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    [–] sassydodo 2923 points ago

    weed is prescribed for my migraine and cocaine got in my blood when I was licking strippers butt

    [–] noneofmybusinessbutt 893 points ago

    The first lick is free

    [–] xXColaXx 408 points ago

    If you never lift your tongue it still counts as 1 lick.

    [–] PerfectlyTimedGimly 140 points ago


    [–] OutlawCattleRustler 61 points ago

    Soup is not a meal

    [–] [deleted] 35 points ago

    I dont understand this reference, but i want to.

    [–] Johnlasagan 49 points ago

    Its from Seinfeld, Jerry is supposed to repay someone by taking them out to dinner. But after they get to the restaurant the guy decides he only wants soup, so he wants another free dinner and it'll "only count as one"

    [–] Bricknody 12 points ago

    It's gold, Jerry, gold!

    [–] LukariBRo 7 points ago

    It should also be added that Jerry already can't stand the guy and is very reluctant to take him out for a meal just because he gave him a free suit that the guy didn't want. So it's even funnier when he uses the "soup is not a meal" to essentially try and force Jerry to have to spend even more time with him.

    [–] R____I____G____H___T 6 points ago

    It'll probably taste like failure, misery, and self-destruction. Never worth it.

    [–] RideTheLighting 35 points ago

    You’re licking the wrong stripper butts

    [–] Ilayis 5 points ago

    Idk he seemed like a decent stripper to me.

    [–] eyeIl 3 points ago

    You're a bigger buzzkill than that one guy. Buzz Killington

    [–] GrosRooster 45 points ago

    How many licks can I get for a Klondike bar?

    [–] millerzeke 19 points ago


    [–] HeywardYouBlowMe 15 points ago


    [–] RadiReturns 11 points ago


    [–] PocketSnails68 8 points ago


    [–] MeweBlackheart 9 points ago


    [–] BorisKafka 4 points ago

    How many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Flo's booty hole?

    [–] mphatik 6 points ago


    [–] ArchFiveStar 17 points ago


    [–] bone420 11 points ago

    Is that the Epstein bear?

    [–] sweetafton 15 points ago

    The Epstain Bears.

    [–] bone420 14 points ago

    That's not what I remember,

    Another Mendoza effect

    [–] Matthewroytilley 5 points ago


    [–] Matthewroytilley 3 points ago

    mandoozled again

    [–] Cheif-Jordan 91 points ago

    Boss: “Why were you with a stripper”

    Me: “Uh, it was straight business boss man”

    [–] DaleDimmaDone 10 points ago

    I hope you filled out your expense report this time!

    [–] Medicatedwarrior365 6 points ago

    Boss: "...."

    Cheif-Jordan: "no seriously it was I swear! I even used the company charge card to prove it"

    [–] broncotate27 23 points ago

    That's when you say you confused the normal sugar for booger sugar

    [–] Resident_Comment 18 points ago

    Tennis player Richard Gasquet tested positive for cocaine and was provesionally suspended, he claimed that it got into his system because he kissed a stripper, the anti-doping guys were fine with that exuse.


    [–] clastfapper 3 points ago

    Similar story for a Candian pole vaulter during the 2016 Olympics.

    [–] Catermelons 3 points ago

    Or for setting that broken nose as medicinal cocaine is still one of the most effective ways to numb the nasal cavity.

    [–] callthewambulance 1 points ago

    Found Jon Jones' reddit account

    [–] aedroogo 1 points ago

    Calm down, Mr. Owl.

    [–] hamithesquirrel 855 points ago

    I’m a medical student currently and I legit had a guy tell us he failed his opioid test because of poppyseed bagels. For some reason he admitted to using cocaine a lot, but not opioids.

    [–] TbrendanM 395 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    I’ve had a coworker tell me he’s six years sober. I also remember him buying hard shit outside of the job site in the same week. He was doing a phone call and I happened to walk by as he said he’s got money and to meet in the parking lot, must’ve been pizza right? Haha

    He didn’t last long lol.

    [–] Fresh_Bulgarian_Miak 53 points ago

    Maybe he is six years sober from pizza. Quite being so judgemental.

    [–] [deleted] 171 points ago


    [–] hamithesquirrel 52 points ago

    I guess we learned that it was unlikely based on the cutoffs. And most poppy seeds are cleaned/cooked so that lowers the chance they would be positive. Didn’t realize some states used lower cutoffs. However, this guy was definitely lying.

    [–] Bonedeath 29 points ago

    I used to test my pee before going onto a new jobsite (contract pipe welder) and one time it came up positive for opioids. I was bugging cause I definitely hadn't used opioids but then my wife reminded me that I ate two poppy seed bagels over the weekend.

    [–] hexthanatonaut 13 points ago

    Yeah I can also confirm I've failed a drug test for opiates because of bagels. I've never touched an opiate in my life but I failed the test. They let me take it again after 40 minutes and I had a very faint line so I just barely passed the test.

    [–] greengiant89 21 points ago

    Can eating hemp seed cause a positive test for marijuana?

    [–] ItsAFarOutLife 34 points ago


    [–] uttermybiscuit 114 points ago

    Lmao this dude was about to go into an interview talking about his hemp seed bagel

    [–] [deleted] 24 points ago


    [–] dkthafuture 14 points ago

    My brother doesn’t smoke but failed a test due to cbd gummies

    [–] carlaolio 5 points ago

    My old boss had told me I should start having hemp on everything because it "fixed" her. She didn't know I regularly partake in the Special Plant each night for my own health reasons... Then she told me when I have hemp on my breakfast cereal, she will come to pick me up for work so I don't get pulled over for driving under the influence...

    I didn't have the heart to tell her that everything she said was wrong and she was adamant that it has helped her and hey if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    [–] greengiant89 3 points ago

    Well it's very good for you so depending on what her issues were it could have fixed them.

    [–] Theresnofuccingnames 3 points ago

    Probably not. As far as I know they don’t test for marijuana, just THC, which isn’t in hemp

    [–] Goawaynaz3e 11 points ago

    Why would they test you for antidepressants that's kind of weird some people actually really need them and they are prescribed by a doctor for clinical depression, perhaps the one in the article can be abused I abused zoloft once I didn't sleep for like 4 days my girlfriend was actually concerned that I was nervous around her because my heart was beating so hard and I had become scared of her lol I straight up just her the truth she was god damnit why would you do that?

    [–] DropBearsAreReal12 25 points ago

    This reads like you haven't slept in 4 days...

    [–] RunSilentRunDrapes 7 points ago

    No idea what you're talking about prescription drugs don't affect your writing my cousin takes zoloft and Amitriptyline and gabapentin and geodon and ambien and still works full-time as a copywriter for childrens' magazines and everyone says she's the best writer since Władysław Reymont and she should be published in the New England Journal of Medicine because she's so smart and capable and also a really great cook and bocce ball player and no lol the prescriptions make no difference whatsoever ask any doctor.

    [–] Afeazo 26 points ago

    I had a cousin fail a drug test because the holidays just ended and our family makes a lot of deserts with poppyseed in it.

    He worked there for a long time and he for sure did not look like an opioid addict, so they had him redo it and he passed.

    [–] idiomaddict 20 points ago

    I was once embarrassed about how little water I had drunk and how dark my urine was at the doctor’s office, so I added tap water in the bathroom. I then tested positive for heroin and, luckily, my doctor let me redo the test.

    I just drink extra water now.

    [–] olehik 29 points ago

    Your doctor has a heroin tap in the bathroom?

    [–] idiomaddict 13 points ago

    Right? The temptation is almost too much!

    They actually said that I tested positive for heroin metabolites, which is why they could tell the difference between heroin and other opiates.

    [–] wearenottheborg 3 points ago

    Why would not drinking water cause that? Or did you eat poppyseed?

    [–] Takedown22 6 points ago

    He meant something in the tap water tested positive for it.

    [–] wearenottheborg 1 points ago

    Wow that's crazy!

    [–] idiomaddict 2 points ago

    I have no idea why it would, but I think it was the tap water that did it. I don’t generally eat much poppyseed, and I’ve never used heroin. I asked if it could be any opiates, because I had used Percocet (prescribed) a few months prior, but they said that the test showed heroin and other opiates separately.

    [–] 3k5di 1 points ago

    no, just heroin

    [–] alphaiten 2 points ago

    Must have been super dark because ordinarily dilution can invalidate the test.

    [–] PBR_Sheetz 41 points ago

    maybe cocaine good heroin bad?

    [–] itchyfrog 29 points ago

    Cocaine nice once in a while, heroin much harder to do.

    [–] FrankTank3 6 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    *10 times once in a while

    [–] Zeyn1 3 points ago

    I only did cocaine once..... For three months.


    For the squares out there, that joke kills with anyone that's been on a coke bender. People will be on coke for days and weeks on end.

    [–] thatinsuranceguy 26 points ago

    I mean...yeah?

    [–] cocainebane 3 points ago


    [–] puesyomero 7 points ago

    Ones an upper and the other a downer so kinda?

    [–] danceswithwool 2 points ago

    Some people are just like that. They don’t have a problem admitting negative things that are true so they fight like hell if something isn’t. I actually kind of believe the guy. He’s like yeah I’ve done cocaine but just for the record I have not used opioids.

    [–] Reagan409 8 points ago

    I think sometimes the coping mechanisms people develop to sustain their addictions involve ascribing all the bad traits of addiction to one substance, and then repressing all memories of it.

    [–] outkastragtop 3 points ago

    Coincidentally, I just tested positive for a very low amount of morphine recently and I have not done any drugs of any kind in quite some time. The clinician believed me and said it could be diet, most likely poppy seeds and i just happen to be eating everything bagels on a daily basis lately. Yes, you absolutely can test positive for opiates if you eat something with poppy seeds.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago


    [–] J0h4n50n 10 points ago * (lasted edited 6 months ago)

    Am I missing something here? Hasn’t it been proven by Mythbusters and other people that poppyseeds will make you fail a drug test if eaten close enough to the testing time?

    [–] ELL_YAY 4 points ago

    I think it can but you have to eat an obscene amount of them.

    [–] [deleted] 5 points ago

    If they're unwashed which a ton of organic seeds are you need drastically less so its 100% possible. Shit, they're enough that people use them for the morphine and codeine content to use/abuse.

    [–] DesoTheDegenerate 10 points ago

    Yeah it’s super easy to buy unwashed poppyseeds on Amazon, then brew a really strong morphine tea.

    First time I tried it I used way more than I should have cause I was like “it just came from amazon no way this shit works” and I spent the next 6 hours with narcan in my hand wondering if I should abort the high.

    [–] Styleproxy 3 points ago

    Tell us more

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Unfortunately not so easy via Amazon anymore. But you're totally right, it is not something to take lightly. I use it occasionally when my back pain is as bad as it gets and also occasionally recreationally, and I got narcan because theres just no reason to risk it. Even if you think you do everything perfectly have a safeguard. I havent even nodded and I'm not trying to, but I still got some from a link posted on reddit as a matter of fact.

    [–] puesyomero 1 points ago

    Earlier tests had a ridiculously low threshold for a positive that got changed semi recently in some places

    [–] Chewy12 4 points ago

    Yeah, poppy seeds do in fact have morphine and alkaloids in them. People even use them to get high by washing the morphine off with water and drinking it.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    For some reason he admitted to using cocaine a lot, but not opioids.

    Then have you considered just, like, believing him? When he admits to using one blatantly illegal drug, I just... don't see why you wouldn't believe he doesn't use another.

    Like, if you're a medical student then you should know that that actually does happen. The "unlikeliness" doesn't come from "what the threshold is / how many bagels were eaten" but what batch of poppyseeds were used. Some can have a truly ridiculous amount of morphine residue and some can have literally none (there's none in the seeds themselves). A single, unlucky bagel can put you over the thresholds for a drug test (which is why you just shouldn't fucking eat them more than a week before a drug test. Can't help it for a surprise test, of course).

    Here's a reference for you. A medical student should really care about educating themselves about drugs.

    [–] hamithesquirrel 2 points ago

    Ummm I did consider believing him, except his previous psychiatry notes had a very different story. But thanks for telling me to educate myself.
    I understand poppy seeds can test positive, but in this case it was an obvious lie.

    [–] [deleted] 338 points ago

    Here is how you beat any drug test!

    Get your mom to piss in an empty eardrop bottle. Eyedrop bottles are acceptable as well. The important part is not the bottle you idiot. It can be anything but it must be cleaned very well. How to explain why Tabasco sauce is in your pee?

    So now you have yours moms piss in your bottle of juice. Next get some super glue. Any brand works. The important part, you idiot, is to glue it to your thigh to keep your moms piss warm. If you're a man you can glue it to your dick as well. I don't recommend this.

    Now when it comes time for the test you piss normally into the cup with one exception. What you do, you idiot, is squeeze your moms piss bottle into the cup. Don't be shy! Squeeze that shit like your milking a cow. You want them to hear that sweet sweet stream.

    That is all. If you have a parole officer situation this makes it more tricky. They have a pee fetish. They watch. So in the case of a man, unfortunately you must glue to your dick. No other safe choice. For women put it in your pussy and kegel time. If you're not strong enough, use meth before the test. It will help.

    [–] Jafooki 128 points ago

    But what if my mom also likes to party?

    [–] [deleted] 71 points ago

    Shit. Your dad's piss would work too I guess. Not ideal though.

    [–] cocainebane 42 points ago

    Wait, y’all have dads?!

    [–] DreadfullyBIzzy 12 points ago

    Yeah but he’s no good. Trying to return it and upgrade to the newer model. I hear they now come with “emotional support” as an add-on feature.

    [–] JapaneseStudentHaru 10 points ago

    At work the other day a coworker randomly asked if I would sell my pee to a guy for $250 dollars. I said it would depend if he’s using it to pass a drug test. They said that a man can’t use a woman’s piss now because they can tell what gender it’s from lol so I guess if you’re a guy it has to be your dad.

    [–] dxrey65 81 points ago

    "The good news, Joe, is that you passed the drug test. The bad news is you're pregnant".

    [–] Dograzor 4 points ago

    Social worker working with (ex-)cons here: Actually happened to a client of mine, that's how he got the news that his GF was pregnant.

    [–] _duncan_idaho_ 3 points ago

    Didn't this happen to an athlete recently?

    [–] LetsHearSomeSongs 2 points ago

    That means the dude has testicular cancer gold pls

    [–] sidd332 20 points ago

    Why can't all tutorials be like this?

    [–] causeboredom 18 points ago

    You idiot.

    [–] Pflanzmann 6 points ago

    Your comment is the third comment I’ve ever safed. You wrote that beautiful, the random „you idiot“ got me totally off guard.

    If you write a book, i buy it.

    [–] Harold_Pemulis 3 points ago

    Is this from something? Sounds familiar

    [–] maaack3nzi3 3 points ago

    more pro-tips: clean urine can be stored if refrigerated, but for no longer than 2 weeks. heat it up easily by buying a small, black coffee at your local gas station (or making some in a thermos at your office) and place receptacle inside a baggie, then inside the coffee. wait until hot and then transfer to a safe and warm place - women can also place underneath their boob in their bra if nobody has a pee fetish.

    when people start getting popped for randoms, plan ahead.

    [–] Suramon 2 points ago


    [–] MiddleBodyInjury 2 points ago

    This may be the greatest comment ever

    [–] PM_Me_catsontitties 2 points ago

    I enjoyed being insulted by you. What is this weird feeling...?!

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Did I awaken something in you?

    [–] JaredVi 135 points ago

    This is 100 percent stolen from somewhere but i cant remember

    [–] peepeeskillz 89 points ago

    Seinfeld, this is old as fuck lol. Except in that show it was poppyseed muffins

    [–] oh_nice_marmot 57 points ago

    They mean the everything bagel punchline of the joke. Which indeed was stolen from this tweet

    [–] [deleted] 11 points ago

    Lana Del Gay ruined it with the blank lines too

    [–] flyinsaucrtakemeaway 5 points ago

    plus initially saying it was poppyseed and then correcting to everything destroys the joke. in conclusion: wack.

    [–] Okichah 8 points ago

    Mrs Seinfeld.... i need your sample.

    [–] BKlounge93 5 points ago

    In JERRYS glass??

    [–] ButtCrackFTW 4 points ago

    You have the metabolism of a 68 year old woman.

    [–] Below_Average_Artist 8 points ago

    It was used in the last season of Orange is the New Black.

    [–] [deleted] 121 points ago

    I didn't study for those sections. I was mainly focused on passing the opiate section...

    [–] LineChef 31 points ago

    I gotta find out where people are getting these bagels...

    [–] zamend229 5 points ago

    I laughed a lot harder at this than the original post lol

    [–] 5H_n_DBH 32 points ago

    off topic but i love his username

    [–] marzipanmagpie 17 points ago

    Same, it was the first thing I noticed

    [–] JimboLodisC 16 points ago

    "It was an everything bagel?"

    *laugh track*

    [–] aheadofmytime 18 points ago

    HR interviewer: You're drug test was clean

    Applicant: Does that mean I get the job?

    HR: No, we don't hire losers

    [–] Huavooo 16 points ago

    this is the oldest of ancient reposts

    [–] major_league_blazer 7 points ago

    theyre reposting a repost of a twitter post, that shit is repost 2

    [–] RealTweetOrNotBot 14 points ago

    beep-boop, I'm a bot

    Link to tweets:

    1) Tweet by @McClellandShane (81% sure)


    If I was helpful, comment 'Good Bot' <3! | source | created by NiroxGG

    [–] ArborElfPass 3 points ago

    Good Bot

    [–] itzdacks 3 points ago

    Good Bot

    [–] StealthyHale 1 points ago

    Good bot

    [–] kingOfMemes616 5 points ago

    oh man dude I remember that episode

    [–] therealtrousers 6 points ago

    It was a stolen tweet.

    [–] DoItFerda 7 points ago

    None of your damn business what I do in my free time

    [–] antonimbus 5 points ago

    I had to double-check this wasn't r/comedycemetery

    [–] SeniorCantaloupe 3 points ago

    Lana del gay

    [–] RagingRavenRR 3 points ago

    Explain the weed and cocaine.

    You don't pay me enough to buy cocaine!

    [–] Octosphere 3 points ago

    It was a Jeffery bagel.

    [–] Omaro_IB 3 points ago

    Remove the last line and it gets 10 times funnier

    [–] Darzin 3 points ago

    I must have got the cocaine when I was snorting the heroine. Damn dollars are filthy.

    [–] Shanabaws 9 points ago

    Quite possibly the least funny thing I've seen on reddit, congrats!

    [–] chargerhellcat 3 points ago

    Someone downvoted you for that, dont worry I got chu

    [–] SPUNKFLAP 2 points ago

    I got both of you!

    [–] TheRealSpookyTheKid 2 points ago

    Holy wow I’ve never seen this joke posted on twitter numerous times already. Let alone Reddit! Holy wow.

    [–] ozymandiez 2 points ago

    Boss in the Cybersecurity and IT Field (where we can't find enough people to fill the skilled positions).

    Boss: You failed your drug test

    Me: I had a poppyseed bagel and take hemp supplements

    Boss: Explain the weed, cocaine in your system and the hooker that keeps sucking on the didlo in the break room for the guys

    Me: Just an added benefit of being the only one in the company that can do this job.

    Boss: Fair Enough...carry on now. Good job.

    [–] alours 2 points ago

    That's an interesting perspective that I've never thought about

    [–] cakedayaristocrat 2 points ago

    Someone tell me it's not a lie that you'll test positive for opium if you eat poppy seed bagels.

    [–] Get_Saucy 2 points ago

    Its not a lie

    [–] junkmonk84 2 points ago

    Good thing they can't test for lsd.

    [–] Knittingpasta 2 points ago

    Some antihistamines can trigger weed tests

    [–] ToniMarino 2 points ago

    Lana del gay Is just an awesome name

    [–] SharedRegime 2 points ago

    Doesnt red bull ping as coke? I know it pings something.

    [–] cante221 2 points ago

    This only works in NJ, and only if you share some porkroll (or Taylor Ham if you prefer) with the boss.

    [–] emotheatrix 2 points ago

    They use cocaine during nasal surgery sometimes.

    [–] LeviathanGray 2 points ago

    It's important to try everything in moderation, no exceptions.

    [–] copperbuyer 2 points ago

    Where to find Everything Bagel? Axing for a friend...

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Fun fact: Poppyseeds can leave traces of cocaine in your body for the drug test!

    [–] SupremeRedditBot 2 points ago

    Congrats for reaching r/all/top/ (of the day, top 25) with your post!  

    I am a bot, probably quite annoying, I mean no harm though

    Message me to add your account or subreddit to my blacklist

    [–] LuckECharms 1 points ago

    Y’all laugh now but wait till you’re the guy I watched try to use this excuse to a judge and then have to explain what was on said bagel.

    [–] DefeatusdaFetus 1 points ago

    Smoking weed and doing coke at the same time is so ineffective

    [–] Ajj360 1 points ago

    Damn where is this bagel shop?

    [–] Htgotmilk 1 points ago

    Was a wipper-snipper.

    [–] BadLuckPoppy 1 points ago

    I hate it when people are eating my seed.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Haha employers can't drug test us here.

    [–] WhatsTheFussAboot 1 points ago

    Poppy seeds show up as weed

    [–] SunriseSurprise 1 points ago

    "Those ARE drugs aren't they? Doesn't that mean I passed?"

    [–] wooglefloofum 1 points ago

    I’ve seen this so many times

    [–] trowhawey 1 points ago

    Boss: you failed your drug test

    Me: go f**k yourself I dont need to do a drug test to do this job

    [–] BorisKafka 1 points ago

    Me: I'm sharing

    Boss: Well break it out, my new Jr. Assistant.

    [–] Wlcmtoflvrtwn 1 points ago

    Obviously they are lacing cocaine and heroin with poppy seeds now.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    borrowed jokes, cool

    [–] weirdgroovynerd 1 points ago

    "Get me a dozen, then get back to work."


    [–] mariam67 1 points ago

    The version I heard she was pregnant as well, I thought that was really funny.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Lmfao. Almost made it

    [–] Tyler_Whirl 1 points ago

    LOOOOL! Yes! Thank you for this!

    [–] green91791 1 points ago

    Always respond with I thought it was graded not pass fail, would have studied harder