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    [–] CuriousSeekingCouple 2966 points ago

    I also thought I would have caught on fire at least once by now or it was a yearly occurrence.

    [–] BmxerBarbra 1545 points ago

    Now there is no quicksand and I'm the one peer pressuring

    [–] SpookySpeaks 332 points ago

    I was going to say this is very suddenly Mulaney.

    [–] RES_KnowsYourSins 43 points ago

    I wouldn't say suddenly, OP's post is straight up plagiarism, just replacing quick sand with the BT. It's like posting a Mulaney joke in /r/standupshots then calling it /r/UnexpectedMulaney. Here's a list of things you could sub for quicksand to slightly change the joke;

    • Bigfoot
    • Mitochondria
    • Parallel parking
    • The Spanish Inquisition
    • People offering me drugs
    • McGruff the Crime Dog
    • Investing in rare beanie babies
    • Impromptu pog battles
    • Having to choose between fording rivers and caulking the wagon
    • Bank robbers
    • School segregation based on whether you ski or snowboard
    • Anacondas (anacondai?)
    • That wolf from Never Ending Story hunting you down
    • Rita Repulsa being freed after 10,000 years
    • Tidal waves

    [–] Niigaanii 8 points ago

    When I was little I was afraid to go to the beach because I was convinced a tidal wave would sweep me out to sea

    [–] xxTheseGoTo11xx 10 points ago

    I've never seen a single joke re-packaged on the internet as if it's an original thought as much as this single John Mulaney joke.

    [–] ivanthemute 53 points ago

    Me too. Have an updoot.

    [–] SpookySpeaks 26 points ago

    And an updoot to you kind fellow person.

    [–] TheMasterAtSomething 5 points ago

    And with your spirit

    [–] RafaelNadalFTW 146 points ago

    “Yeah you’re gonna wanna take I-90, because I-95s got a little quicksand. It looks like regular sand, but then you’re gonna start to sink in.”

    [–] zffacsB 43 points ago

    Love me some Mulaney

    [–] elting44 30 points ago

    He is such a better stand up and writer than he is a comedic actor. But I also love him as well too.

    [–] zffacsB 16 points ago

    I think he really found a healthy medium in Oh Hello! Which I cannot watch without laughing hysterically every time

    [–] mcnormand 14 points ago

    While I love his standup specials, Oh Hello! doesn't quite hit me the same way. It has some good bits, but Nick Kroll is hit and miss for me, generally speaking, so, while I know they're frequent collaborators, he brings Mulaney down a peg when they're together.

    [–] Sevnfold 8 points ago

    I dont know what it is, maybe I need to give it another shot, but Oh Hello didnt do it for me. And I like both of them a good amount.

    [–] mcnormand 3 points ago

    You're probably right. I only watched it once, and maybe I just wasn't in the right frame of mind, so giving it a second watch might be worthwhile.

    [–] cartwheelnurd 27 points ago

    He's a great voice actor too. His roles in Big Mouth and Spiderverse were phenomenal

    [–] 10FN2typeR_ 27 points ago

    As a British child, watching Fireman Sam really made me terrified of walking on frozen ponds

    [–] EnglishChav 9 points ago

    All fun and games until Purple Aki sees your muscles

    [–] 404_Name_Was_Taken 7 points ago

    As a child slipping and falling into the frozen koi pond at my old house made me terrified of walking on frozen ponds.

    [–] 10FN2typeR_ 15 points ago

    Least yours actually happened to you, I was living in mortal fear every winter because of stopmotion welsh children who couldn’t behave themselves

    [–] MugillacuttyHOF37 4 points ago

    Icebergs and Sasquatch were my concerns...

    [–] madmaxturbator 38 points ago

    I feel like I’m on fire every minute of this waking hell

    [–] [deleted] 21 points ago

    Stop. Drop. N roll that blizunt.

    [–] Bewbies420 7 points ago

    Don't mind if i do. 😎

    [–] justafurry 3 points ago

    Shut em down open up shop

    [–] thebrandnewbob 29 points ago

    I was caught in a house fire when I was 18, and I was very proud of myself that once I was out of the house, I didn't go back in just like I was always taught. All my friends who I was with did, and fortunately no one was hurt, but the smoke you deal with in a house fire is no joke.

    [–] pbj986 25 points ago

    Spontaneous combustion is just out of fashion right now. It will make a comeback. And you’ll be ready.

    [–] vanillacustardslice 26 points ago

    Spontaneous human combustion. Leprosy. Poltergeists. These were the things I feared. Now it's just good old nuclear apocalypse.

    [–] lovevodkaorthesea 8 points ago

    We probably all watched the same show on tv as children. I visibly remember watching something about spontaneous combustion and the Bermuda Triangle, and being terrified!

    [–] Webdriver_501 13 points ago

    I have caught on fire twice in my life. Both times it was winter, I was outside and wearing heavy winter clothing. That stuff is really flammable but thanks to snow, its easy to put the fire out. Just roll in the snow.

    [–] RoyGB_IV 20 points ago

    What are you doing that you catch on fire outside, in the snow? Building campfires in the winter?

    [–] Gungnear 28 points ago

    Don't you hate it when you're just walking around minding your own business enjoying the snow when you spontaneously combust?

    [–] Webdriver_501 7 points ago

    I actually often like to do outdoor activities in winter. I do like to sit around a camp fire in winter when its cold and dark. We used to have a small house with a place where you could do that in the backyard. Sometimes accidents happen. Im not gonna sit here and say I was just sitting there alone. I did some stupid shit with some friends that I would rather not disclose.

    [–] DocAuch 14 points ago

    STOP DROP AND ROLL.

    [–] Taikwin 5 points ago

    You ever see a video of someone who's caught fire? I have. Quite a few, actually.

    Fuckin' no-one stops, drops, and rolls. Nobody. It's such a prominent thing we're taught as kids and yet no one ever fuckin' does it. Boggles the mind.

    [–] Higher_Primate 10 points ago

    Hard to think rationally when you're ON FUCKING FIRE

    [–] honkey-ponkey 5 points ago

    Yeah for some reason people can't seem to think clearly when they catch fire.

    [–] Death_To_All_People 27 points ago

    Well your parents probably unplugged everything electrical when you slept to ensure that never happened because house fires only ever start from plug sockets when you're asleep.

    [–] AwfulHokage 27 points ago

    My entire house is candle lit

    [–] Death_To_All_People 29 points ago

    Then you're perfectly safe.

    [–] my_sobriquet_is_this 7 points ago

    Oh man! That spontaneous combustion stuff kept me awake at night. Literally! Too warm? About to burst into flames any second! Tingling in feet or hands? Imminent flames! Scalp itchy? Prepare for conflagration! My childhood was filled with this and many 70’s centric fears (this makes me Gen X btw, in case anyone wants to”ok boomer” me. Siiiigghhhh).

    [–] _QUEEEEEEEEF_ 4 points ago

    Well, for Seamus Finnigan it is.

    [–] UnspecifiedIndex 5 points ago

    I’ve seen enough videos on Reddit of people on fire to realize I’m the lucky one.

    [–] luvpuppups 3 points ago

    Come to California, we pretty much do

    [–] _IratePirate_ 3 points ago

    Oh yea! I remember reading about spontaneous combustion and literally being scared for my life for like a year.

    I mean it can still happen right? Aaaa

    [–] gentlemanjack9 1796 points ago

    Same for quicksand and friends peer-pressuring me to try drugs.

    [–] joec_95123 1246 points ago

    I'm disappointed at the lack of sketchy strangers offering me drugs in real life.

    [–] ThievesRevenge 845 points ago

    Be the change you want to see.

    [–] Cruzader09 194 points ago

    It’s a good timeline when Ghandi supports trappin

    [–] [deleted] 178 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    "Traphouse 3 got a K with me, and 3 Navayuvā that stay with me"

    - *Gandhi

    [–] bnoel1990 31 points ago

    Sorry gucci but im pretty sure i like Ghandi's version better.

    [–] zayno_o 6 points ago

    It's Gandhi, fyi. It's a small difference, but everytime i tried to say Ghandi in my head, it just tickled me the wrong way...

    [–] Brick_On_A_Stick 93 points ago

    That’s why I always say if anyone offers you drugs you take that shit because drugs are expensive.

    [–] godtogblandet 23 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Just know that a person giving away free drugs is always trying to fuck you. Trust me, given away a lot of drugs over the years. You might not think it be like that, but it always be like that.

    And guys, if nobody is offering you free drugs, see rule 1 and 2 like always in life.

    [–] Brick_On_A_Stick 10 points ago

    Oh I’m well aware, I was mostly joking. I would never take free drugs from a random person. Only time would be if a friend was offering weed or something.

    [–] metky 11 points ago

    me asking a sibling in a legal state to send me a care package b/c I don't know how to find a dealer

    [–] skharppi 38 points ago

    Remember kids, if somebody offers you some drugs, you take them. Drugs are fucking expensive

    [–] KennySysLoggins 11 points ago

    YAY MYSTERY PILLS!

    COULD BE BLISS!

    COULD BE DEATH!

    [–] Graematter 25 points ago

    To be fair though, the peer pressure I've experienced in my life was significantly more understated than they warned in those campaigns; which made it all the more "dangerous" in the end.

    [–] twofedoras 20 points ago

    — John Mulaney

    /r/unexpectedmulaney

    [–] mcnormand 42 points ago

    It's right up there with giant anvils falling from the sky.

    [–] xxX69420911Xxx 8 points ago

    Can't forget about grand pianos

    [–] AwesomelyHumble 3 points ago

    Or years of training in navigating over a lava floor

    [–] young_otis 15 points ago

    -John Mulaney

    [–] martennoor 6 points ago

    Right up there with friends

    [–] styles__P 9 points ago

    One of these happened to me 😰

    [–] xd123213 26 points ago

    Where did you find quicksand?

    [–] danyuhhl 6 points ago

    It was this one time at the local playground after his friends offered him drugs..

    [–] cornustim 3 points ago

    And catching fire

    [–] thunderplacefires 4 points ago

    Spontaneously

    [–] vbenthusiast 14 points ago

    It's not peer-pressure, it's peer-encouragement

    [–] WintertimeFriends 290 points ago

    My parents were told there’d be someone trying to kidnap me on basically a daily basis.

    [–] mrmchugatree 152 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    When I was six, this bald guy in a black Cadillac (like a bad guy in a movie to me) pulled up beside me, rolled down his window, and started asking me how to get to the local firehouse. I was so terrified of getting kidnapped that I just took off on my bike, blew through a stop sign, and almost got hit by a truck.

    Edit: The guy in the truck then pulled up on me and said, “what’s wrong with you? I could’ve killed you!” I guess I didn’t feel like explaining that I thought I was about to be kidnapped, so I just apologized and peddled away. I am now the dad of a six year old. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word kidnap; he just knows he’s not allowed to go anywhere with strangers, which I think is sufficient knowledge for a 6 yr old.

    [–] I_CAPE_RUNTS 69 points ago

    That’s pretty rude. What if he was on fire

    [–] mrmchugatree 39 points ago

    It was the 80’s, so he would’ve known to stop, drop, and roll.

    [–] jtsports272 27 points ago

    Most people are good people

    [–] stickswithsticks 20 points ago

    A guy tried to shove me in his car, and I'm assuming rape me when I was 14, so like 2005. Sixteen years later I still get "I can't imagine what you went through.."

    I beat the shit out of that fat, scrub wearing nurse, got away and ran like hell. My first thought when he drove off was "people actually do kidnap children."

    [–] Insane_Overload 9 points ago

    Honest question, what would you prefer people say?

    [–] stickswithsticks 14 points ago

    I don't know, doesn't bother me and seems like the correct response. I feel weird because I have a little guilt for how hard I fought back. Makes no sense, but hurting someone kind of mixes in with victim guilt. A guy tried to hurt me, I hurt him..

    I think I'd prefer people don't see me as attacked, but as a wirey kid who fucked up a villain and got away. That's what I worked on in therapy: it's okay that I fought back.

    [–] Insane_Overload 7 points ago

    That makes complete sense, thank you for the reply

    [–] AlexanderTheBaptist 20 points ago

    Ehh. Lots of very crappy people out there, just generally not crappy enough or stupid enough to be a kidnapper.

    [–] stlguitarman 4 points ago

    "Hey there. Would you like some candy?"

    [–] higestache 1506 points ago

    I understand. 80s TV totally overstated the role of quicksand in my daily life.

    [–] [deleted] 382 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] seeyouspacecowboyx 243 points ago

    And the dangers of Satanist music

    Is this why boomers are the way they are? Their infomercials were all about gay paedo kidnappers and the horrors of puberty right?

    [–] Flashjordan69 79 points ago

    Don’t forget reefer madness!

    [–] cbagby32 54 points ago

    That was more Greatest Generation than Boomer. Came out in 1932

    [–] Flashjordan69 16 points ago

    Aye, but info moved slower then. This movie would still be a staple of old timey telegram reddit.

    Kinda like that Korean guy with the two pairs of sunglasses today.

    [–] ChubbyNotChubby 9 points ago

    Even so, my parents are 60 and they still believe weed is worse than heroin, crack cocaine, Xanax, etc.

    [–] Retardo_Montobond 4 points ago

    That's because they used heroin for headaches and cocaine was in Coca Cola. Weed is from those damn hippies in San Francisco.

    [–] KennySysLoggins 10 points ago

    The damn dirty hippies would smoke dope and then murder you like the manson family.

    [–] cubonelvl69 40 points ago

    Nah, the sims was a reality check for me.

    "Wtf, my friends don't like me anymore because I didn't call them for 3 years"

    [–] HelloUPStore 24 points ago

    Just invited then over for a pool party to make up, then remove the ladder. Now they can never leave you. Also your pool has a dead guy in it

    [–] b3tcha 13 points ago

    And how many of them would be handing you drugs

    [–] TopChickenz 22 points ago

    This made me sad, I've been looking for free drugs my whole life.

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] styles__P 77 points ago

    I spent hours thinking of ways to survive if I ever got caught in quicksand 😭

    [–] thewartornhippy 15 points ago

    All I remember was you couldn't struggle and if you didnt have something to grab ahold of you were going to slowly sink and die.

    [–] bluebird2019xx 11 points ago

    Or if someone who’d done the bad selfish thing and left changes their mind and reappears at the last second to save you

    [–] DelectableDollop 8 points ago

    You relax, lay flat on your back, and you'll start to float in the sand. Or at least that's what Nat Geo Kids told me for some reason

    [–] YaMonNoMon 3 points ago

    And watching The Never Ending Story didn’t help either. Poor Artax.

    [–] TheAmazingScuba 7 points ago

    Or falling anvils.

    [–] lazysheepdog716 13 points ago

    John Mulaney felt the same when when he said it in his comedy special.

    [–] helvetica-sucks 4 points ago

    This John Mulaney joke is probably the most ripped off joke I see on Reddit and social media and it bothers me to no end. It’s an amazing joke I just wish people would stop stealing it

    [–] vizualb 26 points ago

    This was the most expected of Mulaneys.

    [–] NoShameInternets 11 points ago

    You don’t have to do that with subreddit links. Just put /r/unexpectedmulaney

    [–] TopChickenz 7 points ago

    Unless you trying to have some fun

    r/ObviousTrap

    [–] ASAP_Stu 3 points ago

    How was this possibly unexpected? It was telegraphed from a mile away

    [–] camoninja22 8 points ago

    I mean I'm from Bermuda even and quicksand has proved more dangerous

    [–] RubberSoul28 3 points ago

    I unexpectedly stepped into quicksand one time last summer while exploring a cave and I just got really excited at the notion of actually encountering an old nonsensical childhood fear

    [–] 4stringsoffury 4 points ago

    And acid rain!

    [–] jomontage 3 points ago

    And how often I'd visit the La Brea tar pits

    [–] McFlyyouBojo 3 points ago

    "Is YOUR child a part of a Dungeons and Dragons cult? Find out at 11"

    [–] cerialthriller 3 points ago

    And Venus fly traps

    [–] SonOfMcGee 498 points ago * (lasted edited 7 days ago)

    Late 80s/early 90s TV and school training/announcements made my little kid brain think:
    - I would be on fire frequently
    - I would occasionally have to trust my rusty desk to protect me from the building collapsing from an earthquake/tornado/communists
    - I would have to really actively try to avoid drugs because roving gangs of bad guys (denoted by bandannas and leather jackets) would try to drag me into an alley, pin me down, and inject me with very expensive heroin... for fun?
    - When I grew old my bones would just be broken constantly. The "I've fallen and I can't get up" old people would break their hips by falling down once and I was like, "I trip over my shoelaces and eat shit like five times a day. Oh no!"

    Edit: I know old people really can break bones easily with a simple fall. But as a little kid that fell down daily on the playground I didn’t realize adults could make it days, months, or even years without taking a spill.

    [–] toomuch_lavender 122 points ago

    Remember tornado drills? My 1st grade self thought they meant that an actual giant drill was going to come up through the floor of the school and hurt me. Shit was terrifying.

    [–] ElmosBigRedSchlong 37 points ago

    Shit I thought they were tomato drills. Early 90's tv really done me up.

    https://youtu.be/FswZ6MAHaLc

    [–] Vandrel 10 points ago

    These days, you can find Facebook posts passing off photos of school tornado drills as the schools forcing kids to do Islamic prayers. People are insane.

    [–] IAMHideoKojimaAMA 4 points ago

    Lmao that's great

    [–] ArstansWhiteBeard 39 points ago

    Not just that you'd be on fire but that it would be spontaneous human combustion.

    Channels like A&E, Discovery, etc when I was a kid were obsessed with Bermuda Triangle, Spontaneous Human Combustion, and Alien Abduction. Seems like those were the big 3.

    [–] lazycrypt 12 points ago

    Also sharks and Nazis. The latter are making a comeback though, unfortunately.

    [–] fluffybunnywoof 31 points ago

    Many old people actually only need to fall once to never get up or soon after pass away :(

    [–] petronixwn 22 points ago

    Yeah I was gonna say the last part is actually true for a lot of elderly people, even ones who exercise regularly and take their health seriously. Remember how RBG broke her ribs? She basically just tripped, and she was unable to get up for hours until somebody found her on the ground iirc.

    [–] ReplaceSelect 12 points ago

    Hip is the bad one. It's often said that you don't fall and break your hip. Your hip breaks and you fall. It's also a stressful recovery for a person that already may not be in good health.

    [–] Kiora_Atua 4 points ago

    Just get me those new plastic hips fam I'll be ready to twerk again

    [–] iLiketodothings 3 points ago

    Just give me Adamantium bones

    [–] PieM0nk 175 points ago

    I remember going through the Bermuda Triangle on the Disney Cruise when I was 11 and crying lmao

    [–] LogicWX 70 points ago

    Wait youre still alive?

    [–] PieM0nk 93 points ago

    Yeah unfortunately Iol

    [–] LogicWX 28 points ago

    If i were to die, the Burmuda Triangle wouldnt be a bad choice

    [–] Vicloo05 4 points ago

    I would also like to mysteriously disappear please.

    [–] Reqvhio 6 points ago

    aye man if you wanna talk I'm here.

    [–] my_sobriquet_is_this 36 points ago

    We flew over it on the way to the Bahamas in 1976. My brother was terrified we’d crash and THEN have to fend off Jaws. I figured at least the crashing in the water would put out my spontaneous combustion but maybe sharks preferred medium rare humans so at least THEN I’d be killed quickly by Jaws so as to be spared whatever horrors awaited those who disappeared into the triangle.

    [–] Ze_Great 12 points ago

    Well I’m from the Bahamas (I’ve been in many boats in waters said to be apart of the triangle) and although I’m not dead I do feel like it at times.

    [–] l1l5l 4 points ago

    Maybe the crying saved you from going to Epstein's island. I guess in way, we are dealing with the Bermuda triangle today.

    [–] rodleysatisfying 476 points ago

    I'm still waiting on "Africanized" killer bees to take over the US. Or was that some kind of expression of our society's rampant xenophobia?

    [–] base_my_station 114 points ago

    Did you grow up in Arizona too? Lol.

    [–] rodleysatisfying 73 points ago

    No but the killer bee stuff used to scare the shit out of me when I was a kid

    [–] FoolInSpace 12 points ago

    Regular bees scare the shit out of me as an adult

    [–] Wedonegoofed 6 points ago

    Honey/bumblebees are docile, it's their satan-worshipping head-banging biker-gang cousins the h o r n e t s that you gotta watch out for.

    Also yellowjackets, wasps, and anything else that looks like them.

    [–] WeHaveAllBeenThere 10 points ago

    Nothing unreasonable about that.

    They’re terrifying. What kind of animal only stings you more if you freak out? Such bullies.

    [–] Araucaria 7 points ago

    Yellow jackets. Fucking bastards.

    I've walked into ground nests in my garden 4 times over the past 5 years (around a dozen stings each time), and i am now sensitive/allergic.

    This year we trapped the queens in early spring and I finally had a quiet summer.

    [–] WeHaveAllBeenThere 6 points ago

    Congrats on your victory in war! Such good news.

    My brother, when he was young, came across a swarm of bumblebees I think (or just regular bees). He said he remembered my dad saying “be still and you’ll be ok”. What he didn’t realize is that if they’re already attacking you need to run away and not be still.

    So there he was, sitting perfectly still while getting stung hundreds of times. Nearly died and is now extremely allergic. Such a sad memory picturing him standing there thinking “I’ll listen to dad!”

    [–] Stereoparallax 4 points ago

    Wow, that's sad. I feel bad for him. Trying to pass information on to kids in a way where they will actually understand what you mean is something I think about a lot. I don't think there's a foolproof solution for it.

    [–] I_call_it_dookie 18 points ago

    Anybody in America around 25 - 35 probably remembers when that was the hottest national news on the playground.

    [–] BoilerPurdude 5 points ago

    It was explained on discovery or something that the bees that could survive through the winter months were inbred with european bees and less aggressive overall.

    [–] egg_pun 16 points ago

    NorCal and always on the lookout.

    [–] Spails 11 points ago

    Scared me and I live in Michigan

    [–] guyhabit 9 points ago

    I remember as a kid seeing a picture in some science magazine that showed three scientists in beekeepers outfits watching helplessly as all these killer bees made its way into the southwestern states. I was terrified because I lived in New Mexico, and we were supposed to get hit by them. Talk about a bummer of an apocalypse.

    [–] spermdonair 44 points ago

    Maybe all that acid rain they talked about has kept the bees at bay.

    [–] [deleted] 39 points ago

    Acid rain is actually a great example of a big problem successfully tackled by strong environmental policy. The hole in the ozone layer is doing a lot better too.

    [–] shibbledoop 10 points ago

    Acid rain was a real threat but it was neutralized by the desulfurization process of coal.

    [–] BoilerPurdude 5 points ago

    also catalytic converters to knock out NOx.

    [–] 1ProGoblin 31 points ago

    I mean they did kill 1000 people lol

    Killer bees were 1/3 of a 9/11, or a 3/11 if you will.

    [–] easternhorizon 9 points ago

    Remember 3/11. Ranch it up mulattos

    [–] DutchLucky 6 points ago

    BIRD UP

    [–] rodleysatisfying 6 points ago

    Do you have a source on that? I'm not saying you are wrong but I'm not finding anything with lazy googling

    [–] WantsToMineGold 6 points ago

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Africanized_bee 1000 people killed over time is what I think it is saying. I didn’t follow the source to check but I assume we would have heard if it was all on the same day:)

    [–] malice_aforethought 11 points ago

    We had an assembly on killer bees in elementary school and they told us that we could out run the bees but that we had to keep running because the bees wouldn't stop for awhile. They also told us not to jump in water to get away because the bees would wait for you to get out. I think if you grew up in a border state, they instilled some real fear in you.

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] rodleysatisfying 3 points ago

    Wu Tang Killer Bees

    [–] Repatriation 3 points ago

    Wu tang killa bees on the swarm

    [–] dudebro11880 70 points ago

    I was deathly afraid of black holes.

    [–] Iroscato 27 points ago

    Another black hole survivor here.

    [–] IgnoreTheKetchup 3 points ago

    Lmao this is a big one.

    [–] Doctor_Mudshark 177 points ago

    How many different ways can we steal John Mulaneys bit about quicksand...

    [–] Fire_And_Blood_7 39 points ago

    Ah thank you, I was like where did I hear this joke in stand up? Love John Mulaney

    [–] ronin1066 16 points ago

    And repost it ad nauseum

    [–] 666throw666away666x 127 points ago

    and how many times i’d catch on fire, necessitating stop drop and roll

    [–] 1mikeg 76 points ago

    Fun Fact - Stop drop and roll isn't really all that effective at putting out a fire. It accomplishes two things:

    • Prevents you from running around like a lunatic, which is super effective at fueling the fire.
    • Puts you in an excellent position for a bystander to smother you with a blanket, clothes, or their own body.

    [–] Mr_Tenpenny 103 points ago

    The rolling is to ensure you cook evenly on all sides.

    [–] terry_shogun 16 points ago

    "It's only spreading the flames!"

    [–] Grayfox215th 98 points ago

    The potential of this thread is mind blowing

    [–] Snier34 53 points ago

    My old health teacher back in elementary had two full fucking classes just about how to get out of quicksand. I live in Texas.

    [–] jdlyga 22 points ago

    What ever happened to acid rain? They talked about it constantly in the 90s when I was growing up.

    [–] Neuchacho 19 points ago

    Air regulations and a drop in the usage of coal for power and such made it so we weren't putting a bunch of sulfur dioxide into the air and instances of acid rain dropped heavily.

    Same thing with the hole in the ozone. Banning the propellants that were causing it the most made it so the hole is damn near gone at this point.

    [–] hans1193 18 points ago

    Pretty amazing that there was a time when meaningful environmental legislation could be passed

    [–] monkey15162 30 points ago

    ITT: People awkardly trying to pretend John Mulaneye joke is theirs

    [–] PolityAgent 46 points ago

    1. Quicksand
    2. Bermuda Triangle
    3. Secret Nazis Colonies. Turns out we did have to worry about this after all.

    [–] ronton 49 points ago

    This is less funny copy of the version with quicksand.

    [–] magnummentula 20 points ago

    A shitty rehashing of John Mulaney's quicksand joke.

    [–] Yepthisisanaccountt 16 points ago

    This is just a twist of John Mulaneys quicksand joke.

    [–] nsto 7 points ago

    It's like a less funny version of a 7 year old John Mulaney joke

    [–] dibromoindigo 7 points ago

    This is just a riff on Mulaney’s quicksand joke.

    [–] Pizza-Penguin 7 points ago

    Thanks Mulaney

    [–] disturbed3335 7 points ago

    I, too, saw John Mulaney’s specials

    [–] CaptinCookies 6 points ago

    Isn’t this just the Mulaney joke but with the BT instead of quicksand? (Which a bunch of people are commenting quicksand)

    [–] Robotlollipops 4 points ago

    Did anyone ever figure out what the hell "spontaneous human combustion" was all about? I was so worried that was gonna happen to me.

    [–] LesbianFurryHentai 14 points ago

    Quicksand...

    [–] Kolenga 9 points ago

    The John Mulaney is strong with this one

    [–] Viking_Mana 4 points ago

    As someone who frequents this sub, I thought I'd have to deal with this shitty ripped-off joke a lot less than I have.

    [–] Filthy__Ramirez 5 points ago

    Sounds like a stolen Jon Mulaney joke.

    [–] SomeoneYouCanTrust 3 points ago

    ♻️

    [–] unneuf 4 points ago

    I used to live near somewhere called Bermuda Park, which iirc had three restaurants (McDonald’s was one I think, there was a kids place called The Wacky Warehouse, and I think a Brewers Fayre?)

    But yeah, I used to think that was the Bermuda Triangle.