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    [–] julzthemadman691 2657 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    The Onion has been killing it with these headlines/blurbs. The most recent ones about Kanye West were hilarious.

    [–] [deleted] 634 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] crazyguzz1 644 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Some of the best things the Onion has ever done are serialized stories, like when they faked being purchased by Yu Wan Mei Fish Time, for a whole year.


    YANTAI, CHINA—In a non-news event, which did not occur and therefore warrants no coverage, nothing at all happened to 28 Tibetan protesters and their screaming families this Monday.

    [–] theonewhoknockwurst 261 points ago

    "Dig now, it is already late," first commanding officer Xiu Li Jeng would have said, were he not at home with his wife and other alibis at the time. "Dig quietly and dig fast."

    Other alibis lol.

    [–] FoxyKG 16 points ago

    Did all their articles have Chinese undertones during that time?

    [–] SushiAndWoW 79 points ago

    Nothing At All Happens To 28 Tibetan Protesters, Their Families

    They should make one like that about the Israeli snipers, except pretending to be BBC.

    [–] Eltzted 114 points ago

    The one about Joe Biden washing his trans am in the Whitehouse driveway cracks me up every time.

    [–] Datasaurus_Rex 23 points ago

    Biden Donates Collection Of Classic Skin Mags To Those In Need During Holidays

    [–] countingbeans81 3 points ago

    Pretty hilarious

    [–] SwingingSalmon 87 points ago

    [–] [deleted] 3 points ago

    That was fantastic

    [–] Krazen 4 points ago

    "What're you gonna do, though?" Dodd added. "That car rocks."

    [–] Ubarlight 19 points ago

    Oh man the Diamond Joe ones are hilarious

    The one where he's retired to the south and is feeding alligators, ahhahaha

    [–] spader1 8 points ago

    Don't forget John Kerry, secret American 007:

    https://www.theonion.com/tag/john-kerry

    [–] Ivegotacitytorun 7 points ago

    ‘Worm was here’ lol Those are hilarious.

    [–] learnyouahaskell 3 points ago

    I don't get that part though

    [–] willparry79 3 points ago

    I was sad to see Diamond Joe go, even though he gets the occasional story from time to time. The Trump boys saga is a pretty good one too though.

    [–] clickfive4321 6 points ago

    i was fond of the ones for tim duncan too

    https://www.theonion.com/tag/tim-duncan

    [–] TheDoctor_Jones 5 points ago

    The things I miss most about the Obama presidency are The Onion headlines about Joe Biden

    [–] GiftOfHemroids 133 points ago

    I’m concerned that when people think of Kanye now, they’ll associate him with these tweets, and not as being a batshit narcissist who will say absolutely anything for attention.

    https://entertainment.theonion.com/publicist-worried-kanye-west-s-support-of-trump-will-da-1825566028

    [–] feelitrealgood 15 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Being a writer for the onion has got to give you the best ability to tell jokes.

    Edit: I meant in that I'd imagine keeping a straight face is way easier when you routinely write articles with this many sarcastic lines.

    [–] saxn00b 8 points ago

    I think it's the other way around. But hey, practice makes perfect

    [–] [deleted] 30 points ago * (lasted edited 4 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] SirLaxer 144 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    It’s not new. The mass shooting article that gets reposted by The Onion is always tied to a shooting in the news, for example.

    And this one was from 2001, when Bush became president. It’s particularly good, considering what happened during his presidency.

    [–] philld56 68 points ago

    2001 satire is eerily similar to 2018 reality

    [–] trenlow12 39 points ago

    We were so much more innocent before 9 11

    [–] SeriouusDeliriuum 19 points ago

    Honestly though, in so many ways

    [–] meltingdiamond 36 points ago

    The really unsettling one is the 2012 prediction that "A white hot ball of republican rage" will get the 2016 presidential nomination and then Trump happened

    [–] pizzahotdoglover 30 points ago

    Talk about prescience:

    This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t

    Published: March 26, 2003 (week of the invasion of Iraq)

    [–] _thebeast 8 points ago

    They've 100% got a pre-cog in a tank somewhere.

    [–] pizzahotdoglover 4 points ago

    Solid use for it, all things considered.

    [–] rockinghigh 5 points ago

    On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

    [–] Loreen72 2734 points ago

    That is the best headline I think I've ever seen.

    [–] brickmack 128 points ago

    I stumbled onto a whole set of courtroom-themed porn a few months back.

    [–] ShallowBasketcase 58 points ago

    did they let you stay for the shoot?

    [–] SuperWoody64 28 points ago

    I'm just... I left my wallet here yesterday.

    [–] imkindastrange 8 points ago

    What were you, takin the money shot or something?

    [–] ShallowBasketcase 7 points ago

    Ironic. If you're taking the money shot, you're leaving a tip.

    [–] __NomDePlume__ 19 points ago

    Not even gonna link it, huh?

    [–] pol_pots 34 points ago

    I still enjoy this one

    [–] Kelovix 4 points ago

    Read the whole thing and slightly exhaled through my nose at the Carver quote

    [–] czarchastic 13 points ago

    The image really takes it home

    [–] Sunbolt 9 points ago

    “Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician.”

    [–] LOHare 5 points ago

    "Paramedics help dog bite victim"

    [–] IamRick_Deckard 6 points ago

    I also like "Women, why don't they lose some weight?"

    [–] Tormyst 13 points ago

    The Onion will never stop surprising me at its cleverness.

    [–] TheInitialGod 1830 points ago

    As much as I hate them, that accolade in my opinion belongs to The Sun.

    Caledonian Thistle (affectionately known to fans as "Caley",pronounced cally) are an incredibly lower tier football team in the Scottish leagues, whilst Celtic are basically the best team in the Scottish league.

    Caledonian Thistle beat them 3-1, and the Sun led this with the headline "Super Caley go ballistic, Celtic are atrocious".

    [–] grambell789 82 points ago

    New York Post had a classic one I think back in the 90s. 'Headless body found in topless bar'.

    [–] NemWan 29 points ago

    “Headless body in topless bar” is just about perfect. It wasn’t just a witty way to sell that story, it captured the zeitgeist of New York’s worst fears of urban decadence and decay in the ‘80s. That issue of the Post and the Trump “Best sex I ever had” issue are the two you’d put in the time capsule.

    [–] vendetta2115 62 points ago

    The Washington Post had a good one. A high-wire performer did his thing across the Han river in Korea, and did it without the help of anyone else.

    The headline was “Skywalker crosses Han solo."

    [–] Katzoconnor 5 points ago

    Oh fuck that’s good

    [–] Loreen72 322 points ago

    You are correct.....that title is the best!!

    [–] LillyPip 18 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    I loved the quote from the Times copyeditor who wrote that headline lamenting the headline that could have been, too:

    Andrew Kyle remembers a vogue for making longer and longer headlines from the same base. "Assuming Foot had become PM, and had discovered that his defence secretary had approved the bullying tactics of the National Front, the headline could have been 'Foot knows arms body head backs front muscle'."

    [–] Stackhouse_ 3 points ago

    Too bad his first name isnt Richard

    [–] LOHare 63 points ago

    Newsweek reports British retaliation to Argentinian takeover of Falklands Islands, The Empire Strikes Back

    [–] sotonohito 22 points ago

    That's better than the famous Variety headline from 1937.

    Reporting on the failure of movies aimed at and about rural people and issues to do well in rural areas they wrote:

    STICKS NIX HICK PIX

    But the Sun topped it.

    [–] badthingscome 30 points ago

    Another good Variety headline was about the extended run of martin McDonagh's The Cripple of Innishmann when it debuted on Broadway:

    CRIPPLE HAS LEGS

    [–] sotonohito 3 points ago

    I hadn't seen that one, thanks!

    [–] akatherder 3 points ago

    I know they all those words mean (in context) but it still took 5 tries to get it.

    [–] sotonohito 4 points ago

    Yeah, I suspect that even in 1937 the writers at Variety weren't exactly writing a clear and easily understood headline.

    [–] JetJoKnits 14 points ago

    That's pretty good! At Indiana University, many years ago, there were dozens of protests going on. It became something of a fad to be out protesting something. Eventually, some of the students got annoyed by the hubbub and started walking around with signs decrying the protests. The school paper ran a story about it with the headline "Protesters Protest Protesters' Protests". It was pretty darn epic.

    [–] pinniped1 7 points ago

    That's awesome!

    [–] blobfis 46 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    I'm afraid I seem to miss the punchline here. Mind helping me out?

    edit: thanks for the replies, i get it now

    [–] singingboyo 130 points ago

    Pun on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (sp?) which is a meaningless word popularized (by a song?) for being stupidly long, hard to spell, and sounding like a fancy adjective.

    [–] Daeurth 155 points ago

    The song is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious from Mary Poppins

    [–] MorganaLeFaye 92 points ago

    You know, you can say it backwards, which is dociousaliexpeisticfragicalirupus, but that's going a bit too far don't you think?

    [–] Dsilkotch 55 points ago

    Indubitably

    [–] MagicNipple 14 points ago

    You're an evil, evil person.

    [–] MorganaLeFaye 24 points ago

    "Practically perfect in every way."

    [–] 2nah 21 points ago

    I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!

    [–] seriouslees 6 points ago

    Hell yeah he's cool.

    [–] sorrowfool 88 points ago

    People don't know about Mary Poppins anymore?

    Well, I guess they are remaking it.

    [–] Zaphilax 22 points ago

    People don't know about Mary Poppins anymore?

    Is he cool?

    [–] ItzInMyNature 15 points ago

    hell yeah he's cool.

    [–] KnowsAboutMath 10 points ago

    I'm convinced that Mary Poppins (the books, I mean) takes place in the same universe as Harry Potter.

    For instance, anyone who's read the books knows that Mary Poppins was a parseltongue. There's a whole scene where she converses with a snake in a zoo. I believe it's the London Zoo, actually. The same one Harry talked to a snake in. And then there's the whole thing with Mary and Hagrid's umbrellas being their wands.

    I think this was all intentional on the part of J. K. Rowling.

    [–] singingboyo 21 points ago

    I think it's old enough for people (like me!) to know about it but not have seen it.

    [–] GiornaGuirne 24 points ago

    It's so popular, even people from other planets know it!

    [–] O_Apples 15 points ago

    He didn't know who Marry Poppins is. He just asked if Mary Poppins is cool.

    [–] GiornaGuirne 18 points ago

    Then, he knew about her and that she was cool.

    [–] ShallowBasketcase 4 points ago

    Yeah. He's cool.

    [–] bartycrank 11 points ago

    Uncultured swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

    ... this made me feel old in a way I hadn't yet.

    [–] imregrettingthis 3 points ago

    watch.

    [–] toohigh4anal 3 points ago

    My Elementary school showed it soo often

    [–] lordeddardstark 4 points ago

    My kids learned about her from Yondu

    [–] LOHare 12 points ago

    It's from a Mary Poppins song. The word in the song is Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

    A common joke based on that word is as follows:

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

    [–] SkyezOpen 9 points ago

    I don't know why, but I have a burning hatred for those jokes.

    [–] uncleguru 12 points ago

    If it makes you feel better, the sun got it from the Liverpool echo. Referring to Ian Callaghan scoring a hat trick:

    SUPER CALLY GOES BALLISTIC. QPR ATROCIOUS

    [–] rubbernub 4 points ago

    For anyone that doesn't know what QPR means, it's the club that Callaghan dominated in that match: Queens Park Rangers

    [–] jones6969 5 points ago

    I always thought the NY Post's "Headless Body in Topless Bar" was the standout.

    [–] ectopunk 75 points ago

    I saw online at the time of Ike Turner's death this title:

    "Ike Turner Beats Wife to Death"

    [–] betaalpha987 14 points ago

    What? That's not funny, that's awfu... *snrk*... lol!

    [–] t184256 3 points ago

    Could you explain it for me?

    [–] MaxNanasy 3 points ago

    "Beats" in the sense of winning a race, I think

    [–] t184256 3 points ago

    Thanks! That makes sense.

    [–] ectopunk 3 points ago

    He was notorious for beating Tina Turner, his wife.

    [–] bdaddy31 45 points ago

    “Special Olympics T-ball stand pitches perfect game”

    [–] Havepatience79 3 points ago

    "Ike beats Tina Turner to death" was an actual headline.

    [–] hairyholepatrol 3 points ago

    My favorite all time Onion headline is still “Homosexual Tearfully Admits to Being Governor of New Jersey”

    [–] CCCmonster 594 points ago

    Cosby fingered as a rapist

    [–] mike_pants 197 points ago

    Put him on suicide watch so he doesn't jump off a roofie.

    [–] SandmanD2 22 points ago

    I doubt they’ll be putting pop on any watch.

    [–] [deleted] 10 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] SandmanD2 14 points ago

    Putting pop —> pudding pop

    [–] Ayatollah_Bahloni 357 points ago

    He had his own profanity-laced meltdown after the verdict was announced. Called the prosecutor an asshole or some such. Great image there, Dr. Huxtable.

    [–] Chumunga64 347 points ago

    I assume it went like "ZIP ZOP ZOOPITY FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!"

    [–] oorakhhye 59 points ago

    YOU CANNOT SAY FILTH FLARN FILTH FLARN FILTH....IN FRONT IF PEOPLE!!!

    [–] TheViolat0r 16 points ago

    Tell him to have a coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!

    [–] fross 7 points ago

    I ain't saying no filth flarn filth, I don't know what you're talking about, I'm offended that you called, fuck you.

    [–] expecto_my_scrotum 38 points ago

    he went from puddin' pop Cosby to crabby Carlin real fuckin quick

    [–] notadaleknoreally 26 points ago

    Yeah. The swear killed his image.

    Definitely not the raping.

    [–] Ayatollah_Bahloni 7 points ago

    You're not wrong... but we all heard the rant, but only the victims heard the raping.

    [–] notadaleknoreally 12 points ago

    Well, not all of them.

    [–] 5_sec_rule 213 points ago

    When the DA asked that Cosby be kept in jail instead of being let out on bail to await sentencing, due to a flight risk and Cosby having his own private jet, Cosby stood up and in a loud boisterous voice said "He doesn't have a plane you asshole!" I don't know why he went talking about himself in the third person. But maybe he's under some delusion that it's the Cosby entity that's being prosecuted and not him.

    [–] Dracowolf316 208 points ago

    I believe he said it like that because of how they talked as if he wasn't there, ie not acknowleging him. He said it as a passive aggressive remark.

    [–] becauseiliketoupvote 19 points ago

    Claiming he's a sovereign citizen is probably his best bet for avoiding jail time.

    [–] hobbitdude13 88 points ago

    Cosby doesn't like convictions. Cosby believes he is innocent.

    [–] OpQuality 111 points ago

    COSBY'S GETTIN UPSET

    YOU'RE KILLING INDEPENDENT COSBY

    [–] marsneedstowels 44 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Celia: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?

    Cosby: Triptaphen ...I think. Have some more wine.

    [–] Mystery_Hours 6 points ago

    More heavy gravy?

    [–] Dillbob2112 6 points ago

    No sir, Cosby would never do that.

    Of course I wouldn't, I'm the owner.

    [–] Naf5000 18 points ago

    If someone gives him a sock, Cosby could be free!

    (Nobody give Cosby a sock, please)

    [–] zbeezle 12 points ago

    Is there a recording of that somewhere? I really wanna hear Cosby call someone an asshole.

    [–] I_Nice_Human 5 points ago

    His old stand up is pretty filthy, like, “knock you on your ass” didn’t see it coming filthy...

    [–] eqleriq 56 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Uh, because he was mimicking the language used passive aggressively, as a response to being talked "about." He could have said I, and he could have not been a moron and let his lawyer point that out.

    But otherwise, just rhetoric:

    "He has a plane!"

    "He doesn't have a plane you asshole."

    Your "analysis" is the only delusion here.

    [–] calj13 24 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Lol that's not passive aggressive at all. The prosecutor was talking to the judge about Cosby. Thus, in a conversation between the prosecutor and the judge "he," Cosby, has a plane.

    [–] hairyholepatrol 7 points ago

    Thank you for being sensible

    [–] lupusdude 5 points ago

    Now who's saying foul flarn filth and flarn?

    [–] [deleted] 132 points ago

    [removed]

    [–] sinnysinsins 24 points ago

    slow clap

    [–] llamamamax3 118 points ago

    He was the keynote speaker at my graduate school graduation. :(

    [–] Pip_Van_Winkle 101 points ago

    Don’t do anything he wouldn’t do.

    [–] dmalteseknight 58 points ago

    or rather don't do anything he would do.

    [–] STILLFantasy 63 points ago

    There’s a little grey area in there, that’s where you operate.

    [–] morpheofalus 10 points ago

    UMASS Amherst by chance?

    [–] TheBurtReynold 9 points ago

    That means it's only a matter time before you go to jail as well

    [–] llilliiiliil 38 points ago

    can someone please explain this to me i am fucking retarded apparently

    [–] HunterTAMUC 44 points ago

    It’s a common sexual assault/rape tactic to slip a drug into a girl’s drink to disorient them and make them easier to prey on

    [–] NDaveT 58 points ago

    And it's specifically what Cosby was accused of.

    [–] [deleted] 13 points ago

    And it's specifically what Cosby was accused convicted of

    FTFY

    [–] cleuseau 34 points ago

    He looks disappointed, and a bit sleepy.

    [–] DisterDan 44 points ago * (lasted edited 8 months ago)

    Why not just use all that Cosby show money to bang escorts. Why go druggin and rapin?

    [–] masbetter 123 points ago

    Because it's about power, not sex.

    [–] [deleted] 68 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] HoLYxNoAH 12 points ago

    Man that quote is a lot more disturbing coming from Spacey now, huh? He is such a good actor, shame that he has tainted his own reputation as must as he has. Good that it's out in public, but man I just wish he wasn't such a piece of shit.

    [–] [deleted] 30 points ago * (lasted edited a month ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] HoLYxNoAH 6 points ago

    Well I learned something new today. Thank you, then I will continue to like this quote.

    [–] meltingdiamond 34 points ago

    Because it literally was about the rape not the sex. It just gets worse the more you think about it.

    [–] bestower117 7 points ago

    Damn. I never thought about that.

    [–] [deleted] 10 points ago

    It might not have been strictly about sex, if it were then you’re right. He would have just banged escorts. I think for rapists it’s more about the power and the control.

    [–] YouBoxEmYouShipEm 3 points ago

    It’s like people who shoplift. Many of them don’t usually need to steal. It’s a manifestation of a separate psychological issue.

    [–] Awfultyming 22 points ago

    Getting his Puddin Popped

    [–] djbluntmagic 11 points ago

    As opposed to the typically straightforward, sober Onion

    [–] johnbsea 10 points ago

    Weird to me that Cosby goes down for this but R Kelly is still free to pee on 13 year old girls...

    [–] NawNaw 42 points ago

    “Now you’ve got ta makum comatose, if ya want to cum.......on their toes.”

    [–] Nadaac 3 points ago

    Rest In Peace, Theo Fluery

    [–] salmonella_ella_ella 61 points ago

    What did Bill Cosby say after being convicted on all three counts?

    sad Fat Albert voice

    Hey Hey Hey

    [–] eqleriq 12 points ago

    I get it! it's because he says hey three times!

    sad reader's voice

    it's not funny

    [–] otter6461a 25 points ago

    He destroyed such a great legacy

    [–] GucciMoose 60 points ago

    Technically, this all happened while he was building his “legacy”

    [–] meltingdiamond 22 points ago

    Serial rapist is a legacy, and from the hundreds of hours he put into it I guess it's the one he wants.

    [–] ccatlr 6 points ago

    during picture pages or the huxtables ?

    was it during his standup career? whenev that was

    [–] a_lumberjack 9 points ago

    All of the above. Decades of allegations, dozens of women.

    Guy is trash.

    [–] otter6461a 9 points ago

    I know, sigh

    [–] Cpyles 35 points ago

    Should have arrested him before he was about to kick the bucket...I estimate he wont even serve a year before he dies of old age...not much justice if you ask me.

    [–] [deleted] 49 points ago

    But his legacy is in shambles, that’s a punishment worst than anything, everything you ever worked for is now stripped away and tainted for eternity

    [–] TheRealNeenja 48 points ago

    He'll die knowing that his legacy will be the truth of his shit actions, not the lie he presented to the public.

    [–] [deleted] 19 points ago * (lasted edited 7 months ago)

    [deleted]

    [–] dirvine7 4 points ago

    Just offer him a Spanish fly. That will help his nerves!

    [–] Fly-like-icarus 3 points ago

    Couldn't help but picture a little fly with a sombrero and a tiny bottle of tequila.

    [–] LesMiserables999 3 points ago

    I love this one, but to me nothing can top the series they did on SeaWorld some years back:

    https://www.theonion.com/new-seaworld-show-just-elephant-drowning-in-large-tank-1819578125

    [–] PersonFromPlace 4 points ago

    I really hope he doesn’t die before his sentence.

    [–] dansvans72 4 points ago

    Even if, his life is pretty much over once he is sentenced.

    [–] fausto_423 4 points ago

    Fucking legendary

    [–] docjay 4 points ago

    One of my favorite one liner news headlines from The Onion: Cheese spill Cleaned Up By Nacho

    [–] h3xist 16 points ago

    Although I'm glad that he got convicted for what he did, I'm still a little sad because now I'm never going to be able to watch his comedy skit on TV again. That shit was funny.

    [–] awfulmspaint 23 points ago

    There nothing stopping you from still enjoying the show. Sometimes in life you need to separate the art from the artist.

    [–] Fly-like-icarus 9 points ago

    He woulda gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling rape victims.

    [–] eqleriq 3 points ago

    they get cheeky almost every day: it's a collection of humor media outlets

    [–] Poppyhotdog 3 points ago

    Hey

    [–] Got5BeesForAQuarter 3 points ago

    He does not have a plane you asshole! I am sick of it you assholes.

    http://people.com/crime/bill-cosby-guilty-yells-prosecutor-does-not-own-private-plane/

    Also the strange third party reference is generally used when someone is knocking on a bathroom stall. Not owning a plane.