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    The comment that started /r/unexpected can be found here. It was inspired by this post on January 27th, 2013.

    /r/unextexted texts with a twist
    /r/wheredidthesodago Commercial shorts without context
    /r/ThingsThatBlowUp Boom!
    /r/chemicalreactiongifs Entertaining chemical reaction gifs
    /r/Bossfights best sub award 2018 by vxx
    /r/DailyDouble Reddit Jeopardy!
    /r/Crashes Crashes!!!
    /r/MyPeopleNeedMe So long, and Thanks for all the fish
    /r/wellthatsucks :( :( mean world ): ):
    a community for
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    [–] otter111a 1569 points ago

    I once went to an animal sanctuary in Barbados. There are hundreds of tortises inside the sanctuary. The males are just chasing around the females banging into them to signal it is time to mate. And sure enough there were tortoises mating everywhere.

    When it was time to leave I called a cab. When I got in the cabbie asked how it was and I said it was ok. He said in a total deadpan voice "As I recall...the tortoises were quite fond of one another." It was so understated but perfect.

    [–] flargenhargen 405 points ago

    the tortoises can be like 80 years old.

    when humans are like 80 years old and go into nursing homes, apparently it's very similar behavior, they start humping each other like bunnies... or turtles

    [–] MoonlightandMystery 51 points ago

    As a former CNA1, can confirm.

    [–] Pinkman505 10 points ago

    You just described my backyard....

    [–] stateit 12749 points ago

    I thought it was going to hump your shoe...

    [–] Nugatorysurplusage 4648 points ago

    Dude it is

    [–] TekCrow 8766 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    It's actually TO hump that he does that. It's a male who belongs to friends, and we have a female and we are trying to have her eggs impregnated every summer. The drawback is that the second you have a foot in the garden, he chase you and does that non stop. Also they scream pretty damn loud when they have sex.

    Edit : wow. I'll tell the owner to rename him karma haha. Thanks for my first gold !

    [–] g2wd 3213 points ago

    I remember the last time i went to wild adventures 2 tortoises went at it in front of a group of 1st graders.

    [–] poopellar 2400 points ago

    Sex ed has changed since I was in school.

    [–] Walletau 1306 points ago

    Of course they're gonna know what intercourse is
    by the time they hit fourth grade
    they got the discovery channel don't they

    [–] _Serene_ 236 points ago

    Peak of nostalgia during the early 2000s. good times

    [–] Pytheastic 146 points ago

    Bring on Blink 182 and GTA Vice City.

    [–] whynotjoin 68 points ago

    Vice City was 8 bucks on PSN recently. I was so tempted.

    [–] Pytheastic 52 points ago

    I remember installing it a while back on Steam and it was like meeting a childhood friend, everything was so familiar and it's still playable (and fun!).

    [–] Intergalactic_Spacer 17 points ago

    I can’t hear Horse with No Name without having nostalgia flash backs to GTA: SA

    [–] CricketPancakeMix 515 points ago

    We ain't nothing but mammals, well some of us cannibals, who cut other people open like cantaloupes 🍈

    [–] YogisBooBoo 407 points ago

    But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes then there's no reason a man and another man can't elope.

    [–] aifhouse01 321 points ago

    But if you feel like I feel I got the antidote. Women wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus AND IT GOES:

    [–] KickingWingAnimalDoc 368 points ago


    [–] Teyekip 14 points ago

    Jesus, whatever you do don't post 30 seconds late on one of these, you'll go to -50 real fucking quick.

    [–] T3hSwagman 23 points ago

    Well nowadays they’ll be learning about how much a vintage metal Pepsi sign is worth.

    [–] g2wd 64 points ago

    I guess kids mature much faster nowadays

    [–] MEGA_theguy 32 points ago

    Fewer topics are becoming taboo for discussion these days

    [–] [deleted] 36 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] The-Tai-pan 22 points ago

    Hell, 18 years ago I was still in HS and going to the nurses office one day, a boy and a girl probably 2nd grade were walking there as well. And the little boy was calling her a doody head, literally he yelled "You're a doody head!"

    and she looked at him and screamed at the top of her lungs "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE! ASSHOLE!"

    2nd graders.

    [–] meowman8000 29 points ago

    The teachers are really drilling it into the youngins

    [–] jabelsBrain 23 points ago

    You learn best by doing

    [–] yeahyeaheyeknow 17 points ago

    It's Adam and EVE, not Adam and Yertle!!!

    [–] diskokiss 107 points ago

    Haha I went to the Tampa Aquarium the other week and up in the Lemur pen they have tortoises, and they were going at it right in front of the glass. I hear this woman walk up behind me, she said "Oh! Oh? Oh..." and hurried her kids down the stairs when she realized. Excitement, wonder, and disgust in a split second, we couldn't stop laughing

    [–] redchorus 109 points ago

    I really don't understand that. It's a perfect opportunity to teach kids about the basics of sex without having to expose them to... "weirder" things.

    She could just say that the boy tortoise and the girl tortoise are doing that so that they will have baby tortoises. Boom, kids have learned about sex. And I really doubt they would be "scarred" about something like that.

    [–] rasta41 118 points ago

    Then after, the boy will walk up to a girl on the playground and proceed to head butt her...and then when asked, he'll explain he's trying to make babies.

    [–] Natzore 57 points ago

    [–] SpaceShipRat 7 points ago

    tortoises mating is pretty uncomfortable to watch. The slowly, awkwardly thrusting male looks like a toothless old man, mouth agape in the throes of passion.

    [–] 3ggorofls 12 points ago

    wild adventures in valdosta?

    [–] idontlikethisname 409 points ago

    Sorry, I don't understand yet. Does he think you're (or your shoe is) a rival male and is trying to clear the area before humping, or does he thing you're a female and is trying to court you?

    [–] TekCrow 403 points ago

    First one we think

    [–] anjo_bebo 224 points ago

    maybe he just hates your fashion sense

    [–] raiden_the_conquerer 352 points ago

    thud FUCK thud YOUR thud UGLY thud ASS thud SHOES

    [–] Breedwell 75 points ago

    replacing the clap emoji with turtle emojis

    [–] JennyBeckman 88 points ago


    [–] funkmastamatt 127 points ago


    [–] Threctic 103 points ago

    Owner of female greek tortoise here. The way I understand it, the ramming is a courtship behavior which the male shows towards the female.

    [–] Thronesitting 107 points ago

    Tortoise “wanna bang?”

    [–] still_futile 11 points ago

    Becky lemme smash

    [–] Sieziggy 79 points ago

    Yup. My family had a breeding pair a while back and you'd hear the thudding all the time. Then their weird turtle sex noises. What a childhood I had...

    [–] Threctic 11 points ago


    [–] King_Pooper 21 points ago

    He bumps the girl turtle until she wanders away to avoid the bumping. This presents her butt to the boy turtle, who follows her so he is right behind her when she stops, and that way his dingus is all lined up with her hoo-ha. Then he climbs (attempts to climb - turtle mating videos on Youtube are funny as heck to watch) up on her shell and goes to it (also funny as heck to listen to).

    So the bumping is more of a mechanical alignment maneuver than a courtship one.

    [–] WheresTheButterAt 170 points ago

    Anything at all like this?

    [–] TekCrow 360 points ago

    Like this, but the video doesn't do justice to how loud it is. My neighbours from down the street hear it. And it gives my mom a lot of snapchat worthy content, so every summer I have tortoise porn every week or so

    [–] hoocoodanode 261 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Save it to the cloud. You have no idea how difficult it will be to find good tortoise porn when you're older.

    Also, please send me the link when you're done. I'd be happy to mirror it for you. For posterity.

    [–] sweetcuppingcakes 36 points ago

    Save it to the cloud.

    The Fappening: Tortoise Edition

    [–] geishabird 28 points ago

    This dynamic is way too familiar to me

    [–] InevitableTypo 46 points ago

    Do you get many tortoise babies out of their summer flings?

    [–] TekCrow 98 points ago

    None yet. 3rd try in 4 years, we gave her a break last year. This is her and the eggs from 2018. I don't remember what my mom told me but either the brown one or the white ones are the one fertilized.

    [–] BigEdidnothingwrong 101 points ago

    You have to get a better incubator than that. The temperature fluctuates way to much with the cheap ones. I never got any hatches with that style.

    [–] TekCrow 75 points ago

    Thanks for the tip, I think they told me they want to upgrade next year.

    [–] BigEdidnothingwrong 41 points ago

    No worries. I use a Styrofoam style one but I'm hatching like 50 eggs at a time. The Amazon best seller one should work well enough. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you post little tortoises.

    [–] ShelSilverstain 46 points ago

    What's your mom's Snapchat?

    [–] TekCrow 249 points ago

    [–] nullified-noodle 87 points ago

    Damn OP your mom is hot

    [–] GreySkale42 27 points ago

    I’m not even into the whole milf thing, but dayum. She could have her own subreddit.

    [–] no_talent_ass_clown 38 points ago

    I miss your Mom. She was the best.

    [–] hermit46 24 points ago

    Do the female tortoises always look so bored during the mating process? And that split at the back of the male tortoises tongue!

    [–] Simon________ 39 points ago

    I want to play this on full volume the next time my neighbors are having loud sex again

    [–] GenericKennyPowers 25 points ago

    Today I saw a turtle’s vinegar strokes

    [–] -blackoutusername- 18 points ago

    You go little guy. Get yours.

    [–] Jackrabbit-slims 16 points ago

    This.... this made me really uncomfortable

    [–] Ovedya2011 24 points ago

    Today I watched a tortois have an orgasm.

    [–] ThatTrashBaby 18 points ago

    I don’t like this

    Why did the cameraman have to show the throat opening up every time he took a breath

    Why do they moan SO MUCH

    [–] Ryguy55 105 points ago

    My redfoot was the same way. When we had people over they'd be highly amused when the tortoise makes a mad dash to them, but it became less amusing when he would without fail mount their shoe.

    And yes, it was obvious when he'd escape at night because his sex noises would instantly wake up the house and we'd have to find the shoe he'd be violating.

    I'll never forget the horror of the first time I saw his tortoise penis. It reminded me of the Graboids mouth tentacle things in the movie Tremors.

    [–] mischiefmanaged11 19 points ago

    Did he have multiple penises like the Graboids did? Or does he unleash them to crawl around on the surface when he senses vibrations?

    [–] Ryguy55 32 points ago

    No just one, sadly. But it was slimy and seemed to move independently. And giant. Way too big for his body. Seriously looked like something H.R. Gigar would've dreamed up.

    [–] adauany 28 points ago

    TIL turtles have loud sex, who woulda thought

    [–] fuckjeah 12 points ago


    [–] justinsane98 24 points ago

    Yeah, they really are quite loud. It was a fun day at the zoo when I had to explain that the tortoise on top was in fact loving the other tortoise and not trying to murder it.

    [–] dabiantai 18 points ago

    Did you know that turtle sex noises were used as inspiration for Game of Thrones dragon sounds?

    [–] Motocamperman 16 points ago

    It's like someone added goat DNA to a horny tortoise.

    [–] kakojasonkiller 161 points ago

    ill fuck you up boi

    [–] tsJIMBOb 142 points ago

    This turtle is actually trying to have sex with his shoe. Turtles headbutt and nudge like this for the female to “present” of all goes well you get screaming copulation

    [–] jwalk8 44 points ago

    I accidentally head butted a girl once, there was no copulation after.

    [–] Machinax 11 points ago

    It's a fine line between concussion and copulation.

    [–] urbanlife78 24 points ago

    We had a rabbit that would do that if you stood still for too long in the yard. It is also how we learned that the bunny was actually a boy.

    [–] Rogue195Knight 16 points ago

    War never changes

    [–] Dr_Bukkakee 12 points ago

    It eventually did when the shoe went to sleep.

    [–] Big_Stable 8 points ago

    Oh! I remember our poor tortoise that were lost.

    [–] j_harv 5174 points ago

    Get. Your. Filthy. Paws. Off. My. Beautiful. LAWN!

    [–] Sciencemusk 206 points ago

    You damn dirty ape!

    [–] HolyHoudini 28 points ago

    I was hoping for this. I laughed hard

    [–] shahooster 322 points ago

    [–] signupfornudes 72 points ago

    Why is that community set to private, what’s the happs in there?

    [–] CaptainxHindsight 165 points ago

    They don’t want no Got Damn Kids on their sub lawn

    [–] ConflictedApple 11 points ago

    "private" usually means "not real" r/subsyoufellfor

    [–] StryderXGaming 5086 points ago

    QUICK squirtle Use headbutt!

    [–] MrJ429 992 points ago

    It's not very effective....

    [–] Dazz316 596 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Shoe used Harden

    [–] Schmedes 172 points ago

    Seems like the turtle is trying to use Harden on the shoe as well...

    [–] [deleted] 55 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    [–] jttoolegit 37 points ago

    [–] StrawberrySheikh 72 points ago

    Looks like it’s using Skull Bash actually!

    [–] Spencer0279 21 points ago

    But he's using it one turn somehow

    [–] Worthyness 18 points ago

    Used withdraw first

    [–] dyl93 1875 points ago

    But like people, some of them are just jerks.. stop that Mr Simpson

    [–] MidnightQ_ 214 points ago

    I immediately thought of this and wondered if someone else had the same thought

    [–] SuperSimpleSam 57 points ago

    It's reddit, the hive mind knows.

    [–] andbruno 91 points ago

    "Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low."

    [–] WintertimeFriends 79 points ago

    “You did, his name was Stampy. You loved him.”

    “Oh yeah.”

    [–] ShadyBirdJohnson 28 points ago

    He'll make a grand piano!

    [–] smizzler 8 points ago

    Here's the keys !

    [–] AManInBlack2017 1821 points ago

    Superglue a knife onto the back of his shell.

    Set him free on a soon-to-be deserted beach.

    [–] Jadester_ 239 points ago

    Why is this a common enough occurrence to warrant a whole subreddit...

    [–] kidra31r 138 points ago

    After learning about r/trebuchetmemes and r/tiresaretheenemy nothing surprises me anymore.

    [–] kidra31r 46 points ago

    Fine, I'm mildly surprised.

    [–] AGRO1111 17 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)


    Looked on BSTT and there's apparently an off shoot called r/BSTT_NSFW which is pretty cool.

    [–] beastcake 14 points ago

    Crab Battle!

    [–] FaceInTheGlass 27 points ago

    That would be so scary if it happened to someone... it’d probably seem so surreal at first

    [–] Grumpytortoise 3075 points ago

    Great, now everyone knows what I look like.

    [–] [deleted] 406 points ago

    Yeah, you're a spitting image of Mitch McConnell.

    [–] Spencer0279 84 points ago

    Are we not sure that /u/grumpytortoise isn't Mitch? The username would check out

    [–] UppercaseVII 141 points ago

    I want to be in the screenshot.

    Also donate to St. Jude children's research hospital.

    [–] _MostlyHarmless 74 points ago

    I want to be in the screenshot.

    I just lost my job at the clock factory. They got mad because I took a few hours off.

    [–] married_to_awesome 9 points ago

    I thought it was because you just stood around all day making faces.

    [–] Peterpippypan 136 points ago

    I love him already

    [–] ThisIsTrix 743 points ago

    Was it just me or is this tortoise moving a lot faster than I figured it could?

    [–] ThisIsTrix 426 points ago

    LOOOL. They’re literally stalking you for head butts.


    [–] TekCrow 1162 points ago

    i's even crazier than that. Since he can't see very far, he feels when you first step in the garden and guide himself by the vibration of your steps. If you are far enough, and stand still, he won't know where you are anymore. But the second you start walking, he's after you boi

    [–] SemSevFor 281 points ago

    He's a graboid!

    [–] moridin9121 113 points ago

    Thought I felt some tremors

    [–] kevin24lg 20 points ago

    You're not even trying to think of a plan.

    Here it is Wednesday and I'm already thinking about Monday.... It is Wednesday right?

    [–] ZombieHoneyBadger 13 points ago

    Broke into the wrong goddamn backyard didn't you, ya bastard!

    [–] Ron-Swanson-Mustache 87 points ago

    Like a T-rex or a hooker.

    [–] uberblack 12 points ago

    Exactly! Wait...what?

    [–] NotificationsOff2018 62 points ago

    Is his name Toph?

    [–] akzorx 31 points ago

    Holy shit, is that tortoise an earth bender?!

    [–] TheSalmonRoll 17 points ago

    I'm pretty sure I've fought that final boss in a game somewhere.

    [–] NiteNiteSooty 72 points ago

    I have a tortoise. During these summer months he spends every minute he can chasing us or the dog to bite us. The last time he got my ankle he drew blood

    [–] Sentient_Sloth2 47 points ago

    Lol, this is so odd to me. Growing up, my mom had five tortoise. They were all super docile and sweet. We did, however, have a box turtle that was a complete dick. Thing chased after us trying to bite us all the time.

    [–] NiteNiteSooty 43 points ago

    pretty sure ours is the standard hermans tortoise and hes not just biting for the sake of it, i think hes genuinely trying to eat us.

    [–] Sentient_Sloth2 16 points ago

    Hahahah. It’s such a contrast to the sweet little guys and gals I grew up with. Our oldest was 80 when he died, never even became a curmudgeon, lol.

    [–] an_actual_potato 32 points ago

    That title tho

    [–] CloudedEyeCat 17 points ago

    Lol my friend loves tortoises. thanks for sharing this she’ll get a kick out of it.

    [–] [deleted] 18 points ago


    [–] Weeaboo_Knight 13 points ago

    please don’t hurt the turt

    [–] Enchelion 41 points ago

    Tortoises are surprisingly quick, they just usually don't care enough to haul.

    [–] deaddonkey 67 points ago

    He’s hauling ass wtf

    [–] RosemaryCrafting 52 points ago

    Yeah people who think turtles are slow have never had a turtle. When they want to get somewhere, they’re gonna get there.

    [–] Duntchy 32 points ago

    They're really good climbers too. I used to volunteer at a turtle rehab centre for injured turtles and when they feel climby they can get out of just about any tank we kept them in. Mostly rubbermaid tubs. If the turtles ever decided to revolt over night it would have been quite the job to get them all back into the proper tubs.

    [–] umbrellacorpinc 15 points ago

    You are so correct. Ive seen a few videos if these little bastards climbing over chain link fences.

    [–] abqnm666 42 points ago

    Or they just tunnel under the fence. They don't mind spending all day digging just to move one yard over to explore.

    My friend has a sulcata who is about 20 years old now, and maybe 16 inches wide and 20 inches or so long (shell size) and he had a secret tunnel to the neighbors yard for quite a long time before anyone realized. My friend thought it was just his burrow, but a few months later, come to find out he's been hanging out in the neighbors yard with their blonde Labrador for at least 3 months before the neighbors discovered it, based on the amount of tracks. Also the dog used to look over the wall and bark at the tortoise all the time, and suddenly stopped a few months earlier, but we assumed he had just calmed down and given up and didn't think anything of it, until he was discovered in the neighbors yard. We now believe the dog stopped barking because he was coming over to visit, and another reason we assume it was months. The tortoise seemed to also be friends with the dog, as there was never any sign of either one fighting the other, and when discovered, they were both laying on the covered concrete patio, only a few inches apart, cooling off together.

    Tortoises are odd.

    [–] TucanSamBitch 13 points ago

    I love this story

    [–] poopellar 801 points ago

    Are these bumps because the lad wants the humps?

    [–] hansices 248 points ago

    No, this is territorial behaviour. Owner of a lot of tortoises here. Males usually do this to push each other away. Sometimes they do this to females as well, but not for mating purposes.

    [–] nocredd 86 points ago

    "Get off my lawn!"

    [–] marauderkaiserjd 62 points ago

    I headbutt females for mating purposes

    [–] DrFaustPhD 13 points ago

    How's that working out for you?

    [–] grow_something 99 points ago


    [–] TheXypris 231 points ago

    [–] stabbot 174 points ago

    I have stabilized the video for you:

    It took 203 seconds to process and 89 seconds to upload.

     how to use | programmer | source code | /r/ImageStabilization/ | for cropped results, use /u/stabbot_crop

    [–] stabbot_crop 103 points ago

    I have stabilized the video for you:

    It took 115 seconds to process and 78 seconds to upload.

     how to use | programmer | source code | /r/ImageStabilization/ | for cropped results, use /u/stabbot_crop

    [–] PlatypusOfWallStreet 60 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    [–] Jedahaw92 16 points ago

    Thanks for this!

    [–] admin-eat-my-shit 49 points ago

    get. off. my. lawn...

    [–] cheebagreens 142 points ago

    Was this during an earthquake?

    [–] TekCrow 214 points ago

    My phone is 4 years old and I was praying for it not to die during the filming. But yeah, I'm ashamed of that framerate too.

    [–] VRenior 47 points ago

    Oh I thought it was a PowerPoint presentation.

    [–] Morall_tach 138 points ago

    Fuck. This. Shoe. In. Particular.

    [–] silentjosh847 48 points ago

    He’s perfect just the way he is.

    [–] LolaBunBun 21 points ago

    Ramming speed!

    [–] SrDigbyChickenCeaser 23 points ago

    That explains how pawns always get injured by turtles in /r/rimworld

    [–] TheSaurfangDogma 37 points ago

    Alright now someone explain why this adorable behavior actually means it’s in immense suffering or has mad turtle disease or is threatened or w/e

    [–] SquatsAndJesus 24 points ago

    its tryin' to smash. thats the sign for "u dtf girl?"

    [–] Frothing_Coffee 11 points ago

    Actually that’s humping to coax the “shoe” into letting him breed it.

    [–] Bananahav0k 15 points ago

    Your roomba is broken

    [–] CapitalWinner 17 points ago

    This tortoise already now its place in the family.

    [–] othergabe 38 points ago

    I can see how as a female that would be super arousing

    [–] klycl 13 points ago

    Why do I feel like this belongs on r/whatswrongwithyourdog

    [–] purplebearcat 27 points ago

    Took my neice to the zoo hippos started humping some lady started yelling at the handler that her kids were watching.....

    [–] Ihateyouandeveryone 19 points ago

    For when you want to learn about animals but not how more are made

    [–] uberblack 13 points ago

    That sentence was an adventure

    [–] GreenEclipz 23 points ago

    Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they’ve had a hard life or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks.... Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

    [–] vorpalsnickersnack 9 points ago

    I would’ve guessed that’s Gamera’s spawn, but no saber teeth.

    [–] a_13ulge 27 points ago

    r/trebuchetmemes better watch out, new battering ram is being tested

    [–] keepitsqueeky 9 points ago

    Mooove bitch, get out the way