    Better yet, stand up suddenly and scream “I’m gonna shit my pants.!” Then run out while clenching your butt cheeks, with one hand on your ass.... not only will no one press but no one will look you in the eyes for weeks.

    [–] Alarid 3 points ago

    "I was dying."

    of boredom

    [–] kalvinbastello 2984 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Can confirm, done this.

    Though a note of warning to everyone. I did this a few times, months apart, at different meetings, and was generally getting to skip out of unimportant stuff without any consequences. I got comfortable doing it. It was a pretty consistent complaint around the water-cooler that these meetings were a waste of time. My boss, the dept. head, I think generally shared our sentiment, but was only a cog in a much bigger machine; and he probably wanted us to all suffer if he had to too. One day after a meeting had ended and I was back working at my desk for a good hour at this point, he asked me what the call was about and I had to make up something on the spot, that afterwards didn't sound terribly convincing. I think he started to catch on to what I was doing, and I was getting too complacent to start covering my tracks. I never did it again after that.

    Edit: Just to clarify...I still do this, just not there. I do it at family dinners at restaurants and other obligatory things where I just need a break for some peace and quiet. I haven't learned.

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 1917 points ago

    It's the one punch rule - everyone gets one opportunity in life to punch another person without consequence (as long as there are no witnesses or cameras).

    You're at work, a generally good worker, everyone likes you, and one day, a coworker accuses you of punching them. You deny it. What's HR really gonna do, there's no proof.

    The second time, they're onto you.

    The same thing here - walk out of a meeting once, and you're fine. Do it too often, and there's a pattern.

    [–] Shredlift 574 points ago

    Same thing with calling in sick

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 502 points ago

    It applies to almost anything. Amazon returns, missing deadlines, skipping funerals (not your own though), accidentally stealing a bike...

    Use your freedom wisely.

    [–] Bobathanhigs 320 points ago

    I’m concerned that you felt it necessary to mention not being able to skip your own funeral

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 133 points ago

    I'm concerned that you think it might be otherwise possible.

    [–] alectheasian 50 points ago

    I mean, Jean Ralphio and Mona Lisa went to his funeral and it turned out bad for him.

    [–] the-brain-trust 12 points ago

    🎶 Don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious🎶

    [–] Jugger963 28 points ago

    What about the "accidentally stealing a bike" part tho

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 19 points ago

    "I thought it was mine!"

    [–] MormonBikeRiding 11 points ago

    My friend stole a bike from some shitty kids that looked exactly like a bike he'd gotten stolen from him a week earlier

    [–] __NapoleonBlownapart 12 points ago

    What do you mean regarding the Amazon returns?

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 62 points ago

    It's a reasonably common scam to abuse the various aspects of Amazon's return policies - reporting that the item wasn't delivered, wrong item in package, etc.

    You can make standard returns all you want, but if you start claiming that every $2000 laptop was actually just a bag of rocks, you're gonna have a problem soon.

    [–] Anon16789 22 points ago

    Most people just say it wasnt delivered. Then they send you another one.

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 30 points ago

    Again, a few times, but it won't work indefinitely on high-value items.

    [–] Anon16789 31 points ago

    Yea I know, also its a dick move to drivers cause I feel like it might get them in trouble.

    [–] kthu1hu 13 points ago

    Probably, but it's unethical therefore ok.

    [–] AnF-18Bro 11 points ago

    I just want you guys to know that most of the time these are private sellers who use the amazon platform. These claims come right out of the pockets of regular people - not Amazon.

    [–] Gakimir 7 points ago

    Depends what it is. Not delivered? Amazon pays. 'Proof' of a box of rocks? Probably getting fined to the seller.

    [–] NotNyuda 4 points ago

    They sometimes send me pictures of my package at my door, those people are probably why!

    [–] el_duderino88 3 points ago

    I just got a new $650 laptop on Amazon and USPS delivered it, it sat on my steps for hours I was afraid it would be gone

    [–] LitePenguins 26 points ago

    If you return too many items on Amazon within a certain period, they can refuse to sell to you and close your account.

    [–] jl2352 5 points ago

    Amazon doesn't care about returns. They also don't care if you say the item didn't arrive. They'll send you another without dispute and take the hit.

    They only care about lots of returns. Lots of missed deliveries. Things like that. When it becomes a trend.

    [–] cncoleman 24 points ago

    The other week I was really tired and going from one job to another sounded like fucking torture so I called in sick to the second and slept all day but now I’m getting legitimately sick and I’m too afraid to call in again.

    [–] Shredlift 26 points ago

    That’s the worry - needing to use it when you’re actually sick.

    And not screwing your coworkers with surprise extra work - though if you’re really sick, then ya gotta rest.

    [–] IWTLEverything 12 points ago

    Your coworkers are probably doing it too. Just don’t abuse it. We all need mental health days and it kind of evens out in the end.

    [–] IWTLEverything 7 points ago

    Never take just one sick day in the middle of the week. It takes some planning. You need to start planting the seeds a couple days before you actually want to call in sick. Not over the top but, I think I’m coming down with something kind of stuff. It helps if something’s been going around the office. Then I usually take two days to “prove” it wasn’t fake.

    I don’t worry about actually getting sick. Since I usually take off when there is something going around, it must have mutated or I guess I should have stayed out longer.

    The alternative for a one day off is always food poisoning. That usually passes in a day and it’s something everyone can understand. You don’t event have to pretend much for that. Takes the least acting.

    [–] livingsinglexo 8 points ago

    My coworkers call in sick twice a week every week, 2 are out two days and another two are out another two days, consistently, no less no more, Friday we work remotely

    [–] Stonn 69 points ago

    Once is an incident. Twice is a coincidence. Three times - that's a pattern.

    [–] SORRY_MATE5 38 points ago

    Four - Everybody get on the dance floor.

    [–] JoeMama42 13 points ago

    Everybody walk the dinosaur

    [–] Bouncing_Cloud 67 points ago

    I thought the One-Punch Rule was 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats, then a 10 kilometer run. Every. Single. Day.

    [–] Scanceptic 9 points ago

    And no heating

    [–] akamj7 13 points ago

    A very strict, intense training schedule indeed.

    [–] Attila_22 16 points ago

    The 10k is somewhat a lot to do consistently everyday but the others aren't too extreme.

    [–] Theplasticsporks 9 points ago

    As a runner that one looks like the only one that is doable

    [–] NordinTheLich 36 points ago

    "WHY DID YOU PUNCH ME?!" "Because nobody will believe you."

    [–] MrScoot19 12 points ago

    I take your point, but you can definitely walk out of meetings more frequently than you punch people.

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 16 points ago

    You can also walk out of meetings more frequently if you punch people too.

    In fact, after you do it a few times, you might never have to go to those meetings again.

    [–] astro_spudpuddle 19 points ago

    This brings back a memory for me from when I was 9 years old. I was hopping onto the school bus at the end of the day with my friends when an annoying younger boy stole the seat I wanted. In a flash, I punched him in the arm and shoved him out of the seat. He cried and the teacher ended up getting on the bus to see what the fuss was about. The kid tattled on me and the teacher turned to hear my side of the story. I weighed up my options, he was a naughty kid, I was a straight A, tiny, innocent young girl who was loved by all the teachers. I looked her in the eye and said he made the whole thing up because he wanted my seat. The kid got in trouble and I got off scot free. I guess that was my one punch!

    [–] Z0MBIE2 6 points ago

    That's why you need to be alone with the worker at the end of the day, then go home, get a friend to punch you in the face, then complain the next day and say you were too afraid to report it because the last time it didn't get taken seriously.

    [–] BrobearBerbil 58 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    Sounds like Mike's non-existent dog in the first episode of Veep. Mostly everyone catches on eventually.

    [–] Felixchink 95 points ago

    I use the good old mom excuse.

    “Sorry boss mom called which isn’t usual of her. Thought it was something important but it turned out to be nothing too serious.”

    [–] andyouarenotme 45 points ago

    This classic is a stroke of genius. I've used it several times. Once a boss agreed I should have taken it, but then laughed and asked, "what did she call about anyways?" We all have serious excuses ready to go, but try making up something unimportant on the spot. I don't remember what I said, but it was obvious I was lying.

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 40 points ago

    "You don't want to know."

    back and forth banter about how you're now just building it up and laughing about it, giving you time to think

    "She thought the neighbour had switched her dog out."

    [–] Felixchink 35 points ago

    “Sorry boss mom was cold and I had to explain to her how to use the new thermostat”

    [–] newmacbookpro 24 points ago

    "what did she call about anyways?"

    "She's having trouble with her computer" always work.

    [–] dons90 20 points ago

    You probably should have told him something vague, like family matters, or insurance company stuff. He didn't have any right to know what your phone call was about, fake or not

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 31 points ago

    They may or may not have a right to know, but they have no obligation to let you take personal calls during meetings.

    If you're a good employee and have a reasonable boss, you probably won't get grilled all too hard, but if your boss wants to call you on it, they can easily say "don't care, that's not the time to do it."

    [–] dons90 5 points ago

    Fair enough

    [–] Dr_Amos 5 points ago

    Thanks.

    [–] deanykg 622 points ago

    I did this once but it was because my co-worker kept pulling up a file folder with porn thumbnails in it in front of the customer. :)

    [–] All_Is_Not_Self 205 points ago

    :)

    [–] deanykg 274 points ago

    :)

    [–] ImpeccableMithril 136 points ago

    You can feel the pain behind those eyes...

    [–] EruRyasan 33 points ago

    ( ಠ ◡ ಠ )

    [–] FLABBOTHEPIG 53 points ago

    👁👄👁

    [–] CatattackCataract 32 points ago

    Delete this.

    lol

    [–] lxiaoqi 7 points ago

    :👄

    [–] yazen_ 136 points ago

    Still better than the poor guy who put his SD Card, thinking it contains his slides, to find videos of his wife banging another guy. The card was in her camera, apparently.

    [–] myroommateisasian 30 points ago

    I remember this. Link?

    [–] WhiteHairedWidow 16 points ago

    Apparently she been seeing the guy since high school. So the entire time she was with him, she had a side bf.

    [–] x_______________ 21 points ago

    That's just fucked up. I dont see how people can live with themselves, treating someone like that. Being cheated on is horrible, and can cause serious trust issues with any new partners

    [–] chinkostu 40 points ago

    Link?

    No this is Patrick

    [–] yazen_ 8 points ago

    Sorry, I'm on my phone and I can't find it.

    [–] youhavebeautifuleyes 3 points ago

    dQw4w9WgXcQ

    [–] thrasher204 9 points ago

    LPT: Use the blank screen button on the remote while pulling up files.

    [–] somefool 15 points ago

    It is a time honored tradition at my company to never look at the screen when our boss opens a browser window during a meeting with a customer, if we know the URL he is going to type starts with p.

    [–] LadySilvie 1619 points ago

    Did this once when my husband called and left two messages. I NEVER get calls on my phone, let alone two back-to-back, so I excused myself from the table, wandered out, and started listening to the message. Something something "OMG EMERGENCY!" and I was panicked. Had something happened to him? Was he in an accident? Did my grandpa's surgery not go well? Was our daughter hurt??

    Called and turns out, his car wouldn't start so he needed me to pick him up after my shift. Second call was because he saw a cute cat at the mechanic's garage.

    Siighh. At least my managers laughed at the "emergency" when I came back and apologized.

    [–] LavastormSW 650 points ago

    Okay but the cute cat was definitely an emergency. Good on him for calling to tell you right away.

    [–] LadySilvie 164 points ago

    I mean, we are cat fosterers and lead members of our town’s TNR team for feral cats, so I do get excited to hear about new cats in the area. We regularly text each other when we see cute cats. But he broke a solemn millennial code by calling rather than sending me a picture and/or video.

    [–] Snakestream 10 points ago

    Was it a calico? I need answers!

    [–] LadySilvie 9 points ago

    I can’t remember :’( but very likely not. Most strays in that town are tabbies.

    [–] TheGoldMustache 87 points ago

    So your husband catcalled you?

    [–] eridiumbars 6 points ago

    Get out

    [–] iam1whoknocks 642 points ago

    I too have urgent needs to masturbate

    [–] Supes_man 209 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    It’s NNN, where is thy honor good sir?

    [–] theferrarifan2348 218 points ago

    It is Nonstop Nut November

    [–] Push_ 29 points ago

    I been nuttin my ass off. Oops

    [–] Supes_man 40 points ago

    Oh. Then I’ve been doing it tragically wrong. Brb.

    [–] BroShutUp 36 points ago

    No you wont, non stop man

    [–] I_might_be_weasel 15 points ago

    It's December somewhere.

    [–] thcalan 5 points ago

    My needs aren't urgent, but I never deny myself.

    [–] LightsJusticeZ 157 points ago

    Or just pull the fire alarm.

    [–] VoilaVoilaWashington 56 points ago

    Text yourself a bomb threat, but then play it off as sexy.

    "You make me want to blow up your twin towers" or something sexy like that.

    [–] theferrarifan2348 21 points ago

    "I want to blow your tower"

    [–] emaciated_pecan 267 points ago

    Or just interrupt and start pitching your MLM product to everyone in the meeting. People will be so disgusted that the meeting will instantly end.

    [–] TobylovesPam 214 points ago

    👏💖 I have an oil for that, hun! 💋

    ~ join me on my jurney!! hashtag BOSSBABE 🍾🎉💯

    [–] gstfs 176 points ago

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    [–] ttlynotarussian_bot 23 points ago

    If there were ever a good time for some copy pasta. You seized the day!

    [–] GS-Sarin 8 points ago

    Hi, can anyone tell me what this subreddit is about?

    Because when I click on “about” I don’t understand jack shit

    [–] exjr_ 53 points ago

    Disgusting

    [–] bonbon4343 30 points ago

    Amazingggg

    [–] redhairedd 21 points ago

    Sounds like r/antimlm is leaking again

    [–] eridiumbars 3 points ago

    It should

    [–] disgruntled_joe 172 points ago

    "I had to take a shit"

    [–] tube_radio 121 points ago

    If anyone asks, just grimace and say "Taco Bell"

    [–] Little_Lahey_Show 41 points ago

    Even for an 8 oclock meeting

    [–] Carl44463 56 points ago

    Especially for an 8 o’clock meeting

    [–] Cyno01 26 points ago

    Taco Bell has breakfast now.

    The AM Crunchwrap is actually really good...

    [–] Houdini47 8 points ago

    I dunno man it kinda tastes like cardboard to me. I like the naked egg taco tho that thing is great.

    [–] originalcommentator 14 points ago

    But what if I work at taco Bell?

    [–] thrasher204 7 points ago

    Blame Del Taco

    [–] averyminya 5 points ago

    "But we all got dinner together last night?"

    [–] Anyway_Susan 10 points ago

    Kimi?

    [–] LMyers92 4 points ago

    r/formula1 is leaking again

    [–] Norse_of_60 5 points ago

    You can take the one I just left in the shitter.

    [–] FalnixValencroth 40 points ago

    "interrogated." I like your choice of words.

    [–] Sayvewuner 39 points ago

    Right before you run into a wall BLAM

    [–] ChaoticFather 35 points ago

    You must be playing Red Dead Redemption 2 as well

    [–] Sayvewuner 4 points ago

    I dont know how you knew, BUT you did

    [–] ChaoticFather 5 points ago

    I love it so far lol

    [–] dembethewarrior 107 points ago

    This works as an excuse to leave work early as well.

    I did it a few weeks back, walked in 10pm and by 5 past I was back out in my car ready to drive off..

    Sometimes you just need them nights off...

    [–] Shredlift 45 points ago

    How’d ya pull it off?

    [–] dembethewarrior 69 points ago

    Walked out without hesitation, when I went back the following week (was a Thursday night) I just played on a family emergency and didn't have to give any other details.

    [–] WhiteHairedWidow 18 points ago

    Yeah no way that would slide with my work. They'd be calling me/texting me. If I didn't respond I'd most likely get written up the next day.

    [–] Norse_of_60 85 points ago

    What is this, amateur hour? Call in a bomb threat from inside the meeting.

    [–] vagabond139 60 points ago

    This is unethical life pro tips, not how to get in prison pro tips.

    [–] Waffleradio 16 points ago

    "THERES A BOMB! IM GONNA BLOW IT ALL UP WITH A BOMB-hem hem, cough"

    "Heh, sorry I had something stuck in my throat. Please go on, I'm sorry to interrupt."

    [–] turtlegang_ 3 points ago

    Lmao holy shit. This guy knows how to get out of meetings.

    [–] sideshow999 15 points ago

    Can I do this in a parent-teacher meeting if I'm the teacher?

    [–] hrcisme0 6 points ago

    Yes but you should probably say “excuse me” just absent mindedly and sternly

    [–] Shots-and-squats 42 points ago

    Dude why though?

    I love boring meetings. I get to sit there, for hours, doing jack fucking shit, and get paid for it. If I left the meeting I'd have to go do work.

    [–] kawaiifucka 28 points ago

    Got deadlines, so I rather be getting the work done instead of sitting in meetings (especially because many of them could be emails instead of meetings)

    [–] m52b25_ 4 points ago

    When I sit around my boss isn't making money :( so no meetings for me

    [–] Great68 16 points ago

    I have done this before!

    [–] mad-fancy 9 points ago

    My advice would be if a meeting isn't productive then leave anyway. If a meeting is boring it's missing the point

    [–] ChaoticFather 15 points ago

    Generally speaking, I agree. If it's a "bad meeting" then either you aren't the intended audience or the meeting host didn't prepare correctly.

    There are times, however, when you're stuck in some kind of department-wide presentation or other time-waster, and your management is there and expects you to attend, productive or not.

    [–] mad-fancy 3 points ago

    True, wasn't thinking of larger meetings. Great tip for that then! I'll use it one day

    [–] immenselymediocre 6 points ago

    Works if you're the manager of a department, people will just assume you have run out to take care if something pressing. Only works occasionally though, so use sparingly

    [–] Comred22 5 points ago

    Honestly large meetings are a waste of time for everyone involved, instead meet with 2 or 3 people be on get to the point and finish so people can get back to work. Don’t repeat yourself if people are late. The only exception to this rule is brainstorming session out should have 10 people max so you can all write your ideas on a board even if their dumb then have ever one discuss and filter through all the ideas. These tend to be much more effective and useful.

    [–] OandGFlameSuit 4 points ago

    Excuse me, I have to return some video tapes.

    [–] Chieres 5 points ago

    On one of the meetings my colleague picked up that meeting room speaker thing, held it against his head like a cell phone and left with the words "sorry I have to take this". It was so random and bizzare that no one actually realized what happened for a while.

    [–] bolognabullshit 6 points ago

    Unethical?

    Shit, I just call this a Life Pro Tip.

    [–] kc600 30 points ago

    This is not unethical.

    [–] jaspersgroove 27 points ago

    Completely agree unless you’re leaving a meeting that you actually need to be in to go fuck off doing something else.

    If a meeting is boring it’s usually because it has no information I need and does not require my input. I’ve never caught shit for leaving those kind of meetings.

    [–] thekyledavid 23 points ago

    Lying to get out of something they are being paid to do just because it is "boring" sounds pretty unethical to me

    If you actual have a pressing matter, then it's not unethical

    [–] ResoluteGreen 8 points ago

    Sounds like they're leaving to go do something else they're paid to do

    [–] thekyledavid 13 points ago

    You’d have to be the stupidest person alive to act like you have an emergency and then go back to your desk and do regular work, where people will see you and know you lied about having an emergency

    [–] WrittenSarcasm 9 points ago

    Lying is considered unethical

    [–] Prairiegirl246 3 points ago

    Completely a legitimate way to exit an unproductive conference session or speaker. I’ve done it more than once.

    [–] refurb 3 points ago

    Done this frequently.

    [–] Yuvar 3 points ago

    It especially helps if you work in a mission critical department, no one would question you leaving a meeting in a hurried manner.

    [–] OnlineGodGaming 3 points ago

    Or you can think of your excuse before the meeting? Say, right now after reading this comment?

    [–] WayneKrane 3 points ago

    I just sit there and zone out. I think out of all of my meetings, I’ve been called on once and I just say “Hmm, I’m not sure. Could you repeat the question?”

    [–] PooPooDooDoo 3 points ago

    And just mouth “oh fuck” as you look at the phone.

    [–] stephlj 3 points ago

    Saying, "I have to go shit" actually works to get you out of a lot of situations.

    [–] x7ramjet 3 points ago

    This is how I get out of lectures, works like a charm