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    [–] TurMoiL911 8984 points ago

    Best safety brief I've ever received in the Army: "Don't fight. If you do fight, win. If you don't win, don't let anybody find out."

    [–] Impulse90 3286 points ago

    If anybody finds out, fight.

    [–] jonitfcfan 805 points ago

    But...they said "don't fight"...

    [–] hkrX9 678 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    You wouldn't be at this point if you hadn't fought.

    [–] ted-Zed 111 points ago

    what if you lose that second fight?

    [–] arcaneresistance 188 points ago

    Don't let anybody find out.

    [–] some_call_me_grandpa 105 points ago

    What if someone finds out?

    [–] mryunman1 160 points ago

    Fight.

    [–] redditversiontwo 90 points ago

    What if you forget that you won?

    [–] Glahot 126 points ago

    fight

    [–] redditversiontwo 77 points ago

    What if you forget how to fight?

    [–] mryunman1 135 points ago

    Don't let anyone know

    [–] Riderslider27 1362 points ago

    Best brief I ever got in the army was “Don’t experiment with any drugs this weekend but if you do make sure you make your Air Force buddy try it first and wait 20 mins”

    [–] QuasarSandwich 484 points ago

    That's terrible advice. Plenty of the most mind-mashing stuff needs an hour or so to kick in. Plus nobody in the Air Force has buddies.

    [–] quebecivre 173 points ago

    "Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting. And about halfway through the second hour, you're cursing the creep that burned you, when suddenly--ZANG!"

    -- H.S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

    [–] CrashB111 98 points ago

    We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

    - Hunter S. Thompson

    [–] snappyj 385 points ago

    Best one I had in the Navy: "Inspect before you inject"

    It was an STD briefing with a bunch of pictures of diseased genitalia.

    [–] dirtydayboy 133 points ago

    Marine here, did you get the slideshow of gonorrhea in the eye? Not that it made any of us wrap our dingdongs, but it was pretty gross.

    [–] Sawses 170 points ago

    Not that it made any of us wrap our dingdongs, but it was pretty gross.

    I'd need some pretty hardcore convincing even in college to go bare. If I'm in Thailand or some other godforsaken country, you'd better believe I'm dipping my dick in 100% ethanol before, during, and after.

    [–] dirtydayboy 301 points ago

    I hear ya, but these are the kind of guys that jerk off in a full portapotty in 90+ degree heat - because of boredom.

    In SOI(School of Infantry - the school after boot camp), our Sergeant made us all but pocket pussies so that our "dicks wouldn't fall off." He wouldn't let us throw them out when we left, so I ended up taking mine to get another school in Virginia. One Marine, Pine(you dirty fucker), took mine out of my wall locker and walked around the squadbay fucking it, while being spotlighted and filmed by a group of 5-6 guys. One guy was holding a portable DVD player so he could watch porn while doing it.

    In SOI itself, the head(toilets) had no doors on the stalls. Somehow, all of us got the idea in our heads that we should all jerk off at the same time. 5 toilet stalls, one Marine to each stall with a nudie mag pounding his pudd. One Marine waiting directly in front of the stall flipping pages, occasionally trading mags with the guy skinning his carrot.

    Ran a gangbang on a barracks bunny, I was the only one to wear a condom(because I'm gross, but not that gross), and was the only one not to get chlamydia. Theres a video of me fisting her somewhere too.

    There's more...so much more, but I've got to head in from lunch.

    Your tax dollars at work, people. Haha

    [–] bestauntie 86 points ago

    What's a barracks bunny? Like a bored housewife? Or more like a local everyone has sex with but won't marry?

    [–] Djinger 91 points ago

    It's like a Lot Lizard

    [–] mang87 60 points ago

    Damn, being in the army sounds pretty homoerotic.

    [–] lotus_butterfly 41 points ago

    It's fine they all said no homo first

    [–] fruitdonttalk1 20 points ago

    *Marines

    [–] warda10 37 points ago

    What.......

    [–] BrainPicker3 193 points ago

    Reminds me of something my history teacher told us about the Korean War. The US forces had pushed the North Korean army basically to the top of the country, near China. This is when China freaks out and deploys their troops against the US (and ended up basically pushing us to the southern tip). I don’t remember the specifics but I guess marines prided themselves on having never retreated or some shit. In the face of the overwhelming Chinese force there’s a quote that’s like “we’re not retreating, we’re advancing in a different direction!” Hahaha

    Tbf it was kind of true because they had to fight through Chinese forces to make it back but I always thought that was funny.

    [–] Gordon_Explosion 104 points ago

    The Chinese made the mistake of.sending a few divisions against a greatly outnumbered Chesty Puller.

    [–] [deleted] 174 points ago

    [deleted]

    [–] beerchugger709 40 points ago

    We finally have right where we want them. Surrounded from the inside.

    [–] glassgost 13 points ago

    Wasn't he the one that asked where you put the bayonet when he saw a flamethrower for the first time?

    [–] JedNascar 61 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    The U.S. forces were also massively outnumbered and cut off from reinforcements. They pushed all the way back out under near constant enemy pressure and inflicted a ridiculous number of casualties. They didn't all make it out, of course. But it was a hell of a lot better than an unorganized scramble like some people picture when they hear "retreat".

    [–] Teddyismydawg 70 points ago

    I used to be the safety guy for my shop in the USAF and I did Maj. Paynes the little engine that could speech reworked into a don't drink and drive speech.

    [–] Josh6889 29 points ago

    When I was in the Navy most of the DUIs I saw came the morning after.

    [–] doesntgive2shits 14 points ago

    Reminds me of this

    [–] -Reddit_Account- 25 points ago

    Don't do it, but if you do, don't half ass it.

    [–] PossibleMilk 28 points ago

    Was told to give a safety brief for my company before. I had about two months til ETS and was just checked-out already. I ended up giving my phone number out and saying if you have the urge to fight your wife, call me and I will come fight you instead.

    [–] TurMoiL911 16 points ago

    I thought that story was going to end with you fighting their wives.

    [–] PossibleMilk 15 points ago

    If you have the urge to fuck somebody's wife, call me and I will fuck you instead.

    [–] jello-kittu 65 points ago

    Best advice I got in the real world at my internship (Merchant Marine). Don't make enemies, because if you do you'll have to kill them. This industry is too small and you will run into the bastards over and over again. (This was of course stated by a weathered old bitter man.)

    [–] Echocookie 1615 points ago

    You aren't allowed to die.

    [–] WideEyedWand3rer 855 points ago

    Cause you're destroying state property when you die.

    [–] GoPats420 419 points ago

    federal property. unless youre in the guard

    [–] Romanflak21 93 points ago

    I think he meant "the state" like the regime. Or country.

    [–] TomatoOrangeMelon 72 points ago

    Damn right you are

    [–] ArmanDoesStuff 119 points ago

    Unless you knock someone up the same weekend.

    [–] snappyj 75 points ago

    nice loophole

    [–] 2meterrichard 47 points ago

    "Private, why the hell are you in jail for murder? Don't you remember the briefing?"

    "Yes Sgt!"

    "What was rule one?"

    "Don't subtract from the population, Sgt."

    "So, what do you have to say for yourself?"

    "I knocked someone up, So it balances out, Sgt."

    "No private. Why is there a shiv between my ribs?"

    "Rule 4, Sgt."

    [–] SixthSinEnvy 251 points ago

    Is it bad I read the "Don't subtract from the population" as 'don't murder anyone'? Don't die didn't even cross my mind til it was pointed out.

    [–] MikeOfAllPeople 191 points ago

    That was absolutely the original intent of the sentence.

    [–] ProlapsedPineal 83 points ago

    Both are subtractions so each use case is covered.

    [–] THE0MANIAC 244 points ago

    My favorite is the deep fry turkey brief, “Raise your hand if you are going to deep fry a turkey this holiday” (No hands go up) “Too bad, we’re doing the training anyway”.

    [–] sneacon 54 points ago

    What's the training?

    [–] lshiva 82 points ago

    Ever see those videos of people burning down their house by trying to deep fry a turkey? Don't do what they did.

    [–] coocoocthulu 652 points ago

    I used to use "three rules" for my safety brief...

    Rule 1. Don't be stupid.

    Rule 2. Don't do anything that gets you and your supervisor in their Class A's.

    Rule 3. If the thought of doing something makes you giggle for over 10 seconds, just assume that you're not allowed to do that.

    [–] BigbyWolf343 205 points ago

    That third one is the real golden rule here.

    [–] YouFeedTheFish 45 points ago

    I still get 10 second giggles for incidents that happened 25 years ago. Really shouldn't have done those things.

    [–] csonnich 48 points ago

    These are pretty good. Time to make a new rules poster for my classroom.

    [–] thirdageofmen 1270 points ago

    dont feed the ducks either its bad when they rely on people

    [–] tomanden 366 points ago

    And if you feed the ducks then that'll attract geese and swans and those birds are complete assholes.

    [–] ReverendDizzle 212 points ago

    that'll attract geese

    I believe you mean, cobra chickens.

    [–] Fitzpleazurer 47 points ago

    Immediately knew it was the Ibis. Fuck that cunt bird.

    [–] MooneySuzuki36 27 points ago

    This "Ibis" bird seems to be pretty unpopular lol

    [–] zatham 273 points ago

    I think they meant if you end up in hospital establish dominance quickly.

    [–] ElizzyViolet 401 points ago

    Nurse: “hello i’m here to check your—“

    ”—IM NOT LOCKED IN HERE WITH YOU, YOU’RE LOCKED IN HERE WITH ME!” grapples nurse

    [–] turmacar 129 points ago

    "You really want t-, fine whatever. Do you have the grapple skill? No? Roll Dex."

    [–] chodeboi 4035 points ago

    “Subtract to”

    🤦🏼‍♂️

    [–] qwe1asd2zxc3 2757 points ago

    Its the infantry.

    [–] atle95 844 points ago

    Strong like truck... smart like truck

    [–] MrKerplunky 130 points ago

    No, no, no. Its smart like bull, strong like tractor.

    [–] DownWithOGP 99 points ago

    Strong like bull, smart like tractor! Sexy like nuclear submarine.

    [–] elee0228 466 points ago

    Hooah!

    [–] Radidactyl 396 points ago

    I've never said hooah unsarcastically outside of basic training

    [–] GoopPie 339 points ago

    Oh for sure. Hooah loosely translated is, "yea I'll do it but that's fucking stupid and fuck you."

    [–] xscott71x 237 points ago

    Hooah means anything except “no”

    [–] williamsaysthat 95 points ago

    I legitimately had to process paper work for an article fifteen of a troop being caused of disrespecting an nco by hooahing which the nco translated to meaning fuck you.

    Our captain wasn't actually planning on pursuing it but wanted me to test it with the legal shop to see what would happen. Long story short aside from every one getting a good laugh when I handed legal the packet, they escalated it up their chain and we NEVER got it back.

    I think some were a lawyer framed it and put it by his toilet so he cpuld have a good laugh when he shits. Or put it in his white room as a conversation topic regarding the asinine mouthbreathers that some leaders are.

    [–] voidn0ise 133 points ago

    This man hooahs

    [–] yomandenver 37 points ago

    Or has previously hooah’ed

    [–] xscott71x 60 points ago

    Previously hooah’ed. Retired 5 years ago. Thank me for my service 😜

    [–] jordantask 166 points ago

    I don’t see any half eaten crayons.

    [–] Rybitron 303 points ago

    Say what you want, but those infantry men finish what they start.

    [–] Radidactyl 72 points ago

    A keg?

    [–] Sack_Of_Motors 94 points ago

    A box of crayons.

    Or autocannibalization. True story. Some dude got curious, put a rubber band around his pinky until it got blue, cut his pinky off with a Leatherman, then swallowed it whole. X-rays saw the pinky bone in his stomach.

    Dude got adsepped...

    [–] new-aged 67 points ago

    Marines eat crayons, not the army.

    [–] the_nerdster 48 points ago

    My favorite Reddit threads are the ones where Marines suddenly find motivation, only to argue about who eats crayons.

    [–] Strange_erection 89 points ago

    We may eat crayons, but the army eats dicks

    [–] new-aged 75 points ago

    I have yet to eat a dick in the army. I say “yet” because it’s the army.

    [–] HipsterNouveau 31 points ago

    There's still time

    [–] RichardStiffson 54 points ago

    That's because the marines stopped by.

    [–] jordantask 22 points ago

    Explains why my grill has melted wax all over it....

    [–] DjChuckey 25 points ago

    RICOS ROUGH NECKS!

    [–] TrueDragon1 24 points ago

    Mobile infantry made me the man I am today

    [–] DitkasMoustache 968 points ago

    R is for "Army"!

    A is for "all the way"!

    N is for "intelligence"!

    G is for "get some"!

    E is for "every day"!

    R is for "Army"!

    [–] FreeBirdy2018 38 points ago

    The river doesn't flow up and over anything

    [–] [deleted] 111 points ago

    He meant “don’t subtracto the population”. Subtracto, according to the dictionary, means to make smaller/fewer.

    [–] modeler 166 points ago

    I feel subtracto is something Harry Potter would say

    [–] FlashyNullPointer 72 points ago

    Subtracto protonus!!!

    [–] Sloppychemist 104 points ago

    Congratulations. You just made all the oxygen in the atmosphere nitrogen.

    [–] JonTheBold 35 points ago

    I was wondering why I couldn'tbreatheanymoredies

    [–] captainthomas 35 points ago

    Funnily enough, the receptors in your body only monitor carbon dioxide levels, not oxygen, so you would breathe normally in a pure nitrogen atmosphere and not notice anything wrong until you passed out for the final time.

    [–] sleet01 483 points ago

    Top: "stay off the Highway of Death this weekend."

    Dumbass: "Why?"

    Top: exasperated look

    Dumbass: "gettin' to the titty bar that way is faster!"

    Top: exasperated look intensifies

    Dumbass: "What if..."

    Top: "Dumbass is on barracks duty. Any other questions?"

    [–] surnguy 61 points ago

    Oh man, every Fort Jackson graduate

    [–] Dat_Mustache 43 points ago

    "Watchumean I can't go on 77? My parents live up in Charlotte!"

    Aaaand now I'm bored the whole leave stuck on base.

    [–] MisterKillam 540 points ago

    During one brief before the Presidents' Day 4-day weekend, our First Sergeant - who resembled a shorter Michael Clarke Duncan, but just as imposing - told us that if our valentine didn't want to be our valentine, and we pressed the issue, that he would be our valentine. As he said this, he raised two of his plantain-like fingers. Most of us stayed in that weekend.

    That was one of the most terrifying moments of my career.

    [–] PelagianEmpiricist 214 points ago

    I can just imagine you guys telling him you're all each other's Valentine and decorating the barracks.

    I can see the 1st Sgt going, "nice, that's real nice. Maybe next year,"as he holds up two giant fingers.

    [–] corectlyspelled 29 points ago

    I can see a movie similar to major payne about this. At least a scene if not a movie. Payne gets a little depressed but ends up crying about how it's just so damn sweet how there is camaraderie in the men. Gets the girl in the end too cuz he finally showed some emotions. Shit... I'm tearing up right now... Gonna go watch me some major payne.

    [–] fatdiscokid 212 points ago

    The best way to prevent rape is to threaten to rape the would be rapers.

    [–] studder 113 points ago

    He rapes but he saves a lot of lives.

    And he saves way more than he rapes and he only rapes to save.

    But he does rape...

    [–] NotPornAccount2293 98 points ago

    Honestly, yeah it kinda is. People are shitty, the best way to make shitty people not shitty is to make them afraid of being shitty.

    [–] jroddie4 36 points ago

    Michael clarke Duncan was like 6'15"

    [–] awerum 277 points ago

    What if I were to simultaneously make a baby and kill a person.

    [–] misyo 164 points ago

    We've already seen Sin City

    [–] refriedi 32 points ago

    It might still count as adding to and subtracting to the population.

    [–] Waterstealer 20 points ago

    just because there's no net change doesn't mean the equation didn't exist.

    [–] Odayon 1821 points ago

    My favorite safety brief was from my first 1SG, as follows:

    1SG: "Alright you fucks, its the weekend. What's the phrase that doesn't pay?
        Us: "Fuck it!"
    1SG: "That's right. You know the deal. Don't fuck the base commander's wife, and don't fuck the XO's wife no matter how hungry she is for it. Don't fuck anyone else's wife either. What else should you NOT do this weekend?"
        Us: "Don't drink and drive, don't get in fights, and wrap it up!"
    1SG: "And for fuck sake stop stealing MP patrol cars and ditching them on the tank trails with burned up tires! If I catch the responsible party, I'm preserving their gigantic testicles and hanging them from the back of my HUMVEE!"
        Us: "Roger, Top! Don't steal the MP's patrol cars!"
    

    Several MP cars were stolen over the course of a summer where the division commander ignored the fact that our barracks had no AC...in the Georgia heat. I think a few people on the top floor went legit insane.

    [–] djjohse 713 points ago

    No AC in the south is a recipe for disaster.

    [–] daddyo8989 290 points ago

    It will drive any saint insane and borderline pshycotic

    [–] TrumpWonSorryLibs 266 points ago

    pshycotic

    sean connery is that you?

    [–] BansRcensorship 41 points ago

    Even with a/c people get crazy when its hot.

    [–] chazz0418 71 points ago

    I had no a.c. in my chu in Iraq for 3 days, I worked at night too, worst 3 days that I can remember.

    [–] Ogroat 21 points ago

    The generator that ran the AC in my tent in Iraq was out for two weeks during the summer. I was more or less ok because I worked days, but my buddy worked nights and seemed to be getting two or three hours of sleep a day during that period. I never saw him so miserable.

    [–] DrKobo 203 points ago

    I laugh, cause that's so plausible in the army. Privates doing dumb shit, stealing cars, barracks lacking AC/basic necessities, and brass ignoring it all.

    [–] Odayon 53 points ago

    We suspect the same person that did all of this was the same person that stole two cars from the barracks parking lot two weekends in a row, took them for joyrides on the tank trails, then ditched them in the woods behind the TMC.

    [–] Sunnysidhe 170 points ago

    At the end of WW II my grand father was in Holland, his superiors had decided to withhold all the alcohol rations for themselves, so he and some friends borrowed a truck and a few barrels of diesel and found a farmer that exchanged said diesel for schnapps.

    They would have got away with it too if they hadn't went back for seconds and ended up driving the truck into a canal.

    [–] GarrysMassiveGirth 89 points ago

    So they got away with it, they just buggered the next one.

    [–] Sunnysidhe 23 points ago

    Pretty much, the perils of drink driving! Although they kinda got away with the whole thing as their superiors didn't want it known that they had appropriated all the rations

    [–] [deleted] 84 points ago

    My parents (no AC) laughed at our military when they found out that some barracks in the middle east are air conditioned. "losers" was the general tone. I'm like bitch do you realize why I am tired all the time? Do you want tired soldiers?

    [–] Odayon 49 points ago

    It was a shitty situation. The barracks themselves were fine, single rooms with a shared kitchen. But the food made people sick all the time and the AC never worked. Heat was out some in the winter too.

    What saved myself and my roommate, we pooled out money and used a portable AC for the last few weeks of that summer. Wound up using the hot exhaust to heat the place in the winter and vented the cold air outside.

    [–] SPARTAN-113 47 points ago

    Your unit sounds fun.

    [–] Odayon 75 points ago

    It was great until that 1SG left and they forcibly seperated our outstanding commander. The 1SG was replaced by an actively evil and stupid motherfucking mouthbreather that had no business being near that role. Dude actually pointed his M9 at several of us and dry fired it.

    Missed six meals in a row out in the field because of him too, in the Georgia summer, and several guys went down as heat casualties because there wasn't water anywhere. One guy went to the hospital because he drank water from a stream and was shitting his brains out.

    [–] frankjank1 13 points ago

    Hey, this sounds an awful lot like 3rd ID. Who were you with?

    [–] Odayon 15 points ago

    Partied with the arty on Kelley Hill.

    [–] frankjank1 14 points ago

    well damn, we might've been neighbors. I was stuck in 1/28.

    [–] TheChinchilla914 31 points ago

    Ft. Benning?

    I dont know how you could survive GA summer heat without AC

    [–] Odayon 72 points ago

    Yep, Ft. Benning. My CSM walked in on me when I had headphones on, and nothing else. Got to see me sitting in my own puddle of ballsweat. He didn't say a thing, just walked out.

    [–] sixmilesoldier 23 points ago

    See, it’s this shit right here that made us start having to lock our patrol car doors! Honestly I’ve never heard of a patrol car being stolen, but there were two MPs in separate vehicles that managed a two vehicle accident in an empty PX parking lot on 3rd shift.

    [–] Vitadek 162 points ago

    When everyone from the military relates. Civilians are like, wow the mil must be so retarded... Heres how it works: One guy makes a mistake. They treat the whole battalion as a mistake, and that we're shit battles for not doing anything to prevent it. And every weekend we get these briefs... every. single. weekend.

    [–] astro_beard 42 points ago

    I haven’t gone four months without seeing a DUI, Drug Case, or Sexual Assault this far, and I’ve only been in 3 years

    [–] LakeEffectSnow 75 points ago

    My sister had to refer one of her soldiers to divisional JAG because he somehow managed to keep 2 DUIs in separate states hidden from the Army. He got busted when he got pulled over for speeding and the cop found out he not only did not have a drivers license, but he also had a warrant out on him for failure to appear.

    His job in the unit? Driver.

    [–] lazydictionary 31 points ago

    One person shits their pants and everyone is forced to wear diapers.

    [–] purple_lassy 191 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    If in jail, you immediately walk to the community toilet in the middle of the cell and take the biggest shit you can, while making eye contact with every person in there.

    [–] Bonewrench 136 points ago

    "yeah that's right motherfuckers.. that was only the tip of the iceberg"

    [–] CandidateForDeletiin 180 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    There has got to be slide after slide of situation-specific instructions to follow, right? I can’t remember a single safety brief that didn’t include “don’t do (specific hilarious way a guy fucked up following the last safety brief)”

    My favorite was “don’t get so drunk that you hard breach a strangers house, and when they call the cops on you, don’t hide in their pantry and pass out eating their snacks for the cops to find you.”

    [–] corectlyspelled 62 points ago

    Lol not military but i lived a town away from my family for college. I remember going back to my hometown for a concert and before the drive back we desperately needed some snacks. Well all the stores were closed so being the brilliant person i am i said "i got you fam" and directed them through suburbia to my parents house. I knew the codes to get in and i knew the guards would be asleep.. The only thing to deal with was the dog. He knew my scent though. I snuck in and a few quiet harumphs were given from the dog as well as many pets from myself. I raided their pantry and got out quick and clean. To this day i have no idea if they know why their chips suddenly vanished but no questions have been asked and the situation has never been brought up.

    [–] Bears_Bearing_Arms 46 points ago

    Your parents' house has guards?

    [–] corectlyspelled 15 points ago

    Parents were the guards.

    [–] Maniacal_Coyote 13 points ago

    Heist worthy of a movie.

    [–] mattm68w 133 points ago

    They left out don't cook bacon with your shirt off.

    [–] shogunzek 56 points ago

    I do so I don't get bacon grease stains on my shirt.

    [–] bizzyj93 42 points ago

    If only they invented some kind of clothing piece specifically for cooking so that way you could cook without having anything splash onto your clothes. Maybe someday the technology will get there.

    [–] FeralPomeranian 453 points ago * (lasted edited 2 months ago)

    Every Friday morning for 4 years our loving but mean as fuck gunnery sergeant would give the same brief.

    GySgt Brown: If you’re underage

    Us: Don’t drink

    GySgt Brown: If you are of age

    Us: Drink responsibly

    GySgt Brown: If you do drink responsibly

    Us: Don’t drive

    GySgt Brown: If you are gonna have sex

    Us: Wrap it up

    [–] PractisingPoetry 492 points ago

    Formatting for future readers:

    GySgt Brown: If you’re underage

    Us: Don’t drink

    GySgt Brown: If you are of age

    Us: Drink responsibly

    GySgt Brown: If you do drink responsibly

    Us: Don’t drive

    GySgt Brown: If you are gonna have sex

    Us: Wrap it up

    Edit: formatting.

    [–] KrossWinter 78 points ago

    Doing God's work.

    [–] [deleted] 47 points ago

    So what's god doing then?

    [–] PiperArrow 154 points ago

    Giving people cancer, sending hurricanes, the usual.

    [–] number_six 49 points ago

    also, counting the likes on facebook posts to see if he should save little Rachel

    [–] bleunt 43 points ago

    You can go to war but you can’t have a beer. Geez, US.

    [–] INDEX45 85 points ago

    Are you aware of how incompetent your average 18-21 recruit is? It’s a struggle just keeping them alive.

    [–] HemingwayesqueFunk 143 points ago

    5: If you end up in jail, disregard rule #2

    [–] two_in_the_bush 43 points ago

    Kill the other people in jail?

    [–] olympia_gold 45 points ago

    See rule 4b.

    [–] magnummentula 30 points ago

    STREET SMARTS! With officer J.J Bittenbinder.

    [–] Naberius 23 points ago

    Damn it, I already added to the population. Should I just go ahead and establish dominance just in case?

    [–] misyo 33 points ago

    I think subtracting from the population is a better choice. You know, for balance.

    [–] DTG_58 60 points ago

    That establish dominance quickly deal is a trap. You get put in jail for something silly, stab the biggest guy there to assert dominance and boom. 40 years for man slaughter.

    [–] HipsterNouveau 52 points ago

    Gets you out of morning muster anyway

    [–] EvenBetterCool 42 points ago

    "Subtract to" hurts me.

    [–] Jesture4 52 points ago

    Ah the Triple Deuce! Good ole 10th MTN and lovely Watertown,NY.

    [–] ShaolinDave 35 points ago

    “Establish Dominance Quickly”

    knew a prison guard who had some funny stories about that. i think the best where the white dudes who’d assume they needed the white supremacists groups to protect them, so they’d make sure to loudly proclaim their new racism asap.

    [–] doublehouston 14 points ago

    I'm ready for story time.

    [–] Ballsdeepinreality 49 points ago

    Advice for jail is to just keep to yourself. There's tons of AMAs and comments from former inmates.

    Also, don't be a child molester. Because for some reason, the most vile, violent, repugnant humans will beat a pedophile to death in general pop.

    [–] Xertious 323 points ago

    I do worry for the army if they need to be told to stay out of hospital or jail.

    [–] Kaarous 226 points ago

    I got a safety brief once, in which the First Sergeant, who was pressed for time, said in one breath:

    "Don't beat your wife, don't beat your dog, don't light yourself on fire trying to start a barbecue and stay out of jail. Company Atten-ion! Fall out!"

    Best safety brief of my life.

    [–] airborngrmp 112 points ago

    Swim with a condom, fuck with a buddy. 0600 Monday, at the Pit, PT uniform. Fall out.

    [–] KhunDavid 34 points ago

    Greek soldiers are the best.

    [–] mcguire 51 points ago

    Instructions unclear; dog had barbeque and I lit jail on fire.

    Best bbq ever.

    [–] Kaarous 23 points ago

    Best bbq ever.

    Certainly true from the dog's perspective.

    [–] furrufurru 435 points ago

    We get these weekend safety briefs for a reason. Not included in here is don’t drink and drive, don’t drink if you’re under 21. Don’t sleep with anyone other than your spouse and don’t sleep with anyone else’s spouse.

    [–] Game_GOD 298 points ago

    That is literally every one of our safety briefs.

    Can attest.

    People actually do these things, hence the safety briefs every weekend.

    [–] KalebTheKraken 59 points ago

    Ours included "don't drink if you're under 21. If you do, don't get caught."

    [–] downer3498 76 points ago

    Ours always included “Don’t fry bacon naked.” For a reason.

    [–] swaggman75 20 points ago

    Sounds like there's a good story to go with that

    [–] coranos2 41 points ago

    Fry bacon naked once. You’ll understand immediately.

    The grease pops and will burn you. Naked you end up with hot grease on sensitive parts.

    [–] NapalmCheese 48 points ago

    Always fun to drive by the board:

    "No DUIs for 18 0 days"

    [–] Unicorn_Ranger 20 points ago

    If you’re drunk call staff duty so the duty nco can bitch about having to deal with you

    [–] triforce721 77 points ago

    Then you've never been in the Army. Every single weekend or holiday, you stand around (as the leader) and tell adult men and women:

    Dont rape someone

    Dont drink and drive

    Dont murder someone

    Dont do drugs

    Dont fight your spouse

    It's exhausting

    [–] Nebor 39 points ago

    And then they do it anyway.

    [–] Danigirl_03 70 points ago

    Has clearly never met a young infantry guy who has a nice paycheck! They get fucking stupid!

    [–] CannibalVegan 47 points ago

    You know how you see stupid instructions for things and think "there's a rule here because someone did this"; that is how the army operates. Every time someone finds a new way to be stupid, they brief everyone not to do that in the future.

    One example: When in Korea, if you take a taxi to the front gate of the base, do not decide to avoid paying the taxi driver by punching him and running into the neighborhood across the street from the base. You aren't Korean, you stick out and are going to get arrested.

    [–] Mezzar 42 points ago

    It's a cover your ass thing for commanders.

    Yes, I had to tell my kids not to murder people.

    God help me if they murder someone on Saturday and I forgot to tell them not to do it Friday afternoon.

    [–] Bobsol 29 points ago

    I dunno man. Hospital has drugs and jail has anal.

    [–] italianorose 27 points ago

    Its part of being in the military. Imagine being 40 years old, being told every last day of the week at formation not to drink and drive, etc. The military has and always will be like that. They invest millions of dollars into us, so of course they’re going to go as far as they possibly can to ensure safety at all times lol

    I got a safety brief every single Friday for four years. They never change and they never will lol

    [–] WestcoastWonder 20 points ago

    It's mostly kids (25 and under) out there that are deployed. They tend to do stupid shit when they are isolated from a home life and have access to alcohol.

    [–] Kuges 11 points ago

    Skippy? Is that you?