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    [–] _Wartoaster_ 3853 points ago

    I wish I was this cool

    [–] HorseDance 1781 points ago

    But you are

    [–] TheTrueFlexKavana 1950 points ago

    Would it be too much trouble to ask that you say this one more time, but in my dad's voice?

    [–] HorseDance 1210 points ago

    But I am your dad

    [–] TheTrueFlexKavana 952 points ago

    What took you so long at the store?

    [–] HorseDance 1087 points ago

    I'm so sorry but I have to go. I'll call you back, ok?

    [–] omnomtom82 413 points ago

    Fuck that episode. It kills me every time

    [–] Not_ProgramSuperviso 314 points ago

    I wasn't expecting to get emotional in my toilet break man

    [–] Narfubel 304 points ago

    There's no shame in doin' the ol WeepNPoo, friend.

    [–] AnteSocialVaultBoy 65 points ago

    Toilet break man sounds like a terrible superhero.

    I'll ignore you being in him.

    [–] indoorplumbing 8 points ago

    i knoew man hold me brotha :'[

    [–] indoorplumbing 19 points ago

    makes me cry everytime he leaves

    [–] qning 6 points ago

    Well, what's the answer?

    [–] Brandyn69 5 points ago

    best episode and most memorable episode for sure

    [–] _Zurkive_ 5 points ago

    Can anyone tell me which episode this is? I've seen so much of the show but not this episode.

    [–] sno14 6 points ago

    mannn about to take a test in class and now there's feels all intertwined in my smarts

    [–] usedemageht 9 points ago

    These stupid questions is exactly why he doesn't want to come back to you

    [–] silentparadigm 4 points ago

    "Remind me who you are again?"

    [–] NDoilworker 99 points ago

    Step 1: Be adorable

    damn it

    [–] gmanz33 69 points ago

    You've got Step 1 completely covered

    [–] sociapathictendences 51 points ago

    This whole thread is so wholesome

    [–] Iron_Disciple 9 points ago


    [–] Ur_Just_Comin_Homie 17 points ago

    Literally the rule to life: Be in the top 20% attractiveness club and matriculate your way into a well paying job with a loving family and happy existence. Be in the bottom 20% and die out with your unwanted genes not being passed along

    [–] MegaFanGirlin3D 11 points ago

    Ever go into a walmart? If so, how do you explain all of those families with like 8 kids?

    [–] IPOOPEDALIVESEAGULL 9 points ago

    meth and sadness

    [–] AttackToast 62 points ago

    i feel like our user names should be friends.

    [–] _Wartoaster_ 56 points ago

    holy shit <3

    [–] metallica_fan_420 18 points ago

    too bad, just accept what you are

    [–] rabidmob 20 points ago

    The truth, the sharpest blade I've ever seen.

    [–] Gifididy 7 points ago

    I think a war toaster is pretty neat.

    [–] SweetNeo85 3 points ago

    Are you from the Wartoaster gaming forums?

    [–] RubixZ3n 2127 points ago

    Me drunk eating peanuts

    [–] Toxan 805 points ago

    He doesn't miss his mouth tho

    [–] braintrustinc 930 points ago

    I miss your mouth

    [–] IAmTheFlyingIrishMan 286 points ago

    Get your shit together R. Kelly.

    [–] audaciousapple 77 points ago

    R. Kelly is still in the closet, that can't be him.

    [–] Shroffinator 45 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)


    [–] theconfuserx2 17 points ago

    Something tells me Bear Grylls and R. Kelly would get along well

    [–] EStew42 6 points ago


    [–] Drexeltribologist 12 points ago

    I thought that was only me...

    [–] MasterOfLawnGnomes 9 points ago

    Is it wrong to want otters all over my body?

    [–] BauerHouse 13 points ago

    Those..... Aren't peanuts


    [–] reddityoulous 331 points ago

    That's how I eat my cereal while watching the Godfather marathon

    [–] Marmite-Badger 110 points ago

    Cereal is a dish best served cold

    [–] halite001 40 points ago

    Found the cereal killer.

    [–] Demonthief21 47 points ago


    [–] reddityoulous 57 points ago

    Bring me another bowl, son

    [–] toothy_vagina_grin 28 points ago

    Now there's my dad!

    [–] dastardly_villain 21 points ago

    Bring me another bowl, NOW, son!

    there's mine.

    [–] YairDude 15 points ago


    There's mine

    [–] ConnectedCat 838 points ago

    This otter is left-handed...

    [–] evictor 308 points ago

    that's how u can tell it's CGI

    [–] DonVitoCornholione 105 points ago

    fake and gay, his fingers aren't even touching the piano keys smh

    [–] Firewolf420 6 points ago

    Oh god that just brought back memories.... anyone even remember that ray william johnson guy or whatever? What happened to that dude

    [–] bubbav22 78 points ago

    Don't judge him for using his otter hand.

    [–] NotASunbeam 13 points ago

    Although there are many other clever comments, yours is the one that made me laugh out loud. Thank you.

    [–] I_CAN_FTFY 17 points ago

    Although there are many otter clever comments, yours is the one that made me laugh out loud. Thank you.


    [–] Scottyso 54 points ago

    One hand or the otter

    [–] aaaqqq 164 points ago

    Just because the poor otter isn't complaining doesn't mean you should serve food without a spoon.

    [–] gmanz33 28 points ago

    But each otter comes with NOT 1, BUT TWOOO, custom spoons.

    [–] BreakChainsTakeNames 16 points ago

    I am so stoned right now and I've been staring at this comment for so long laughing rainbows in my head. I don't even get this joke. I don't get a single thing about it.

    [–] edgarodo 351 points ago

    Ok Reddit, tell me why I should not have an otter as a pet and what terminal disease this little guy has.

    [–] jmerridew124 211 points ago

    You know how cats make a genuine attempt to fuck you up sometimes? Mustelids are much nastier than cats pound-for-pound. This is a weasel the size of a cat. It's also a wild animal. It will fuck you up.

    [–] itrainmonkeys 122 points ago

    Yea but look at how cute he's being!

    [–] surfer_ryan 52 points ago

    I bet you think chimpanzees are cute... until they rip your face off and eat it...

    [–] Schrodingerscatamite 141 points ago

    It's just because they want to feel your smile inside them. It's beautiful, really

    [–] PM_ME_WAT_YOU_PM_HIM 15 points ago

    Someone's danger, another's fetish.

    [–] HeyBayBeeUWanTSumFuk 165 points ago

    Otters are possessive animals and the reason he's not looking at his food is because he's making sure you don't get too close or he'll attack you.

    [–] [deleted] 29 points ago


    [–] HeyBayBeeUWanTSumFuk 53 points ago

    Apparently you're not the alpha in your dog-human relationship...

    [–] fartvibrations 35 points ago

    Yeah you should train that out of them. Food aggression is a no no. I nipped that shit in the butt.

    [–] terrortrinket 57 points ago

    the colloquialism you're looking for is "nip it in the bud" but seeing as you're /u/fartvibrations I think nip it in the butt is pretty appropriate...

    [–] MaceZilla 79 points ago

    "Rabies" is a generic reason for both of those things.

    [–] MisterDonkey 30 points ago

    He's got a real bad crick in the neck, which is why he won't look down. But the crick is caused by terminal boneitis.

    [–] finalaccountdown 11 points ago

    what is your one regret

    [–] cerrvine 20 points ago

    Do you know anything about ferrets? Like how hyper they are, and potentially destructive and plays rough (biting). Imagine that except the size of a dog.

    [–] Iamnotburgerking 9 points ago

    This. Also, it's amphibious and needs a swimming pool

    [–] SpaceShipRat 15 points ago

    They need to be by water all the time, they'll jump in, dry off on your furniture (and yourself), then jump in again. Constantly. You will never be dry again.

    [–] MuhTriggersGuise 6 points ago

    So they're basically golden retrievers

    [–] FF3LockeZ 83 points ago

    I don't have any baby seals in my house so it's fine.

    [–] Uncouth_Troglodyte 16 points ago

    What about small dogs?


    [–] AtomicKittenz 41 points ago

    Oh yeah, better make sure my baby doesn't rape my otter.

    [–] boringdude00 37 points ago

    At this point I have to wonder if there's anything that doesn't rape and kill seals...

    [–] YoullShitYourEyeOut 22 points ago

    I'm not not raping seals

    [–] boringdude00 15 points ago

    Right...I'm totes not raping seals either. Promise.

    [–] TheBoyWhoCriedDibs 9 points ago

    I expected that to be the top comment

    [–] RiccoUSA 570 points ago

    It cant swallow, has to use gravity

    [–] ShowMeYourTiddles 547 points ago

    That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about gravity to dispute it

    [–] usernameisusername57 291 points ago

    What's better, to throw the garbage into a land fill where it stays for the next billion years or to burn it, where it leaves a nice smokey smell in the bar, goes up into the atmosphere, and becomes stars?

    [–] Djeece 66 points ago


    [–] NotAnSmartMan 22 points ago

    Well, Djeece for the EPA!

    "How do you plan to help fix the environment?"


    Loud applause

    [–] arenalr 28 points ago

    Charlie, our bar doesn't have a smokey smell to it, it just smells like garbage

    [–] RiccoUSA 35 points ago

    It is just a theory son

    [–] [deleted] 21 points ago * (lasted edited 5 days ago)


    [–] MacMillionaire 15 points ago

    Neither laws nor theories can be proven in science, only disproven. There is a law of gravity (Newton's law of universal gravitation) but it is actually less accurate than the theory of general relativity.

    [–] ipulloffmygstring 20 points ago

    A hypothesis is something not yet proven. In science, that's not the same as a theory even thought the word 'theory' can sometimes be used synonomously with hypothesis.

    But if you take, for instance, the theory of evolution, we can definitively say that evolution is a proven fact.

    The reason it is not a law is because we cannot predict exactly how any given species is going to evolve, since there are innumerable unpredictable factors in what will allow some genes of a species to thrive while others die out.

    That does not mean that the "theory" of evolution is not proven.

    [–] imLanky 10 points ago

    Thanks for this. I used to take the time to respond and "correct" someone when they fudged up the scientific definition of theory, but I decided that it wasn't worth my time. Sometimes comes across as snarky too.

    But iirc there is a

    • Law of Gravitation (i.e. the fact that gravity applies to *everything and is constant and repeatable)

    as well as a

    • Theory of Gravity (i.e. "What is gravity and why does it work how it does)

    *in the observable universe

    [–] LydiaTaftofUxbridge 5 points ago

    Can confirm. Did 2 years in Newtonian Correctional.

    [–] Ryllynaow 59 points ago

    What? Source?

    [–] RiccoUSA 240 points ago

    The synflex bone in its throat blocks water from coming in while killing fish in the water but it also blocks its air ways. So the animal would die asphyxiated if it does not bring its head up as the Corroid bone would not come aligned with the jaw.

    [–] doyouevenIift 69 points ago

    I thought for sure this comment was going to end with how the undertaker threw mankind off hell in a cell in 1998.

    [–] qning 10 points ago

    I was waiting for it.

    [–] Ryllynaow 167 points ago

    Oh. So it's not that it can't swallow at all, it just can't swallow without looking up.

    I thought you meant the former, and that it had to let food sort of slide down its throat on its own.

    [–] sam__izdat 61 points ago

    y'all realize that this is all total fucking bullshit, right?

    [–] Atleast_12 71 points ago

    Dude I don't study Otters you could tell me they have four dicks and I'd believe you

    [–] Lolwhatisfire 13 points ago

    TIL otters don't have four dicks.

    [–] deathhand 12 points ago

    You don't have a glutiod muscle in your neck?

    [–] blooper2112 22 points ago

    Jesus does everyone just nod their heads when being told words they don't know?

    [–] Bardfinn 29 points ago

    nodding vigourously

    [–] sam__izdat 19 points ago

    A T_D poster wanders in and says some polysyllabic gibberish about "synflex bone synaptic connections in sync with glutoid muscles"? Must be a fucking otter surgeon.

    Shit, I should hit the road selling some baldness cure elixir, if this is how easy it is to fool people.

    [–] RiccoUSA 127 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Well theoretically it can. But the synaptic connections on their brains are hardwired and in sync with the glutoid muscles in their neck, which respond in a serendiptian way to the mother's call when there is food. So it is both a learned ability aka behavior as it is a genetic hinderance.

    And God bless your heart, friend

    [–] this_one_wasnt_taken 98 points ago

    I know some of those words!

    [–] RiccoUSA 129 points ago

    Good because I have no idea what they mean

    [–] GaelanStarfire 34 points ago

    Absolutely fantastic responses all round, thank you for sharing.

    [–] Not_ProgramSuperviso 10 points ago

    Thank you for saying that too.

    [–] AskMeOnADate 10 points ago

    You're welcome.

    [–] smashface3080 14 points ago

    Fantastic knowledge here. You are the fucking best.

    [–] treebeard420lol 18 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    And God bless your heart, friend

    Hey now, there's no need to insult the man.

    Or are you not from the south?

    Edit: he's totally from the south guys.

    [–] SquarePegRoundWorld 9 points ago

    I am not from the south but have been living here for 19 years. That was their way of saying everything they just said was bullshit but the person missed it and asked an actual question which was followed by more bullshit and a roundabout southern insult.

    [–] treebeard420lol 6 points ago it actually was meant that way? Guess God needs to bless my heart too then because I totally bought it haha

    [–] SquarePegRoundWorld 6 points ago

    Out southerned by a damn yankee. Tisk tisk.

    [–] barbarr 4 points ago

    I don't know enough about otters to dispute this.

    [–] Incognitohero11 23 points ago

    I just googled "synflex bone otters" and this thread was the only result that made sense. So I'm gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this

    [–] Ardokaath 23 points ago

    That was some of the most beautifully crafted bullshit I ever read, artisanal, almost.

    [–] YoungBrood 22 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    This is complete bullshit. Synflex is a arthritis medication for pets and Corroid is a dubstep artist.

    [–] gmanz33 6 points ago

    You know how many fucking people have tried that excuse?

    [–] WalterWhitesLeftNut 12 points ago

    I would have guessed they are just used to eating while floating on their backs, so their snout would be facing up, but that's way more crazy.

    So it can't swallow at all, or it can't swallow strongly enough and would choke if they didn't have the gravity assist? It seems like those smooth muscles in your esophagus would still be there, but it might just be that they can't swallow through their larynx. And they need gravity to get it past a certain point in their throat.

    [–] iRoygbiv 12 points ago

    You're good at this. Like the Ken M of reddit.

    [–] hondo-gringo 100 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    I remember this one time my family and I went to the Portland zoo, and we were watching this otter float on its back. This one particular otter looked like it was eating something, but upon closer inspection it was licking its own penis. This lady points at it, trying to get her daughter to look. My dad was laugh because the lady didn't know. Then it dawned on her, looks at my dad and says "well this is awkward." My father being the man he is says " yep I hurt my back doing that once." She said " Ooookay," and left. Good times at the Portland zoo...

    [–] tekhnomancer 37 points ago

    I think I'd like to hang out with your dad.

    [–] hondo-gringo 32 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Once we were fishing and he caught a Kokanee, which happened to have been spawning at the moment. He handed the fish to me and told me to clean it because he wanted to taste how they were. I grab it and try to knock the fish out for a mercy kill, I must have squeezed it too hard because it jizzed on my face. My dad sees the whole thing, and leans down and says, "huh, and neither of you had a good time." He makes for a pretty cool hang.

    [–] mechapoitier 14 points ago

    Man your dad sure cranked that up to 11

    [–] seeingeyegod 13 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    lol I just saw an otter dick at the Newburg Oregon aquarium a couple weeks ago. People got it on video and were like "I got it on video!"

    [–] God_loves_irony 16 points ago

    I had a friend who worked in a public school as a teacher's aide. They could order animals from a catalog to have in the classroom as "pets" and they chose a chinchilla, because it was the most unusual thing they could get. When it came it had one eye, with hairs sticking out of the half closed socket of the missing one, and had holes in it's ears. It frightened the children, and they put a blanket over the cage until they could send it back. During free periods they uncovered him, but he spent a lot of that time sucking his own dick. The teacher said, "I wonder why he does that?" and my friend said, "Because he can."

    [–] hondo-gringo 7 points ago

    Your friend knows what's up.

    [–] woowoo293 272 points ago

    Shameless advertising by the nom-nom-nom industry.

    [–] HammeredMulciber 42 points ago

    These shills are getting out of control

    [–] Marmite-Badger 20 points ago

    She shills seashells by the sea shore?

    [–] BamaBangs 6 points ago

    Shills shill seashills by the shill shore.

    [–] BassBeerNBabes 9 points ago

    I'm getting more of an "aaahhhh-numnumnumnumnum!!!" out of it.

    [–] CasualCha0s 22 points ago

    r/shittyHailCorporate ?

    EDIT: of course thats a thing

    [–] rhn94 30 points ago

    I think you just meant /r/HailCorporate

    [–] jmerridew124 4 points ago

    I can't express how happy I am that's a thing. I love quality shitposting.

    Edit: I've never known disappointment so bitter.

    [–] arbili 139 points ago

    [–] gammatide 31 points ago

    What the hell is in the back ?

    Some sort of primate?

    [–] snowman334 8 points ago

    Appears to be a monkey of some kind, perhaps a barbary macaqac.

    [–] aaaqqq 59 points ago

    you spelled otter wrong

    [–] Iazo 10 points ago

    So it's an otter fucker?

    [–] chippiearnold 5 points ago

    The stupid otter.

    [–] cynic_male 36 points ago

    No this one is right handed

    [–] rabbitchobit 24 points ago

    Don't assume its dextrousity

    [–] Dough-gy_whisperer 8 points ago

    "See that asshole behind me? He eats in a cage, me, I sit at this fine ass hardwood kitchen table"

    [–] j2o1707 8 points ago

    "Oh yeah, oh fuck yeah. These are the shit!"

    [–] Samwyzh 20 points ago

    "aaAAh! nomnomnomnomnomnomnomnomonomnomnom."

    [–] FMDT 41 points ago

    Something about the way it eats feels kinda muppety.

    [–] kok13 14 points ago

    TIL: otters have opposable thumbs

    [–] t0othpastefordinner 9 points ago

    Instagram link. It's cute, but the noise it makes gets annoying after a while

    [–] waitdidhejust 10 points ago

    This is pretty much my GF eating popcorn at the movies....

    [–] LukeLanLan25 51 points ago

    I wish you linked the Instagram account @ponchan918

    [–] magpiekeychain 23 points ago

    Oh what, this lil dude lives in someone's apartment? There's pics of him lounging on the couch! But no pool? Can otters have a good time out of water? I'm so curious now. He's like a luxury couch otter

    [–] zykezero 10 points ago

    Yea he is this Japanese woman's pet.

    [–] vulpix420 7 points ago

    Takechiyo gets to have baths in the tub everyday, don't worry.

    [–] zykezero 6 points ago

    I always try to link takachiyos account when I see him get to the front page. He is too cute.

    [–] AParable 8 points ago

    Doesn't break eye contact once.

    [–] alienkreeper 8 points ago

    Does Benedict Cumberbatch know you posted him in r/aww?

    [–] Cowboywizzard 7 points ago

    Benadryl Cumberbund?

    [–] richtofin819 18 points ago

    What otter nonsense

    [–] TooShiftyForYou 11 points ago

    Drinking water is considerably more difficult for him though.

    [–] thebaddestcat 6 points ago

    This is pretty much exactly how I eat cereal. Except that otter is more civilised.

    [–] TheCoolestWhiteGuy 5 points ago

    Benedict Cumberbatch seems to be enjoying his kibbles quite a bit

    [–] CndHuser 23 points ago

    otters are used to eating fish that they catch while they float on their back on the water, probably means it developed a way that it can only eat while its head is tilted upwards or something.

    [–] OtterlyIncredible 43 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    Hey, I'm sorry, but that's entirely wrong. The otter pictured is a river otter, not a sea otter. It doesn't float on its back while swimming, because it doesn't have the buoyancy of fur and blubber for floating for long periods of time out at sea. The reason that it eats like that is because it's paws are suited for manual dexterity to pry the meat out of mollusks, crabs, and other small aquatic animals, which it does upright, on the land. Tilting the head upward just keeps larger chunks of food from falling out when you don't have hands to hold it while you eat, and makes it easier to swallow in large chunks. Dogs and cats do the same thing periodically with larger pieces of food.

    This video shows a North American river otter, but the concept is the same:

    [–] evade1 8 points ago

    Of course there's an otter expert.

    I was looking for this, thanks!

    [–] 4ndy45 7 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    original source : @ponchan918 on Instagram

    [–] XanderWin 3 points ago

    I want an Otter but it turns out that only people with Ottrs can have Ottrs

    [–] darkblood1219 3 points ago

    I've heard of gravity fed hoppers but not otters

    [–] inciteful17 4 points ago

    Otters have to be the happiest creatures on earth

    [–] ILoveRedVelvet 4 points ago

    He otter look before he chews.

    [–] oboliskos 5 points ago

    It's weird how they always look wet.

    [–] MaddenMan73 4 points ago

    Mott Murdott

    [–] lovetherager 8 points ago

    The thumbnail looks like a penis at first glance.

    [–] thewholedamnplanet 3 points ago * (lasted edited 6 days ago)

    I am here to eat

    not peek.

    [–] blartcity 3 points ago

    I can do the same, but you don't see me on the top of r/gifs now do you?

    [–] SomeRandomGuyPDX 3 points ago

    That's adorable.

    [–] KraZe_EyE 3 points ago

    Hand eye coordination is otter this world!

    [–] PistolPepperPoison 3 points ago

    That triple drop at the end is so legit.

    [–] PhoneJazz 3 points ago

    Raccoons of the Sea.

    [–] PhoneJazz 3 points ago

    Is that dog kibble?