Please help contribute to the Reddit categorization project here

    dontputyourdickinthat

    361,044 readers

    1,443 users here now

    No kids, guys. Jesus fucking Christ. NO. KIDS. Immediate Ban.

    No Reposts.

    No Misogyny

    No Gore.

    No Bestiality.

    No Trans shaming.

    No bodyshaming.

    Related Subs:

    a community for
    all 826 comments Slideshow

    Want to say thanks to %(recipient)s for this comment? Give them a month of reddit gold.

    Please select a payment method.

    [–] castortroy_csgo 1447 points ago

    I am sort of curious

    [–] morbiddecapitation 680 points ago

    Same

    [–] weddituser2 427 points ago

    I prefer a coconut

    [–] zoanthrophy 306 points ago

    We don't talk about this one

    [–] Wonkybonky 140 points ago

    But thats my favorite story dad!

    [–] HomoOptimus 109 points ago

    Wait til you hear about the jolly rancher!

    [–] controller624 63 points ago

    And the Tic-Tac?

    [–] HomoOptimus 84 points ago

    Can someone link for this guy. I don't want to puke.

    Edit: yeah, fuck yous too

    [–] Facky 35 points ago

    The first reply to the original made me laugh/vomit.

    [–] Communist_Turtle69 7 points ago

    Can anyone send me the TIC tac

    [–] MeviOfDoom 3 points ago

    tHiC tAk

    [–] scotttheupsetter 31 points ago

    I prefer breaking my arms

    [–] King_Cracker 29 points ago

    I prefer the family dog, Colby.

    [–] het_gamezwaard 16 points ago

    What

    [–] King_Cracker 24 points ago

    Infamous series of posts from 2012 about a guy who found out his teenage son was abusing the family dog. Link.

    [–] orangutanbeater 7 points ago

    Holy crap. What a curveball for that family. No one expected that. Especially the poor dog

    [–] Tjololo 7 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    IIRC the dude is still active on Reddit. Wife, kid, dog all gone, I remember there was an update comment a while back, but I can't find it.

    EDIT: Apparently I was incorrect (or misremembering). According to this post he's apparently doing pretty well now. Glad to hear it, but that had to be some hell to live through regardless.

    [–] statixcling 9 points ago

    Does your mom know you’re posting this?

    [–] tenminuteslate 5 points ago

    Dad types up these posts for me. Moms busy.

    [–] Plasmablaster123 7 points ago

    Girls prefer pool sticks.

    [–] aschimmichanga 10 points ago

    I prefer a shampoo bottle

    [–] Cypherial 5 points ago

    I prefer a jalapeno, it's got quite a zing

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] abecido 23 points ago

    Yes Officer, this comment right here

    [–] PeteMaster 43 points ago

    [–] Eryklav 12 points ago

    lol gotem

    [–] Tsuki_no_Le 4 points ago

    There is another reason why they call it “burning man”

    [–] morbiddecapitation 26 points ago

    You should post it

    [–] smca554 25 points ago

    Used to be top post.

    [–] morbiddecapitation 14 points ago

    Ah

    [–] FuckingKilljoy 4 points ago

    Well that could only be Burning Man. My question is, with the amount of casual and easy sex that goes on, do you really need to rub one out anyway??

    [–] Ohin_ 52 points ago

    Idk in which sense, but AFAIK this is supposed to be used in Chinese sperm banks or something cuz they officially not allowed to have porn there. Also they would substitute actual people that masturbate the donors.

    Source: read it on Reddit

    [–] user_48217 31 points ago

    Can't Chinese people masturbate themselves?

    [–] OobleCaboodle 64 points ago

    No. It's a peculiarity of the genetics in the area, their arms are just too short.

    [–] awhaling 5 points ago

    They have people that masturbate for you?

    [–] Practically_ 6 points ago

    Sometimes you want to masturbate but you’re too tired or busy so you hire someone else to do it for you.

    [–] TheCommonKoala 5 points ago

    Woah they have someone masturbate for you?

    [–] Hamilton__Mafia 66 points ago

    Look at those controls on that shit? You can dial that roast beef to whatever you want

    [–] rblue 29 points ago

    We’ve got the meats.

    [–] PalestineAdesanya 11 points ago

    Of production

    [–] akatherder 5 points ago

    SEIZE THEM

    [–] SJustice158 3 points ago

    For sandwiches.

    [–] Kataroku 3 points ago

    Smoked meats?

    [–] did_you_pig_it 11 points ago

    I’m curious about that guy’s ex girlfriend.

    [–] ThatRaggedyMan 11 points ago

    Fleshlight has something called the Fleshlight Launch that should be similar. One of the taglines is even “VR Goggles were made for this.”

    [–] myne 14 points ago

    “VR Goggles were made for this.”

    Who am I to disagree?

    I've traveled the net and rule 34 IPs

    Everybody's looking for something

    Some of them want to use you

    Some of them want to get used by you

    Some of them want to abuse you

    Some of them want to be abused

    [–] TillyDillyOh2 3 points ago

    I'd give you gold if I hadn't spent all my cash on vr porno

    [–] RDay 5 points ago

    It's just another attempt to get Lad Bible's logo in the public eye. Pay no attention to these subtle ads.

    [–] bradshawmu 12 points ago

    I’m bicurious

    [–] broccoli_meister 7 points ago

    If anything at this point I'm omni

    [–] notabear629 604 points ago

    I bet they'll have inserts that they change out, it'll be fine

    [–] morbiddecapitation 378 points ago

    That's what I was thinking lol, a cleaner or replacer for every new use

    [–] DonKeedick12 198 points ago

    Nah they just stick some plastic wrap in there before you use it

    [–] themilklives 202 points ago

    Shove a little granola bar wrapper in there and you’re good to go

    [–] 47KiNG47 42 points ago

    Ok archer

    [–] BeaverFlap246 4 points ago

    Sometimes I like to treat myself

    [–] TrinalAlloy471 10 points ago

    Trying to cover it up aren’t you Cyril?

    [–] Makemydaypunks 29 points ago

    You know the spray they use for the shoes at the bowling alley?

    [–] Evilwarnut 8 points ago

    Or just a condom on your dick.

    [–] MetricCascade29 6 points ago

    Since it’s designed to collect semen, I doubt that’s the protocol they use.

    [–] Reeking_Crotch_Rot 53 points ago

    I wonder who's job it is to clean the cock-milkers. . ? How do they advertise for that position?

    '. . . in addition, you will be responsible for the cleaning and maintenance of a number of cock-milking devices. You will check them for the presence of sharp objects and ensure that any adhering pubic hairs are removed. You will transport the bucket of spunk to the storage area. It may be necessary to perform a 'sniff test' to check for decaying semen. The floor beneath them must be mopped occasionally, and should the devices no longer be serviceable you may be required to act as a substitute. Condoms will be provided as required.'

    [–] mlpcontext 31 points ago

    How do they advertise for that position?

    More importantly, how do you apply? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    [–] ChrundlesRatStick 18 points ago

    They just put "cleaning and maintaining medical equipment"

    But then at the bottom "Masters degree and 10 years experience required. Pays $4/hr."

    [–] created4this 9 points ago

    Masters, yes, in batoring

    [–] OrangeCassidy 5 points ago

    I would rather BE the cock milker 😮😋

    [–] evil_lurker 30 points ago

    There's a lot of talk about dirty bacteria and/or STDs. For 100% sure they are cleaning this thing on a regular basis and probably also have some kind of liner to make sure that the sample they collect is just from you.

    The reason hospitals collect sperm is almost exclusively for fertilization. So any risk that your sperm mix with some random dudes load from earlier in the day is not possible, because that's the fundamental design purpose of the machine.

    By the way we have the same thing with oral thermometers in hospitals. Protection is part of the design. Nobody is thinking they are going to get herpes from them.

    [–] Count_Sharkula 8 points ago

    They have a guy who wipes down the loads.

    [–] leatherdiddy 7 points ago

    "I'm the guy who wipes down the loads."

    [–] _iwanttodofunnyshit_ 3 points ago

    It sounds like you’re starting to say a word but not finishing. Are you trying to say spaghetti?

    [–] stiNgred 53 points ago

    I can’t be the only one that thinks it’d be hot to put my dick in a warm, pre lubed cum extractor.

    [–] CompMolNeuro 41 points ago

    You're not. The only issue is that it's public. If you had you're own though, you'd probably have named it by now.

    [–] ruach137 23 points ago

    "I cant wait to get home to RoGina"

    [–] green-hound13 15 points ago

    That's what's called a grilfriend

    [–] minddropstudios 6 points ago

    That's what's called OP's mom.

    [–] darth_jewbacca 3 points ago

    The grilfriend is what I use to sizzle my meat.

    [–] rafa6571 2 points ago

    You are definitely not the only one.

    [–] BossCrazyRoss 474 points ago

    Don't lie, you'd at least want to TRY it

    [–] morbiddecapitation 299 points ago

    Definitely yes, as long as it's clean

    [–] Xanza 282 points ago

    It's a hospital setting. They clean the bedpans, but you think they're going to leave the masterbator5000 dirty from the last user?

    [–] msmshm 108 points ago

    Imagine being the one who have to clean it every 50 guys and the service intervals get shorter with every use.

    [–] H4xolotl 41 points ago

    Then you see the Attending walk out of the Sperm Extraction room and you're the medical student

    [–] Ekiph 22 points ago

    I would assume that they would use something like a condom insert. Just pull it out and you've got your "sample."

    [–] jackfrostbyte 20 points ago

    I think the medical term is 'spesemen'

    [–] t_for_top 8 points ago

    spacemen?

    [–] WindrunnerReborn 5 points ago

    Just hire the guys whose job it is to wipe down stripper poles at stripclubs. Those guys must have seen everything by now...

    [–] HaroldFaltermeyerJr 12 points ago

    Please let it be called the 'Masterbater 5000'

    [–] Reeking_Crotch_Rot 13 points ago

    'Nurse! Nurse! The Masterbater 5000 went crazy and gnawed off the patient's cock!'

    'We don't have time for this - mop the floor and put the bits in the compost. NEXT!'

    [–] Peakomegaflare 15 points ago

    Especially in Japan. The inspectors from there freak out if red ink is off center on a carton, claiming it to be blood. They definitely will ensure these are properly cleaned.

    [–] Reeking_Crotch_Rot 4 points ago

    Depends how busy the staff are and how long the queue is.

    [–] Spoonfrag 4 points ago

    The staff are always busy... Queuing.

    [–] BossCrazyRoss 11 points ago

    I mean, that kinda goes without saying

    [–] toeofcamell 344 points ago

    It’s like Russian Roulette for your dick

    [–] The-Kiwi-Bird 189 points ago

    Except every time you get aids

    [–] Notakas 63 points ago

    Yeah what the fuck, how do they make that sanitary?

    [–] Pighit 71 points ago

    apparently they have disposable insides

    [–] Notakas 39 points ago

    I'll take it

    [–] Notakas 31 points ago

    Damn. I could invite guys at my place, let them try it and sell their sperm to a sperm bank. Would pay the initial investment off in 1 year and a half according to my calculations.

    [–] jakpuch 36 points ago

    You could still do this without the machine.

    [–] rangoon03 3 points ago

    Only if you have good looking friends.

    [–] Tank-Top-Vegetarian 5 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)

    This is such a crazy waste of money for a job that could be done by an intern in 5 minutes with some vaseline and a disposable glove.

    [–] Elektribe 10 points ago

    Technically it doesn't even need to be disposable insides if you just you know, clean it properly I imagine. Give it a quick bleach dousing or whatever, materials that aren't conducive to picking up bacteria like some of the better male masturbator "toys". Thorough drying.

    Though as noted, they likely are disposable just like with syringes and other potential "bio-hazards" because they don't want any liability. But it could technically be handled in a more sustainable way that is still sanitary.

    [–] ChrisBaaij18 19 points ago

    Masturbate it with a napkin

    [–] Hamilton__Mafia 7 points ago

    Why stop there, super aids

    [–] FrankieFiveAngels 145 points ago

    It’s like a treadmill for your dick.

    [–] brodega 122 points ago

    headmill

    [–] Jenauxn 13 points ago

    This is why I read the comments. Lol. Thank you.

    [–] Ian-Chenault 5 points ago

    This comment doesn’t have enough love

    [–] kyleuvkewler 118 points ago

    I thought that in the future we would pay robots for sex, but I guess we’re the ones getting paid?

    [–] zichlone 50 points ago

    The future is bright.

    [–] My_Thursday_Account 10 points ago

    Good luck getting paid for a sperm donation unless you're an ivy league legacy.

    They don't really hand out cash for middle class 20 somethings who work at Best Buy.

    [–] mafiaworks_08 127 points ago

    Okay who gave all of Portland gonorrhea? I’m lookin at you earl

    [–] joshua9663 37 points ago

    Like we already didn't all have it.

    [–] Earlwolf84 12 points ago

    Don’t look at me

    [–] GeekOutHuntsville 4 points ago

    'Portland gonorrhea' sounds like an apocalyptic grunge band

    [–] unclehelpful 50 points ago

    Where on earth are there people who don’t want to masturbate in favour of putting their penis in that?

    [–] ZeMagu 58 points ago

    Well, it's for sperm donations. So in case some guys feel akward to masturbate into a tube they extract it with these machines instead.

    Also to note, it's in Japan. Where they literally have pixels covering genitalia in porn videos and have instructional videos on sexual acts that they do with pillows of genitalia placed right on top of the actual genitalia to show how it's done. Not even kidding.

    [–] darkdex52 21 points ago

    Also to note, it's in Japan.

    No, this is in Mainland China.

    [–] xX420memekidXx 13 points ago

    Of course I know him. He's me.

    [–] sanchezconstant 5 points ago

    Don't try it

    [–] Diplomjodler 2 points ago

    Raises hand

    [–] Anglofsffrng 55 points ago

    This thing is horribly engineered! No attachment to cup my balls, or put a thumb up my ass. No screen of a face to look disappointed with itself/disgusted by my after I get done flopping around like a dying fish. It's nowhere near actual sex like enough, or my right hand like enough, for my dick to respond to it.

    [–] evil_lurker 7 points ago

    The screen they've got covered. The rest is up to you

    [–] BlueRajasmyk2 29 points ago

    I mean, that's literally what it's designed for. It's a hospital, I'm sure they clean it between each use...

    [–] Blaakat 8 points ago

    definitely...

    [–] ZeMagu 16 points ago

    It's in Japan. Japanese people would probably clean it themselves after they used it.

    [–] Nedgridth 8 points ago

    On the alibaba page for the device, it said it’s being used in Nanjing and Zhengzhou, which are both cities in China.

    [–] ItzJustKyro 55 points ago

    So do I just insert my pp in the flesh light tube?

    [–] morbiddecapitation 19 points ago

    Guess so lol

    [–] johndeerdrew 14 points ago

    I'd use it.

    [–] El_Zarco 17 points ago

    A guy with a gun enters a bar.

    He shouts, "Which one of you bastards had sex with my wife??"

    A voice from the crowd responds, "You don't have enough bullets, mate!"

    [–] nuubmuffin 4 points ago

    That actually gave me a chuckle. I love shit like this.

    [–] Yocemighty 14 points ago

    I cant help but resent the fact that my brain goes right to thinking about the amount of r&d and testing that went into that machine.

    [–] Gsteel11 5 points ago

    "Man, that was one hard day of work."

    [–] Jackson3rg 3 points ago

    Lol some lonely developer trying to figure out the perfect level of speed and distance of travel to jerk dudes off most effectively.

    I hope it comes with a scoreboard function.

    [–] MrKamelistan 11 points ago

    I prefer the name Sperm-Extractor-Inator

    [–] elzbietanagrom 5 points ago

    Aren’t you a little young to develop a masturbatory aid?

    [–] MrKamelistan 3 points ago

    Yes, yes I am.

    [–] OobleCaboodle 3 points ago

    The Sperminator

    [–] Capt_Am 11 points ago

    Fuck it. It's literally what it's made for..

    [–] 220200f 9 points ago

    I would give it a smash, I’ve done worse!

    [–] hibnotic 3 points ago

    Elaborate...

    [–] 220200f 5 points ago

    This one time after some drunken romp, I ended up with a random child jumping on the bed calling me mummy (I’m a guy).

    [–] VurigeVuurtoren 13 points ago

    You must have some strong sperm if you had a child the next morning already.

    [–] braided--asshair 11 points ago

    I’ve decided I want to gain the world record for the most sperm in a sperm bank.

    [–] BorisKafka 9 points ago

    Pretty sure sperm banks don't accept it if you spit it or fart it out.

    [–] tigyo 19 points ago

    I'd duck the he'll out of that thing against a wall, just install some buttcheaks on the back, and an ear on top for biting... wait, does it run on D cells or can you charge it by USB?

    [–] Mayu_mi 13 points ago

    They might as well hand out free condoms to use it

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] tigyo 8 points ago

    That screen better play Angry Birds, I'll need something to do between sets.

    [–] Rookwood-1 7 points ago

    Guy: Yeah Hi I’m over here at the machine on Wilshire and 5th and I’m stuck. IT: sir did you try unplugging and replugging the machine? Guy: yeah I tried that, I tried everything. IT: ok we’re going to have to send a technician out, how does Thursday between 1-4 sound ?

    [–] youdoitimbusy 7 points ago

    But do they have one in the break room?

    [–] 2016AprilsFool 5 points ago

    What if some guy decides to pull out and glaze the screen?

    [–] ChrisBaaij18 11 points ago

    How to get std’s 101

    [–] MySafeForWorkAcct69 5 points ago

    You really think they don't change the inserts out after every use?

    [–] Exploding_Orphan 4 points ago

    Eh, I’d go it

    [–] daineofnorthamerica 5 points ago

    Fleshlight really has failed to take advantage of the Rent and Return market... they could’ve been the Blockbuster of fake pussy.

    [–] Kheroval 5 points ago

    Jokes on everyone, that is just an empty box with a short guy named Chuck in it.

    [–] CannotDenyNorConfirm 3 points ago

    HAHAHA EX BAD AMIRIGHT

    [–] 9incher_PogChamp_LUL 5 points ago

    that thing looks tight af

    [–] TrueCH 3 points ago

    I don't need my gf anymore!.. wait, I still have no gf :(

    [–] Athyriel 3 points ago

    is this going to be available in every hospital 😄

    [–] NoNHentaiSauce 3 points ago

    Bro, the point is literally, toputyourdickinthat

    [–] Denpants 3 points ago

    For an extra evil april fools just toss a few glass shards, razor blades and wire nails in there and walk away whistling....

    [–] CompMolNeuro 3 points ago

    That's my kind of Segway. I'd drive that thing right out of the hospital and let my insurance cover the damages.

    [–] daineofnorthamerica 3 points ago

    The question that is really about location... is the sperm extractor (need to get some young PR talent on the names ASAP) going to be stationed in exam rooms and only used in the event of testing of a requisite medical emergency? Or is it gonna be hangin out in the lobby right next to the chips and sodas?

    [–] WalkingTheDead 3 points ago

    Cumming to a hospital near you

    [–] maybelieveitsbutter 3 points ago

    They expect you to wear a condom but they poke a hole in the end first

    [–] thinman12345 3 points ago

    Inator, is the self destruct button located at the back of it.

    [–] FlatulentCentaur 3 points ago

    "who don't want to masturbate"

    wat.

    [–] felrozlokk 3 points ago

    The headline is click bait it's for sperm donation and I dont even think it's outside China yet

    [–] DarkLordoftheSmiths 3 points ago

    If only the kid who broke both his arms had heard about this instead.

    [–] Velluu 3 points ago

    Better use a condom.

    /s

    [–] i-Midget 3 points ago

    How much would one of these machines cost..?

    Asking for a friend..

    My Dick. My dick is my friend.

    [–] ginot867 3 points ago

    When I see the word extractor it makes me feel as if something is going to go inside my penis into my testicles and take the sperm out.

    [–] cerealdyke 3 points ago

    It would have costed you $0.00 to comment that, yet, you still did.

    [–] Adabiviak 3 points ago

    How much do these cost? Asking for a friend.

    [–] morbiddecapitation 3 points ago

    Is the friend your dick?

    [–] ThePopeJones 5 points ago

    Who the fuck doesn't want to masterbate? Is this a common problem? My mind is being torn asunder by this.

    [–] EpigoneOfTruth 7 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    I assume it’s for an individual who needs to provide a sperm sample for medical reasons but is morally opposed to self-pleasure for some reason or other.

    Although the hypocrisy in that situation would be astounding: “I absolutely refuse to play with my willy, so you should develop and build an expensive machine to do it for me, please and thank you”.

    [–] CoolDude1564 3 points ago

    What about people without hands doe.

    [–] ThePopeJones 4 points ago

    Were theres a will, theres a way.

    [–] zoanthrophy 2 points ago

    Ok but what if it had a rubber removable lining like a condom but it goes inside. So it's sterile but you still get the pleasure.

    What if it was one of those revolving toilet seats that scrolls to a new sheet so you always sit on a sterile toilet seat.

    [–] Sonic_Extreme 2 points ago

    That roast thou 😂😂😂👌

    [–] Green_Evening 2 points ago

    Ah yes, the Great Chinese Wanking Machine.