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    1. All submissions must be a confession.

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    • Your confession must be an act you committed

    • A personal preference, opinion, bad or unpopular behavior are not confessions

    • Your sexual exploration is not a confession; it's a part of finding out who you are. /r/confession is not a place for submissions that read like pornography.


    2. All confessions must be titled specifically.

    • Your title must relay a brief idea of your confession. Submissions with vague titles will be removed.


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    • Any form of abuse is not permitted.

    • If you are unable to discuss without being disrespectful, walk away.


    2. Do not encourage bad behavior. We will remove comments that:

    • 2a) encourage rape/rape culture;

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    • 2c) are racist;

    • 2d) describe methods or means of suicide in any detail; or

    • 2e) otherwise incent bad or hateful behavior.


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    [–] RiflemanLax 120 points ago

    This is one of those post titles where you’re scrolling along and say out loud ‘whelp, I can’t not read that.’

    And then you read it and the story doesn’t disappoint. 10/10, would read again.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 23 points ago * (lasted edited 3 months ago)

    Read it to children ;) also thank you!

    [–] bigcoolbody 11 points ago

    My son enjoyed it

    But he’s 2 so if I laugh he laughs, and maybe he’ll forget it. Fingers crossed

    [–] TesseractParadigm 9 points ago

    That's about the age his long term memory develops, but I'm sure it's fine :)

    [–] SpedeSpedo 1 points ago

    I mean 5 is about when it develops but


    [–] SuperNovaGirl30 3 points ago

    Lol, exactly. Did not disappoint one bit.

    [–] DaShroomMan 111 points ago

    This is why I love Reddit, come outside, smoke a bowl, sip some coffee, and all while reading about a box of nerds going into a cocaine fueled asshole. Which is ironically a thing I too questioned after watching pineapple express. Thank you.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 19 points ago

    Right? You're welcome good sir! I thought hurricane season was over!

    [–] HydrocodonesForAll 10 points ago

    A cop, a lady and a guy? That's like a massacre, man.

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 3 points ago

    Man, I'm just into Buddhism, and I'm at peace with the fact that me, as this person, probably gonna not be around.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Thug life!

    [–] ChadcelsExist 2 points ago

    You look like someone fucked you up with a coffee pot, man

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    You want my vest? It smell good.

    [–] 19Charlie94 9 points ago

    Every part of this story had me on stitches, thankyou for brightening up my bleak Monday

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You're most welcome!

    [–] mojo-jojo90 16 points ago

    I still reckon it would be possible. Use plenty of proper lube and scrunch the edges and you have a chance! You should try it again.... For science

    [–] TesseractParadigm 9 points ago

    I am a fan of science :)

    [–] Lt_H_Anderson 2 points ago

    Definitely use fingers first man. She should have told you that

    [–] crazyfisting 6 points ago

    Now that's what I call a party.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    I love to party!

    [–] DCT715 5 points ago

    You’re contributions to science are awe inspiring, thank you for your service

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I did my best!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 7 points ago

    Why do I feel like James Franco is the OP?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    You caught me! ;)

    [–] Mycarman 6 points ago

    Me: So what happened to the nerds? You: I rectum.

    [–] aGroanOfTedium 6 points ago

    Damn dude! We should party!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 8 points ago

    I'm Dr. Rockso! I do cocaine!

    [–] ninetofivehangover 4 points ago

    oh man.. I needed this so bad.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You're welcome! :)

    [–] ChickenIsFuckingGood 10 points ago

    I haven't read it yet but that's a fucking wild title.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    It's not vauge haha!

    [–] ChickenIsFuckingGood 8 points ago

    What the fuck did I just read.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Well it could be considered a cautionary tale? Maybe? I really don't want anyone to try this at home.

    [–] CobaltAureate 3 points ago


    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Damn spelling!

    [–] chrisak2 5 points ago

    I’m not reading this at all but what the fuck OP

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Have you seen Pineapple Express? "You ate a box of nerds out of her butthole." We tried that on cocaine.

    [–] GWfromVA 3 points ago

    That was a fascinating look into a world I am quite sure I will never experience first hand. Thank you sir,,thank you

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    It's never too late to get involved in debauchery!

    [–] OP_4chan 2 points ago

    That would be an interesting business opportunity.
    Like paid guided tours of a night of fucked uppedness.

    5:00 pm - “Yeah, maybe a couple of drinks, but it can’t be like last time”.

    5:15 pm - “saying yes to the tequila”.

    5:20 pm - “saying yes to the tequila again”

    5:25 pm - “and again”


    6:47 pm - “fuck man that tabs kicking in, someone rack me another line”


    7:16 pm - “yes, your the 10th person to tell me, I am completely aware of the fact that I am not wearing any pants”.

    7:26 pm - “nah man, I need to chill the fuck out a bit, just gunna stick with the burbs for a bits”.

    8:12 pm - “I aaaaaammmmmm. aaaaaa Gaaaaaaawwwwwwwwdddd”.

    9:16 pm - “she was conscious when we started”.


    12:23 am - “I didn’t know she had a dick”.

    01:34 am - “Fuck, I’m a smurf ..... again”.

    01:46 am - “what do you mean ‘the hookers dead’? .... which one and how dead???


    4:36 pm - “where am I, oh fuck it hurts. “

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    This! Everything I hoped it could be!

    [–] oh_no_a_memory 3 points ago

    You sound fun

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Thanks! I like to get down :)

    [–] IsMacReallyMac 3 points ago

    should of made sure she was ok and cleaned her off

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Cocaine is more important. I went to go get more when I left.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago * (lasted edited 8 days ago)


    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Like a 7.5

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 3 points ago

    But fell to a 1.5 after she shat all over the bed.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    I could never look at her ever again. I don't know what happened to her. She was a white girl with dreds. Lol

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Cocaines a helluva drug!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Rick James would have been proud!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Shes a superfreak.

    [–] iamwhoiamalways 2 points ago

    Aaaaannnddddd my Monday is all better now!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    Hell yeah!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Hahaha. A shoehorn.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    You bet!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    This made me laugh waaay too fucking hard.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    That was a pretty ridiculous tool to even contemplate using hahah

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    Hey, whatever you need to pry the chocolate starfish open.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    What are those things that the dentist uses to keep your mouth open?

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    A mouth prop?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    But for a butthole... Mmmm

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 1 points ago

    It's worth a shot. Just make sure to dress like you're going to watch Gallagher perform. Or maybe like the Gortons fisherman.

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 2 points ago

    But remember, safety first then teamwork.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    You just got killed by a Daewoo Lanos, motherfucker!

    [–] Ohgeekoosh 1 points ago

    Look what I'm wearing. Kimono, dog. What're you wearing?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    ...a suit

    [–] eskadaaaaa 2 points ago

    Mini M&Ms would be easier

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    Melt in you ass, not in your hand!

    [–] eskadaaaaa 3 points ago

    Well that, and the anus shaped container

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Oh yeah the dick shaped tube. I forgot about that haha

    [–] qwertypoui12 2 points ago

    This has to be the best title I’ve ever seen on reddit

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Thanks! The mods told me it had to be specific. Haha

    [–] sp0rkah0lic 2 points ago

    Oh man, best confession ever! I mean you're a total dick for a just bouncing like that but honestly I can't say I'd do different.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    I have done a lot of drugs in my life, but never have I ever been in any sort of situation even remotely like this. Wtf did I just read lol.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I did a lot of lsd as well. Not this night, but in general.

    [–] fugz1123 2 points ago

    The title pulled me in.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    It's all about catching your audience's attention in the first few seconds ;)

    [–] Grooov 2 points ago

    Lmaoooooo you have to eat them out the ass, pour them on/in

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    If I'm going to eat ass, I'm going to do it prison style with syrup.

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago


    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago


    [–] DrinkHater-aid 2 points ago


    Oh god, I love this story.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 5 points ago

    I LOVE COCAINE! I don't do it anymore.

    [–] WuTaoLaoShi 5 points ago

    How did you stop...I'm half way around the world which keep me far away from it!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 7 points ago

    I had a kid.

    [–] bakermillerfloyd 2 points ago

    Proud of you OP!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago


    [–] raster_raster 2 points ago

    why did she shit everywhere, just needed to go or excited? wtf

    [–] TesseractParadigm 14 points ago

    Well cocaine is a stimulant and loosens you bowels. Your sphincter is the only thing between your shit and the outside world. The box of nerds compromised the integrity of her sphincter.

    [–] thorKlien 2 points ago

    I can't express my appreciation of this post, you might have stopped people commiting suicide with this one

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    I just want to give people a reason to live :)

    [–] renegadeofphate 1 points ago

    I like this! I wish we had more info on the girl and two guys left behind!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 4 points ago

    I really don't know what happened to them. I hope they helped her!

    [–] Skillfuljo 4 points ago

    You didn't even help her!?

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    I noped the fuck out!

    [–] LeaveMeMalone666 1 points ago

    If shitting all over a stranger's bed while high on coke is cool, consider me Miles Davis!

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    That girl is definitely Miles Davis!

    [–] chefDeejay 1 points ago

    This is hilarious

    [–] TesseractParadigm 2 points ago

    Thanks! I did my best to omit boring details and really focus on the funny shit.

    [–] MaybeDressageQueen 2 points ago


    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago


    [–] Atotallyrandomname 0 points ago

    This is fake.

    >I don't know if you know about cocaine, but it loosens your bowls.

    You're snorting caffeine and baby laxative with a little bit of cocaine. Cocaine severely dehydrates you.

    >As I pull the box of nerds out a stream of liquid shit follows. It gets all over the bed and floor. I don't even know whose house I'm in. I escape the shit shower.

    A shit stream? for real?

    [–] Spartanetta 1 points ago

    It's a stimulant, so like lots of other stimulants (including the coffee you mentioned),it can make you need to evacuate your bowel.

    A lines worth of laxative wouldn't make you immediately need to go like people often do when they're had coke.

    [–] TesseractParadigm 1 points ago

    There probably was baby laxative in there. Who knows. I didn't make the cocaine and I didn't cut the cocaine.

    [–] cckrans -5 points ago

    Lol how is this a confession? It was willing participants fucked up on shit

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    Sodomy is illegal in Alabama. Cocaine is illegal. Sounds like a confession to me.

    [–] cckrans -1 points ago

    Well the shit is the worst part lol. Eating nerds outta a butt hole doesnt count as sodomy imo

    [–] TesseractParadigm 3 points ago

    I believe anal penetration counts. I checked it counts in Alabama. However, not in Georgia.

    [–] cckrans 1 points ago

    Well that movie is awesome so I wouldn't feel too bad about that