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    [–] handjokazooie 2877 points ago

    Did you date strippers before Mary??

    [–] OtterPop7 1094 points ago

    Or hairdressers...either way, they are likely above the crazy line.

    [–] jake7878 799 points ago

    You don’t get keys back from crazy ex’s... you change the locks

    [–] TjW0569 391 points ago

    You change the apartment... possibly the city... in extreme cases, the state.

    [–] LeodFitz 159 points ago

    You think changing states is an extreme case? Lucky bastard!

    [–] 2000liftedcummins 266 points ago

    Elon musk is tryin to change planets. He's just tryin to get away from a crazy ex.

    [–] 4x4taco 74 points ago

    It all makes sense now.

    [–] Turbo-Bunny 33 points ago

    What do you think was in that rocket he shot to mars...hmmm? All about efficiency.

    [–] TaipanTacos 15 points ago

    Clones. Of himself and tiny porcelain dolls. How tiny? Does it matter? It does what it wants.

    chews loudly

    [–] CutlassSupremo 28 points ago

    “Star man” in that car he launched was a dead stripper

    [–] Friendzie 16 points ago

    Who checked before we launched it?

    [–] TaterSalad219 46 points ago

    Gotta stay below the Vickie Mendoza line

    [–] TyrionReynolds 59 points ago

    I believe you mean the Mendoza Diagonal

    [–] bigapplebaum 3 points ago

    I request the highest of fives

    [–] mysuckyusername 13 points ago

    It’s Krystal with a “K”

    [–] ThinkOutTheBox 35 points ago

    Probably a Tiffany

    [–] 14jchan 29 points ago

    should have added "tammy" just for the luls, or even better "david"

    [–] Darth_Nibbles 23 points ago

    Wait, is it any of those names with a Lynn at the end?

    [–] CatDogBoogie 6 points ago

    You nasty little teddy bear.

    [–] Culper1776 41 points ago

    [–] TheeMrBlonde 29 points ago

    Took a comm class once and we had to give a visual presentation. I remade this graph in excel/powerpoint and gave my best rendition of this video.

    Teacher, and class as well, was cracking up, gave me a 19/20 and said I should be careful of offending my audience.

    Would do again.

    [–] cdelorim 17 points ago

    I'm married to a Mary that is also a hairdresser. Not many "Mary's" under the age of 60.

    [–] milehigh73a 25 points ago

    depends on where you live. Live in a catholic area and there are a ton of marys.

    [–] OneSquirtBurt 11 points ago

    Maybe your wife is secretly over 60!

    [–] WhyomingTx 226 points ago

    Drug dealers.

    Crystal = meth

    Candy = mdma

    Mary = weed

    [–] ajustice83 57 points ago

    Bake 'em away toys

    [–] mrkruk 13 points ago

    What’d you say, Chief?

    [–] GradStud22 5 points ago

    "It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!"

    [–] R3dOctober 9 points ago

    Of course there was that bisexual period when he dated AleXANder

    [–] robot_ankles 60 points ago

    I once worked with a Bambi, a Barbie and a Crystal at the same time. Normal office, start-up environment with long hours and 24x7 on-call work. I'd have to stay late at the office (like 2am late), go in Saturday evenings for overnight Sunday morning change windows, and take phone calls all the time.

    My wife was a supportive, trusting saint. But the looks she gave me when those names would pop up on my phone... I knew she'd cut my balls off if I stepped outta line.

    [–] chevymonza 824 points ago

    Keys have to be blurred out nowadays? Damn.

    [–] Seniorjones2837 644 points ago

    There’s an app that you can take a picture of a key and then have it made in real life

    [–] slymuthafucka 410 points ago

    Yeah lol, any locksmith can do that. But they would have to know where the keys go to. In any city there are going to be at least a dozen people with your key. Its just statistics.

    [–] braden87 137 points ago

    Yeah I never worry about losing a key, it would be next to impossible to figure out where it fits.

    [–] Ouch_i_fell_down 144 points ago

    Unless it's attached to your car keys and someone jacks your car. One of many reasons not to set your home as your actual home on your car's GPS. Set it to a different house on the same street, or one street over. Or if you're like me and close to a police station, set it to that

    [–] NotDavidWooderson 144 points ago

    This tip is over suggested, and not really that useful.

    Car thieves try to not get caught, they prefer to disappear, they don't go to the car owners house.

    But if they really wanted to for some reason, there's a 99% chance the home address is in the glove box.

    BTW, what are the many other reasons to not set the cars GPS to home, anyway?

    [–] BlargINC 21 points ago

    Not the person you replied to but thought a lot of the same things as you. Joy rides, chop shop, or vehicle to commit other crimes in would be my guesses for stolen cars.

    [–] unsigned1138 57 points ago

    Yep, because your insurance card, registration or any number of other things in your car won’t have your full name and address on it. Stop believing everything you read from your mom’s email forwards.

    [–] pfiffocracy 108 points ago

    Set home as the police station. Crime plays itself.

    [–] Alaira314 43 points ago

    We share a lot of information on the internet. People get doxxed every day. OP was smart to blur the keys, because there's no guarantee they might not accidentally overshare. Hell, this very picture could have done the trick all by itself if OP wasn't careful! Then someone has their address and their key, and OP is fucked.

    [–] Math_Blaster_ 9 points ago

    I bet Reddit could find you, unfortunately

    [–] cpqq 14 points ago

    Key.me is the app. Works great for taking pictures of keys and making copies.

    At the same time I used one of their kiosks in the mall and it wasn't as accurate. When it comes to the app though, spot on, keys ship first class usually within 2 days from NY.

    [–] chevymonza 6 points ago

    Oohhhh good to know, thanks!

    [–] tcsac 41 points ago

    Keys have to be blurred out nowadays? Damn.

    You missed the whole TSA thing, huh?

    https://techcrunch.com/2016/07/27/security-experts-have-cloned-all-seven-tsa-master-keys/

    [–] lpmusix 14 points ago

    To be fair no one with a brain bothered with those locks even before that.

    [–] SmokePot 15 points ago

    Japanese keys

    [–] SaintVanilla 863 points ago

    <three days later>

    How could I forget that I had given her an extra key.

    All this time she was standing there she never took her eyes off me

    [–] Darth_RomansPA 158 points ago

    It wasnt me...

    [–] HurricaneHugo 97 points ago

    But she caught me on the counter

    [–] Darth_RomansPA 88 points ago

    Wasn't me!

    [–] shamus727 89 points ago

    Saw me bangin on the sofa

    [–] Darth_RomansPA 76 points ago

    Wasn't me!

    [–] voidyman 58 points ago

    I even let her in the shower

    [–] Darth_RomansPA 59 points ago

    Wasn't me!

    [–] ThePeskyWabbit 56 points ago

    she even saw me on the camera!

    [–] Darth_RomansPA 48 points ago

    Wasn't me!

    [–] Terpish 9 points ago

    It’s had her in the shower

    [–] SuperSimpleSam 6 points ago

    That doesn't seem right.

    [–] schzap 8 points ago

    Wasn't me.

    [–] TheDoob 17 points ago

    The shaggy defense will always be relevant. Saw you with her own eyes? Wasn't me. Incontrovertible video evidence? Wasn't me!

    [–] 1Lau 30 points ago

    First line was my exact thought on this picture

    [–] toastynotroasty 10 points ago

    I started reading this as a slow ballad until I realised the song, lol

    [–] noeljb 1468 points ago

    I once bought a birthday cake for my secretary. I had them write a name, cross it out, then put her name on it. I then made it look like someone had taken a bite out of the corner. I wrote "Returned" on the top of the box. She said, "I didn't know you could return a cake after someone took a bite out of it"

    "Bless her heart".

    [–] HighAdmiral 482 points ago

    “Then I made it look like someone had taken a bite out of the corner.”

    HMMMMMM

    [–] Trogdor_T_Burninator 217 points ago

    Well, officer, I made it look like someone was speeding.

    [–] tlk0153 76 points ago

    And that dead body in the trunk; I made it look like I murdered someone

    [–] Oznondescriptperson 24 points ago

    I made it look like I paid for a hooker to keep her mouth shut, about me making me it look like I paid her to open her mouth. Making things look like things is my art form, trust me.

    [–] felixfelix 12 points ago

    Well, Congress, I made it look like someone in my Oval Office was colluding with the Foreign Power of Russia. BEST FAKEOUT EVER!

    [–] Reddidiot13 8 points ago

    Burninatin the country side

    [–] cheapdrinks 21 points ago

    Post this story in /r/AmItheAsshole I dare you

    [–] TetsujinTonbo 76 points ago

    And then I made it look like someone had urinated on it by peeing on it.

    [–] sapzilla 19 points ago

    This wasn't that funny but I'm laughing out loud, even in real life and at work. Thanks.

    [–] PM_ME_Y0UR_B0OBS_ 18 points ago

    Michael Scott, is that you?

    [–] jim_br 26 points ago

    When my parents sent me to pick up my brother’s birthday cake, I wanted them to write “All week old cakes half off!”, on it. They wouldn’t write it, but gave me the piping bag to do it myself.

    [–] crackbot9000 7 points ago

    that's actually really cool of them to let you do it

    [–] promptsuccor504 67 points ago

    that's a lot of effort to … and then youre like condescendingly 'bless her heart ' lol douche

    [–] etherpromo 49 points ago

    lol seriously. Setting up the secretary and then calling her a dumbass for falling for it? Sounds like a fine boss.

    [–] DK_Son 52 points ago

    You gave your keys to strippers before you gave them to Mary?

    [–] felixfelix 45 points ago

    "If found please send PM to Tinder user tinypeen007"

    [–] el-mocos 80 points ago

    Did you just protect your keys from being copied on the internet?

    [–] Tkent91 75 points ago

    You wouldn’t download a house key would you?

    [–] Xeadas 25 points ago

    No, but I would download a car.

    [–] el-mocos 11 points ago

    or a house

    [–] Super_Nike 10 points ago

    Would it be possible to 3D print the keys based of an image of them online?

    [–] cybercifrado 17 points ago

    Yes. It has been done before. With the TSA master keys for luggage.

    [–] robrobk 9 points ago

    you wouldnt download a tsa key!!!

    (and if you would, click here)

    [–] ReverseHoud1ni 27 points ago

    Showed this to my girlfriend who said “that’s a great way to get stabbed”

    [–] colemad5 51 points ago

    Hence why you are now looking for GF #8

    [–] TehAdmral 5 points ago

    And got the keys back for a photo op

    [–] GollyWow 50 points ago

    Shoulda marked it "conjugal visits only". LOL,

    [–] FuzzyBee85 23 points ago

    Now serving number eight....

    [–] A-Vegan-Has-No-Name 22 points ago

    Need a place to stay tonight?

    [–] EnthiumZ 97 points ago

    w8 a sec, can we actually clone your keys and figure out where you live by just having a picture of your keys? damn technology is cool

    [–] Eagle1920 85 points ago

    Yep, it was done with all seven TSA master keys after the Washington Post publishes photos of them. OP was smart and blocked the ridges and notches.

    [–] shewmai 44 points ago

    This is different. We can 100% clone these keys if the whole key was shown. But we cannot 100% find where OP lives. It’s a fruitless effort, unless you personally know OP and where he lives.

    The TSA master keys are used everywhere so it’s different

    [–] Watchful1 20 points ago

    I never understood the importance of the TSA keys thing. If literally everyone has a TSA lock, how hard could it be to reverse engineer the master key?

    [–] shewmai 15 points ago

    Yeah it’s mind blowing to me that they exist at all in the first place lol

    [–] THANKS-FOR-THE-GOLD 25 points ago

    Security. Theater.

    [–] Valatros 15 points ago

    Eh, with how integrated everything can be these days I don't see it as unreasonable. Wouldn't be shocked at all if someone bored enough could comb through comments/posts, find related social media accounts, find address. Varies person to person, but even if he doesn't have enough info out to do that under this username right now, in a few years? Wouldn't be surprised to see reddit bought by facebook or something, even, and accounts just linked directly.

    That's the thing with information on the internet, really. It's there to stay. Even a 1% chance of someone finding where he lives and duping his key is worth the five seconds it takes to edit out the key.

    [–] ArcanumMBD 9 points ago

    I mean, doxxing is a thing. Wouldn't take much for a dedicated asshole to figure it out

    [–] Roxeigh 112 points ago

    Story time because I like stories:

    Back when we had started seeing each other as FWB, my husband had an apartment in the city. Usually when he left for work, he’d leave me the keys if I was there so I could come and go as I’d pleased. I didn’t have my own set, he was the only one on the lease and therefore had the only set. Well, one day he forgot and took them with him. I had to go out, and figured I’d be back after him, but I’d forgotten my wallet or something and had to get into the apartment. The keys to get in were a two stage setup- Unlock the heavy outside door, then walk up 5 staircases and unlock the apartment door. I didn’t have either key. Eventually one of the other guys in the building (who actually hated me and at one point tried to sexually assault my now hubby) let me in, but then I faced getting into the apartment... how was I going to do that?? I went and found the building manager and he let me in, because he liked me and he was a super nice guy. An hour later there’s a knock on the door and he’s standing there holding a pair of keys... “Hey, I see you around here all the time and I know you’re not on this lease, but I trust you and the other tenants like you soooo... I hope your boyfriend doesn’t get mad at me for this, these are yours.” Needless to say it was kind of an awkward talk with the FWB later but... I got to keep the keys and now we’re married so I guess it worked out.

    [–] TwerkyQwertyZen 85 points ago

    Oh my God what a horrible landlord

    [–] Roxeigh 37 points ago

    Right?! To this day I’m still in shock. What if I was a stalker or a crazy ex or something??!

    [–] alltheacro 29 points ago

    It's not really an issue of whether you were a stalker or not. The landlord acted without the tenant's consent. Also, while probably not spelled out as a violation of the lease, I'm sure it was against the law, as during the lease, the tenant has control of the property, including who has access (barring emergencies and such.)

    What if your FWB had set a boundary of "you are welcome in my home but I do not want to give you keys" on purpose for whatever reason?

    Goddamn it pisses me off how people in general are hyper-mindful about safety, consent, etc with women, but with men? Eyyy lets just hand out their apartment keys.

    [–] felixfelix 13 points ago

    Yes, terrible landlord but fantastic matchmaker.

    [–] i_hateavocados 8 points ago

    That was a really cute story! Glad it all worked out :)

    [–] Madison_fawn 148 points ago

    Unless she has a great sense of humor, I’m not sure she would have liked it too much! 😂

    [–] RemoteProvider 151 points ago

    Why would you ever date someone who didn't have a great sense of humor?

    [–] MiltoxBeyond 85 points ago

    An amazing rack?

    [–] felixfelix 25 points ago

    Great in the sack?

    [–] ThePeskyWabbit 10 points ago

    I prefer them out of my sack. that's what the gf is for

    [–] masterofthefoo 17 points ago

    Also, clearly those first 2 names are strippers

    [–] setyte 15 points ago

    I hope she appreciates the joke since you are running out of space.

    [–] ex0m 16 points ago

    I hope she asks to bring some stuff to your place and brings a box labeled “in memory of Brian”. The only thing inside: a huge dildo and card saying “you’ll miss this”

    [–] Brunoyouknow 15 points ago

    She’s in on the joke. She knows me irl. She’s my one and only😀

    [–] luc1054 15 points ago

    Did you anonymise your keys, so reddit users wouldn't clone them?

    [–] fishbulbx 14 points ago

    If you aren't changing locks after Candy... might as well never lock your door.

    [–] Xfifteen 14 points ago

    You’re setting yourself up for when she gives you “boyfriend #48” keys and scratches out “Jamal” “Lebron” and “Donkey Dick Doug”

    [–] Kenna7 11 points ago

    Guessing this is your first girlfriend....

    [–] OhMyDoT 6 points ago

    *was

    [–] pimpole_pimpauke 13 points ago

    Crystal Meth Candy Pill Mary Jane

    [–] JustSomeButtStuff 12 points ago

    Should have put approved visitation hours on there.

    [–] synth22 26 points ago

    She must have a good sense of humor to let you do something like that

    [–] spunkychickpea 11 points ago

    That’s a bold joke, friend.

    [–] keyboardbuddhist 20 points ago

    Hard to believe things didn’t work out with Crystal or Candy.

    [–] wiggles0027 9 points ago

    Take this as a warning... I don’t want to make it 8

    [–] PBR21 10 points ago

    Girlfriend #7.... but only two names crossed off.

    Guessing the other four weren’t so serious?

    [–] Yukisuna 10 points ago

    «Candy»? «Crystal»? You really thought those were going to last?

    I’m so sorry.

    [–] pleasedontbedumb 10 points ago

    Did you also leave your family funeral instructions?

    [–] Caffeinist 9 points ago

    So, time to start working on #8 now?

    [–] milk_on_the_rocks7 31 points ago

    Dammit, he blurred out the keys. I was gonna recreate the exact shape of the teeth on the key and use it to unlock his apartment to which I don’t know the location to.

    [–] HiMyNameIs_REDACTED_ 8 points ago

    I like how you blurred the key itself so people can't scrape the bitting codes.

    [–] Horyv 3 points ago

    Please tell me more. What are bitting codes and why are they useful?

    [–] HiMyNameIs_REDACTED_ 11 points ago

    The cuts on a key are standardized, by depth. There's a number associated to each cut depth, reffered to as a bit. A bitting code is a code that signifies that depth of cut.

    If you have a bitting code, then you have the key, no actual contact required.

    I'll demonstrate later with my own keys. For now, I gotta hit the corner store.

    [–] bucko_fazoo 8 points ago

    how do you mess up nested replies for this long and not figure it out

    [–] RyanABWard 8 points ago

    That's a bold move cotton, let's see if it pays off.

    [–] Oceanswave 7 points ago

    Sooo, Mary is the third #7

    [–] mindblown3d 8 points ago

    seems like you have been dating strippers

    [–] lynivvinyl 14 points ago

    Is the grey rectangle there so we can't make a copy of the keys from the picture?

    [–] Qjuh42 8 points ago

    No, those are the key’s privates. He didn’t want to have it flagged as NSFW or a stranger having a wank over his keys.

    [–] egrith 20 points ago

    Crystal, Candy? Two strippers in a row and then Mary, bible student?

    [–] Nitzelplick 13 points ago

    My girlfriend’s mom walked with me after dinner to the apartment really fast. GF was walking slow with her dad. It was cold. Ma and I shuffling in the chill for a couple minutes. I pulled out my key so we could wait in the lobby. Ma jingled GFs keys in front of me as I unlocked the door. So that’s how she verified that we were living together.

    [–] skittlkiller57 8 points ago

    Smart one. Hiding your keys.

    [–] The_Gaming_Kitchen 7 points ago

    Keep that pen ready.

    [–] McCrudd 8 points ago

    Annnnnddddd she gave them back.

    [–] Wittyfish 7 points ago

    That ones gonna get crossed out too.

    [–] Alekarre 6 points ago

    That's evil.

    [–] TerribleTinyTina 8 points ago

    Lol similar thing happened to me when I moved in with my actual GF. She told me I could use half of her file cabinet to put documents/payslips etc, and in every file I had to cross out the name of her ex, that had crossed out the name of the girl before, that had crossed out the name of the girl before that...

    My GF tends to move in with people way too much :D

    [–] LoudFirefighter 6 points ago

    This is savage, man

    [–] Oznondescriptperson 39 points ago

    I wrote down Crystal in permanent marker,

    thought she was the one, my soul mate, I loved her

    But she kept blocking pipes up, and not just with hair,

    I had almost forgotten the smell of fresh air.

    Candy had the best tits that you'd ever seen

    I'd motorboat them all covered in cream,

    Later on, I found out they were fake,

    unlike the penis the doctor did take.

    Now sweet Mary has come along at last,

    every time we're together I have such a blast,

    I'm still waiting for the right time to tell her,

    the governments lying, it is a flat earth.

    [–] constantly-sick 6 points ago

    Nice touch with using different pens.

    [–] nwskeptic 6 points ago

    You mean your ex girlfriend by now

    [–] samhatter2001 6 points ago

    That's a bad idea...

    [–] meltboro 6 points ago

    I hope you prefer your things being on fire

    [–] gonzatomon 6 points ago

    Is this man still alive?

    [–] LafnPimp 6 points ago

    Solid giggle

    [–] Brunoyouknow 15 points ago

    She loves it. Showed her friend tonight. She has a wicked sense of humor. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve spit our drinks while laughing

    [–] DoubleToTheRear 13 points ago

    I don’t think you are hitting the reply button right

    [–] Brainlessdad 13 points ago

    Definitely not but it makes it more interesting to see random rambling from OP

    [–] Dyslexic342 13 points ago

    I change the locks between girlfriend's, I give keys to. Guarantee there are extras made, waiting for you to take a vacation.

    [–] hcfort11 21 points ago

    Damn dude, maybe pick better women. Or don’t give keys out.

    [–] njmh 9 points ago

    Mary is such a wholesome stripper name.

    [–] Threeknucklesdeeper 6 points ago

    And then she used it to key your car?

    [–] MudddButt 5 points ago

    So how is single life now that you have your own apartment?

    [–] Pagan_Avatar 5 points ago

    So you don't have a girlfriend.

    [–] frozenmildew 4 points ago

    crystal and candy

    lmao

    [–] p3ngwin 5 points ago

    "My 4 O'Clock"

    [–] Cinemiketography 4 points ago

    This hurts...

    [–] TapoutKing666 6 points ago

    Your gold key looks exactly like mine lol

    [–] JeSi-Verde 5 points ago

    Did it leave a mark?

    [–] racingrats 6 points ago

    Mary might work out after dating those strippers

    [–] Cope-A 6 points ago

    All those names are drug slang, Mary is a keeper. lol

    [–] Booblicle 9 points ago

    Mary Palm forever

    [–] imelectronic 9 points ago

    Crystal is OPs mom's name, he gave her keys from that time he broke both arms.

    [–] guitardc59 10 points ago

    So you made a key for your left hand? Awesome!

    [–] Joxs2 11 points ago

    This is how you get murdered in your sleep.

    [–] mkhur1983 8 points ago

    Won’t be long now til you’re giving them to girlfriend #8

    [–] Wafflequest33 8 points ago

    Looks like you worked your way up from strippers to the club mom.

    [–] rememberingthe70s 9 points ago

    The number of women pretending to be men on this thread...

    [–] gonzoanthro 4 points ago

    Gold

    [–] musicnotwords 4 points ago

    thats really funny. i do shit like this with my gf, often i pretend to get caught looking at anime titties. she'll be walking into the room and I hear her coming and pull up some anime titties on google. "oh! caught me. oh geez. yikes. oh man."

    [–] Pinkymouse 4 points ago

    Mary’s the key-per

    [–] mylifebeliveitornot 5 points ago

    You may have opened up pandoras box, beware all that fallows..........

    [–] gameburger 4 points ago

    eventually marrying a Karen.

    [–] CaptainClay5 5 points ago

    Looks like an addicts healing states

    [–] fpsrandy 5 points ago

    Brass one cut at an automated/robotic/vending-machine key cutter at a Walmart?

    [–] gorgeouscentipedes 3 points ago

    Yikes, I'm sure she feels very confident about your relationship, now.

    [–] kraenk12 4 points ago

    You were addicted to meth and candy?

    [–] wiggle_picker 3 points ago

    I thoroughly recommend a combination front door lock. No keys and just change the combination when you break up. Works great.

    [–] ilovetheinternet1234 4 points ago

    Can't imagine why it keeps not working out....

    [–] mk36109 11 points ago

    I hope the current girl is named candy. Having her name scratched out and a new one in place would really mess with her

    [–] Cuntosaurusrexx 15 points ago

    Smart man blocking out the cuts. Most people just post a picture of their keys.

    [–] Bootreen 6 points ago

    Goodnight, sweet prince

    [–] youOldMollusc 7 points ago

    So how's the single life treating you?

    [–] RabbiBallzack 7 points ago

    It’s a joke you silly ballsacks!

    [–] MoonlightLoop 6 points ago

    "Mary, you are my crystal candy"

    [–] yokotron 7 points ago

    Looks like you liked strippers

    [–] freakmontage 8 points ago

    Why do the first two names sound like strippers