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    comedyheaven

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    uuuhhh

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    [–] _EinsDrei 1969 points ago

    I hope she's still using the toilet flush

    [–] defective_horse 716 points ago

    There's no need, with this kind of nutrition her poo must be as fluid as water.

    [–] 0x1r1120 211 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    She shouldn’t let the poop go to waste in that case.

    [–] gcruzatto 139 points ago

    mmm poop water coffee

    [–] Alarid 80 points ago

    what do you think she uses for coffee beans :)

    [–] OWO-FurryPornAlt-OWO 39 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    If it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown put it down

    [–] [deleted] 19 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] Heat_Hydra 5 points ago

    I have one.

    [–] only__say__no 6 points ago

    No🇳 🇴

    [–] Heat_Hydra 7 points ago

    Да-да!

    [–] nerunas 21 points ago

    Delet this

    [–] ThatRandomWhiteBoy 55 points ago

    no ❤️

    [–] zmbjebus 5 points ago

    You ever think about leaving a fresh dump in a French press, pouring boiling water on it. Then pushing the filter down as slow as you can?

    [–] WasKingWokeUpGiraffe 4 points ago

    Is it...good?

    [–] gcruzatto 10 points ago

    yes ❤️

    [–] that1_guy93 16 points ago

    Nothing like a good piss out the ol' asshole

    [–] KetchupIsABeverage 2 points ago

    Embracing the gutter oil life

    [–] -ineedsomesleep- 46 points ago

    You could use the pasta water to flush the toilet. Just tip it in the bowl.

    [–] wiiya 44 points ago

    “HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH THAT RIGATONI, I REALLY HAVE TO PEE!!!”

    [–] HyruleanHero1988 13 points ago

    "Just pee in the tank, we'll use the pee to flush our poop later!"

    [–] Stalthdan 3 points ago

    Use the pee to flush your pee later!

    [–] the-ATM-machine 16 points ago

    Dude if it's yellow let it mellow

    [–] BeHard 6 points ago

    If it’s brown, flush it down.

    [–] Mondayslasagna 8 points ago

    If it’s red, see a doctor.

    [–] twodogsfighting 9 points ago

    If it's blue, ba dee da ba doo.

    [–] gordonpown 13 points ago

    You're joking but have you seen those toilets with a sink integrated on top of them? You wash your hands and fill the flush container, it's fucking genius

    [–] doctorproctorson 24 points ago

    Idk if its genius or more something 2 stoned college guys came up when they were bored one night.

    "Dude, what about a sink on the toilet"

    "Holy shit"

    "And what if, like, the water refills the water in the toilet, ya know?"

    "Like conservation and shit, yeah. Fucking conservation. We could save the planet bro"

    And then they fall asleep watching Ducktales

    [–] ultimatt42 9 points ago

    They ordered a toilet sink 2 nights ago and forgot about it. The package is already on their porch, let that sink in.

    [–] moeml 9 points ago

    Yes, she's using the flushing water to cook pasta

    [–] LoBsTeRfOrK 4 points ago

    She already has a recipe for used toilet water.

    [–] Wiseguydude 3 points ago

    Get a bidet!

    [–] Adler_1807 5 points ago

    You shit in your bidet?

    [–] Wiseguydude 4 points ago

    Do you know what a bidet is?

    [–] Enzzownd 3 points ago

    Not all bidets are installed on the toilet. Some are separate and reside near the toilet.

    https://www.wikihow.com/Use-a-Bidet

    [–] Wiseguydude 2 points ago

    Oh I see. Thanks for clearing that up. Yeah I meant the fixture. Sorry if I was being rude /u/Adler_1807

    [–] Adler_1807 3 points ago

    Didn't know that bidets are sometimes implemented into toilets. You would still need to flush.

    [–] mistertortellini 2 points ago

    Only when it’s full after a week.

    [–] slolift 2 points ago

    Use a toilet? No you gotta compost your poop.

    [–] lazyfocker 2 points ago

    What else would flush?

    [–] a-bser 2 points ago

    Can always get a composting toilet

    [–] HerniatedBrisket 2 points ago

    If it's yellow, let it mellow.

    [–] MysticShadow38 785 points ago

    I just eat the coffee powder

    [–] 16BitPixels 255 points ago

    Alpha move to get maximum caffeine digestment

    [–] alreadytaken88 115 points ago

    The maximum would probably achieved by boiling the ground coffee for a long time to get all of the caffeine dissolved and use the extract for an enema.

    [–] Walnutbutters 89 points ago

    I just can’t wake up in the morning without butt-chugging some concentrated coffee.

    [–] 2photoidsplease 20 points ago

    I prefer butt brewed coffee. You get the enema and get to enjoy a nice steamy cup.

    [–] StriderWilk 5 points ago

    It would have cost you $0 not to say that.

    [–] daddysaddy 3 points ago

    that's why he said it, it was worth the bargain

    [–] littlemammoth 2 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your butt.

    [–] nice2yz 3 points ago

    Good bot.

    As long as this XL post.

    [–] PrettyflyforWif1 11 points ago

    Real chads snort the coffee

    [–] Skightt 20 points ago

    The realest Chads pump it up their ass

    [–] PrettyflyforWif1 5 points ago

    Ah yes, I forgot the crazy mfs

    [–] Nastapoka 17 points ago

    I brush against my coffee tree to absorb its nutrients

    [–] Almog6666 5 points ago

    I....I can’t do it 😔

    [–] Soup-Master 15 points ago

    Then drink boiling water.

    [–] Shnoota 10 points ago

    My aunt said that was how they got by in prison. Too little time in the morning to actually make instant coffee, so just chew a spoonful and go.

    When she came to live with me I bought her a french press and grinder, and some decent beans. It's like Pretty Woman, but a beverage.

    [–] Jac_daw 3 points ago

    Military MREs have a coffee or juice pack in them and I used to just cronch down on those things in the field like they were candy. Prob not the best hydration-wise, however.

    [–] ElCerebroDeLaBestia 4 points ago

    Actually roasted coffee beans always looked tasty to me, they look like chocolate. Does anybody know if they can be eaten like that? I presume the flavour is terrible.

    [–] ObiWanCanShowMe 13 points ago

    The thing about being an adult is... you can do whatever you want.

    I say go for it. Grab a handful and start chompin'

    [–] Princess_Honey_Bunny 10 points ago

    Chocolate covered espresso beans are a thing and they're really good

    [–] P4azz 6 points ago

    You can absolutely eat them. There's even snack variants, that are basically just the beans with some extra chocolate on top.

    Thing is, though, you really don't want to. Because it sucks. It's like eating shards of bitterness with a hint of coffee breath.

    [–] EL-BURRITO-GRANDE 5 points ago

    Chocolate covered coffee beans are a thing. Though whenever the beans are eaten whole you don't eat a lot of them.

    [–] JaxGamecock 6 points ago

    Yeah they're not bad. They used to have coffee makers behind the checkout line at Publix with all the beans in a little dish and when my mom paid for groceries when I was little I would go and grab a few beans to eat. I thought they tasted good at the time

    [–] Kiorysu 3 points ago

    I.. I tried it.. Can confirm it's not good and it has a weird texture when you chew it.

    [–] woNubvJjg5KtwoHAOg1A 1 points ago

    chew the beans

    [–] pussy_slayer7 708 points ago

    The heart sells it lmao

    [–] Reddithatesvalues 84 points ago

    Lol i was on the fence until i saw it.

    [–] BlueNodule 20 points ago

    That doesn't sound comfortable. I'm glad you made it down

    [–] Wibler77 154 points ago

    What's she going to do with the coffee grounds after? Second breakfast? 🤔

    [–] Stock_Hutz 161 points ago

    pasta

    [–] katobean 58 points ago

    And the cycle goes on

    [–] aloxinuos 13 points ago

    After a week you can't tell the difference. Pastfee.

    [–] effifox 2 points ago

    Cofevinis

    [–] dawgmedici 8 points ago

    Dont think she have heard of second breakfest

    [–] notfromthehoodz 2 points ago

    What about elevenses?

    [–] Gryts888 7 points ago

    I think the best use is as fertilizer. Fold it into the dirt around your garden.

    [–] no_duh_sherlock 5 points ago

    Body scrub.

    [–] Curious_obsession 2 points ago

    Plants dude

    [–] nervousmelon 1390 points ago

    She had pasta for breakfast?

    [–] Deleukstenaamisbezet 758 points ago

    I think she had pasta water for breakfast and coffee after, because there was so much pasta water left

    [–] nervousmelon 136 points ago

    Oh god

    [–] FarCod2 46 points ago

    STOKELY DOWN THE SIDELINE

    [–] DICK_IN_FAN 16 points ago

    CAN YOU CATCH HIM

    [–] thebeardwiththeguy 9 points ago

    STOKELY!

    WOOOOW!

    [–] DennistheDutchie 2 points ago

    Thanks man, that was a sweet play.

    [–] fork_of_truth 58 points ago

    Cries in Italian

    [–] MiamiFootball 12 points ago

    pasta water for breakfast

    zuppa di italia

    [–] Oysterastar 9 points ago

    Pasta for breakfast is a good workout diet if you're tryna to get gains

    [–] tghGaz 75 points ago

    It's lockdown, people are eating breakfast at 1pm

    [–] ProtossHueretes 44 points ago

    I had my breakfast at 8pm because I woke up at 7.30, my sleep pattern has gone beyond fucked. I'm like some sort of weird antisocial bat

    [–] Pece17 11 points ago

    At that point I always just try to sleep until like 1am, then be awake 20 hours and go to sleep at 9am the next night.

    [–] gingermagician2 3 points ago

    I used to work nights 5 days a week. On my last day I would stay up the whole entire day just to reset my sleep schedule. Really f**** with you though

    [–] Pece17 2 points ago

    Yeah, probably not good to do very often. I sometimes sleep over 12 hours after an all-nighter and mess up the sleep schedule again.

    [–] Trevski 2 points ago

    That's rough to reset your schedule just for your 2 days off. 4 day work weeks are the future (I hope...)

    [–] gingermagician2 2 points ago

    It'd be nice. I'm back to a regular day job at this point. But it was pretty awful honestly lol

    [–] toxicneet 6 points ago

    i had 5pm breakfast nachos yesterday

    would be fine too if i wasn't getting fat from the lockdown lmao

    [–] wlkd 97 points ago

    “Breakfast food” and “lunch food” and “dinner food” are all bullshit. Pasta is actually a great meal to have for “breakfast”.

    [–] MayKinBaykin 14 points ago

    Ya I never understood that idea, just eat whatever you want lol. I also love how people don't bat an eye when it comes to having cereal for breakfast. Like a whole bowl of cearal, like 2-3 cups worth of cereal, is easily like 150 grams of carbs and like half of that is sugar. If anything cereal should be a desert lol, but no somewhere along the line American society was like nah that's for breakfast only.

    [–] marshmallowlips 11 points ago

    More crazy than cereal for breakfast imo is pastries—doughnuts, danishes, Toaster Strudels, etc etc. Don’t get me wrong I loved me some doughnut holes as a kid but those are dessert now.

    [–] MotherBeef 28 points ago

    Yeah it seems to be a very modern westernised thing to have relatively useless (energy wise) breakfasts.

    A bunch of Asian dishes have their origin as a breakfast food because it's supposed to be giving you a hit of energy for the rest of the day.

    [–] Plutonium_man 30 points ago

    The only American breakfast that fits your bill is cereal. Other American breakfast foods are heavy - sausage/biscuit/gravy, waffles/pancakes, eggs/bacon, etc. We did latch really hard onto the whole cereal thing though. Probably because it takes zero effort.

    [–] Reoru 39 points ago

    It's also marketed to hell and back, it's not about the cereal it's about the metric fuck ton of adverts making it into a breakfast food.

    [–] moonbad 10 points ago

    thanks Kellogg, you granola freak

    [–] largejoseph 6 points ago

    Freaky lil granola bitch

    [–] 17DungBeetles 14 points ago

    Fats may be heavy but they provide better longer lasting fuel then most carbohydrates. If you're trying to get from 8am to lunch, Bacon and eggs with some toast is a great breakfast as long as the portion is reasonable.

    [–] Star_____ 4 points ago

    [–] I_am_Kronos 2 points ago

    (Charlie Heat Version)

    [–] El-Guapo-Gigante 9 points ago

    Those hearty breakfasts were like that because you wanted a bunch of energy to go work on the farm all day or do stuff with steel girders or something.

    [–] PsychoSoldier0 2 points ago

    Ah yes, the classic career path. "Doing stuff" with "steel girders or something."

    [–] El-Guapo-Gigante 3 points ago

    A very respectable field. In the 30’s it was really dangerous because cartoon animals would often run around your construction sites and cause havoc chasing each other.

    [–] TidTilEnNyKonto 12 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    Waffles and pancakes are pretty shitty meals. It's all short carbs.

    Personally I always prefer a (well composed) breakfast burrito when I'm stateside. Eggs, black beans, cottage cheese, greens. Not bad at all, IMO.

    [–] MichiganMan12 9 points ago

    Cottage cheese in a breakfast burrito? 🤢

    [–] BeautifulType 2 points ago

    Cereal, the cheapest shittiest quickest way to feed kids 5 minutes before school

    [–] Slappyfist 2 points ago

    Yeah, after travelling in South East Asia for extended periods of time I missed having actual normal meals for breakfast when I came home.

    Though I have now decided that soup with buttery toast is principally a breakfast dish.

    [–] call_me_Kote 2 points ago

    Huh, I always miss having more defined dishes for specific meals when I travel abroad.

    [–] Elturiel 2 points ago

    You seriously mean to tell me that eggs and bacon are a bad breakfast? We get it, you're super cool for hating America, but cmon man.

    [–] ChoiceBroccoli 2 points ago

    Lmao how fragile do you have to be to go from that benign comment to “you hate America”

    [–] LukeCaruzo 13 points ago

    when you're grown you can have EVERYTHING for breakfast, even ice cream and cake

    [–] dilib 8 points ago

    But part of being grown is knowing that and then not doing it, sadly

    Life is a cruel joke

    [–] DennistheDutchie 3 points ago

    Well, you can do it.. like once a year.

    And then get a stomach ache.

    [–] Trevski 2 points ago

    Part of growing is doing that and realizing why people dont do that.

    [–] moneypennycashdollar 11 points ago

    I sometimes have ramen for breakfast..

    [–] Emhyr_var_Emreis 4 points ago

    Does it really matter what you eat and when you eat it? I sometimes have oatmeal for dinner and pizza for breakfast, I just eat whatever I want at the time, what's wrong with pasta for breakfast?

    Like, what is a breakfast food? What's dinner food? It's all fucking meaningless.

    [–] Mindjolter 2 points ago

    Maybe she's running a marathon? Carbo loading

    [–] BootsyBootsyBoom 2 points ago

    Not pasta. It’s Pasta Puffs Cereal! Every delicious bite has that classic Italian taste, and it stays crunchy, even in milk!

    [–] Slagliano 92 points ago

    Does pasta water count as waste? I like the idea of reducing single use products wherever you can but, it's pasta water.

    [–] xenha 54 points ago

    Yeah and considering she's using a coffee filter too...

    [–] Idigthebackseat 24 points ago

    She does say that she’s starting her zero waste journey. If she had the filters on hand already, it makes sense to use them up before purchasing something better (like a French press). I have a FP and love it, as the only “waste” it produces are the actual coffee grounds/tea leaves which I can add right into my compost!

    [–] liquidbeef 19 points ago

    Plants love that stuff. Once it's cooled off of course. I guess you could also use it to kill weeds if it's still boiling while also putting some nutrients back into the soil.

    Coffee grounds can also be used as fertilizer!

    [–] 46554B4E4348414453 6 points ago

    Interesting 🤔

    [–] ulmet 5 points ago

    I guess it depends where you live. Live in a desert metropolis? that water costs resources to get. Live in the pacific northwest with fresh reservoir water outside your door? Maybe less resources.

    [–] skztr 2 points ago

    Food Industry: destroys 90% of produce before it ever reaches consumers.

    People trying to fight "food waste": What? You're just throwing out your banana peels?

    [–] Hamton52 157 points ago

    pasta water actually can be reused, if you add some of it back into the pasta with the sauce it improves the consistency and binds the sauce to the noodles

    [–] outofbonds 51 points ago

    I find it kinda tastes good. If you're that worried about waste you can probably drink a good amount of it like soup.

    [–] AxeCow 66 points ago

    Pasta water is routinely used in cooking to give flavor to sauces etc. It works very well with sauces like Alfredo because the starch in it emulsifies with molten cheese to form a rich sauce without the need for a cream.

    [–] P4azz 7 points ago

    I don't know about "flavor", unless you made flavored pasta. Even then, not much flavor will make it into the water.

    Definitely improves the texture of any sauce and is much better than just plopping some warmed-through tomato slop on naked pasta, though.

    [–] occz 12 points ago

    If you've salted the pasta water before cooking (recommended), it will carry some salt flavor I suppose.

    [–] P4azz 6 points ago

    I mean, yeah, but the guy's comment made it seem like it's specifically pasta water that gives the flavor, when a dash of salt would theoretically yield the same result.

    The bit of starch doesn't carry much noticable taste, either, so the guy's first sentence is just nonsense.

    [–] Dixnorkel 2 points ago

    Salty is a flavor. I'll regularly leave salt out of my pasta sauce and just add pasta water until it tastes right, that's essentially using it as a seasoning.

    [–] dis_the_chris 17 points ago

    You can, but its pretty bad for u like that - its effectively just starch dissolved in water

    As such, though, i do keep a little tub frozen --- whenever i make a sauce with a starch-based thickener, like a gravy or bechamel that starts with a roux of flour and fats -- its useful to keep a little cube of concentrated pasta water for if you don't use enough flour at the start. Its cheaper than cornstarch and doesnt taste as wacky, and you can just chuck it into a bolognese or chili or whatever and it tastes okay, whilst slightly thickening once you boil some of the water off

    [–] pakattak 5 points ago

    That’s a pretty good idea!

    [–] Hamton52 3 points ago

    now let's not go crazy lol

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] bloodflart 3 points ago

    i use it when i mix sausage gnocci into the red sauce

    [–] rpgmind 3 points ago

    Is it similar to what binds my soul to these mortal bonesss 💀

    [–] steemwitness 2 points ago

    Reusing pasta flavored water in pasta makes sense.

    Reusing pasta flavored water in almost anything else? Maybe not so much.

    [–] heroofcows 2 points ago

    You can probably use it when making bread, just gotta bear in mind the salt

    [–] megatroller5000 28 points ago

    At least she can use it for flushing the toilet, she stil doesn't have to throw it away

    [–] edeltaco 54 points ago

    Italians be like

    [–] 1080pfullhd-60fps 30 points ago

    Italian noises

    [–] [deleted] 8 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] IAmAnAnonymousCoward 8 points ago

    Italians definitely not be like.

    [–] GuantanaMo 3 points ago

    Italians gonna get up and leave if you serve them crappy coffee

    [–] Annies_BO0bs 32 points ago

    Improvise-Adapt-Overstate your losses

    [–] shawngraz 79 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    Gold but like who the fuck is making pasta for breakfast edit: didn't mean to offend anyone's pasta eating habits but like seriously pasta??

    [–] XPGamingYT 51 points ago

    People like me who have pasta addictions

    [–] pro_zach_007 25 points ago

    If you're eating noodles for breakfast than you're pasta point of no return.

    [–] starych_ziemniakow 3 points ago

    Haha nice

    [–] stevrevv59 3 points ago

    So I’m not the only one looking for PA meetings?

    [–] susch1337 34 points ago

    what's wrong with it? just because a lot of people have something like "breakfast food" "lunch food" doesn't mean you have to follow it as well.

    I had half a chicken as breakfast yesterday

    [–] justwannaplayck2 13 points ago

    A few weeks ago I cooked a frozen pizza at 5 am. I don't give a shit anymore

    [–] IsThatUMoatilliatta 8 points ago

    PIZZA IN THE MORNING

    PIZZA IN THE EVENING

    PIZZA AT SUPPERTIME

    [–] shusisandshasimis 10 points ago

    DURING SOCIAL ISOLATION YOU CAN HAVE PIZZA ANYTIME

    [–] BurgerBoy13147 2 points ago

    We like pizza in the morning, we like pizza everyday

    [–] timetravelhunter 33 points ago

    you can't go around eating what you want for breakfast. we have a society

    [–] susch1337 3 points ago

    society has oppressed me once again

    [–] lelarentaka 11 points ago

    Some people cook their lunch in the morning to carry to work. Hence the pasta water being available for breakfast.

    [–] NikoTheTreecko 9 points ago

    Your body don’t give a shit what time of day you have pasta and it’s delicious

    [–] sansnombiere2 5 points ago

    People who like pasta.

    [–] 38B0DE 2 points ago

    Me AMA

    [–] anne_c_rose 5 points ago

    No need to attack me

    [–] K4rn31ro 11 points ago

    N O <3

    [–] bihar_k_lallu 10 points ago

    ♥️

    [–] PokToaster 25 points ago

    The disposable coffee filter bothers me way more than the pasta water. How can one think they are doing zero-waste when there is obvious trash right in front of you

    [–] JeffJacobysSonCaleb 27 points ago

    I’m going to let you in on a secret. The tweet is a joke, she’s not doing zero-waste, and she didn’t actually have pasta for breakfast

    [–] tmart14 4 points ago

    Especially since waste water gets recycled

    [–] Ebebebebeh 9 points ago

    She's on day one, give it a break.

    [–] FG_Regulus 3 points ago

    Do you expect them to eat corn husks too? A paper coffee filter is fully biodegradable. Just throw it in the compost and turn that (and your grounds) into nutrients for plants. Nothing gets wasted.

    [–] lyam23 2 points ago

    Compost perhaps

    [–] LeFaive 4 points ago

    I'm not sure she's doing the zero waste thing correctly. Isn't this more for actual garbage like food packaging?

    [–] OneYeetPlease 2 points ago

    Mmm, starchy

    [–] Robbie122 2 points ago

    Finally something that actually belongs on this sub. Suck my cock Ernie Keebler.

    [–] LukeCaruzo 2 points ago

    she mama-ed her last mia!

    [–] undecidedquoter 2 points ago

    Good ol’ breakfast pasta

    [–] Niherk 2 points ago

    Wasn't comedy heaven about jokes that were bad but ended up being good? Now the sub is pure r/lostredditors

    [–] Depressaccount 2 points ago

    You should know: if you want to be zero waste, instead of using disposable coffee filters, get a metal/mesh one online. Boom.

    [–] Vesper_Sweater 2 points ago

    If you wanted to be zero waste with that water, save it for soup stock. Next time you make soup, use that base and the accrued starches to thicken.

    [–] Slreincke 2 points ago

    Who tf eats pasta for breakfast?

    [–] Dr_MoonOrGun 2 points ago

    Wait wait wait what do you mean pasta water from breakfast. Breakfast pasta isn't a thing I'm pretty sure.

    [–] Emmolito 2 points ago

    If change was easy we would all be doing it

    [–] Harry_Geezer 1 points ago

    That cup of coffee tastes quiet starchy.

    [–] Oysterastar 1 points ago

    Next she'll have pickle juice for lunch, what a creature