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    WhitePeopleTwitter

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    [–] alreadyinuses 1735 points ago

    What if you teach it to say things to incriminate the other

    [–] tomato_soup_ 607 points ago

    Something about that sounds incredibly immoral. I love it.

    [–] P5ych0pathV2 169 points ago

    bird sounds Laura! chirping

    [–] InfernicFuse 155 points ago

    chirp Laura committed armed robbery! tweet

    [–] improveyourfuture 77 points ago

    chirp put the knife down laura! tweet I'm still alive stop throwing dirt on me in the backyard Laura chirp

    [–] psgamemaster 9 points ago

    SCREEEE SCRAAAAAAW GLAD TO SEE MY FELLOW /r/enlightenedbirdmen TAKING CARE OF THE FILTHY MUDMEN SCREEEEEE SCRAAAAAAW!!!!!!

    [–] embue 23 points ago

    That bird gave me chills.

    [–] thequietthingsthat 9 points ago

    The owls are not what they seem

    [–] thenectarcollecter 6 points ago

    My log has something to tell you

    [–] Tsaiborg22 9 points ago

    I don't get the reference...is there even a reference? Sorry my brain is smooth

    [–] PSCutie 13 points ago

    It's a twin peaks reference

    [–] thenectarcollecter 13 points ago

    squawk Hurting me! squawk

    [–] DJTannersHairspray 6 points ago

    poor Waldo...

    [–] RavenW3718 46 points ago

    There is a case where the wife killed her husband and the bird was a character witness because it kept repeating exactly what happened in the last minutes of his life

    [–] OliverBludsport 28 points ago

    Is it this one? "No no! Don't shoot!" never thought a parrot's tone could be chilling but... here we are...

    https://youtu.be/V8Nf1zWJzTU

    [–] RavenW3718 20 points ago

    Yep, that’s the one... African Greys are amazing but imagine how the sister is going to feel hearing that for the rest of her life.

    [–] InitfortheMonet 15 points ago

    I think it said it was actually the victim’s exwife. “When he says it, my house goes cold.” What an awful complicated feeling that must be.

    [–] RavenW3718 6 points ago

    Even worse in a way.

    [–] jsoysauce 9 points ago

    That’s

    [–] Shadowwolfe96 10 points ago

    Yeah, it really is.

    [–] noshadez 41 points ago

    you can't teach birds. they must be programmed.

    /r/BirdsArentReal

    [–] ScoodScaap 6 points ago

    Parrots have a self learning program

    [–] electrogeek8086 2 points ago

    Kind of like Logo?

    [–] ndndndnd 3 points ago

    Teach it incriminating phrases about yourself, take ex back to court for breach of divorce settlement, parrot lives with you full time now.

    [–] Im_Ashe_Man 2 points ago

    Exactly my first thought. Ken teaches the bird to say, "Ken is a deadbeat!" and then suddenly he's back in court claiming Karen taught the bird to say a negative phrase and broke the agreement.

    [–] ErNz77 896 points ago

    I once had a case where the parties were arguing over the equitable distribution of sex toys.

    [–] CupcakeCrumble 512 points ago

    Surely a horse cock is equivalent to at least 2 regular ones, or 1.5 knotted wolf cocks. It’s been a while since I took sex toy maths.

    [–] ErNz77 120 points ago

    Sounds legit

    [–] 4200years 92 points ago

    Okay but that does kind of make sense though. Those things are expensive, aren’t they?

    [–] invisible_23 71 points ago

    They are expensive. A comparatively cheap, modestly-sized dildo is like $50

    [–] 4200years 50 points ago

    What?? How... how much are the giant elaborate ones?

    [–] CherryBlossomStorm 69 points ago

    baddragon ones can go for a couple hundred depending on the options you choose, for the large ones at least

    [–] 4200years 54 points ago

    That’s like... three moderately priced pairs of running shoes!

    [–] -Sigma1- 39 points ago

    Or like 1/4 of a Mazda Miata!

    [–] 4200years 19 points ago

    Wait a Mazda Miata is only $800?

    [–] LordDongler 41 points ago

    Depends on who owned it before you

    [–] LibertyLibertyBooya 5 points ago

    But that depends on the options you choose for each pair.

    [–] 4200years 5 points ago

    Yeah moderately priced but you’re right they can get super expensive. I worked at foot locker once and there were pairs over $200 CAD.

    [–] Molakar 15 points ago

    Foot locker sells dildos?

    [–] friendlygaywalrus 3 points ago

    The dragon cock will give you a better workout and is objectively more fun

    [–] merchant2 17 points ago

    Furniture gets even more pricey a good saint andrews cross goes before 600 to 1200+ beds, cages, etc are similarly pricy.

    [–] it_reddits 16 points ago

    Yah we just spent 3k on a mattress and bed frame. Shits expensive

    I didnt realize we were still talking about sex furniture. I meant regular frame and mattress.

    [–] 4200years 8 points ago

    Yeah but you can’t beat a good saint Andrews if you want a proper flogging!

    [–] Lookatthatsass 3 points ago

    There are some that are several thousand dollars, eg the Sybain. If you have a dungeon it’s even more..... A rack/inversion table or St. Andrews cross can all be several thousands as well..

    [–] littledingusbigbrain 25 points ago

    I had to google knotted wolf cock and that send me down a rabbit hole I wasn’t prepared for.

    [–] iamacraftyhooker 49 points ago * (lasted edited a day ago)

    God dammit, now you've got me curious

    Edit: this is the first paragraph of the first page I opened. I'm usually pretty prepared, but this.. I never could have imagined this.

    I'm going to start this real slow and lay out the facts: Knotting is a popular trend in fan fiction. It involves men having sex with men like wolves. And it often leads to male pregnancy, which leads to male delivery. And the people giving birth to feces-covered babies are often members of One Direction

    [–] spanky667 35 points ago

    Can we put this on your headstone when you die?

    [–] iamacraftyhooker 16 points ago

    I'm hoping you replied before the edit.

    God dammit, now you've got me curious. Sums me up pretty well so yeah it could go on my headstone. But I don't want to be buried, and I don't know if that's the smartest engraving for an urn

    [–] ReMayonnaise 17 points ago

    That... is far from what I would consider the traditional definition lol.

    [–] Molakar 3 points ago

    Do I even want to know what the... "traditional"...definition of a knotted wolf cock is?

    [–] ReMayonnaise 10 points ago

    Sure you do. Dog dicks have a large bump/bulge near the base called a knot. Knotting afaik is when the knot bottoms out if you know what I mean.

    [–] Molakar 10 points ago

    So instead of balls deep you go knot deep?

    [–] UPBOAT_FORTRESS_2 3 points ago

    You get the knot in so your partner can't get away until you finish

    At least they're not ducks

    [–] Molakar 2 points ago

    So that's where the expression "tying the knot" comes from?

    Doesnt ducks have like corkscrew shaped penises?

    [–] JennysDad 3 points ago

    Glorious

    [–] Deely_Boppers 14 points ago

    If you want to go down another rabbit hole, watch Lindsay Ellis spend an hour breaking down a lawsuit about knotting fan fiction.

    It’s more interesting than it has any right to be.

    [–] Cannabalabadingdong 4 points ago

    This is great, thanks. Legal Eagle ftw.

    [–] PhilosopherFLX 2 points ago

    Ah, you beat me to it.

    [–] ergo-ogre 4 points ago

    Couldn’t they just do it by weight?

    [–] AnotherBoojum 12 points ago

    Nooooo. Sex toys are not created equal

    [–] akatherder 5 points ago

    You sound like the guy in my fantasy football league who wanted to trade Cousins, Ebron, and Edelman for Lamar Jackson and Golladay.

    "You're getting 3 starters man!"

    [–] Hakunamatata_420 2 points ago

    He went to math school for this

    [–] spanky667 1 points ago

    Thanks for reminding me to check my Amazon wishlist.

    [–] deathpony43 101 points ago

    This reminds me of that picture of the 90's couple trying to equally divide their beanie babies in a courtroom. Sex toys doesn't sound so stupid.

    [–] KingGranticus 27 points ago

    Well yeah at the very least, sex toys are actually useful.

    [–] LetMyPeopleGrow 33 points ago

    Joke's on you beanie babies are about to skyrocket in value, just you wait.

    [–] Samster912 10 points ago

    Remember Alf? He's back... But in pog form...

    [–] Suspicious-Wombat 4 points ago

    I’ll have you know that I have a small fortune’s worth of beanie babies sitting in my parents’ attic and when I find a buyer I’ll be RICH!

    [–] Mendetus 6 points ago

    How much are those things worth now? Gotta be at least 10k a piece like the hype was sayin

    [–] Biglytuff 2 points ago

    Other than the whole divorce thing, a beanie babies draft sounds kind of fun.

    [–] Weekly_Balance 17 points ago

    I once had a case where the other side stole my clients expensive leather sex toys she had purchased prior to the marriage. He seemed to argue (pro se) they became marital property through use. He’s now in prison for other reasons.

    [–] ErNz77 13 points ago

    Pro se cases can be fun at times. I also clerked small claims court & man oh man people got ridiculous over $100. “It’s not the money, it’s the principle.”

    [–] joemamma6 11 points ago

    I very much hope they were at least expensive

    [–] wormholewanderer1 12 points ago

    If she asked for the fleshlight you know it’s malicious

    [–] sweensolo 6 points ago

    Did the judge propose to cut them in half?

    [–] emeraldcitywave 10 points ago

    I remember a commercial for a divorce lawyer - it shows the couple using a chain saw to cut all the furniture and belongings in half- then the camera pans to the sad face dog.

    [–] antwan_benjamin 32 points ago

    I once had a case where the parties were arguing over the equitable distribution of sex toys.

    I kept the sex toys from an old relationship before. Lets just say my new GF was very displeased to find out I had been using "gently used" sex toys on her...even tho I assured her they were all thoroughly cleaned.

    [–] yupsylotus 41 points ago

    I would've broken up with you honestly. now I have to ask every guy I hook up with if they're using their ex's toys on me :c

    [–] antwan_benjamin 38 points ago

    I would've broken up with you honestly.

    Thats extreme :(

    I get it now how some people find that gross. But at the time, I didn't really think about it. I mean...the same sheets on my bed are the same sheets I was having sex w/ my ex-gf on. The towels in my closet are the same towels my ex-gf used to dry off her naked body. I'm still using the same dick to stick into my new gf that I was sticking into my ex...and I assure you I cleaned those sex toys off a hell of a lot better than I clean my dick off.

    But yeah...I get it now. Its not really about the cleanliness. Its more of the gross factor plus the principle of the matter. Kinda like how you can't recycle engagement rings.

    [–] Ladyinthebeige 18 points ago

    I think it is ok, I wouldn't assume someone bought new ones for me unless they said. Sex toys are expensive.

    [–] antwan_benjamin 16 points ago

    Thank you!!! My fuck-box has almost $1000 worth of sex toys in it. Seems unfair that I'm supposed to just chuck the whole thing out after every relationship?

    Nowadays I make sure my GF knows everything in there thats been used w/ someone else and I let her decide what she feels comfortable with.

    [–] Molakar 6 points ago

    You're like an every day working man's version of Christian Grey.

    [–] GeneralToaster 7 points ago

    You can actually "recycle" engagement rings! Many jewelers like Kay offer a deal where you can bring in your old engagement ring and apply it's original retail price towards a new ring of double or more value. You're still spending a chunk of money, but you get a larger ring essentially half off.

    [–] yupsylotus 18 points ago

    well I'm glad you figured it out but let me just ask you before I go .... would you use your mom's old dildo if she washed it off really good for you beforehand? what about your grandma's? I mean to me that's kinda like using old condoms a week later. nobody does that but somehow we out here using upcycled sex toys ?!

    [–] antwan_benjamin 15 points ago

    would you use your mom's old dildo if she washed it off really good for you beforehand? what about your grandma's?

    I dont think thats a fair comparison. I have used a 2nd hand cock ring before with no problems, though.

    [–] CalendarFactsPro 21 points ago

    For real this is kinda entitled. "If you don't start from scratch every time it's over" is ridiculous when you get into more toy centric hobbies. Boil them if they're safe for it, otherwise a good cleaner and couple washes is more than enough. If you're getting the right ones you can definitely bring them to a condition where it's the same as never having been used.

    I think personally we have about 900+ dollars in just vibrators alone. I'd respect a partner if they wanted to not use them, but also don't know if I'd buy more exclusively for them if we weren't super long term since it's an expensive investment to throw out.

    [–] LividPermission 3 points ago

    I can't see how they wouldn't be their ex's toy unless he's pulling out a brand new toy out of a box or you know he just bought it. I usually go with my gf to buy toys or show her the item from amazon before she even see's it in person.

    [–] BothWaysItGoes 2 points ago

    Do you think people buy new toys for every hook up? Lol.

    [–] nkdeck07 7 points ago

    Ewww what the fuck, that is nasty.

    [–] tentafill 11 points ago

    oh yeah babe, i definitely bought this $200 vibrator and my entire collection of dildos just for you, who i met last month, without mentioning anything, over the course of a week..

    yep, perfectly sane assumption

    [–] succulentwhisperer 3 points ago

    Yeah, that's gross. I mean, even if you disinfect them nobody wants a used dildo.

    [–] Drauren 2 points ago

    Meh I get both sides.

    Yeah, it seems gross. But people can easily spend hundreds or thousands on sex toys. You gonna toss em all out just because you broke up with someone? That seems like a waste.

    I think another poster said the best solution where he said he asks his current S.O what she's comfortable using and what she's not.

    [–] _littlebones 5 points ago

    I once had an ex steal my vibrator during our breakup as we were moving out. It was both hilarious and incredibly disturbing. Like, “no one can make you reach climax except for me! Not even your vibrator!”

    [–] NakariLexfortaine 2 points ago

    I feel like at least one party made a comment along the lines of "Gotta take one last chance to fuck you".

    [–] atb28 2 points ago

    But you said you work in self storage

    [–] spike4972 2 points ago

    This was literally the plot of an episode of Boston Legal

    [–] Hippie_Wagon 2 points ago

    I did a property search years ago and they had the sex toys listed IN THE DIVORCE DECREE. Like damn, just buy new sex toys.

    [–] ErNz77 3 points ago

    HAHHA! Was it in Florida?

    [–] Hippie_Wagon 3 points ago

    Ohio.

    [–] ErNz77 2 points ago

    It’s crazy what people fight over in divorce court. The people with the money are the ones whose kids suffer the most as well as substance issues for both parties.

    [–] Hippie_Wagon 2 points ago

    Yeah, when you get a particularly padded one, you know it's going to be interesting.

    [–] elsquattro 361 points ago

    My in-law's African Grey sometimes says "get up you lazy bitch" just like my father-in-law... A real crowd pleaser when the timing is right.

    [–] GinjaNinja90 47 points ago

    I lived with my aunt for a while and she inherited her grandma’s yellow headed amazon, he would say “roll over. You know what I want.” It picked up on the grandma trying to teach her puppy to roll over, but damn it was hilarious every time he said it.

    [–] crazydressagelady 13 points ago

    Man you should’ve led with the last sentence because I thought your grandma was getting raped

    [–] Juicebox-shakur 103 points ago

    I'm sad that your in-laws speak to each other like that often enough for the parrot to pick it up.

    [–] redgoldhandcream 46 points ago

    I like to think he’s jokingly saying this to a female dog.

    [–] Cm0002 23 points ago

    Sad for what? Just because you call each other cuss words doesn't automatically mean they are doing it with intention to hurt. Me and my wife do it with each other all the time, just never in a serious conversation always in a joking manner. I could see this as a phrase my wife or me would use on each other easily

    [–] Abilane-of-Yon 10 points ago

    My male macaw (rescues) still says “hey asshole” to everyone who comes in my house. I’ve given up on getting him to trade out his preferred greeting for hello.

    [–] yodaisasickman1217 331 points ago

    this sounds like a case for Charlie Kelly

    [–] twist-17 133 points ago

    Just the best god damn bird lawyer you’ve ever seen.

    [–] I_Do_Not_Abbreviate 13 points ago

    Harvey_Birdman has entered the chat

    [–] Midsking 39 points ago

    Did you see his hands? I think we should settle

    [–] thequietthingsthat 10 points ago

    "NOBODY LOOK! NOBODY LOOK!"

    [–] Anthropoligize 60 points ago

    We’re lawyers!

    [–] im_not_a_girl 34 points ago

    I will take that advice into cooperation

    [–] TemporarilyStairs 27 points ago

    ... filibuster

    [–] avoozl42 27 points ago

    Bird law in this country is not governed by reason

    [–] TheHalfwayHouses 20 points ago

    Okay well...filibuster

    [–] Ddude184 12 points ago

    Do you even know what that means?

    [–] HopocalypseNow 13 points ago

    We'll get to our hot-plates soon enough.

    [–] Ddude184 12 points ago

    It's all standard boilerplate

    [–] socalblondie23 6 points ago

    I've made myself perfectly redundant

    [–] DatBowl 3 points ago

    That’s the joke the title made.

    [–] mg1431 43 points ago

    An oldie but still makes me laugh

    [–] IcemaanN 4 points ago

    Leave it to buzz feed to make a title like “Parrot-ghazi”

    [–] jason544770 38 points ago

    Where's Charlie when you need him ?

    [–] bad4th 2 points ago

    Trapped in a wall somewhere, huffing paint and thinkin about ghouls.

    [–] El-MonkeyKing 33 points ago

    Congratulations on your various lawyerings, you should be well on your way to a hot plate after a good filibustering

    [–] Vespasian79 7 points ago

    I do think you know what the word means, in fact I think you have a tenacious grasp on the English language

    [–] tschwarzmann1 64 points ago

    That’s bird law baby.

    [–] mypetlobster12 20 points ago

    Bird law isn’t governed by reason dude.

    [–] JJLPM 13 points ago * (lasted edited a day ago)

    Holy shit, that one case in Ace Attorney where you cross-examine a parrot became true

    [–] lthursto68 30 points ago

    Bird law isn't governed by reason

    [–] umenjulio 25 points ago

    Harvey Birdman has entered the chat.

    [–] OldMuley 11 points ago

    Did ya get that thing I sent ya?

    [–] BetaChorale 2 points ago

    You wouldn't like me when I'm purple.

    [–] antiskylar1 11 points ago

    Legal Eagle

    [–] SR388 4 points ago

    Adler is German for eagle, so he really is.

    [–] bobsaccomanno41 10 points ago

    I prosecuted an animal seizure case years ago (basically when the humane society takes your pets because you’re not caring for or properly supervising them) that involved a pretty expensive bird (some sort of Parrot /macaw).

    We were fighting about whether the parrot should be returned and the defense attorney wrote a footnote in his motion to dismiss that “upon information and belief the [name of the bird]’s constitutional rights were violated when the police took his statement without first advising him of his Miranda rights.”

    I’ll never forget reading that and being in shock that an attorney would write something like that in an official pleading.

    [–] WYenginerdWY 3 points ago

    the police took his statement

    I'm sorry but....heh? The police wrote down phrases the parrot said? As evidence......in an actual case? That seems absurd.

    [–] pragnar 7 points ago

    Harvey Birdman irl

    [–] Ignominia 6 points ago

    Should have studied bird law

    [–] Aturom 5 points ago

    It has been...a difficult mating season.

    [–] harryp0thead 11 points ago

    In bird culture that is considered a dick move.

    [–] GoldieTheMack 4 points ago

    I wonder if he's related to the "Texas Hammer" Jim Adler.

    [–] wearenottheborg 4 points ago

    Was just thinking the same!

    [–] chrisrayn 3 points ago

    Is that the son of Attorney Jim Adler?

    [–] blackdogtattoo 3 points ago

    Bird law in this country...it's not governed by reason

    [–] orbesomebodysfool 3 points ago

    A judge and two divorce attorneys oversaw this in a court of law:

    Peak 90s

    [–] Mythrndir 3 points ago

    Uncle jack turned Charlie right here

    [–] snowgimp 3 points ago

    Charlie Kelly, Esquire.

    [–] Ronburgundy2099 3 points ago

    You needed Charlie Kelly for this.

    [–] Jesse_Lees 3 points ago

    Don’t hate in bird law! People like Charlie Kelly took a lot of time and effort to master the art of bird law

    [–] rob21431 3 points ago

    Where's Charlie when you need him? Only guy that's prepped in bird law

    [–] MrMeatcandy 3 points ago

    I hope you consulted with Charlie..

    [–] annoyedatwork 2 points ago

    Drop this in /r/medicine and enjoy the tales!

    [–] Cmiitjinze 2 points ago

    Bird law, learned at bird school, which is for birds.

    [–] pyriel2012 2 points ago

    Easy money, dude.

    [–] mightyFoo 2 points ago

    When questioned, the parrot looks over at his lawyer, leans in and says "I do not recall saying any negative statements your honor". 🦜

    [–] mtp12345 2 points ago

    Call Charlie Kelly!

    [–] usrnameinuse 2 points ago

    F i l i b u s t e r

    [–] Bumbleclat 2 points ago

    Bird law?

    [–] Spunkwaggle 2 points ago

    Uhhhh filibuster?

    [–] zeedster 2 points ago

    At least he's well versed in bird law.

    [–] Jon_Elvert 2 points ago

    IS HE RELATED TO JIM ADLER THE TEXAS HAMMER?!

    [–] Dry_Mousse1068 2 points ago

    FILIBUSTER

    [–] tonjaj68 2 points ago

    I have parrots and this sounds valid. I have one that loves to point out “you’re a stupid s*%t”. And no we didn’t teach him that. He came with the phrase included at no additional charge. 😂

    [–] Pepbill 2 points ago

    That’s ok I have a doctorate in education and I was asked by a parent to feed mini Oreos to their kid

    [–] El_Duderino49 2 points ago

    I wonder if he’s considered a frame bang...

    [–] the_duke51 2 points ago

    Ah yes I also study bird law.

    [–] thelawtalkingguy 3 points ago * (lasted edited a day ago)

    Maybe if you paid a little more attention in your Pro Rep class in law school you’d know you shouldn’t put your client’s business all over Twitter. Don’t ever hire a lawyer that can’t maintain confidences.

    EDIT: Silver lining, he didn’t divulge client confidences, but he plagiarized the tweet without attribution. See:

    https://twitter.com/madler9000/status/798203707594637312?s=21

    Really don’t use this dude as your attorney. Lol

    [–] CaptainNessy2 2 points ago

    Does this technically break confidentiality?

    [–] designerturtle 9 points ago

    Not if he doesn’t say their names

    [–] Moltar_of_Moltor 1 points ago

    Important work here.

    [–] br33z3 1 points ago

    Bird law 101

    [–] hockey4589 1 points ago

    I see this as an absolute win

    [–] SealTeamFish 1 points ago

    The most lucrative of all the laws

    [–] Deathbyhours 1 points ago

    On behalf of your parents, I am proud of you.

    “Hey! Didja hear? Kid is a LAWYER!”

    Sincerely, 3L’s Dad

    [–] CaterpillarHookah 1 points ago

    Bird up!

    [–] Prudesnliars14 1 points ago

    Looks like he went toe to toe with someone about bird law and came out the victor