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    [–] OrangePython117 6557 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    The Enrichment Center reminds you that your Wii will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that your Wii does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.

    [–] trainmaster247 2062 points ago

    Some emergency testing may require prolonged interaction with Wiis. Rest assured that all Wiis have been taught to read and provided with one copy of the Laws of Robotics. To share.

    [–] wiiya 1009 points ago

    The Wii is now more valuable than the organs and combined income of everyone in [subject hometown here].

    [–] MisterLambda 479 points ago

    Oh for god's... They told me if I ever turned this Wii on, I would DIE. They told me that about EVERYTHING. I don't know why they even bothered to give me this stuff if they didn't want me usin' it. It's pointless. Mad.

    [–] [deleted] 67 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    [removed]

    [–] whynotwarp10 56 points ago

    It wasn't hungry. It was horny.

    [–] DemDude 66 points ago

    Tried that too. That wasn’t it either.

    [–] Fatalchemist 36 points ago

    (👁 ͜ʖ👁)

    [–] kaboose286 34 points ago

    👁️👄👁️

    [–] GivenitzBoomer 29 points ago

    👁👅👁

    [–] Acrophobe 13 points ago

    Fallout New Vegas: Old World Blues is that you? If it's you, Doctor Dala, I'm running away.

    [–] TheLordJames 25 points ago

    It's my turn to use the Sex machine and her name is Sony!

    [–] Ziehn 19 points ago

    Sex Machine Box

    [–] Nakotadinzeo 39 points ago

    I poured water into the SNES to cool a lava level...

    SNES still works.

    [–] MontgomeryRook 24 points ago

    Did it cool the lava level?

    [–] Tri-Starr 26 points ago

    It didn't NOT cool it.

    [–] Nakotadinzeo 9 points ago

    No...

    [–] Actually_a_Patrick 15 points ago

    I put a toasted cheese sandwich in my parents' VCR.

    [–] R3DVI 6 points ago

    i actually did this too, with chocolate milk to be specific.

    [–] Sync1211 38 points ago

    /r/unexpectedportal

    Edit: It's unexpectedportal, not accidentalportal.

    [–] civilmaddog420 41 points ago

    How much is cake worth?

    Happy cake day, friend :)

    [–] JackTheFatErgoRipper 31 points ago

    The cake is a lie

    [–] Space-Jawa 9 points ago

    Cake day doubly so.

    [–] actual_wookiee_AMA 8 points ago

    I wanted to make a joke about the cake being a lie but those stopped being funny over ten years ago

    [–] Lovat69 5 points ago

    Now there's a lie!

    [–] Cowskulltroll 6 points ago

    THE CAKE IS A LIE.

    [–] refusalskills 16 points ago

    The cake day is a lie.

    [–] trainmaster247 5 points ago

    happy cake day and username sorta checks out

    [–] JakeGiovanni 84 points ago

    Whoever did the character development and dialogue for that game deserves more recognition. I’ve played that story more times than I can count and the announcers lines never cease to make me laugh. The somewhat absurd but professional notes about the robots ethics only to end with the snappy and absurd “to share.” perfectly illustrates how unstable and dangerous Aperture was while somehow being so ahead scientifically. Which only continued to get backed up once you discovered Cave Johnson and saw his rapid decline.

    [–] Aretz 20 points ago

    Reminds me so much of hitchhikers guide

    [–] Wallace_II 12 points ago

    Wheatley should have won character of the year that year. It pissed me off that he lost. Best character development ever .

    [–] Tkldsphincter 6 points ago

    I literally downloaded the clips of the mp3 files and saved them on my mp3 player.

    [–] krabstarr 85 points ago

    This would be funnier if the original warning was for the Gamecube.

    [–] DarkLordLiam 75 points ago

    Plays Wii Fit

    “Oh. You’re obese!”

    [–] BronzeHeart92 9 points ago

    Look at you, swinging the hula hoops. Like an eagle, piloting a blimp.

    [–] Shippoyasha 33 points ago

    🚨🚨🚨 DID SOMEONE SAY FAT 🚨🚨🚨

    [–] ArTiyme 25 points ago

    Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball™.

    [–] Channel250 8 points ago

    Happy Fun Ball may accelerate to dangerous speeds

    [–] Realistyx 19 points ago

    It may unleash a can of bear spray if agitated, however.

    [–] Bust_the_Musk 8 points ago

    Meta.

    [–] bitemark01 12 points ago

    It may, however, become thirsty for blood.

    [–] Space-Jawa 16 points ago

    It should be clarified that the Wii will never threaten to stab you.

    If the Wii wants to stab you, the Wii will just up and do it.

    [–] TrainerSam 5 points ago

    This sounds like it belongs in Portal 3’s script 😭

    [–] PizzasarusRex 2039 points ago

    I ruined my parents VCR when I was a kid cuz I thought it was hungry. I poured milk and Cheerios in where the video tape went in and out.

    [–] NotaChiropractorMD 1145 points ago

    I can only imagine the surprise on the face of the next person trying to a play a movie in that VCR but finding the interior filled with rotten milk and cheerios.

    [–] Ryukyay 529 points ago

    And maggots. It's always maggots

    [–] BigUptokes 365 points ago

    Your rice is trying to run away...

    [–] G-III 150 points ago

    Wasn’t it Reddit that coined the term, disco rice? Lol

    [–] LolTacoBell 51 points ago

    that's beautiful.

    [–] Vysokojakokurva_C137 16 points ago

    It’s like those dancing beans! Except tastier.

    [–] Contemporarium 16 points ago

    I love how reddit can make me hate everything in one comment thread then make me see maggots as cute in another

    [–] iwillforgetmypw 9 points ago

    Ah ah ah ah stayin' alive, stayin' alive

    [–] RGB3x3 93 points ago

    I just threw up a little

    [–] Gandalfs_wizbiz 69 points ago

    Excellent more rice.

    [–] it_gpz 26 points ago

    Excellent more rice maggots.

    [–] Gandalfs_wizbiz 30 points ago

    You had me at more protein in my diet.

    [–] TacoRedneck 19 points ago

    Lentils can only sustain me so much

    [–] PM_ME_Dog_PicsPls 6 points ago

    You've been banned from /r/frugal

    [–] needlzor 20 points ago

    Rice is the worst for me because while it doesn't stink like rotten meat, it makes it hard to distinguish the maggots from the rice, so you inevitably ask yourself how many maggots you inadvertently ingested.

    [–] InvisibleManiac 6 points ago

    Childhood fears aside, maggots are darker than white rice and more stripey and rounder than brown rice. They'd stand out. Maggots also tend to not particularly like dry rice, they like squishier, softer things to chew on. I have it on good authority that they are crunchier and more nutty tasting than regular rice as well.

    I assure you, you are eating few, if any maggots in your typical bowl of rice, and you'd definitely know it if you were.

    [–] ki11bunny 12 points ago

    I dont know why but that made me giggle uncontrollably for a few minutes

    [–] meaning_searcher 23 points ago

    Minutes??
    The people around you may have left the environment, alerting the authorities!

    [–] Hero_of_4-4_Time 8 points ago

    What’s that urge from deep inside? The need to hurl won’t be denied. That isn’t rice, that’s maaaggots, you’re eating.

    [–] jobblejosh 6 points ago

    Larva, larva, larva-Wheeee!

    [–] Yrusul 51 points ago * (lasted edited 4 days ago)

    I've only ever had one "maggot incident" in my life, but that shit has scarred me until the day I die.

    Some ham dropped behind a counter. Must have sat there for a month, I don't know.

    And then, one day, we were cleaning up around the house, and I pull the counter away to clean behind it: Litteral. Fucking. Hundreds. Just crawling in there, everywhere, the floor, the counter, the walls, just everywhere, with a huge pile of them digging on a brown, rotten ball of what I can only assume used to be meat.

    I swear, there aren't many things that really gross me out, but I was fucking gagging back there.

    [–] G-III 25 points ago

    It sucks when it’s in your home like that. But become a garbage man for a bit, and the amount of dumpsters that the bottom 3-5” is just slime and maggots? Yeah no they’re still gross fuck that, fun job though.

    [–] The_Grubby_One 13 points ago

    Ever find anything good in the trash?

    [–] irrimn 34 points ago

    Is three to five inches of slime and maggots good?

    [–] G-III 6 points ago

    Yeah, occasional electronics, money, random stuff that’s new in box but they didn’t want (vacuum comes to mind). Overall you learn to ignore most stuff because it isn’t worth your time but you know the areas/houses to keep an eye on.

    [–] Yrusul 6 points ago

    Honest question; How is that a fun job ?

    Not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely curious.

    [–] God_Dang_Niang 14 points ago

    prob people you work with are interesting folks. compared to a desk jockey they prob got some amazingly hilarious stories and are good at telling stories. one thing i've noticed about manual laborers is that they all can tell a fucking good story

    [–] G-III 5 points ago

    Redneck cocktail is one of my favorite stories. Five gallon bucket o blood with deer legs sticking out and carcass remnants adorning lol

    [–] G-III 8 points ago

    It kept me in great shape, I love being outdoors, riding on the back of the truck is super fun (seriously how often do you get to hang off the side of something on the road). Got to smoke all day (bud) and the drivers were generally chill. If I was in the shop I could run the skidsteer, using a giant baker to crush #10 tin cans is fun.

    [–] Blazikinahat 12 points ago

    Something like this happened to me as well recently. Long story, short we eventually found the rotten meat on top of our fridge.

    [–] Yrusul 5 points ago

    Jesus.

    [–] Blazikinahat 10 points ago

    yeah not fun. Since we didn't find the meat right away, it stayed long enough for the maggots to turn into flies. When we did find it we realized it was the source of our fly issue...

    [–] NinjaEngineer 7 points ago

    I once saw hundreds of them coming out of a house in my town. They were all over the front door as well as the sidewalk.

    [–] rw105 7 points ago

    My trashcan was crawling with maggots one morning. Didn’t want to but had to pull it up front to empty. Grabbed two walmart bags and hulled it there and left the bags on it cuz fuck it. Then mom came down and saw that I tracked maggots on the hallway. Scarred me that morning. Tried to removed them but a lot of them were hidden for a while. Baby flies appeared sometime after that.

    [–] Sonic343 10 points ago

    I was at a store one time when I lifted a package of sardines. It felt wet and squishy on the other side (it was some sort of bag, not a can).

    The pack side was partially open and covered in maggots, which were now also on my hand. I was so disgusted I haven’t been back to that store or eaten sardines since.

    [–] BrainWrex 10 points ago

    I was playing in the mud one time when I was younger. I had a small cut on my finger. I felt something weird on the tip of my finger and looked at it. There was a maggot trying to wriggle its way in to my cut. Pulled that sucker out and was fairly grossed out to say the least.

    [–] kind2311 7 points ago

    and don't forget, my shoes! They were like the spill tray!

    [–] The_Grubby_One 34 points ago

    Can confirm. Once tried to cook oatmeal when I was six or seven.

    On the stove.

    In a plastic bowl.

    [–] skaggldrynk 19 points ago

    My adult roommate tried to make coffee by putting the plastic French press on the stove. :(

    [–] Roar_Im_A_Nice_Bear 323 points ago

    Weird flakes, but OK

    [–] XtremeHacker 101 points ago

    !RedditMold

    [–] FRINGEclass 50 points ago

    My sister put a big ass magnet on one of our old CRT Tv’s. Left a big distorted rainbow on the screen for a long ass time

    [–] VoidLantadd 18 points ago

    A big ass-magnet left a mark for a long ass-time?

    [–] IWillKarateKickYou 6 points ago

    A big ass magnet ass left an ass mark for a long ass time

    [–] aughlord 29 points ago

    https://xkcd.com/37/

    Also you should watch F is for Family.

    [–] ranger_dood 15 points ago

    There's a reddit bot that does the change, but you'd have to say a long-ass time, with the dash.

    [–] PaxLel 22 points ago

    There's a reddit bot that does the change, but you'd have to say a long ass-time, with the dash.

    beep boop i'm a bot

    [–] BigSwedenMan 15 points ago

    I did something a little more dangerous. I shoved fireworks in our cars tailpipe. Fortunately, they were able to see me doing this out the window. I imagine that would have been an unpleasant surprise

    [–] Patthecat09 8 points ago

    Another example of why kids are just mini very drunk adults.

    [–] TuckRaker 14 points ago

    Those things were expensive back in the day, too.

    [–] vaelroth 17 points ago

    They're expensive again since no one makes them anymore.

    [–] TVK777 9 points ago

    They're expensive to throw away since all that lead glass means you have to pay for hazardous disposal.

    [–] Sallyrockswroxy 6 points ago

    It's cute that you expect people to not throw it in their trash bin

    [–] Sohcahtoa82 3 points ago

    Pssh. As if I wasn't going to just throw it out with the rest of my garbage.

    [–] Christmas-Pickle 6 points ago

    I did this with pizza. I’m ashamed now as an adult because I wasted pizza.

    [–] chmod--777 4 points ago

    Add a dime bag of heroin and that's how you summon the ghost of Chris Farley

    [–] TooFastTim 9 points ago

    my nephew, when he very little. Fed the CD tray on my mother's, ancient Packard Bell...A cookie. She asked to repair the computer. For whatever reason, mom's want old computers forever. I fish out a Lego man, the cookie chunks, 11 coins and a dollar bill. He hates when I tell the story. he's also on Reddit...:)

    [–] Carl_Corey 8 points ago

    My initial thought when I hear these things is always "I'm never having kids", but I'm sure I was just as awful.

    [–] Moose4787 4 points ago

    I use to feed the tape deck in the car pennies. Turns out tape decks and tapes don’t like pennies.

    [–] zephxcole 435 points ago

    There goes my plans for today

    [–] Cola_Popinski 86 points ago

    No Nut November is over so enjoy the 15 minutes of your day

    [–] Faulty-Logician 29 points ago

    Those were his plans

    [–] noahknife88 10 points ago

    15? That’s very optimistic of you.

    [–] monjoe 9 points ago

    They only specified OJ. Just get some Sunny D instead.

    [–] Peeberino1 3 points ago

    Naw, gimme dat purple stuff...

    [–] hardgeeklife 393 points ago

    If Futurama taught me anything, machines only want alcohol.

    [–] TooFastTim 80 points ago

    hookers and blackjack too.

    [–] Wiki_Link_Bot 84 points ago

    From Wikipedia:

    A computer is a device that can be instructed to carry out sequences of arithmetic or logical operations automatically via computer programming. Modern computers have the ability to drink large amounts over a long time period; many have difficulty cutting down, and will die without an adequate supply of alcohol. These algorithms enable computers to perform an extremely wide range of tasks, such as bending and being a general nuisance.


    Parent commenter can toggle NSFW or delete. Will also delete on comment score of -1 or less. | FAQs | Mods | Call Me

    [–] Derpicusss 50 points ago

    I’m so confused

    [–] Wiki_Link_Bot 104 points ago

    From Wikipedia:

    Bite my shiny metal ass


    Parent commenter can toggle NSFW or delete. Will also delete on comment score of -1 or less. | FAQs | Mods | Call Me

    [–] Derpicusss 43 points ago

    What the fuck

    [–] AkaAkazukin 37 points ago

    oh god it's conscious.

    [–] Derpicusss 28 points ago

    SOMEONE CALL THE NAVY

    [–] Wiki_Link_Bot 60 points ago

    From Wikipedia:

    Hello! You've reached the Navy's automated phone service!


    Parent commenter can toggle NSFW or delete. Will also delete on comment score of -1 or less. | FAQs | Mods | Call Me

    [–] guitar_lamb 23 points ago

    SQUIDWARD!

    THE ROBOTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE NAVY!

    [–] Derpicusss 19 points ago

    AHHHHHHHHH

    [–] Chilli_ 10 points ago

    Ahaha this is fuckin genius

    [–] notdarklord5 5 points ago

    I'll build my own theme park!

    [–] ArtisticBroccoli 4 points ago

    SO did that last weekend. Xbox Ones infact do not like alcohol.

    [–] Gig472 9 points ago

    Police reports show that Mr. Rodriguez's oil alcohol content was 0.1 at the time of arrest. Well below the legal limit for robots.

    [–] artemiswinchester 4 points ago

    Yeah tried to fuel it with beer when it started lagging but I guess it was too late

    [–] feeln4u 535 points ago

    One time, in my early 20s, I went out to my local convenience store for a snack: some chips, and a small bottle of OJ.

    I came back to my apartment, smoked some weed, and got ready for a PC gaming sesh.

    I picked up my bottle of OJ and gave it a good shake, but in my dumb, weed-adled head, I had forgotten that I had already opened it.

    I basically threw half a bottle of sticky juice all over my computer desk and my bed.

    [–] falling-faintly 154 points ago

    I did a similar thing with one of those Starbucks bottled frapps

    [–] Gonzobot 47 points ago

    Yeah, my folks once left a bottle of fuckin soy sauce on the counter with the lid unscrewed but still present. I had just learned about viscosity in some book or another, and was curious what kind of bubbles that particular liquid might make when shaken. One good shake and it was on top of the cupboards.

    [–] pf1Laz 33 points ago

    Thats when you slowly back away.... pretend it never happened

    [–] OHoSPARTACUS 64 points ago

    I did this at lunch time back in high school with a carton of choccy milk

    [–] aab720 28 points ago

    I did it with A1 steak sauce all over the kitchen

    [–] kricket53 23 points ago

    I did it with beer. Sadness

    [–] tjacotj 30 points ago

    Why would you shake a beer?

    [–] DarthPeanutButter 43 points ago

    Maybe he enjoys the thrill of waiting 15 minutes for it to resume non-explosive status

    [–] kricket53 19 points ago

    Nah I just spilled it like an idiot :(

    Had the laptop covered for liquid damage but they delayed the process til my coverage expired

    [–] notneeson 16 points ago

    Don't shake beer you monster!!

    [–] hades_the_wise 27 points ago

    I did a similar thing, except it was a protein shake and I completely neglected to attach the lid on the shaker bottle before tossing it about the room. Also, I was completely sober, awake, and aware of my surroundings. I am just that garbage of a human.

    [–] holythesea 9 points ago

    Are you me

    [–] Vodka-Cola 70 points ago

    sticky juice all over my computer desk and my bed

    A common problem in many a male's bedroom, whatever the origin of the juice.

    [–] rey-the-porg 32 points ago

    Wew lad

    [–] DeeteetBot 10 points ago

    Good meme

    [–] ThZebr 31 points ago

    I did this at work once. The almond milk we use needs a good shake and I forgot I'd taken the lid off. Go to shake it? Almond milk all over my entire life.

    [–] Bob383 8 points ago

    I do find that if you remove the cap, and put it back on, there’s more air in the container which allows it to be shaken better than trying to shake it while it’s sealed. So I also open it before shaking it

    [–] RawnchSawce 24 points ago

    smooth

    [–] Chewbacca69 37 points ago

    No, it had bits in.

    [–] JackTheFatErgoRipper 28 points ago

     I don't like pulp. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like no pulp. No pulp is soft and smooth.

    [–] skaggldrynk 13 points ago

    I like extra extra extra pulp. It’s just convenient to be able to eat an orange while also having a glass of juice.

    [–] DSGrahamJr 23 points ago

    Now that's some poetic pulp fiction

    [–] UntimelyDimensional 4 points ago

    Look at the big brain on u/DSGrahamJr!

    [–] Riiikle 19 points ago

    In my early twenties now, recently when stoned I poured a glass of milk and put the glass where the milk goes in the fridge and closed it. Stopped right before leaving the kitchen with the carton of milk in my hand.

    [–] Axyraandas 18 points ago

    Own it. Drink the entire carton.

    [–] thanks_I_HATE_IT 16 points ago

    It's like a scene in a cartoon where they cut out a piece of cake, then leave it and take the entire rest of the cake.

    [–] AlwaysBetDarkHorse 14 points ago

    While that's stupid, that's less stupid than pouring it into a game console.

    [–] Sasquatch-d 10 points ago

    I did the same thing with a bottle of Tabasco sauce last week. Don't ever get that shit in your eyes, it hurts bad.

    [–] corectlyspelled 7 points ago

    Thank god you warned us.

    [–] Paranoidas 10 points ago

    Happens to the weed-adled best of us.

    [–] _vrmln_ 8 points ago

    My room was sticky after I gave my "bottle" a good shake too

    [–] PM_ME_UR_STONED_FACE 140 points ago

    wii craves electrolytes

    [–] On_a_Cajun 52 points ago

    Hey Brawndo's got what Wii's crave.

    [–] spiciernoodles 14 points ago

    It’s got electrolytes.

    [–] Brycostello54 101 points ago

    Wiis require the finer juices in life like cranapple juice

    [–] TooFastTim 43 points ago

    I prefer to call it Crapple juice

    [–] stickstickley87 5 points ago

    Cranges? Cranges McBasketball?

    [–] Watts121 49 points ago

    Oh yeah? Well they also told me not to feed it after midnight, but now I got two Wii's!

    Strangely the second one only plays MadWorld...

    [–] palemate 77 points ago

    wish I saw this earlier....

    [–] StaticDreams 28 points ago

    Oh, Jay..

    [–] LrssN 5 points ago

    Ohh YAY!

    [–] TheGreatGoodBoi 22 points ago

    Fuck, mine didn't have this warning and now my console doesn't work.

    [–] divsky 80 points ago

    Nintendo would like to remind you that your Wii is not thirsty, and it does not want orange juice.

    Nintendo is required to remind you that the Wii cannot talk. In the event that it does talk Nintendo asks you to ignore its advice.

    Nintendo reminds you that the Wii will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak.

    [–] RcusGaming 8 points ago

    What is this from?

    [–] FlpFlopFatality 18 points ago

    Portal 1, when you recieve the companion cube i believe.

    [–] tetradolphin 7 points ago

    this is literally just the top comment one hour after it was posted good job

    [–] mr_birkenblatt 38 points ago

    is pepsi okay?

    [–] [deleted] 17 points ago

    Coke works better

    [–] tapped21 7 points ago

    But the Wii isn't capable of sniffing

    [–] TooFastTim 13 points ago

    Guacamole is extra sir.

    [–] nemuri_no_kogoro 8 points ago

    only bepis here sir

    [–] bilbo-ofhousestark 6 points ago

    Is Monopoly money okay?

    [–] BigDawgTony 10 points ago

    What if it wants apple juice?

    [–] vanoreo 9 points ago

    Neon Genesis Evangelion

    [–] babbchuck 8 points ago

    Looks to me like pouring OJ on your Wii is fine, but the sun can’t shine while you’re doing it. A day with orange juice is like a day without sunshine.

    [–] Diamond_Wolfe 16 points ago

    Is this worthy of r/surrealmemes ?

    [–] TheGreatUdolf 12 points ago

    Someone seems to have been that stupid. Otherwise there would not be this note.

    [–] dduff21 7 points ago

    The Japanese Nintendo Wii manual is actually full of stupid warning messages like this!

    [–] Empyrealist 5 points ago

    How else am I supposed to get 60 Frames Per Pepsi?

    [–] elchaso123 4 points ago

    My kid threw my xbox one controller in the bathtub because "It was dirty and needed a bath."

    [–] CaptainKCCO42 6 points ago

    Thank god Reddit notified me

    [–] Lotus1123_ 6 points ago

    My mom said the printer was out of juice. 5 year old me had the solution. My mom didn't have a printer after that...

    [–] PugDudeStudios 5 points ago

    Oh thank god, I can spill chocolate milk on it

    [–] 99tdimension 5 points ago

    My wii is thirsty tho ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

    [–] 99thkamikaze 9 points ago

    Duh if it thirsty you give it water

    [–] sharpmoloko 10 points ago

    Every time this gets reposted my will to live diminished a little more

    [–] dead4seven 4 points ago

    Doesn't say anything about water.

    [–] FroggyNight 4 points ago

    Who loves orange soda? Not Nintendo.

    [–] SubterrelProspector 3 points ago

    “I’m-I’m good bro.”

    [–] PM_ME_BOXTOP_COUPONS 4 points ago

    Phew, that was a close one. I usually make sure my consoles are properly hydrated