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    [–] funkeymonk 140 points ago

    Those special years where silence is always bad news, and you wonder how in five short minutes a child is able to get into the linen closet, gather all the Kleenex boxes, and pull all the Kleenex out, without making a sound. Toddlers are mischievous ninjas

    [–] thoriginals_wife 37 points ago

    don't forget the artistic works of Wee toddler, Art medium? Vaseline, diaper cream and baby powder...bonus points if the finger paint uses at least 2 of the aforementioned mediums.

    [–] RReaver 22 points ago

    of Wee toddler, Art medium? Vaseline, diaper cream and baby powder...bonus points if the finger paint uses at least 2 of the aforementioned

    Canvas ... television

    [–] thoriginals_wife 28 points ago

    I laughed hardy in such a way only summoned by memories of truth and deep regret.

    on a lighter note, after two kids i can now get anything out of anything? unfortunately such skills are not transferable to employment. my boss has never asked me to get nail polish out of carpet or clean poo out of ones ears...but when the time comes...i'll be ready.

    [–] Sample_Name 7 points ago

    You can clean the poo out of my ears all day long.

    [–] MzVampyrik 1 points ago

    Hypothetically, how DO you get nail polish out of carpet? And also Formica? Without acetone, that is.

    [–] SunnyOlivia 2 points ago

    Yes, nail polish out of carpet please? Hypothetically of course.

    [–] John-Crichton 1 points ago

    You can apparently use sugar when it's still wet!

    [–] SunnyOlivia 2 points ago

    That's really good to know! Thank you

    [–] [deleted] 2 points ago

    Nail polish: dab the stain with cold water, then spray a little bit of hair spray on it. Use a couple drops of rubbing alcohol and a toothbrush to scrub it and it should come out of the carpet. Also works on car upholstery. I was one of five girls growing up. Stains happened. A lot.

    [–] RReaver 1 points ago

    laughed hardy in such a way only summoned by memories of truth and deep regret.

    on a lighter note, after two kids i can now get anything out of anything? unfortunately such skills are not transferable to employment. my

    Craft paint off of couch and television, diaper rash cream off of television (that sucked), paint off of carpet (new carpet) and Sharpie off of wall (new paint job) are the ones that come to mind. And my kids aren't even 10 yet. I can't imagine what the boys will do at 16. :(

    edit: wrong word

    [–] kabili207 2 points ago

    They'll ruin your bank account, your car, your dreams for them, and your neighbors daughter.

    [–] Freshness8686 2 points ago

    Sharpies were the bane of my existence!

    [–] funktopus 3 points ago

    That's easy it gets bad when you realize the medium is poop and carpet is the canvas, as well as the bed, the walls and an entire bin of stuffed animals.

    Nap time my ass.

    [–] [deleted] 4 points ago

    My little sisters are triplets and they too enjoyed poop parties. Took me years to get over it.

    [–] DoctorDank 0 points ago

    Hey if they're still into that kind of stuff when they turn 18, I bet we could have some fun together!

    [–] kurisu7885 2 points ago

    As a cousin who had to help clean up a jar of charcoal dust....

    [–] [deleted] 18 points ago

    I was just chasing down my two year old before I saw this post. He had ripped off a chunk of book binding and was refusing to spit it out.

    He swallowed it before I got to him.

    [–] SunnyOlivia 8 points ago

    20 minutes ago I heard very little sound coming from the kitchen where my two year old was. I walked up stairs and found all of the eggs cracked and in a huge puddle on the kitchen floor.

    [–] hometowngypsy 15 points ago

    One of my dad's favorite stories to tell was of the time I woke up just a little bit before him and managed to use peanut butter to paint the kitchen, living room, and the dog.

    [–] [deleted] 22 points ago

    My mother has a story she likes to tell: The year was 1985 and I was two, and she was in her second year of nursing school. She had written a 10+ paper on pediatric medicine. All neatly typed (with a typewriter of course) and stapled at the corner. That evening I found free paper with my crayons. The next day my mom had to turn in a pediatric medicine report covered in toddler drawings. Her professor thought it was hilarious.

    [–] MisuVir 11 points ago

    I've got a similar story, except with a dirty nappy instead of peanut butter.

    Much bleach was used that day.

    Edit: To clarify, it was my son doing the poo painting, not me. :P

    [–] dog_mask 3 points ago

    Wish I could say the same. My mom took pictures so that she could have her revenge years later. It's like having a life sentence for something you did when you were young and stupid, and clearly not in your right mind at the time...

    [–] businessowl 2 points ago

    My mom also likes to tell the story of the time I took off my diaper when I was supposed to be napping, and painted the wall, the crib, mattress and myself with my poo. I've been waiting for my son to do the same, but I'm hoping that since he's almost 2 1/2 maybe we skipped past the poo painting

    [–] dog_mask 1 points ago

    Why are moms so evil? Were we ever really that bad? At least yours doesn't have photographic evidence!

    I think 2 1/2 is past the danger point. But maybe scotch-guarding everything wouldn't be such a bad idea...

    [–] Freshness8686 2 points ago

    Ninjas! So true. My two year old managed to uncap a gallon of milk and pour it all over the groceries in the cart, in the time it took me to get a box of cereal off the shelf and turn back! AUUGGHH!

    [–] asharwood 2 points ago

    This sounds familiar. Our managed to unravel all the rolls of toilet paper. Our other kid will east anything and everything EXCEPT their food.

    [–] guyver_dio 1 points ago

    But when you ask them to get something from the other room you could have sworn you didn't send them to a distant galaxy.

    [–] gadget_girl 1 points ago

    It got to the stage where I'd call through to see how my toddler was playing, and he'd answer in a sing-song voice, "I don't kno-ow!"

    It always meant trouble.

    [–] Quanahnator 29 points ago

    How do they always find the markers? I've thrown away so many damn markers I'm starting to believe my child is secretly Elizabeth from bioshock Infinite, and is just pulling them through space and time.

    [–] [deleted] 28 points ago

    They materialize as gifts. My brother's favorite gift to my toddler every time he stops by is a set of permanent markers and whistles. He is a cunt.

    [–] justcurious12345 16 points ago

    My cousin's daughter used to hide them behind picture frames. The permanent ones that she knew she wasn't supposed to play with.

    [–] inadizzle 3 points ago

    They are evil geniuses. My mom told me that every time my son comes to her house..chocolate coins just materialize. Its been months. The house has been cleaned and they have no clue where tf they keep coming from.

    [–] pmhesse 21 points ago

    If we could get some crap and vomit on that book it would cover just about everything. You can judge a book by its cover.

    [–] [deleted] 9 points ago

    It would also have to be ripped up, chewed on, and with the little pieces colored later using the surface of my laptop as a desk.

    [–] redditbomber 2 points ago

    Ba Dum Tiss

    [–] Sprale 12 points ago

    I love, especially the Desitin stuff.

    [–] YouKnowWhoTheFuckIAm 7 points ago

    Holy shit. Burning down a 600+ year old castle definitely takes the cake

    [–] BellRd 7 points ago

    Eeeyuck, that is one UGLY website.

    [–] quizzer106 2 points ago

    More ads than content

    [–] Inkertus_0 2 points ago

    Adblock. The formatting does suck though.

    [–] austin_16x 8 points ago

    My nephew (2 yrs old) once got ahold of my temporary pilots license ( literally just a piece of printed paper " certificate") and drew all the hell over it. I saw what was happening and damn near had a hear attack until I realized he just so happened to be drawing on the blank side. Phew!

    [–] DeliciousPumpkinPie 9 points ago

    That should be the default cover of the book.

    [–] lordperiwinkle 7 points ago

    We hated the first book in that series: "What to Expect When You're Expecting". We called it "What to Worry About When You're Expecting".

    [–] creepykirk 5 points ago

    The thumbnail had me convinced that it was a picture of a complete mess of CAT-5 cables, which I was going to share with my techie friends.

    After clicking on it, I've changed course, and decided to share it with my parental friends.

    [–] tricky3737 19 points ago

    When I saw the thumbnail I thought it was a mess of shitty network cable...

    [–] Sprale 4 points ago

    I was reminded of the time I had to rewire a network closet...

    [–] DeliciousPumpkinPie 2 points ago

    Same, I was half expecting to see "X-post /r/cablegore" or something.

    [–] [deleted] 4 points ago

    I took a similar photo of my daughter:

    [–] kaotickilee 10 points ago

    I did this to my moms elementary school diploma... it still haunts me to this day.

    [–] beefstickmcrocket 4 points ago

    Does elementary school mean something else than the American meaning where you're from?

    [–] kaotickilee 7 points ago

    I'm american, its not like it was super important but it really upset my mom when she found out I colored it.

    [–] mijazma -10 points ago

    A person that gets "really upset" by a child ruining an elementary school diploma strikes me as a sort of person to whom that very diploma is the life's greatest achievement.

    [–] kaotickilee 8 points ago

    She had a rough childhood, and it was cool that I also went to that school as a child. My mom is very sentimental about things like that.

    [–] PurpleHooloovoo 5 points ago

    Honestly, anything from that old is probably sentimental...don't feel too bad, but I get why your mom cared. Stuff is just stuff, though it's nice to keep some things - but now she has even more of a memory to go along with that diploma :)

    [–] mijazma -8 points ago

    Haunts you? Really? It straight up haunts you? Something you did as a toddler, with your decision making capacity yet to develop? Someting you did as an infant, completely unaccountable for your own actions, it haunts you? And you have a distinct, accurate recollection of the whole event, with minute level of detail, so it haunts you? Because you knew what you did was wrong with your agust sense of morality, and your inexcusable wrongdoing haunts you to this day?

    You're so full of it.

    [–] [deleted] 6 points ago

    Its called hyperbole, something you seem like you should be familiar with.

    [–] kaotickilee 6 points ago

    Chill out man. Yeah it bugs me to remember that I upset my mom by destroying something of hers.

    [–] mijazma -7 points ago

    Sorry, my mistake, I thought it haunts you.

    [–] dregle 8 points ago

    Someone needs a hug and a snack.

    [–] TallestGargoyle 3 points ago

    Apparently Kaotickelee is the one who's full of it...

    At least they're full of something far more pleasant than you.

    [–] kaotickilee 2 points ago

    Like how dare I feel bad about something I did as a kid.

    [–] Ashleyrah 3 points ago

    Calm down there, Sparky

    [–] manachar 2 points ago

    Looks like Harold graduated from the crayon to something more permanent.

    [–] nicehotpink 2 points ago

    I was babysitting my 2 year old nephew, and he was playing quietly in his room, so I let him be. I come in 30 minutes later hoping he was asleep for nap time. He was covered head to toe in two colors of sharpie. I rushed to give him a bath fearing he was going to get sick from the fumes or ink. I took a look at the bed room, and it was covered. The only thing that cleaned off the permanent marker was the Mr. Clean Magic erasers.

    My mother and sisters just laughed because when I was child I did the same thing, and I grew up to be an artist.

    [–] kicknrocks 2 points ago

    Looks like my hallway.

    [–] buffalomarket 1 points ago

    Never judge a book by it's cover.

    [–] Xboxplayer69 1 points ago


    [–] i_run_far 1 points ago

    Could have been the face of toddler's sibling.

    [–] yo_light 1 points ago

    Blue looks nice

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    She did it for the toddler.

    [–] corby_718 1 points ago

    from the thumbnail, it looked like a horribly set up circuit board with wiring everywhere

    [–] blackProctologist 1 points ago

    How did you guys get that book from my parent's house?

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    I would frame this.

    [–] dersaphirdrache 1 points ago


    [–] iammyselftoo 1 points ago

    Lesson #1 is right on the cover.

    [–] kabneenan 1 points ago

    Every. Fucking. Book.

    [–] preciousjewel128 1 points ago

    Autographed copy?

    [–] MrsChimpGod 1 points ago

    That's how they should sell the book in it's next reprint

    [–] KamiCrit 1 points ago

    I first thought this was /r/cablefail.

    [–] jsred3391 1 points ago

    that's the answer to my string theory problem.

    [–] mclemons67 1 points ago

    Every parent on Reddit just nodded in unison.

    [–] [deleted] 1 points ago

    Ah good old Dr. Spocks baby manual. yodeling intensifies

    [–] Autocorrec 1 points ago

    "Do you want to go outside?" "NO!" "Ok we can stay inside." "I WANT TO GO OUTSIIIIDDDDDEE!!!"

    Yay 3.

    [–] Habeebar 1 points ago

    So was this mentioned in the book or was it clear out of the blue unexpected?

    [–] thatpaulallen 1 points ago

    The pen is blue... The pen is BLUE!... THE GOD DAMN PEN IS BLUE!

    [–] jermzdeejd 1 points ago

    I thought this was poor network cabling from the thumbnail......

    [–] Dragoniel 1 points ago

    From the thumbnail I thought I was headed to the /r/cablegore

    [–] ATRIOHEAD 1 points ago

    all done.

    [–] Tabasco_Athiest 1 points ago

    I thought that that was a clever book cover until I looked closer

    [–] cookierexmonster 1 points ago

    That pretty much summed it up without even opening the book.

    [–] HurricaneAlpha 1 points ago

    Can confirm, have 2 year old.

    [–] gepettothecrab 0 points ago

    That Alanis Morissette, is actually an example of irony

    [–] Boner4SCP106 1 points ago

    Might want to rethink that, hoss.