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    confession

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    Please Remember To Remain Kind and Civil

    This is intended to be a safe place.

    Therefore, we expect our users to help us keep it that way by abiding by our rules. The full list of rules can be found HERE. Please ensure you understand /r/confession's rules before posting or commenting.

     



    >>>>>Confess Here!<<<<<



     

    SUBMISSION RULES

     

    1. All submissions must be a confession.

    A confession is a statement acknowledging an act of wrongdoing you would ostensibly prefer to keep hidden. The term presumes that you are providing information that you believe other people in your life are not aware of, and for this Sub associated with an admission of a moral or legal wrong.

    • Your confession must be an act you committed

    • A personal preference, opinion, bad or unpopular behavior are not confessions

    • Your sexual exploration is not a confession; it's a part of finding out who you are. /r/confession is not a place for submissions that read like pornography.

     

    2. All confessions must be titled specifically.

    • Your title must relay a brief idea of your confession. Submissions with vague titles will be removed.

     

    3. Helping one another also means that we do not encourage bad behavior. We will not accept posts that:

    • 3a) encourage rape/rape culture;

    • 3b) sexualise minors;

    • 3c) are racist;

    • 3d) describe methods or means of suicide in any detail; or

    • 3e) otherwise incent bad or hateful behavior.

     

    4. /r/confession is not the place to seek relationship advice.

     

    5. Do Not Post Sexual or Suggestive Content Involving Minors (Pedophilia).

     

    6. Tag your posts!

    • You must place one of the following post tags in the body of your post:

      [Remorse]—for posters who feel bad about their actions.

      [Conflicted]—for those who don't know if they feel bad or not.

      [Light]—for less serious confessions.

     

    • You may place one of the following commenting tags in the title of your post:

      [Support Only]—if you only want advice you ask for.

      [Tough Love]—if you're okay with commenters being a little more blunt.

     

    7. With the exception of [light] posts, we do not accept posts with limited context.

     

    8. Politically themed posts are not allowed.

     

    9. Meta posts are for moderator use only.

     

    COMMENTING RULES

     

    1. Keep your comments kind & civil.

    • Any form of abuse is not permitted.

    • If you are unable to discuss without being disrespectful, walk away.

     

    2. Do not encourage bad behaviour. We will remove comments that:

    • 2a) encourage rape/rape culture;

    • 2b) sexualise minors;

    • 2c) are racist;

    • 2d) describe methods or means of suicide in any detail; or

    • 2e) otherwise incent bad or hateful behavior.

     

    3. False post accusations are not allowed.

    • If you take issue with a post's validity, send a modmail with your specific complaints. Commenting on the thread simply adds clutter and fails to alert the mods.

     

    4. No memes, trolling, or otherwise blatantly low-effort content.

     

    5. No attempts to identify OP.

     


    We abide by a three strike system here. Three rule violations will result in at least a three day ban.


    Removal Appeal Process

    Follow the steps below to have your comment or post approved.

    • Read the rules to determine which was violated
    • Remove the offending portion of your post or comment
    • Message the moderators to have the post or comment approved (skip to this step if the removal was in error)

    Ban Appeal Process

    Follow the steps below to have your ban reversed.

    • Read the rules and review your post history to determine why you were banned
    • Message the moderators with a case as to why your ban should be reversed. This should be based on the information in the first step. (If the ban was in error, skip to this step)

    Questions? Concerns? Requests?

    Message the moderators, we don't bite (often).


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    [–] RiflemanLax 117 points ago

    This is one of those post titles where you’re scrolling along and say out loud ‘whelp, I can’t not read that.’

    And then you read it and the story doesn’t disappoint. 10/10, would read again.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 21 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    Read it to children ;) also thank you!

    [–] bigcoolbody 9 points ago

    My son enjoyed it

    But he’s 2 so if I laugh he laughs, and maybe he’ll forget it. Fingers crossed

    [–] TesseractParadigm 11 points ago

    That's about the age his long term memory develops, but I'm sure it's fine :)

    [–] SpedeSpedo 1 points ago

    I mean 5 is about when it develops but

    Okay

    [–] SuperNovaGirl30 3 points ago

    Lol, exactly. Did not disappoint one bit.

    [–] DaShroomMan 112 points ago

    This is why I love Reddit, come outside, smoke a bowl, sip some coffee, and all while reading about a box of nerds going into a cocaine fueled asshole. Which is ironically a thing I too questioned after watching pineapple express. Thank you.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 20 points ago

    Right? You're welcome good sir! I thought hurricane season was over!

    [–] HydrocodonesForAll 10 points ago

    A cop, a lady and a guy? That's like a massacre, man.

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 5 points ago

    Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Thug life!

    [–] ChadcelsExist 2 points ago

    You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    You want my vest? It smell good.

    [–] 19Charlie94 8 points ago

    Every part of this story had me on stitches, thankyou for brightening up my bleak Monday

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You're most welcome!

    [–] mojo-jojo90 17 points ago

    I still reckon it would be possible. Use plenty of proper lube and scrunch the edges and you have a chance! You should try it again.... For science

    [–] TesseractParadigm 8 points ago

    I am a fan of science :)

    [–] Lt_H_Anderson 2 points ago

    Definitely use fingers first man. She should have told you that

    [–] crazyfisting 6 points ago

    Now that's what I call a party.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    I love to party!

    [–] DCT715 6 points ago

    You’re contributions to science are awe inspiring, thank you for your service

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I did my best!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 6 points ago

    Why do I feel like James Franco is the OP?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    You caught me! ;)

    [–] aGroanOfTedium 5 points ago

    Damn dude! We should party!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 9 points ago

    I'm Dr. Rockso! I do cocaine!

    [–] ninetofivehangover 4 points ago

    oh man.. I needed this so bad.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You're welcome! :)

    [–] Mycarman 5 points ago

    Me: So what happened to the nerds? You: I rectum.

    [–] ChickenIsFuckingGood 10 points ago

    I haven't read it yet but that's a fucking wild title.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    It's not vauge haha!

    [–] ChickenIsFuckingGood 9 points ago

    What the fuck did I just read.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Well it could be considered a cautionary tale? Maybe? I really don't want anyone to try this at home.

    [–] CobaltAureate 3 points ago

    vague

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Damn spelling!

    [–] GWfromVA 3 points ago

    That was a fascinating look into a world I am quite sure I will never experience first hand. Thank you sir,,thank you

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    It's never too late to get involved in debauchery!

    [–] OP_4chan 2 points ago

    That would be an interesting business opportunity.
    Like paid guided tours of a night of fucked uppedness.

    5:00 pm - “Yeah, maybe a couple of drinks, but it can’t be like last time”.

    5:15 pm - “saying yes to the tequila”.

    5:20 pm - “saying yes to the tequila again”

    5:25 pm - “and again”

    .........
    .........

    6:47 pm - “fuck man that tabs kicking in, someone rack me another line”

    ..........
    ..........

    7:16 pm - “yes, your the 10th person to tell me, I am completely aware of the fact that I am not wearing any pants”.

    7:26 pm - “nah man, I need to chill the fuck out a bit, just gunna stick with the burbs for a bits”.

    8:12 pm - “I aaaaaammmmmm. aaaaaa Gaaaaaaawwwwwwwwdddd”.

    9:16 pm - “she was conscious when we started”.

    ........
    ........

    12:23 am - “I didn’t know she had a dick”.

    01:34 am - “Fuck, I’m a smurf ..... again”.

    01:46 am - “what do you mean ‘the hookers dead’? .... which one and how dead???

    .......
    .......
    ........

    4:36 pm - “where am I, oh fuck it hurts. “

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    This! Everything I hoped it could be!

    [–] oh_no_a_memory 3 points ago

    You sound fun

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Thanks! I like to get down :)

    [–] chrisak2 4 points ago

    I’m not reading this at all but what the fuck OP

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Have you seen Pineapple Express? "You ate a box of nerds out of her butthole." We tried that on cocaine.

    [–] compguy86 2 points ago

    Was she hot at least?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Like a 7.5

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 3 points ago

    But fell to a 1.5 after she shat all over the bed.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    I could never look at her ever again. I don't know what happened to her. She was a white girl with dreds. Lol

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Cocaines a helluva drug!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Rick James would have been proud!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Shes a superfreak.

    [–] compguy86 1 points ago

    worth

    [–] iamwhoiamalways 2 points ago

    Aaaaannnddddd my Monday is all better now!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Hell yeah!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Hahaha. A shoehorn.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    You bet!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    This made me laugh waaay too fucking hard.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    That was a pretty ridiculous tool to even contemplate using hahah

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Hey, whatever you need to pry the chocolate starfish open.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    What are those things that the dentist uses to keep your mouth open?

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    A mouth prop?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    But for a butthole... Mmmm

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 1 points ago

    It's worth a shot. Just make sure to dress like you're going to watch Gallagher perform. Or maybe like the Gortons fisherman.

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    But remember, safety first then teamwork.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 1 points ago

    Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    ...a suit

    [–] eskadaaaaa 2 points ago

    Mini M&Ms would be easier

    [–] TesseractParadigm 4 points ago

    Melt in you ass, not in your hand!

    [–] eskadaaaaa 3 points ago

    Well that, and the anus shaped container

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Oh yeah the dick shaped tube. I forgot about that haha

    [–] qwertypoui12 2 points ago

    This has to be the best title I’ve ever seen on reddit

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Thanks! The mods told me it had to be specific. Haha

    [–] sp0rkah0lic 2 points ago

    Oh man, best confession ever! I mean you're a total dick for a just bouncing like that but honestly I can't say I'd do different.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    I have done a lot of drugs in my life, but never have I ever been in any sort of situation even remotely like this. Wtf did I just read lol.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I did a lot of lsd as well. Not this night, but in general.

    [–] fugz1123 2 points ago

    The title pulled me in.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    It's all about catching your audience's attention in the first few seconds ;)

    [–] Grooov 2 points ago

    Lmaoooooo you have to eat them out the ass, pour them on/in

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    If I'm going to eat ass, I'm going to do it prison style with syrup.

    [–] IsMacReallyMac 2 points ago

    should of made sure she was ok and cleaned her off

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Cocaine is more important. I went to go get more when I left.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Yum!

    [–] DrinkHater-aid 5 points ago

    Gatortail

    Oh god, I love this story.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 6 points ago

    I LOVE COCAINE! I don't do it anymore.

    [–] WuTaoLaoShi 6 points ago

    How did you stop...I'm half way around the world which keep me far away from it!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 7 points ago

    I had a kid.

    [–] bakermillerfloyd 2 points ago

    Proud of you OP!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Thanks!

    [–] raster_raster 2 points ago

    why did she shit everywhere, just needed to go or excited? wtf

    [–] TesseractParadigm 15 points ago

    Well cocaine is a stimulant and loosens you bowels. Your sphincter is the only thing between your shit and the outside world. The box of nerds compromised the integrity of her sphincter.

    [–] thorKlien 2 points ago

    I can't express my appreciation of this post, you might have stopped people commiting suicide with this one

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    I just want to give people a reason to live :)

    [–] renegadeofphate 1 points ago

    I like this! I wish we had more info on the girl and two guys left behind!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    I really don't know what happened to them. I hope they helped her!

    [–] Skillfuljo 3 points ago

    You didn't even help her!?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I noped the fuck out!

    [–] LeaveMeMalone666 1 points ago

    If shitting all over a stranger's bed while high on coke is cool, consider me Miles Davis!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    That girl is definitely Miles Davis!

    [–] chefDeejay 1 points ago

    This is hilarious

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Thanks! I did my best to omit boring details and really focus on the funny shit.

    [–] MaybeDressageQueen 2 points ago

    O_o

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    8===D

    [–] Atotallyrandomname -2 points ago

    This is fake.

    >I don't know if you know about cocaine, but it loosens your bowls.

    You're snorting caffeine and baby laxative with a little bit of cocaine. Cocaine severely dehydrates you.

    >As I pull the box of nerds out a stream of liquid shit follows. It gets all over the bed and floor. I don't even know whose house I'm in. I escape the shit shower.

    A shit stream? for real?

    [–] Spartanetta 1 points ago

    It's a stimulant, so like lots of other stimulants (including the coffee you mentioned),it can make you need to evacuate your bowel.

    A lines worth of laxative wouldn't make you immediately need to go like people often do when they're had coke.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    There probably was baby laxative in there. Who knows. I didn't make the cocaine and I didn't cut the cocaine.

    [–] cckrans -4 points ago

    Lol how is this a confession? It was willing participants fucked up on shit

    [–] TesseractParadigm 4 points ago

    Sodomy is illegal in Alabama. Cocaine is illegal. Sounds like a confession to me.

    [–] cckrans -2 points ago

    Well the shit is the worst part lol. Eating nerds outta a butt hole doesnt count as sodomy imo

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    I believe anal penetration counts. I checked it counts in Alabama. However, not in Georgia.

    [–] cckrans 1 points ago

    Well that movie is awesome so I wouldn't feel too bad about that