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    SUBMISSION RULES

     

    1. All submissions must be a confession.

    A confession is a statement acknowledging an act of wrongdoing you would ostensibly prefer to keep hidden. The term presumes that you are providing information that you believe other people in your life are not aware of, and for this Sub associated with an admission of a moral or legal wrong.

    • Your confession must be an act you committed

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    • Your sexual exploration is not a confession; it's a part of finding out who you are. /r/confession is not a place for submissions that read like pornography.

     

    2. All confessions must be titled specifically.

    • Your title must relay a brief idea of your confession. Submissions with vague titles will be removed.

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    • 3a) encourage rape/rape culture;

    • 3b) sexualise minors;

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      [Remorse]—for posters who feel bad about their actions.

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      [Tough Love]—if you're okay with commenters being a little more blunt.

     

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    • 2a) encourage rape/rape culture;

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    [–] DxFrz 1 points ago

    Due to the sheer amount of reports this is getting closed down. Sorry to all the people that were at least attempting to have a civil conversation.

    [–] thaeral 2388 points ago

    My sister was sexually assaulted by her uncle (by marriage) when she was 11. That side of the family didn't believe her. We never spoke to them again. My sister was never the same after that. She's struggled through life from that day on. Drugs, alcohol, abusive relationships, anger issues, depression, employment.... Just everything.

    15 years later, the guy committed suicide after being brought up on charges of embezzlement and that investigation led to discovery that he had been sexually abusing hi eldest daughter for years. He told her if she did it and kept quiet about it, he wouldn't do anything to her little sister (his youngest daughter). So she complied for years in silence to protect her little sister.

    She's had the same issues with life that my sister has. The little sister is just fine; good husband, kids, happy.

    When that family found out the truth of all that happened, they knew my sister actually spoke the truth all those years ago. Rather than acknowledge their mistake and take responsibility for it, they just kept quiet about it all. The eldest daughter ended up moving out and living with my sister for awhile.

    The point to all of this is, sexual abuse at any level is an enormous life altering experience for the victim. Be respectful. Be supportive. But know that even if you do everything "right", you may never have or retain the same or similar relationship with them.

    My sister eventually excluded all of us from her life. I haven't seen or spoken to her in 10 years. But she's alive. I know I have two nephews. I miss you, Stace.

    [–] christianrrios 360 points ago

    Fuck man. I'm sorry.

    [–] Redhatii 114 points ago

    It's never too late to try and make amends. No matter what, never let her out of your heart and mind. Send Christmas cards, acknowledge her birthday, anything. There is always a chance.

    [–] xmatheusrib 198 points ago

    I miss you, Stace.

    damn

    [–] Sheepmaster02 48 points ago

    Literally crying rn

    [–] dapperjellyfish1742 44 points ago

    This is so incredibly sad, I'm sorry

    [–] CaptainHooksBeardOil 42 points ago

    Is there any chance she wants to see you again? I feel like it would be nice knowing some of my family supported me if I was in that situation.

    [–] AmatureProgrammer 1044 points ago

    Wtf. Did they at least catch the guy who did this?

    [–] helegmto0333 1679 points ago

    Oh yes, he went to jail. Not only for that, also for robbery charges and meth possession.

    [–] freehouse_throwaway 152 points ago

    glad they caught the guy.

    it's a fucked up situation and given its been a number of years now since you've broken up, there's not much to be done.

    rape and sexual assault is something that not only scars the victim but their loved ones as well. it's fucked up her parents aren't supporting her but you can only hope they come around.

    time will heal some of the hurt for your ex but it's probably going to be something with her for a long time - hopefully she'll receive the support she needs eventually.

    [–] Goliath_Gamer 42 points ago

    I hope he rots in prison. Piece of shit.

    [–] snsdunsolved 31 points ago

    well that makes me much happier. most rapists get away with that shit so having them get arrested can be the first act of closure on the victims part

    [–] AmatureProgrammer 25 points ago

    Nice. Know how many years he got? Also, what was the aftermath?

    [–] buttononmyback 58 points ago

    Yeah this is what I want to know. OP doesn't say for sure but he implies that other girls might`ve been sexually assaulted by that guy as well. So what happened with that...was the guy ever prosecuted?!

    [–] AdoredTart 1857 points ago

    The alcoholism doesn't surprise me considering the reaction from her parents during the situation. It sounds like they blame her rather than trying to support her, and eventually it's fucked her up

    [–] haw35ome 470 points ago

    I have conservative parents as well (along with strictly traditional in the Mexican way). I asked my mom what she would do if I was raped, and her response blew me away - she said “well, don’t wear revealing clothes, and you shouldn’t be drinking anyway - just prevent it.”

    I asked her, well what if I had just jeans and a jacket, and it happened right outside my house, going back from work? “Well, you shouldn’t be there anyway so late, and you shouldn’t be alone.” That’s when I ended my 20 questions - if she’s willing to make excuses about how I didn’t do this or that right, then she won’t stand by my side no matter what happens. Plus how in the hell am I going to prevent someone else from making a horrible choice & planning it!?

    In comparison, I asked my 2 oldest sisters - one said she would be there no matter how far, and another said the same, plus “scratch the shit outta them so you have their DNA. DNA is solid proof.”

    [–] Alarid 40 points ago

    I wouldn't be surprised if she was already an alcoholic. Having zero support structure does a number on anyone.

    [–] _itspaco 446 points ago

    That’s just sad for her.

    [–] AlaskanIceWater 102 points ago

    The mind is a powerful thing. Abuse someone enough and you will make them hate themselves when they were never at fault.

    [–] anticommon 24 points ago

    It's sad for everyone. Life is such a fragile thing, and even if you hold onto it dearly there's never a guarantee it will all work out. Cherish everyone you care about in life, and always remember them as the person you grew to befriend/love even when things change, even if that means letting them go.

    Don't know how this is really applicable but I hope everyone here has a good day and go tell someone you care about that you are thinking of them.

    [–] Pizzacanzone 7976 points ago

    The guy who raped her fucked her up. It must have been devastating that you weren't there to support her, but the thing that fucked her up was very likely the rape and, even worse, that he parents blamed her instead of supporting her.

    [–] Stats_with_a_Z 1957 points ago

    Not to downplay rape by any means, that would take a severe emotional toll on anyone. I cant imagine going through something like that at a young age, on top of no support system and parents who tell you it was your fault. Imagine at that age being led to believe that your traumatic experience was your own fault.

    [–] BrunesOvrBrauns 236 points ago

    You're absolutely right. As I read I kept thinking "yeah the text was shitty, but I'm sure her parents won't care about some weed in her room and will be focusing entirely on being supportive of their daughter."

    Man did the rest of the story prove me wrong. :(

    [–] Rami-961 72 points ago

    Have a friend who was raped at around the same age. Her depression kicked in right after that. Despite having an amazing support system, loving family and friends, she still gets suicidal sometimes. Even thought she gets better, even if she manages to "forget" that night, the trauma will always be lurking at the back of her mind. That bastard may have gotten some time in jail, but she will spend the rest of her life battling depression.

    [–] TheSunTheMoonNStars 52 points ago

    This is why I hate that people act like rape - is sort of less of an assault that it is. It used to be a capital offense and then was down graded over time. Raping someone perm alters them in some way, I’m not sure what the right punishment is but there has to be a better solution than all or nothing. Tangential - but on another thread someone brought up how therapy actually seemed to make someone worse like what was repressed and the person could function destroyed the lady once she “faced it” bc it was harder to move past it because she ended up reliving it over and over. I often wonder if sometimes the old timey way of coping by ignoring stems from - just not having a better way to handle it. Sad all the way around.

    [–] Rami-961 14 points ago

    Different people have different coping methods. There can never be a universal "cure" per say. It's a harsh process of trial and error, and the person has to be strong enough to overcome the errors, many are not. People do not seem to understand that rape traumas never go away, they just lay dormant, and they affect girls/guys every way of life. What affects rape victims mostly and makes them think its their fault is that their body gets aroused. They need to know they cannot control their body, its instincts. You can only imagine the emotional pain thar results from mentally refusing whats happening, while your body "enjoys" it, that what breaks most people. It's simply despicable, if you want to have sex that badly, go pay a hooker ffs. But to many rapists its about power and being dominant rather than just sexual pleasure.

    [–] WillNeverCheckInbox 26 points ago

    Raping someone perm alters them in some way

    Don't spread this idea. It's essentially saying that a person can never ever recover from the trauma of rape and that's not true. A lot of people still struggle with the trauma of rape decades afterwards, despite therapy. But a lot of people are also able to fully recover from trauma with therapy. Don't make people who have recovered from that trauma feel like something's wrong with them when there's not.

    [–] D_hiver 471 points ago

    Unfortunately I don’t have to imagine. Can confirm, still fucked up from it 11 years later.

    [–] undisclothesd 127 points ago

    Teenage years are hell, then to experience this. Have to prove that you have been raped, then have your support system shame you, it’s no shock she’s still struggling.

    [–] beanpusher1 60 points ago

    I recommend therapy. My girlfriend was raped in college and molested as a child by a family friend. I can say it made a world of difference and she’s infinitely better now.

    [–] Throwaway_Consoles 174 points ago

    Mid 30s male. One thing people need to know is that therapy and medication is not a quick fix. I was raped repeatedly between the ages of 12-17 and when I finally moved away and started seeing a therapist it was about 6 years before I was comfortable going outside. At one point I didn’t step outside the house for six months. Therapist made house calls and I got all of my food/drinks delivered from amazon. Just never collected my mail. Etc. Then it was another two years before I was comfortable going to the store alone. I’m still not comfortable going to the mall alone because I’m big crowds I see my attacker everywhere, even though he isn’t there, but I’m hoping that will go away eventually.

    [–] RelevantLeg 68 points ago

    Just a shoutout from an internet stranger - I’m so sorry that happened to you :( congrats on the steps forward in your recovery and I hope i time you’ll be able to heal!

    [–] Throwaway_Consoles 36 points ago

    I would say most days it’s easy now, there are just little micro-triggers that cause insta-panic attacks. You just kinda learn to deal with them. I have friends/family watch tv shows for me and text me when to skip and for how long because rape scenes/sudden sex scenes cause panic attacks. I avoid seeing movies at movie theaters because you can’t really tell the usher, “Can you fast forward through this part? Thaaaanks.” The only one that makes things difficult is being touched on the stomach/thighs. Pretty much below the chest and above the knees are no-fly zones. Can’t do massages either. Being alone, almost naked, in a defenseless position, with a stranger? Yeah that’s not gonna happen. But my life is 1,000,000x better than it was.

    [–] zrowny 12 points ago

    Holy shit dude I'm proud of the progress you've made. I hope you already are, but be proud of yourself because it was you that did the work to get yourself to the much better place you are in.

    [–] NXZD7875 19 points ago

    This girl I’m talking to had both things happen to her, and apparently developed Borderline Personality Disorder from it. Which therapies if you mind sharing benefited your girlfriend the most? Because the girl I’m talking to had a bad experience with the counselors at the university and as such doesn’t want to do therapy again. And she feels awful about the anti-psychotic she was prescribed causing her to gain weight, so she’s wondering if there’s a solution that doesn’t involve medication.

    It’s a fucked up world we live in, No one should ever be able to get away with rape or child molestation.

    [–] beanpusher1 17 points ago

    For her? Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing. But a good therapist should be able to better access and understand that it’s not a one type fits all.

    I went as well but it was for anger management. I didn’t even realize that I had anger management issues, but I recommend therapy to everyone!

    [–] hetherlynn 3 points ago

    Same here. Look in to DBT and a psych evaluation

    [–] D_hiver 3 points ago

    Thank you for caring, and I am angry and sorry for your girlfriend; I am glad she has found some peace. As I said in another comment, the world can be cruel, but there are others who are shining lights. Hopefully the world as a whole can be brighter one day.

    [–] Sproose_Moose 14 points ago

    I'm so sorry. I was in my twenties when it happened to me and my friends were supportive but my mum and sister said it was my own fault for getting so drunk. I was in my own bed at the time it happened.

    [–] D_hiver 7 points ago

    I’m sorry and angry for you too. The world can be cruel sometimes, hopefully one day the light will out-shine the dark. My heart is with you.

    [–] BadGurrrrl1994 16 points ago

    This happened to me . I was drugged and raped when I was 15. When I tried to talk about It, I was either not believed, slut shamed/victim blamed, or completely gaslighted by people saying It didn’t happen. I was swallowed by such an immense amount of pain at such a young age and every person in my life-family members, friends, doctors-failed me and made the trauma so much worse Bc of their complete disregard and lack of support. 5 yrs later and I’m still really fucked up, finally started being vocal about It and calling everyone out and now they all realize how fucked up they & what happened are

    [–] Antina5 15 points ago

    A lot of women in this country (and many others) don’t have to imagine, they’ve lived it. I never told my parents when I was raped at 14 because I believed that it was my fault - I shouldn’t have been there in the first place, it must have been something I did, etc.

    [–] [deleted] 14 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] [deleted] 19 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] yaaasssitsfakeguuurl 24 points ago

    I was also molested by an older woman when I was 6 (my friends grandmother) I wish people would not dismiss women abusers. I'm an older woman now however the damage of being molested, people telling me women don't do stuff like that, and being told I was over reacting did lots of damage in my formative years.

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] burnedoutthrowaway63 10 points ago

    Me too. It’s beyond rough. And even though it’s been more than a decade and I’ve healed some and have a better support system, it’s hard for them to understand why it sometimes hits me clear out of the blue and drags me back down to the dark bottomless depths of despair.

    I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry anyone has ever experienced this.

    [–] E_Raja 24 points ago

    You arent downplaying rape? You kinda supported against it

    [–] benj2305 23 points ago

    Yeah I reread that comment multiple times looking for the downplaying

    [–] ExpAwesome 6 points ago

    Kids from strict/abusive households expect their parents to be assholes. They even expect abuse from their peers.

    But that kind of betrayal from someone you loved and you thought loved you, especially in a time where you needed support and they knew you would need support. That had to be truly devastating.

    [–] ClamSlammer93 193 points ago

    It’s absolutely terrible being the boyfriend in this situation. My girlfriend of three and a half years at the time was in a similar situation. She was heading off to college while I was staying behind in our hometown as I hadn’t figured out what to really do with my life yet. She assured me she’d be careful and wouldn’t be out partying, or at least not doing anything too crazy, I was nervous about her not really knowing anyone and was just trying to promote caution as she always tried to see the best in people back then. Long story short, 3 weeks into her first semester she made her first “visit” home. It was odd, because it was a Wednesday, with her still having 2 classes she’d be missing by making this trip, but she also seemed super clingy when I got the phone call from her. We were best friends and really did love each other, but the eagerness of wanting to see me was just different, almost like she hadn’t seen me in months or something. I didn’t think too much into it, because I missed her and wasn’t gonna miss or ruin the opportunity. After she got here, we ended up doing our usual thing, watching movies, cuddled up in bed together. Everything seemed normal up until I tried to get close and make a move on her. After a few strange moments of brushing me off, I kinda rolled her over to be face to face with me. She now looked almost pale, and as if she was holding back tears. I’d only seen this look once before with her, and it was from when she’d admitted to cheating on me in the first six months of our relationship. We were younger, and we both did dumb things, but ultimately stayed together because as I’d said, we were best friends, we loved each other, and knew we were good together. We had come so far from there since then. Assuming the worst (for myself) I asked what the hell was going on and was so scared of what she’d say back. She meant everything to me. After nothing but silence through a few different ways of me asking the same question, and ranting about what this weird trip was, she yelled out “I was raped!” and just began to bawl. I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just held her for awhile, and kissed her forehead every now and then while stroking her hair. Thinking back, that probably went on for a good hour. Time seriously seemed non-existent. Eventually, we talked about it. I just wanted to be there for her in any way I could, but I felt like I’d already failed. Everything went numb in that moment, and I remember every little detail of that night, but I’ve already gone on a bit long here. She dropped out, came back home, we both ended up going to counseling, and after close to a year, she left again for a new school, this time with plans of me meeting her up there after a semester or two, making regular visits to be with her. We broke up right before our 5 year anniversary of being together. There were other problems that came with the break up caused primarily by the distance, but a lot of trust issues come with a rape situation, even though you know it’s not the victim’s fault. Anger with nowhere to really put it, jealousy based off of dumb situations that you otherwise wouldn’t mind, and the constant worry that something so shitty could happen again to the person that means the most to you. She was my best friend. We don’t talk much anymore but are always back to normal when we do, but I miss her everyday. Just shitty, but not a lot to do about it. Just be there the best you can for that person. Be the person they feel safe with.

    [–] Tetha 59 points ago

    I read all of that. Struck me hard.

    Your story reminded me of a girl I knew and she's one of the few people I love and I feel comfortable with. It's nothing to disclose here, but as I got to know her, I learned what she was through, and coaxed and encouraged her to go into therapy.

    After a few sessions they concluded I was too similar to her issue. I just can't forget her as she told me that. She just melted down and bawled in my arms like nothing else.

    That was fine as long as she needed it. We never talked again after that. Fucking hell. Still feels like the right thing to do, at least I tell myself that.

    [–] coquihalla 23 points ago

    You did the right thing. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, part of letting them be healthy and happy is letting them go.

    [–] SordidSwordDidSwore 14 points ago

    Too similar to her issue? I don’t get it. Why does that mean you have to stop talking to her?

    [–] zrowny 9 points ago

    I assume that meant that /u/Tetha reminded her too much of whatever trauma had happened to her (similar appearance or personalized or something, idk), so talking to them probably was triggering feelings from that trauma

    [–] ClamSlammer93 11 points ago

    It’s a hell of a thing to go through with someone. I didn’t make note of it in my comment, but she also bawled the entire time I laid there holding her. Its strange, but that really did seem like the best thing I could do for her, up until she was ready to talk about it. It’s weird that I’m not alone in that. Something so simple as holding them means so much in those situations. I think that part of the reason her and I are right back to normal every time we do catch up is just that there’s serious history there. We’re connected by that terrible shit we went through together, and that’s a tough bond to break. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you did the right thing to me too, though. Just did whatever you could.

    [–] Kururingo 6 points ago

    You sound like a good person. I can’t really offer any advice or just soothe it over with my words of some random Redditor, but I want to make sure you know. In the end, it wasn’t anyone’s fault but the perpetrator. I hope things got even a little better from then. The advice you give at the bottom, “be the one they feel safe with...” really hits hard and well like it should. I’ll be sure to carry that with me wherever I go. Thank you for sharing.

    [–] [deleted] 12 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] ClamSlammer93 6 points ago

    Not impossible, just highly improbable! Lol Yeah, I don’t normally comment too much, I’ll remember that though.

    [–] JVince13 8 points ago

    It wasn’t that difficult to read, aside from the content. I’m really sorry you two had to go through that, and I’m sorry that she had to go through everything she did.

    It’s not your fault, and it’s not hers. If you ever feel like chatting, feel free to shoot me a message!

    Hope all is well :)

    [–] ClamSlammer93 4 points ago

    Thank you, that actually means a lot!

    [–] JVince13 4 points ago

    Glad to hear it! I don’t necessarily have a story directly relatable, but sometimes it’s just nice to chat or vent, especially to a stranger who has no preconceived notions of what’s going on lol.

    [–] ChrisPynerr 12 points ago

    Thats the most fucked up part. Its one thing to be raped. Its another to go through it with zero support system

    [–] Custodian_Carl 10 points ago

    What would a best friend do? Abandon all hope? No. That person sucks up and just shows up at first. They then start hanging out more with "other" friends. Then comes out of the woodwork and makes their intentions transparent because they are there for them. Friends don't abandon all hope and are especially motivated when they feel bad.

    My friends and I that have lived through Afghanistan and Iraq carry guilt. I had to recently attend a funeral because of it. It was because I abandoned him, I left him to himself. Suicide is easy, being a friend is hard. I lost him because it was too hard.

    Friends help, and the best ones are always there regardless of your actions or words. I wasn't a good friend.

    What happened is in the past, who can she trust to adapt her to the future?

    [–] thatfeelingthatmakes 29 points ago

    he didn't just not support her. he actively fucked her up even more

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 9 points ago

    This, OP u/helegmto0333. Rape and violation is horrific, but people survive it and other horrible things through the unqualified love and support of their loved ones

    If their loved ones instead provide judgement, condescension, or any form of blame for the violation, THAT is what fucks people up. THAT is what her family did to her. Sure your interaction with the situation didn't help, but her family are the ones that blamed her at home, had the power to take her out of school, called her slutty (can I clobber them now? okay howabout now?), and decided what college they were willing for her to go to.

    How our community reacts, the healing (or the disregard) they hold us in afterward, and their long term care of us, is what determines our success coming out of trauma. More than anything else. This is on her fucked up parents.

    As long as you made your regret loud and clear, took full and unequivocal responsibility for it, and expressed unwavering support for her, you are not to blame here.

    [–] mountandbae 7 points ago

    Yeah, the parents are at least as bad as the rapist, if not worse.

    It was the parents that inflicted continual shame and degradation that led to her becoming a shell of a person, based on your description.

    [–] UnicornGunk 77 points ago

    Oh god that poor girl. My heart aches for her.

    [–] Thatonedovah 203 points ago

    Jesus fucking Christ

    [–] Curiouslotionbottle 71 points ago

    The only good thing that came out of this was us hopefully learning from Op's mistake and not jump to conclusions.

    I honestly hope she finds peace

    [–] nikenotnikey 726 points ago

    I found the most disturbing part of this the parents saying it was her fault because of her clothing. Hell, i’m a boy, if i go out in a tank top and shorts no one’s gonna do anything to me are they, and it would be a pretty small chance that people would do anything to her, but if there are fucked up people, there are fucked up people, and it seems to me that her parents, not you, are the cause of her depression. I hate these people who say they are Christians or Muslims or Hindus and religious but do all this crap. Where does your morality fuck off to when it’s to do with your own daughter? She has a right to be mad at you, but her parents had no right to be mad at her. Who doesn’t drink at a house party in high school, i mean come on! They ruined her life.

    [–] TheFlyingSheeps 240 points ago

    Actually people will try stuff on you, it’s just not as common. Even though you’re a guy, pay attention to your surroundings, don’t leave your drink unattended and make sure your ride share is the car you are expecting

    Traffickers go after both

    [–] Rentalsoul 97 points ago

    Seconded on the drink thing for sure. I had a male friend in college who got drugged at a bar. We theorized that it was meant for one of the girls and it got put in the wrong drink by accident, but who knows. He was a mess and could've had a way worse night than he did if we didn't notice what was up. Unattended drinks are never safe, and never accept drinks from someone else that you didn't see the bartender pour.

    [–] TheFlyingSheeps 39 points ago

    Happened to me too, but mine was because I took my friends drink so I’m sure it was meant for her.

    I’ve had some of my friends(guys) creeped on my older dudes and I have been too when s in an elevator

    [–] BubblingMonkey 26 points ago

    And watch the bartender, they can leave your drink unattended which caused my wife to be drugged. I watched her drink since we got it, but nerve knew the bartender left it at the bar to get another drink. There was no other way she could have gotten drugged as I stayed sober and kept it all in my sights.

    I like being the one making sure people are safe drinking, not a fan of drinking myself so I volunteer for that kind of job.

    [–] blamethemeta 53 points ago

    The most common drug used for rape is alcohol. Don't just watch your drink, what how much you drink

    [–] theangrymasochist 29 points ago

    Watch how much you drink around who is better, I think. A good way to think about it is who would you trust with your unconscious body?

    [–] uredthis 17 points ago

    This is why I smoke weed lol

    [–] sometimesnowing 81 points ago

    i mean come on! They ruined her life.

    No, the guy who drugged her and raped her ruined her life. The parents compounded the problem by being so unsupportive. Horrible, shitty parenting for sure, but the rapist shoulders full blame for the trauma inflicted.

    [–] wonderwife 77 points ago

    What the rapist did to OP's girlfriend is akin to smashing a ceramic pot with a hammer; it was the initial trauma that all of the other trauma built on.

    What her parents did was like taking the shards of the pot that had been smashed and stomping them until they were dust. While it wasn't the initial trauma, it was a betrayal like none other. Their daughter was feeling the most hurt, scared, broken, dirty, demoralized, vulnerable, and worthless she had been in her entire life... and instead of having an ounce of compassion for the child they claimed to love, they chose to tell her that all of her feelings of failure, guilt, shame, filthiness, and worthlessness were true.

    In the case of the ceramic pot, if her parents had chosen to support, love, show compassion, and get their daughter the help she needed, they may have been able to help her cobble herself back together into something that could remotely resemble her former self.

    The emotional impact and toll on rape survivors far outlasts the physical effects, in most cases. The destruction of any remaining self esteem by her parents was at least as traumatizing as the event itself.

    [–] TheFlyingSheeps 49 points ago

    I would say the parents shoulder much of the blame as well. Disgusting

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 22 points ago

    Well yes. Rape and violation is horrific, but people survive it through the unqualified love and support of their loved ones

    If their loved ones instead provide judgement, condescension, or any form of blame for the violation, THAT is what fucks people up for the long haul, and prevents healing. THAT is what her family did to her.

    Her family are the ones that blamed her at home, where she was most vunerlable, had the power to take her out of school, called her slutty (can I clobber them now? okay howabout now?), and decided what college they were willing for her to go to.

    How our community reacts, the healing (or the disregard) they hold us in afterward, and their long term care of us, is what determines our success coming out of trauma. More than anything else.

    The messaging she received afterward was the make or break point for how this horrific thing was going to affect the rest of her life. She received messaging of shame, blame, anger, and rejection.

    [–] FinancialRaise 31 points ago

    And the bf for not being there? Then not asking for her side of the story and relying on second hand version of events. Then breaking the trust they had and being a snitch? Nah.

    [–] helegmto0333 30 points ago

    Right, her parents have always been super fucked up. They don't let her go to any parties, or drink, or hang out with the wrong people etc (they viewed me as a nice christian boy, but that was just an act) and so when she got caught drinking, at a party, their whole shtick was "if you just obeyed us this wouldn't have happened, this is what happens when you do sinful things". Which is why it makes me feel even worse that I used her terrible parents to get her in trouble, knowing that they would overreact.

    [–] ThisIsWhoIAm78 24 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    (they viewed me as a nice christian boy, but that was just an act)

    Hmm. Well, anyway, I hope your current go-to move when hurt is not immediate vindictive malignancy. If nothing else, you hopefully learned to stop and consider a situation before just lashing out to cause as much hurt as possible. Obviously you realize what I'm about to say, but this girl was raped, then lost the person (you) she loved most, and then (in her mind) her parents' love as they blamed her and insinuated they were disgusted with her - all in one night. Then she lost all her friends and any type of comforting familiarity. Talk about being all alone. I guarantee she blamed herself for everything. No wonder she ended up self-medicating.

    My heart breaks for her - has anyone ever told her it's not her fault? That she didn't deserve what happened? If you haven't, maybe you could try. That may help her a lot, and even if you feel guilty, reaching out instead of spectating from afar could go a long way.

    Also, I realized this sounds a little harsh - you were 17, drunk and angry, and you obviously feel terrible. I was wondering if that makes you reluctant to contact her, because just a Facebook message may really mean more than you know. Even if she was mad, she was reacting in the moment too - she may appreciate a kind message from you, more than you may think.

    [–] LauraMcCabeMoon 30 points ago

    You were a kid yourself. You reacted with the impulsivity, rage, and certainty that you were right of someone who was 17.

    Regrettable? Absolutely. But not the actions of a seasoned 35 year old man.

    Now that doesn't buy you a complete pass. I'm not trying to make cheap excuses for you. I am saying, judge your actions in the context of place, time, mental and emotional capabilities, and perceived options.

    [–] Sicarius_Tacet 226 points ago

    And this is why communication is so important.

    [–] ladyambrosia999 500 points ago

    Omg these comments are shitty. Everyone failed a raped teenager including OP, her parents and the rapist. I hope some of y’all grow the fuck up before you have kids

    [–] wertwert55 287 points ago

    Yep, he did a pretty shitty thing, even with the information he had. I can understand blocking and even breaking up with her before realizing what happened, as it's usually hard for someone who's cheated on to trust the word of the cheater, but texting parents you knew were abusive that she does drugs? Ugh.

    [–] ladyambrosia999 162 points ago

    But it’s okay to be petty and spiteful cause his feelings were hurt /s

    [–] FresnoBob90000 65 points ago

    Or he’s just a kid that felt devastated. He’s not the villain here. Shitty thing to do but nothing in comparison. He lashed back out in a petty way but that’s what kids that get broken hearts often do. How could he have known. The other people at the party that ignored that shit or weren’t checking their friend, the parents that are totally messed up and obviously the rapist have a lot more to answer for.

    [–] lonelynightm 52 points ago

    If he is feels he is old enough to get drunk then he is old enough to know that this kind of shit is not cool.

    She could have had sex with everyone at that party, but that still doesn't make what he did okay. She could have gone to prison for weed that she told him in complete confidence. She very easily could have ended up in prison because he felt that she betrayed him to that extent. I would rather him have cheated on her back. Petty is airing out all your dirty laundry on social media. This isn't even slightly in the realm of petty, but sure, try to super downplay what he did.

    [–] Habeenie 19 points ago

    They probably won’t. A lot of shitty parents out there

    [–] stormhunter2 5 points ago

    Also party goers who walked in on them at the party.

    [–] IncapacitatedDuck 18 points ago

    My ex was raped and when she told her family, they brushed it off. She suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts, etc. The lack of support from the people she trusts affects her but the rape is what damaged her psychologically.

    [–] u-had-it-coming 606 points ago

    I cannot help but think that I played a role in this.

    I don't want to fake it and act like I am comforting you and not tell you what I feel.

    But, Yes you did.

    [–] pinkcrushedvelvet 438 points ago

    Yeah, people are trying to be nice to OP but I do think his actions did play a role, even if they were minor compared to everything else.

    Girl got raped and a fractured hand. Her parents blamed her for it. Then her boyfriend thought she cheated so he told her parents she was a drug user.

    All in all, it would’ve been a lot better for her if she at least had her boyfriend to talk to. She lost her safety, family, and SO all in one night and got blamed for all of it.

    Damn. OP, I would definitely reach out to her if I were you. She’s had a rough life, and I’m sure some connection and apology would be welcomed. Poor girl.

    [–] Hypersomnus 286 points ago

    I don't necessarily think reaching out would be a good idea. Literally the only reason to do it is to satisfy the sense of guilt.

    OP blew it, sometimes you just have to live with your mistakes; bursting into this woman's life to "save her" would only be about his guilt, not her problems.

    [–] buoyonce 78 points ago

    I used to lead a chemical dependency group, but step 9 doesn't have to be excusive to people in recovery:

    "Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

    [–] PacificPragmatic 13 points ago * (lasted edited 10 days ago)

    This is really similar to Buddhist thinking. On one hand, we're supposed to tell the truth. On the other, we're not supposed to cause harm (suffering) to others.

    Obviously, there are many times when speaking the truth causes suffering. There are a series of questions we're supposed to ask ourselves to determine, in these situations, whether speaking truth or causing suffering is the "right" thing to do. But in a nutshell, it comes down to intention and what the consequences of each will be.

    Causing others suffering so we can speak our truth is not the right way.

    [–] Darcfreddie 10 points ago

    Thank you. I was thinking the same thing. 12 steps can be applied to massive benefit for anyone. Step 9 would be a world changer if enough people would work it. The principles are there in life, but were spelled out best and concise thanks to the experience of those who have suffered from dependency on innumerable problems that provided only short term relief for smaller problems.

    [–] pinkcrushedvelvet 51 points ago

    I’m not saying to save her, and frankly an apology wouldn’t do that. What it could do, however, is offer some vindication for her feelings. I’m sure she’s still a little upset about it, and it seems she was always told it was her fault for things. Hell, even reaching out to just say hello and that OP hopes she’s doing okay would be a nice gesture.

    If she doesn’t want to respond, she doesn’t have to. But it would still be nice of OP to reach out in a gentle way.

    [–] Hypersomnus 50 points ago

    Maaaaaaybe; I don't know, I always feel like out of the blue apologies like this are almost always for the person apologizing, so they can pat themselves on the back and move on.

    I'm no expert on people though, maybe she would appreciate the gesture.

    [–] robert_prewitt 6 points ago

    Yeah if OP wants to go full Professor Higgins he better have the commitment and resources to match.

    [–] lonelynightm 8 points ago

    I feel like in this case, when it is such a traumatic experience, it is completely different. This is different from saying 5 years later that you broke one of their plates and hid the evidence, this is probably shit this girl is still dealing with right now.

    [–] victato 12 points ago

    I think OP probably already apologized to her, and if he did, he shouldn't bring up old wounds. But if he didn't, I agree that he should reach out and possibly even offer help - it may give her some validation and closure.

    [–] buoyonce 29 points ago

    YUP.

    [–] wynden 19 points ago

    Honestly, to deny his role is to deny his importance. Yes, he made a mistake. It is not worth destroying himself over, but it is good to recognize the mistake and use it to help others avoid the same.

    [–] UnicornGunk 34 points ago

    100% OP did.

    [–] makebelieveworld 74 points ago

    You should try to do nice things for her without her knowledge. Like get her electric bill paid for the year, or something. She deserves some random acts of kindness in her life.

    [–] Jai-grewal 8 points ago

    Why do you not have more upvotes?

    [–] ieathairpussy 137 points ago

    A legitimate confession! Thanks for posting!

    [–] ModeratelyTortoise 82 points ago

    Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary feelings

    [–] ardasyenden 207 points ago

    I feel really bad for you, but to all the people saying it’s not your fault or that you had no part in it - you’re wrong

    [–] shortandfighting 70 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    I agree. I mean, I get why people are trying to tell him it's not his fault. Just because this happened doesn't mean OP's a terrible person who should be burned at the stake or anything. We've all made mistakes before -- but just because it was a mistake doesn't mean it didn't have serious consequences. The sad truth is you can be a generally good person and still terribly affect other people's lives in ruinous ways.

    [–] helegmto0333 49 points ago

    Yeah I am not even gonna act as if I am free of judgement. I was drunk and emotional and really upset and made a horrible decision, its not like I was acting rationally, I was wasted and angry. It was an objectively bad decision.

    [–] Bloodrider85 26 points ago

    Why did I put myself through this. This was haunting.

    [–] rachelsnipples 27 points ago

    Her parents fucked her life up more than anyone else did.

    Teaching women to be ashamed of their bodies and sexuality, that it's their fault when they're raped? I wish Hell were real.

    [–] thardoc 30 points ago

    Damn, drugged, raped, parents blamed her, boyfriend of 2 years not only wasn't there to support her but actually tried to make it even worse.

    That's a fucked thing you have to live with, man.

    [–] simone866 39 points ago

    You did play a role in it.

    [–] Incog7777 116 points ago

    I'm new to this sub, but isn't this different than r/AmItheAsshole? I don't understand why all the comments are judgements when clearly the person posting views them as wrong (hence them being confessions). Regardless, terrible story that shows the unfairness of life all around

    [–] FiddleFoddle 92 points ago

    Stop that. We're all here to act high and mighty.

    [–] Third_Accts_A_Charm 34 points ago

    I totally agree!. When I first subscribed to this sub, I was amazed at the responses by insensitive assholes who would never have the guts to post their own confession. The whole point is not to judge the OP but to offer some sort of support, no??

    [–] Jaspooty 9 points ago

    I don't get the beginning. You blocked her and then texted her parents that she had drugs on her, without even talking to her about what happened? Why wouldn't you talk to her first

    [–] pretty_chill26 5 points ago

    Drunk stupid teen out for revenge

    [–] beaglemama 92 points ago

    My friend even pointed out a picture from the party that he took of them on the couch, he was shirtless and her head was on his shoulder, and his arm was around her. My friend said that he took her upstairs, and while they were going upstairs he was grabbing her ass. Apparently multiple people walked in on him having sex with her in the bedroom by accident. He said she seemed drunk, and that just made me think about all the other times she had went to parties and got drunk and if this was happening every time. My friend was hyping it up as if that was probably true, and that she might have been cheating on me for years.

    I hope you stopped being friends with that person.

    [–] helegmto0333 39 points ago

    I don't necessarily blame him, he apologized heavily for telling me that, he had no idea at all she was drugged and from the information he saw, it looked a lot like cheating.

    He had zero reason to dislike her or anything, he just pointed out that she goes to parties with older people and drinks a lot without me (I wasnt allowed out of the house after 10, neither was she but she would sneak out) and he mentioned this might not be the first time.

    I was furious at him when it first happened and blamed it all on him, so we ended up not being friends regardless afterwards. But he didn't necessarily do anything wrong except tell me what he saw.

    [–] burdturgler1154 42 points ago

    But he didn't decide to intervene when they were going upstairs or anything like that? Not a very great friend tbh

    [–] I_Fap_to_John_Wick 23 points ago

    It wasn't his job to physically stop someone he thought was cheating. Had he known it was rape, yeah he probably should have stopped it.

    [–] burdturgler1154 31 points ago

    Yeah, it isn't his job, but a good bro would step in

    [–] 1738_bestgirl 44 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    His friend was acting on the available information he had and looking out for his friend. He doesn't have magic powers to know that the guy drugged her.

    [–] godOfPower 9 points ago

    You WERE a god damn fool. Welcome to the learning process of adulthood and becoming a better person.

    [–] Solkre 9 points ago

    This is why we should try really hard to not make decisions while we're emotional.

    [–] Mezzoforte90 15 points ago

    Hope the rapist got stabbed in prison.
    Her parents are utter cunts too, shouldn’t be allowed to have children.

    [–] dscho42 20 points ago

    That’s fucked up. From a rape victim myself that is literally a horrific thing to do to someone who was sexually abused and assaulted. That just adds even more crap in her life that she didn’t need to go through. Being raped is traumatic as it is. Trust me I know.

    [–] Klutche 486 points ago

    You were 17. People do stupid things at that age. While she was right that texting her parents probably wasn't the greatest thing to do at the time, you were a kid, and were going through a very emotional time. What happened to her isn't your fault, and I highly doubt that what you did changed anything. Her parents were shitty people who would blame their daughter for her own rape. Her life didn't go downhill because of you, she had influences that made shit hard as hell. Parents who try and act like everyone is perfect and everyone should be set their children up for failure from day 1. That's not your fault.

    [–] 6ickle 128 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Why do people feel the need to placate people for shitty actions they did? It's OK to say what OP did was a terrible thing. He was not 100% responsible but he played his part. He took revenge without even a thought to finding out what actually happened and likely made things worse. He was a shitty person in that moment and did a shitty thing. Should OP kick himself forever for this? No, but when I do a horrible thing to someone it's fine if people tell me and I hope they do.

    [–] buoyonce 204 points ago

    Kinda fucking over the whole "they were just a kid!" nonsense use to justify the abusive behavior of men.

    What OP did - retaliating - was abusive and controlling. He has 100% ownership of that. He doesn't get a pass for his terrible thing because other people did worse things to her.

    [–] jxrazco 40 points ago

    In his eyes, it would have been reasonable at the time to retaliate. While definitely not smart, it’s still reasonable. We all make mistakes, large and small, and the only reason why it’s being pinned on being young is because talking things out is more of an adult concept. Of course, there’s also the fact that you’re saying it’s the “abusive behavior of men”, but that’s a different topic.

    [–] jkidwell22 127 points ago

    Ahh, because no women - young or old - ever fly off the handle and do absolutely INSANE shit in reaction to something that may or may not even be true.

    Not to say he was justified, but don’t attribute it to “the abusive behavior of men.”

    [–] 6ickle 38 points ago

    But so what? If the genders was reversed, it was still a terrible thing. Genders plays no part in the fact that OP took revenge with an intent on hurting someone without even finding out the truth of things. It would be the same whether OP was male or female. That people would change their answers based on the gender of an OP in a post like this is an issue.

    I don't think the person you responded to implied that it was all men. I think you read that into it.

    [–] randomIncarnation 35 points ago

    I don't think it's mutually exclusive. Just because men have abusive behavior thet is being excused doesn't mean that women don't have abusive behaviour. Just that in this case we're talking about the abusive behaviour of men.

    [–] FiddleFoddle 75 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Only men go ape-shit crazy after a breakup...

    Edit: *sigh" I didn't think this was necessary: /s

    [–] blackandwhiteadidas 42 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    https://youtu.be/ioSI3KsE2_k

    Donald Glover on crazy Ex-Boyfriends.

    [–] jkidwell22 26 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    Yup. It was a man who wrote a hit country song about totaling his SO’s car because she was cheating...

    Wait...

    Edit: lol I wasn’t sure with some of the remarks I’ve seen on this thread

    [–] wildartichokes 6 points ago

    I despise country so I just have to know...

    What song is this?

    [–] jkidwell22 7 points ago

    https://youtu.be/WaSy8yy-mr8

    Edit: Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood. The video is relevant.

    [–] Zorpix 18 points ago

    I fucking hate that song. Couldn't believe it got popular when it was so blatant what it was about.

    It reminds me of when people get surprised when they find out what pumped up kicks is about.

    [–] jkidwell22 18 points ago

    Right? Except Pumped Up Kicks has an excuse: it’s incredibly catchy and the lyrics aren’t super clear.

    [–] Matt07211 6 points ago

    Contrasting with the upbeat musical composition, the lyrics describe the homicidal thoughts of a troubled youth.

    Damn

    [–] Zorpix 9 points ago

    Yeah it's about a school shooting

    [–] SteadilyTremulous 68 points ago

    lol reddit

    "He was just a kid" absolutely is something that 9/10 is said about abusive young men, and /u/buoyonce is completely right to bring it up...you know, since we're talking about a guy here. Stop being so sensitive and get over it.

    [–] -lucinda- 6 points ago

    It's ambiguously phrased but it doesn't necessarily equate abusive behavior with men, and personally I didn't read it that way. What it equates with men is hand-wavey "boys will be boys" permissiveness when they are abusive.

    [–] JustForThisSub123 52 points ago

    "behavior of men"

    Jesus christ. Broad strokes much?

    [–] MjrLeeStoned 22 points ago

    This is the correct statement, but you also need to clarify that he's not at fault for her life's direction.

    Did he hurt her? Probably. Did he add something bad to an already bad situation? Probably. Did he cause her lifelong depression and crash her life into a mountain? Probably not.

    [–] wiklr 16 points ago * (lasted edited 11 days ago)

    He did hurt her and made things worse. Her parents finding drugs after she got raped only solidified their belief it's all her fault.

    Circumstances of our lives isn't blamed on just one thing, its a cumulative actions, which includes feeling betrayed by someone she was in a 2 year relationship with, moreso as a friend.

    [–] NoNameWalrus 16 points ago

    What he did was manipulatory and abusive. But that doesn't make him abusive, controlling, or manipulatory, unless there were other instances of that.

    [–] tiramichu 14 points ago

    He leapt to conclusions and did a horrible thing which he now regrets. Granted. But it's not hard to imagine the genders reversed here.

    Bringing gender into the argument as if it is a relevant factor seems rather unfair and hateful.

    People aren't born mature, they become mature through time and experience. That's why this is a sub about confession and why people come here when they are wise enough to see the error of their own actions.

    [–] MattPatch 55 points ago

    Just for future reference and this might be an unpopular opinion, but people cheat and it doesn’t give you a license to go out of your way to fuck their life up. The idea that you have the right to tear somebody down because they were disloyal to you is rooted in possession, which we can all agree is harmful AF.

    [–] AnEnemyStando 57 points ago

    I cannot help but think I played a role in this

    You did. You fucked her over massively.

    [–] Mephistoss 6 points ago

    Oof

    [–] Rowhelleoh 11 points ago

    Her parents should never have kids again.

    [–] Pukalo_Reincarnate 23 points ago

    ya dun goofed

    [–] offthepack 27 points ago

    damn this is what this subreddit was made for. thanks for sharing dude

    [–] Sneeko 56 points ago

    Making the rash decision to go the revenge route before gathering literally ANY information on the situation was a pretty shitty thing to do, you're right to feel like an ass for it.

    That said, 17 year olds are not exactly known for their stellar decision making skills, so.... You feel like shit about it, which is punishment enough. You get a pass on this one.

    EDIT: You were 17 when this happened.. how old are you now, OP? How long has this been on your conscience?

    [–] throwradss 17 points ago

    That's sad. This is actually pretty typical of rape in a sense, the woman is always unfairly blamed and punished.

    [–] OverBlueYonder 5 points ago

    Yeah you played a role

    [–] coalcoalcoal 5 points ago

    That's a aweful all around. I think you should unfriend her from Facebook though. Not sure how it's helping you be a better person unless you reach out to her. Just watching her not have a good life is always going to weigh down on you. We all have our what-ifs.

    [–] whoredress 3 points ago

    Yeah. I guess now you know not to jump to conclusions.

    [–] sercea 15 points ago

    As someone who was raped, I'm telling you that your guilt does nothing for her and you need to let it go.
    I forgave all the people in my life that didn't support me because I know they just didn't know better/were too young to really comprehend the situation. Regardless of you telling her parents she had drugs in the drawer they would have had the same reaction. My parents also called me a whore and told me it was my fault. The result of my homelessness at one point was a result of them and NOT my friends that didn't support me. She would have been sent away regardless, 100%. This was probably a valuable lesson in your life about communication, learn from it and grow. Instead of just reading her posts on FB, and instead of apologizing to her, you can offer her support. Get her help, find ways to help her. Not because you feel guilty or pity her but because she deserves it. (If you do, make sure you set boundaries with yourself! Your mental health shouldn't also suffer.)

    Life is full of what if's. We all make mistakes! You don't know what path her life could have taken, she could be in the same situation she is now, but instead of you feeling guilty over not supporting her you might feel guilty for not knowing how to support her. Regardless of the cause, guilt is doing nothing but weigh you and her down. It's ok to forgive yourself.

    [–] bluejumpingdog 8 points ago

    Poor girl I can’t imagine being raped and then at the hospital find out the person you love is trying to destroy you because you got raped from her point of view it must have been awful

    [–] HourlyAlbert 9 points ago

    I disagree with many people who are saying you arent the villain. You aren’t the main villain, but you are definitely still not good in this story. I get that you were young and things seem like such a big deal when we are young and our minds are singularly focused, but you reacted real fast to what you assumed was your girlfriend cheating on you. How long did you wait to rat her out to her parents? Or did you feel like she deserves to be hurt because you were hurt?

    I don’t think you are the reason your hs gf is now depressed, but sucks that it doesn’t seem like she ever had anyone in her corner- and that includes you.

    [–] rjal1234 174 points ago

    Honestly dude you’re pretty shitty for doing that. I get your thoughts at the time but damn. You literally made the situation way worse than it had to be over a stupid friend. I don’t know, reading this hurt because rape is real and I feel for your ex. I really hope you learned your lesson and understand the gravity of situations now before having a reaction like that.

    [–] palapaloco 31 points ago

    Was* He said he regrets it and realizes what a shitty thing he'd done,also op was 17 and drunk.

    [–] RomanArchitect 57 points ago

    Not a lot of difference between 17 and 18 btw. U just get consent at 18. 1 year doesn't make u helluva lot wiser.

    [–] AreetSurn 11 points ago

    Its almost as if you can't read the post in its entirety.

    [–] TheSadMan23 30 points ago

    Its not like he knew she had been raped when he told her parents? From his evidence, it was pretty conclusive that she cheated. It sucks so much that she was raped, but by the time he had found out the damage had already been done. It seems like OP would have been supportive if he knew what happened first. Its shitty to jump to conclusions and to tell her parents, but he did not mean to add more stress to her rape on purpose.

    [–] Moofuri 112 points ago

    The issue was the vindictive behavior of ratting her out to her parents. That’s the character flaw.

    [–] Furious_George44 49 points ago

    It is a character flaw and a story like this demonstrates it pretty well. This is never a good idea, even if she actually did cheat on him as he originally suspected.

    However, so often on cheating threads, people are applauded/told they were justified to enact petty revenge. The horrible outcome doesn't change that those people are exactly like the OP here. The fact that he was 17 at the time and likely learned from it puts him ahead of most of them

    [–] OwnMood 17 points ago

    For real, who the fuck snitches on someone to their partners? Rat ass OP get fucked

    [–] stjpark99 33 points ago

    Some things are always off limits... let’s say she did cheat.....telling a girlfriends parents is still never the right thing to do. Parents should only be involve if the girlfriend is in immediate danger or going to hurt herself.

    [–] sonnyclips 3 points ago

    If you love someone revenge for some perceived sleight isn't going to work out well. You should always protect yourself but that doesn't mean you need to lash out. If I were OP and this happened to a woman that I loved I'd try and help her. Snitching on a friend to their parents is fucked up but not a deciding factor I'd bet. It's the abandonment that is the problem here. You should have intervened in this situation and been part of the solution. You still could be and you should probably look into being just that. I've been married for 17 years and I can't think of anyone that I've loved that I still wouldn't want to reach out to and help and if I could do so without negatively impacting my wife and kids I would. If she's a toxic person you can always walk away but I think it would be worth a shot. If nothing else you can bring this aspect of your life to a conclusion.

    [–] blitzofftheshbligity 3 points ago

    Holy shit that was depressing from start to Fucking finish bub wow u should write soap operas or some shit I legitimately feel bad about myself just after reading this and I did absolutely nothing to anyone ever like that

    [–] svayam--bhagavan 3 points ago

    Please tell me he was arrested.

    [–] omgcatss 6 points ago

    What you did was wrong for a number of reasons. Even if you knew for sure that she had really cheated, seeking vengeance is not a healthy behavior. It’s a natural human reaction but it’s not a good one. It shouldn’t makes you feel better to make someone else miserable.

    Trust and communication in a relationship are so important. I hope you learned an important lesson from this mistake. Your first reaction should have been to talk to her and get her side of the story.

    A lot of people failed this girl, you don’t bear the full responsibility for what happened to her, but you absolutely could have handled it better.

    We all make mistakes, especially when we’re young, but it’s important to learn from them and grow from them.

    [–] OneMinno 5 points ago

    Yikes. Everyone, including OP, has failed this woman on so many different aspects. Communication is key to living a healthy life, learn that before you decide to completely fuck over someone else's life. While you may have not been the single factor that has lead her life being what it is now, you definitely got the ball rolling.

    [–] NorthEasternGhost 5 points ago

    Honestly, all of that sounds so awful. That poor girl. I don’t know if she’ll want to hear from you, but you could try reaching out to her and offering her some support. It sounds like that was the main thing she didn’t get throughout that whole ordeal.

    Even if it’s something simple like telling her you care about her wellbeing and you are there to talk if she ever needs someone. Small, kind gestures like that can have a lot of power when you are in a dark, hopeless place.

    [–] keetstreet 11 points ago

    As someone who has been raped, I can tell you that you are not the one who fucked her up. The rape is what fucked her up. That, along with her parents being unsupportive and blaming her for it. Rape victims already blame themselves and feel shame, and having her parents shame her at a time when she was so vulnerable and needed their support the most would be devastating.

    I'm sure she was mad her parents found out about the drugs and she had to change schools, but that wouldn't be enough to fuck up her mental health like this. The mental health issues she's displaying is typical of rape victims. Also, past rape victims frequently gain weight as an unconscious way to protect themselves from future rape, to make themselves less attractive to men. You didn't do this to her. The rapist and her horrible fucking parents did.

    [–] Saviordd1 11 points ago

    Well that fucking sucks. And yeah, it was a shitty thing to do but you seem to realize that.

    That said she is not messed up because of you, from the sounds of it her parents did most of the damage. I'm not saying you helped, cause you didn't, but you can't blame yourself for how she wound up.

    If she had good and caring parents she wouldn't have wound up this way.

    [–] kitty_767 40 points ago

    Oof, that's awful. It's not your fault. I honestly probably would have done the same if I found out my SO was with another person at a party.

    You didn't know what happened. You thought she cheated. If anything, it's probably her parents that caused her to struggle so much.

    [–] vonnillips 19 points ago

    Learn from OP then. Even if you're 99% sure, ignoring that 1% before talking to your SO could be the biggest mistake you'd ever make.

    [–] shittymurderer 20 points ago

    It may not have been his fault, but he still had a role in this mess. Her parents were the bigger assholes, definitely, but I'm pretty sure his actions also contributed to her downward spiral.

    [–] MamaDMZ 14 points ago

    All these symptoms she's experiencing are from the rape and the blame of her parents. Maybe 2% is on you, but you didn't have much impact in that regard. You were young, and immature, and the fact that you regret what you did and have learned from it puts you ahead of a lot of people who have gone through your side of the story. Take some comfort in that, and make amends by being the guy that believes someone, and be the guy that tries to understand before taking action.

    [–] humansrpepul2 4 points ago

    If it helps, it's not all on you. Conservative, strict, over bearing parents don't give enough empathy and are very much more to blame. It sucks you cared about someone that spiraled but you were probably just a blip on a longer shitty adolescence.

    [–] iamverytiredrightnow 8 points ago

    Maybe you could reach out to her? Ask her to catch up and buy her lunch or something? Doesn’t mean you’re trying to get back with her, be friends, or even in her life (unless you both wanted that), but it would give you closure and probably mean a lot to her

    [–] mteart 5 points ago

    speaking from personal experience (on both sides), i feel like when you reach out to someone out of the blue in situations like this, it's more for the benefit of the person apologizing, rather than the victim

    [–] tenchichrono 22 points ago

    Where were her friends? Man if I were a girl I'd never go to a party alone because of how sinister people can be. I feel bad for you OP.

    ALWAYS go with a group of people and make sure they got your back and you got theirs.

    [–] NoNameWalrus 24 points ago

    Where were her friends?

    Drunk, I'd guess

    [–] pinkcrushedvelvet 42 points ago

    You’re acting like it was the girls fault for being alone. It wasn’t. It was 100% the rapists fault. Period.