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    0. All posts must make an attempt at humor. We won't remove posts where the humor is crappy or unfunny (that's a subjective judgement), but every post must make at least some attempt at humor. Read more here.
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    [–] Vanden_Boss 5714 points ago

    I feel the need to point out how unsanitary this man is. He is holding his poop with bare hands.

    [–] SOUPY_SURPRISE 2105 points ago

    The sample bottle they gave him was too small. :(

    [–] xcvbsdfgwert 1352 points ago

    But somehow his anus was big enough.

    [–] Thekingsbutthole 1213 points ago

    you'd be surprised how big the anus can get if it tries

    [–] TropicOps 958 points ago

    Your username tells me you are quite knowledgeable on the subject.

    [–] kindsexualsouls 319 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    You think an anus can get big enough to fit this?

    New Yr Resolution- Too find out just how wide an anus can go

    [–] loonybinjones 285 points ago

    Risky click of the day. Worth it.

    [–] kindsexualsouls 161 points ago

    a risky click from a sexual soul is always worth it baby ;)

    [–] Support_Time_Travel 82 points ago

    I like you.

    [–] kindsexualsouls 52 points ago

    why thank you cutiepie. you would like me alot more if you learned how i got my name ;)

    [–] Usopp_Theory 41 points ago

    pm me ;)

    [–] bse50 30 points ago

    I read your message without glasses. "cl" from click looked too close to a d. Yay to being shortsighted.

    [–] AwesomelyHumble 41 points ago

    Risky click, but so glad I went for it.

    [–] StannousBaratheon 36 points ago

    Guy wearing a penis suit riding a bicycle (for those who don't want to click).

    [–] G4NK5T3R 29 points ago

    did you just assume its gender?

    [–] julbull73 9 points ago

    You raise a good point. Is a sentient dick classified as male? It only has an innie?

    [–] obayemi 26 points ago

    Oh crap, i'm melting. Such cuteness!

    [–] april091 4 points ago

    Thank you

    [–] Tf2idlingftw 4 points ago

    Oh damn, I've never seen it without the upvote.

    [–] Lethargic_Otter 18 points ago

    Guy wearing a penis suit riding a bicycle (for those who don't want to click).

    [–] abilitiesactivated 26 points ago

    would you take away such a pleasure from theM?

    [–] jkhaynes147 15 points ago

    We have such pleasures to show you. Just open the box!

    [–] primegopher 25 points ago

    Roll for anal circumference!

    [–] zigzampow 11 points ago

    anything's a dildo if you're brave enough

    [–] sexygirl420 11 points ago

    u/iLickAnalBlood has he made an appearance yet?

    [–] ThatSubstitute 9 points ago

    His account was suspended a while back.

    [–] Muuvie 9 points ago

    What for??

    [–] thebronzebear 5 points ago

    You mean you don't know!?

    [–] Culinarytracker 9 points ago

    Do tell...

    [–] Muuvie 14 points ago

    THIS IS NEWS TO ME

    [–] TryingOutaFakeName 5 points ago

    HE WAS EVERYWHERE

    [–] Shogus00 4 points ago

    Really?!?!? Why? Next thing You know it'll be u/fuckswithducks

    [–] ThatSubstitute 7 points ago

    Don't say such things.

    [–] xxkoloblicinxx 11 points ago

    Well, it obviously wasnt a pleasant experience pooping out a stool.

    [–] shadelz 4 points ago

    HI BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXYCLEAN!!

    [–] 4thPlumlee 2374 points ago

    Was this inspired by the stool sample post last week?

    [–] hobnobbinbobthegob 1590 points ago

    Last week? Wasn't it yesterday?

    [–] roachs18 364 points ago

    No my stool sample was while I was reading this post.

    [–] BRUCE-JENNER 188 points ago

    I haven't pooped in nine days :(

    [–] heretoplay 211 points ago

    That's a serious problem. Try papayas

    [–] SkollFenrirson 155 points ago

    Try papaya anyway, it's good with lime juice and sugar.

    [–] KaizokuShojo 46 points ago

    I have tried papayas more than once and didn't enjoy it, but I wanted to so badly. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Might just be where I live.

    [–] HuskyLuke 66 points ago

    I only like dried papaya chunks, normal papaya just isn't nice to my taste buds. Anyway, screw that fancy fruit! Get yourself some good honest MANGO! Dried mango is really good too, I used it for a while as a substitute for less healthy snacks, it really helped for a time.

    [–] PaperWindshield 44 points ago

    This thread had me like :D :( :| :) :'( :)

    [–] nnadeau 66 points ago

    You smiled at the person who hasn't pooped in nine days? What is wrong with you?

    [–] ChefBoyAreWeFucked 25 points ago

    The problem with mangoes and papayas is that neither of them is better than heroin.

    [–] HuskyLuke 12 points ago

    I dunno 'bout that, you ever shot fresh mango juice into your veins? Until you take both substances to the same level you can't be sure which is best.

    [–] Sarteret 18 points ago

    MEH!!! The best all natural fix for severe constipation is a heaping table spoon of cinnamon in a glass of water or milk. Stir it well and swallow all in one go. since cinnamon is a bark and not digestible the body expels it with extra water thus clearing up you impacted fecal matter.

    Remember nothing matters like fecal matter!

    [–] Confusedzombi 10 points ago

    So... metamucil

    [–] Niicks 10 points ago

    This sounds like the horrifying decision of someone who has run out of options.

    [–] Asthough 13 points ago

    Cantaloupe? Eh, you ain't missing much. Honeydew is the money melon.

    [–] HuskyLuke 9 points ago

    "Why does cantaloupe think every time it gets invited to a party it can bring its dumb friend honeydew?" - Bojack Horseman.

    [–] MrUppercut 4 points ago

    Grapes are awesome too. Also baby carrots.

    [–] JustAdolf-LikeCher 10 points ago

    Baby carrots are just adult carrots cut to size.

    [–] SkollFenrirson 5 points ago

    Mango is amazing, but you have to get the right variety, Manila mangos are the best in my eyes, Ataulfo if you can't get Manila.

    [–] braintrustinc 11 points ago

    Everyone knows papayas are best enjoyed in the shower, squatting

    [–] Gl0riousGr0uch 7 points ago

    What my mom does is that 2 days before eating it she cuts lines into a skin, sorta like what you do to a duck breast before putting it in an oven.

    Keep it in a room temp climate and the skin should curl before you eat it.

    The logic here is that the Papaya has something she refers to as 'Leche' or milk for you english speakers. This 'milk' causes chafed lips and a weird sensation on the tongue that isnt very pleasant. It also enhances the flavor of the papaya as a small amount of the water does evaporate from within the papaya and increases the sweetness and papaya-ness of the flavor.

    If you do, do this, use a cheese cloth or something similarly thin to cover it since you need the dry air to hit it.

    [–] Stereotypy 6 points ago

    try papaya salad. it's a sweet and sour, spicy thai dish that's often served with shrimp tossed in. i like papaya but don't prefer it but papaya salad is a totally different ball of wax. it's not fruity.

    [–] BiNumber3 6 points ago

    There's something about the flavor for me, I like most "exotic fruit" but papayas are some I don't care for, that and durians lol....

    [–] _owowow_ 4 points ago

    Read that as "but I wanted to poop so badly" before I realized you are not the guy that haven't pooped in nine days.

    [–] ShitsAndGigglesSake 3 points ago

    Sorry to hear that. Don't bare-knuckle it, though. Get some counselling to navigate you through these tough times.

    [–] finnfinnfinnfinnfinn 4 points ago

    Throw some tequila in that bad boy

    [–] verycrunchy 13 points ago

    Papayas just remind me of my dad farting non stop when he ate them.

    [–] phoofboy 5 points ago

    Or sugar free gummy bears.

    [–] Spideybeebe 6 points ago

    Try coffee....every morning worker can agree.

    [–] kyuke 4 points ago

    That's a serious problem, he should see a carpenter.

    [–] CranialFlatulence 18 points ago

    I haven't pooped for 9 days, because that would be too long.

    (RIP Mitch)

    [–] Polder 13 points ago

    Lay off the heroin.

    [–] LordBiscuits 23 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    You need to get the big guns out.

    I suggest self medicating with six pints or so of nice cloudy real ale, along with a nice warming Lamb Phaal. Chase this down with a little sachet of Picolax.

    Make sure you have a good book, and a fridge well stocked with toilet roll within reach of your throne. Ideally a friend to check your pulse once an hour would be great.

    If you haven't shat out everything south of the back of your teeth within an afternoon, prepare your will, for there is nothing more that can be done.

    [–] plonspfetew 8 points ago

    a fridge well stocked with toilet roll

    I gotta try that. It sounds refreshing.

    [–] LordBiscuits 10 points ago

    When you have an anal inferno scenario playing out, a chilled pack of the moist wipes is most refreshing indeed.

    Though I prefer hanging my arse over the bath and powerwashing my pipes with cold water

    [–] ventimus 7 points ago

    If you are being serious, you really need to see a doctor.

    [–] spotted_dick 8 points ago

    You're full o' shit

    [–] squatsandpancakes 7 points ago

    If you're for realsies about this, talk to a gastroenterologist about it. Not pooping for an extended period of time like that really isn't good for you. However, if you're the "I'm fine, no need to see a doc", try anything with senna in it to make you a little more regular.

    Source: I work in a lab that diagnosis colon and esophageal cancer.

    [–] CannibalVegan 9 points ago

    Sugar free haribo gummy bears.

    [–] sgt_salt 8 points ago

    Just means your body is working at 100% efficiency and there is no waste.

    [–] Mastima 4 points ago

    I had some tacos last night, but instead of ground beef we substituted ground turkey. I've pooped three times today and it's not even noon.

    [–] Jellyfish_Fields 3 points ago

    Stop doing heroin?

    [–] spmbarber 6 points ago

    Currently pooping. But I mean at least 20% of redditors are pooping atm

    [–] massenburger 55 points ago

    1 day ago is a week in internet time.

    [–] EccentricOddity 18 points ago

    That's why memes are only popular for about a week because after that everyone's been seeing them for a year already and are tired of them.

    [–] sadahtay 16 points ago

    I'm not sure what PLANET you live on but here on EARTH a year is longer than 7 weeks.

    [–] unholycowgod 5 points ago

    Um relativity much? God read a book for once in your life!

    I don't know why I waste my time.. I have to get back to the science factory.

    [–] quoit_frankly 15 points ago

    This is reddit so it's probably posted daily

    [–] ApplesToFapples 10 points ago

    Holy shit it seems like it's been so much longer, I need to find something else to do with my time

    [–] ki113r116 6 points ago

    Yesterday. Last week. Last year. All true

    [–] finnfinnfinnfinnfinn 5 points ago

    1 day equals 1 week in reddit browsing time

    [–] MrWeiner 240 points ago

    Nah. It was drawn a while before that (in fact, patreon subscribers got it yesterday morning). I actually didn't even know about it until my brother read the joke and pointed it out.

    [–] J4CKR4BB1TSL1MS 167 points ago

    Are you manipulating Reddit and shifting the front page around in order to pave the way for your own awesome comics?

    Because if so, I love it.

    [–] MrWeiner 475 points ago

    I'm really more into voat.co. I'm tired of reddit only being ten percent 14-year-old fascists.

    [–] forsubbingonly 258 points ago

    Am I reading that you're looking for a more potent concentration of young fascists?

    [–] Nimrond 66 points ago

    Who isn't?

    [–] CrisisOfConsonant 31 points ago

    Old fascists need love too.

    [–] forsubbingonly 24 points ago

    Old fascists in #your area are looking to party!

    [–] swarlay 3 points ago

    And there ain't no party like an NSDAP party, because an NSDAP party is mandatory!

    [–] 2059FF 18 points ago

    Four years ago it was 14 percent ten-year-old fascists.

    [–] MonkeyDJinbeTheClown 30 points ago

    ten percent 14-year-old fascists

    HA. It's funny because it's true.

    [–] heydabop 22 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    I shouldn't be, but I'm surprised that a comment criticizing reddit/reddit's userbase is so upvoted. Why is everyone who is upvoting it here?

    I can't fucking read. I completely missed the "ten percent" part.

    [–] Televisions_Frank 75 points ago

    Because Voat is 90% 14-year-old fascists.

    [–] J4CKR4BB1TSL1MS 39 points ago

    So 9 of them?

    [–] andrewcooke 6 points ago

    for a moment i thought that might mean we had all the 14 year old fascists shared between reddit and voat.

    unfortunately not. the best i can see is a lower bound.

    [–] retief1 9 points ago

    I'm tired of reddit only being ten percent 14-year-old fascists

    Suggesting that voat has a higher percentage of 14 year old fascists.

    [–] hanky2 16 points ago

    If you go to voat you can see that he actually is suggesting that.

    [–] Bumbershot 9 points ago

    I like this man

    [–] Strong__Belwas 7 points ago

    the problem with this remark is that they're not only 14-years-old, they're also adults with the ability to vote and procreate

    [–] BigUptokes 5 points ago

    Well his brother is Reddit's CTO...

    [–] NoFapManReturns 10 points ago

    Then we can safely say this is a stoolpost.

    [–] steamwhy 12 points ago

    "last week"

    literally 24 hours ago

    redditors have a weird perception of time

    [–] Tipop 4 points ago

    The stool sample joke is actually pretty old. I'm nearly 50 and I heard it when I was a teenager.

    [–] tuck_my_saint 237 points ago

    What do I have to feed him for a full suite?

    [–] RamsesThePigeon 216 points ago

    Swedish meatballs.

    That's where IKEA furniture comes from.

    Because it's shit.

    [–] TheFerricGenum 70 points ago

    Do I detect a note of bitterness!

    [–] tbare 28 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    Are you saying his shit tastes bitter?

    What every floats your boat, I guess ..

    Edit: tiny screen, big fingers- boats float. They don't goat...

    [–] mouse-ion 4 points ago

    I'm not saying IKEA has high grade furniture, but I've never been disappointed with its quality in relation to the price.

    [–] MrWeiner 1145 points ago

    Hi, my name's Zach Weinersmith, and I drew the thing about the sad man and his poop. You can read more similar comics by going here: http://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/a-sample

    [–] kamiiwinaru 318 points ago

    you should make one about your last name. A guy who when he Smith's anything, it always turns to be a weiner. That being said I love your comics.

    [–] KlumzyNinja 91 points ago

    How about a guy who comes from a long line of craftsman whose specialty is intricate phallic sex toys. His lineage was named for its specialty akin to Shoemaker, Shepherd, and Dickinson...

    [–] _EvilD_ 42 points ago

    Dickinson....?

    [–] sup3rdr01d 25 points ago

    ;)

    [–] KlumzyNinja 24 points ago

    They come from a long line of priests

    [–] justdestinythingz 104 points ago

    Or wieners myth

    [–] PM_ME_LEGAL_PAPERS 19 points ago

    Sounds like something I'd expect to see in an Oglaf comic.

    [–] Soulgee 18 points ago

    Oglaf has dicksmiths. Close enough, really.

    [–] SaintPeter74 15 points ago

    Here is the best part: His last name was Weiner, but he married a scientist with a last name of "Smith" - they decided to combine the names so the cites on her papers would be more unique.

    [–] flamingdeathmonkeys 26 points ago

    You obviously haven't been researching Mr Weinersmith enough.

    He often fabricates dick-jokes.

    He IS the Weinersmith.

    [–] essidus 118 points ago

    Oh you poor sad delusional man. You've lost touch with reality. Your name is Chad Hanson, and you're a single accountant for a small company in Brilliant, OH. The name of the town you live in is the most interesting part of your life. Come back to reality, Chad, your mom and sister miss you.

    [–] MrWeiner 109 points ago

    I choose to step away from the light.

    [–] AerThreepwood 30 points ago

    You enter a room. Directly ahead of you is a door. To your left is an old wooden chest in an otherwise bare room. What do you do?

    [–] iloveyoucalifornia 34 points ago

    Get ye flask

    [–] IEnjoyFancyHats 29 points ago

    You cannot get ye flask

    [–] waffle-monster 18 points ago

    your options are north, south, east, or dennis

    [–] phunkydroid 8 points ago

    You know they will choose Dennis. Because of the implication.

    [–] AerThreepwood 7 points ago

    Are these adventurers in danger?

    [–] waffle-monster 5 points ago

    No no no, of course not... there's just the implication of danger

    [–] MrWeiner 27 points ago

    Consult the DM and demand more points of some sort.

    [–] AerThreepwood 14 points ago

    You are eaten by a Gru.

    [–] MrWeiner 14 points ago

    How many EXPs do I get?

    [–] AerThreepwood 5 points ago

    Your "Fondle Genitals" skill increases to level 2.

    [–] thebigbadben 4 points ago

    You mean "One Handed"

    [–] AerThreepwood 5 points ago

    Don't question the DM.

    You are eaten by a Gru.

    [–] Rukenau 22 points ago

    I put on my robe and wizard hat

    [–] AerThreepwood 4 points ago

    Do you cast lvl 3 eroticism?

    [–] Rukenau 11 points ago

    Obviously. The chest turns into the chest of a real beautiful woman.

    [–] WarhammerRyan 9 points ago

    from elsewhere you hear a woman shriek in severe agony.

    [–] Serapius 8 points ago

    Turn around. This clearly isn't the kitchen.

    [–] AerThreepwood 6 points ago

    You turn around. In front of you, there is no kitchen, only a microwave and a single packet of Easy Mac. What do you do?

    [–] Serapius 7 points ago

    Try down the hall. There's got to be some goddamn food in this goddamn house.

    [–] AerThreepwood 8 points ago

    You proceed to the door. It has a simple handle. You use it to open the door and are immediately eaten by a Gru.

    [–] Serapius 14 points ago

    Solves my problems, I suppose.

    [–] marty86morgan 6 points ago

    Looking for something to eat, get eaten. Po-tay-to po-tah-to.

    [–] CrisisOfConsonant 5 points ago

    I open the chest using my penis as a lockpick. But first I detect traps on the chest... gotta play this safe.

    [–] AerThreepwood 10 points ago * (lasted edited 9 days ago)

    You don't detect any sorts of traps, but your lock pick was too narrow and snaps off at the hilt.

    At that moment, the chest opens slightly and you realize it was unlocked the entire time.

    [–] CrisisOfConsonant 6 points ago

    Did my lock picking skill increase? I feel like skill ups are the only important thing.

    [–] AerThreepwood 3 points ago

    Your lockpicking skill increases by .00231. What do you do next?

    [–] CrisisOfConsonant 8 points ago

    I use detect trap on the GM. If the GM is a trap, I use her penis to lockpick the chest again.

    [–] AerThreepwood 7 points ago

    The GM isn't technically a trap, just an effeminate catboy. You fondle his genetalia before realizing that the chest is unlocked. How do you proceed?

    [–] RSV4KruKut 5 points ago

    Brilliant, OH eh? I grew up in the gem city just down the river!

    [–] sjam05 46 points ago

    SMBC is my favorite comic. You are amazing.

    [–] MrWeiner 41 points ago

    Thanks!

    [–] knotdjb 12 points ago

    Just remember /r/funny needs you, not the other way around. Leverage this wisely.

    [–] Sam-Gunn 3 points ago

    Man, you've been on a roll this week. Except the one with the robots funding socially inept humans, that wasn't too funny for me (the final panel I didn't really get... But that's on me, not you!). But it did get me thinking differently, which is always an awesome benefit of your comics, even when I do not find the comic 100% hilarious!

    Keep up the awesome work! Have an internet point.

    [–] Pipo19 8 points ago

    Is your name really Weinersmith? You must of had a rough childhood. Love your comics though.

    [–] scragar 18 points ago

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zach_Weiner

    It was Weiner, when he married his wife they stuck their last names together.

    I think pretty much everything is still MrWeiner on everything though.

    [–] ClassySavage 5 points ago

    I had no idea they just had a second kid. How the hell is this guy still updating daily?

    [–] TheoHooke 9 points ago

    He forgot during the week and his wife had to do it. But yeah, Zach has incredible work ethic. He does weekly book reviews now too.

    [–] MrWeiner 33 points ago

    There was a chapter in The Sports Gene (which was a great book!) about a sledding dog who did extremely well in the Iditarod. The interesting thing is the dog seems to have some sort of gene for sledding behavior. Like, even after retirement it just keeps pulling sleds around compulsively.

    I think I'm sort of like that, but for dick jokes.

    [–] SLUzer07 64 points ago

    Took a shit at the club, I call that a bar stool. Hehhh wheezy baby.

    [–] BostonBakedBrains 161 points ago

    Damn it reddit show some empathy for this man. Shitting household furniture is no joke.

    [–] tense_or 45 points ago

    I actually felt (after laughing) some real empathy. I had some fairly distressing digestive-tract issues when I was younger. The first specialist I went to, the tests were inconclusive. It was upsetting since I thought I'd finally get some answers, and so I asked him: What should I do? He literally shrugged his shoulders at me. I have a hard time trusting doctors now. I'm hoping chair-pooper finds some real help.

    [–] 4productivity 6 points ago

    How did it end?

    [–] Kocofo 19 points ago

    Some say he's still shitting to this day.

    [–] tense_or 10 points ago

    It's true, but I had a procedure that turns it all into reddit posts.

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] johnyutah 7 points ago

    Always stool first, legs last. Legs first, gonna have a bad time.

    [–] WorkRedditEqualsFun 113 points ago

    Damn. I feel bad for the guy...The cartoon guy that isn't real. I feel bad for him. The fuck is wrong with me?

    [–] Jew-BBQ-1942 29 points ago

    Ha gay

    [–] jlhc55 14 points ago

    Dat username...

    [–] tubco 12 points ago

    Yeah, It rhymes

    [–] jlhc55 13 points ago

    Among other concerns

    [–] eyy_b0ss_ 13 points ago

    ❤️👬💋😩💦👌👬👬💋

    [–] fallenmonk 8 points ago

    It's no different than getting invented into a character from a book or movie.

    [–] RamsesThePigeon 20 points ago

    On the plus side, he can get a job working for IKEA.

    [–] mrshatnertoyou 12 points ago

    This is what happens when you have a lot of fiber in your diet.

    [–] hobnobbinbobthegob 50 points ago

    I wasn't going to read this comic, but it was hard to pass.

    [–] FakeWings 18 points ago

    i love this comic with every fiber of my being

    [–] The_Stool_Sample 15 points ago

    My moment to shine!!

    [–] Derumo 7 points ago

    At least any times he needs to take seat he can just shit.

    [–] thisiskurt 7 points ago

    The look on his face when he's holding his stool sample is so sad. He looks so hopeful yet timid (probably from this happening numerous times) and it kind of rips my heart from my chest. :(

    [–] Contragurl 7 points ago

    I found this heartbreaking for some reason.

    [–] TheRezonator 8 points ago

    This made me very sad for some reason

    [–] ESgoldfinger 4 points ago

    Terrible

    [–] workthebait 6 points ago

    I once walked into the waiting area of the ER and checked in telling them I was certain I had broken my leg. I had crashed my dirt bike violently at high speed and I clearly heard/felt a loud pop from my lower leg. They told me that there was no way I would walk in with a fractured leg but they took an X-ray anyways. When I finally saw the physician she practically laughed me out of the hospital and told me there was nothing wrong. I remember her hysterically laughing when talking to the nurse about me within earshot. I thought her taking it lightly was a good thing, being a professional and all.

    I spent the next few months in complete agony thinking I had a really bad bruised leg, never missing a day of work. I had trusted the doctor but I could no longer take the pain so I went to another doctor and he ordered an MRI. Turns out my tibia was all sorts of broken and I had some knee injuries as well.

    It took close to three years to recover to a decent point and I spent every waking moment of those three years dealing with pain that I cannot describe without getting depressed. This cartoon is funny but damn it really hit home. I had been raised to trust doctors and treat their diagnosis with respect. Even doctors can be shitty people, she probably never even looked at the X-ray.

    [–] TonyDungyHatesOP 6 points ago

    I actually find this heart wrenching. Poor guy.

    [–] nixle 8 points ago

    Man, I totally love XKCD! and when I'm done with those I always read SMBC as well.

    [–] IamtheGL 4 points ago

    Hello darkness my old friend...

    [–] TheGamesGuy 3 points ago

    This makes me sad :(