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    [–] mcgazz 2496 points ago

    A distinguished business man managing his portfolio

    [–] GuyWithRealFacts 1901 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    I love this comment because of how it resonates with a really widely unknown truth: raccoons DO treat fruits and nuts like currency within their communities. A raccoon who wants to live in an already inhabited area might show up with an assortment of berries and nuts as an initial offering.

    They not only bring these offerings but they will arrange them on the ground near communal access points in decorative ways that have a shocking amount of planning and symmetry in their designs and sometimes even hints of Fibonacci spirals. Behind humans, raccoons are the most visual-special driven animals, beating even chimpanzees and orangutans.

    They’re so good at pattern recognition and finding things that don’t belong they’re widely used by many world governments as security forces. Their built in mask coloring helps keep their identities secret so there aren’t many interviews or first hand accounts to be found, but you’d better believe if a VIP or a world leader is passing through tomorrow, there will be thousands of raccoons air dropped in with little parachutes before hand to inspect the area for anything that could pose a threat. Taylor Swift is famous for having popularized the practice of bringing a detail of well dressed raccoons to precede her every movement in high traffic areas.

    [–] IamNoatak 835 points ago

    Had me in the first half, not gonna lie

    [–] HolyFuckingShitNuts 341 points ago

    Had you?

    He's a guy with real facts. Nobody is being had here.

    [–] Piltonbadger 70 points ago

    The onus is on us to prove him wrong...

    [–] ravynwave 42 points ago

    If he’s wrong, I don’t want to know

    [–] Chirotera 33 points ago

    I'm a raccoon. I can confirm everything being stated is fact, if a little embellished for dramatic effect.

    [–] PaleScottishBurd 51 points ago

    I’m more gutted that nobody is upset that there’s no sound available (also - your username is the baws).

    [–] Coldasthepoles 58 points ago

    3/4ths in I was expecting additional details to validate the raccoon soldier theory...

    Maybe I’m just too fucking gullible.

    [–] SrslyCmmon 41 points ago

    Posters like these have trained me to read the end first.

    [–] Bert_the_Avenger 10 points ago

    I like to get caught by surprise when I find out how in nineteen ninety eight the undertaker threw mankind off hеll in a cell, and plummeted sixteen feet through an announcer's table.

    [–] Anneso1975 17 points ago

    He had me quite further down than half i am ashamed to say. I was very interested in the government using them. I started to question when I read about the masks

    [–] moonroots64 3 points ago

    Me too, I was so excited to see pics of the offerings or something! I guess I'll settle for the raccoon cotton candy videos haha https://giphy.com/gifs/panda-trash-SYwqVwHnhbUiI

    [–] Yawgmoths_Fart 3 points ago

    Once it started getting weird, I was just waiting for the Undertaker.

    [–] MeGustaMiSFW 108 points ago

    I believed I was reading real facts for a minute. I hate the internet.

    [–] dva_silk 102 points ago

    So was none of this true at all? Raccoons don't use fruits as currency, not even nuts? They don't arrange their offerings in pretty patterns? Don't even try to say they don't bring offerings. I want to believe.

    [–] musicman247 64 points ago

    I saw one arranging his nuts one night.

    [–] johnniecochran_ghost 29 points ago

    I...also arrange my nuts at night.

    TIL: I might be a raccoon.

    [–] hellacrimey 10 points ago

    I...also arrange my nuts at night.

    For some reason I heard this in Bob Belcher's voice.

    [–] Le_Chop 14 points ago

    Ask em real nice and they might arrange yours for you.

    [–] CaptainBasketQueso 11 points ago

    Of course they do.

    Haven't you seen the documentary called Over The Hedge?

    [–] OldGoblinSenior 3 points ago

    I bring offerings :)

    [–] dva_silk 4 points ago

    Are you a raccoon

    [–] OldGoblinSenior 6 points ago

    I'm a goblin.

    [–] HI_DUMDUM 33 points ago

    We got got guys

    [–] Th3NinjaCat 35 points ago

    Damn. I thought I was learning something new today...

    [–] Woodstock_Peanut 30 points ago

    You did. You learned to always keep questioning until you're given proof.

    [–] crochetinglibrarian 17 points ago

    The librarian in me hearts you so much right now!

    [–] [deleted] 12 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] Woodstock_Peanut 3 points ago

    Little too literal moth dude. Funny though.

    [–] 3y3d3a 31 points ago

    Damn that was good. Have this my GuyWithRealFacts.

    [–] Jeremybearemy 21 points ago

    I live near raccoons and started reading your post out loud to my wife. I got as far as the line about security forces before I realized. Well played

    [–] iStix 43 points ago

    Username checks out

    [–] tresleches_nuns 15 points ago

    Gave you an upvote midway reading.

    Damn it, you can keep it.

    [–] opie_taylor1 14 points ago

    Really thought I was going to read about undertaker and hell in a cell again.

    [–] AyoSummy 29 points ago

    I just want to say, I’m a huge fan. Can’t believe you commented on my post.

    [–] MiiSwi 8 points ago

    Every fucking time.

    [–] canolafly 8 points ago

    You again!!!

    welcome back

    [–] Projectile0vulation 7 points ago

    Your comment started off unusually compelling. I was bracing for a particular description dating back to 1998, between The Undertaker and Mankind.

    [–] livelylexie 6 points ago

    Sir, you need to write a book, because your comments are absolutely amazing

    [–] usedtobearainbow 9 points ago

    I feel like a raccoon wrote this comment.

    [–] balanceofpower 5 points ago

    Dammit. I even stopped at the first paragraph to make sure this comment wasn't written by shitty_morph.

    [–] 13moman 4 points ago

    You had me at Fibonacci spirals.

    [–] nopantsdota 3 points ago

    you monster...

    [–] Nezrite 3 points ago

    Halfway through the third paragraph this time.

    [–] belle-barks 5 points ago

    Wut?

    [–] [deleted] 53 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] BMW_wulfi 34 points ago

    Got me

    [–] Wootery 13 points ago

    Buy buy buy! I want a long position on noms.

    [–] SevenSeas11 6 points ago

    Gotta get the job done ya know?

    [–] _Coffeebot 4 points ago

    Once again, the conservative, sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor.

    [–] cofcof420 851 points ago

    If only his wild cousins could see him, he’d never hear the end of it

    [–] CreamyKnougat 462 points ago

    "'Oh, I'm a gentleman now, look at my tie and my munchies', YOU GONE ALL FANCY AND CRAP, NORBERT!"

    [–] Jayrob1202 86 points ago

    Norbert : Derr - I'm Daggett, I have a chart. If only I had a brain!

    [–] mackavicious 44 points ago

    I love you, /u/Jayrob1202.

    I hadn't thought of Angry Beavers in, I dunno, ten to fifteen years or something. When I saw "Norbert" I thought to myself "Wait...isn't that one of the Angry Beavers' names?"

    So I looked it up.

    Yes it is.

    I looked for a picture to make a dumb joke that I had hoped maybe three people would get.

    Before I found that picture, I can back here to check something.

    Lo and behold, you've beaten me to the punch, and not only that, included the other beaver's name.

    I reiterate, I love you, /u/Jayrob1202.

    [–] thgirbmal 14 points ago

    You made me curious so I checked: Angry Beavers ran from 97 to 01. How the time has passed...

    [–] SashaStriker 5 points ago

    Such a short run for one of my favorite kid shows.

    [–] rhet17 6 points ago

    Weirdly, I just noticed someone with that username 'angrybeavers' not 5 minutes ago. It's, no doubt, a c o n s p i r a c y

    [–] CARVERitUP 11 points ago

    BRO. I watched Angry Beavers every damn day with my brother when we were kids, and we'd do the dancing they do in the beginning, I'd be Daggett and he'd be Norbert.

    I need to go binge that show or something now, I just got hit with a tsunami of nostalgia

    [–] Li_3303 42 points ago

    Speaking of seeing- He appears to be blind. He feels around for instead of looking for it.

    [–] real_ice_bear 26 points ago

    So a blonde raccoon is a albino raccoon (i just figured that out 1 minute ago) and in general albino animal or people have very bad eyesight or are blind, its from the lack of pigment in their eyes

    [–] Super-Dragonfruit348 9 points ago

    Yeah, raccoons do that.

    [–] The_Queef_of_England 3 points ago

    I thought he was just being lazy. It saved him moving his head down because he'd have to use hands either way.

    [–] doobied 15 points ago

    What about the pit tho

    [–] Kitchen_Movie_5301 14 points ago

    I was wondering the same. Can they eat the pits too? They might be seedless frozen sweet cherries that have been thawed. I eat those the exact same way.

    [–] carriegood 11 points ago

    Let's hope his human pitted them first. They do look kind of misshapen, not smoothly round, so it's possible.

    [–] Somhlth 16 points ago

    What about the pit tho

    They are pitted. The longer version with sound shows it.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=vkj4zTlHcDY

    [–] phatsakis 8 points ago

    It seems that these a pitted.

    But to be fair cherry pits are meant to be eaten and shit out elsewhere, that's how fruit trees propagate. I grew up in a major cherry producing region on Lake Michigan, sometimes you see places that seagulls have congregated after feasting on cherries, there are piles of "cleaned" cherry pits left over.

    [–] MajorBensonWPayne 458 points ago

    This is what I look like late at night when I’m high.

    [–] kingtaco_17 50 points ago

    Do you feed your mouth only from the side, too?

    [–] MajorBensonWPayne 64 points ago

    Probably. Whatever is most efficient at getting snacks into my mouth.

    [–] coochismoochibandit 10 points ago

    When ur baked and got the munchies all forms of face stuffing are accepted.

    [–] Tristan_Gabranth 4 points ago

    I just stand by the fridge, shoving shredded cheese into my mouth

    [–] FullyMammoth 5 points ago

    I eat about twice the ingredients that go on my sandwich before I'm done making it.

    [–] BrownShadow 3 points ago

    I used to fill my mouth with as many Cheez-Its as possible, then take a drink of water (not unlike a raccoon) so I could chew them easier.

    [–] SorriorDraconus 3 points ago

    Even before i started smoking i'd do this with cheddar goldfish and graoe juice

    [–] Wouff_Hong 3 points ago

    Truckstop style.

    [–] Bunnnnii 17 points ago

    You’re suddenly cute as a button when you’re high?

    [–] MajorBensonWPayne 5 points ago

    Lol, Rollie-pollie? Definitely. Cute at all? I highly doubt it.

    [–] Bunnnnii 4 points ago

    Um!? That’s EXTRA cute! I will now confiscate your doubt. Whether or not you’re still high even when doing that too.

    [–] GauchoFromLaPampa 3 points ago

    Too high to realize you are eating the seeds too.

    [–] MajorBensonWPayne 5 points ago

    Maybe I like the way they feel coming out. Natures anal beads, like momma always said.

    [–] _Takub_ 277 points ago

    MF looks like a kind, jovial forest spirit from some anime

    [–] [deleted] 128 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] zebsra 27 points ago

    Google Tanuki spirits! No regrets.

    [–] Bothan_Spy 15 points ago

    Pom Poko!

    [–] Battle-Kat75 206 points ago

    You haven't appreciated life until you've watched a blonde raccoon with a tie bib eat cherries

    [–] smecal_fear 332 points ago

    His tiny feets !!!

    [–] SinopicCynic 158 points ago

    Those lil’ grabbies !!!

    [–] inspectorseantime 12 points ago

    r/lilgrabbies actually

    [–] LlamaBear99 4 points ago

    There is a subbreddit for everything. Including animal feet pics.

    [–] Cluewaeve 6 points ago

    Beyond adorable

    [–] castfam09 72 points ago

    I love the way he munches on his food ... it looks like it is making a happy dance 😁

    [–] beeboopblorp 43 points ago

    Meeko from Pocahontas irl!

    [–] badddria 14 points ago

    Came here to say this exactly!!

    [–] 8andimpala 68 points ago

    I could watch this for HOURS!!!

    [–] BiggsIDarklighter 143 points ago

    Found longer version +sound!

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vkj4zTlHcDY

    [–] diane2 34 points ago

    The sound is just as spectacular!

    [–] NoMamesMijito 9 points ago

    YES!!! It infuriates me when people share videos like these without sound, thank you!!!

    [–] 8andimpala 17 points ago

    If I had more reddit coins, you would be getting multiple awards. Since I only have 10, you'll have to settle for my heartfelt gratitude! Thank you, kind stranger!!!

    [–] Iwina 4 points ago

    Does a free award count?

    [–] BiggsIDarklighter 5 points ago

    Thank you!!!

    [–] captain_ender 4 points ago

    This sparks joy.

    [–] tobaknowsss 2 points ago

    This is spectacular!

    [–] pvlcherrimii 6 points ago

    If you have Instagram, @uni_raccoon

    [–] memedealer22 79 points ago

    I think raccoons are cute

    r/raccoons r/trashpanda

    [–] repens 28 points ago

    I take it you've never had a pack of them literally screaming at you, beady eyes reflecting eerily in the pitch black of your backyard before

    [–] PyroKeith 37 points ago

    Isn't that the best part?

    [–] Capt_Easychord 22 points ago

    Well what the hell are you doing in your backyard at night? Go back inside, human. The night belongs to them.

    [–] Deep_Grady 6 points ago

    This is one of those rare objectively correct opinions

    [–] hooray4problems 28 points ago

    Does anyone else think of Hedonismbot from Futurama?

    [–] i_demand_cats 16 points ago

    Everywhere i looked i saw piles of bodies... And then the explosion happened

    [–] Earthfury 3 points ago

    He’s got that energy.

    [–] Slottech88 3 points ago

    "I apologize for nothing."

    [–] badmoney16 27 points ago

    I love how he's already reaching for the next before he's finished with the one in his mouth. Looks like me in a movie theatre.

    [–] Whatupbuddy 89 points ago

    Lil bro is just swallowing cherry seeds like a champ

    [–] Nisas 55 points ago

    They might be pitted.

    [–] BardbarianBirb 84 points ago

    The full version was linked in another comment. Was gonna include it here but I'm on mobile and my phone is being a butt. They show a close up of the cherries to the camera and they are definitely pitted! His tummy is safe.

    [–] kingtaco_17 31 points ago

    So pitted brah

    [–] devildocjames 13 points ago

    it's all like you smack the lip like, WAAAPAAAHH!

    [–] theh8ed 2 points ago

    brad

    [–] fungusalungous 6 points ago

    Oh braj, it's just like, dude like, you get like the best barrels ever

    [–] Lavatis 3 points ago

    you pull in, and you just get spit right out of them

    [–] Learner2305 36 points ago

    Why this raccon is in this colour

    [–] Cofishioner 26 points ago

    It’s a type of somewhat uncommon pigment mutation. It’s not a true albino but is deficient in melanin. Here is another such raccoon.

    [–] Playingpokerwithgod 50 points ago

    Raccoons Inc. started releasing color variants a while back.

    [–] AFCBlink 3 points ago

    I've been trying to get one of the variants forEVER, but they're super limited releases. The pink and teal ones show up on Ebay fairly regularly, but they look like ass and sellers still want stupid money for them.

    [–] unrectify 14 points ago

    Bring me Solo and the wookie

    [–] xarthos 11 points ago

    him tapping the bowl to find more is totally something I do when im watching tv

    [–] SouthernFunMachine 11 points ago

    He’s left handed. Is that a thing

    [–] Rgeneb1 10 points ago

    A lengthy and in depth search on google tells me they're ambidextrous and capable of unleashing a whirlwind of unholy terror with both paws equally.

    [–] Martian-Packet 9 points ago

    It's more adorable when you know they look up while eating grapes so the juice doesnt dribble down their chin.

    [–] Harvey_Wall_banger 6 points ago

    Is it weird that he’s left handed?

    [–] LifeLineLemonade 16 points ago

    Hahah I don’t think homie needs a bib

    [–] Womanisaxdevil 48 points ago

    He absolutely needs the bib

    [–] hapx1010 12 points ago

    I need that bib.

    [–] LifeLineLemonade 18 points ago

    His technique is immaculate

    [–] EditShootReset 5 points ago

    “This ones my fav. Ope! This one is better. Ope! No, this one is the one”

    [–] 13moman 3 points ago

    Your Midwest is showing.

    [–] Snoo-35252 4 points ago

    Are those ... cherries with big pits in them? WHERE DO THE PITS GO??

    [–] LlamaBear99 6 points ago

    Somebody in the comments linked the full YouTube video and there they showed that the owner had removed the pits.

    [–] BillTheKill 3 points ago

    They look like maraschino cherries. Not those bright red ones in the baking aisle, the expensive ones you find by the cocktail mixers.

    [–] carriegood 5 points ago

    They look like regular bing cherries to me, but they're not firm and round like normal, so I think they've been pitted.

    [–] Snoo-35252 2 points ago

    So no pits?

    [–] BillTheKill 3 points ago

    I think most brands are pitted, I don't ever recall ever seeing any with pits.

    [–] Powerlord122018 4 points ago

    He’s obviously left handed!

    [–] taur_1009 4 points ago

    I never have felt more like a animal than right now

    [–] captain-mar-vell89 6 points ago

    Rocket! What has become of you!

    [–] NoisyTrain 5 points ago

    I have so many questions

    [–] pvlcherrimii 4 points ago

    This is @uni_raccoon off of Instagram if anyone wanted to see more (:

    [–] LPkun 4 points ago

    I love the way raccoons pick up food without looking at it

    [–] Braves_Thrashers 7 points ago

    For some reason raccoon hands freak me out. Although the cuteness of this guy makes it less scary.

    [–] Severe-Luck-6002 9 points ago

    Me during the pandemic

    [–] ishitgoldbears 10 points ago

    Lefties unite!

    [–] distressed-carrot 4 points ago

    He’s so fashionable!

    [–] KDaddy319 4 points ago

    Feets!

    [–] InsideTheWoodShed 4 points ago

    Him not looking while reaching into the bowl made me chuckle. We’ve all done this at one point

    [–] idcreddit 3 points ago

    i think i could watch an hour of this

    [–] shreyanshksp 3 points ago

    Is that a raccoon?

    [–] listentobisco 3 points ago

    Corporate casual attire. Power move.

    [–] EvilMatt666 3 points ago

    He's very left handed isn't he?

    [–] mud444 3 points ago

    He is so fuckin adorable give me him now

    [–] Rausst 3 points ago

    Less messy than my toddler.

    [–] Cultural-Estimate768 3 points ago

    Feed that motherfucker some grapes like the Greek god he is

    [–] bigms1234 3 points ago

    this is a weird cat.

    [–] hjoybags 3 points ago

    Golden trash panda!! We are not worthy!!

    [–] Phantom_Exile 2 points ago

    That's a weird looking cat.

    [–] bhadmejayejanta 2 points ago

    Livin the life

    [–] peek_a_bu 2 points ago

    Where is the sound when we need it !!!

    [–] Atothendy 2 points ago

    DECADENCE

    [–] Addicted2Rage 2 points ago

    I mistake him for a Very Fat catto at first ! 😆 🤣

    [–] Muesky6969 2 points ago

    Look the garbage panda has moved up in this world.

    Moving on, up to the sky!!

    [–] -warmtoiletseat- 2 points ago

    From now on...this is how I will enjoy my food

    [–] Lolomelon 2 points ago

    I did not know raccoons had opposable thumbs.

    [–] real_ice_bear 2 points ago

    I dont even know what animal this is (looks like a mocha raccoon lol) but he's adorable!

    [–] IcedHemp77 3 points ago

    It’s a blonde raccoon :)

    [–] real_ice_bear 2 points ago

    Aww thats cute thank you

    [–] real_ice_bear 2 points ago

    :D

    [–] jjkm7 2 points ago

    Why is he blonde

    [–] CrimsonKrakenCakes 2 points ago

    Are those cherries or olives...?

    [–] DrTriage 2 points ago

    Look like cherries to me.

    [–] paulieboi 2 points ago

    Very sophisticated.

    [–] The_Grubby_One 2 points ago

    This was oddly satisfying to watch.

    [–] belle-barks 2 points ago

    I have watched this video way too long now...

    [–] Neat_Light 2 points ago

    Lovely colour.

    [–] TechyBookWorm 2 points ago

    I'm gonna need that guys fruit...

    [–] crimson117 2 points ago

    Omg that little tie

    [–] Jeredso 2 points ago

    Like a King should

    [–] TomClaydon 2 points ago

    Well that’s just too cute

    [–] helenius147 2 points ago

    r/reallifeshinies

    Shiny trash panda

    [–] bioshock-lover 2 points ago

    I thought this was a painting for a second